Loathing
by tbka
Summary: Galinda Upland and Elphaba Thropp loathed each other from the moment they laid eyes on the other. Their friendship could not have possibly blossomed as smoothly as the stories told. Read on to find the true, the hidden, story behind the two Witches of Oz.
1. The Beginning

_**Summary:**__ Galinda Upland and Elphaba Thropp loathed each other from the moment they laid eyes on the other. Their friendship could not have possibly blossomed as smoothly as the stories told. So, for the curious, read on to find the true, the hidden, story behind the famous Witches of Oz and their infamous friendship._

_**Genre: **__Friendship/Drama_

_**Rating: **__T_

_**Author's Note: **__A collection of one shots (varying from 200 words to 3,000 words) set in chronologically order about, what I perceive to be, how Galinda and Elphaba truly became friends. Some of the chapters are much darker then others and, for anyone who has ever read any of my other stories this will come as no surprise, there is some pretty severe character torment as I tend to torture my main characters in my stories. Since this story is very, very close to being done updates should be very regular (should be one every day). So that is all, hope you enjoy my foray into Wicked (my favourite musical)._

_**Disclaimer: **__I don't own Wicked (the book or the musical) and I promise to return all characters physically healthy but they might be a little worse for ware when it comes to their mental health._

_This is a fanfic that is both book-verse and musical-verse (though it leans more to be a musical-verse story)._

--

**Loathing**

**The True Story Behind the Friendship of the Witches of Oz**

--

**Chapter One: The Beginning**

She was furious. Absolutely, completely, utterly furious. There was one thing she had wanted… no demanded… when she got accepted to Shiz and that was that she _must _have her own private quarters.

Yet she found herself rooming with _her_. Not just anyone but… but _her_! The one person in all of Shiz that had the potential to ruin her perfectly crafted social status and popularity.

The green girl. The green bean. The artichoke. The girl in question had many nicknames, many taunts, that she was addressed as but she did _not_ have a name. At least, not to Galinda.

Galinda Upland of the Upper Uplands was furious beyond words. She stormed into her room, slamming the door behind her. Her blonde curls bounced with every angry step as her heels clicked noisily on the wooden floors.

"I took the bottom drawer of the dresser and the far corner of the closet. It's all I need."

Galinda froze in her tracks; she hadn't expected the green girl to already be in their room. She realized she had two choices; she could be civil and at least try to act nice or she could be a bitch.

Though part of her felt sick for what she was about to do Galinda knew that she had worked too hard on her social status to watch it all crumble beneath her without trying to salvage it. And it was that thought that caused Galinda to whirl around to face the green girl, who had stopped making her bed to look quizzically at her blonde roommate, and level the greatest pissed off and angry look that she could muster.

The green girl let out a small sigh, almost inaudible, before returning to making her bed. Galinda felt her stomach twist in disgust at her own behaviour but she ignored the feeling and plopped down on her unmade bed.

"Your key's on the desk."

Galinda stopped examining her nails, one was chipped, to look up at the green girl. She was faced with only the back of her worn black frock. But if Galinda tilted her head just slightly she could catch the glimpse of a green face… mouth pressed tightly in an aggravated – or was it disappointed? – grimace.

Galinda opened her mouth the reply but a knock on the door interrupted the apology that the blonde girl had planned to say. The green girl looked up from her bed-making and watched, in no small amount of disgust, as no fewer then six servants entered the room with luggage better fit for a family of four than one person.

"Miss Galinda," one of them said. "Where do you want these?"

"Just in the corner," the blonde replied with a bubbly smile as she stood up. "And my beddings in the bottom of the rose pink suitcase. Make my bed, please."

The green girl let out a frustrated sigh at the tone of voice of her roommate as she finished making her own bed. As the servant made Galinda's bed the green girl noticed the very distinct difference in beddings. Worn brown bedding, that might've been a deep chocolate brown at one time, contrasted against the shocking pink and white bedding of Galinda Upland's bed.

Once the bed was finished being made Galinda excused her servants and began to unpack her clothes. The blonde noticed the green girl watching her with interest and she whirled around, hands on her hips, with an air of annoyance. "What do you want?" she asked, her voice louder than she intended.

The green girl, sitting cross-legged on her bed, simply shrugged. "Are all those suitcases clothes?"

"Some of us take a little more pride in the way we present ourselves!" Galinda snapped before returning to unpacking her clothes.

"If anyone asks I'll be in the library."

"Like anyone would ask," Galinda muttered.

Silence. A few seconds later a scuffling of bed sheets could be heard followed by the slamming of the door. The green girl had heard Galinda's whispered words.

The blonde could feel her stomach twisting in on itself and she felt almost sick. Yet she reasoned that her cold demeanor was necessary if she ever wished to stay popular. Besides, it's not like the green girl wasn't used to such treatment.


	2. What Is This Feeling?

_Besides, it's not like the green girl wasn't used to such treatment._

--

**Chapter Two: What Is This Feeling?**

The room was quiet, the air still, as it often was when the two occupants happened to find themselves in their shared dormitory at the same time.

The green girl was trying to study; sitting cross-legged on her bed with an apple in one hand and a book opened on her lap. Her notebook was off to the side and every so often she would pause in her reading to jot a few words down in her tidy cursive.

The blonde was busying herself with getting ready. Curling her hair, rummaging through her closet to find the perfect outfit. She had found a dress in just the right shade of pink but was desperately looking for the shoes she knew she had that matched it just perfectly. As a result almost the whole of her shoe collection was now strewn about the dorm's floor.

Galinda's constant chattering to no one in particular was beginning to grate on the green girl's nerves.

"You've bypassed at least five different pink heels. Why don't you just wear one of those?"

The blonde stopped searching through her closet and slowly turned around, leveling a cold glare on her green roommate. "You're not in the position to tell me what does and does not match, Miss _Elphaba_."

The green girl nodded slowly, readjusted her glasses, and returned to her reading. "Just thought I'd be of some help," she muttered. "Maybe get you out of here sooner."

"May I remind you that if it wasn't for me you would have no room at all?" Galinda huffed and returned to your closet. "Thankless freak," she whispered quietly but not quietly enough as the green girl heard the blonde clearly. A few seconds later the slamming of the door told Galinda that her roommate had left.

The small bubble of guilt in the pit of the blonde's stomach grew just a tiny bit more.


	3. The Closed Window

_The small bubble of guilt in the pit of the blonde's stomach grew just a tiny bit more._

--

**Chapter Three: The Closed Window**

The cool air teased Galinda's hair and the blonde shuddered. She had half-a-mind to get up and shut the window but she knew the danger in such an action. The green girl would surely shriek at her if she attempted such a thing.

"Miss Elphaba." Galinda's voice was curt and her words short. The green girl made a small growl-like sound as an answer and Galinda continued. "Why do you insist on keeping the window opened at all times? It's bitterly cold out!"

The green girl looked up from her book and readjusted her glasses. "I simply do not like enclosed spaces."

"And I don't like the cold," Galinda responded as she untangled herself from her bed sheets and made her way to the window.

"What are you doing?"

If Galinda had been paying attention she would've noticed the faint hint of fear in her roommate's voice but as it was Galinda was not paying attention as she was far too focused on her task. With an audible bang the window was closed and the blonde slid the lock shut. Immediately the room seemed to grow warmer and Galinda sighed in contentment.

"Now that's much better, don't you think Miss Elphaba?"

"Galinda…"

"Oh, come on! The window's been opened constantly since we got here. In fact, I don't think it's ever been closed! I think it's about time that it was _my_ way for once."

Elphaba raised an eyebrow in amusement but her voice shook slightly in suppressed fear. "I'll make it known to you, Miss Galinda, that you've gotten nothing _but_ your way since being here."

"You're being ridiculous Miss Elphaba." Galinda sighed as she wrapped herself back up in her blankets.

"Galinda…" Elphaba frowned and made to continue speaking but decided against it and slowly closed her opened mouth.

"It's just a window Miss Elphaba," Galinda said with a small shake of her head.

"Just a window," the green girl repeated in a small whisper that was inaudible to her blonde roommate. "Galinda I really would rather –"

"Let it be closed, if just for this one night. For Oz's sake it's freezing outside!"

"I don't think you truly understand how –"

"Miss Elphaba, are you trying to tell me that you _fear _enclosed spaces?" Galinda asked with a small, mocking smile gracing her face.

"I'm not afraid!" Elphaba's voice was slightly higher and more panicked then she intended but Galinda seemed not to notice her roommate's true distress.

"Then just go to sleep," Galinda said as she snuggled herself underneath her beddings and rolled over to face the wall, he back towards her roommate.

Elphaba frowned, her eyes darting between her roommates blonde's curls peeking out of her pink beddings and the securely locked window. A huge part of her wanted to just get up and open the window but a small, stronger part of her – her pride – wanted to prove to the blonde that she was definitely _not_ afraid. After all, Elphaba Thropp was never afraid.


	4. The Opened Window

_After all, Elphaba Thropp was never afraid._

--

**Chapter Four: The Opened Window**

Galinda instantly woke up at the sound of a small, muffled scream. She rolled over in her bed to find her green roommate sitting straight up, her beddings tangled around her feet and spilling on to the floor.

"Are you well Miss Elphaba?" Galinda asked, her voice strangely hoarse in the early morning time.

The green girl turned dark, hazy eyes towards her roommate but to Galinda it seemed as if those brown eyes were looking through her and not really seeing anything. It was unnerving to the blonde and she frowned. "Are you well?" she repeated as she pushed herself up into a sitting position to get a closer look at her seemingly ill roommate.

"I would like to open the window."

The words were whispered so quietly Galinda didn't hear them. "Pardon?" she asked but the green girl didn't repeat her statement. "Miss Elphaba?"

The green girl closed her eyes briefly and slowly shook her head. "I… I am sorry. Please, for… forgive me for waking you. That was not my intention."

"Miss Elphaba," Galinda said with a frown of concern. "You look ill. What is bothering you?"

"Would you mind if I opened the window?"

"Did you have a nightmare? Is that why you woke up?" Galinda pushed her beddings aside and swung her legs over the edge of her bed. Her concern for her roommate was overriding the blonde's self-imposed rule to not associate with the green girl.

"The window," Elphaba repeated, suspiciously swiping at her eyes with the back of her nightgown's sleeve.

"Of course," the blonde replied as she made her way to the closed window. A few moments later the sound of the sliding of the lock echoed throughout the small room and the window was opened. A shocking wave of cold air burst into the room; sending shivers down Galinda's spine.

Elphaba inhaled a deep breath as the fresh air reached her and Galinda turned around just in time to see the green girl visible relax. "Miss Elphaba, if I had known that closing the window would've –"

"Shut-up!" Elphaba's voice was louder then she meant it to be but she found that she didn't quite care. She just wanted to get the memory of her night-terror out of her mind.

Galinda's face reflected her hurt and she opened her mouth to retort but found her heart twisting at the sight of the green girl sitting on her bed looking so… so fragile. She sighed and closed her mouth, leaving her retort locked in her own mind. "Goodnight Miss Elphaba," she whispered as she returned to her warm bed.

Perhaps the room wasn't _that_ cold with the window opened.


	5. The Secret Of The Water

_Perhaps the room wasn't _that_ cold with the window opened._

--

**Chapter Five: The Secret of the Water**

The glass of clear water was perched precariously on the edge of Galinda's vanity. Had Elphaba noticed it was there from where she sat on her own bed she would've surely moved either herself or the glass. But as it was, the green girl had not noticed the threatening water that lay so close to herself.

A small movement of Galinda's hand knocked over her foundation bottle which in turn struck her hairspray bottle which then fell over and knocked the glass. It toppled over the edge of the vanity and struck Elphaba's night table where it shattered apart and water sprayed in the general direction of the green girl.

Elphaba's head had snapped up at the sound of breaking glass and her eyes widened in horror as the water came closer and closer to her exposed skin. She managed to scoot mostly out of the way before the threatening liquid reached her but a large amount of water still managed to strike her exposed left arm.

She hissed in pain and grabbed the edge of her bedding. In a split second she had the blanket against her arm in an attempt to dry off the water but she knew it was too late. She could already feel the all-familiar stinging of burning flesh on her arm and she let out a soft sigh. Pressing the bedding against her arm she slowly examined her bed and saw that most of the sheets were soaked through in some spots; they'll have to be dried before she could sleep.

"Oh Oz! Did you get cut Miss Elphaba!" Galinda bounded to her feet, forgetting for a moment that she was suppose to be hating the green girl, and was at her roommate's side almost instantly. "I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to–"

"It's fine," Elphaba interrupted her roommate as she squirmed away from the blonde's searching eyes. "It's nothing, really. I'll be fine."

"It is not fine!" Galinda was horror-stricken at the fact that she might've caused hurt to someone; even if that someone happened to be the green girl.

"Galinda, please." Elphaba tried to twist away from the blonde but was unsuccessful.

Galinda managed to get a surprisingly strong grip around Elphaba's wrist and slowly pulled away the blanket pressed tightly around the green skin. However, the blood that Galinda expected to see was not there.

Instead the skin was burnt.

"Miss Elphaba?" Galinda raised questioning eyes to her roommate but Elphaba refused to meet her eyes.

"It's nothing Galinda, I'm fine."

The blonde, for the first time since she had known the green girl, realized that Elphaba had dropped all honorifics when talking to her while Galinda had kept them. "When did you get burnt?" the blonde asked, still trying to make eye contact with her roommate.

"Just drop it," Elphaba said, her voice tense and her body stiff under Galinda's grasp. "And please, let go of me."

Galinda let go of the green wrist and Elphaba, still avoiding the blonde's eyes, quickly wrapped the blanket tightly around her burn again.

"The water burnt you, didn't it?" Galinda whispered, not letting her eyes waver from her roommate.

"Drop it."

"You're… you're allergic to water." Galinda's voice was shaking, as if she was on the very edge of tears, and the sound caused Elphaba to raise her eyes to her roommate's.

"I'm amazed at how deep your perception is," Elphaba said, her voice dripping with harsh sarcasm. "Now, if you don't mind, I would like for you to let the matter drop."

Galinda squeezed her eyes shut for a split moment to try and still the tears that threatened to spill. "But… it's… it's just water!"

"Galinda… just let it be."

"How? How is it even possible?" Galinda muttered, shaking her head slightly and taking a few steps back. The blonde then suddenly turned around and disappeared into the bathroom. A few moments later she returned with a small cloth and gave it to the surprised and silent Elphaba.

"I shall take your beddings down to the servants to be dried for you as I daresay you cannot sleep in them as wet as they are," Galinda said hastily so has not to allow her roommate anytime to rebut her statement and attempt to somehow deal with the wet beddings herself.

"Galinda you really don't have to –"

"Miss Elphaba, think nothing of it," Galinda interrupted. "It was my fault that the water was splashed so it is my responsibility to clean it up." And with those words the blonde scooped up her green roommate's wet beddings and was out the door in mere moments.

Elphaba stared, shocked and with her mouth slightly opened in surprise, at the now empty dormitory and her sparse bed. A small smile slowly appeared on her usually cold face and her eyes held a small glint of hope.

_Perhaps_,she thought. _Perhaps this will turn out all right._


	6. Witch Way To The Party?

_Perhaps, _she thought._ Perhaps this will turn out all right. _

--

**Chapter Six: Witch Way to the Party?**

The black hat had been a joke. Elphaba Thropp realized that as soon as she had stepped on to that dance floor to see the faces of all those around her. The dance, the invite, the hat, it had all been a cruel joke by that bubbly blonde of a roommate of hers.

Yet Elphaba could not find it within herself to be angry. She _had_ been angry. Initially she had been furious. Especially knowing that she had convinced Madame Morrible herself to take Galinda in as a student in the sorcery course. But when she saw the crestfallen face of the blonde as she stood stock still beside the Vinkus prince she realized that her roommate, though not the brightest, truly did feel bad.

And something stirred within her that wouldn't allow her to feel angry. So Elphaba did what she had always found herself doing in times of awkwardness and social bias… she put on her confident face and stepped on to the dance floor.

Out of the corner of her eye she saw Galinda hand over something to Fiyero. Then, in a moment that shocked Elphaba, the blonde made eye contact with her and smiled softly as she made her way through the crowd and slowly stepped onto the dance floor.

"May I cut in?" she asked softly and Elphaba, though skeptical of the blonde's motives, stopped her awkward dancing and stepped aside, motioning for the blonde to take the floor.

Elphaba couldn't help but smile slightly as the blonde seemed to finally show, to everyone, that the two of them really were friends.


	7. Popular?

_Elphaba couldn't help but smile slightly as the blonde seemed to finally show, to everyone, that the two of them really were friends._

--

**Chapter Seven: Popular?**

She had actually thought that they were becoming friends. Elphaba couldn't believe how stupid she had been. She had _actually_ thought that she, the green freak, was developing a friendship. She should have realized it was phony; nothing more then a joke.

But she had let her hope overpower her logic and now she was paying the price.

The tears flowed freely and she had to constantly dab at her face with a tissue to keep the salty liquid from burning her skin. She knew that Galinda had been drunk last night when she offered her that make-over… said she would make her popular. But she didn't realize that the blonde could still be so insensitive and cruel even drunk.

So cruel.

The blonde had given her hope; hope for a friendship, hope for acceptance. But then the blonde had taken it away as quickly as it came. Ripped her hope out from underneath her. Stole it from her grasp.

The whispered taunts, and even outright taunts, had not stopped and Elphaba had found herself standing in shock when she came upon the blonde willingly participating in the ever present bullying towards her. When Galinda had spotted her roommate she had turned a deep shade of red and averted her eyes to the ground. Elphaba hadn't been able to tell whether the blonde had been embarrassed at being caught or if she had felt guilty.

The green girl doubted it was guilt.


	8. The Secret Of Friendship

_The green girl doubted it was guilt. _

--

**Chapter Eight: The Secret of Friendship**

Galinda had excused herself as quickly as she could from her group of friends and headed, her heals clicking loudly on the floor, towards her shared room. The blonde felt incredibly guilty for what she had just been caught doing.

No, she didn't just feel guilty, she felt horrible and disgusted at herself. She had promised to help Elphaba, promised to make her popular. And yet less than twenty-four hours later she had broken that promise by spreading completely false rumours about her roommate to her friends.

"Elphie?" Galinda cautiously questioned as she opened the door to their dorm.

"It's Elphaba," the green girl curtly replied from the bathroom.

Galinda tried the door but it was locked. She sighed. "Elphaba, please, I'm sorry."

The door flew open and Elphaba stood, her face inches from Galinda's. "You're sorry, are you?" she questioned, eyes flashing and sarcasm dripping from her voice. "I can't fathom how I was stupid enough to actually believe that Galinda, of all people, was going to be _my_ friend!"

"Elphaba, it's not that easy," Galinda tried to explain to the green girl, frustrated that her roommate couldn't seem to understand her predicament. "I want to be your friend but I can't drop my whole life for you! I have a popularity status to uphold. In case you didn't realize, you're not exactly the most socially acceptable person!"

Elphaba chuckled, a sound half way between a laugh and a sob. "I'm pretty sure I realized that a long time ago, Galinda."

The blonde frowned. "I'm not just talking about your skin! You're not exactly the easiest person to talk to and warm up to. Have you ever heard the way you talk? I can't believe the words that come from your mouth sometimes!"

Elphaba advanced forward, forcing Galinda to step backwards to keep her distance from her roommate. "I can't believe some of the words that come from _your_ mouth, Miss Galinda," the green girl said in a low, dangerous voice. "I eat paper and drink ink? I eat bats! For goodness sake I don't even eat meat Galinda! I don't need you spreading such rumours about me, I already have enough to deal with!"

"You're crying."

The two simple words caused Elphaba to freeze in her tracks and she quickly brushed her tears away with the back of her hand. "There was something in my eye."

"You shouldn't lie, Miss Elphaba, it's unladylike."

The green girl raised an eyebrow in slight amusement. "And when have I ever expressed any desire to be ladylike?"

Galinda smiled slightly. "Look, Elphie… I'm sorry but I just can't drop it all. I'm not like you, I can't be that strong. Please. Can't we just be friends?"

"Maybe I was overreacting," Elphaba whispered, more to herself than to her roommate. "Fine," she said with a resigned sigh. "But only if you promise to stop spreading such vile rumours. I understand that you don't want to be seen as my friend outside of this room but you don't need to add fuel to the already raging fire."

Galinda's small smile turned into a huge grin. "Oh… we're going to be such good friends! I can just feel it!"

Elphaba let her own small smile grace her often stone-masked face. She realized that maybe, for the first time, she might actually have a friend. A slightly over-bubbly friend but a friend nonetheless.

Even if the friendship had to be kept a secret.


	9. The Wronged

_**Author's Warning: **Implied rape. You have been warned._

--

_Even if the friendship had to be kept a secret._

--

**Chapter Nine: The Wronged**

She felt drowsy… tired… off. Something was wrong but she couldn't figure out what. Sounds seemed so far away and her vision was slightly blurry.

She saw, at least she thought she saw, the group of three boys that had left a few minutes ago after taunting her for nearly half an hour. She remember, vaguely, how they had sat down beside her on the bench complimenting her with that all-too-common mocking tone to their voices.

Suddenly she remembered how the one had sat far too close to her mug of coffee. She remembered how she had taken the drink away from him when he threatened to spill it on her.

She vaguely remembered how it seemed to have slipped something into it but at the time she had passed it off as an overactive and anxiety-ridden mind.

Now she knew why she felt like she did. They had drugged her. The three boys had drugged her.

And now they were coming back to see her. She watched; her mind screaming at her to do something but her body couldn't respond to her mind's commands. They got closer and closer. One she recognized, Avaric, but the other two she could not name… not in her particular condition.

Avaric grabbed her by the wrist, obviously knowing that their intended victim was drugged beyond fighting back. He smiled at her, a glint of lust in his eyes that even she could still identify.

He dragged her to the cover of the nearby trees, the two boys following behind him. He tossed her to the ground, her black hair falling out of it's normal braid and falling in front of her face.

Avaric grabbed her shoulder and turned her around, pushing her back against the ground. He pulled at her collar, stretching it to the point that he could get his hand down her dress. With quick motions he ripped off her bra and tossed it to the side.

She tried to fight back; tried to squirm away, to kick, to do anything but her drugged body was too sluggish to respond to her mind's screaming commands. She felt drowsy but was not too drowsy to be unable to understand what was going on around her. She felt like a prisoner in her body for she knew exactly what they were planning to do yet could do nothing to stop it.

Avaric's hand reached up the skirt of her dress, rubbing lightly against soft skin. He ripped away her undergarments and she let out a strangled sob as she pitifully tried to pull away.

His hand plunged deep inside of her and she screamed but they were in a far too secluded area and no one was around to hear her. Black hair flew every which way as she tossed her head like a wounded animal and pitifully tried to escape.

The moon broke through the clouds and shined through the upper foliage of the trees. The pale yellow light shined on the four people huddled together in the forest and cast an eerie glow on the lone girl's green skin.

Her pitiful attempts to escape proved useless and her soft, yet heart-wrenching screams fell on deaf ears.


	10. The Anger, The Shower, The Compassion

_Her pitiful attempts to escape proved useless and her soft, yet heart-wrenching screams fell on deaf ears._

--

**Chapter Ten: The Anger, The Shower, The Horror, The Compassion**

Galinda froze in horror as the door was opened with such force that it slammed against the wall and left a small dent. The lights were flicked on and Fiyero all but rolled out of bed… the only thing that kept him from the floor was the tangled sheets around his and Galinda's naked bodies.

"Get out!"

The roaring voice shocked both lovers and Fiyero soon found a green hand on his arm that ripped him out of the bed and he landed, with an audible thud, on the ground below. His clothes were thrown at him with such a force that he was almost knocked backwards.

"Elphaba!" Galinda shrieked as she sat up, wrapping her sheet tightly around her body. "What in Oz are–" The blonde faltered mid sentence as she made brief eye contact with her roommate. Blue eyes met brown, red-rimmed eyes and Galinda could clearly see tear streaks on the green girl's face.

Tear streaks that were burning the green skin.

"Elphaba…" Glinda whispered but her roommate ignored her and returned her attention to the still naked Fiyero sitting, dazed, on the floor.

"Get out!" Elphaba screamed, again, as she yanked him up by the hair.

He let out a small yelp but Elphaba ignored him and, instead, pushed him out through the still open door and threw what clothes he hadn't managed to grab on his own towards him. "Get out!" she repeated. "And learn to keep your fucking dick where it belongs!"

A faint gasp could be hear from inside the room at Elphaba's all but ladylike matter of speech but neither the green girl nor the prince really registered the sound.

"I know you were in on this!" Elphaba screamed, fully aware that she could potential awaken the whole floor. "And tell your little friends that they're damn well lucky they drugged me or else they all _would_ be dead right now! And the next time they can't keep their dicks in their pants I _will_ kill them… drugged or not!" The door slammed shut with the same force it had just previously been slammed open with.

"Elphaba…" Galinda said, worry colouring her voice. "Elphaba… what happened?"

"Drop it," the green girl replied, her voice shaking from barely suppressed sobs.

"But…"

Suddenly Elphaba whirled around. "Maybe ask one of your little friends!" she screamed. "I'm sure Pfannee and Shenshen know! Surely Fiyero does, just ask him!"

"I would if you hadn't thrown him out!"

"Shut-up!" Elphaba's voice reached an octave that Galinda didn't even know it could.

"Elphie…"

"Don't _Elphie _me! I'm just your roommate, remember? The green-skinned freak! Don't try to act like my friend just because I'm upset!" With those words Elphaba turned on her heel and stomped her way over to the bathroom before Galinda even had the chance to register what had just been said to her.

The soft click of locks sliding in to place told Galinda that her roommate had effectively locked herself in the bathroom. A few moments later the sound of running water reached Galinda, who had managed to shrug her discarded nightgown back on. The blonde figured that her roommate must be taking a shower to calm herself down.

"Wait," Galinda said to the empty room. "Elphaba's allergic to water, isn't she?"

Sudden realization of what her roommate was doing dawned on Galinda and she practically sprung up from her bed and bolted over to the bathroom door. She tried to open it but it was useless, the door was locked and held firm.

"Elphie!" Galinda called, frantically banging on the door. There was no response. "Elphaba!"

Realizing that her roommate either wasn't going to open the door or was incapable of opening the door Galinda took matters in to her own hands. She took a few steps backwards, lowered her shoulder, and ran with all the strength she could muster straight at the door.

It burst open. Galinda stumbled, her shoulder aching, into the bathroom silently thanking the Unnamed God for the badly built dormitories at Shiz.

"Elphaba?" Galinda questioned and the only response was small, almost inaudible, whimpers.

Not finding the green girl in her immediate surrounds Galinda took a deep breath, prepared herself for what she would find, and threw open the shower curtain. A sharp intake of breath and a strangled gasp were the only sounds able to escape the blonde's mouth.

Elphaba sat, in the fetal position, on the floor of the shower. Water, burning hot water, sprayed against her and each droplet that touched skin left a fiery red welt. Her skin was literally burning up as it was soaked with water. To Galinda it seemed as if her roommate was melting.

The blonde quickly regained her composure and managed to force herself to reach under the water to get to the shower taps and shut them off. The water stopped and Elphaba visibly relaxed as her skin, though it still burnt, was no longer assaulted by the deadly substance.

"Elphaba…"

"Go away," the green girl muttered, her voice slightly muffled by her knees.

"I don't believe you're in any condition to be alone right now… roommate, friend, or freak." Galinda stepped over the threshold of the shower and lowered herself so that she kneeled in front of the huddled form of Elphaba.

"I'm fine."

"You just tried to kill yourself!"

Elphaba's head snapped up at the accusation and red-rimmed, puffy brown eyes met wide, concerned blue ones for the briefest of moments before Elphaba turned her head to the side and stared at something on the shower wall. "I wasn't…" she whispered. "I… I just needed to… to feel clean."

"You're not making any sense!" Galinda let out a frustrated sigh. "Maybe if you just told me –"

"It's nothing Galinda," Elphaba interrupted. "Really. I'm just overreacting."

"Elphaba Thropp does not overreact," Galinda said with a small smile. "And you know that."

"Galinda Upland does not mind her own business," Elphaba replied with her own small, though far more sadder, smile. "And you know that."

The two roommates fell silent and Galinda noticed, for the first time, the poor condition of Elphaba's already distressed clothes. The thick, black, floor-length dress that she wore was torn in many spots and the collar had been stretched so far that a person could fit a hand down there.

"My Oz, Elphaba, you look horrible."

The green girl let out a strangled laugh. "Well now my clothes are soaked too, so that can't make them look any better."

Galinda frowned as she slowly straightened up and stepped out of the shower. Elphaba watched the blonde quizzically as she busied her self in the bathroom. A few seconds later a couple towels were haphazardly thrown in the green girl's direction.

"There must be something that you have for those burns," Galinda muttered more to herself than to her roommate.

"Bottom right drawer," Elphaba replied as she bit her bottom lip in pain.

The green girl tried to dry herself but whenever she moved her wet clothes rubbed against already opened sores on her body and burnt her painfully. Galinda turned around, the bottle of oil she had been looking for proudly in her hand, and laid eyes on her struggling roommate.

"It hurts, doesn't it?" Galinda asked, her voice a mere whisper.

Elphaba looked up but grimaced at the pain her wet hair caused on her exposed neck. "More than you could ever know."

Galinda sighed and turned back to the cabinet. A few moments later she had found what she was looking for and had returned to Elphaba's side. Before the green girl even knew what was happening Galinda was cutting her wet dress off of her.

"What… what are you doing?" Elphaba tried to wriggle her way out of the blonde's reach but the pain limited her movements.

"Your dress is already torn beyond repair and I figured the easiest way to get it off would be to just cut it."

"I'm amazed," Elphaba said with a smile. "Even Galinda can have good ideas."

"I'm a very good thinker under pressure Elphie, you've just never had the chance to experi–" Galinda's words trailed off as Elphaba's dress was cut away from her upper body.

Angry red welts covered almost every inch of skin and Galinda let out a strangled gasp at the sight. "Oh Elphie…" she whispered.

"It's nothing."

"It's so unfair," Galinda muttered as she continued to cut away the dress. "It's just water and yet… it's just so unfair!"

Elphaba sighed as she slowly picked up the bottle of oil from where it had been discarded by Galinda on the shower floor. With as much gentleness as she could managed the green girl began to spread the healing oil over as much of her upper body as she could reach.

"Elphie…" Galinda's tone of voice suggested that the blonde wished to ask something of her roommate but had no idea how to go about it.

"Just spit it out."

"Do you not wear a bra?"

Elphaba's hand stopped it's soothing circular motion on her skin and she adverted her eyes away from her roommate. "Well… it's just that… well…" Elphaba sighed. "I… I usually do."

"Then why are you –" Galinda's voice trailed off, for the uncountable time that day, as everything that had happened in the span of the last few minutes clicked in the blonde's mind and realization suddenly struck her in full force. "You… you were… that's why… they… you were raped!"

"Galinda… please…" Elphaba's voice was shaking again as the green girl desperately tried to suppress the new wave of sobs threatening to assault her.

The scissors echoed loudly in the now silent bathroom as Galinda's shaking hands dropped them. The blonde girl had no qualms about sex before marriage for herself but she knew what her roommate thought on the matter. After all, Elphaba had never had any qualms about expressing her disgust at Galinda's sexual endeavors. Especially when the green girl would accidentally walk in on Galinda and her lover, whomever that lover might be at the time.

"Oh… oh Elphie… I'm so sorry," Galinda managed to stutter out between her own barely suppressed tears. "I… I know how… how much you never… and… well… sweet Oz! I'm so sorry!"

"Galinda… please… just drop it." Elphaba quickly wiped away her tears before they had a chance to burn her skin too badly.

"But Elphie! You have… you have to talk about this! What… what in all of Oz happened? And how!"

"Galinda… don't… just don't…" Elphaba shrugged off the comforting hand that Galinda placed on her shoulder.

"At least tell me who," Galinda whispered.

Elphaba shook her head but the action caused her soaking wet hair to rub painfully against her now bare back. She let out a small hiss of pain. "There's… there's nothing that you need to know. Just drop it."

Galinda nodded, though her roommate couldn't see the action for she wasn't looking at her. The blonde noticed how Elphaba's long hair was soaking wet and seemed to be burning her back even further. Taking the initiative Galinda carefully pulled her roommates hair off of her back and twisted it into a tight bun as gently as she could. She pulled the hairpin from her own hair and used it to pin the thick black bun in place.

Silently Galinda retrieved her scissors from the floor and returned to the steady work of cutting Elphaba's soaked dressing and carefully peeling it away from the burnt green skin. Elphaba slowly returned to rubbing the oil over her body in an almost useless attempt at relief.

"Elphie?" Galinda whispered as she reached the hips of her roommate. "Do… well… would you rather I didn't cut any further?"

The consideration for her feelings shocked Elphaba. Never, in all her dreams, would Elphaba had ever thought that her blonde roommate would have such a capacity for compassion and understanding.

"I can't do it on my own," Elphaba murmured and though her words were not a complete confirmation they were enough for Galinda to continue.

The blonde helped Elphaba stand up and the green girl found herself unable to support her own body weight without leaning heavily on the shower wall. Galinda slowly cut away the bottom of the dress from behind and carefully peeled it away from the green skin. Throughout the process Galinda was cautious of touching Elphaba and kept her eyes adverted as much as she could to try and keep her roommate as comfortable as possible in such a situation.

Something red and thick had pooled on the shower floor and Galinda, in concern for her friend, followed its trail to find it's source. She adverted her eyes, her cheeks turning red in embarrassment, as the very source of the blood was the very source of Elphaba's troubles.

"You're bleeding," Galinda whispered as she picked up one of the discarded towels and gentle patted dry Elphaba's back. "I need that oil."

Elphaba tiredly handed the small bottle to her roommate as she let her eyes drift closed in exhaustion. "I know," she replied. "About the blood that is," she quickly clarified.

Galinda made a small throaty noise meant to be a confirmation of Elphaba's words but turned out to be more of a half-suppressed sob. The blonde poured a little of the oil on her hands and rubbed it on her roommate's back as softly as she could. Despite Galinda's best efforts at being gentle the green girl still hissed in pain as the oil touched raw, burnt skin.

The blonde finished administrating the oil on Elphaba's back and legs and then handed the bottle over to her roommate. "Do you want to do the front yourself?"

Elphaba nodded slightly, the motion sending a few drops of water from her tightly wound hair to cascade down her neck and back but she hardly noticed.

"Will you be okay by yourself?" Galinda asked, concern colouring every syllable of her words.

"I'll be fine."

Galinda nodded as she carefully stepped out of the shower. "If you need anything… anything at all… please, don't hesitate to ask."

Elphaba nodded silently and Galinda sighed at her roommate's silence. The blonde quietly walked across the bathroom, taking a few more towels out of the drawer and placing them on the counter just in case her roommate needed them.

"Galinda," Elphaba whispered and the blonde paused at the door of the bathroom.

"Yes?"

"Thank… thank you."

Galinda turned slightly, making sure to keep her eyes up and locked onto Elphaba's so that her roommate knew that she was not looking at her naked body. "Well, that's what friends are for," she replied with a smile before turning around and leaving the bathroom.

The door might've been knocked down but Elphaba noticed that Galinda had retreated to the far corner of the dormitory so as not to be in view of her and the bathroom. Again, the blonde's capacity for compassion surprised Elphaba and she allowed a small smile to grace her exhausted face.

Nearly an hour later Elphaba managed to stumble her way out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped lightly around her burning skin. The oil, though soothing, was not doing as much for the deep burns as Elphaba would've liked.

The green girl noticed that her thinnest and largest nightgown had been carefully placed on her bed and that her sheets had been neatly folded back so that Elphaba would have as little need of movement as possible to get into bed. A quick glance behind her assured the green girl that her roommate was asleep. Elphaba let go of the towel and it dropped lightly on to the floor. It took some time but eventually she managed to struggle her way into her nightgown with a very minimal amount of pain. Carefully she slipped into her bed and pulled the covers tightly around her.

After all sound ceased Galinda finally dared to open her eyes up and peek across the dark room to the bed across from her. She had faked sleep so that Elphaba would feel more comfortable and so that she would be able to assure herself that her roommate was okay. Well, at least, as okay as she could be considering her situation.

Galinda had to squeeze her eyes shut to stop her own tears as she heard the faint sounds of muffled sobs reaching her ears.

Elphaba Thropp was crying, unchecked, into her faded pillow.


	11. The After

_Elphaba Thropp was crying, unchecked, into her faded pillow._

--

**Chapter Eleven: The After**

Against the blonde's protests Elphaba dragged herself out of bed and forced herself to get ready to face the day that she knew was going to be full of even more taunts and rumours then usual. The green girl wondered how many of the students had been in on the sick 'prank' pulled on her and how many others were oblivious.

_Well_, she thought, _Oblivious for now_.

Elphaba knew that as soon as the students entered their first class of the day they would hear the stories; the gossip and the rumours. She knew that Avaric and his friends wouldn't keep their accomplishment to themselves. The three boys would brag about what they did to anyone who was willing to listen; and probably even to those who weren't so willing.

"Elphie…" Galinda whispered, her tone of voice and demeanor clearly showing her concern.

The green girl paused in lacing up her boots and looked up at her roommate. She forced a smile. "I'll be fine."

"You shouldn't be going out there," Galinda said. "You need to stay here, you need to rest. You can't ignore what happened Elphie, you need to deal with this!"

Elphaba sighed as she finished lacing her boots and carefully stood up; her still burnt skin hampering her movements.. "I _am_ dealing with this Galinda. Besides, I'm not going to let everyone out there think that they got the better of me. I will _not_ let them see me broken by this."

"Would that be such a bad thing?"

Elphaba paused with her hand on the doorknob. "What do you mean by that?"

"Maybe… maybe if you showed them that what they do hurts. Maybe if you showed them that you actually _cared_. Maybe then they'll stop!"

Elphaba chuckled; a low, desperate, pain-filled laugh. "Clearly, Miss Galinda, you have never been on the receiving end of such insufferable jeering before."

"You think being strong is going to make them stop!" The blonde was on her feet now, her face distorted in frustration. "But you're how old… seventeen? Eighteen? Has it stopped yet? Has being the strong one fixed it all yet!"

"Galinda…" Elphaba's voice was low and carried a hint of warning with it. "You don't understand what you're talking about."

"I understand more then you care to acknowledge!" Galinda screamed, trying to get her roommate to see her point. "After all, I'm one of the one who teases! I know why certain people are teased and others aren't!"

Elphaba turned around to face her still-furious roommate. "I'm _green_," Elphaba said in a low, angry whisper. "The rules never applied to me."

The door slammed shut behind the now-furious green girl and Galinda stood, shocked, staring at empty air where her roommate used to be standing.

"Today is not going to be a good day," the blonde whispered to the empty room. "For either of us."


	12. The Confrontation

_"Today is not going to be a good day," the blonde whispered to the empty room. "For either of us."_

--

**Chapter Twelve: The Confrontation**

Elphaba sat down at her normal seat in the cafeteria. The rain pelted heavily against the windows, blocking the sun and sending strange shadows across the students eating lunch. The table that the green girl sat down at was empty, as always, despite the fact that all of the students in Shiz could barely fit into the cafeteria at the best of times.

Elphaba played with the food on her plate as she found herself with a lack of appetite so severe that the very sight of the food was making her slightly nauseous.

Someone sat down beside her.

Elphaba tried to ignore the person, keeping her head down to give the person the hint to leave her alone. However, the stranger would not leave and instead scooted even closer to the green girl. Elphaba frowned, gathered up her courage, and raised her head to face the person.

She gasped, shuddered, let out a strangled sob, and jumped up – knocking over her lunch tray – all in the same moment. "Get away from me!" she hissed, tears threatening to spill from her eyes.

"Why so harsh towards me Miss Elphaba?" Avaric said with a small, twisted smile plastered on his face. "What about that romantic night we had last night? Was it not enough for you?" Avaric crossed the small space between himself and the green girl and gently caressed the side of her face with the back of his hand. "Would you care for a repeat performance?"

"Get away!" Elphaba's eyes quickly darted back and forth in her eye sockets as she desperately tried to find someone to help her. However, everyone seemed to either not notice the interaction going on or they were choosing to ignore it.

"You gave us quite a fright with your powers there last night," Avaric continued, moving closer towards the green girl. "Good thing we had you drugged or you could've permanently hurt us." He dropped his hand from Elphaba's face and placed it on the small of her back. He gently pulled her body towards him. Elphaba found herself frozen in fear and unable to defend herself as their hips pressed tightly against each other.

"Leave her alone!"

The high-pitched, squeaky voice shocked everyone and the whole cafeteria fell silent. Avaric's tight hold around the green girl slackened slightly and Elphaba managed to push herself away from him. She stumbled backwards a few steps before regaining her balance and righting herself. She quickly wiped her wet eyes with her sleeve to help prevent any tears from falling on her face and burning her skin even more then it already was burnt.

"Why Galinda, so nice of you to come to your roommate's aid," Avaric said. "Though I'm sure she'll tell you that she's quite capable of defending herself."

Elphaba looked from Avaric to her blonde roommate, standing a few tables away from her. The tension in the cafeteria was clear to even the dumbest of students as Avaric stared intently at Galinda. "Galinda, please," Elphaba whispered. "Just let it be."

The blonde shook her head and picked her way through the crowded cafeteria until she was standing in-between Avaric and her roommate, facing Avaric. A moment later the loud ringing of a slap echoed throughout the silent cafeteria as Avaric's head snapped to the side. Galinda stood, quietly panting, her hand still poised in the air. Slowly she lowered her hand, never letting her eyes leave Avaric's face, and said; "Leave Elphie alone you fucking pervert!"

The whole cafeteria, including Elphaba, gasped in unison at the blonde's incredibly rare use of the swear word. "Galinda, please…" Elphaba's voice seemed to suggest that she was on the very edge of tears. "Please… don't do this. I'm not worth it."

Galinda whirled around. "Of course you're worth it!" the blonde screamed. "You're worth it more than anyone else in this whole school!"

Elphaba's eyes widened in shock. She couldn't believe what she was seeing. Was Galinda really standing up for her? In public?

The blonde turned to address the whole shocked student body. "You all think this is some sort of funny joke! A little harmless prank!" Galinda's face was red with anger and hysterics. "She was raped! _Raped_! And you all laugh about it! You're all fucking twisted in the head! She's not the freak, _you_ guys are!"

Galinda lunged at Avaric, her anger boiling up to the point that she felt that she had to do _something_ to release it. Elphaba lunged after her roommate, enclosing her in a tight bear hug, and pulled the tiny, fighting body away from the cowering, confused Avaric. The green girl managed to drag the blonde a few feet away from Avaric and whisper random, nonsense, calming words into Galinda's ear until the blonde calmed down enough to be let go.

"_Raped_?" Avaric questioned with a small laugh. "Is that what she told you?"

Galinda, still panting from her outburst, laid cold, burning eyes on Avaric. "Don't you dare try to twist this around to somehow be her fault. She did nothing wrong!"

"She let herself get drugged," Avaric simply stated. "And everyone knows what boys want to do when they get a girl drugged."

"She _let_ herself get drugged!" Galinda's voice reached an octave higher than anyone in the cafeteria had ever heard before. "Avaric you are a sick, twisted, fucked up human being! You and your three friends! I ought to have you expelled!"

"Like Madame Morrible will believe what the artichoke says." Avaric laughed and a few boys around him laughed too.

"Her name is _Elphaba_!"

"Does it matter?"

"Of course it matters!" Galinda's face was red with anger. "She's a human being! She has a name! Use it!"

"Galinda, please," Elphaba pleaded, her voice a whimper against Galinda's anger. "Please… just drop it. This isn't worth it."

"Elphaba," Galinda whispered. "If you're not going to stand up for yourself on this then I'll just have to for you."

Elphaba grabbed her roommate's arm and spun her around so that they faced each other. "Don't throw away your friends, your popularity, just for me," she whispered. "Thank you but… but I'm just not worth it."

"Elphie…" Galinda's face fell. "Elphie… you _are_ worth it. Don't let them win."

"I don't care. I don't care what they think." The green girl leaned forward so that her mouth was so close to Galinda's ear that the blonde could feel Elphaba's warm breath on her skin.

"As long as you're my friend then they will _never_ win," Elphaba whispered.


	13. The Dress

"_As long as you're my friend then they will _never_ win," Elphaba whispered._

--

**Chapter Thirteen: The Dress**

Elphaba frowned as Galinda dragged her through the busy streets of the Upper Level of town by her wrist. She couldn't quite believe that her blonde friend had managed to convince her to go… to go _shopping_ of all things.

"I don't know why we're here," Elphaba tried to explain to the bubbly blonde in front of her. "I can't afford to shop here. I'm a Lower Levels kind of girl."

"Don't worry about that," Galinda said as she continued to drag her roommate through the twisting and busy streets. "This is my treat."

"I don't even need anything," Elphaba tried to protest. "So why did you have to drag me along?"

Galinda suddenly stopped and spun around to face the green girl. "You're dress was ruined and you need a replacement!" she stated, her eyes flashing with determination.

"It was just an old, ratty frock. It doesn't need to be replaced."

"It was unfairly ruined." Galinda turned around and returned to continue leading her friend along. "And I am going to replace it."

"Galinda, you don't have to do this," Elphaba continued but her futile attempts to escape from the shopping trip fell on deaf ears.

"I know but I _want_ to," Galinda replied as she ducked into a small boutique store, dragging her green friend along with her.

"Oh Miss Galinda!" a shopkeeper exclaimed as soon as she laid eyes on the blonde, curly hair. "Back again?"

"For a friend this time," Galinda replied with a smile, pulling the reluctant and suddenly shy Elphaba beside her.

The shopkeeper's smile disappeared for the briefest of seconds as she caught sight of the green skin but it took only moments for her to compose herself again. "And you may be?"

"Elphaba," Elphaba introduced herself as she thought; _So money can get even the green-skinned ignored._

"Do you know what size you are?" the shopkeeper asked.

Elphaba shrugged. "A four or a six maybe? I'm not too sure, I haven't bought anything in quiet awhile."

"Well that looks to be about right to me," the shopkeeper said. "Just look around and if you find anything you like that's not in your size then just call me and I will see if we have your size, okay?"

Elphaba nodded and then watched as the shopkeeper disappeared into an aisle of clothes. "I don't think this is going to work," Elphaba said.

"It'll be fine Elphie!" Galinda said a little too excitedly. "I picked this boutique because it's a little more quirky, more of your style I think."

"I highly doubt you know what my style – if I even have a style – is," Elphaba replied with a small chuckle. "But if you insist I guess there is no harm in looking."

"See, that's the spirit!" Galinda exclaimed. "We'll split up, that way we'll cover more ground."

Elphaba nodded and then Galinda disappeared into an aisle of clothes much like the shopkeeper had. The green girl sighed as she slowly began perusing the aisle of clothes closes to her. It took far too long for her liking but near the end of the aisle something caught her attention. The deep purple peeked out from where is was shoved behind a multitude of far more fashionable clothes. Elphaba routed through the clothes in her way until her hand finally touched the soft fabric of the dress that she suddenly seemed so intrigued about. She untangled its hanger from all the others and pulled it free.

Galinda found Elphaba moments later as she stood in the aisle, the purple dress held up in front of her.

"Did you find something you like?" Galinda asked quietly as she slowly walked up to the seemingly memorized green girl.

Elphaba shook her head to rid herself of her trance and turned to face her blonde friend. "Not really, it's just nothing."

"Don't lie Elphie," Galinda said with a smile. "I can see the look in your eyes. You like that dress, don't you?"

"I like the colour," Elphaba whispered. "My mom had a dress this colour. I loved it as a child."

Galinda smiled. "Well try it on then!"

Elphaba shook her head. "It won't look good on me. I'll clash with it. I class with everything that isn't black."

"There's no harm in trying." Galinda took the dress from Elphaba and looked at the tag. "It's a size four so it should fit. Come on try it on!"

Elphaba frowned and then finally nodded. "Very well, if you insist."

In moments Galinda had the stunned green girl in a dressing room and stood impatiently outside to wait for the results. "Well?" the blonde questioned once she began to become impatient with Elphaba's slowness. "How does it look?"

Silence. Galinda frowned at the quietness from the dressing room but soon she heard the soft sliding of a lock being opened and the door was slowly pushed open.

Galinda's mouth opened in shock as she stared at Elphaba standing there in the deep purple dress. The colour strangely complimented Elphaba's green skin and the long sleeves gave an elegant look to the dress. There were tiny embellishments that ran along the deep 'V' neckline.

"The neckline is kind of low," Elphaba whispered as she turned around and stared at herself in the mirror.

"You look stunning," Galinda whispered in awe. "Absolutely stunning."

Elphaba whirled around, her eyes wide in shock. "Truly?"

Galinda nodded. "I can't believe it. You look amazing in that colour! And the dress fits you perfectly. It's like it was made for you." Galinda turned to face the shopkeeper. "We'll take it!"

"Galinda!" Elphaba protested. "It's way too expensive. It's just a dress."

"It's not just a dress," Galinda said. "It's a dress that shows how beautiful you truly are."


	14. The Flu?

"_It's not just a dress," Galinda said. "It's a dress that shows how beautiful you really are."_

--

**Chapter Fourteen: The Flu?**

"Elphie?"

The green girl frowned from her position kneeling in front of the commode. She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and turned to face the blonde standing in the doorway of the bathroom. "I thought you were out shopping?"

Galinda's own frown matched the green girl's. "I'm done," she replied absentmindedly. "Are you well?"

Elphaba smiled slightly. "I'm fine," she replied. "It's just this damn stomach flu."

"You've been getting sick for weeks now." Galinda perched herself on the edge of the bathroom vanity; her feet dangling a foot or two off the floor. "Are you sure it's nothing more?"

Elphaba opened her mouth to reply but she suddenly turned her head back to the commode as her body forced her to empty the contents of her morning meal into the small, porcelain bowl. Galinda peered over Elphaba into the commode to see something that horrified her.

"There's blood in there," the blonde whispered.

Elphaba wiped her mouth again and turned to face her roommate. "It's nothing Galinda," she tried to reassure her. "Don't worry about it."

"But there's blood!" The blonde was on her feet now. "Elphie, this isn't just the flu. Something's wrong!"

Elphaba shook her head and closed the lid on the commode. "Galinda, trust me. It's nothing. I'm taking care of it."

"You're doing nothing!" Galinda's face was red with frustration and concern. "You never do anything for yourself! You're sick and you're ignoring it!"

Elphaba sighed and stood up. "Galinda, I'm fine," she said before striding past the blonde. "If anyone asks I'll be in the library." Elphaba closed the door behind her and quickly walked down the small hallway to the stairs.

Green hands quickly brushed tears out of the corners of her eyes, burning her skin slightly. She knew. Elphaba Thropp knew that it was more than just the stomach flu. She laid a shaking hand on her stomach to feel the slight swelling there that she was desperately trying to convince herself was just bloating.

But she knew. Elphaba knew the truth but was desperately trying to convince herself that what was happening to her was not what the back of her mind was trying to tell her.

Elphaba Thropp was afraid of the truth.


	15. The Trouble With Life Is

_Elphaba Thropp was afraid of the truth. _

--

**Chapter Fourteen: The Trouble With Life Is… The Cruelty of Fate**

The two pink lines stared, accusingly, up at the green girl. _Pink goes good with green, _she thought mockingly as she sat on the bathroom counter.

She couldn't believe this was happening. She had denied it for months. She had dismissed her morning sickness as nothing more than a simple virus that she couldn't shake. It wasn't until she had finally started to show that Elphaba realized she couldn't deny the truth to herself anymore.

Elphaba Thropp was carrying a rape baby.

The tears pooled in the corner of her eyes but she squeezed them shut to prevent the burning liquid from falling. However, all that accomplished was to cause the salty water to collect on her eyelashes before slowly trailing down her face. She wiped them away as soon as she felt the familiar tingle of burning skin.

"I'll be back in a few hours!" A bubbly voice called through the bathroom door. "Going shopping with Pfannee and Shenshen!"

"Okay…" Elphaba replied, desperately trying to keep her voice from shaking. If her blonde roommate noticed Elphaba's less than calm disposition she didn't comment on it.

The slamming door told Elphaba that Galinda was gone and that she had the whole dormitory to herself. Slowly she pushed herself off of the counter and dropped the used pregnancy test in the disposal; not even bothering to hide it or the box it came in. With heavy steps she left the bathroom and made her way to her small corner of the closet. She pulled on her boots, tying up the laces painfully slowly, and shrugged on her heavy, black winter coat. The green girl was dressed head to toe in black outerwear as she stepped out the door carrying only her keys and wallet. She closed the door as quietly as possible and locked it.

It took nearly ten minutes before Elphaba could bring herself to let go of the doorknob and leave. She counted each of the four hundred and twenty-three steps that it took for her to get from her room to the outside of the dorm building. She thanked the Unnamed God that so far no one had noticed her. Maybe it was the fact that she had looked no where but the ground in an attempt to not be noticed. A rare occurrence for her as she always made a point to walk with her head held high no matter what.

But not today.

Elphaba pulled her hood up and slipped her hands into her pockets to protect herself from the falling snow. The snow itself did not burn her but if the white substance landed on her skin then her own body warmth would melt it into water and burn her. It was a cruel addition to her already cruel enough allergy.

The trip into the Lower Levels of town was uneventful. She didn't dare hail a carriage and instead choose to walk. It took over two hours but the green girl didn't mind.

It was almost like she was punishing herself for what she intended to do.

She found the store she wanted with ease. Its yellow sign stood out in stark contrast to the rest of the dank stores in the area. Small, cursive writing in shocking silver on the yellow sign betrayed its name: _The Herbal House: Ancient Herbal Healing_.

Elphaba stood in front of the glass door for exactly eighteen minutes and thirty-seven seconds before she gathered up the courage to enter. As the bundled up green girl pushed the door open a small bell overhead rang cheerily to signal her arrival. She stood awkwardly at the entrance of the cramped store for a few minutes until an older woman, hunched over a cane, shuffled her way from the back.

"What can I do for you, young lady?" the old woman asked in a raspy voice as Elphaba pulled her hood down and rubbed her frozen hands together to try and regain warmth in them.

The old woman's eyes widened in shock as she caught sight of her customer's green skin but she quickly regained her composure as Elphaba laid a cold glare on her.

"So, dearie," the old woman drawled out. "What can I do for you?"

"I… I…" Elphaba's voice faltered and she nervously intertwined her fingers to try and calm herself. "Well… I've heard that you… well…"

"Got yourself in some trouble, dearie?"

Elphaba was shocked at the old woman's apparent foreknowledge of her situation and it must've shown on her face because the old woman smiled warmly and said: "No girl of your young age would step foot in here unless they were desperate. Please, follow me."

Elphaba nodded, her throat suddenly dry, as she followed the elderly woman through a small, almost hidden, door at the very back of the store. The room they entered was tiny, with a small red cushioned chair in the center. It was lined with shelves full of herbal medicines and strange looking devices.

"Please, have a seat." The old woman gestured to the lone chair and Elphaba, removing her coat and setting it on the back of the chair, perched carefully on the edge of it.

"There are two ways we can go about this," the old woman explained. "We can do it right here, right now, but it will hurt, a lot."

Elphaba visibly flinched as she watched the old lady pull some very interesting tools off of one of the shelves. "And the other way?" she quickly asked as the old woman turned around to face her.

"Pennyroyal," the old woman replied as she walked towards the nervous, frightened, young woman.

"Pennyroyal?" Elphaba questioned as she dropped her gaze to her lap. She watched as her hands nervously twisted her deep purple dress… the dress that Galinda had bought for her to replace the one that had gotten ruined that night.

That night that had caused her to end up here.

"It's an essential oil that can induce miscarriages," the old woman explained. "But it can take many days and it's painful in its own ways. You will have to deal with the blood and the… _it_… on your own while if you do it here I can deal with all that for you."

Elphaba gulped, still staring at her lap. She wished to get it over and done with but something about it being done here, by this old lady, was just too twisted and too creepy for her liking.

The green girl also reasoned that she didn't deserve to take the easy way out. She got herself in this mess so she had to get herself out of it. It was her punishment to have to do this on her own.

"I'll take the pennyroyal," she choked out.

The old lady raised a questioning eyebrow and leveled a stare on the young girl before her. Elphaba, realizing that the old woman was looking at her, raised her head to make eye contact. They stayed there for a few moments as the old lady searched through Elphaba's eyes. Seemingly finding what she was looking for the old lady nodded and turned back to the shelves. She returned the tools to their place and then turned back around to face the green girl.

"Who's the father?" the old woman asked, a softness in her eyes that Elphaba did not expect.

"He's… well… I'm not sure…" Elphaba muttered, dropping her gaze back to her lap.

"You don't strike me as one who's overly… active so to say."

Elphaba turned her head, unable to even look at her own hands anymore, and stared at a small dent in the wood floor. "I'm not," she replied quietly.

"I see," the old woman whispered before she turned around and disappeared through a small hallway leading even further back in the store.

Elphaba sat in nervous silence; her hands twisting her dress on her lap and her right foot unconsciously tapping against the dusty wood floor. After a couple long minutes the old lady returned with a small bottle in her hand.

"Just a few drops in your tea once a day, dear," she instructed. "Take it for no more than five days… it's extremely poisonous after that."

Elphaba nodded, taking the offered bottle and standing up. "How much?" she asked quietly.

The price the old woman named was ridiculously low. Elphaba dropped the required coins in to her outstretched wrinkled hand, put her heavy winter coat back on, and then forced herself to walk calmly back into the front of the store. She tucked the bottle into her pocket before opening the door and stepping out into the now blistering cold of the winter night. The green girl pulled her hood up to cover as much of her head and face as she could and then shoved her hands deep into her pockets. Her right hand brushed lightly against the bottle in her pocket but she shifted it so that her hand would not touch it.

And then she ran.


	16. The Present

_And then she ran._

--

**Chapter Sixteen: The Present**

"Where have you been?"

The question startled Elphaba and she closed the door with a frantic jerk. "What are you still doing up?" the green girl asked, trying to hide her nervousness from her voice, as she pulled her hood down.

"It's nearly two in the morning," Galinda whispered. "Where have you been? I was so worried Elphie!"

Elphaba stiffened as her blonde roommate sprung from her bed and enveloped her in a tight hug. "Sweet Oz Elphie, I thought something horrible had happened!"

"I'm fine Galinda," Elphaba replied with a small chuckle as she returned the blonde's hug.

"When I couldn't find you in the library I got really scared. I thought maybe… well… maybe what happened before happened again." Galinda pulled away from the embrace and blue, tear-filled eyes met Elphaba's brown eyes "I was really scared!"

Elphaba was shocked that Galinda would care so much for her green-skinned roommate. "Galinda, I'm fine, really."

"Are you sure?" the blonde questioned, her eyes shining with relief and hope. "You've been out late."

"I just needed some time to relax. Walk around. Be on my own," Elphaba replied with a forced smile. For some reason it felt incredibly wrong to be lying to the optimistic blonde before her.

Elphaba felt guilty.

If Galinda noticed her roommates nervousness she didn't mention anything about it. Instead, the bubbly blonde bounded over to her bed where a small shopping bag still laid on the pink sheets.

"I know you don't like shopping so I got you a present."

Elphaba, who was in the middle of removing her boots, froze at Galinda's outburst. "You really didn't have to do that," she replied as her blonde roommate shoved a small present in to Elphaba's chest. "Galinda… I can't take this."

"Oh, come on Elphie!" Galinda exclaimed as she plopped back on her bed. "It's a present!"

The green girl raised an eyebrow in question but finally resigned herself to the gift. She quickly finished taking her boats off and laying her coat haphazardly across the dresser. A few moments later Elphaba was sitting on her bed, her troubles forgotten, as she slowly unwrapped the meticulously done up present.

Inside, on a purple cushion, laid a large black bottle made of glass. Elphaba carefully removed it and set the box down on her bed. The green girl unscrewed the lid and the pleasant aroma of poppies wafted from the bottle.

"Is this…?" Elphaba raised questioning eyes to her roommate.

"It's the same as that oil you use to wash yourself except better! And I know you were running low so I though it would be the perfect gift to get you!"

"But… but…" Elphaba stammered, dropping her gaze back to the bottle. "What I get is already expensive, and it's half the size of this. This must of cost a fortune!"

"Don't worry about it," Galinda said with a huge grin plastered on her face.

"Galinda…"

The blonde frowned at Elphaba's choked voice. "Elphie, what's wrong?"

The green girl smiled as she quickly wiped her tears away before they could burn her skin. "Nothing," she murmured but Galinda would have none of her roommate's attitude.

Before Elphaba could blink back the rest of her tears Galinda was sitting beside her on the worn brown beddings. "You're crying. What's wrong?"

Elphaba laughed nervously as Galinda wiped the tears off of the green girl's face. "It's just… well… I hadn't had a good day and then… then you did this."

"Elphie, I'm you're friend. This is what friends do!"

"I wouldn't know that." Elphaba turned her face away so she didn't have to look at her blonde roommate. She felt horrible for lying to Galinda about where she had been, especially after the gift Galinda had bought her.

"Oh, Elphie." Galinda's voice took on that tone of disbelief that was so common when she talked to Elphaba. "You're going to have to get used to this."

"I think we should go to bed," Elphaba said, her voice suddenly short and harsh. "We have school in a few hours."

Galinda's face fell but she didn't press Elphaba's sudden change in mood. "Very well," the blonde muttered.

A few minutes later Galinda was changed in to one of her many pink nightgowns with her make-up washed off and her hair tied in a low ponytail. Elphaba hadn't moved from her place on her bed.

"Elphaba?" Galinda questioned as she tucked herself underneath her sheets.

"Thank you," the green girl whispered, raising tear-filled eyes to look at her roommate.

Galinda just smiled, rolled over, and closed her eyes. A few minutes later the quiet snoring that rose from the bundle of pink sheets alerted Elphaba that her roommate was asleep. The green girl let out a quiet sigh as she placed the bottle back on its purple cushion and closed the box. Gently she placed the box on her nightstand and stood up. Being as quiet as she could, so as not to wake Galinda, she walked over to where her coat laid draped over the dresser. She reached into the pocket and pulled out the small bottle that she had bought earlier.

She watched as her green hand shook violently as it held tightly on to the bottle. She hadn't quiet completely comprehended what she was intending to do. She'd never killed anyone before but was this truly a _person_ that she would be killing? It wasn't really… just a half-being. Not even completely developed.

"Might as well begin," Elphaba murmured, too quiet for her roommate to be woken.

The green girl slowly opened the bottle and smelt it. It didn't smell bad; certainly not what she expected a poison to smell like. A voice in the back of her mind was screaming at her, telling her that to take it on it's own was too dangerous… it needed to be diluted.

Elphaba ignored the voice in her mind and carefully tipped the bottle into her opened mouth. It tasted bitter as the liquid dripped onto her tongue. It was only a few drops that she swallowed but its thick consistency made her gag slightly. She suppressed her natural reaction in order to keep herself quiet and not awaken Galinda.

There was no immediate reaction. Elphaba wasn't sure what exactly was suppose to happen or what exactly she was suppose to feel but it was unnerving to her to not feel _anything_.

The green girl sighed heavily as she returned to her bed. She placed the small bottle in the top drawer of her nightstand, hiding it underneath her schoolwork, before changing into her nightgown. Slowly she pulled her sheets back and crawled into bed. Sleep eluded her for much of the night. It might've just been her imagination but she swore she could feel her abdomen twisting in on itself ever so slightly – as if it was trying to suffocate the child within her.

An hour before her alarm was due to go off Elphaba Thropp finally fell into an unsettlingly sleep.


	17. The Pain, The Blood, The Sin

_An hour before her alarm was due to go off Elphaba Thropp finally fell into an unsettlingly sleep._

--

**Chapter Seventeen: The Pain, The Blood, The Sin**

Three days later, early Thursday morning, Galinda Upland was awoken from her pleasant dream by the sound of painful moans. "Elphaba?" she questioned, her voice muffled by her pillow. When there was no response from her roommate the blonde managed to lift her head and direct dazed eyes across the room.

Elphaba's eyes were squeezed shut and her face distorted into a grimace of terrible pain. Hushed moans escaped her lips every few seconds even though it was obvious she was trying to be quiet.

Galinda was up in a second, her drowsiness forgotten, and by her roommate's side. Sweat had collected on the green girls forehead, burning her skin, and she seemed unaware of her surroundings.

"Elphie?" Galinda questioned and the green girl's eyes slowly opened. They were dazed and unfocused with pain.

"Ga… Galinda?" she murmured, her voice a hoarse whisper as she struggled to focus around her pain.

"What's wrong?" the blonde questioned as she grabbed a cloth on the nightstand to wipe away the sweat on Elphaba's brow.

"It hurts." Elphaba moaned in pain, her back arching up as her body tried to find release for her.

Galinda took her roommate's hand in her own, unable to think of anything else that she could do to help. "Elphie, you're burning up!" Galinda exclaimed in horror as she felt the heat that radiated from the green girl.

Within a second Galinda had pulled the sweat-soaked sheets off of her roommate but gasped, let go of Elphaba's hand, and stumbled back in shock.

Blood soaked the sheets. So. Much. Blood. Galinda was unable to see anything but the sticky, red, life giving substance that was flowing freely from her roommate. "Elphie!"

The green girl turned daze, pain-filled eyes towards the blonde. "I… I didn't want… want to tell you," she managed to choke out. "I… I was… was a… ashamed."

"Ashamed of what?" Galinda asked as she took a few tentative steps closer to her roommate.

"I'm pregnant."

The two words seemed like a slap across the face to Galinda and she gasped, trying desperately to wrap her mind around what Elphaba had just said. "But… but how!" Galinda regretted the words as soon as she said them. Of course she knew how… there was only one way really.

"You've… you've been pregnant this whole time?" Galinda murmured, taking Elphaba's hand in her own again.

Elphaba opened her mouth to reply by a terrifying, heart-wrenching scream of pain and terror was ripped from her throat instead. Galinda's eyes widened in fear as she realized how much pain her roommate was in and how little she could actually do to help.

"Elphie…" Galinda whispered. "What in Oz have you done?"

"Pen… pennyroyal."

Galinda raised questioning eyebrows but didn't have the chance to ask anything more as yet another scream, this one slightly subdued, was forced from the green girl's throat.

"Elphie… I… I don't know what to do."

Elphaba moaned as she pressed hard on her abdomen in a desperate, yet useless, attempt to stifle the terrible pain she was feeling. "I… I knew it would hurt," she murmured, unaware that she was talking aloud. "Bu… but I ne… never thought it would be… be like this."

"Elphie… what are you talking about?" Galinda's voice was high and squeaky with fear and desperation. The blonde had no idea what was really going on and therefore had no clue how to help.

Elphaba opened her eyes, which had somehow squeezed shut, and distractedly stared at the ceiling. "Pe… pennyroyal is an… an herbal oil," she croaked out around her pain-filled sobs. "It in… induces miscarriages."

A small squeal escaped the blonde's mouth against her will. "You did what!" Galinda screamed, unable to keep her disgust at Elphaba's actions from her voice even though she knew that now was hardly the time to be judging the green girl.

"I… I was afraid…" Elphaba muttered, flinching slightly at her roommates reaction. "It was all… all I could think to do…"

Galinda closed her eyes and took a few calming, deep breaths. She may not agree with the green girl's course of action but that didn't mean that she should abandon her in her time of need.

"Please… promise… promise me you… you won't tell any… anyone…" Elphaba choked out.

Galinda opened her eyes to stare into the pleading brown eyes of her roommate. "Elphie… I won't tell."

"Promise… please… promise me."

"I promise," Galinda said with a small smile. The blonde gave Elphaba's hand a tight squeeze before letting go and vanishing into the bathroom. She returned mere moments later with an armful of towels and a few bottles of Elphaba's cleaning oil.

Armed with the objects and at least a basic knowledge of what was going on Galinda felt more comfortable and more in control of the situation. Her roommate needed her and though she might not know exactly what to do she had been around during enough births to have a basic idea of what to expect.

The blonde managed to pull all of Elphaba's sheets off of her bed without disturbing the struggling green girl. Galinda placed quite a few of her stack of towels on the mattress underneath Elphaba from her waist down to try and soak up some of the blood. Next she careful ripped away the blood-soaked and useless underwear and tossed it onto the pile of blood-stained bedding.

"Elphie… I'm not quite sure ho–"

Galinda's words were cut off as the loudest, blood-curdling scream was torn from Elphaba's throat. The green girl's back arched up to the point that Galinda thought it might break as blood came gushing from her.

And so did a _something _else.

Galinda frowned as she noticed the tiny, almost non-existent shape protruding from Elphaba's body. "I think, I think you need to push… just a little," Galinda instructed as she carefully wrapped her hands around the _thing_.

Elphaba pushed despite how painful it was and Galinda tugged gently. The _thing _came out with an audible suction noise and landed, quite roughly, on one of the many towels.

It was a miniature version of a baby boy. So frail and tiny. Looking as breakable as glass. It was just a tad bigger than Galinda's hand. The blonde sat on the bed, still and silent in shock, as the baby made no movement.

It was a still birth.

Galinda took the baby in her hands and, with her perfectly manicured nails, broke the umbilical cord; separating mother and child. "It's a… a boy," she whispered, the frail baby still in her hands. It's… it's over Elphie."

Elphaba gasped, pain still coursing through her body. "I… I don't think–" Her words were cut off as another fiery shot of pain coursed through her body.

Galinda squealed as blood once again began to pour from her roommate's body with furious force. Thick, dark, sticky blood that pooled on the towels and stained everything it touched. The blonde tried to push the already soaked towels against Elphaba's body but even pressure would not stop the blood.

"Elphie…" Galinda's voice was close to tears and she looked up to meet her roommate's gaze but the green girl's eyes were shut tight and her face distorted in pain. "Elphie… the bleeding won't stop!"

"It… it will," Elphaba squeaked out. "Give… give it time."

Galinda frowned at her roommate but kept the towels and pressure against the green girl's body with one hand. With the other hand she wrapped the still baby boy in a blood-stained towel and settled him on her lap. Ten minutes later, with Galinda keeping her pressure against Elphaba the whole time, the bleeding had not stopped. In fact, if anything, Galinda swore that it had increased in force.

"Elphie, I need to get someone else." Galinda's voice was high with panic and concern.

"No!" Elphaba's voice was barely above a whisper and though she tried to put force into her words she just didn't have the strength.

"It won't stop!" Galinda tried to make eye contact with her green roommate but Elphaba still had her eyes closed tight against the pain in her body.

"No… no one ca–" Elphaba's words were cut off as her back arched up in pain and she screamed so loud that Galinda actually jumped.

The green girl threw her head back as her spine arched to near the point of breaking. She jammed her right fist into her mouth and bit hard on her knuckles to stifle her screams. With her other hand she pressed as hard as she could on her abdomen which only helped to relieve the pain slightly. Her legs thrashed around to try and find a physical release for her pain which forced Galinda, still holding the dead baby, off the bed.

"Elphie!" Galinda placed the baby on her own vanity and rushed back over to her roommate's side. She grabbed a hold of the green hand pressing tightly on a swollen abdomen and squeezed. "Please, Elphie, listen to me!" Tears flowed freely from the blonde's blue eyes as she realized just how close her roommate was to death. "I need to get help!"

Elphaba no longer had the strength to reply and Galinda wasn't even sure that her words were even being heard by her roommate. The green girl's back was still arched in pain and the only thing preventing the terrifying screams was the green fist shoved into Elphaba's mouth. But even so, gurgled screams and soft whimpers of pain still managed to escape around the fist despite Elphaba's best efforts.

Galinda made a desperate decision. She let go of her roommate's hand and slowly stepped backwards from the shaking, bleeding, green form. Elphaba, no longer sensing the blonde's presence near her, managed to force her eyes open against her pain and turn her head to find her roommate. She let her fist drop from her mouth. "Ga… Galinda?" she choked out. "Ple… please… don't… Ga… Galin–"

The blonde slammed the door shut behind her in the middle of Elphaba's sentence to prevent her green roommate from somehow convincing her to not go and get the help that she so obviously needed. A scream of pain, quieter then what Galinda would've thought it would be, reached the blonde's ears from within the room. Faintly Galinda wondered if perhaps Elphaba's natural magickal talent had somehow erected a sort of sound barrier around the room to prevent the screams from waking everyone else up. Surely help would've already arrived had anyone else heard Elphaba's screams. And the screams had, Galinda believed, been loud enough wake the whole floor their dorm room was on.

And yet no one had come.

Galinda shook her head and began bolting down the hallway and stairs. She was barely aware of the fact that she was barefoot and wearing only a thin nightgown covered in blood. She pushed through the first floor door and found herself outside in the blistering cold and rain. She barely noticed the weather as she cut across the grass, ignoring the brick path, and burst through the door to the infirmity.

"Please, you have to help!" Galinda exclaimed and the one nurse on duty throughout the night visibly jumped at the sound and turned around to face the blonde.

"What's wrong?" she asked in a quiet, helpful tone.

"My friend!" Galinda grabbed the nurse's wrist and started dragging her along. "She's bleeding and it won't stop but you can't tell anyone!"

The nurse wrenched her wrist out of Galinda's hand. "You need to calm down and tell me exactly what is going on. Where is your roommate and what has happened to her?"

"She's in our room!" Galinda leveled her most frustrated and angry stare at the nurse. "She needs help! She's going to die! I tried to stop the bleeding but I couldn't!"

"Why is she bleeding?" The nurse asked gently.

"I can't tell you," Galinda wiped the tears off her face but they were quickly replaced with fresh tears. "And you can't tell anyone else! She'll be kicked out of school if Morrible finds out!"

The nurse frowned but eventually nodded, whirled on her heel, and disappeared into a back room. Galinda let out a huff of impatience and tapped her foot nervously as she waited for the nurse to return. A moment after disappearing the nurse re-entered the infirmity with a second nurse behind her. They both were carrying an armful of medical _things _that Galinda didn't care to identify.

"Hurry up!" the blonde yelled, her demeanor clearly showing her impatience. "Come on!"

Galinda turned on her heel and bolted from the infirmity. The two nurses struggled to keep up with her as she cut across the wet grass and stumbled through the door to her dormitory building. She struggled up the three flights of stairs, the nurses panting behind her, until she got to her room. The blonde pushed the door opened and froze on the spot as she was assaulted with a string of terrified screams of pain and curses that no lady, in Galinda's opinion, should ever be even uttering.

The nurses, finally catching up to the frantic blonde, were not so shocked by Elphaba's screaming as Galinda was and they quickly pushed their way through the door. They were at Elphaba's side in a second and though they both noticed the tightly wrapped baby on the vanity neither of them spoke words about it.

Galinda managed to shake herself from her shocked stupor and slowly make her way to her roommate's side. The nurses had already begun examining their new patient and the foreign people touching her caused the green girl to instinctively try to pull away and snap her eyes open.

Elphaba managed to choke back her screams for long enough to look around the room and try to figure out what was going on. "Ga… Ga…Ga…"

"Shh, don't talk Elphie," Galinda whispered as she took a green hand in her own porcelain white ones. She could feel the perspiration that coated her roommate's skin and she knew that it must be burning the green girl badly. "Look, I got some help Elphie." Galinda's voice was choked with tears. "You're… you're going to be fine."

Elphaba opened her mouth to say something but another scream was torn from her throat. She closed her eyes tightly and Galinda could see the tears that managed to squeeze their way out from underneath the black eyelashes. The blonde tentatively raised one hand, keeping her other hand tightly wrapped around Elphaba's, and gently wiped the tears away.

"It… it _hurts_." Elphaba bit her bottom lip but suddenly her back arched as the nurses inserted something cold and smooth into her. She tried to jerk away. "Don't..." she muttered. "Please… ta… take it… take it _out_!"

"What are you doing to her?" Galinda screamed; laying cold, accusing eyes on the two nurses.

"We're sorry," one of them replied. "But we need to find out why the bleeding won't stop. We need to see."

Galinda nodded but she knew that Elphaba, in her confused state, wouldn't understand why there was something inside of her. "Elphie, please, just listen to me." Galinda pushed back a lock of black hair that had plastered onto the green girl's sweaty forehead. "The nurses are here to help you, they're not going to hurt you. Just try to relax and trust them."

Elphaba nodded and made some sort of weird throaty noise that Galinda took as a desperate attempt to acknowledge the blonde's words. "You'll be fine," Galinda said, again, and the blonde wasn't sure if she was trying to comfort Elphaba or herself anymore.

"Miss Galinda," the nurse said, looking up to make eye contact with the blonde. "What exactly happened?"

The blonde frowned and her eyes darted from her roommate's pain-filled face to the nurses concerned face. "I… I promised I wouldn't say."

"Miss Galinda, if you don't tell us exactly what is going on here then we have no chance of saving your friend."

"Elphie?" Galinda turned her attention back to her roommate. "Elphie… can I tell them?"

The green girl made no acknowledgement that she had even heard Galinda and the blonde realized that her roommate was barely even consciousness anymore. Galinda knew she had to make yet another decision that normally would fall on her roommate's shoulders instead of her own.

"She was raped," Galinda muttered, keeping her eyes locked on her roommate's face instead of looking at the nurse. "And she became pregnant. No one knew. _I_ didn't even know until today. Anyways… she said something about taking a pennyweed, or poppyweed, or poppyroyal… something like that. Some sort of herbal medicine thingy that's suppose to cause miscarriages."

"Pennyroyal?" the nurse questioned.

Galinda nodded, choking back a sob of despair. "She's going to die, isn't she?"

"Now dearie," the nurse said. "There's no need to fret over such things until they happen. For now she's alive and until that changes we're going to do our best to keep her alive."

"I've found the reason," the second nurse said. "She's still with child."

"How can she be with child?" Galinda questioned, finally taking her eyes off of her roommate's face. "She already gave birth!"

"It seems that your roommate bore twins," the first nurse said before returning her focus to the task at hand. "It's not going to come out on its own, is it?" she muttered and the second nurse nodding in confirmation. "Either Miss Elphaba pushes the child out on her own or we'll have to go in there and get it."

"I don't think Elphie's in any condition to do anything," Galinda whispered as she picked up the discarded cloth from earlier, which surprisingly had escaped being soaked in blood, and gently patted the sweat off of Elphaba's face.

"As we would agree," one of the nurses replied. "Now Miss Galinda, what we're going to do is going to hurt Miss Elphaba and she might become confused and frantic in her pain. Please try to keep her calm if you can."

The nurse's words did nothing to calm Galinda down but she knew she had to be strong for her roommate now. The blonde made sure to take both of Elphaba's hands in her own and squeeze them gently. The green girl was barely on the edge of consciousness but Galinda had a feeling that what was about to happen would bring Elphaba, screaming, back to reality.

Galinda's feeling was right as whatever the nurses began to do, the blonde didn't dare to look, forced Elphaba out of her semi-consciousness with violent force. The green girl's back arched as her body tried to pull away from, what it perceived to be a threat, the two nurses and their torment. The loudest, most terrible scream was ripped from Elphaba's already torn throat and went on for what seemed like hours to Galinda but was only mere moments. The green girl only stopped screaming when she had to breathe but then another scream escaped her mouth. And another. And another.

All Galinda could do was hold tightly onto Elphaba's hands in support and keep eye contact with her tormented roommate. The green girl would never admit it but it was Galinda's presence, especially her never-faltering eye contact, that kept her from killing the two nurses and stopping their torment in its tracks.

Eventually the pain decreased and the only sounds that escaped Elphaba's throat were choked back sobs and quiet moans. The nurses finally managed to succeed in their endeavor and the second child, tinier than the first, was pulled from the exhausted green girl's body.

It cried.

Galinda jumped and finally broke her eye contact with her roommate to stare at the child, smaller than the nurses hand, that was desperately trying to live. It was, however, failing as Galinda could clearly see its body going blue as soon as the nurses cut the umbilical cord.

Elphaba managed to prop herself up on her elbows to look at the crying, struggling form of her second child. Tears ran unchecked down the green girl's face; burning already burnt and bruised skin.

"How… how?" Elphaba was at a loss for words and her still throbbing, though now subdued, pain was making it hard for her to focus and form coherent thoughts in her head.

"Her lungs aren't fully developed," the nurse holding the fragile baby explained. "She'll soon suffocate to death. There's nothing we could do to save her even if you wanted us to."

"She?" Elphaba turned questioning eyes towards her roommate as the baby's cries grew quiet and then finally stopped completely as death took the fragile child in its grasp. "But… but Ga… Galinda… didn't you say tha… that it was a… a boy?"

The blonde tore her eyes away from the now still baby girl and her eyes locked with her roommate's.

"You had twins."


	18. The Blame

_"You had twins."_

--

**Chapter Eighteen: The Blame**

They had buried the two children that very morning. Elphaba had stopped bleeding, thanks to the efforts of the nurses, but she was still terribly weak and had to lean against her blonde roommate to even stand. As a result Galinda had been the one to wash the babies, she had been the one to put them in the separate shoe boxes, she had been the one to dig the graves, and she had been the one to bury them.

By the time they had returned to their dormitory it was almost time for all the other students to be rising. Elphaba, however, had not the strength to go to school nor, it seemed, had the strength to even think. The green girl collapsed on her blood-stained bed as soon as she could.

Elphaba Thropp stared at the ceiling and pretended that she did not want to cry.

Galinda Upland sat on her bed, twirling a limp curl in her blonde hair. "What you did was a sin."

The whispered words cut through the stony silence of the dormitory. The green girl, laying unmoving on her bed, made a throaty noise that was neither a confirmation nor denial of the blonde's statement. "Bringing a child into this world would've been more of a sin," Elphaba finally muttered, her voice raspy from the pain-filled screams that had been ripped from her throat earlier.

"Children," Galinda corrected absentmindedly as she now nervously fiddled with her nightgown as she sat, cross-legged, on her pink beddings.

"I'm sorry," Elphaba whispered, her choked voice clearly indicating that she was on the verge of tears.

"For what?" Galinda looked up to her roommate but she had to quickly look away. The prone figure of the green girl struck such despair and grief into the normally bubbly blonde that she couldn't bear to look.

"For dragging you into this. This was my problem and you shouldn't have had to get involved."

"Oh, Elphie," Galinda whispered as tears traced down her pale face. "You didn't deserve this."

"Yes I did."

Galinda returned her line of vision to the prone green body across the room from her. "You can't blame yourself for what those boys did."

"I could've stopped them." Elphaba sighed. "No," she corrected herself, "I should've stopped them."

"You were drugged Elphie!" Galinda's voice was rising with anger and frustration at Elphaba's refusal to let something, anything, be someone else's fault.

"And who was stupid enough to allow themselves to get drugged?" The green girl quietly retorted, her hands balling into fists at her sides.

"Elphie…"

"It doesn't matter!" Elphaba's voice rose slightly with anger towards herself but she quickly composed her emotions. "It's over with now anyways."

Galinda nodded slightly as she wiped her tears away. "Your so strong Elphie," the blonde whispered. "I don't know how you do it."

"You shouldn't lie Galinda."

The blonde's eyes widened in confusion. "Whatever are you talking about?"

"I see the look in your eyes." Elphaba's voice was so quiet that Galinda had to lean forward and strain her ears to catch the whispered words. "You think I made the wrong decision. You think I'm a disgusting failure."

The blonde's hand flew up to cover her opened mouth in shock. "Elphie… oh, Elphie! I don't think you've failed."

"But you don't agree with what I did."

Galinda sighed. "I think… I think… I don't know what I think. What you did was wrong, your sister would surely tell you that, but I can't say that I would've done it differently."

"Please… you can't tell Nessa." Elphaba struggled to sit up but she failed and settled for propping herself up on her elbows. "She'll never let me live it down and if… if she ever told father. Dear Oz my life would be over if he ever found out!"

The tears now flowed freely from the green girl's eyes; leaving new lines of red welts down her face. Galinda sprung from her seat and was at her roommate's side in a second. "Don't worry," the blonde said as she carefully wiped Elphaba's tears away and grabbed a hold of a green hand. "Your secret is safe with me."

Elphaba sniffled and desperately tried to get control of her emotions. She was ashamed… so very, very ashamed… of what she had done and now her inability to stop sobbing was only heightening her shame. The green girl felt as if she would explode from the inside if she couldn't find a release for the emotional pain she felt but she knew there was no release. Nothing she ever did, or would do, could ever atone for this horrible sin that she had committed.

Elphaba knew, for a fact, that she would carry this pain with her for the rest of her life.

"You're going to be okay, aren't you Elphie?"

The green girl let out a heavy sigh. "Of course I will," she lied. "I always am, aren't I?"


	19. The Superficial

_The green girl let out a heavy sigh. "Of course I will," she lied. "I always am, aren't I?"_

--

**Chapter Nineteen: The Superficial **

A few hours after the morning miscarriage of Elphaba Thropp her blonde roommate stepped out of their shared dormitory and quietly locked the door. She had helped Elphaba move to the pink bed so that the already traumatized girl would not have to spend the day laying on a blood-soaked bed.

Galinda Upland had hardly made it ten steps away from her door when both Pfannee and Shenshen came rushing up to her.

"What in the world was going on in your room?" Shenshen asked as soon as she caught sight of their popular friend.

"Everyone heard the screaming," Pfannee added. "It wasn't you, was it? Are you okay?"

Galinda froze. She wasn't sure what to say. The idea that others had heard her roommate's screams had not even crossed her mind since the morning began. "It was nothing, really," Galinda finally squeezed out of her constricted throat. "Elphaba just wasn't feeling well."

"The green artichoke?" Shenshen questioned. "It sounded like someone was dying or something. It was horrible!"

"Morrible herself was a moment away from going up to your room to figure out what was happening but it quieted down soon after so she decided that you two must've dealt with it on your own." Pfannee said in one breathless whisper. "We thought that the green girl might be murdering you or something awful like that!"

_Yet you did nothing to try and help me even though you thought I was in danger, _Galinda thought to herself with a sad sort of amusement. Out loud she chose to put on her fake smile and do what everyone expected her to do, make fun of her green-skinned roommate.

"It's not the first time she's gotten like this," Galinda lied. "She has moods like these all the time. This one, for some reason, was really bad. I barely got any sleep!"

"Oh, you poor girl," Pfannee sympathized. "I don't know how you can stand it!"

"That roommate of yours is a freak! Even though you've tried to help her she just can't seem to be normal, can she?" Shenshen put in, unable to stand Pfannee having the last word.

Galinda nodded and replied, somewhat absentmindedly with; "Pitiful girl, isn't she?"

The two superficial friends nodded in agreement as they walked on either side of Galinda. Neither one of them knew the true reason for the green girl's terrifying night and Galinda wasn't sure that either of them would really care, or feel any sort of sympathy, if they did know.

If Galinda herself felt so alone with the heavy secret on her conscious she couldn't even begin to imagine how her green roommate was feeling cooped up, alone, in their cramped dormitory.

--

_**Author's Note:** Sorry for the delay in updating but I was out of town for the last few days. This chapter is the beginning of a serious of chapters that I'm not particularly satisfied with (and were hard to write but necessary to progress the story). So I apologize for my below average writing for the next few chapters._


	20. The Vast Difference

_If Galinda herself felt so alone with the heavy secret on her conscious she couldn't even begin to imagine how her green roommate was feeling cooped up, alone, in their cramped dormitory. _

--

**Chapter Twenty: The Vast Difference**

Galinda Upland slowly unlocked the door to her shared dorm room only to find herself frozen in shock at the sight before her. Elphaba sat on Galinda's bed, huddled in the corner between walls, as Madame Morrible herself stood in the middle of the room. The green girl clutched Galinda's pink bed sheets tightly around her shivering form as Morrible all but screamed at her.

"Wha… what is going on here?" Galinda questioned as she slowly shut the door behind her.

Madame Morrible whirled around to lay flashing, angry eyes on the blonde. "Miss Galinda, I'll have you know," she said, "that withholding vital information from the school administration is grounds for suspension."

"Vital information?" Galinda questioned even though she had a feeling that she knew exactly what Morrible was speaking of.

"The rape and resulting pregnancy of Elphaba Thropp," Morrible spat out. "Along with this little morning abortion that you involved the nurses in. Do you understand the ramifications that could come from this?"

Galinda shook her head ever-so-slightly as she found herself unable to speak.

"You promised you wouldn't tell!" Elphaba hissed at Galinda, her throat still torn and her voice raw. "You _promised_!"

"Oh, _shut-up_ Elphaba!" Madame Morrible turned around, returning her attention to the huddled green girl. "You could've died! Now how, in Oz, would I have explained _that_ happening in Shiz?"

"I'm fine now so I don't see what the problem is," Elphaba whispered as she seemed to shrink further into the safety of the corner.

"You're _not _fine but that's besides the point." The Headmistress sighed in frustration, trying to keep eye contact with the distressed green girl, and said: "I'm going to have to tell your father."

Elphaba visibly paled, clutched Galinda's beddings tighter, and shook her head slowly. "Please… please… you can't tell him."

"As Headmistress to Shiz University, and in extension the legally guardian to all the children here, I'm afraid I cannot withhold this information from your father. He has a right to know what his daughter has involved herself in."

"Did you think I _asked_ for this?" Elphaba's eyes became glassy and unfocused as new tears pooled in her brown eyes. "Because I didn't!"

"Miss Elphaba, I'm very much aware of that fact but that doesn't change what I must do. I did not make the rules, I simply enforce them."

"Madame Morrible." Galinda's voice was quiet and squeaky as she spoke. "I think you should let Elphaba rest instead of getting her all worked up like this."

Morrible frowned, sighed again, and eventually nodded before spinning on her heels and quickly striding from the room; closing the door with excessive force.

Galinda disappeared into the bathroom for a few moments before reappearing with a small cloth in her hand. She carefully sat herself down on the edge of her bed and handed the cloth to her roommate. Elphaba took it with a small smile and carefully dabbed her eyes before the tears had a chance to spill down her face and burn her.

"Maybe you should tell your sister before Morrible tells your father," Galinda whispered.

Elphaba's eyes widened in shock. "Tell my sister? Are you _insane_?"

Galinda dropped her eyes to stare at her hands as they twisted the folds of her dress. "I just thought that maybe… well… maybe it would be better if she heard it from you and not your father."

"I'm not telling her."

"Why?" Galinda shot her head up to look at her green roommate. "Do you really think your father won't tell her? Do you really think she's going to stay blissfully ignorant for the rest of her life?"

"I can wish that she will," Elphaba whispered, placing the cloth neatly on Galinda's vanity.

"Just like you can wish that you never really killed two children this morning… that it was all one big nightmare. Right?" Galinda's voice had risen in anger. "You can't keep denying all this happened! You can't keep brushing it off like it was nothing! This has to be hurting you!"

Elphaba turned away from the blonde and stared at the cloth folded so neatly upon the vanity. "We are vastly different Miss Galinda," Elphaba whispered, tears on the very edge of her voice. "You wear your emotions on your sleeve while I have only ever known how to lock mine away."


	21. Of Frex, Of Family, Of Disappointment

"_We are vastly different Miss Galinda," Elphaba whispered, tears on the very edge of her voice. "You wear your emotions on your sleeve while I have only ever known how to lock mine away."_

--

**Chapter Twenty-One: Of Frex, Of Family, Of Disappointment **

"Sir, I must protest this!"

Doctor Dillamond paused in his speech and cocked his head slightly at the voice of Madame Morrible outside his classroom. The professor was just about to order a student to go discover what the disruption was all about when the door slammed open. Every student in the room whirled in their seats to see who dared to interrupt the Goat's lecture.

"Sir, this would be best dealt with in private!" Morrible all but screeched as she followed behind the man who had slammed the door open. However, the intruder made no sign that he had even heard the Headmistress as he paused and quickly scanned the classroom.

Finding the person he came to talk to he stormed through the rows of desks and cruelly grabbed hold of a green wrist; yanking the young woman out of the desk.

"What are you doing?" Elphaba quietly hissed.

"Removing you from this school!" The intruder shouted, his face red with anger.

"Sir, the other children don't know what happen," Morrible tried to explain. "Please don't make a scene, for Miss Elphaba's sake."

"For _Elphaba's _sake?" he screamed. "She is a twisted human being! A disgrace! She gets no say in her life anymore!"

"Father, let go of me!" Elphaba hissed as Frex dragged her through the aisle.

"I'm taking you home and ridding you of that devil inside of you!"

Elphaba tore her wrist out of her father's grip. "I don't have a devil inside of me!" she screamed, losing her control. "And I'm not going anywhere!"

Frex whirled around to face his first-born daughter. "I let you come here to take care of Nessa and you repay me by running around having sex, getting pregnant, and then having a… an _abortion_!"

Galinda suddenly stood up, knocking her desk slightly, and screamed; "She was raped! As her father you should have some sympathy for her!"

Frex laughed. "Raped? Who in their right mind would _want_ to have sex with you, you're green! A freak! Obviously you witched them somehow."

"Father… please…"

"Abortion is murder," he said. "Abortion is sin. You're a devil's child through and through. I should've killed you from the moment you were born."

"I am not a devil's child! And it was a miscarriage!"

"A miscarriage?" Frex laughed. "A self-induced miscarriage maybe… nothing more than an abortion!"

"You were pregnant?" One of the students whispered, her eyes wide in horror.

"You killed your own child?" Another student, one who didn't quite understand the concept of miscarriages or abortions, asked.

"It's not what you think!" Elphaba exclaimed; turning her attention away from her father and towards the students as she uselessly tried to do damage control on her already pitiful reputation.

"You're… you're a murderer." A third student muttered. "A freak and… and a murderer!"

"Indeed she is," Frex agreed and Elphaba whirled around to face her father.

"I'm not a freak! And I'm not a murderer!"

The backhand sent Elphaba sprawling to her hands and knees and a collective gasp escaped from the classroom. None of the students had ever been, or seen someone been, struck so forcefully by their own parent. For the first time some of students managed to get it through their thick sculls how hated Elphaba was by her own father.

"Elphie!" Galinda made to move towards her friend's side but Fiyero quickly grabbed her arm and stopped her.

"Stay out of family issues!" he hissed into her ear. "Especially there's!"

Galinda frowned and had no intentions of listening to Fiyero but his grip on her arm was too strong and she found herself unable to break free to help her friend. She was forced, against her will, to stand back and watch her green roommate being humiliated by her own father in front of her peers.

The blonde felt sick.

Elphaba blinked back the tears that threatened to spill from her eyes. Never had her father struck her in public before. She bit her bottom lip; trying to ignore the stinging in her cheek. She could feel the blood trickle down her cheek from a long, but shallow, cut that one of Frex's rings must have made. Blood also dribbled from her bottom lip where a second ring, or possibly the same one, must've caught and ripped skin.

A hand grabbed Elphaba's arm and hauled the shaken green girl to her feet. Elphaba tried to pull away from her father's grasp but found herself far too weak from the ordeal she had forced her body to endure not more than a few days ago. Frex, blinded by his anger and his shame, dragged his daughter to the nearest wall and pinned her by the neck with his arm; her feet dangling a foot from the floor.

"You listen to me child," Frex said, his voice low and angry. "I have half-a-mind to beat the devil out of you right now, right here. And one more word from your mouth and I just might!"

Elphaba's eyes were wide as she desperately tried to claw at her father's arm so that she could escape and _breathe_ again. Strangled gasps came from her mouth as her green skin began to take on a strange blue hue from the lack of oxygen. "Fa… father…" she gasped out. "I… ca… can't _breathe_!"

"Maybe I'll just strangle the devil out of you!"

"Sir." Madame Morrible's voice was quiet as she cautiously approached the angry father. "Please… let Miss Elphaba down."

Frex, finally snapping out of his rage, quickly dropped his arm to his side and Elphaba fell into a crumpled heap on the ground. The green girl laid there for a few moments, gasping for breath, until she managed to gather enough oxygen into her lungs to calm her racing heart and bring her back from the edge of unconsciousness. Slowly she stood up; swaying slightly as her body still tried to recover from the severe lack of oxygen.

Cold, brown eyes stared into her father's blue eyes and she could feel her cheeks getting hotter, becoming a slightly darker shade, with embarrassment as she realized that everyone in the class had seen what had just occurred.

"Come on, Elphaba," Frex angrily whispered as he made to grab his daughter's wrist.

"Don't touch me!" Elphaba hissed, stepping backwards and away from her father. She quickly regained her composure and strode from the classroom; slamming the door behind her.

Frex stood still in shock for a few moments before he too strode from the room and slammed the door behind him. The occupants of the classroom could hear muffled screams of anger and demanding obedience coming from Frex towards his green daughter for a few more moments before the pair fell out of hearing range.

Madame Morrible, Doctor Dillamond, and the students all stayed frozen in shock until the Goat finally managed to find his voice and dismiss class. Galinda Upland was the first to regain her true composure as she bolted from the classroom in search of her friend.


	22. Of Diplomacy And The Past

_Galinda Upland was the first to regain her true composure as she bolted from the classroom in search of her friend._

--

**Chapter Twenty-Two: Of Diplomacy and The Past**

The blonde found her green roommate in their room, angrily throwing clothes haphazardly into her suitcase. "Elphie, what are you doing?"

"I'm packing."

"But why?"

"Did you not hear?" Elphaba asked curtly. "My father is taking me home to _beat the devil _out of me."

The blonde gasped, tears springing to her eyes. "He can't do that, can he?"

"It appears he can."

"He would never _actually_ beat you though, would he?" Galinda asked, fearful of the answer her roommate would supply.

"You're more sheltered than I originally thought."

The blonde gasped, again, and this time the tears fell unchecked from her eyes. "He _hits _you?" Her voice was barely above a whisper. "He _really_ hits you?"

Elphaba whirled around to face her roommate. "What do you want me to say?" she screamed. "I'm trying to be diplomatic about this! But do you want me to just say 'yes'? Because _yes_, he does hit me! He always has and he probably always will! He hates me! He… he hates me." Elphaba's voice trailed off as she plopped herself down on the floor, her back resting against the flimsy wood wall.

The green girl folded her legs into her chest, hugged them, and dropped her forehead to rest against her knees. In her position she was effectively hiding her face from her blonde roommate but the subtle shaking of her shoulders clearly told Galinda that the green girl was crying.

"Elphie…"

"Galinda, please…" Elphaba, though she was desperately trying to be strong, could not hide the shaking from her voice. "There's nothing you can do… not this time."

The blonde sat herself down beside her roommate. "I can't do anything to keep you here at Shiz but I can keep you from feeling so alone."

"I don't feel alone."

"Keep telling yourself that Elphie… hopefully one day it will come true."


	23. Of Fathers And Beatings

**_Author's Warning: _**_Abuse  
_

--

_"Keep telling yourself that Elphie… hopefully one day it will come true."_

--

**Chapter Twenty-Three: Of Fathers and Beatings**

The belt bit soft skin with a harshness that the young woman had never before experienced. It reached forward, crossing her back, reaching over her shoulder, stinging wickedly, biting evilly, drawing blood, then was dragged slowly away before being brought down again. She hissed in pain. Teeth cutting her bottom lip as she desperately tried to stifle her cries. She knew any sound, any whimper of emotion, would only bring the belt down with more fury and anger.

Somewhere along the way her tormentor had flipped the belt around so that the belt buckle, with its gleaming metal edges, bruised and tore her skin. Purple-black bruises formed on top of purple-black bruises and each strike of the belt hurt more than the previous. Her body buckled under the cruel force of each bite of the belt and she shuddered with the effort of suppressing the retching sobs she so desperately wished to utter.

She found it ironic that this beating, this _demolishing_ of her soul, was occurring in none-other then an empty classroom at Shiz University. In a place that had once brought her so much hope.

The lights were bright, the blood ran fast, and the belt cracked loudly as it broke skin. She stifled a particularly stubborn cry and her hands balled into fists on the tile floor. She couldn't remember when she had fallen to her hands and knees but at some point she had. In a different time the weak action would've disgusted her but now she found herself beyond caring.

A beating will do that to a person.

A rumbling of feet upon tiled floor could be heard just beyond the walls of the classroom, a scattering of voices soon joined the flood of noise, and finally the door was thrust open. For the briefest of moments the room became brighter before a long shadow was cast as the students blocked the light from the hallways outside. An eerie silence fell upon the throng of young adults as they stared at the scene before them in what was suppose to be an empty classroom.

The man, the tormentor, stood frozen in shock. The belt, stained red from blood, was lifeless in his now limp hand. His eyes widened in shock for just a few moments before a group of boys, the stronger ones, were upon him. He was dragged away from the shivering, shaking, bruised and bloody form on the ground and the belt was wrestled from his grasp.

He didn't struggle; only uttered a few words. "Beat the devil out of her."

Some of the other students, people the woman upon the floor didn't bother to identify, kneeled down beside her. They tried to talk to her, tried to help her, but she kept her mouth clamped shut. One laid a hand on her shoulder but she shrunk away from the touch. Something was placed around her shoulders, a coat perhaps, as someone seemed to notice that her top had long ago been torn apart by the cruel bite of the belt.

"Elphaba?"

The woman on the floor, bleeding freely from the criss-crossing wounds on her back, snapped her head up. Black hair, partly stained red from her own blood, framed her oddly pale face. Brown eyes met brown eyes and the two sisters simply stared at each other.

"Why?" The one in the chair questioned. She seemed to have no care for _what_ had occurred or by _whom_ it had occurred but only _why_ it had occurred.

"Father couldn't wait to get home to _beat the devil_ out of me," Elphaba hissed out between grinding teeth. "He just _had_ to do it _right_ _now_."

"Why?" The one in the chair questioned again. "Why?"

"I had an abortion." The words tumbled out of the green girl's mouth before she thought to stop them. Tears choked her voice as the memory of what had happened, the sin _she_ had committed, came rushing back to her.

"You what!"

"Nessa, please…" Elphaba winced at the tone of her sister's voice. "Please… just listen to me. I… I can–"

"You can _what_?" Nessarose's voice was loud with anger and shame. "You can _explain_?"

"Nessa…" Elphaba tried to stand but the loss of blood made her woozy and she had little strength left. She relented to her body's commands and stayed, safe, on her hands and knees.

"Let her be," a male voice, an oddly recognizable voice, spoke up. The owner of the voice kneeled down beside Elphaba. "I guess I'll have to buy a new coat now."

"What?" The green girl asked, her face twisted in confusion.

"Well, your blood's kind of stained it now and I don't think it's going to come out."

"Oh, Fiyero, I'm so sorry!" Elphaba exclaimed. "You shouldn't have–"

"Don't worry about it," he interrupted. "I'm a prince, I can afford a new coat."

"Excuse me but we should get back to the topic of _my sister's abortion_!" Nessa hissed, wheeling herself closer to Elphaba.

"Nessa…" The soft voice shocked everyone as Galinda Upland seemingly appeared from thin air. "Now is not the right time to argue with your sister."

"And why not?" Nessa whirled around as fast as she could in her wheelchair to face the blonde. "And if not now then when!"

"Biq… please, could you remove Nessa from the room?" Galinda asked kindly, flashing the Munchkin her signature smile.

Boq, who had long ago given up on correcting the blonde's mispronunciation of his name, quickly did what Galinda asked. He was, quite obviously, still deeply in love with the blonde even though it was quite clear that she had no intention of returning his affection.

"Boq, what in Oz are you doing?" Nessa screamed, her face red with anger, as the Munchkin began to push the wheelchair out of the room. The handicapped Thropp twisted her body in her chair to lay cold, hard eyes on her green sister. "You can't hide from this! You can't hide from me!"

Elphaba, her eyes wet and glistening with unshed tears, managed to push herself up into a standing position with Fiyero holding her arm gently for support. "Nessa, please!"

The youngest Thropp glared at her sister before turning back around and resting against the back of her chair.

"Nessarose!" Elphaba shouted, her despair and regret tingeing every syllable of her sister's full name. She took a few shaking steps forward. "Nessa! Please… just listen to me… Nessa!"

The door gently shut behind Nessarose and Boq and Elphaba slumped slightly into the comforting and supporting arms of Fiyero. "Nessa…"

"Look, Elphaba–"

"Sweet Oz!" the green girl interrupted Fiyero as she all but jumped from his arms and whirled around to face him. Her face darkened slightly in embarrassment before her current lack of blood supply caused her to pale dangerously, sway on her feet, and then collapse into a heap of unconsciousness on the floor.

Within a few moments Fiyero had the unconscious green girl in her arms and he carried her, with Galinda right beside him, all the way to her room and laid her gently on her bed.

She didn't wake for nearly three days.


	24. The Gift

_She didn't wake for nearly three days._

--

**Chapter Twenty-Four: The Gift **

Elphaba stood, shocked, at the train station. Her eyes wide in surprise and her mouth slightly open. A glimmer of hope shined in eyes that just moments ago had held resigned failure and shame.

A woman. A short, blonde-haired, blue-eyed woman with a high, bubbly voice held lightly onto the hand of a tall, brown-haired man.

A tall, brown-haired man who had just informed the very Headmistress that Elphaba had come to hate that he would be paying for her tuition.

Her tuition.

The verbal altercation that occurred next, between her father and the Headmistress, was of no importance to the green girl. The motions around her seemed to be happening at slow motion and sound had all but fled her senses. Slowly she turned around to be met with the sight of a young blonde smiling ear to ear.

"Ga… Galinda?" Elphaba whispered, shock causing her voice to shake slightly. "I'm not going home? You… you did this for me?"

The blonde nodded, her grin seemingly growing even more. "I knew my parents had a little extra money so I wrote them a little favour. They were happy to comply."

"I'm… I'm not going home? And… and your parents actually paid for me?"

Galinda laughed. "Of course they did. Do you think they would let a young woman like you be forced to go home with a father like him? They're above such disrespect and distreatment of others… especially my friends."

"But… but they… they paid for me?" Elphaba's voice was constricted in her throat and came out as a hoarse whisper. "I… I don't… don't have to… to go home?"

"You silly goose." Galinda chuckled. "Stop asking that. You're staying!"

"I… I can't let you do this." Tears sprung to the green girl's eyes as she realized that there was no way she could pay Galinda, or Galinda's parents, back for this act of kindness and therefore there was no way she could accept such a gift.

"It's my choice… my family's choice." Galinda crossed the few steps to be directly in front of her friend. "Not yours."

"I can't pay you back." Elphaba could feel the despair rising in her again. Growing from the very pit of her stomach. "I can't take this gift… I have nothing even close enough to repay you."

"Elphie…" Galinda's voice dropped to a quieter tone, a soothing tone. "But this is what you just said it was… a _gift_. You don't need to repay someone for a gift."

"I can't let your parents do this. This isn't my money to spend on what I wish." Elphaba began blinking rapidly, something Galinda had come to learn meant she was near tears. "This is money for your family… for you!"

Galinda sighed. "You've always had to take care of yourself. For this one time, just this once, let someone else take care of you."

Elphaba shook her head and took a step back. "I'm not your parents' responsibility. I'm not their child!"

"But you _are _a child!" Galinda stepped forward, closing the previous gap that Elphaba had just made between the two of them. "And you need someone to take care of you! You're _father _isn't going to step up to the plate so someone else has to!" Tears now flowed freely from the blonde's eyes. "Why can't you just stop being strong! Why can't you just let someone else be strong for you!"

Elphaba turned her head; breaking eye contact with Galinda and staring at a knot in one of the wooden planks of the train station's platform. "Please don't yell," she whispered. "I didn't mean to make you angry."

Galinda took a deep breath. "I'm not angry Elphie. I'm… I'm just frustrated."

"You don't understand."

"You're right… I don't." Galinda grabbed hold of a green hand and squeezed it gently. "But I want to. I _want_ to try and understand. You just have to let me."

"It's not that easy." Elphaba turned tear-filled eyes towards her roommate but quickly looked away again.

"I know… I know it's hard for you Elphie. I know a lot has happened to you that hurts. But it won't stop hurting until you deal with it."

"You can't kiss it all better. You can't make it all go away just because you want to." Elphaba's voice was bitter, angry, and a tad regretful.

"But I can't help you if your not here. And I can't let you go back to your father. I can't let him hurt you more than you're already hurting. Being with him will only make it worse… you must know that?"

Elphaba nodded, dabbing at her eyes with the back of her sleeve. "I'm just… I'm just not –"

"You're not used to someone caring," Galinda interrupted quietly. "And that's not right."

A hand suddenly grabbed a hold of Elphaba's shoulder and wrenched the green girl out of Galinda's grasp. The intruder pushed Elphaba out of his way and rounded on the now petrified blonde girl.

"You know nothing of what you speak!" he screamed, his face mere inches away from Galinda's face. "I raised my freak of a daughter the same way anyone else would!"

"Father! Get away from her!" A green hand clasped on to Frex's arm and Elphaba tried to pull him away but he simply shoved her off. She sprawled on to the ground as her body, still weak from all that had happened in the last few days, had not the strength to fight to stay standing against her father's force.

"She's… she's not a freak!" Galinda's voice was squeaky with fear as Frex stood close enough to her that she could feel his angry, ragged breathing against her face.

"Leave my daughter alone!"

Frex spun around to face Galinda's father. Their eyes met. A father angry that someone should speak to his daughter so and a father angry that his daughter had managed to wriggle a way out of his grasp.

"Since you're so willing to spend money on dear Elphaba here," Frex spat out as he pointed to his daughter sprawled on the ground. "You can _have_ her when school's out. She's no longer welcomed at my home!"

"Father!" Elphaba struggled up in to a standing position. "You can't just disown me! I'm your daughter!"

Frex turned on Elphaba and grabbed her arm. "Don't call me your father! You're nothing to me! You're not my daughter! You're… you're just a… a _thing_!"

One final shove and Elphaba was, once again, on the ground. She stared, wide-eyed as her father turned away and walked over to the train. Tears glistened in her eyes as she watched her sister, who had ignored her for days, hug her father goodbye. Without a single glance back he boarded the train and then a few moments later the train was gone.

"Elphie…" Galinda slowly walked over to her roommate and kneeled down beside her.

The green girl sat, unmoving, on the ground and watched the train until it finally turned a corner and disappeared from sight. She sighed and let her eyes drop to stare at her lap.

"Elphie?" Galinda whispered.

The green girl brushed lightly at her eyes. "I should have gone home with him."

"Elphie!" Galinda frowned, taking a green hand in her own. "You know that's not a right thing to say."

"I deserved it."

"Elphie!" Galinda's voice was high and her words short with shock. "Don't you dare say that!"

"It's true Galinda… after what I've done it's nothing but true."

"You can't keep saying that! The more you say it the more you're going to believe it and it's just not true!"

"Galinda, please…" Elphaba's voice trailed off as she found herself unable to force the words she wanted to say out of her constricted throat.

"Miss Elphaba Thropp you have to lis–"

"I'm weak." The whispered words interrupted the blonde and cut through the air. Elphaba's shoulders shook from the force of her suppressed sobs.

A pale hand laid against a green cheek and forced Elphaba's head to turn. Brown eyes met blue eyes.

"You're _not _weak."


	25. The Dinner

"_You're_ not _weak."_

--

**Chapter Twenty-Five: The Dinner **

"What happened?"

Galinda frowned and looked up from her plate. The restaurant her parents had taken her to dinner was too stuffy, too high-end for her taste and she felt slightly uncomfortable.

"Whatever are you talking about?" Galinda asked in response to her mother's question.

"What happened to cause that man to disown his own daughter like that?" she asked simply, taking a sip of her wine.

"It's very personal. I don't think Elphaba would want me to say."

Galinda's mother chuckled slight. "Dear, we 'paid' for her tuition I think we deserve to know."

"Mother, that wasn't your money so you can't guilt me with it."

"I still don't see why you can't just tell her that you and Fiyero paid for her," Galinda's father spoke up. "What's the issue with that?"

Galinda sighed. "She would've never taken the money from us. We're her peers. She'd feel like she was cheating us of our future or something like that. She's much too stubborn and much too concerned about everyone else to ever take mine, or Fiyero's, money."

"She's also not an idiot," Galinda's mother pointed out. "She'll probably find out the truth eventually."

"I wouldn't count on that," the father said. "She's book smart, or so Galinda has said, and she's very strong of character to have lived with that father of hers but I don't think she's that entirely smart when it comes to people and relationships."

"Of course she isn't," the mother replied. "From what I've seen, and what Galinda has said, she was treated more as a servant – a caretaker to that pretty little sister of hers. She probably never had much experience with anyone besides her family until she came here."

"Well, that and she _is_ green too," the father said before focusing his attention on his daughter again. "You never mentioned that little fact there dear."

"It's not important," Galinda muttered, playing with the food on her plate.

"I wouldn't be so sure of that," the mother said, taking another sip of her wine. "The world is superficial out there."

"I think she's going to be a big part of some sort of change in this world," Galinda said. "She has that will, that strength. People will know her name. Everyone will."

"That's a good point there dear," the father said as he pointed his fork at his daughter. "She does have some character in her. That's what you need to get."

"Don't be saying that," the mother spoke up. "Our daughter is going to grow up to be a proper young lady… not some gallivanting green girl off to change to world _for the better _or some crap like that."

"Mother! That's not a very nice thing to say."

"Oh, you know how much I was against this whole school thing. A young woman doesn't need an education." It was now Galinda's mother's turn to point her fork at her daughter. "A young woman should be out trying to find a man of proper status to take care of her. A young woman should be preparing herself for marriage and motherhood. Not out _learning_ in a school about frivolous things that she will never think of again."

"Mother, please… not here." Galinda frowned. "Not in public like this."

"I was afraid of this you know," the mother said to Galinda's father. "Afraid of our daughter getting caught-up in some silly idea of revolution! Or some vision of grandeur! I don't like that Elphaba character she's hanging about with. She's going to lead our daughter down some silly path not becoming of a young lady!"

"That Elphaba girl will teach our daughter some character," the father calmly replied. "I think she's good for Galinda."

"Well I disagree." The mother took yet another sip of her wine and then turned her attention back to her daughter. "I forbid you to associate with that green girl! She's going to corrupt you!"

"Mother!" Galinda's voice revealed her anger. "You cannot control who is and who is not my friend anymore!"

"She's right," the father said. "You can't control her anymore. She's no longer under your care constantly."

"Well, then maybe we should be taking her out of the school!" the mother screeched, her voice loud due to the large amount of alcohol she had consumed. "I'm not going to allow my daughter to be corrupted by some head-strong green girl!"

"Well, _mother_." Galinda stood up from the table in anger. "It's not very becoming for a young lady such as yourself to drink as much as you do on such a regular basis. At least I will do something more with my life then just be an alcoholic home-keeper!"

"Galinda!" the father stood up and lightly grabbed a hold of his daughter's wrist. "Now both of you, calm down. We don't need any heated arguments after today. Miss Elphaba's father did enough yelling for all of us so let's just calm down and have a nice, family dinner together."

Galinda shook her head. "I'm sorry father but I really should get going. I need to make sure Elphaba's doing okay."

"I understand," the father said, a small smile gracing his face. "It was nice to see you again."

"The same for me. And thank you for coming with the money, even though it wasn't yours. I know it was a long trip to help someone you don't even know but you don't know how much Elphaba appreciates it. She would've liked to meet you but, well, it just hasn't been going well for her lately."

"Don't worry about it, you go see your friend. I'll take care of mother."

Galinda smiled and threw her arms around her father's neck in a tight embrace. "After… after seeing the way Miss Elphaba's father was…" the young blonde whispered into her father's ear. "I just… well… thank you. Thank you for… for everything."

"Don't dear… don't go getting into one of your little phases. Go be with your friend, she needs you right now."

Galinda pulled away from her father and nodded, wiping away the few tears that had managed to sneak from her eyes. "I'll do you proud dad. Elphie will make sure of that."

Her father nodded and just smiled. "Go be with your friend. Go hug someone who really needs it."


	26. The Apple Tree

_Her father nodded and just smiled. "Go be with your friend. Go hug someone who really needs it."_

--

**Chapter Twenty-Six: The Apple Tree**

The moon cast an eerie glow on the small garden behind the cafeteria kitchen of Shiz University. A lone girl sat, cross-legged, underneath the single apple tree. Her hood was pulled over her head, her hair tucked neatly underneath her coat, and her hands laid lifelessly on her lap. Her head was bowed and her lips moved quickly; forming silent words sent on a breathless wind to an Unnamed God she didn't even believe in.

She was praying for forgiveness.

If her father could see her, if her sister could see her, they would be proud. Her prayer would have been a sign of her redemption to them. But they didn't see her, no one did.

She sat alone.

Her hand twitched on her lap and she frowned, slowly lifting her head to stare at the base of the apple tree's trunk. Tears flowed from her eyes; leaving trails of red welts in their wake. She had not the strength, nor the heart, to wipe her tears away.

Two small mounds of dirt protruded, side by side, out of the ground near the base of the tree. A yellow rose laid, diagonally, on each mound. A present the girl – the young woman – had placed there.

Her hand slowly moved to her pocket. She fingered the small bottle that sat there. A bottle half-full of a poison that had lead her to where she was now. She stared at it, twirling it between her fingers. It was tiny.

She wondered how something so small could cause so much pain.

She unscrewed the lid, letting it fall and disappear into the long grass. She tipped the bottle slightly and the poison it held poured on to the ground. She watched as the dry dirt soaked it up with greed.

She vaguely wondered it if would kill the grass.

A sharp motion sent the now empty bottle flying. It hit the tree trunk and shattered in to multiple pieces of shared glass that flew every which way. One piece reflected directly backwards and struck the young woman in the face. It left a small, straight cut across her cheek.

She didn't even notice.

"Elphie?"

The woman on the ground jerked slightly at the sound in surprise and then turned her head away. She didn't acknowledge the newcomer and blanetly ignored her as she sat down.

"Elphie?"

"Go away." The words were a mere whisper, barely audible above the wind that swirled around them.

A pale hand reached out and grabbed hold of a green hand laying on the young woman's lap. She looked up at the touch and brown, grief-filled eyes met blue ones.

"Galinda… please…" Elphaba was barely able to speak around the lump in her throat. "Please... leave me alone."

Galinda shook her head. Blonde curls bouncy about her face. "It's not your fault," she whispered.

Elphaba turned her head away, staring at a small branch nestled in the long grass. "How can you say that?" she muttered. "I killed them."

"You did what you thought was right."

Elphaba shook her head. "I did what I did out of fear, nothing more."

"Be that as it may you can't change the past."

"I'm a murderer."

Galinda sighed. "You're not Elphie," she whispered. "You're not a murderer, you're not even a bad person. You're the nicest person, the nicest friend, I've ever met."

"The world doesn't agree with you."

"The world is superficial and that's below you."

"I'm nothing. A nobody. A useless freak!"

Galinda squeezed Elphaba's hand in her own and then placed her free hand on the green girl's cheek. She turned Elphaba's head to face her and their eyes met. "That's your father speaking," she said. "Not the truth."

"You lie."

Galinda frowned. "I do no such thing."

"I'm a murderer!"

Galinda closed her eyes to still her own tears. "Whether your decision was a mistake or not is no longer the point Elphie. They're gone. You're children are dead. I know it hurts, how can it not? But what's done is done. What you did doesn't make you a murderer. You were terrified and for Oz's sake you're still a child yourself! We… we all are."

Elphaba grabbed hold of Galinda's hand on her cheek and pushed it away. "They didn't deserve to die. Their conception wasn't their fault. It was not my right to take their lives away before they were even born!"

Galinda opened her eyes to be met with the sight of a distraught Elphaba before her. Tears streaked down the green skin unchecked and unnoticed. The blonde smiled sadly and slowly stood up. "Come on Elphie… let's go to bed."

The green girl nodded and stood up. Galinda still held her hand and tried to led Elphaba away but the distressed green girl seemed impossible to move. Galinda turned back to find what was wrong to see that Elphaba seemed transfixed on the two small mounds of dirt, the two graves, underneath the apple tree. An apple, not completely matured, had fallen from the tree and landed directly in the middle of the two graves. It's green skin was dotted with freckles of red.

"Elphie?" the blonde questioned, concern lacing her voice. "Elphaba?"

Elphaba turned to face the blonde, her green hand still within Galinda's pale grasp, and suddenly collapsed to her knees. Her hand slipped from Galinda's and she seemed to fold in on herself as suppressed sobs wracked her body. Galinda was there in a second, kneeling before her friend and laying a comforting hand on her shoulder for silent support. However, the blonde soon found that such minimal support was not enough for the now hysterical Elphaba.

So she hugged her.

Elphaba stiffened immediately at the contact but eventually relaxed in to Galinda's lithe frame. The blonde was soon supporting all of Elphaba's body weight as the green girl, for the first time in her life, found herself comfortable enough with another human being to truly let herself _feel_.

Elphaba Thropp was finally letting her grief out.


	27. The Library

_Elphaba Thropp was finally letting her grief out._

--

**Chapter Twenty-Seven: The Library**

Elphaba Thropp stared out the window. The weather outside was nice. The warm sun shined down and she could see the cool breeze tussling the trees' leaves and the long grass.

But the green girl could not find it in herself to leave the safety of the library. She sat in the chair she had claimed the very first day of arrival. It was an old leather chair… it's colour a faded brown, almost tan now. It wasn't particularly comfortable which had been one of the reasons that Elphaba had chosen it. It sat empty at all times unless the green girl was in the library. No one else would go near it.

It sat at the far corner of the library. Shoved behind the bin of old, useless books that were barely ever read. Elphaba had moved it closer to the window and after the first few days of University the librarian had placed a small table by the chair for the green girl. And as a result the oldest Thropp had wordlessly bought a small box of chocolates and left them on the librarians desk in thanks.

It had been the first time, in a long time, that anyone had done anything nice for the green girl.

Elphaba sighed. Her elbow rest on the windowsill and her chin was perched on her hand. She watched in silence as a small group of people sat outside on a large blanket eating a picnic lunch. Her other hand, the one not holding her chin, was absentmindedly flipping the pages of her school book that sat on the table near her. She had come here to study, to try and catch up on the school work that she had fallen behind in, but she found herself unable to focus.

It was a problem that was becoming increasingly frequent for the green girl.

Elphaba watched as her sister was helped out of her wheelchair and placed on the blanket with everyone else. Her stomach twisted in on itself as a pang of jealousy went through her. She still felt it was her responsibility, and hers alone, to help her sister. She had done it all her life and now… now it was unnecessary. Now other people would offer the youngest Thropp their assistance and Nessa seemed to be finding her own way through life without incident.

Elphaba Thropp felt useless.

She had to look away when she saw Galinda cuddling up to Fiyero. The green girl didn't know why but the sight of Galinda with Fiyero was beginning to make her feel sick.

She tried to turn her attention back to her book but she found herself reading the same sentence over and over again but nothing would sink it. Resigning herself to her lost focus she looked out the window again and at that same time Fiyero just happened to be looking towards the library. Their eyes met and Elphaba looked away instantly, hoping that Fiyero had not noticed her.

Elphaba felt her cheeks turning warm with embarrassment and she didn't dare look back out the window for multiple minutes. When she finally did glance through the glass she saw that Galinda now sat near Nessa, giggling with the handicapped child, and Fiyero was no longer around.

Elphaba frowned, hoping that Fiyero hadn't left to come see her, and once again tried to return to her book. Her focus was still lost to her and she let out a heavy sigh, closing the book with excess force.

"Elphaba?"

The green girl looked up to meet, eye to eye, with the Vinkus prince. She turned her head away almost instantly to look out the window again. The group of her peers still sat together on the blanket and she felt slightly alone. Secluded from everyone else.

She heard the dragging of a chair towards her and she knew that Fiyero was not going to leave her alone until she talked.

Elphaba Thropp did not want to talk.

She felt his hand touch hers, where it laid on top of the closed book, and she stiffened. "Elphaba?" he questioned again.

The green girl bit her bottom lip and turned to face Fiyero. Their eyes met briefly before she dropped her line of vision to her hand. His large hand covered her green one almost completely and she wondered what he was getting at with being here.

"What's wrong?"

Elphaba laughed; a sad, pitiful laugh that sounded harsh to her ears. "I think… Fiyero… that you can determine the answer to that question yourself. Or are you really as thick-headed as your reputation leads one to believe?"

"You sit alone. You won't talk to anyone any–"

"Did I ever talk to anyone?" Elphaba interrupted, her voice bitter. "No one's ever given me a second glance… why would I talk to them?"

"Galinda says you've been distant."

"Galinda tries to help in a situation she knows nothing of," Elphaba spat. "And she's never agreed with what I did."

"How do you know that?"

"She told me once… after it happened." Elphaba closed her eyes against the tears that threatened to spill from the memories that assaulted her. "And I see the look in her eyes when she talks to me. And it's not just her… it's everyone."

"Elphaba… you can't let what others think change who you are."

"We are what others portray us to be. That _is_ what society means." Elphaba opened her eyes and pulled her hand out from under Fiyero's; intertwining it with her other on her lap. "I thought… I thought that after what my father did that day... when everyone saw how he treated me… that things would change. I never wanted pity but now anything would be a welcome over the disgust and hate."

Fiyero sighed. "The immature can be cruel. They see only your skin colour and nothing mo–"

"Why green?" she interrupted. "Why born green? Of all the colours why must I have been born the colour of jealousy, of sin, of… _wickedness_?"

"I can't answer what fate decided. Nor can anyone else. Why fret over what cannot be changed? Why dwell on a past that means nothing anymore?"

"The past defines our present actions." Elphaba raised her eyes, finally managing to look at Fiyero without feeling embarrassed or ashamed. "And our present actions decide what our future becomes."

"In those words life is nothing more but a vicious cycle that can't be broken."

"Maybe that's what life is?"

"You can't truly believe that… can you?"

Elphaba turned to look out the window again but the group of students were gone now. The grass empty of their presence. "I don't know what I believe anymore."

"Fate's been cruel to you of late, but that doesn't mean that it always will be."

"Why would fate change its torture upon me now?"

"Why does fate do anything it does?"

"You can't answer a question with another question."

"You ask questions with no answers. What else can I do?"

Elphaba let out a heavy sigh. "Why are you here Fiyero?"

"To be your friend."

"What would Galinda say?"

"Galinda knows I'm here. Galinda trusts us."

Elphaba suddenly stood up, grabbing her book and hugging it tightly to her chest. She laid flashing eyes on the Vinkus prince and scowled. "Galinda shouldn't trust me alone with you." Elphaba turned to leave. "I hold feelings for you that have no place being there," she whispered, barely audible to the Vinkus prince.

Then she was gone; leaving a stunned Fiyero in her wake.


	28. The Confession

_Then she was gone; leaving a stunned Fiyero in her wake._

--

**Chapter Twenty-Eight: The Confession**

"Fiyero!"

The Vinkus prince looked up at the sound of his name. He recognized the shrill voice immediately and sighed as the blonde approached him.

Even in a library she couldn't help but be loud.

"Fiyero!" she said again, plopping herself down in the chair across from him. She smiled, kicking her legs underneath her as they didn't quite touch the ground. "Is Elphie okay?" she asked as she looked out the window.

Fiyero's face twisted in to an expression of shock. "How did you know I was talking to her?" he asked as he too looked out the window to try and see what was grabbing Galinda's attention.

"I might not be the smartest person in the world but I'm not an idiot," she replied, a frown now creasing her face. "As soon as you took your leave from the picnic I knew you were going to talk to her. I saw her through this very window too."

"Are you angry?"

"Why ever would I be angry?"

Fiyero shrugged. "I talked to another girl, alone, without telling you."

"I trust both of you." Galinda turned to face Fiyero. "Should I have reason not to?"

Fiyero's eyes widened in fear and he shook his head a little too forcefully. "No! I mean… well, no, of course not."

Galinda smiled, seemingly oblivious to Fiyero's nervousness. She looked back out the window. "So… is she okay?"

"As okay as one can be during such times," he replied, returning his attention to the window again. However, he couldn't find what was capturing Galinda's attention so much.

"What did you talk about?"

"Oh… nothing really. Fate, people, the circle of life. Silly things really."

"They don't sound so silly." Galinda turned her head quizzically. "How long ago did you talk to her?"

Fiyero shrugged. "A couple hours I think," he replied. "Wait… that would mean I've been in the library since then. That can't be right."

Galinda nodded absentmindedly. "I think you are right," she murmured. "Look." She pointed out the window to a section of the courtyard outside that Fiyero couldn't actually see from his position.

The Vinkus prince got up and walked over to Galinda's side of the table, the side Elphaba always sat at, and let his line of vision follow Galinda's pointing arm. He saw, finally, what had so captured the blonde's attention.

In the falling dusk it was hard to determine exactly but the stumbling form outside seemed, to both of them, to be their green friend. Their guess was affirmed when she stumbled in to one of the last rays of fading sunlight and her coloured skin shone before she tripped out of the light.

"Something's wrong," Galinda whispered.

Fiyero opened his mouth to reply but something… someone else… caught his eye and he was gone in a second. Galinda jerked in surprise at her boyfriend's sudden departure and was soon following behind him as fast as she could in her heals and skirt.

She got outside just in time to see Fiyero grab the arm of a man, another student, and turn him around rather forcefully. Galinda could just see Elphaba from where she stood, pushing herself from one tree to the next. The blonde made to go directly to her friend's aid but the loud yelp that escaped from the direction of her boyfriend distracted her.

Fiyero had punched the man that he had first spotted from the window in the library. He had landed on the ground, blood dribbling from his now broken nose.

"Stay away from her!" Fiyero snapped at the man now on the ground.

"Fiyero!" Galinda rushed to his side but froze when she saw who he had been so forceful against. "Avaric?" she questioned in confusion. "What are you doing here?"

Fiyero turned to the blonde. "What do you _think_ he's doing! He saw Elphaba out here like she is and decided he just wanted a little fun." He turned his attention back to Avaric, still sprawled on the ground. "Didn't you? A little repeat performance there Avaric? Is that what you wanted!"

"Where did you even come from?" Avaric muttered. "It's like you're the green bean's personal body-guard or something."

"Don't be changing the subject. You were going to rape her again, weren't you!" Fiyero grabbed the still stunned Avaric by his collar and hoisted him back up to his feet. "What sick, twisted game are you play at! She doesn't deserve this tre…"

Fiyero's voice trailed off as he spotted Elphaba trip over a tree branch not far from where they were standing. She almost hit the ground but caught herself at the very last moment. Fiyero, still holding on to Avaric's collar, looked at Galinda who nodded her understanding. The blonde slowly walked away from Fiyero, Avaric, and the group of boys that Avaric had been with, and cautiously made her way towards Elphaba. Fiyero threw Avaric to the side, as if he was worth nothing more then trash, and followed behind his girlfriend.

"Elphie?" Galinda asked softly when she came within hearing range of her friend.

The green girl in question stumbled but caught herself awkwardly on a nearby tree. Slowly she turned around to face the voice calling her name; leaving a hand on the tree to steady herself.

"Elphie, what are you doing out here?"

The green girl, unable to place the very familiar voice, simply grunted and buried her head in her free hand. Her vision was beginning to spin and she could feel a headache developing behind her eyes.

"Elphie, are you okay?" Galinda moved to stand beside the green girl and carefully laid a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"Ma… ma… head hurs," the green girl slurred and the blonde raised questioning eyebrows to Fiyero behind her.

"I think she's drunk," Fiyero stated as he crossed the small space between him and the green girl.

"Elphie, have you been drinking?" Galinda asked softly.

The green girl finally recognized the voice and suddenly shrugged the person's hand off her shoulder. "Go a… way Gaina."

"Gaina?" the blonde questioned with a small smile. "You're drunk."

"Do… n't drunk," the green girl slurred out and both the blonde female standing beside her and the male standing before her laughed.

"You're drunk," the blonde stated again but then her face suddenly fell as she became concerned for her friend. "Why were you drinking?"

"No… drunk."

"Elphaba, please… why were you drinking?"

"A… way."

"El…" Galinda's voice trailed off as her green friend's unfocused eyes managed to focus on the group of boys standing just a few feet away.

"A… avric?" Elphaba frowned and turned questioning eyes towards Galinda. "Wha… why is… is he here?"

"We happened to meet up with him by accident," Fiyero quickly cut in. "Nothing more than that."

The green girl laid unfocused eyes on the male. "Fi… Fiyero?" she questioned. "Why?"

"Why what Elphaba?" Fiyero questioned, moving slightly to the side to effectively block Avaric from the green girl's line of vision.

"You… you here? Why here?" Elphaba muttered, dropping her gaze to the ground. "Sho… should be wid Gal… Gal… Gaina."

"I am Elphaba, she's right here. You were just talking to her." Fiyero frowned in concern. "Don't you remember?"

"Goway." Elphaba tried to push the Vinkus prince away but she missed and her unsteady balance caused her to stumble and fall. Fiyero caught her just in time to prevent a disastrous fall to the hard ground below.

"I thi… I thind thad… thad…" Elphaba frowned as she relaxed completely into Fiyero. "…maybe I… I mighd…" she trailed off as he voice became muffled against Fiyero's clothes.

"What is it Elphaba?" Fiyero coaxed even though he had a sinking feeling he knew what Elphaba was going to say. He braced himself for her confession of love and the reaction that Galinda would have.

"I… I thind… thad… I mighd lo… love you."

Galinda's mouth opened in shock and her eyes flashed in anger. "Miss Elphaba!" she screeched. "I dare hope you are joking!"

Elphaba let out a small breath and clutched tightly onto Fiyero's shirt. The soft fabric, befitting of a prince's status, crumpled and wrinkled under her balled fists and Fiyero swore his shirt was becoming slightly damp with tears. He closed his eyes and tried to prepare himself for the altercation he knew would now occur between the drunken Elphaba and the upset Galinda.

"I… I wi… wished I was," Elphaba whispered as she began to feel the familiar stinging of burning skin from the tears now falling, unchecked, from her eyes.

"Miss Elphaba!" Galinda stormed towards her friend, unable to believe the words coming from the green girl's mouth.

"Oh, shud-up!" Elphaba screamed as she detangled herself from Fiyero and spun around to face the blonde. Her unsteady balance nearly caused her to tumble to the ground, again, but Fiyero had the presence of mind to keep a steadying hand on the drunk green girl's shoulder.

"Do… do you thind thad… thad he woud ever pi… pick me oder you!" Elphaba continued, pulling free of Fiyero's steadying hand and taking a few shaky and unsteadying steps towards Galinda. "You… you Gaina for Oz sakes! Gaina Upand of the Upper Upands! I jusd the… the green freak! I nod the girl he'd pick! You are!"

Galinda stepped backwards to escape the stench of alcohol on Elphaba's breath. "Miss Elphaba!" she screeched. "Not only is that not true but you cannot, no matter what, go around saying you love someone else's boyfriend! Especially your roommates!"

"Gaina! It… it me! Elbaba! I… I coud love him a… all I wanded and he would ne… never love me back!"

Elphaba's head snapped to the side as Galinda's angry slap took the green girl by complete surprise. "I do all in my power to help you stay here at Shiz!" Galinda screamed in anger. "And this is the thanks I get! I should've left you in the hands of your own father!"

"Gaina…" Elphaba whispered, her voice cracking from her tears. "I woud… I woud never do anyding… nod hurd you."

"I can't believe you would say such things!" Galinda's breathing was heavy with anger. "All you've ever said of Fiyero is how much he annoys you but I guess that was all lies!"

"A… at leasd I don'd assodiade wid rapisds!" Elphaba screamed, throwing her arm behind her and pointing at the suddenly shocked Avaric standing nearby.

"That was a while ago Elphie," Galinda muttered, knowing that the words she were speaking were to cause hurt and were not the truth. "Long enough to forgive and forget, don't you think!"

"Fogive? Foget?" Elphaba's eyes widened in shock. "I can'd… I can'd believe you! Do you even rember whad he made me do!"

"You had a choice Elphaba! You didn't have to kill those children! You could've birthed! You could've raised them! Avaric didn't make you murder them! You did!"

The blonde regretting what she had said as soon as the words left her mouth but her guilt was overshadowed by her anger to the point that she didn't currently care what she said or how much it would hurt her friend.

"Galinda!" Fiyero's voice was harsh and quiet. "How can you say that? Elphaba isn't a murderer!"

"Oh, shut-up Fiyero!" Galinda turned her attention towards the Vinkus prince. "You have obviously done nothing to try and stifle this growing love in Elphaba, have you?"

"Galinda you are obviously the one in the wrong here. Elphaba may not, in your opinion, be reasonable in her words of love but you do not have the right to judge her for the decision she made in a very difficult situation." Fiyero laid a hand on the green girl's shoulder not to just comfort her but to also help steady her shaking form.

"Are you taking sides Fiyero!" Galinda's face was turning an odd colour of red as her anger increased. "Do you truly love Elphaba over me!"

"Galinda you're… you're looking too much into this. Elphaba is drunk, she doesn't really know what she's saying. And her anger over… over this seemingly association with Avaric is not unreasonable at all."

"I can spead for myseld!" Elphaba frowned as she tried to turn around to face Fiyero but the prince kept a firm hand on the green girl's shoulder and she found herself unable to move much.

"Elphaba I think you should calm down and go to bed. You're in no condition to be out here anyways," Fiyero said softly as he began to lead the drunken girl to her dormitory.

"You can't go in the girl's dorm!" Galinda called after her boyfriend. "But I see you don't care much about the rules! All for Elphaba, isn't it? You just love her too much to follow the rules, don't you!"

Fiyero let out a breath of frustration and turned around to face the blonde. "Galinda, I love you," Fiyero tried to explain. "It's just that Elphaba is drunk and needs help and you seem too angry to offer your assistance so I will take care of her."

Galinda sighed in resignation and quickly ran over to the two. "I'm going to assume that Elphie is drunk and doesn't mean what she's saying and that you're just being the gentleman I know you are," she muttered as she caught up.

"I know whad I'm sading!" Elphaba protested and Fiyero nodded.

"I know," Fiyero said to the green girl. "Just trust us though, we'll get you back to your room and you'll be safe and asleep in moments."

"I don'd need sleep!" Elphaba protested. "I'm fin!"

Galinda huffed, crossing her arms across her chest as the three made there way across the courtyard to the dorm. "Just stay silent Miss Elphaba," Galinda muttered. "Or soon you'll find yourself in more trouble with me then you already are."

"Galinda just let her be," Fiyero hissed. "She's obviously upset over something and that's why she was drinking. Just let her sober up and we'll sort everything out tomorrow."

"I nod deaf," Elphaba muttered. "Pleade speak do me, nod around me."

"I'm sorry," Fiyero said. "Galinda and I are just trying to figure everythi–"

Fiyero's sentence fell short as Elphaba's eyes began to roll back into her head and he body started to shake violently before she suddenly collapsed. Fiyero barely caught Elphaba's falling body in time before she struck the ground and he began to realize just how much the green girl had drank. It took longer then Fiyero wanted but eventually he managed to carry the limp, shaking Elphaba to her shared room with Galinda following behind and watching for professors or Madame Morrible to make sure that the Prince was not caught in the girl's dorm.

Fiyero laid the unconscious Elphaba on her bed and Galinda flopped down on her own bed. "We never did find out why she was drinking," Galinda whispered, concern once again flooding her eyes.

"We probably never will know," Fiyero replied with a sad smile even though he knew, deep down, that Elphaba's drinking had been to try and drown out the feelings she had for him. To try and protect his and Galinda's love. To try and save her friendship with the blonde.

But her desperate action had backfired. And now Fiyero didn't even want to think of what the consequences would be.

"We'll never know much about her, will we Fiyero?" Galinda said as she folded her legs beneath her. "She's just not one to open up."

"She wasn't raised to open up, not like you Galinda." Fiyero frowned as he dabbed lightly at the tears that were drying on Elphaba's face with his sleeve. "Her face is burnt," Fiyero whispered in confusion.

"She's allergic to water," Galinda replied absentmindedly as she played with a curl in her hair. "Her tears probably burnt her."

"She's what!" Fiyero whirled around to face the blonde in concern in horror. "How can someone be allergic to… to water!"

Galinda shrugged. "I have no idea but she is."

"You seem not to care," Fiyero noted with concern.

The blonde shrugged. "She loves you," Galinda muttered in suppressed anger. "How can we be friends now?"


	29. The Loss Of Friendship

"_She loves you," Galinda muttered in suppressed anger. "How can we be friends now?"_

--

**Chapter Twenty-Nine: The Loss of Friendship**

A moan from the crumpled ball of brown bedding singled both the blonde and the Vinkus prince to their green roommate's return to the land of the living. She muttered something incomprehensible about the lack of blinds in the room before seemingly shrinking further underneath her sheets.

Fiyero stood up from his seat beside Galinda on the blonde's bed and pulled a chair from Galinda's vanity over to the side of Elphaba's bed. He sat down, ignoring Galinda's angry glare, and grabbed the plate of waiting sausages, bananas, and a glass of fresh milk off of Elphaba's nightstand.

"Eat," he said simply, reaching over and gently peeling the layers of blankets off of the half-wake form of Elphaba.

Elphaba tried to grab at the moving bedding but failed miserable and instead settled for curling in on herself to try and keep warm. "Go away," she muttered, burying her head in her pillow.

Fiyero sighed. "It's nearly noon Miss Elphaba. High time you woke up and faced the sunshine."

"Don't want to." Her voice was muffled by the pillow and her own exhaustion.

"If you're going to drink yourself in to oblivion you have to be ready to face the consequences." Fiyero grabbed hold of a green shoulder and rolled Elphaba towards him. She moaned as the sunlight streamed through the window and landed directly on her face.

"Get up," Fiyero stated, a little more forceful then Elphaba would've liked him to. "Eat, it will make you feel better."

Elphaba moaned, again, and finally struggled up in to a sitting position. Her back rested against the wall and her eyes were still shut tightly. "I'm not hungry," she said.

"Headache?" Fiyero questioned.

Elphaba shook her head gently. "Just nauseous," she replied quietly. "And tired."

"Well, better then most." Fiyero handed the waiting plate of food to Elphaba.

The green girl took it and finally opened her eyes. She stared at the plate and her face twisted in to an expression of confusion. "Sausages?" she questioned.

"Very greasy sausages," Fiyero clarified. "The more grease the better your stomach will feel. It's a tried and tested hangover cure."

"And the bananas?"

Fiyero shrugged. "Another tried and tested cure. I'm not quite sure why but bananas seem to also tame the nausea."

"I'm more thirsty then hungry," Elphaba stated.

"I have that taken care of too." Fiyero handed the glass of milk to the green girl and Elphaba nodded her thanks. "Alcohol seems to dehydrate the body. Normally I would recommend water but… well… I figured you probably wouldn't like that."

Elphaba slowly looked up from her plate. "You… you know?" she asked cautiously.

"About your strange water reaction?"

Elphaba nodded; placing the glass of milk on the nightstand and then slowly peeling one of the many bananas on her plate.

Fiyero sighed. "I found out yesterday. You were crying and it burnt your skin. Galinda told me."

"Oh."

"That's it?"

Elphaba shrugged. "What more can I say? When someone finds out they usually ask a million questions that I have no answers to."

"Well, I have no questions," Fiyero said. "So stop delaying and start eating."

"I'm not hungry."

"I don't care." Fiyero grabbed the peeled banana from Elphaba's hand and shoved it in to her mouth. "Eat."

Elphaba nearly choked at the sudden food in her mouth and her hand instinctively flew up to cover her mouth as she attempted to half cough out, half chew the banana. She sent a deadly glare in Fiyero's direction before turning her head away and trying to eat without losing all of her sense of manners and dignity.

Once Elphaba had managed to chew and swallow the majority of the banana in her mouth Fiyero handed her, for the second time, the glass of milk from her nightstand. "Drink," he stated simply.

Elphaba grunted, taking the glass without turning to face the Vinkus prince, and swallowed the milk in one gulp. She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and gave the now empty glass back to Fiyero. "I still feel nauseous," she muttered.

"Eat the sausages."

"I don't eat meat."

Fiyero frowned. "Really? I didn't know. But… but why?"

"How can we know if the meat on our plates came from an animal or an Animal?"

"I don't think they would be slaughtering Animals for meat Elphaba," Fiyero said. "And it's just this once."

"I haven't ate meat for years," Elphaba tried to explain. "Since a Cow living near our house once explained to me where meat came from as a child."

Fiyero sighed, taking the plate from Elphaba but tossing one more banana at her. "You won't eat meat because of what one, probably bitter, Cow told you as a kid? Strange."

"It's not my fault I care for issues above and beyond the walls of this University!" Elphaba's voice was beginning to raise in volume as anger at Fiyero's ignorance was growing in her.

"Look, I don't want to anger you or get caught in one of your high-and-mighty speeches." Fiyero stood up. "Eat the banana. I'll be back with more milk."

Elphaba sighed, closing her eyes and leaning back against the wall. She listened to Fiyero's soft footsteps as he quietly crossed the room, opened the door, and left. With her eyes still closed she peeled the banana in her hand and slowly ate it. Her nausea was still twisting in her stomach but it wasn't nearly as bad as it had been when she had first woken up.

But the sunlight still burned her eyes.

The green girl placed the banana peel on her nightstand and slowly opened her eyes. The sun had still not moved from its position where it shined, just inconveniently, on Elphaba's face. She frowned, closing her eyes again and reaching blindly around her nightstand until she found her hairbrush. She scooted away from the supporting wall and sat, cross-legged, near the foot of the bed.

Elphaba braved opening her eyes again and slowly smiled in victory. The sunlight did not quite reach to the end of her bed and she had successfully won against the apparent battle she had been raging, unknowingly, towards the sun.

"You weren't lying, were you?" Galinda questioned, speaking for the first time since her roommate had awaken.

Elphaba jerked in surprise at the sudden voice and slowly turned to face the blonde. "About what?" she asked cautiously as her brush slowly untangled the knots in her unruly hair.

"Yesterday, when you were dru–"

"Don't remind me," Elphaba interrupted as she let out a heavy sigh and put her brush down in her lap to pay better attention to her roommate.

"You said you loved Fiyero," Galinda curtly said. "I need to know the truth."

Elphaba's gaze dropped to her lap to stare at her hairbrush and she turned her head slightly away from the blonde. She stayed silent for what seemed like hours but ended up being no more than a minute or too.

"Yes," she whispered, tears glistening in the corners of her eyes.

"I see," Galinda replied, her voice cold and quiet.

"Galinda, I would never…" Elphaba tried to explain as she laid desperate eyes on her friend. "I wouldn't do anything. You have to understand! I know that you two, that you're together. I would never do anything to take him from you. I wouldn't!"

"I'm sorry Miss Elphaba," Galinda stood up from her bed and walked to the door. With her hand resting on the smooth doorknob she turned back to face her green roommate. "We can no longer be friends."

And then she was gone. The slamming of the door echoed in the now silent room as Elphaba sat, cross-legged, on her bed. Her mouth was open and her eyes wide in shock and horror.

"Ga… Galinda?" Elphaba whispered but the silent room didn't reply to the desperate whisper.


	30. The Selfishness Of Life

"_Ga… Galinda?" Elphaba whispered but the silent room didn't reply to the desperate whisper._

--

**Chapter Thirty: The Selfishness of Life**

Elphaba ducked her head against the wind as she clutched her schoolbooks to her chest. She could smell the impeding rain on the air and she was becoming concerned that she wouldn't be able to reach the safety of the dorms before the weather turned fierce.

Not that she particularly wanted to spend the evening coped up in a room with the now silent blonde.

Elphaba sighed and shook her head in a pitiful attempt to free her mind of the thoughts of her lost friendship. She was angry at herself. Angry at the fact that she had come so close to creating a true, lasting friendship and yet now it was all gone. Gone because she couldn't keep her own mouth shut.

_Yet agai_n, she thought to herself. _Yet again I have let my big mouth get me in trouble. Will I ever learn?_

She frowned at the memories of her lost friendship. Now she was back to where she had started. Her only friend now remained with Boq and even he she saw rarely for the Munchkin found himself often in the presence of Nessa. And Nessa herself still refused to speak with her green sister.

_What have I done?_ Elphaba thought. _I have lost my relationship with not only my sister but now my best friend and all the sort-of friends I had. _

"And I'm a murderer," she whispered under her breath as the memory of that fateful day, where she had so unfairly taken the lives of her own children, assaulted her mind.

Elphaba had to stop in her tracks and close her eyes tightly to stop the flood of tears that threatened to escape at the very thought of the sin she had so selfishly committed. Each day that passed by, each moment that she counted, was a time that those two children, that her twins, would never see. And each moment without the small babies was a moment to remind Elphaba of her deadly, cruel sin. She was selfish. A thought that hammered at her mind every waking moment. A thought that she couldn't escape. She was a cruel, selfish, murderer. No wonder all the relationships she had created had come tumbling down in front of her. She was a worthless, selfish, _disgusting _human being.

The seconds of her life now take hours to pass her by.


	31. Of Muggings And Acts Of Kindness

_The seconds of her life now take hours to pass her by._

--

**Chapter Thirty-One: Of Muggings and Acts of Kindness**

Elphaba mumbled a quiet, throaty noise that was meant to be a greeting to her newly entered blonde roommate. The green girl was thoroughly distracted with her studies as books laid strewn about her brown bedding. She sat in the middle of her bed with multiple notebooks opened in front of her and a pencil, slightly chewed, in her mouth. She had fallen quite far behind in all of her studies and was now trying, desperately, to catch up before the upcoming exams.

As a result the green girl did not notice Glinda's blackened eye nor her bloody lip. She didn't see the mud that stained the blonde's pale yellow dress nor the odd lack of the purse that she always carried. It wasn't until the blonde disappeared in to the bathroom without a single word that Elphaba looked up from her studies in confusion.

The blonde might not be talking to Elphaba at the moment but Galinda had still kept her customary manners and exchanged pleasant, though obviously forced, greetings whenever she saw the green girl in a private or semi-private place. Places such as their shared dormitory room.

Which was why Elphaba found it strange that Galinda had not even attempted a muttered greeting of any sort.

The green girl slowly unfurled herself from her cramped position on the bed. Her back cracked audibly as she stretched her arms over her head and then slowly slid herself off of her bed. She crossed the few steps over to the bathroom in mere moments and stood in front of the door, that Galinda had once broken down, and debated whether it was any of her business to inquire about the health of her blonde roommate.

Elphaba finally decided that it was her business. And that no matter how much Galinda had pushed her away the blonde was still, at the very least, _her_ friend. Therefore there was no reason to not ask after her roommate's health.

Something still tugged at her to leave the blonde alone but Elphaba ignored that small part of her mind and gently knocked on the bathroom door. "Galinda?" she asked. "Are you well?"

"I'm fine," Galinda's far too cheery and far too pleasant voice called from within.

Elphaba knew that tone of voice. She knew it meant that Galinda was anything _but_ okay. Had their friendship still been between both of them, and not just a desperate attempt to salvage their relationship by the green girl, then Elphaba would've been at Galinda's side in a second. However, that was not the case and Elphaba found herself unsure of what she should do.

"Galinda," Elphaba called through the door. "I wish not to… not to force my presence upon you. But if you need help in anyway I am willing to offer my assistance. And I can assure you that I will ask nothing in return."

Elphaba heard the lock sliding free from within the bathroom. A few moments later Galinda's now small, and choked with tears, voice floated through the thin door: "You may come in."

Elphaba turned the knob and gently pushed the door open. Galinda's pale dress was unzipped and pulled off of her shoulders, crumpled at her hips, and her bra was discarded on the bathroom floor. Elphaba could only see the back of Galinda, for she didn't dare look at the reflection of the blonde's front in the mirror, and the sight she saw made her gasp.

A large bruise, purple-blue in colour and slowly turning black, spread from the blonde's right shoulder, down her back, and wrapped around her right torso.

"Galinda?" Elphaba's voice was barely above a whisper as shock coursed through her body and made it near impossible for her to move. "What happened?"

"We went through the Lower Levels by accident," Galinda explained, moving just slightly to better see her back in the mirror. "We got mugged."

"We?" Elphaba asked, finally stepping in to the threshold of the bathroom.

"Pfannee, Shenshen, and me," she replied. "Really Miss Elphaba, who else would it be?"

Elphaba made no response and instead kneeled down to retrieve one of her bottle of oils from the bottom drawer of the bathroom vanity. "This should help cool the stinging of the bruise," she muttered, standing up again. "And help heal the bleeding blood vessels."

"I… I…" Galinda stammered, unsure of whether to truly ask for her roommate's help or to try and deal with her injuries alone.

"Galinda?" Elphaba prodded, trying to get as much of the truth out of the blonde as she could.

"I… think it might be more than just a bruise."

Elphaba frowned, setting the bottle of oil down, and crossed the few remaining steps to her roommate's side. "May I?" she asked and the blonde slowly nodded.

Long green fingers prodded the joint between arm and shoulder and Elphaba flinched at the small gasps and hisses of pain that escaped Galinda's mouth. "I think it might be dislocated," Elphaba whispered, gently lifting the blonde's right arm up to try and test its mobility.

Galinda let out a screech of pain and jerked forward out of Elphaba's reach. "What are you doing!" the blonde screamed, whirling around to face her green roommate.

Elphaba turned her head away, her cheeks turning dark in embarrassment at the sight of Galinda's uncovered front. The blonde, however, seemed not to notice, or care, that her chest was not covered.

"Are you trying to hurt me further!" Galinda continued yelling, oblivious to her roommate's extreme discomfort.

"No," Elphaba whispered but her voice was so weak that Galinda didn't even hear her.

"You are, aren't you! Why would you do that! Why would you try to torment me even more than I've already been tormented today! I thought that you, at least, would do no such thing!"

"Galinda, please…" Elphaba made her voice slightly louder, trying to be heard above the blonde's ranting. "I'm not trying to hurt you. I want to help but if your shoulder really is dislocated it's going to hurt no matter how gentle I am."

Galinda stood in silence, her face red with anger and pain, and her breathing came in ragged, short gasps. She studied her roommate carefully and eventually came to the conclusion that perhaps the green girl really wasn't doing her any harm.

"Can you fix it?" Galinda asked, her voice still a tad too loud and a tad too bitter.

Elphaba nodded, still keeping her eyes down and away from Galinda's naked frame. "Sit down," she muttered. "You're back facing me. I can put it back in place but it will hurt."

Galinda did what she was told and when Elphaba felt that the blonde's back was once again facing her, and she was safe from the embarrassment of seeing her roommate's bare chest, she looked up. The green girl kneeled down behind her roommate and wrapped her left arm around Galinda's torso. She pulled the blonde towards her; bracing the lithe frame with her own body.

"Ready?" Elphaba asked quietly as she grabbed hold of the blonde's right wrist. Galinda nodded.

Both girls closed their eyes and took in a deep breath in preparation. Then, suddenly, Galinda screamed as her injured arm was yanked down, up, and then forced back towards her body. She lurched forward but Elphaba quickly pulled the blonde back towards her own body and held her there.

Galinda stayed still; fighting waves of nausea and struggling to stay conscious. Deep breaths singled her attempts to calm her racing heart and still the pain throbbing in her shoulder.

Elphaba was suddenly forced to hold up all of Galinda's weight as the pain and nausea overwhelmed the tiny blonde and sent her in to unconsciousness. Elphaba let go of Galinda's injured arm and wrapped both of her own arms around the blonde's waist. She leaned backwards to shift Galinda's weight in to her chest and keep the blonde from ending up on the bathroom floor.

Elphaba sighed; repositioning the now unconscious blonde so to better examine the large bruise that covered the blonde's shoulder, arm, part of her back, and part of her torso. A green hand wrapped around the forgotten bottle of oil on the tile floor and she unscrewed the lid; still keeping her other hand around Galinda's waist to hold up the lithe frame. She disposed almost a quarter, if not more, of the oil on the blonde's bruise and gently rubbed it in. Letting the soothing liquid soften the hard bruise and soak in to the broken blood vessels.

It took quite a bit of inventive maneuvering on Elphaba's part to reach the drawer of the vanity that contained the first-aid kit. She opened it up and pulled out the scissors and roll of bandages. With Galinda propped up against the vanity and her knee Elphaba managed to tightly wrap the blonde's torso, shoulder, and arm to try and encourage the healing process and prevent Galinda from accidentally injuring herself with further movement of the damaged joint.

It was then that Elphaba noticed the blonde's black eye and bloodied lip. The green girl had to blink back her own tears as she desperately tried to keep a level head on her shoulders and give her roommate the care she needed. Elphaba tried to wipe the blood from Galinda's torn lip away with the back of her sleeve but it had dried too much for only cloth to wipe it away. Elphaba stretched her arm up to the sink of the vanity, barely reaching it from her position on the floor, and grabbed the cloth that Galinda always kept there. As carefully as she could, without seeing what she was doing, she turned the tap on and ran the cloth underneath the water.

She felt her hand burning as water touched her skin and she bit her lip against the pain. She pulled the cloth away from the tap, hoping it was wet enough, and turned the water off. She squeezed out the excess water, as she had seen Galinda do before, and brought the cloth to the blonde's lip. Gently she wiped away the blood with the wet section of the cloth and then used what little section of the cloth that had not gotten wet to now dry the water off of Galinda's face.

She hastily dropped the cloth in the sink as the pain in her hand was becoming near impossible to bear. She dried the slight dampness off of her hand on Galinda's crumpled dress and then slowly opened and closed her hand to try and relieve the pain settling there from her new, fresh blisters.

Resigning herself to her injury she brushed a loose curl away from Galinda's face and tucked it behind the blonde's ear. She shifted Galinda's position against her so that she could get one arm under the blonde's shoulders and the other arm under her knees. She lifted the still unconscious Galinda up, struggling to stand with the dead weight in her arms, and managed to stumble her way over to the blonde's bed. She carefully laid Galinda down and then made her way to the closet. She pulled out one of Galinda's many nightgowns and then set to work changing the young blonde.

Green cheeks turned dark in embarrassment as Elphaba, for the first time in her life, saw someone, of her own free will, naked who wasn't her sister. She rushed through the process of changing Galinda a little more then she probably should have. Elphaba knew that she might've accidentally aggravated the blonde's injured shoulder but she could not find it in herself to slow down.

She did not wish to prolong the sight of a naked Galinda.

After what seemed like an eternity, but Elphaba knew it wasn't, the blonde was changed and safely tucked underneath her sheets. The green girl knew that Galinda would not stay unconscious for long so she simply returned to her former position on her own bed and tried to study.

Her focus was completely lost on her.

It took no more than an hour before consciousness returned to Galinda. The small moan of pain first alerted Elphaba to her roommate's return to the land of the awake and the green girl looked up from the sentence she had been trying to read for the last ten minutes. Brown eyes met unfocused blue ones and Elphaba smiled softly.

"How are you feeling Miss Galinda?" Elphaba asked, carefully pushing herself up and off of her bed.

"My shoulder hurts."

"It will hurt for a few days yet. I bound it to help it heal and prevent you from accidentally moving it too much," Elphaba replied as she dropped to her knees and ran her hands suspiciously over a single floorboard while chanting quietly under her breath.

The floorboard, much to Galinda's surprise, seemed to wriggle itself free and slide to the side to reveal a small hole in the previously intact floor. Elphaba reached in to the shadows and pulled out a small bottle. She stood up, walked over to the stunned blonde, and handed the bottle over.

"Whiskey," Elphaba said, stepping back to allow Galinda room to carefully sit up.

"Whatever for?" Galinda questioned. "I dare hope you don't intend to get me drunk Miss Elphaba."

"My father used to let Nessa and I have a sip of whiskey when we would hurt ourselves. I accidentally got drunk off of it once when I was nine. I broke my arm and drank a tad too much."

"So it dulls the pain?"

"As much as any other alcoholic beverage would. But for some reason my father only ever gave us whiskey so it's what I've always kept on hand for emergencies. Drink only a little and it should take the sharpness away from your shoulder."

Galinda unscrewed the lid to the whiskey bottle and took a small sip. A few moments later her facial expression visibly relaxed as the throbbing pain in her shoulder seemed to melt away. The blonde made to take another sip but a green hand quickly wrapped around the bottle and gently tugged it away.

"No more," Elphaba stated as she screwed the lid back on and returned the bottle to its safe cubbyhole beneath the floor. "I can't be letting you get drunk and start throwing-up with such a dislocated shoulder." The green girl replaced the floorboard and chanted quickly and quietly underneath her breath to seal the secret hiding place from prying eyes, or worse yet, prying magick.

"Miss Elphaba?"

The green girl looked up from her position kneeling on the floor and raised a single eyebrow in question. "Yes?" she prodded, holding her breath as she had a feeling she knew exactly what Galinda was going to say.

"This doesn't mean we're friends again."

Elphaba closed her eyes; berating herself for even hoping that this act of kindness she had shown her roommate would salvage their broken relationship. "I didn't do this to guilt you in to being my friend again."

"Then, pray tell me, why did you help me?"

Elphaba opened her eyes and forced herself to smile even though despair and fallen hope was crushing her. "Because we are both decent people and even if we are no longer friends we can still help the other if need be. I pray that you would still do the same for me?"

Galinda looked away, playing with a fold in her bedding. "I… well… it pains me to say this Miss Elphaba but I can't promise that I would have, or ever would do, the same for you."

Elphaba suddenly stood up; a frantic jerk that was not graceful nor quiet. She accidentally knocked her bed, causing some of her school books to slide off and land, with an audible thud, on the floor. A quiet curse escaped her tightly clenched teeth and green hands balled in to fists at her sides.

Galinda refused to look at her distraught roommate.

Elphaba roughly pulled open her nightstand drawer and grabbed the small change purse that sat there. She made her way over to the blonde's bed and stood less than an inch from Galinda's position. She undid the clasp on the tiny purse and emptied its contents on to the blonde's lap.

Galinda still refused to look at her roommate.

"It… it's not much," Elphaba whispered, her voice choked with desperately suppressed sobs. "But… perhaps it will… replace some of what was so… so unfairly taken from you today." And then she was gone. The rushing of air behind her and the slamming of the room's door singling her all but subtle exit.

Galinda fingered the change that now sat on her lap as a lone tear traced down her pale cheek. The blonde knew, no matter how much it hurt her, that what she said had been the truth. Galinda doubted that, should Elphaba ever need help, she would offer her assistance.

Galinda Upland, of the Upper Uplands, had let love turn her in to a bitch.


	32. Of Sanity And Insanity

_**Author's Warning: **Implied rape (or slightly more than implied), severe mental anguish/self induced mental torment, and suicidal thoughts. If any of these issues make you uncomfortable then I suggest you skip this chapter._

--

_Galinda Upland, of the Upper Uplands, had let love turn her in to a bitch._

--

**Chapter Thirty-Two: Of Sanity and Insanity **

Elphaba Thropp sat, fuming, in her chair in the library. Her arms were crossed over her chest as she bit her bottom lip in a desperate attempt not to cry. She wouldn't cry… not in public. Which had been the sole reason she had retreated to the library and not some hovel in one of the many scattered sort-of forests that doted the outskirts of the University grounds.

The library was unusually packed with students desperately cramming for the upcoming exams. Elphaba, though currently behind in her schoolwork, found herself at the receiving end of multiple questions asked to her by the students in the library. She had no reason not the answer the desperate students – except maybe the fact that they all hated her – so she gave the shortest, snippiest answers she could.

Partly because she felt the other students deserved her rudeness and partly because she couldn't be bothered to try and be civil.

She couldn't believe her roommate. She couldn't believe that bubbly, superficial, bitch of a blonde that she was forced to share with. She had helped Galinda, even though the blonde currently hated her, and she had had the nerve to say that she wouldn't do the same for her green roommate!

Elphaba, the Thropp Third Descending, was furious beyond words. Absolutely, completely, utterly furious. She suddenly stood up, knocking her chair to the floor, and strode from the library. The students still studying looked up from their books for a moment to watch the fleeting form of the green girl and then wisely adverted their eyes.

The library doors were opened, and then slammed shut, with such force that they creaked and grinded in their hinges. Elphaba didn't care as she stomped through the still slightly damp grass, not caring to follow the stone path, to some place where she would be alone.

She wanted to cry.

Elphaba didn't care where her feet took her until she found herself at the very edge of Suicide Canal. She wasn't sure why she had come here but the sight of the river below, the water crashing against itself, memorized her. Elphaba's attention was captivated by the swirling, loud river and she found herself frozen in her position at the cliff's edge.

She wanted to see the famed sea; to touch it, to feel it, to dance between the waves. To make it just _hers_.

Elphaba closed her eyes. She imagined the feeling of the river as it rushed around her. She imagined the touch of the water against her bare skin. The way it would caress her, relax her, tangle her hair in to knots and throw it about her face. She could almost feel the dirt, the endless layers of her cleansing oil, melt off of her green skin. She imagined her verdigris, her cursed colouring, being washed away. Revealing the same pale skin underneath that covered her sister.

She imagined her death.

Her eyes snapped open at the evil thought that had overwhelmed her mind and she staggered backwards. Her foot caught an exposed tree root and she stumbled then fell. She instinctively threw her hands back and caught herself just in time to prevent a disastrous injury. She sat there, a crumpled mess of tangled memories and wicked thoughts. Her breathing came in short, ragged breaths as the sound of the roaring river below her echoed through her brain. She suddenly pushed herself up, ignoring the throbbing pain surging through her ankle, and turned to flee.

Someone was there. A student… a student Elphaba knew all too well.

"You're a complete mess Miss Elphaba," the intruder said. His eyes glanced up and down the shaking form of the green girl.

"Avaric…" Elphaba's voice came out as a breathless whisper. Her thoughts of suicide still coursed through her mind and she was so disgusted at herself and her own uncontrollable emotions that she barely even registered the man before her.

His hand touched her arm but she jerked backwards, stumbling over the very same root that she had fallen over only moments ago. "Why must you always be near?" she muttered, her mind still not completely focused on the outside world. "Why can you not leave me in peace?"

"I enjoy your company," he replied, managing to secure a tight hold around Elphaba's arm and pulling the weak, and not completely coherent, green girl towards him.

Elphaba made some sort of throaty noise but her pitiful attempt at escape fell on deaf ears. She was now so trapped in her own mind and mental torment that she could no longer even register what was happening around her. She cursed her own weakness but could find no escape from the black pit of pain, anger, and shame swirling in her mind.

She was dragged to the nearby forest and thrown, quite forcefully, on to the thick underbrush. Avaric took more time then he had in his previous attack and carefully undid the clasps holding Elphaba's dress up. He pushed the fabric down, pulling it completely off of the green girl and tossing it aside. In a quick movement both Elphaba's bra and undergarments joined her dress as useless fabric draped over a nearby bush.

Elphaba found herself in the same mental state that she had so often retreated in to as a child during her father's more violent beatings. The beatings that often left her bleeding on the floor, in the fetal position, hanging on to life by a thread. Beatings that had not only involved the bite of a whip and the lick of fire but also the debilitating pain of water upon her bare skin.

A hand cupped her breast, lips brushed against her mouth, and a second hand sneaked its way down her stomach. Her unfocused eyes stared in to the eyes of her tormentor but she could not register what was really happening to her. She didn't feel the warmth of his skin against hers. She didn't feel the touch against her most private part or the hand that entered in to her. She didn't register as his pants fell to his ankles and their hips met. She didn't feel the pain as he entered her.

All she could feel was the water of Suicide Canal swirling around. The pain it would bring her and the sweet release from her living hell that it would grant her. She closed her eyes... feeling the cold and yet burning water against her skin. She could imagine it – the way death would feel.

Suddenly Avaric screamed. A blood curdling scream that echoed in Elphaba's ears and dragged her from the incoherent safety of her mind in to a semi-conscious state. Her eyes saw the sight of Avaric as he crawled backwards, his membrane black and wilted. It looked almost burnt.

She vaguely wondered if she had been the one to cause such disfigurement on Avaric's most private part.

Her tormentor stood up, grabbing his pants from where they sat around his ankles and hoisting them back up. He turned and fled with not a second glance back towards the woman he had come so close to taking for the second time in his life.

Elphaba curled in on herself. Assuming her familiar protective fetal position as her mind desperately tried to free itself from its own torment and return to reality. A fight she was losing.

The green girl wondered if perhaps she was going insane. It was a thought that didn't disgust her as much as she thought it would. Perhaps sanity was a relative existence. Overrated and overdone. Perhaps insanity was where she truly belonged. A tormented soul in a tormented existence. _Insanity could prove useful_, she thought. _An excuse to flee this life and find release._

A short laugh escaped her throat. A gurgling noise that was muffled by how far she had buried her head in to her knees. She wanted to cry but found she had no tears left. She wanted to scream but found she had no voice left.

She wanted to feel but found she had no emotions left.

Night fell. Cool and comforting. She enjoyed nighttime. The darkness hid her hideous skin and cloaked her in a protective shield from those who tried to hurt her. As a child she had taken to night as easily as a bat took to flight. She had found acceptance in the shadows and as a child she could pretend that she was not green.

But only at nighttime.

When daylight came she had been forced back to reality. In the daytime she couldn't pretend she was normal, she couldn't pretend she was perfect. In the daytime her father would beat her… would tote her around like some object for his own selfish religious needs.

In the light of the sun she had sung. Songs of religion, the only songs her father approved of, and her own compositions. Her voice was not perfect but it was not horrible by any means. Had she ever actually practiced she could've been amazing.

She never sang anymore.

Nessa used to cry as a child… she had been a fussy baby. And the only thing that would calm her had been Elphaba's songs. The green child, the oldest Thropp, had never refused to sing for her younger sister. Even today, should Nessa ever ask, Elphaba would have no qualms singing for the handicapped child.

Nessa hadn't asked for a song in years.

Green eyelids fluttered shut, then snapped open. Elphaba Thropp had always enjoyed the nighttime but she could not stand total darkness. Darkness brought memories to the surface of her mind. Memories she wanted to forget. Wicked thoughts she was desperately trying to ignore.

Her brown eyes were hazy and unfocused; staring in to nothingness. The logical part of her mind, the conscious part, was desperately trying to fight against the swallowing shield she was creating in her mind. She could no longer stand her own thoughts and she was trying to bury herself – her personality, her memories – behind a wall of insanity.

The logical part of her brain would not allow such weakness. She laid there, in the fetal position, for more hours then time could count. Her naked body shook against the cold as her mind raged war with itself. Sanity fought insanity and for seven long hours there was no clear winner.

Ragged breathing, short and quick with panic and fear, began to slow down. Her racing heart, beating with adrenaline she had stopped needing long ago, finally returned to a normal rate. Eyelids fluttered opened and closed as sanity slowly returned to her. In time the hazy cloudiness in her eyes dissipated and the reality of where she was, what she had done, and what had happened to her slowly sunk in.

The sun was beginning to rise. The darkness around her was beginning to lift and Elphaba closed her eyes against the tears that threatened to spill down her face. She could _feel_ again… and she didn't know if that was a good thing.

Her hand reached out, struggling to find the clothes she knew were nearby. Her body still shook but more from shock then from the bitter cold. Semi-consciousness was assaulting her but in her incoherent state she was not fully functional. Her green hand made contact with the soft fabric of her dress and she tugged it close to her. She had not the strength to put it on, not yet, so she brought it close to her chest. Hugging the fabric as if it was her only connection to reality.

It wasn't until the sun finally broke over the horizon, flooding the world with light, that Elphaba's mind finally climbed its way in to consciousness. She laid there, naked and shivering, for an hour longer, maybe two, before she found the strength within her to move.

With painfully slow movements she struggled to dress herself. Her undergarments went on first before she managed to slip her dress on. She reached behind her, doing the clasps of her dress up at her back. She smiled in victory; she had managed to dress herself without straying from the safety of her fetal position for more then a moment or two at a time.

Her victory was short lived. She knew what had happened to her, how close she had come to losing herself to the depths of insanity, and she feared the reality that was waiting for her to face. She knew how close Avaric had come to his goal, how he had even managed to enter in to her, before her uncontrolled magick had saved her from another disastrous occurrence.

A shudder crawled up her spine. She felt dirty… used. An object meant for nothing more than someone else's pleasure. She wanted someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on. She knew it was weak, pathetic even, but she couldn't help it.

She wanted a friend but knew she had none.

She slowly stretched out, forcing her body out of the safety shell of the fetal position. With jerky movements she rolled over so she laid with her stomach on the ground of the small forest floor and her face buried in the soft dirt. She cried, wrenching sobs that shook her body and drained her of any strength she had left. The dirt soaked up her tears, preventing the painful burns that would have otherwise assaulted her face.

The scream that left her mouth was shattering; or at least, it was suppose to be. It came out as a hoarse, bird-like screech that echoed against unseen boundaries and walls beyond the darkness of her own mind.

The mental struggle she had endured for the last ten hours, maybe more, had drained her of any hope she had had left. There was only so much one person could endure and Elphaba Thropp was dangerously close to her breaking point.

She had fought insanity and won… but only just… and she feared that she had not the strength to rage this war with herself any longer.


	33. The Consequences

_She had fought insanity and won… but only just… and she feared that she had not the strength to rage this war with herself any longer._

--

**Chapter Thirty-Three: The Consequences**

"And you would be?"

Elphaba briefly closed her eyes as she shut the classroom door behind her. She had hoped to enter unnoticed. Late but unnoticed. It seemed, however, that fate would not allow such a simple wish to occur and now the green girl was being called out in front of the class.

She really just wanted to sleep.

"Elphaba Thropp," she answered, her voice tired and worn from the mental anguish she had endured so recently.

"So nice of you to join us."

The green girl nodded slightly as she made her way to an empty seat at the back of the class. She limped slightly as she walked, having come to the realization that she had badly twisted her ankle when she had tripped over the unseen root earlier.

"Since you seem not to care enough to arrive on time perhaps you could come down here and answer the question I just poised to the class?"

Elphaba sighed, holding her books close to her chest and running a tired hand through her hair to push it off her face. She slowly made her way to the front of the classroom and when she finally laid eyes on the professor, and realized what class she was actually in, she was struck with a dull feeling of shock.

"Where is Doctor Dillamond?" she asked, eyeing the professor that stood before her. He was short, his hair graying and beginning to bald. He was hunched over and walked over to her with a prominent limp; a cane held tightly in a boney hand.

"I am the guest professor for the day Miss Thropp. Had you arrived on time you would know that," he replied was a small, mocking smile.

Elphaba stopped in front of the seemingly ancient professor and gave a short, quick nod. Her vision was blurred slightly from the lack of rest she had had and her mind was still fighting against the wall of insanity within it. She was drained of all energy and felt herself near to fainting if she did not sit down soon.

"Tell me, Miss Thropp, what is it that you see? Do you see the rain or the life that it brings?"

Elphaba blinked in surprise and cocked her head slightly. Her face twisted in to an expression of confusion. "Pardon professor?" she asked.

"It's a simple question Miss Thropp, answer it."

"Is this some sort of metaphor? Like the silly things they talk of in Philosophy?"

"Silly things? Did I hear you correctly? Are you, Miss Thropp, accusing me of asking a _silly_ question?" The professor's face became flushed with anger.

"You speak as they do in Philosophy. Silly things about the glass being half-full or half-empty and the such. Various ways to ask your view on life." Elphaba shrugged slightly. "If you wish to ask questions in a History class speak plainly or don't speak at all."

"You tread dangerous ground Miss Thropp. I ask again – do you see the rain or the life that it brings?"

"Neither," Elphaba replied. "I see my inevitable death."

"Whatever does that mean?"

"What does it matter to you?"

"I ask a question and get a riddle in response." The professor crossed the few remaining feet between himself and Elphaba and his hand clenched even tighter around the handle of his cane. "You are playing with fire Miss Thropp."

"If you ask questions in metaphors then I shall respond with answers in code. I treat those how I am treated."

"I don't believe you understand my methods."

"Oh, but I do… _professor_. You wish for me to become flustered as you single me out in front of my peers. You wish to embarrass me and send me fleeing from this class." Elphaba's eyes flashed with a fire and anger that she was desperately trying to control. "But in case you have not noticed I am _green_, sir, and no amount of silly questions and pointless banter will send me flying from this class in tears. I have thicker skin then most."

The professor smiled; a cold, calculating smile. "Like a flower leaning towards the sun you are but a child reaching for an acceptance you will never achieve."

"If you wish to throw me from this class then do so. I am in no mood to play word games with a professor better suited to teaching Philosophy then a History class."

"Are you criticizing my teaching methods Miss Thropp?"

"You stand here playing metaphoric word games with me instead of teaching these students about a history that could very well change the course of our futures!" Elphaba began to shake slight; partly from emotion and partly from exhaustion. "We stand here at the brink of a revolution! The Animals are being repressed and no student here cares for we have not been taught why! We come to class to gather knowledge to make our own decisions… not to be brainwashed in to believing the lies being sprouted around this land!"

The cane struck Elphaba across her cheek. Her books fell from her grasp and she stumbled backwards, barely catching herself on another student's desk. Her vision swam and dark spots danced around her. Her breath hitched in her throat as fiery pain shot through her cheek and in to her head. Her brain seemed to throb against her scull as the stiff wood of the professor's cane, coupled with his surprising strength for such an old man, had very nearly given the green girl a concussion.

"You speak of what you do not know!" The professor's voice was loud with anger and his own embarrassment. "You think because you happen to be of a vile skin colour and your peers criticize you that you know the ugly side of life! Politics are more complicated then your small brain could ever comprehend!"

"Why?"

The small word that escaped Elphaba's mouth was below that of even a whisper yet it cut through the classroom as through she had screamed it at the top of her lungs. "Why?" she repeated, her voice weak and minute. "Why must all I ever do end in violence? I speak my mind and I get beat. I keep silent and I get beat. What else is there for me to do?"

"I cannot help your weakness at slight corporal punishment. If you will not do what is asked of you and insist on making a spectacle of yourself with your words and actions then you _must _be silenced."

"Just as they are trying to silence Doctor Dillamond?" Elphaba replied, her voice shaking from the near concussion that she had and the pain that throbbed in her head.

The professor laughed. A short, low laugh full of mocking glee. "Life is a bed of roses, Miss Thropp, it is _you_ who has chosen not to sleep in the bed."

Elphaba turned around to face the professor; a hand still holding on to the edge of the desk to keep herself from falling to her knees. "Perhaps a bed of roses," she replied curtly. "Thorny, thorny roses."

The professor frowned and hobbled towards the green girl. He made to grab her arm but such an action she would not allow. The room suddenly seemed cast in shadows. The desks around her began to shake as her magick revealed itself in a desperate attempt to save her from her newest perceived threat. Without even touching the professor he was thrown backwards and he struck his head on the hard floor. Blood pooled around him but Elphaba felt no remorse for her actions.

The wall of insanity in her mind was desperately trying to rage its war again. She closed her eyes, taking deep breaths, and tried to calm herself.

Some of the students screamed as they fled the classroom while others simply stared at Elphaba and her actions with curiosity. A strong hand grabbed her arm and Elphaba snapped her eyes open to find herself staring at Fiyero.

"What has gotten to you?" Fiyero's voice was laced with concern and worry as his eyes glanced up and down the disgruntled and dirty form of the green girl. "You're a mess! And what were you getting at agitating that professor? And then attacking him!"

"He hit me!" Elphaba hissed out between clenched teeth as she wrenched her arm free from Fiyero's grasp. "And you're the very reason I'm so messed up right now! You're the reason my own mind is trying to strangle me!"

"Whatever are you talking about?" Fiyero frowned, wondering if Elphaba had finally snapped. "If you're speaking of Galinda and yours fight then that is between the two of you. I refuse to get involved!"

"Stop being near me! Stop trying to help me!" Elphaba took a few steps back to try and distance herself from the Vinkus prince. "My feelings for you _is_ why Galinda has pushed me away! _You_ are the reason we are fighting!"

"Miss Elphaba Thropp!"

The green girl whirled around to face the voice that had called her name. The door to the classroom had been thrown open and Madame Morrible stood in the entranceway.

"Morrible?" Elphaba questioned, taking a step back as she saw the furious anger that coloured the Headmistress' face. "What are you doing here?"

Madame Morrible ignored the question and instead simply made her way towards the now frightened green girl and grabbed her by the arm. She all but dragged Elphaba from the classroom and all the exhausted green girl could do was send a pleading look over her shoulder towards Fiyero.

But Fiyero couldn't save her.

As they left the classroom Elphaba saw her sister, sitting prime and perfect in her chair, near the doorway. Nessarose Thropp cocked her head slightly, black hair cascading over her left shoulder, and grimaced as her sister was dragged by her. Elphaba was then struck by a dull feeling of surprise and betrayal.

Her own sister had gone crying to the Headmistress over Elphaba's recent actions.

Elphaba was shaken from her thoughts as Madame Morrible literally threw her in to a nearby empty office. "Sit," she said and Elphaba did as she was told for fear of what would happen if she tried to ignore Morrible's angry orders.

Madame Morrible paced back and forth in front of Elphaba as the green girl perched on the edge of the uncomfortable chair and tried not to fidget. "I never meant to hurt him," Elphaba tried to explain.

"I don't know what to do with you Miss Elphaba," Madame Morrible said, ignoring Elphaba's words. "You've broken countless rules and never once have I forced you to face the consequences but I fear I can no longer shield you from your punishments."

"Countless rules?" Elphaba questioned, unsure of what the Headmistress was talking of.

Madame Morrible stopped her pacing and turned to look directly at the frightened green girl. "Do not take me for an idiot Miss Elphaba!" she screeched before taking a deep breath to calm herself. "I know of what you've done. The fact that you were _drunk_ on school grounds not more than a few days ago should've been my first clue that you've taken this hooligan attitude too far!"

"Hooligan attitude?" Elphaba's voice was small, weak. "I've never meant to portray myself as such a thing."

"Whether you meant to or not is not the point because that is what I've perceived from you." Morrible returned to her pacing. "You were pregnant Miss Elphaba, which clearly means that you were intimate outside of wedlock. An action that not just breaks this school's rules but is against the laws of this land!"

"That is a law that has not been enforced by any official for years. Why single me out for something that I did _not_ choose to partake in?" Elphaba's fingers intertwined with each other as she tried to find an outlet for her nervous energy.

"Because you involved the nurses in a self-induced miscarriage on this school's grounds!"

Elphaba was on her feet in a second. Anger, shame, and grief flashing in hazy brown eyes. "Do not speak of such things that you know _nothing_ about! I will _not_ stand by idle as you demean me for an action I took out of fear! I regret what I did more than anyone could ever know! I've paid for that sin ten times over and will continue to pay for it for the rest of my life without the need for you to criticize me!"

Madame Morrible stood still. Her mouth opened and closed slightly in shock for a few moments until she could collect herself. "Calm yourself Miss Elphaba. Or do you intend to throw me back with your magick too?"

Elphaba closed her eyes, taking deep breaths, and sat back down. Once she had calmed down enough to be civil again she opened her eyes and nodded slightly to inform the Headmistress that she was back in control of her emotions.

Morrible sighed. "This last course of actions cannot go unpunished. You attacked _and_ injured a professor. I cannot turn a blind eye to that."

"Madame, please," Elphaba begged as she began to ramble. "I didn't mean to do that but he… he hit me! And I had a very bad night. I know I shouldn't have gone to class… I wasn't in the right frame of mind. But I've missed so much already, and exams are almost upon us! I didn't want to miss another class. Had he not singled me out I would've been fine!"

"I was told that you provoked him," Morrible said. "That you criticized his teaching methods."

"Well… I did. But if you had heard what he was saying!"

"Miss Elphaba… you are not above the professors of this school. Regardless of what you think."

"I don't think I'm above anyone!" Elphaba was on her feet again. "I just can't let someone treat me like shit! Not anymore!"

"I'm glad that you have decided to stand up for yourself Miss Elphaba. But attacking a professor is _not _the way to go about doing that."

"Madame… you don't understand!"

Madame Morrible laid a hand on Elphaba's shoulder and gently pushed the green girl back in to the chair. "Whether I understand or not is not the point here. You attacked a professor and you must face the consequences. This _is_ grounds for expulsion."

Elphaba's face twisted in to an expression of shock and then horror. "You can't cast me out!" Her voice cracked as she tried to suppress the wave of sobs that had taken her over. "I have no where to go! My father will not take me! You wouldn't actually send someone of my age out in to the world without anything but the clothes on their back… would you?"

"Peace Miss Elphaba," Morrible said as she held up a hand to silence the frantic green child before her. "I have no intention of expelling you."

Elphaba let out a sigh of relief and seemed to slump in to her chair. "Thank you," she whispered.

"Don't thank me just yet." Morrible frowned, dropping her hand and turning around so that she did not have to face Elphaba. "Your punishment, instead, shall be twenty lashes to the back and a written, formal, apology to be sent to the professor you attacked. I will also be writing to your father to explain to him what you have done."

A strangled sob escaped Elphaba's throat and Madame Morrible found that even her heart ached at the sound of the crying child behind her. She hadn't meant to use corporal punishment on the already mentally fragile Elphaba but she couldn't ignore the rules any longer.

Elphaba Thropp had to face the consequences.

"A man will have to be sent for to administer the lashes," Morrible whispered. "It should take no more than a day or two for him to arrive. In the meantime, I suggest you begin writing your apology."

With those parting words Madame Morrible turned and fled from the small office. Elphaba never even noticed as she sat, slumped over, in the chair. Her hands had come up to cover her face as sobs wracked her body. She couldn't believe that her punishment would be lashes.

Lashes.

She fell from her chair; curling in on herself on the floor. Her shoulders shook as the skin on her face and hands burned with the tears she could not control. She wanted nothing more then to leave this place, this torturous school, but she knew that that could not happen. She had no where to go, no where to be… no one to become.

Elphaba took some solace from the fact that she could still cry.

--

**_Author's Note: _**_I have hit over 50 reviews. :) Yah! Thanks to all who have reviewed so far and thanks to all that will review in the future. And just to say…__ I am currently working on Ch. 39 with still more to come after that. So the end is still pretty far away but we are approaching it, though slowly. And yes, I have written the final chapter of this story but I do have a sequel planned. So though this story may end the tale will continue to grow._


	34. Of Punishment And Comfort

_**Author's Note: **This chapter and the following two chapters (Ch. 34 to 36) occur directly after each other to total about a day/a day in a half of the timeline. I just wanted to make it clear because these three chapters are more like one continuous chapter…__ which is why I have uploaded them all at once… they just felt like they should be separated during the writing process so separate them I did.  
_

_--_

_Elphaba took some solace from the fact that she could still cry._

--

**Chapter Thirty-Four: Of Punishment and Comfort**

Fiyero didn't know what to expect when he was awoken by the sound of soft knocking on the door to his private dorm room but a shaking, crying, blood-stained Elphaba had _not_ been it.

"I… I didn't know… where… else to go," she whispered between her hiccupping sobs as she kept her eyes adverted to the ground.

Fiyero gently grabbed a green wrist and pulled the shivering form of his friend in to his room and closed the door behind her. "What happened?" he asked, concern flooding his system, as he led her to his bed and sat her down.

"Twe… twenty lashes." Her eyes were still downcast. "Pu… punishment for… when I… attacked that… professor." She brushed at her eyes with the back of her sleave but the salty tears could not be stopped.

"They whipped you?" Fiyero was in shock. "Is that even legal?"

Elphaba shrugged but the small action caused her to hiss in pain as it pulled on the fresh wounds on her back. "I ne… never asked."

"You didn't even question if what they were doing was legal?" Fiyero's voice was coloured with disgust at what the school, what Madame Morrible, had forced Elphaba to endure. "Not to mention how unethical it is!"

"It… it's nothing I… I've never de… dealt with… before."

Fiyero buried his head in his hands as he sat down beside the distraught green girl. "That's not the point," he muttered. "When will you realize that you are worth more then this?"

"When… one has been… raised as… as… dirt… they no long… longer hold… hope for… for anything a… above that."

Fiyero groaned. "It's too early to deal with this," he muttered.

"If… if you… want me to… go… I… I can."

Fiyero shook his head slightly and looked over to the green girl sitting beside him. "No… don't go. I didn't mean it like that. It… it's just that you're a little more… complicated of a person then Galinda. I'm not used to that."

"I… I'm sorry… I… should… should not… have come… here." Elphaba made to stand up but Fiyero grabbed her arm and prevented her from moving.

"Here, let me see your back."

Elphaba shook her head, still keeping her eyes averted from Fiyero. "There's… nothing you… can… do… I do… don't have my… oils with me."

"Stay here," Fiyero said as he stood up. He disappeared in to the adjoining bathroom and then reappeared moments later with a few cloths, a bowl, and a small glass container. "Sit on the bed… all the way," he instructed. "And here." He handed her one of the smaller cloths he had and she took it without complaint.

Elphaba shifted herself so she sat, cross-legged, on Fiyero's bed as she pressed the cloth against her face to try and dry her tears and prevent anymore burns from collecting on her skin. Sobs still shook her shoulders as Fiyero placed himself behind her.

"You… you know I can… cannot touch… water," she choked out.

"Don't worry," Fiyero said as he slowly undid the back of Elphaba's dress, pulled it off her shoulders, and let it fall to her waist. A sharp intake of breath was the only sign of his horror at the sight he saw.

Long, angry red welts, some open and some barely staying closed, decorated her back in various criss-crossing patterns. "It's only oil," Fiyero explained as he opened the glass bottle and poured it's contents in to the bowl.

"You… just happen to… to have… cleaning oils when… when you have… no use for… for them?"

"I bought them not long ago," Fiyero explained. "When I first learned of your strange water reaction. You know, just incase."

"Just… just incase?" Elphaba's voice, though still quiet and weak, betrayed her skepticism.

Fiyero sighed and choose not to reply. He slowly dipped a cloth in to the oil and then squeezed out the excess. As gently as he could he wiped away the blood that had dried on Elphaba's back, trying not to get any of the stinging oil in the open welts. Small hisses of pain escaped the green girl's mouth and she found herself clenching the bed sheets in her hands in an attempt to distract herself from the pain.

After a few painstakingly slow minutes passed by Fiyero had completed his cleansing of Elphaba's back. He gently wiped off the remaining oil with a dry cloth and Elphaba shrugged her dress back on.

"I… I should… go," Elphaba stammered out. "Be… before I… I'm caught here. If… if Ga… Galinda knew she… would have… a… a fit."

Fiyero set the bowl and cloths on the ground and then returned is attention to Elphaba. "You're shivering still," he said.

"I… I'm just… cold."

Fiyero shook his head, wrapping his arms around Elphaba's waist and pulling her towards him. "You're exhausted. You shouldn't be walking around."

"I… I'm… fine," she replied but yet she made no attempt to pull away from the Vinkus prince.

"You've lost too much blood. You could faint."

Elphaba shifted slightly and let Fiyero support her full body weight as her back met his chest. Her head nestled in to the crook between his shoulder and arm. "This… this is… wrong," she muttered. Her eyes fluttered closed as she relaxed in to Fiyero and fought, weakly, against the unconsciousness creeping up on her.

"I'm just being a friend," Fiyero whispered. "And you know that."

"Ga… Galinda wo… won't under… understand." Elphaba's shoulders still shook with the force of her sobs but Fiyero's warm embrace and comforting voice was slowly settling the green girl's nerves.

"Galinda's being ridiculous right now. What she doesn't know won't hurt her."

"I… I don't like lying to… to her."

Fiyero sighed. "It's not lying. It's… it's just omitting the truth."

"That… that's a… a form of lying."

Fiyero wiped away the few tears that were still managing to escape from under Elphaba's shut eyelids. "You made the choice to come to me for help."

"Put… putting the… blame on… me?" Elphaba laughed; a sad, desperate laugh. "I never… thought that… that you of… all people… would do… that."

"That's not what I mean," Fiyero said. "And you know that."

Elphaba shrugged slightly. "How… how would… I know that? I… don't even… know how… how to… avoid… avoid getting… beaten on… a… a regular basis."

"Elphaba, why don't we just let that subject drop for now?" Fiyero suggested.

"It… it hurt today," Elphaba murmured. Her eyes fluttered open and for the first time since arriving at Fiyero's doorstep the green girl actually looked at the Vinkus prince. "More… more than… than usual… it… it makes me… wonder if… if I… I'm getting… weaker."

"You're not weak."

Elphaba closed her eyes again. "Say… saying that does… doesn't make… it… true."

"And believing yourself as weak doesn't make it true either." Fiyero hugged Elphaba closer to him as he shuffled backwards slightly so that he could rest against the wall his bed was pushed against.

"I… I should… shouldn't be… here."

"You've already said that." Fiyero pulled his blanket over Elphaba to try and help warm the cold, shivering green girl.

"I… I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You have nothing to be sorry for."

Elphaba shifted positions so she was laying more on her side, taking pressure off of her injured back. She settled her head even further in to the surprisingly comfortable crook between Fiyero's shoulder and arm. "Do you… think Ga… Galinda will… ever for… forgive me?"

Fiyero noticed, with Elphaba's change of position, that blood still seeped from the opened wounds on her back and stained her dress. "She will. Just give her time," he whispered as his own tears threatened to choke his voice. He hugged the still shivering Elphaba even closer to him as pity swelled inside the pit of his stomach.

"If… if she knew I… I was here… with you…" Elphaba shuddered as a sudden chill crawled up her spine. "If… she saw us… like… like this… she would ne… never for… forgive me."

"That wouldn't be your fault Elphaba… that would be hers."

Elphaba nodded slightly. "Thank… thank you for… helping even… even though Ga… Galinda is… angry at me."

Fiyero's face distorted in to a grimace of disgust at what Galinda's cruel actions had done to affect the fragile green girl in his arms. "Don't thank me," he whispered. "This is what true friends do."


	35. Of Comfort And Tears

**_Author's Warning: _**_Implied self-mutilation and mentions of former child abuse._

--

"_Don't thank me," he whispered. "This is what true friends do."_

--

**Chapter Thirty-Five: Of Comfort and Tears**

_She stood there, staring at the deft red strokes across the floor and the way her sister gasped as she struggled to breathe, feeling her heart leap and fall as she blinked rapidly. All she could think about is how her sister used to hold her hand as they crossed the street, their father pushing the small chair with wheels from behind._

Elphaba woke with a start and a small scream. Something was holding her down and in her incoherent half-awake state she instantly began to panic. She struggled to free herself but she found herself too weak and too exhausted to escape whatever was seemingly trapping her.

Her panic was now swallowing her mind.

"Elphaba," a voice whispered in to her ear. "Elphaba, please… calm down."

The green girl instantly stopped her struggling. "Fiyero?" she questioned, still only partly awake.

Fiyero relaxed his hold around Elphaba's waist just slightly. "It's me," he replied. "Do you remember why you're here?"

Elphaba closed her eyes briefly. "I… I came here after… after my punishment," she whispered, letting herself relax back in to Fiyero's chest.

The tension in the Vinkus prince's body dissipated and Elphaba furrowed her brow in concern. "You thought I wouldn't remember," she whispered.

"Something's going on with you," Fiyero said. "You're not yourself at all. I didn't know what to expect when you woke up."

Elphaba shuddered and tried to pull away from Fiyero but the prince wouldn't let her go. He was too concerned for her health, too worried that she would try to hurt herself, to let her go.

"Fiyero?" Elphaba questioned, grabbing a hold of his arms around her and trying to pull herself free.

The Vinkus prince let go of Elphaba's waist but instantly grabbed hold of the green girl's right arm and gently pushed the sleeve up. "I noticed these," Fiyero said softly. "Do you have some sort of planned excuse, some sort of lie, to explain where they came from?"

Elphaba turned her head away and tried, weakly, to pull her arm free from Fiyero's grasp. She couldn't look at what she had done to herself. She couldn't look at her own failures. Each scar was a reminder of her mistakes, of her shame, of her pitiful existence.

"How long? How long have you been hurting yourself for?"

"I dreamed of my sister's death," Elphaba muttered, knowing she was desperately trying to change the subject. "I saw… saw her crawling. Crawling like a dog! All bloody and torn. She was crying… pleading… for me to save her."

Fiyero sighed and let Elphaba's arm go. The green girl moved away from the Vinkus prince, to the further end of the bed, and sat with her back resting against the wall. She closed her eyes and pulled the sleeve down on her dress. Her back protested against the wall touching it but Elphaba ignored the pain.

"You're afraid of losing Nessa," Fiyero said. "That's why you dreamed what you did."

"I felt no remorse for her death."

"It was a dream Elphaba, nothing more. And stop trying to change the subject." Fiyero shifted slightly, slowly bringing himself closer to the shivering green girl.

"There's nothing more to say."

"You could tell me why."

"I could tell you a lot of things." Elphaba's voice was bitter, angry. "But I doubt you would want to know the details."

"If it would help you heal I would listen to anything you had to say."

"You wouldn't be able to stomach it."

"It's not that you think I can't stomach it." Fiyero moved even closer to Elphaba and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. He pulled her close to him and she rested her head in the grove between his shoulder and neck. "You don't trust me enough to tell me your past, do you?"

"I don't want to put my pain on someone else."

"No… you don't think yourself worth enough to _not_ feel that pain."

"Can't we just let it drop?"

"Elphaba." Fiyero pulled the blanket over the green girl to try and keep her frail body warm. "You deal with your emotional pain by physically hurting yourself… I can't let that drop. I can't just ignore something like that."

"It's not your place to help me."

"It has to be someone's."

Elphaba bit her bottom lip and looked up at Fiyero. "It shouldn't be you."

Fiyero looked away from the hollow, grief-filled eyes of Elphaba and sighed. "Well, you're not exactly doing a superb job of helping yourself."

"I never said I was."

"You acknowledge you're in pain, you know you can't fix it on your own… yet you refuse to let anyone else help you."

Fiyero felt wetness on his shoulder and he turned to look at Elphaba to find that she had buried her head in to his clothes and was crying softly. "Fabala… look… please don't cry."

Elphaba stiffened. "What did you call me?" Her voice was muffled by Fiyero's clothes.

"Fabala," Fiyero repeated. "You are named after Saint Aelphaba of the Waterfall, aren't you?"

"Yes."

"Then that's the common nickname, is it not?"

Elphaba nodded slightly. "I don't like it though."

"Why is that?"

"My father used to call me Fabala."

Fiyero grimaced. "I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"It doesn't matter."

"I think it matters more than you let on." He hugged her closer, trying to warm her up but it seemed to be a useless attempt.

"You think everything matters."

"It must if you have taken to hurting yourself."

"It's not a new occurrence." Elphaba's voice fell to a whisper as she untangled herself from Fiyero's clothes and wiped away her tears with the back of her sleeve. "I've done it for most of my life."

"So… does it serve as more of a habit now then any actual… whatever it first served as?" Fiyero was honestly just curious. Concerned, yes, but also curious. He had never met someone who used physical pain to deal with their emotions and he wondered what it could possibly do to help a person.

Elphaba shifted her position so she laid more against Fiyero then against the wall. "I wouldn't expect you to understand."

"I never said I would."

"Why must you always push me so?"

"Because you need to talk."

"You just think I need to talk."

"You've said yourself you need help."

"Doesn't mean I need help right now… from you."

"I think you do."

"I don't think you're right."

"I don't think you're in any mental place to be determining whether you need help or not."

Elphaba pulled away from Fiyero. "What is that suppose to mean?"

"You're not yourself." Fiyero sighed. "I've told you that already."

"I'm fine."

"You said yourself when you first came here that the… the lashes hurt more than they should have." Fiyero grabbed a green hand in his own and squeezed it gently. "And I saw what you did to Avaric. Which, let me tell you, he deserved. But something happened the night before you attacked that professor. Something that's made you act not like yourself."

"There's nothing for me to say about that night."

"Avaric said you were weird, almost like you were unconscious but yet still walking around. What was going on? Were you on drugs?"

Elphaba's eyes widened in shock as she tore her hand from Fiyero's grasp. "No!" Her voice was raised in disbelief and anger. "I would never do… do drugs!"

"I wouldn't put it past you."

"I'm not that lost in my pain!"

Fiyero closed his eyes. "Can you be sure about that?"

There was no response and Fiyero opened is eyes to find that Elphaba had turned her head away. She was still shivering and Fiyero was beginning to worry that there was more to Elphaba's shakes then just coldness. "You've been shaking since you came here," Fiyero observed.

Elphaba shrugged slightly. "I can't remember when I last ate. That might be why," she replied in a soft, almost none existent, voice.

"That's not healthy."

"Nothing I do is healthy Fiyero. It's not a priority in my life."

"I'm beginning to wonder what exactly _is_ the priority in your life."

Elphaba brushed at her eyes. "I don't want to talk anymore."

"But you need to." Fiyero shifted forward and put a hand on Elphaba's shoulder. As gently as he could he pushed her down until she was laying on the bed and then he laid down behind her.

"I'm tired." Elphaba didn't fight against Fiyero as he shifted her in to a more comfortable position for the both of them.

"I know." Fiyero pulled the blanket over them, wrapping it more around the shivering Elphaba then himself. "But you can't keep running away from your pain."

"I'm not running away." Elphaba relaxed in to the prince's body and let him drape his arm over her waist.

"I believe hurting yourself to escape reality can be labeled as a form of running away."

"My father used to pour water on me."

Fiyero stiffened as a small gasp of horror escaped his mouth. "He _what_!" he asked in disbelief.

"You said I should talk." Elphaba's voice was a mere whimper. "He used… used to… light me on… fire. Then he… would pour… water on me. You know… to put out the flames."

"He actually did that?"

"I have scars from it. On… on my stomach mostly. If you don't believe me I can show you."

Fiyero shook his head. "I believe you," he whispered as he hugged Elphaba even closer to him.

"He used to–"

"Are you telling me this because you want to or because you feel like you have to?" Fiyero interrupted.

"You said I should. Or do you not want to hear?"

"I might not want to hear but if you need to talk then I'll listen."

Elphaba shuddered and Fiyero held her even closer to his body to try and comfort her. "He used to… to lock me in the cellar." A small whimper escaped her throat and she had to close her eyes against the flood of tears that threatened to spill down her face. "There were… no windows. I was down there for… for days at a time. He never… fed me when I was… there. He… used to give me… water. I… think it was… some sort of… joke on… his part."

"Why would he do that?"

Elphaba shrugged, sinking even further in to Fiyero's warm body. "For… for silly things mostly. Some… sometimes when I did… didn't do things right. If I did… didn't wash the… the clothes fast enough. Or… make dinner right. Or if… if Nessa was… upset."

"He made you wash the clothes? But wouldn't that burn you?"

Elphaba nodded. "Yes. It… it was awfully painful back then. I… I guess it was a blessing in disguise though."

"What do you mean?"

"Well… now I can handle the… the pain more. Water still burns me as it always has but… but I can deal with… with the pain very well if… if need be."

"I see," Fiyero muttered. "The cellar. How… how often did he lock you down there?"

"A… a couple times a month. I… I think. Maybe more."

"You said that if Nessa was upset he would lock you down there, why?"

"Nessa… Nessa's happiness was my… my responsibility." Elphaba's shoulders began to shake as barely suppressed sobs racked her body. "From… from the moment she was born my… my father saw fit to use… use me for… for _something_. So I had to… to take care of Nessa. If she was… upset… or hurt... or anything was wrong with her at all then… then it was my fault. Always."

"You can cry Elphaba," Fiyero whispered. "There's no shame in that."

The green girl nodded slightly but still she kept her tears in check as much as she could. Crying, to her, was a weakness. "There were… no windows in that damn cellar."

"You've said that already."

"It… it made me claustrophobic."

"It did?"

Elphaba was shaking violently now and Fiyero was beginning to realize that the green girl's shivering was not related to the coldness of the air or the lack of food she had eaten. She shook depending on what level her emotional pain was currently at.

"I… I know it… it's pathetic." Elphaba buried her head in to the sheets of Fiyero's bed to try and still the tears she desperately wanted to shed.

"It's not anything near pathetic," Fiyero said, trying to comfort the green girl. "It's only natural that such abuse would cause you to become claustrophobic."

"It… it happened… years ago. I… I should be… over it by… by now."

"Look, your fa–"

"When I was eleven he locked me in the shed behind our house." Her words came out rushed as she tried to tell her tale before the tears tore her voice from her. "He set it on fire. I… I nearly burned to death."

"Did he pour water on you to save you?" Fiyero cautiously asked, making sure to keep his voice low and soothing. He didn't want to hear the answer but he knew that Elphaba had to tell him. He knew he had to listen, had to care.

For Elphaba's sake.

"No…" Elphaba's breath hitched in her throat and for a few long minutes she could not find her voice to speak. "I… I had to…" She took a deep, almost choking, gasp of air and then plunged on in a frantic whisper. "…to jump in to the lake to put out the flames that covered me." Her voice broke on the last word and her eyes snapped opening; widening in horror at the memory of the burning shed. The flames on her skin had hurt but she remembered how that fiery pain had been no match to the pain the water had brought her.

She began to whimper like a lost child. "He… he wanted me to… to die," she choked out. "I did… didn't. Just to… to spite him. I… made… made myself live. I… I wanted to… piss him off."

"He didn't think you would have the strength to go in to the water, did he?"

"I… wasn't go… going to… let him win."

Fiyero sighed, taking a hold of a green hand and squeezing it gently for support. "Do you want to continue?"

"Not… not right now."

"Then… do you want me to just hold you?"

Elphaba squeezed her eyes tightly shut and sniffled slightly. "I… I wa… want to… cry."

"Then cry," Fiyero whispered. "No one will judge you here."


	36. The Loss Of Love Unattained

"_Then cry," Fiyero whispered. "No one will judge you here."_

--

**Chapter Thirty-Six: The Loss of Love Unattained**

"Elphaba," Fiyero whispered as he held the green girl tightly against his chest. "There's something I have to say."

"Don't talk." Elphaba closed her eyes, burying herself even further underneath Fiyero's bedding to try and warm herself.

"I have to–"

"Just for a minute," Elphaba whispered. "Please."

Fiyero nodded and then fell silent. There were no words spoken. Just closeness, warmth, trust, and a deep understanding. Which is why Elphaba wanted to take in the moment hungrily, trying to keep every detail fresh in her mind. She knew that as soon as Fiyero opened his mouth to speak again the moment would be lost to them.

Lost forever.

"You can talk now," Elphaba muttered. She knew what Fiyero wanted to say and she knew that his words would crush this closeness they had shared for the last day or so.

"I need you to know," Fiyero said. "I… I need you to understand that this relationship… this friendship… is just that. A friendship. I love you… but just not in that sense. I want to protect you. I want to help you. I want to see you heal. I love you like… like you were my sister."

"I know."

"But you don't feel that way about me, do you?"

Elphaba shook her head slightly. "I love you Fiyero. In _that_ sense."

"I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to lead you on like this."

"You're not."

"We're lying, together, in my bed. If that isn't leading someone on then I don't know what is."

Elphaba shuddered, a shiver crawling up her spine. "I know your intentions Fiyero. I know you love Galinda. I take all your actions as nothing more than that of a friend. I pretend sometimes… pretend you love me back. But that is nothing more than a lie and I know that."

"You shouldn't delude yourself like that." Fiyero pulled the blanket tighter around Elphaba as he noticed her shivering was getting worse.

"I've spent my whole life deluding myself in to thinking I was someone else… in some other place. Why should I change that now?"

"Because this is love we're playing with. And… and I don't want to accidentally break your heart."

"Don't worry… you already have."

--

_**Author's Note: **This is the end of the three-chapters-that-probably-should-have-just-been-one-chapter thingy that I probably just confused you all with. Now on to the next chapters where I vaguely hint at a proper timeline because I really don't have any clue what the timeline truly is in this story since I suck at timing and/or pacing my writing properly. Go me?_


	37. Of Thoughts And True Feelings

_"Don't worry… you already have."_

--

**Chapter Thirty-Seven: Of Thoughts and True Feelings**

Elphaba sat on the cliff's edge above Suicide Canal. Her legs dangled in the air and she knew, that at any moment, the dirt she was sitting on could crumble away and send her tumbling to her death in the watery grave below.

She didn't really care.

She knew now that she would never be able to walk herself in to the river below. She knew now that wishing to jump in to the deadly water was not a rational thought, was not reality. She knew, deep down, that her ability to judge reality had been shattered by her own emotional torment and mental anguish. Elphaba Thropp knew that her perception of reality was abnormal, shattered, skewed. She knew that if she did ever walk herself in to the river, or drink too much alcohol, or hang herself from the ceiling, or delve in to her wrists a little too deep, that there would be a list of people who would be devastated. A small list perhaps, but people just the same. She wondered where her reality had gone. Where had her ability to _judge_ reality gone? It no longer exited.

It was a terrifying place.

She was going through life now as if she wasn't herself. It seemed like she was watching her life as if she was watching a play of some sort; as if it wasn't really happening to her. She could see when her actions and her thoughts were incorrect. She could tell when her rationalizations were becoming farther and farther removed from reality.

But she could do nothing to stop it.

Elphaba hugged her legs to her chest, resting her chin on her knees, and watched the river swirling below. She felt guilty. But then, she found herself always feeling guilty. If something had ever gone wrong at home, if her father was mad or Nessa was upset, it was her fault. She should've washed the dishes faster – despite how much the water burned her – she should've sung to Nessa for longer – despite how tired she was. She couldn't tell if her guilt had been something she created herself or something her father had beat in to her.

Now she felt guilty for her fight with Galinda. She felt… no… she knew it was her fault. She had been the one to fall for Fiyero. She had been the one to open her big mouth. It was her fault, not Galinda's. She was in the wrong, not Galinda.

She hated Nessa right now; she hated Galinda right now. She hated them both for abandoning her and leaving her to her own tormented mind. But she knew it wasn't really hate she was feeling… it was anger. And it wasn't really Nessa or Galinda she was made at. It was displaced anger… anger that was really directed at herself. And, in truth, it wasn't anger at all. It was guilt. She should've known what her mistakes would've done to them. She should've known that aborting her pregnancy would push Nessa away. She should've known that her love for Fiyero was wrong and would push Galinda away. She should've known what her mistakes would do and she should've been able to avoid them… fix the problems before they even started.

Yet some part of her brain, a small logical part that still remained, was telling her that it wasn't her fault. They were all young adults, they were her family and friends. They should be able to forgive her of her mistakes and let them all get on with life. Her logical mind was trying to tell her that this wasn't really her fault at all.

"So why do I feel so damn guilty and angry about it all?" she whispered to the wind.

Suddenly she was on her hands and knees. Her small, pitiful breakfast that she had managed to eat was now being carried away by the raging river below her. Her body was shaking again and she was becoming seriously worried that something was terribly wrong with her health. She could not remember ever taking any sort of drugs or poisons since the pennyroyal but that did not mean she hadn't. Fiyero had asked her if she was positive she was in control of her pain enough to not take any drugs and she hadn't been able to provide a true answer.

She no longer could be sure if she really was in as much control of her emotional pain as she liked to think she was. She was beginning to doubt whether she remembered everything she had done in the past few weeks and that thought frightened her. A lot.

The whole idea of death had never seemed so intimidating to Elphaba. That is, until now, when she feared that her death was staring her straight in the eyes.

She stayed on her hands and knees, dry heaving, for more time then she cared to count. Eventually her body deemed that it had expelled all of the food it could and began to settle itself down.

Elphaba still shook.

"Miss Elphaba?" a voice quietly spoke up from behind the green girl.

The green girl wiped her mouth, stood up, and turned around the face the strange voice. "Oh, it's just you Boq," she whispered as she laid eyes on the Munchkin.

"Miss Nessarose asked me to give this to you," the shy boy said with a small smile as he held out a present towards the green girl. "She misses you more than she would like to say."

Elphaba frowned as she took the present and let out a deep breath as she felt her anger, grief, and guilt beginning to subside.

"Happy birthday Miss Elphaba," Boq said with a smile and a bow before turning around and disappearing.

"Birthday?" Elphaba muttered quietly. "It's my birthday?"


	38. The Lonely Birthday

"_Birthday?" Elphaba muttered quietly. "It's my birthday?"_

--

**Chapter Thirty-Eight: The Lonely Birthday**

The two presents sat, mocking and accusing, on her brown bed sheets. Elphaba sighed at the empty room and laid the present Boq had given her beside the two presents that sat on her bedding. She flopped down on her bed and pushed the three presents underneath her pillow where she couldn't see them.

She couldn't believe it was her birthday.

A frown creased her face as she pulled both a notebook and a book on the History of Quadling Country out of her schoolbag. In a few moments she had scribbled down multiple notes in her neat cursive but she found that her concentration was lost to her.

Eventually her curiosity could not be pushed aside and Elphaba found herself sitting on her bed with the three presents before her. She picked up a present wrapped in blue and white paper that had a simple card with it stating no more than that it was from Fiyero. She smiled slightly as she carefully unwrapped the paper and placed it on the nearby nightstand. Underneath the wrapping was a leather-bound book with no title. As Elphaba slowly perused the book she realized that it seemed to be about the history of traditional sorcery and practical, but not dangerous, uses of the magickal talent.

Setting the book aside Elphaba moved on to the present wrapped in bright pink, sparkling paper. There was no card stating from whom the present came from but Elphaba had a good guess that it came from Galinda. The pink gave it away.

Elphaba unwrapped the present, setting the wrapping paper on the nightstand with the other paper, and looked at the long, rectangle box with curiosity. She a took a deep breath before removing the lid and finding a long pair of deep purple velvet gloves. She slowly pulled one out to see the full length of the gloves and realized that they would go up to her elbows.

A present to protect from the coming rain season. Elphaba smiled at Galinda's thoughtfulness and then suddenly realized exactly what the gloves were meant for. They were the exact same colour as the dress that Galinda had bought her all that time ago to replace the one that Avaric and those boys has ruined.

_So she does remember, _Elphaba thought to herself with a soft smile. _She does care._

Elphaba sighed as she replaced the gloves in their box and set them aside with the book Fiyero had gotten her. She then picked up the last present; the tiny present wrapped in dull black paper that Boq had given her.

The present from her sister.

She opened it slowly and carefully, folding the black paper up and setting it neatly on the nightstand. She returned her attention to the present and quietly lifted the lid off of the tiny wood box.

Within laid a small, irregular circle – almost like an oblong miniature plate – of glass tinged a slight green colour. It sat on carefully folded, dark red velvet, fabric placed for cushion and protection.

Elphaba's breath hitched in her throat; she recognized the present. It was the looking glass that she had been given as a child by the man she vaguely remembered but could not name. She could feel the tears springing to her eyes. It was the small toy, the only toy, she had had as a child and she still remembered the day that she had decided to give it to Nessarose as a present.

"Nessa," Elphaba whispered to the silent, cold air. "What does this mean?"


	39. Of Friendships And Philosophy

"_Nessa," Elphaba whispered to the silent, cold air. "What does this mean?" _

--

**Chapter Thirty-Nine: Of Friendships and Philosophy **

"They got me presents."

Boq looked up from his book as Elphaba seemed to appear from no where and sat down across from him at the café table. "Who?" the Munchkin questioned, returning his gaze to his reading.

"Nessa and Galinda," Elphaba answered, pulling off her new purple gloves and calling the waitress over with a wave of her hand.

"So?"

"They're both not talking to me."

Boq looked up from his book and raised an eyebrow in question. "Still?" he asked. "I'm surprised they haven't caved, Miss Galinda especially."

"Besides you and Fiyero, they're the only other friends I have. For Oz's sake, Nessa's my own sister!" Elphaba's voice became enraged with a sudden, impulsive anger.

"Calm down," Boq stated as the waitress approached the table. "A warmed milk for the lady please," Boq told her and the waitress nodded before quickly disappearing in to the kitchen.

"I just don't understand. I mean, well… Nessa I can sort of see. What I did was wrong, it was a sin… but still… hasn't it been long enough? Does she think I've never repented, never asked for forgiveness?"

"Have you?" Boq asked, keeping his eyes glued on Elphaba's.

The green girl looked away, her hands twisting around each other. "I've tried Boq… don't get me wrong. I really have tried it's just that… that I've found it hard. You know I don't really believe in the Unnamed God but… but I _have_ tried."

"Then you can do no more. Miss Nessarose will forgive you in time, when she is ready. You can do no more to change her mind and the decision is now on her shoulders."

"But she must know that I feel awful for what I did, doesn't she?"

Boq shrugged. "I have no idea."

"But you're around her the most!" Elphaba's voice became slightly squeaky with fear at the prospect that perhaps her sister would never understand. "You must know!"

"Miss Elphaba, calm down," Boq said as he took the offered drink from the waitress and placed it in front of the frantic green girl. "Take a drink, the warmth will calm you down."

Elphaba nodded, wrapping her slightly shaking hands around the thin cardboard, and raised the cup to her mouth. She took a small sip before placing the cup back on the table; she left her hands wrapped around it for the comforting warmth it provided her.

"It's just that… that I don't want to lose her. You know how little of a relationship I have with my father, and my mother's dead. She's the only one of the family that I ever got along with."

"You only got along with her because you took care of her," Boq stated. "And that made you feel like you were worth something."

Elphaba frowned in thought. "Perhaps… but still. Her relationship is important to me, I don't want to lose it."

"It's not your choice anymore," Boq said, finally closing his book and setting it aside. "You've made your decisions and you've tried to fix your mistakes. It's up to Miss Nessarose now and you can do nothing more. It's useless to fret over what you can't control."

Elphaba sighed. "I suppose your right," she said as she took another sip from her drink. "But what of Galinda? Her I don't understand at all! I mean, it's true that I might have feelings for Fiyero but I would _never_ act on them! Can't she see that? Besides, Fiyero would never look at me as anymore than a friend. I'm just not that girl."

"I can't offer you any advice when it comes to Miss Galinda. She confuses me as much as she confuses you."

"Do you still love her?"

Boq sighed. "Yes. But I know now that she would never give me a second glance. To her I'm no more than a simple-minded Munchkin and nothing I could ever do would change her mind."

"Doesn't that hurt?" Elphaba leaned forward on the table, finding herself incredibly interested in Boq's response.

"It did," Boq said. "And it still does sometimes but her small acknowledgements are enough for me now."

Elphaba sighed in despair. "We live in the same room and she hasn't even acknowledged my presences in a very long time."

"She gave you a present," Boq pointed out. "That shows that she must still care somewhat, if not a lot, about you."

"Then why won't she talk to me?"

Boq shrugged. "I can't answer that. Perhaps she feels threatened by you. Perhaps she's scared that you really will steal Fiyero from her."

"I would never do that!" Elphaba's eyes widened in horror. "I would never take Fiyero from her! Besides, he would never love me. I'm green for Oz's sake!"

"No one notices that anymore Miss Elphaba," Boq said nonchalantly. "No one but yourself."

"What do you mean by that? Of course people notice! How could they not?"

"When was the last time someone reacted in horror and surprise to your verdigris?" Boq asked.

Elphaba thought for a few moments and then shrugged. "I can't remember."

"Because it hasn't happened for a long time. Everyone you know here is used to your colouring now. The green skin isn't holding you back anymore, _you're_ holding yourself back now."

"I'm doing no such thing!"

"It's a defensive reaction," Boq tried to explain. "You do it without even realizing it. You'll never let yourself reach your full potential because you're afraid of getting hurt."

"I am not!'

Boq shrugged, again. "I can't blame you though. Growing up with that father of yours. He despises you so no wonder you've grown up knowing nothing besides the shielded walls you've built around yourself. Miss Galinda helped you break through a little but you have to do it yourself too."

Elphaba slammed her drink on the table, the hot liquid splashing out and landing all around her. "I don't think you understand at all Boq!" she said in heated anger before standing up and beginning to storm away.

"You're not the girl your parents wanted!" Boq called out after the retreating green form. "So now you have to find out who really are!"

Elphaba whirled around and stormed back to Boq. She slammed both her hands down on the table. "Just shut-up! You don't know one single thing about me or my parents! I'm not perfect but I'm not a disappointment to my family!"

Boq stood up. "You're a disappointment to your father! Whether you wish to acknowledge that or live in this deluded lie you've built around yourself is not anyone's problem but your own! And you're… you're afraid to face who you are," he whispered. "And that's why you fear facing this world alone. Your father hurt you but he also gave you a role to do, gave you a reason to keep on living." Boq sighed as he began to realize that no matter what he said Miss Elphaba would not believe him – she had lived within her shielded walls and false truths for too long to break free just yet.

"You're afraid of losing your sister and Miss Galinda," he continued, aware his words would fall on deaf ears but determined to try anyways. "You're afraid because they _are_ who you are, especially Miss Nessarose. Without her to care for you no longer have an identity, or a role, in your life anymore."

Elphaba's eyes flashed with anger and she bit her bottom lip so hard that it began to bleed. "You know nothing of what you speak," she hissed between clenched teeth before turning on her heels and storming out of the small café shop.

Boq sighed as he watched the retreating form of the angry, frustrated, and love-sick Elphaba storm down the sidewalk and out of sight.

"I see I've struck a cord," he whispered as he dropped a few coins on the table and grabbed the forgotten gloves to return to the green girl. "If it wasn't all true then why did you react so?"


	40. The Disaster, The Memories, The Panic

**_Author's Note: _**_This is the longest chapter I've written so far... sitting at a measly 7,124 words. So go get some snacks, maybe a drink to tie you over, and then enjoy the massive chapter!_

_**Author's Warning: **Avaric (need I say more?) and some mental angst and the such. A little mention of past child abuse (again). __Nothing **too **bad._

--

"_If it wasn't all true then why did you react so?"_

--

**Chapter Forty: The Disaster, The Memories, The Panic**

"Elphaba?"

The green girl looked up from where she sat, cross-legged, on the hard ground. She was in a small clearing, surrounded by old trees and thick underbrush. She was secluded, or at least, she had thought she was.

"If Galinda sees you here she'll freak out," Elphaba whispered, dropping her gaze back to the forest floor where she had slowly pulled out a large patch of grass.

The intruder sat down besides the sullen green girl. "It's Glinda now you know. The 'Ga' is silent," he said with a shrug. "And Glinda's jealousy isn't going to run my life."

"Maybe not yours Fiyero, but I still want to get her friendship back. If I can."

Fiyero sighed and joined in the 'pulling-grass-out-of-the-ground' game that Elphaba seemed to being using to distract herself. "I'm sorry about Doctor Dillamond," he whispered.

The green girl sniffled. "I can't believe he's gone."

"They say it was an accident."

Elphaba snorted in disgust. "Didn't you see? It was murder. A throat doesn't look like his did if you fall on a piece of glass. It only looks like that when someone is murdered."

"That's what I thought."

"It doesn't seem real."

"Well… you were the closes to him out of all of us."

"He was doing good things Fiyero," Elphaba whispered, her voice shaking with suppressed sobs. "Great things, _right_ things." She reached behind herself and grabbed a bottle. She pressed it to her lips and took a long swig of the liquid inside of it.

"Are you drinking… _alcohol_?" Fiyero's voice was laced with concern.

"What does it matter to you?" Her voice was bitter, angry.

"You're my friend Elphaba. I'm concerned."

"I'm fine," she muttered. "Perfectly peachy."

Fiyero sighed. "Ever since you and Galinda…" He sighed and shook his head slightly. "…I mean Glinda… had that fight you've been… well… I'm worried. You know that."

"I'm fine." She took another, longer, swig from the bottle in her hand.

"I'm just concerned."

"You don't need to be. I'm fine. I'm just… I'm just…" Elphaba trailed off and decided to best way to end her sentence was to simply take another drink.

Fiyero placed his hand on the bottle Elphaba was holding and gently pushed it away from her mouth. "You're not fine."

"I'm just… I'm just tired," she said with a resigned sigh. "And… and I miss her."

"Glinda?"

"Yes… and Nessa too. But maybe, maybe Galin– Glinda more." Elphaba shrugged as she tried to tug her bottle free from Fiyero's grasp but the Vinkus prince refused to let go. "She was my first true friend you know."

"She'll come to her senses soon enough," Fiyero said, tugging just hard enough to free the bottle from Elphaba's hand. "She's just a little threatened by you."

"Threatened?" Elphaba chuckled; a sad, lonely chuckle. "Boq said the very same thing but I can't fathom why. I'm just Elphaba. Just the green freak."

"You have strength in a way that Glinda doesn't believe she will ever have," Fiyero tried to explain; dumping the liquid out of the bottle and on to the ground. "She could never live like you, with the life you have. She depends too much on her popularity and her friendships to survive. You're more independent than I think Glinda could ever be."

Elphaba sent a deadly glare in Fiyero's direction as she watched the liquid in her bottle pour out on to the ground. "It took a lot for me to get that you know, I'm not of age."

"A chip on your shoulder," Fiyero said with a shrug, deciding not to mention the obvious change in subject. "You shouldn't have it anyways. Drinking at our age isn't good for us."

"You haven't lived the life I have."

"That I haven't but you have a chance now to break free… to be something more than what your father demeaned you down to."

"Boq talked of my father too," Elphaba murmured. "He's not a bad person. He has just always loved the Unnamed God over anyone else… especially me."

"That was his choice, not your fault."

"I'm green." Elphaba averted her eyes from Fiyero and studied her pile of up-rooted grass. "My father hated me for that very reason but when Nessa was born, her legs all tangled and weak from the Milkflowe–"

"I know," Fiyero interrupted. "Glinda told me of your secret." Fiyero shook his head in despair. "I can't believe, that after all these years, you still believe the bullshit your father spouted to you."

Elphaba's head snapped back to stare wide-eyed at the prince. "It's because I'm green that father made mother eat those Milkflowers! And it's because of them that Nessa can't walk! Of course it's my fault! Who else's would it be!"

Fiyero smiled sadly and reached up to wipe away the tears that had managed to sneak their way out of the corners of Elphaba's eyes. "Your father was the idiot who made your mother chew those Milkflowers. He was the one responsible for half of you."

"You don't understa –"

"Your mother gave birth to a green child," Fiyero interrupted. "You had no say in your own development. It was no wickedness on your own part that bore you green… I doubt it was even any wickedness on your parents' part. It was a cruel twist of fate that was no ones fault but fate's itself."

"It sounds so simple when you say it like that," Elphaba whispered, turning her head away to stare at the base of the trees around her.

"It _is_ that simple." Fiyero placed a cold hand on Elphaba's warm cheek and turned the green girl's face towards him. Their eyes locked and Elphaba's face turned a deep green in embarrassment. The prince frowned in concern. "What's wrong?" he asked quietly.

Elphaba closed her eyes. "I'm crying," she muttered.

"Everyone cries."

"Only the weak cry."

Fiyero's sharp intake of breath revealed his shock. "What?" he questioned in horror. "Is that another thing your bastard of a father ingrained in your mind?"

Elphaba nodded slightly, her eyes still tightly shut, and sniffled. "Please," she whispered, almost begged. "Stop calling him a bastard."

"He seems, from what I've seen and heard, very much deserving of the title." Fiyero's tone of voice was coloured in disgust and anger.

"He's not… he's just… his priorities weren't always where they should've been." Elphaba's voice was a mere choking sob as she attempted to control the tears and grief that were desperately trying to escape from her tightly wound shell.

"He abused you, he hurt you." Fiyero pulled the shaking, lithe frame of the green girl closer to him. "Do you think he truly deserves your forgiveness when even now his actions still haunt you?"

Elphaba shook her head slightly and pulled away from the Vinkus prince. She finally opened her eyes to be met with a tear-blurred vision of Fiyero. "Please… I don't want to talk anymore."

Fiyero nodded his understanding. His hand still laid on Elphaba's cheek and slowly she covered it with her own green hand. He pulled her closer until their faces were mere centimeters apart. She could feel his warm breath tickling her nose and she smiled slightly.

Their lips brushed lightly against each other.

Elphaba jerked back. Scrambling away from the man before her. "Fiyero!" she hissed. "What are you doing!"

The Vinkus prince stared at the green girl before him in horror. Horror directed at himself more than anyone else. "I'm… I'm sorry," he stammered. "I… I don't know what… what overcame me."

Elphaba struggled to a standing position with the help of a nearby tree. Her body was trembling in an uncontrolled animalistic fear that was slowly overtaking her. Her mind flashed back to a time not long ago when she had laid in a forest clearing much like this one with boys much like Fiyero doing much the same to her as what Fiyero had just tried.

"Get. A. Way." Elphaba growled, every syllable tinged with anger and fear.

"Elphaba…" Fiyero stood up, his eyes glistening with concern. "I didn't mean –"

"I'm not letting you rape me too!" she screamed, eyes wide with a fear so overpowering she felt herself at the very edge of her self-control.

Fiyero's face went pure white with shock and shame. "Elphaba… I would never… I would never do that! I thought… I thought that you–"

"Rape or not get away from me!" she screamed. "I don't need this! Not… not from you!"

"Elphaba… I didn't –"

"You love Galinda!" she screamed, forgetting the blonde's name change in her fear and anger. "And she loves you! You two are made for each other!" She was panting now, and breaking out in cold sweats that burned her skin. "Stop fucking with my heart! Stop playing games with my feelings! I can't take it, not anymore! Not now!"

"Elphaba, plea –"

Fiyero's words fell short as a loud, high-pitched scream pierced the air. Elphaba froze, eyes widening even more in a sudden fear that did not involve herself. "Galinda?" she whispered, laying questioning eyes on Fiyero. The prince nodded, recognizing the bubbly voice all too well.

And then Elphaba was gone. She disappeared in to the shadows of the forest as Fiyero desperately tried to follow her. Together they traced a path through thick underbrush as the screams for help from their blonde friend echoed around them. Within moments they both managed to break through the edge of the small forest and found themselves at Suicide Canal.

"Pfannee!" Elphaba shouted and the girl in question whirled around, tears spilling from her eyes.

"Glinda fell," she whispered, pointing a shaking hand in to the river. "She fell and we can't get to her!"

Elphaba cautiously made her way to the crumbling edge of the cliff. She peered down to see Glinda clutching desperately to a dead tree lodged in the river. The water rushed past the blonde and her terrifying screams for help were drown out by the sound of crashing waves.

"Galinda!" Elphaba shrieked, terror for her friend's life choking every fiber of her being.

Before anyone could even comprehend what was happening Elphaba was halfway down the muddy cliff face. Fiyero's eyes widened in shock. "Elphaba!" he screamed as he too began sliding down the cliff face to catch the green girl. "What are you doing! Get away from there!" he screamed; panting as adrenaline surged through him. "You can't go near the wa–"

Every person near, and there were quite a few students who had gathered to watch the scene unfold, stood stock still in shock. Elphaba had reached the riverbank and was now running across the raging river. Every time her foot touched water it instantly turned to ice until she no longer needed the footing. Within moments she had reached Glinda but the rushing water was spraying on to the green girl and burning every exposed part of her body. She couldn't grab a hold of Glinda without stretching through the spraying water and burning herself severely.

But she didn't have to. Fiyero was suddenly beside the green girl as he had followed behind her on the remains of her icy bridge. He reached through the water and grabbed a hold of Glinda's outstretched hand. With Fiyero holding on to Elphaba's hand for leverage the two of them managed to pull the shivering, exhausted form from the river's icy grasp. With both Elphaba and Fiyero propping her up Glinda managed to make it to the riverbank on Elphaba's icy bridge before collapsing, unconscious, to the ground.

Elphaba kneeled down to her friend's level. "Galinda?" she questioned. No response. "Galinda?" she tried again, shaking the blonde's shoulders slightly. But again, there was no response.

"She can't stay out here," Fiyero said as he eyed the cliff face they would have to climb.

"I know that!" Elphaba snapped, brushing a piece of wet hair off of Glinda's face. She could feel her skin burning from where water had managed to touch her but Elphaba didn't quite care.

Glinda was shivering.

The green girl picked up the lithe frame of the blonde and slowly stood up. Fiyero turned to look and frowned. "Here, let me take her," he said.

"I can handle her," Elphaba snipped. "I'm not weak."

"I'm not saying that." Fiyero let out a frustrated sigh. "Her wet clothes will burn you. Come on, let me take her."

Elphaba frowned but eventually relented, handing over the blonde with as much care as she could manage. "We have to get her somewhere warm and quick," Elphaba said.

Fiyero nodded. "Hey!" he called up to the students above them. "Look, it was pretty easy to slide down here but climbing back up is going to be near impossible without your guys' help!"

"Get the murdering Witch to do it!" someone called down and Fiyero sighed.

"She's not a witch," he replied. "And her magick isn't fully controlled yet. It would be easier if you guys could just make some sort of human chain to help pull us up."

"We're not helping the Witch!" another student called down. "Let her die down there! It's what she deserves for killing her own children!"

Fiyero could hear Elphaba's slow, deep breaths behind him and he had a sinking feeling that the green girl was slowly counting to ten in an attempt to control her emotions.

"Look! For Oz's sake just help us! Glinda's going to die if we don't get her warmed up!" Fiyero shouted, his anger and disgust at the students' treatment of Elphaba clearly evident in his tone of voice.

The students at the edge of the cliff face disappeared and scuffling could be barely heard above the roaring water. A few moments later a student began a slow descent down the muddy cliff. One hand was clamped tightly on to another student's hand above him and the other, free hand, was reaching downwards – reaching for a hand to grab. As the first student was lowered down a new one appeared at the cliff edge. The students had taken Fiyero's advice literally and had created a human chain to rescue their classmates.

When the first student of the human chain reached the bottom of the cliff Fiyero shifted his grip on Glinda in order to free a hand to grab on to the student's hand. Elphaba watched from her position near the river's edge as Fiyero struggled up the cliff with painstakingly slow progress. Eventually the human chain managed to hoist Fiyero and the unconscious Glinda out of the canal and the students all but disappeared.

Elphaba began to panic as time crept by and no one seemed to be coming down to help her.

At the top of the cliff face Fiyero's face was red with anger as he clutched Glinda tightly against his chest. "What do you mean you're not going back down for her!"

A student rubbed his temples in frustration. "She's a Witch! A green, murderous Witch!" he screamed. "Let her save herself! She's not our problem!"

"She's not a witch!" Fiyero screamed back, losing all semblance of control. "She's a human being and she deserves the same treatment as everyone else!

"I'll go down," Avaric suddenly spoke up. "Fiyero's right. She deserves to at least be saved."

Fiyero rounded on Avaric. "You're not going anywhere near her!"

"I say do the human chain," another student spoke up. "But only with Avaric at the end. Will rescue her but get some fun out of it ourselves."

"Sounds good to me," yet another student chipped in. "She always squirms when Avaric's around. It should be good fun to see her have to rely on him to be saved."

"You guys are sick!" Fiyero shouted. "You're turning this in to some twisted game for your own pleasure! She could die down there and you don't even care!"

"Shut-up Fiyero," Avaric said. "Let us have our fun. She'll get saved so don't you worry about it. Just hold on to Glinda there and in a few moments will have your precious green friend safe and sound beside you."

With those words Avaric joined the end of the now remade human chain and disappeared over the cliff face. Fiyero stared in horror as he realized just how worthless everyone seemed to think the green girl's life was.

Elphaba's head jerked up at the sound of movement above her. Slowly she unfolded herself from the fetal position that she had crumpled in to when she had come to believe that no one would save her. Water sprayed on her face as the river seemed to be rising around her. She knew it wasn't; she knew it was just her fearful mind playing tricks on her. But even so, she couldn't shake the intense fear that was overwhelming her.

"Miss Elphaba?"

The green girl blinked the water out of her eyes, she wasn't sure if the wetness was tears or water from the river, and the man before her slowly came in to focus.

She screamed and scuffled backwards on her hands and knees. She felt her right hand come in to contact with the edge of the river and she gasped in pain, jerking her hand away and clutching it tightly against her chest. She looked down to see her hand covered in blisters and she felt it throbbing.

"Elphaba, come on."

A hand reached out to her but the green girl shook her head. Her throat had constricted in fear and she couldn't find her voice to speak.

"I'm not going to hurt you," Avaric said.

"Get… get away!" Elphaba screamed as she shuffled sideways to distance herself even more from Avaric while also making sure to avoid the river's edge.

"You need to get out of here," Avaric said in frustration. "Now come on!"

Elphaba closed her eyes tightly and forced herself to stand up. She took a few deep breaths to try and calm herself but the animalistic fear that was already inside of her from the brief kiss she had shared with Fiyero was growing with rapid force at the sight of Avaric near her.

"Miss Elphaba, please. We must leave this place before either one of us gets hurt."

Elphaba slowly opened her eyes and, with her uninjured hand, she grabbed hold of Avaric. He smiled. A small smile that unsettled Elphaba but she knew she had no choice but to let him help her.

Suddenly the human chain began to pull them up and Elphaba was jerked forward at the movement. Avaric caught her and his hand let go of Elphaba's to reach down to the small of her back. He pulled her tightly to his body.

"Just relax, don't do anything. We'll get you up safely," Avaric whispered, his mouth so close to Elphaba's ear that she could've sworn his lips touched her earlobe.

Elphaba was stiff as a board. Her fear was overwhelming her to the point that she couldn't even breathe properly. She was just barely aware of Avaric's hand as it moved lower and lower down her body. His hand finally made its way off of the small of Elphaba's back and reached the body part below it. Elphaba jerked away from the sudden touch but as a result she accidentally moved herself closer to Avaric.

Elphaba closed her eyes, her breaths coming in quick gasps, as she desperately tried to ignore what was happening to her. It wasn't long before Avaric's hand had managed to sneak even lower down her body and wrapped right around underneath her. She could feel the warmth of his hand against the most private part of her body. A shiver sneaked up her spine and her breathing became so rapid that Avaric was vaguely worried she might start hyperventilating.

Suddenly the upwards movement stopped and Elphaba snapped her eyes open. She found herself at the very edge of the cliff face and she was instantly out of Avaric's grasp and scrambling up the last few feet to safety on her own. As soon as she cleared the cliff's edge and was once again on safe ground she took her first deep breath since she had laid eyes on Avaric at the bottom of the canal.

"Elphaba?"

The green girl jerked around to face the sound of Fiyero's voice. "Let's go," she snapped. "Now!"

Fiyero's face revealed his shock but he quickly regained his composure and was soon following the now fuming Elphaba as she made her way to the dorms. The two of them managed to make it all the way to Elphaba and Glinda's shared room without incident or seeing a single other person.

Elphaba slammed the door open and as soon as she entered she walked over to her side of the room. Fiyero entered the room just in time to see Elphaba laying all her weight in to a punch that pierced the wall above her bed and her fist disappeared in to the newly created hole.

Fiyero stood in shock as Elphaba seemed frozen – her right hand, her burnt hand, imbedded in to the wall. Her breathing came in slow, deep, angry breaths and her eyes were closed. Her left hand was clenched so tightly in to a fist beside her hip that it was becoming pale green in colour.

"Elphaba?"

The sound of Fiyero's voice seemed to break through Elphaba's trance and the green girl flew in to action. In seconds she had all her sheets removed from her bed and threw them, a little more forcefully then necessary, towards Glinda's bed.

"Get her on the bed!" Elphaba snapped as she made her way towards the bathroom. "And strip her of her clothes!"

Fiyero blinked rapidly in shock and Elphaba was in and out of the bathroom, a pile of towels in her arms, before Fiyero had even moved.

"On the bed!" she snapped and Fiyero finally managed to get his body to respond to his mind's commands.

He laid Glinda gently on her bed and started stripping the blonde of her cold, soaked clothes. He tossed them lightly to the side and Elphaba handed him the pile of towels.

"Dry her off then wrap her up in all the sheets," she muttered. "Even mine."

Fiyero frowned. "Where are you…" his question trailed off as by the time he managed to look up Elphaba had disappeared back in to the bathroom. Fiyero sighed and returned to the task he had been set of drying and warming the unconscious Glinda.

It took a few minutes longer than Fiyero had thought it would but eventually he had Glinda dried and warmed up enough that he deemed her out of danger and he wrapped her up in a small bundle of sheets and thick blankets. He sighed and leaned back on his heals; running a hand through his hair in exhaustion.

He slowly turned around and made his way to the bathroom. He knocked softly on the door. "Elphaba?" he called.

"Go away," the green girl muttered, her voice shaking slightly.

"Look, Elphaba…" Fiyero tried the door but found it was locked. "I'm sorry. I should never have done what I did. It was wrong of me."

No reply.

"Elphaba, please." Fiyero laid his forehead on the door. "I don't want to ruin our friendship because of this. I'm… I'm really sorry."

Suddenly the door slammed open and Fiyero stumbled forwards slightly before catching himself on the doorframe.

"Why is it that no one will even look at me as an equal but every person with a fucking dick just wants to get in to my pants!" Elphaba screamed, her face so close to Fiyero's that her loud voice made him flinch.

"Elphaba…" Fiyero stepped backwards to put more distance between himself and the enraged green girl. "I never wanted to do that!"

"Oh, shut-up!" Elphaba's eyes were red and puffy, a clear sign of the fact that she was barely containing her tears. "You're no different then Avaric! All you want is to use me like some… some object!"

Fiyero's eyes widened in shock. "Avaric… Avaric didn't... didn't try anything, did he?"

"Did you think he wasn't! Did you really think he wasn't going to try something!" Elphaba walked forward, laying a burnt hand on Fiyero's shoulder in anger. "You boys are all the same! My father! Avaric! You! All you want is to use me for your own sick pleasure!"

Fiyero's voice caught in his throat. "Are… are you saying that… that your father?"

Elphaba stiffened as she realized what she had just said. What she had just implied. Her mouth opened slightly in an attempt to speak but no voice came from her throat.

"Your… your father… he… _used_ you? He… _raped_ you too?" Fiyero's voice was a mere whisper; as if he was trying to convince himself that what he was saying wasn't true.

Elphaba breathing became quick and short and she dropped her hand from the prince's shoulder. She stepped backwards until her back met wall and she had no where else to retreat too. "I… I…" she gasped out. "It… it was… was so long… ago. I… I tried to… to forget…"

Fiyero was at Elphaba's side in a second and lowered the hyperventilating green girl to the ground. "Close your eyes," he instructed. "And cup your hands around your mouth."

The green girl tried to close her eyes but she couldn't. The moment her vision turned black panic would strike through her as memories she had so long ago buried behind walls in her mind broke free. Her breathing became even more frantic and her face began to pale dangerously from the lack of oxygen actually managing to make it in to her lungs.

"Breathe in to your hands," Fiyero said, holding Elphaba's hands by her face to try and keep her focused. "Just breath. Think happy thoughts. Try to calm down." Fiyero shifted positions to kneel in front of the green girl. "Look in to my eyes. Try to trust me. I'm not going to hurt you."

The last sentence, the final words that Fiyero muttered caused her mind to scream out at her in alarm. Every one, almost every single person who had ever hurt her had always said those same words right before they had done whatever they had set out to do to her. She tried to pull her hands out of Fiyero's grasp as her body began to shake violently in a pitiful attempt to escape.

Fiyero, noticing Elphaba's growing panic, let her go and shuffled backwards to try and give her room. She sat there, her breathing getting faster and faster. Her eyes widened with a fear so animalistic that Fiyero was actually afraid for what she might accidentally do with her magickal powers and began to wonder if today might be the day he died.

But she did nothing. She simply folded her legs up and hugged them to her chest. Her whole body continued to shake violently as her breathing didn't seem to be slowing down at all. She stared at Fiyero; her eyes puffy and swollen as tears began to collect at their corners.

A head suddenly poked through the opened window of the room and Fiyero snapped around to face the intruder. "Boq?"

"I heard about Miss Ga–" Boq's words trailed off as he laid eyes on the distraught form of Elphaba huddled on the floor. "Miss Elphaba!" he exclaimed, pulling himself fully in to the room. "What happened to her!"

"Quiet!" Fiyero snapped, eyeing Elphaba as she now seemed to be staring at nothing at all. "She's having a panic attack and she doesn't trust me to help her. And Glinda's going to be fine."

Boq frowned as he cautiously made his way towards the shaking green girl. He kneeled down beside her and laid a hand on her shoulder but she jerked away from his touch.

"Be careful," Fiyero whispered. "I don't want her doing any accidental magick from her fear."

"Fear?" Boq question but Fiyero made no response. "I thought you were just having a panic attack," the Munchkin muttered to himself.

"Look, Boq. I think the best thing to do might just be to leave her alone."

Boq ignore Fiyero's advice. "Miss Elphaba… it's me, Boq. Do you recognize me?"

Elphaba jerked her head slightly. A movement that Boq chose to take as an affirmative answer.

"Look, Miss Elphaba, you're having a panic attack. Okay? You have to try and calm down before you pass out. Can you do that?"

No response. Elphaba's breathing continued to race and her body seemed to shake even more violently.

"Miss Elphaba. You know you can trust me, I won't hurt you."

Elphaba suddenly jerked herself to the side. The words Boq spoke causing fear to finally consume all of Elphaba's conscious sanity. She bolted up in to a standing position and tried to make it to the door but Fiyero was on her instantly. He grabbed her in a bear hug from behind and lifted her clear of the floor. She kicked, flailed her arms, and screamed in an attempt to free herself but Fiyero would not let go.

Boq stood by in horror. He slowly lowered himself on to Glinda's bed and tried his hardest to not look on at the terrifying scene before him. He wished he could be like the blonde and just sleep through the whole altercation; oblivious to the sight of Elphaba's panic and fear.

The room began to shake and the air became dark and thick as Elphaba's animalistic fear caused her to be unable to control her magick. The window began to crack and then shattered – sending glass every which way.

Fiyero still refused to let go of the fighting green girl in his arms.

Suddenly it stopped. The room went back to normal and Elphaba slumped to the floor. Fiyero kneeled down beside her, keeping his arm wrapped around her shaking shoulders, and did his best to take her full weight against himself. His free hand took hold of an ice cold green one and squeezed it gently.

"Elphaba?" he whispered, concern lacing his voice. "Can you hear me?"

The green girl nodded. Her breathing finally began to slow down to an almost normal pace and colour slowly seeped back in to her far too pale face.

"I'm sorry Elphaba," Fiyero whispered. "I didn't mean to cause this."

The green girl closed her eyes, tears falling to the carpeted floor, and took in a few deep breaths. "It's… it's not… your… your fault," she choked out. "I… I should… not be… this… weak… this… pa… pathetic."

Fiyero hugged to exhausted green girl closer to him. "You're not weak," he said. "You're not pathetic. You're reaction was not unnormal. Not after what your fa–"

"Don't!" she snapped, jerking slightly away from his body. "Just don't." Her voice fell to a register just barely above a whisper. "I don't want to remember."

Fiyero sighed. "Glinda was right," he muttered.

Elphaba turned questioning eyes towards the Vinkus prince. "What… whatever are you talk… talking about?" she asked, her breathing now almost completely under control.

"You deny your feelings and refuse to deal with what has happened to you."

"I… I do no such thing!" Elphaba spat out – using anger to mask the fear and panic she was still feeling.

"If you dealt with your pain, your hurt, these memories of your father's abuse would not send you in to such a blind panic."

Elphaba jerked fully away from Fiyero and shuffled backwards away from him. "You don't know what you speak of!" she screamed.

Fiyero rubbed his temples in frustration and exhaustion. "Even now you're replacing your pain and hurt with anger. You can't go through life being a sarcastic bitch to everyone just to shield yourself from your own memories."

Elphaba closed her eyes and just breathed for what seemed like hours to Fiyero but could've been no longer than a few minutes. Her body seemed to relax with each breath she took and as she relaxed Fiyero also relaxed.

"There might be some truth to that," she whispered, cutting through the tense silence and finally opening her eyes. "But… but I don't know how… how else to… to _live_."

Fiyero frowned, letting the green girl's words sink in. "Elphaba… we can help you. If you would just let us."

"Please… can we just not talk about right now?" Elphaba struggled to stand up but found herself too weak to do even that simple task and she silently cursed her pathetic body.

"You always say that." Fiyero stood up and offered a supporting hand. Elphaba clasped it with her uninjured hand and Fiyero gently pulled her up; using his other hand to hold on to her shoulder and keep her steady. "One day you won't be able to wriggle your way out of talking about it… all of it."

"I… I know," Elphaba murmured. "But right… right now I… I'm tired. I just… want to… to sleep."

Fiyero frowned as he turned his head to look behind him, still keeping hold of Elphaba's shivering body. "Unfortunately you don't seem to have any sheets right now."

Elphaba peeked around Fiyero's body to lay eyes on the bundled up sleeping form of Glinda Upland. "Is she going to be okay?" she questioned; not even noticing Boq perched on the edge of the bed.

"She'll be fine," Fiyero replied. "It's you I'm worried about."

Elphaba shook her head. "Don't… don't even start. I don't wa… want to– Boq?" Elphaba finally noticed the Munchkin. "What are you doing here? And what did you see!" Her voice rose with anger and shame at the thought of someone else seeing her in such a vulnerable state.

She vaguely wondered why she didn't seem to care that Fiyero had seen her in such a state.

"I… I came to see if… if Miss Galin– Glinda was… was alright," he stammered. "I didn't mean to… to… well… to interrupt you."

Elphaba turned her attention to Fiyero. "You let him in when I was like that!" she screamed. "How could you do that!"

"I didn't Elphaba," Fiyero tried to explain. "He came in through the window."

Elphaba turned to look at the window to notice that it was completely shattered. "You broke the window Boq?" she whispered in shock.

"_You_ broke the window Elphaba," Fiyero corrected.

"I di… did no such thing!" Elphaba turned her attention back to the Vinkus prince. "How dare you… you say that!"

"You did Elphaba. Or rather, your magick did."

Elphaba shook her head. "I… I couldn't have. I… I don't even… remember."

"Don't worry about it. One day you'll learn to control it fully. Besides, it was not any surprise that some accidental magick revealed itself with how panicky you were."

Elphaba slumped against Fiyero's body. "I'm sorry," she muttered. "I'm… I'm just sorry for… for everything. Sorry for today. Sorry for get… getting mad earlier. Sorry… sorry for loving you. Sorry… sorry for everything I… I've done… done wrong."

Fiyero stiffened. "Don't apologize for anything. Especially your feelings. You've done nothing wrong and one day you'll realize that."

Elphaba smiled slightly; a sad, desperate smile. "Even if you didn't love Galinda I couldn't be with you. I don't deserve someone like you."

Fiyero suddenly spun around, grabbing a hold of Elphaba's shoulders to keep her steady, and bent down slightly to be at exactly the same eye level as the green girl. "Don't you _ever_ say that you don't deserve something… anything! You, out of everyone in this whole school, deserves the most! You've been through more than anyone should ever have to go through and you deserve greatness! Don't _ever_ say such a thing again!"

Elphaba's eyes widened in shock and the grief and pain that lingered there was suddenly gone, replaced by such a sincere amount of joy and gratefulness that Fiyero was brought to the edge of tears. In his opinion he hadn't seen nearly enough of that happiness in Elphaba since he had met her.

"Fiyero…" Elphaba's voice was laced with concern. "Don't cry…why are you crying?"

The Vinkus prince quickly brushed at his eyes with the back of his sleeve. "It's nothing. I… I just… I've never seen such happiness in your eyes until now."

Elphaba frowned. "You're getting too close to me," she whispered. "This isn't good." The green girl suddenly pulled away from Fiyero's supporting hold. "Galinda would be furious!"

And then she stumbled. Her weakened body, coupled with the panic attack she had just suffered through, could not hold her up. She fell in to a crumpled heap on the floor; striking her head and knocking herself unconscious. Both Fiyero and Boq were at her side in a moment and Fiyero slowly shifted her head to get a better look at the long gash that now ran from her right temple to her hairline. Her blood stained the carpet.

"Is she okay?" Boq asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

Fiyero frowned, placing his fingers on her neck to check for a pulse. He found one; beating slightly faster than normal but he figured that that was most likely due to her previous panic attack.

"I think she'll be fine," he replied, gently pressing against the wound to stop the flow of blood.

"But she's bleeding… a lot!" Boq's voice was high with panic and Fiyero noted, with slight amusement, that Boq seemed to be more concerned for Elphaba's well-being then Glinda's.

"All head wounds bleed a lot," Fiyero replied with a shrug. "She'll be fine. She just needs to rest. She's had a… a tough day."

Boq frowned and slowly stood up. "Miss Glinda has all the sheets," he stated. "And I daresay Miss Elphaba will freeze if she doesn't have any bedding. She's already cold as it is."

Fiyero sighed. "And we can't take the bedding from Glinda, it's probably wet."

Boq touched a sheet lightly. "They're only a little damp, I'm sure it'll be fine."

"Look at this," Fiyero said as he lightly grabbed a hold of Elphaba's right writs and lifted her arm up. "This is a burnt hand. Do you know how she burnt it?"

Boq shook his head. "No… but what does that matter?"

Fiyero sighed and placed the arm gently back on the ground. "She must've accidentally put her hand in the river. I don't know when… I must not have been there. But I know she got it wet."

"Wet? You must be exhausted because the last time I checked water does not burn skin."

"Elphaba has a strange water reaction. An allergy really. That's why the beddings can't even be slightly damp."

"What? How can… how can someone be allergic… to water!"

Fiyero chuckled lightly, sadly. "You reacted the same way I did when Glinda told me."

"But… but how?"

"I don't know. No one knows why. She just, well… she just is." Fiyero sighed and stood up. "Look, maybe there's extra sheets in the closet or something," he said as he made his way across the room.

He disappeared in to the shadows of the closet and reappeared a few moments later with an armful of bright purple beddings. "Not exactly Elphaba's taste," he said. "But sheets nonetheless."

"I'm assuming that they're Miss Glinda's back-up set?" Boq said with a small laugh. "They're certainly bright enough to belong to her."

Fiyero shrugged as he dropped the pile of sheets on the floor beside the bed and then quickly made a surprisingly neat and perfect bed. He pulled the top few sheets back and propped the pillow up slightly against the wall. A few moments later he kneeled down beside the unconscious Elphaba and scooped her, rather gently, in to his arms. He carried her over to her newly made bed and carefully placed her down; covering her rather tightly with the bedding to keep her warm.

"You love her more than you love Miss Glinda, don't you?" Boq quietly asked from near the window.

Fiyero let out a heavy sigh. "It seems we each love the wrong person, doesn't it?"

Boq frowned. "I don't think anyone ever loves the one they're suppose to."

Fiyero pushed a stray hair off of Elphaba's pale face. "Wake up Elphaba," he whispered. "Wake up and realize what you're truly worth."


	41. Of Possible Friendship

_Fiyero pushed a stray hair off of Elphaba's pale face. "Wake up Elphaba," he whispered. "Wake up and realize what you're truly worth."_

--

**Chapter Forty-One: Of Possible Friendship**

Elphaba Thropp woke up to a throbbing head and blurred vision. She blinked rapidly to try and clear her sight and she felt slightly ill. She couldn't remember what had happened to cause her to feel so… so unwell.

She didn't like it when she couldn't remember.

"You're awake," a male voice said. "Now eat."

Elphaba jerked away as an apple was shoved in to her line of vision. She brushed it away from her face, rolled over to try and escape the voice, and closed her eyes. "Sleep," she muttered as she pulled her sheets over her head.

Her oddly soft and high quality sheets. She opened her eyes to stare at the back of the blankets.

"Why am I sleeping in purple bedding?" she asked, her voice muffled by the mound of blankets she had buried herself under.

"Glinda had your sheets so I used her spare set for your bed," the male voice replied. "Now you need to eat."

"I'm not hungry," she replied, burrowing even further under the sheets. "And I'm cold. I want to sleep."

"You've been unconscious for over a day already. Longer than Glinda and she was frozen to the core in the river."

Elphaba frowned. "River?" she questioned.

"Don't you remember?"

The green girl rolled over and peeked her head out from her bundle of sheets. "Fiyero?" she questioned in surprise.

"You… didn't recognize my voice?" Fiyero's voice clearly showed his concern.

Elphaba frowned even more. "No… nor can I remember what last happened."

"You rescued Glinda from the river, can't you recall that?"

Elphaba's eyes widened in sudden panic as the memories of her last waking day began to flood back to her. "Avaric… he…"

"Elpha–"

"And… and you!" Elphaba's body tensed underneath her blankets. "I… you… you found out… about my… fa–"

"Elphaba!" Fiyero interrupted the green girl. "And remember the panic attack you worked yourself in to?"

Elphaba nodded; a jerky, nervous movement.. "I… never meant to… to te–"

"Let's just try to avoid another incident like that, okay?" Fiyero smiled gently. "Now eat." He shoved the apple back in to Elphaba's face.

Elphaba closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths to calm herself down. "I'm not hungry," she muttered.

"You've fainted more times than I can even count in the last little while. You need to eat so that your body can heal itself."

"My body's fine."

"Your body's weak from a lack of blood because you haven't been eating _near_ enough for your body to make any new blood," Fiyero said. "Now eat before I have to carry you back to bed, yet again."

Elphaba opened her eyes and attempted to sit up but her throbbing head wouldn't let her and she moaned quietly in pain as her vision began to swim.

"What's wrong?" Fiyero asked, laying a supporting hand on Elphaba's shoulder.

"My head hearts," she replied. "And my vision spins when I move to quickly."

Fiyero sighed. "You probably have a mild concussion. You hit your head pretty badly when you last fainted. Just try to move slower."

Elphaba nodded slightly and attempted to sit up again. Only this time she moved much slower and found herself to actually be successful in her attempt. She took the offered apple from Fiyero and began to slowly eat it.

"How are you feeling Miss Elphaba?" a small voice called from across the room.

The green girl looked around Fiyero to see a mound of blankets on Glinda's bed where the voice had come from. Elphaba smiled slightly. "I've been better, and you?" she replied.

"I'm tired," came the muffled reply. "And I wish to thank you for saving my life. Once again your magick came to the rescue Miss Elphaba. I'm very grateful."

"Well you're very welcomed Miss Galin– Miss Glinda," Elphaba answered; not wishing to ruin the small conversation with informalities or dropped honorifics . The green girl returned her attention back to Fiyero. "She's talking to me," she mouthed, her face glowing with excitement.

Fiyero smiled, a huge grin that seemed to swallow his face. "Indeed she is," he mouthed back. "But you tread a fine line. One wrong word and she'll be gone again."

Elphaba nodded her understanding and returned her attention to the mound of blankets that concealed her roommate. She watched as the mound moved up and down ever so slightly as Glinda breathed beneath her cocoon.

"Miss Elphaba," Glinda muttered through her layers of bedding. "I dare hope Fiyero and you underwent no funny business when I was rendered unconscious."

Elphaba gasped. "Miss Glinda," she replied. "I can assure you that nothing happened more than friendship."

"I hope I can trust you in that statement."


	42. The Letter And The Truth

"_I hope I can trust you in that statement."_

--

**Chapter Forty-Two: The Letter and The Truth**

Elphaba Thropp slammed the door open to her shared dorm. She was angry at herself more than anyone else. She threw her books on to her bed with such force that the bed-frame shifted and creaked.

She knew she had failed the exam.

It had been her fault, no one else's. She hadn't studied like she should of. True, she had been distracted. But still… her schooling should have been more of a priority.

Then again, she hadn't expected the exam to be as difficult as it had been.

She collapsed on to her bed. Her body shook – which had seemed to have become a natural reaction to anything upsetting to the green girl, no matter how minor – as she laid on her faded brown bedding.

She didn't want to have to retake the course. She didn't want to have to tell everyone that she had failed the exam. That she, Elphaba Thropp, had failed at even the one thing she used do well in.

Elphaba closed her eyes against the onslaught of shameful tears that threatened to escape her control. But then suddenly she snapped her eyes open as she realized that her roommate, the blonde that was almost talking to her again, was not near.

Glinda had left the exam room not long before Elphaba and therefore she figured the blonde would still be in their dorm room. Primping herself for whatever outing, or party, she was planning to go to for the evening.

But she wasn't.

Elphaba frowned, concern twisting in to a knot in the pit of her stomach. She rolled herself off of her bed, took a deep breath, and scanned the room for any clue to the whereabouts of the blonde. She noticed that Glinda's coat and purse were still in the room; a clear sign that the blonde had left in a hurry.

Brown eyes scoured Glinda's half of the room until a small piece of paper caught Elphaba's attention. A green hand gently picked the already opened envelope off of the bed to find that it was empty. Elphaba's face twisted in to an expression of puzzlement as she tried to determine where the envelope's contents were.

The green girl kneeled down and peeked underneath the bed. She let out a short laugh at the mess that Glinda hid there before finding the object of her hunt. It seemed that the letter the envelope had contained had been dropped and floated, quite unexpectedly, underneath the bed.

Elphaba straightened up, the letter held tightly in her hand, and plopped down on Glinda's bed. She unfolded it and quickly scanned the messy writing. It was as if the author of the letter had been in a rush, or perhaps distraught.

_Dear my darling Galinda,_

_It pains me very much to write to you today but I fear it would be cruel to hold the truth from you. By the time you receive this letter I suspect you should be in the middle of your exams… for this I apologize. But I guess it would probably be best for me to just get on with it and not drag out the news._

_Your mother, I regret to say, has passed away. I know the two of you never really saw eye to eye – she had her issues – but she was still your mother. I know you loved her. Perhaps not as much as I but still, I know that you need to know she is gone now. She's in a better place, hopefully somewhere where her soul can heal. I know there is no possible way for you to make the travel back here for the funeral service – not after using up your money to pay for that young green girl's (what was her name again?) tuition with that Vinkus fellow. I know it is not my place to ask, nor is really appropriate at the moment, but I can't help but inquire over how that young girl is doing. I trust you two are still friends, correct? After all, you talked about her quite a lot in your letters. She's a good person dear and I hope you stay friends with her. She could teach you a few things about character and the less-than-perfect side of life. You could learn from her and that's a valuable thing… don't throw a friendship like that away._

_Well, I don't have much more to say without going on one of my rambling tangents. I shall write a more proper letter to you later but for now I shall leave you with this. I must make haste so I can do all that needs to be done to prepare for mother's funeral. Don't be sad dear, she's better off where she is now._

_And yes, she did die how I assume you believe she did._

_Love yours, true and forever,_

_Your father._

The letter, which Elphaba now noticed was stained with tears, shook in the grasp of her green hand. Elphaba was in shock. Glinda's mother was dead. And Glinda and Fiyero had been the ones to pay for her tuition. They had been the ones to help her stay at Shiz. It had been her_ friends_, not Glinda's parents, who had saved her from the torment of her father.

The letter fell from Elphaba's hand. It floated through the air and landed, just precisely, underneath the bed. The green girl cocked her head slightly at the strange occurrence and vaguely wondered if there was perhaps a draft from the window that caused the letter to drift underneath the bed, of all places, for the second time in a row.

Elphaba shook her head and looked out the window. She wanted to go find Glinda, to try and console what she knew would be a distraught blonde, but it was raining outside.

"Of course it's raining," she muttered angrily to herself. "It's always raining when I need to go outside. Fucking weather. Fucking life. Fucking fate."

She stormed over to the closet and roughly pulled out her coat, gloves, and umbrella. As a last minute thought she grabbed Glinda's coat on her way out. The door slammed behind her and she noticed that her hand shook as she struggled to get her key to fit in to the lock.

She knew that she was replacing the onslaught of grief inside of her with anger just so she wouldn't have to deal with her true pain until she finally found her blonde friend. Fiyero would chastise her for that if he knew.

Elphaba shrugged on her coat, pulling the hood over her head, and slipped he gloves on as she made her way outside. She counted four hundred and twenty-three steps from her dorm room to the outside. She remembered, vaguely, counting the steps only one other time in her life.

It took her almost five minutes, where she stood right inside the doorway that would lead to the outside world, before she could build up the strength and bravery to step in to the rain. All she could think of when she saw water of any sort now was the burning shed incident of her childhood – the day her father tried to murder her.

"Fucking Fiyero," she muttered, holding her umbrella as close as she could to herself. Rain still managed to find its way around the umbrella and through her protective shield of outerwear; burning whatever green skin it managed to come in contact with. "Why, in Oz's name, did you make me talk about that? All that ever did was make me think about my father far more than I ever wanted to!"

Elphaba didn't really know where she was going, or where Glinda might be, but she was suddenly brought out of her angry mental ramblings when her foot almost stepped in a large puddle. She caught herself just in time but was still forced to half-hop, half-fall out of the way of the deadly water. Her ankle was still incredibly sore from when she had twisted it and she really didn't want to also burn that same foot. That, she knew, would be a disaster.

The green girl shook her head slightly to clear her thoughts and try to concentrate. She had a task to do and she couldn't let herself get distracted. Right now was not the time for self-doubt or self-pity. Right now was the time to find and console her blonde roommate.

It took Elphaba nearly two hours, maybe even three, to find the blonde. She looked in every almost-forest clump of trees on the school grounds until she found her sitting on a broken-down bench hidden within one of the largest almost-forests.

Elphaba couldn't tell if Glinda simply did not notice her presence as she sat down beside her or if the blonde was deliberately ignoring her.

"You shouldn't be out here," Elphaba said, handing Glinda's coat to her. "You might catch a cold."

"You could die," Glinda replied, shrugging the coat on with stiff movements. She wasn't looking at the green girl. "I think that wins."

"Look, Miss Gli–"

"But I guess a little rain won't hurt you," Glinda interrupted. "After all, you did survive jumping in a lake somehow."

Elphaba's sharp intake of breath was the only indication of her surprise. "Fi… Fiyero told you that?"

"When you drop bombshells like that on people you can't expect them to keep them to themselves. Not everyone's like you Miss Elphaba… not everyone can deal with that kind of horrible secret alone."

"You shouldn't know."

"Why? Because you think I won't understand?" Glinda turned to lay flashing, angry eyes at her green roommate. "I might not understand completely but I'm not as blind and idiotic as you think I am!"

Elphaba averted her eyes to the ground. "I didn't want to burden you."

"I carry more burdens then you've ever cared to consider," Glinda spat out. "Maybe I haven't had as horrible and as terrible of a life as you have. But it hasn't been as perfect as you seem to think!"

"Galinda… please… don't yell."

"It's Glinda for Oz's sake! Get it right!" The blonde was on her feet now, pacing with anger and repressed grief. "And I can yell if I want! You've yelled at me before!"

"When have I ever yelled at you?" Elphaba's voice was quite, tired… dangerously near the level of a pathetic whimper.

"That day you threw Fiyero out of our room! Or do you not remember!"

"I was just… just… well… you know what had happened… I think I had reason to… to yell."

"And my mother has just died!" Glinda stopped her pacing to stand, hands on her hips, directly in front of the green girl sitting, slumped, on the old bench. "I think that's a perfectly good excuse for yelling!"

"Gali… Glinda look," Elphaba raised her eyes to look at the blonde. "I'm sorry about your mother. I really, really am."

"It's not her death that hurts," Glinda spat out before returning to her pacing. "She was dead to me a long time ago."

"Glinda…"

The blonde plopped herself down on the end of the bench, as far away from Elphaba as she could. "You read the letter, didn't you?" Glinda's voice was quiet, angry, and on the verge of tears.

"I know I shouldn't have but… but I was worried. I didn't know where you were."

"Now you know how I feel."

Elphaba furrowed her brow in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"Did you think I didn't notice? Did you think I didn't care!" Glinda brushed at her eyes suspiciously. "You would disappear at night… sometimes even for days! I never knew where you were, or what you were doing. I was terrified."

"I didn't know where to go. You wouldn't help me… I… I had to go to someone else."

"To Fiyero."

Elphaba nodded slowly. "It was nothing more than friendship, you must know that!" Her voice was frantic as she desperately wanted the blonde to understand.

"I would've helped you," Glinda muttered. "I was angry when I said I wouldn't. I was mad. I meant it at the time but not after." Glinda looked at Elphaba, blue eyes full of unshed tears. "I regret what I said. I really would have helped you."

Elphaba's stomach twisted in on herself. She couldn't believe what Glinda had just told her. The blonde wasn't angry at her? The blonde would've help her? Could their friendship had been saved earlier had Elphaba just realized that Glinda's words had been said in heated anger and nothing more?

Had their misunderstanding prolonged the suffering of their friendship for longer than necessary?

The green girl averted her eyes, staring at her hand as it clenched the fabric of her heavy coat. Her other hand was still holding on to the umbrella for dear life; trying to protect herself from the deadly rain that surrounded her. "I didn't know," she whispered.

"You're many things Elphie, but an expert at relationships you are definitely not."

Elphaba looked up, hope gleaming in her eyes at Glinda's use of her nickname. "Well," she said with a small smile. "Your not exactly the easiest person to understand and predict."

Glinda laughed quietly. "Neither are you."

"Friends?" Elphaba questioned tentatively. "Again?"

"I'm sorry Elphie," Glinda whispered as the green girl shuffled closer to her. "I'm sorry for being ridiculous. I… I shouldn't have let my jealous tear this friendship apart."

Elphaba wrapped her arm around Glinda's shoulder, ignoring the pain of burning skin as water soaked through her coat, and pulled the blonde close to her. "You're shivering," she said. "And this wasn't your fault… I shouldn't have feelings for Fiyero, he's already yours. This has all been my fault."

Glinda shook her head. "You can't control your emotions Elphie. I _can_ control my actions. This is _my_ fault. And I… I realize now that… that my mother's dead that… I don't want to lose you."

"You're not going to lose me," Elphaba whispered. "I'm going to be right here, waiting, no matter what happens."

"That's not what I mean," Glinda muttered. "I know you're a better friend then me. I know you'll always be there for me no matter what I do."

"_You're_ the better friend Glinda. You understand people… emotions better."

"Do you know how my mother died?" The blonde's voice was barely above a whisper and Elphaba had to strain to hear through the sound of the falling rain.

"No…"

"She drank herself to death." Tears now traced down Glinda's pale face and Elphaba tried to hug her even closer for support. "She was always drinking. My father tried to keep her in control but… well… alcohol can change a person."

"Glinda…" Elphaba's voice was catching in her throat. She never knew that the blonde had ever had any problems in her family life.

"She never hit me or anything like that," Glinda said, knowing that that was the exact conclusion Elphaba would jump to. "She yelled sometimes, but… but that was it. Usually she just ignored me."

"I'm sorry… I… I never knew."

"You lost your mother too, didn't you?"

Elphaba nodded. "She wasn't really much of a mother to me either. I think she hated the way I looked but at least she would try to love me… more than my father anyways."

"At least I had a father."

The whispered words felt like a slap to Elphaba and the green girl stiffened. Glinda opened her mouth slightly in shock when she realized what she had actually said, out loud.

"I'm sorry Elphie." Glinda's voice was pleading now. "That… that was cruel. That was… was uncalled for. I didn't mean to say it like that. Elphie, plea–"

Elphaba closed her eyes to still her own tears. "Don't worry about it," she whispered. "I know what you meant."

Glinda sighed. "My life hasn't been nearly as horrible as yours Elphie but I need you to know that it wasn't perfect. I've felt pain before. I understand more then you give me credit for. I'm not as perfect as you think. And… and I want to help you."

"I'm doing fine."

"No you're not."

Elphaba opened her eyes again, shifting the umbrella so that more of it covered Glinda's shaking form. "I'm doing better," she clarified.

"I don't want you to end up like my mother."

The green girl gasped in shock as the truth finally revealed itself. Glinda hadn't been pushing Elphaba away because of jealousy – though that might have had a little part in it – she was pushing Elphaba away because she was afraid she would lose the green girl to her pain… just like she had lost her mother to her pain. Glinda was afraid of getting hurt so she had tried to protect herself by hurting the very person she was worried about.

The umbrella fell from Elphaba's shaking hands, landing in a puddle and splashing water everywhere. The rain now fell on the two girls with furious force and the only thing protecting Elphaba was her overcoat and the hood that she had thankfully pulled up earlier. The rain that touched Elphaba's face and soaked through her coat burnt her skin badly but she didn't even notice.

Almost crushing her, Elphaba gave Glinda the longest hug the blonde had ever received.

**--**

_**Author's Note: **I'm going to be out of town for the next 3 to 4 days so there will be no updates during that time. Sorry._


	43. The Looking Glass

_Almost crushing her, Elphaba gave Glinda the longest hug the blonde had ever received. _

--

**Chapter Forty-Three: The Looking Glass**

She sat at Glinda's vanity, flipping the green looking glass in-between her long fingers. Every now an then she would pause in her action and stare in to the glass. It showed her nothing.

She smiled slightly at the memory of the man who had given it to her. His name was Turtle Heart – she remembered that now. Her mother had been infatuated with him. It had lingered in the air, long after he was gone, whether or not Frex or Turtle Heart had been the father of Nessarose. Perhaps that was why Frex had loved his second born more than he had ever loved Elphaba – to compensate for the fact that he may not have actually borne the child.

Elphaba laughed, flipping the looking glass again. It was a strange world how she, the one fathered by Frex, had turned out the colour of wickedness while Nessa, the one who had no certain father, had been born unable to use her legs.

Or perhaps she too had not been fathered by Frex. The very thought made Elphaba smile. She would hold no anger if that was true – though she knew it could not be – she felt that she would probably even be elated.

"Horrors." The word was a mere whisper that lingered behind long after the sound had left the green lips that had said it. It had been her first word and she had said it while looking at this very piece of glass.

With one sharp movement the glass was shattered against Glinda's vanity. By a stroke of luck, or perhaps fate, none of the pieces flew more than an inch or two away from where it had struck the hard word. Elphaba looked at her hand, now empty, and a few pieces had embedded themselves in her skin. It looked odd; the green glass in the green skin. She pulled each piece out, six in total, and dropped them on the vanity.

She felt numb; broken and yet whole all at once. A pain throbbed in her heart, in her mind, but it throbbed so evenly that it was as if it wasn't even there. She wanted to go outside but the smell of impending rain was in the air. She was trapped, a prisoner, due to her unfortunate water reaction. Her allergy.

Her curse.

She leaned back in Glinda's chair. Out of the corner of her eye she caught sight of the hole that still remained in the wall above her bed. She smiled. So rarely had she ever let her feelings out in such a physical… such an outward… way. It had felt good.

The chair tipped over and she fell backwards; striking her head on the ground. She frowned and shifted positions slightly so that she was not lying on top of the chair. Her head was sore now but she barely noticed. Her body was shaking… but it was always shaking nowadays.

She couldn't feel. She had tried for most of the day but nothing had come. She had traced what would become new scars on her wrist, on her stomach, but there had been nothing. Only blood. It was odd to her. Odd to not feel anything at all.

Nothing had happened. There had been no incident, no traumatic event. Nothing had occurred in the past few days to cause her to feel like she was. So why then? Why then did she feel so?

She rolled over, pushing herself up, and made her way back to the vanity. She grabbed the fallen chair, setting it back in place, and sat down. She played with the broken green glass for awhile. Staring out the window. The threatening storm clouds were already casting strange shadows over the midday light.

A broken glass was placed on her tongue. She let it sit there, in her mouth, before swallowing it. She flinched as it traced a path down her throat. It didn't hurt. It should have but it didn't. Nothing was hurting. Nothing was happy. Nothing _felt_. Another piece of the green glass was placed on her tongue. It slid down her throat. She flinched, again. Another piece. On the tongue. Down the throat. A flinch.

She didn't even recognize what she was doing until the glass was gone. She no longer had anything for her hands to entertain themselves with. Brown eyes tore away from the window and looked at Glinda's vanity. She watched as blood was dripping on to it, pooling in to a small puddle. Her brow furrowed. She didn't know where the blood was coming from.

She stood up suddenly, knocking the chair to the floor. She stumbled to the bathroom, a hand clenched around her stomach. The door shut with a dull thud. In fact, Elphaba noticed, that the world around her seemed to be dull. Dull in colour. Dull in smell. Dull in sound.

Something tugged at her stomach. Something _hurt_. She smiled. A small victory; a sense of feeling. She closed her eyes to enjoy it but the pain was rapidly increasing. She frowned and snapped her eyes open. Her reflection stared back at her. Green skin, pale – almost yellow – in colour, covered a sallow face. Brown eyes stared back at her – lacking life. She cocked her head slightly. Blood dribbling from her chin. She wiped it away with the cloth Glinda always kept near the sink. More replaced it.

She frowned and leaned forward, ignoring the pain the movement caused in her stomach. She opened her mouth and saw the blood that had pooled in there. It rushed out and splattered on the bathroom counter. She coughed, spraying the red, sticky substance over the mirror. She wiped it away as well as she could and tried, again, to look at her mouth. She saw the small cuts that ran across her tongue, the inside of her cheeks, and the back of her throat.

Suddenly the pain was overwhelming. Suddenly she realized what she had done. She crumpled to the floor, clutching her stomach as she finally felt what the broken glass was doing to her. She shoved her hand down her throat in a desperate action to empty her stomach.

To get the glass out.

She gagged. She struggled to get on her hands and knees as the pain tore at her. She couldn't tell if anything was coming out; there was too much blood. She was afraid. Terrified. What had she done?

The next hour went by in a haze of pain and forced vomiting. She finally collapsed from exhaustion in a pool of her own blood. Her breathing came in short gasps but the blood seemed to flow with less force. The pain was all but gone but Elphaba didn't know if she had gotten all the glass out.

She had gotten some… that she knew. She could see it, reflecting the light as it laid in her blood. It was mocking her. Laughing at her. She struggled to breath as she laid on the bathroom floor. She rolled on to her side, making breathing harder but allowing the blood to more easily pour from her mouth.

The blood was definitely flowing slower, not as furious. She clutched at her stomach but the pressure did little to alleviate the pain that still lingered there.

She wondered where Glinda was.

Elphaba closed her eyes and gathered her strength. She used the wall for support as she forced herself to stand up. She stumbled to the bathtub and turned the water on. It sprayed towards her but she managed to step back just in time to avoid it. She shed her clothes and tossed them in the bath. She was covered in blood and so was the bathroom. She turned around slowly and examined the mess that was there. She should clean it up, she knew that. She didn't want Glinda seeing this. But she was so _tired_.

She grabbed a towel and wiped as much of the blood off of her skin as she could. Her hair looked odd, lighter. She stared at her reflection for a few moments until she realized that her hair looked different because her own blood had stained it.

She threw the towel in the bath and shut the water off. It was dangerously close to overflowing so she chose to stay away from it. She wondered, vaguely, how she planned to empty the tub when she had no way to pull the plug out from the drain.

Being careful of where she stepped, in case she should slip on the blood that coated the tiles, she picked a path out of the bathroom. Her body shook violently as she struggled to the dresser and pulled out a set of undergarments and a simple dress. Once clothed again she stumbled back to the bathroom and grabbed her bottle of cleansing oil from the drawer and a clean cloth. She scrubbed the blood off of her hands and her face.

She could feel the blood that was still on her skin – the blood that her dress now hid. She opened her mouth and gurgled some of her oil, spitting it out in to the sink. It was tinged a dark shade of red and she knew that she was still bleeding inside. She tossed the cloth in the tub and quickly made her way out of the bathroom. She shut the door behind her and hoped against hope that Glinda would not need to use the bathroom in their room until she could managed to clean it up properly.

She made for the door but her legs suddenly collapsed beneath her. She fell to the floor with an audible thud and winced. She tried to move, tried to stand, but her body seemed unable to comply to her mind's command. She could taste the blood in her mouth as she desperately tried to keep herself from vomiting. She curled in on herself, putting as much pressure on her stomach as she could, and stayed there for quite awhile.

From where she laid she could see through the window. The clouds outside were becoming darker as the storm came closer and closer. She could smell the rain on the air as she simply stayed still and breathed.

Eventually she managed to move again. She slowly and cautiously sat up. She rested her back against the wall and closed her eyes; focusing only on breathing and in time she felt some of her strength returning to her. Not a lot but enough that Elphaba felt herself able to leave if need be.

Long fingers grasped a hold of her hair. Green intertwined with black as she quickly and efficiently braided her hair; knotting it when she reached the bottom. She hoped that tied back the blood that stained her hair would be less noticeable.

_Shouldn't Glinda be here?_ Elphaba vaguely thought.

She stood up, taking care to be slow, and used the wall for support. Her vision spun but a couple rapid blinks cleared that issue. She felt a little blood dribbling down her chin and she wiped it away with the back of her hand. She pushed herself off the wall and stumbled to the door. She had to find someone, she could feel it. She was hurt… hurt badly. And she feared that what she had done would be impossible to fix.

She fumbled with the door for a few moments before her shaking hands managed to finally open it. She shut it behind her and stumbled down the halls, almost as if she was drunk, pushing herself from wall to wall. It took longer then it should have but eventually she managed to make it outside.

There were very few students outdoors for most had already taken cover from the storm waiting to begin at any moment. Those that were outside took no notice of the green girl as she made her way, very slowly, down the brick path. She passed right by the school's infirmity but for some reason the thought to enter never even crossed her mind.

She was on a mission. She needed to find someone – anyone – to help her. She didn't care if it was Glinda or Fiyero or Boq or even her own sister. She just needed _someone_.

She wandered down the brick path, eventually straying from it, for nearly two hours. She found no one. Her body seemed to be calming down slightly and no more blood was escaping from her throat. She could taste it still but it was no longer flowing with the force it originally had… it was no longer flowing at all. At least, not where it shouldn't be flowing. She was worried that this sudden respite from the pain in her stomach and the blood was nothing more than the calm before the storm.

Then the sky finally decided to act on the looming threat it had being teasing the world with all day. It started to rain.


	44. Of Rain And The Dying

_**Author's Note: **My second longest chapter as of yet. Sitting at a word count of 7,105. You might want to go grab a snack, something to drink, and possibly a box of tissues if you're the crying type. And I'm going to take this time right now to thank you all for your reviews (this is now the third most reviewed story I have on this site) and your support. I definitely did not expect this story to become what it has nor for it to have touched as many people as it has. So, thank you all for reading and remember: review if you can. I like reviews!_

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_Then the sky finally decided to act on the looming threat it had being teasing the world with all day. It started to rain._

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**Chapter Forty-Four: Of Rain and the Dying**

The rain was so furious and came so fast that those students of Shiz who were outside found themselves soaked to their bones in a matter of moments. There were multiple underground passageways throughout the University for such weather conditions and they were now in full use as all the students were rushing to the safety of the indoors.

There had not been a storm this strong, with the rain pouring this thick, in all of the raining season yet. The thunder that rolled overhead was frightening and so close that it shook the buildings on the University's grounds.

One student, one green student, found herself trapped outdoors. As soon as the rain had come she had ran for the nearest shelter she could find but all there had been around was a small cluster of trees whose branches created a roof-like structure. However, the rain still found its way through the foliage and the student huddled beneath its branches was forced to fold herself up into a small ball on the ground with her arms wrapped around her head in a desperate attempt to protect herself.

The rain would kill her.

She couldn't say how long she sat there, huddled in on herself, but it was far too long in her opinion. The trees shielding her more effectively then she had thought they would but the rain that still managed to make contact with her exposed skin burnt like fire. She bit her bottom lip in a desperate attempt to stifle the cries of pain that were trying to escape her throat.

_Elphie! _

The green girl's head snapped up at the faint sound of her name on the howling wind. She squinted through the sheet of rain and she thought she might've seen the shadow of someone coming close to her but she couldn't be sure. A few drops of rain splattered against her now exposed face and she was forced to bury her head into her knees again.

_Elphie!_

Elphaba heard her name again but found her fear of the rain prevented her from lifting her head and trying to see the one coming towards her. She tried to shrink into herself even more as the rain still managed to find its way through her protection and touch her skin. The sound of rushed footsteps, two pairs, now reached her ears. Each step seemed to echo louder in her head than the previous one and within a few moments she felt that the ones approaching her were close enough that she could brave lifting her head up again.

The rain hit her full in the face and she gasped. Desperately she wiped at her face but the action did little to alleviate the burning sensation she now felt. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to find a some-what dry section on her sleeve to wipe the rain off her face but the task seemed impossible.

Suddenly a hand was on her shoulder and a dry cloth was quickly dabbing at her face. Within moments the water that was so badly burning her skin was now gone and she took a deep, shaky breath. She braved opening her eyes to find herself face to face with none other than Fiyero.

"Oh, Elphie!"

The green girl flinched at the high-pitched voice coming from above her and Fiyero smiled at her reaction. "Nicely met Miss Glinda," she muttered in response, talking around the blood that had dried in the back of her throat. "I dare hope either of you thought to bring an umbrella for me or do you expect me to try and dodge the rain on the way back."

"No worries," Fiyero replied as he pulled an umbrella out from within his jacket. "Even _we_ were able to think about that small matter." He opened the umbrella and held it above the shivering green girl. "Now come on, let's get out of the rain."

Elphaba nodded her thanks and took the offered umbrella. She slowly stood up as she knew that if she moved to quickly in her present condition that her vision would begin to swim. Fiyero and Glinda shared a concerned look but they both laid steadying hands on Elphaba's arm to help her up – and for one of the few times in her life the green girl didn't reject the assistance. She opened her mouth to speak, to tell them what she had did. To explain to them about the glass she had swallowed and the pain that still ached in her stomach but a sudden flash of shame overwhelmed her and she closed her mouth.

_I'm feeling better, _she thought to herself. Trying to rationalize not telling her friends of what had occurred. _There's no need to worry them. If I get any worse I'll tell them immediately. _Elphaba knew she wasn't telling them because she didn't want to worry them – they already worried about her – but because she was ashamed. Ashamed and terrified that she really was dying. Bleeding to death from the inside out.

"You really shouldn't be out here when the sky is so clouded," Glinda said, interrupting Elphaba's mental conversation.

Elphaba sighed. Glinda, though no longer ignoring her, was still incredibly uneasy around the green girl whenever Fiyero was involved. Elphaba had a sinking feeling that Glinda was no longer completely trusting of her green roommate.

"I just wanted some fresh air," Elphaba lied. "I didn't think the rain would come upon us so fast."

"You think you would have learned by now," Glinda whispered as she twirled a wet, limp curl in her finger.

"Glinda!" Fiyero snapped. "That's not a very nice thing to say."

"Don't," Elphaba said. "Just let it be."

Fiyero frowned but let the matter drop. After a few minutes of uneasy silence Fiyero finally asked the question that was bothering both himself and the blonde. "Are you well Elphaba?"

The green girl closed her eyes briefly and then opened them again. "I'm fine," she whispered.

"You're shaking," Fiyero pressed. "And you're unsteady on your feet." His voice was coloured with worry and concern.

"I almost always shake now," Elphaba replied. "And… and how did you know to… to come look for me?" she asked, hoping the change of subject would distract her friends. She was still trying to figure out a way to keep Glinda out of their dorm bathroom when they got there so that she would be able to clean it up. She had no ideas though.

"I lost my key," Glinda said. "We couldn't get in to the room and when you didn't reply to our knocking and calls through the door we feared the worst. Then Shenshen walked by and said she had seen you leave the dorms an hour or so before."

"So we borrowed her umbrella and came to find you," Fiyero said.

"It took awhile," Glinda said. "You were quite far away from the dorms."

"I… I–" Her voice was choked off by a sudden twist of pain in her stomach but she tried to ignore it. "I didn't mean to walk so… so far."

"Are you sure you're well?" Fiyero asked.

Elphaba opened her mouth to tell the truth. She knew she had too, her pain was getting worse, but the same sense of shame overwhelmed her and the words she spoke were a lie. "I'm fine."

"Elphaba, if something's wrong… if you did something… you can tell us. You know that, right?"

"Nothing's wrong Fiyero." Elphaba's words were jerky, her voice angry. "Just drop it."

Fiyero frowned as he had a gut feeling that Elphaba was lying and that something _was_ wrong. He just didn't know what and as a result he couldn't speak to her about it. And if she refused to talk of the matter then there was nothing that anyone else could really do. He let out a small sigh as he watched Elphaba walk beside him. She was stiff, walking as if trying not to move too much. He wondered why but he knew that should he broach the subject the green girl would simply brush him off and make up some sort of excuse.

The three of them walked in an uneasy, tense silence until they reached the male dorms. Fiyero took his leave, somewhat hesitantly for fear of Elphaba's health, not wanting to risk sneaking in to the female dorms yet again. Elphaba and Glinda continued on their journey in complete silence.

They were only a few minutes away from the entrance to the girl's dorms when someone suddenly grabbed a hold of the umbrella handle in Elphaba's hand. The green girl gasped and spun around to face the intruder.

Avaric stared at her, eye's glistening with lust, as his hand held tightly on to the umbrella that was Elphaba's only true protection from the deadly rain around her. Glinda turned around when she noticed that Elphaba was no longer walking beside her and squealed when she laid eyes on Avaric.

Elphaba took in a shaky, deep breath. "Why… why must… you insist on tormenting me so? Have… have I not been enough sport for you yet? Or is… is your twisted sexual pleasure insatiable? And do… do you enjoy having your… your membrane burnt to a crisp?"

"What's with the umbrella?" he asked, ignoring her. "Don't enjoy the rain?"

"Not… not particularly."

The umbrella was torn from Elphaba's grasp and the green girl's eyes widened in horror as her only protection from the rain was pulled away from her. "No…" she whispered but any other protests she might've planned to say never passed her lips as the full force of the rain struck her.

She fell to her knees, covering her head as best as she could with her arms. A wretched sob escaped her throat, pulling at glass still imbedded in her, as the rain almost instantly soaked through her thin clothing and made contact with the skin beneath the cloth. Glinda cried out, reaching for the umbrella still held in Avaric's hand.

Avaric himself made no attempt to prevent the blonde from taking the umbrella from his grasp. Instead he was transfixed on the green girl's reaction to the rain on her body. He couldn't comprehend why she would cower so against the wetness but he found he had no desire to truly know. Whatever reason caused Elphaba to become a sobbing, crying baby when rain touched her was not something that Avaric wanted to concern himself with.

So he fled.

Glinda grabbed the umbrella Avaric dropped before it even hit the ground. Within seconds the blonde was kneeling in front of Elphaba with the umbrella once again shielding the green girl from the deadly water.

"Elphie?" Glinda whispered but the green girl made no verbal response. "Elphie, please… talk to me."

"It hurts," Elphaba replied in a mere whisper as she clutched her abdomen. She hadn't been this wet, this burnt, since the time she had nearly killed herself in the shower. But it wasn't just the rain that hurt… and she knew that. The sudden fall to her knees had wretched her stomach and she could taste the bile and fresh blood at the back of her throat.

"We have to get you to our room," Glinda whispered, her voice near tears. "We need to get you changed."

Elphaba shook her head slowly. "I don't think I can walk," she muttered. "Not without help. It hurts to move."

Glinda quickly looked around to try and find someone to help but all the students had already fled to the safety of the indoors. The blonde frowned in concern and returned her focus to her green roommate. "There's no one here to help Elphie," she whispered as she slowly stood up. "We have to get you inside on our own."

Elphaba nodded slightly, tears burning at the corners of her eyes. The green girl clasped Glinda's offered hand for support and tried to stand but her wet clothes pulled on painfully new and opened sores beneath the black cloth. She gasped and soon found herself back on her knees. Glinda looked around worriedly, hoping that someone would suddenly appear to save the day.

But there was no miracle rescuer. No hero.

Glinda wasn't even sure that if someone else had been near that they would offer their assistance. It was odd to the blonde. Sometimes the student body as a collective unit wouldn't mind the green girl and would leave her in peace, even offer her their help if she needed it. Yet at other times the students could not even stand the sight of the green girl and would send disgusted glares in her direction and even, to Glinda's horror, throw green beans at her.

It was an odd game of like and dislike that Glinda herself could not quite figure out.

A quiet moan of pain brought the blonde back from her mental pondering and Glinda was soon kneeling in front of Elphaba again. The umbrella carefully held up against the rain. "Elphie," she said. "We have to get you inside!" The blonde didn't notice the blood that was dripping down Elphaba's chin nor the fact that her green roommate was forcefully pushing against her stomach to try and dull the pain that had returned there.

Elphaba made to speak but suddenly she was clutching at her throat and she crumpled over herself. Her stomach began to twist in on itself and blood gurgled out of her mouth as strange, choked gasping sounds escaped from her throat.

Glinda nearly dropped the umbrella in shock but managed, just barely, to keep it above the now incapacitated green girl. "Elphie!" she screamed, horror and fear shaking her to the core. She crouched down even lower to the ground in an attempt to get closer to her friend and to try and see what was wrong.

All she could see was the blood. It pooled around Elphaba, swirling in strange patterns as the rain diluted it. It's colour was pale… milky… and even mixed with the water Glinda could tell it was far thicker than anyone's blood should be.

Something was terribly wrong.

"Elphie… please!" Salty tears were streaming down the blonde's face, mixing with the rain pelting down on them. "You have to stay with me!"

Elphaba's body began to convulse as she struggled to breathe around the blood that was choking her throat and preventing any air from entering her lungs. Her eyes widened in horror as she began to realize that she was dying. A green hand, covered in her own blood, shot out and grabbed on to the front of Glinda's wet dress. She clutched on for dear life… hoping, praying, begging to any Higher Being to save her.

Elphaba Thropp realized that she didn't _want_ to die.

Glinda stared in horror. Her own shock was debilitating her… freezing her on the spot. Her mind knew that time was running out but she could think of no action to take. Nothing came to mind as a possible solution to the problem before her. Realization hit her like a punch in the stomach.

She was going to have to watch her friend die in front of her.

Glinda screamed. A blood-curdling, ear-piercing scream that echoed around the two hunched forms and made Elphaba visibly flinch. The green girl raised pleading eyes to her blonde roommate as she found herself no longer caring how weak or pathetic she looked.

Facing death can change one's outlook on just how important appearances really are.

The umbrella fell from Glinda's grasp; landing with a strange, echoing thud. The rain seemed to shatter against Elphaba's strangely pale, strangely white, face. It burnt her skin but neither girl noticed that fact. Elphaba tried to talk but instead of words there was only blood. It gurgled from her opened mouth and there seemed no end to it.

Suddenly there was someone else. A student. Someone Glinda didn't recognize. He laid questioning eyes on the blonde. "What happened?" he asked but Glinda couldn't find her voice. She couldn't reply. She couldn't do anything.

She was useless.

"Elphaba?" the student asked, grasping the green girl's shoulder to try and steady her frantic struggling. "What's wrong?"

Elphaba tried to speak, tried to form words, but only blood came. She gurgled and her eyes rolled back, revealing only whiteness. Her body thrashed around until there was no more movement. The green hand that had grasped Glinda's dress as if it was her only lifeline went limp, falling to the hard ground with a loud thud.

Another student appeared, braving the rain to come to the rescue. And then another. Glinda recognized the final arrival, recognized Boq. And then the other two students clicked in her mind; Crope and Tibbett. Those friends of Boq… those dear boys.

Boq took one look at the situation, saw the blood that covered the ground, and promptly disposed of his stomach's contents. He wiped his mouth and rushed away… mumbling something about getting Fiyero.

One of the two remaining boys, Glinda couldn't tell through the rain if it was Crope or Tibbett, swept the now limp… nearly dead… form of Elphaba in his arms. The blonde watched, shock still keeping her nailed to the ground, as the two boys disappeared from sight. The shadows of the storm clouds stealing them from Glinda's watering eyes.

Glinda didn't know how long she sat there… how long fear and horror coursed through her body… but eventually a hand touched her shoulder. She looked up and her eyes saw Fiyero but her brain didn't register his presence. She looked away.

The blood, Elphaba's blood, ran in rivulets now. The rain had washed most of it off the brick path and in to the grass. It was strange… strange how the blood stained the grass in to nearly the same colour that it had stained Elphaba's own skin.

Fiyero kneeled down beside the blonde. "Where is she?" he asked softly.

There was no response.

"Glinda, please." Fiyero took the blonde's hand in his own and gently helped her to stand. "Where is Elphaba?"

"They took her," Glinda replied, not taking her eyes off the last of the blood as it was pushed by the rain in to the grass. "They took her because I couldn't do anything." Her voice was soft, quiet… detached.

"Where?" Fiyero wrapped a supportive arm around Glinda's shoulders. "Where did they take her?"

"I don't know." Glinda fingered her dress absentmindedly. "I… I would assume the infirmity."

Fiyero nodded and slowly led the shivering blonde towards the infirmity. Boq quickly grabbed the forgotten umbrella and followed behind. By the time they arrived at Shiz's sort-of hospital the nurses were already in frantic action. Crope and Tibbett stood near the door where they had first relented the care of Elphaba over to those better trained to deal with such a problem.

Then Glinda and Fiyero both noticed, at nearly the same time, the prone green figure on the bed. There was no way to shield her from prying eyes, no curtains to keep others from watching. And as so, like watching an accident about to happened, Fiyero and Glinda – even Boq was transfixed at the sight – stared, their eyes unblinking, as the nurses did all they could to save the green girl's life.

Blood soaked Elphaba's clothes, stained her skin, and covered the rickety bed she laid on. Too much blood. More than would have come from her mouth had she still been awake.

That's when they noticed what was truly going on. Her clothes had been torn from her body and one nurse was busy trying to dry the burning rain from the green skin while another was holding her shoulders against the bed. The third nurse, the oldest nurse, stood over the bed, muttering to herself and barking out directions, as her hands had disappeared inside of Elphaba.

_Inside_.

Glinda let out a small squeak of horror as she realized that she was watching a surgery. A poorly planned and not exactly medically correct surgery. They had given nothing to Elphaba to dull the pain – there had been no time. And should the surgery awaken the unconscious green girl there would be nothing they could do to still the terrible pain she would feel.

The nurse performing the surgery had a small bowl by her side where she would occasionally drop something she had taken from Elphaba's body in to it. Glinda slowly backed up until she hit the wall. Fiyero was beside her instantly, helping her sit down. Within seconds Boq, Crope, and Tibbett joined them on the floor. As a group they sat there in stunned silence; watching as the nurses worked to try and save Elphaba's life. They shared no words and never looked at each other… they couldn't turn their heads away in fear of Elphaba dying when they weren't looking. And yet… yet it was so painful for them all to continue watching the horrible scene unfolding in front of them. Glinda rested her head against Fiyero's shoulder as he wrapped his arm around her and held her close. Tears poured, unchecked, down her face and her hand reached out to grasp Boq's tightly in some sort of form of useless comfort and security.

A scream. A loud, pain-filled scream of terror echoed throughout the room and caused everyone to jump. Suddenly it was very clear how true what was happening really was.

Elphaba Thropp was awake.

The green girl was only semi-conscious… dragged from near death in to an incoherent state by the terrible pain coursing through her body. She didn't understand what was happening to her. All she knew was that she was in a pain so strong, so _different_, that she just wanted to get away. She flailed her body as she tried to escape from the torment she was under. Another nurse had to join the effort to hold her down… and then another. Until there was a nurse pinning her arms down, one holding her shoulders, and another all but sitting on her legs.

The surgery continued.

Elphaba, still struggling to escape, lifted her head up just enough to find a hand – two hands – imbedded in her abdomen. She screamed; tossing her head wildly but her attempts to free herself were useless. The nurses were not incredibly strong and had Elphaba been anywhere near as strong as she used to be then she would have been able to free herself with ease. However, for the benefit of all, Elphaba's body was weak from all that had occurred to her since arriving at Shiz and she could not break free from the nurses.

Glinda buried her face in to Fiyero's shoulder… unable to look at the terrified Elphaba any longer. The blonde wanted to leave but feared that when she came back her friend would be dead. "Boq," she whispered. "You should… you should get Nessa."

Boq nodded, grabbing the chance to leave. He let go of Glinda's hand and fled through the doors as fast as he could.

The nurses were shouting now… someone yelling for supplies and others screaming out instructions. The one with her hands inside of Elphaba was ignoring them all and simply carried on with her task. She would frown sometimes when the green girl struggled too much but made no complaints. She knew that there was no way they could keep Elphaba still now that she was awake and only semi-coherent of what was going on around her.

Elphaba wouldn't stop screaming. She wouldn't stop struggling. She could feel the hands inside her, rummaging in her body. It hurt terribly… beyond any pain she had ever felt. She didn't understand why there were hands inside of her… she didn't understand that the nurses were performing a surgery that was her only chance for survival. She didn't understand so therefore she was in a blind panic fueled by her pain.

"What's going on?" Glinda whispered, her voice muffled by Fiyero's shoulder.

"Don't look," Fiyero whispered. "I'll tell you when it's over."

"Can't… can't they give her something for the pain?"

"I'm sure that if they could they would." Fiyero hugged the blonde closer to him. He was transfixed on watching the surgery; he couldn't look away. He could barely even bring himself to blink.

Then as suddenly as it began it was over. The hole the nurse had created in Elphaba's abdomen was stitched up and the blood no longer flowed freely from its orifice. The screaming stopped and Elphaba was let go by the nurses. She rolled over, facing the group of students at the wall, and emptied the contents of her stomach. Bile and blood gurgled from her mouth, dripping down her chin, and fell in small rivulets to the floor below. Her hands clenched the soaked sheets as her eyes, hazy and confused, seemed to focus on nothing.

Glinda raised her head as an eerie silence fell over the room. "Is it over?" she whispered.

The nurse that had performed the majority of the surgery turned around, wiping her hands clean of Elphaba's blood with a small towel and slowly nodded. "We have done all we can," she replied. "But that does not guarantee success."

Fiyero nodded. "Thank you."

Glinda detangled herself from Fiyero and slowly stood up. She walked over to Elphaba as if she was drunk, stumbling over her own shock. The green girl laid still on her back now. Blood and bile still escaped from her mouth with every small, chocking cough that came from her throat. The nurses were changing the bedding… removing sheets from underneath Elphaba with as much care as they could. A thick blanket was pulled over the green girl's shaking, naked form and a nurse wiped the blood from Elphaba's face as gently as she could. Then all the nurses left to a back room to give the friends, Elphaba's friends, some privacy.

Elphaba took no notice of what was going on around her.

"Elphie?" Glinda whispered. She lifted the blanket slightly and grabbed a hold of a freezing cold green hand. "Elphie?"

The green girl didn't turn her head, didn't look at her blonde friend. She stared at the ceiling and seemed to not really comprehend what was going on around her. Her body shivered under the standard white sheets and she closed her eyes tightly. Then there was nothing. Her body seemed to shut-down. Her breathing came in slow, shallow gasps as her body became so weak it could no longer even shiver to stay warm.

Fiyero walked up beside the blonde. "Glinda?" he asked.

"She's going to die."

"We can't think like that," Fiyero whispered.

"What happened?" Glinda muttered as she squeezed Elphaba's limp hand in her own. "The rain couldn't have done this… could it?"

A nurse came over, a small bowl in her hand. "Do you recognize this at all?" she asked.

Both Fiyero and Glinda looked at the contents of the small bowl. Within lay small pieces of glass, green in colour and tinged with blood. "What is this?" Glinda asked in horror. "Where did this come from?"

The nurse sighed. "It's glass. It's what we removed from Miss Elphaba here."

Fiyero and Glinda both gasped in shock at the same moment. "Glass?" Fiyero questioned in horror. "Why was there glass?"

The nurse sighed, placing the bowl on a table nearby. "It was in her stomach, she swallowed it."

"Swallowed? As in… she accidentally swallowed it?" Glinda asked, letting go of Elphaba's hand and desperately grabbing on to Fiyero's arm for support.

The nurse raised an eyebrow in slight, but sad, amusement. "I daresay I don't know how someone could accidentally swallow glass. She did it on purpose… I assume."

"But why!" Glinda's voice was loud, screechy, and completely terrified. "Why would she do that!"

Fiyero turned the blonde around and hugged her tightly to him. She clutched on to his shirt in desperation and cried – soaking the thin fabric. She knew… she knew why Elphaba had done what she did. It was the same reason her mother had taken that one drink too many. They both had known their limits and they both had surpassed them on purpose.

Elphaba Thropp had wanted to die.

The wracking sobs that shook Glinda brought her to her knees and the only thing that kept her from curling in to a ball on the floor was Fiyero's supporting body. She leaned in to him, letting him take her full weight.

"This… this is my fault," she choked out.

"Glinda…" Fiyero's voice was quiet, soft, and whispered directly in to the blonde's ear. "Don't say that. This… this wasn't anyone's specific fault."

"I… I should… should never… have fought with her. I… should never have… pushed her away. She… needed me and… I… I ignored her."

"You can't blame yourself. None of us can blame ourselves. This was no one's fault."

"Then… what… what was it?"

"It was just a series of events that … that added up to too much for Elphaba to bear."

"We should have… been there… we should have… helped her…"

Fiyero let out a long, regretful sigh. "Sometimes people just have to hit a bottom before they can get better."

The door squeaked open. The quiet noise seemed impossibly loud in the strange silence. Both Fiyero and Glinda looked up from the floor to see that Nessa had entered, with Boq pushing her chair from behind. She was soaked from the short trip from the girls' dorm to the infirmity and, bless her heart, she looked surprisingly concerned.

Glinda got up quickly and moved out of the way of Nessarose's chair. Fiyero followed suit, grabbing a hold of the blonde's shaking hands in support. Boq pushed Nessa as close as he could to Elphaba's bed.

A pale hand reached forward, brushing a stray hair off of Elphaba's burnt face. "What happened?" Nessa asked, her voice choked with the tears that she was desperately trying to hold back.

Fiyero gently grabbed the bowl that the nurse had left on the nearby table. He held it towards Nessa and she took it with her face twisted in to an expression of confusion.

"Do you know what that is?" Fiyero asked.

Nessa's face screwed up in concentration as she thought long and hard about what was in the bowl. She picked up a small piece, turning it around and around and holding it up to get a better look at it. "There's blood on the pieces," Nessa observed… using the focus required to place the mysterious objects of the bowl to distract her from the grief that was bubbling in her at the sight of her sister so close to death.

"Nessa… do you know what they are?" Glinda's voice was soft, quiet… almost impossible to hear.

The youngest Thropp nodded. "It used to be a looking glass. It was… it was Elphaba's as a child but I used to cry for it. She gave it to me. It was her only toy and she… gave it to me."

"How did she get it back?" Fiyero asked.

"I gave it to her for her birthday." Nessa replaced the piece of glass she had picked up and handed the bowl back over to Fiyero. The prince set the bowl back down on the table. "I… I was mad at her," Nessa continued. "I still am. I… I guess it was to… to spite her. It was mean of me."

"Well… she swallowed it Nessa!" Glinda's voice was loud and cracking from emotion. "She broke it up and tried to kill herself with it!"

Nessa's eyes widened in shock. "She… she what?" Her voice was weak and her face expressed her horror.

"She tried to kill herself!" The blonde repeated, her eyes flashing with grief and guilt.

"Glinda!" Fiyero tugged at Glinda's arm, trying to pull her closer to him. "Stop this!"

"Suicide is a sin," Nessa whispered.

Glinda froze, her eyes widening in shook. "That's what comes to your mind!" The blonde was furious. "You find out your sister just tried to kill herself and all you can think of is whether her actions agree with the Unnamed God or not?"

"Glinda…" Fiyero tried to hold the furious blonde back but she could not be stopped. She shook of Fiyero's hold on her and stomped over to Nessa.

"What else am I suppose to think?" Nessa asked, turning her attention back to the prone green figure on the bed. "What else am I suppose to feel?"

"You should be upset! You should be concerned! You should feel some guilt!"

"Guilt?" Nessa turned honestly confused eyes towards the blonde. "Why in the world would _I_ feel guilty?"

"Because she's your sister!" Glinda was now standing right beside Nessa's chair and she kneeled down. Her voice fell to a whisper. "Because we… all of us… never did enough to help her."

Nessa looked back at Elphaba. "My sister doesn't need help. She never needs help."

"That's only what she wants people to believe."

"She's suppose to help me." Nessa's voice was rising with anger. "She's suppose to help _me_! Not the other way around!"

Glinda shuffled backwards, shocked and in horror at Nessa's reaction. "Your sister needs help and all you can think of is yourself?" The blonde's voice was a breathless whisper. "What of her? She's been through terrible things and no one has ever truly been there for her!"

"She's had a fine life," Nessa said. "We both have. Whatever are you getting at?"

Glinda turned horrified eyes towards Fiyero and he shared the same expression of shock. "You really believe that?" Fiyero asked as he noticed Glinda was now so angry that she was beyond the ability to speak. "You really think she had a fine childhood?"

"She was fed, she was clothed, she had a roof over her head. No more than me."

"Her father… your father… lit her on fire and made her jump in a lake to save herself!" Fiyero was beyond furious now. He was reaching a level of anger he had never experienced before. "A lake! She's allergic to water and _she_ had to jump _herself_ in to a lake! And you're actually trying to tell us that that's a _fine_ life to you!"

"I don't remember that," Nessa muttered, adverting her eyes to the floor. "I must have been too young."

"She was eleven!" Fiyero shouted. "You would've been… what? Eight? You remember! You just don't want to admit that you're the princess! You're the golden child! Elphaba's just nothing but the freak and the servant! Isn't she?"

Nessa suddenly buried her head in her hands. Tears poured from her eyes and she hiccupped with badly suppressed sobs. "Do… do you think I don't know that," she muttered. Any anger she had was gone now – replaced by grief and a terrible sense of guilt. "She's my sister. She's cared for me for… for forever. Yet… father would… would treat her so!" Nessa's head jerked up and she laid flashing eyes on Fiyero. "I couldn't stop him! I couldn't do anything! She was… she was so strong no matter what he did. No matter how he tried to break her. And… and I was always so… so weak." Her voice broke and she found herself barely able to breath around the lump in her throat. "She's never needed the Unnamed God," Nessa whispered. "I'm not that strong."

The room fell silent at Nessa's rare outburst. The youngest Thropp turned her head away from Fiyero and Glinda and stared at a cracked tile on the floor. Her mouth moved in silent words and she clasped her hands together. She was praying. Whether she was praying for her sister's life or praying for forgiveness for her words was unknown to the other occupants in the room but one thing was clear.

Nessa would say no more.

A nurse walked over to the group of students – Crope and Tibbett had left long ago – and waited until she had caught the attention of all. "The glass couldn't have been swallowed long ago," she said. "Who was the last one to be with Miss Elphaba?"

All eyes turned towards Glinda and the blonde shrugged. "I… I saw her this morning but… but I left the room before she did. Besides our exam earlier I hadn't seen her since… since now."

The nurse nodded sadly. "Be prepared for a… well… a not-to-pretty sight when you return to your room."

"What… what does _that_ mean?" Glinda finally stood up and Fiyero quickly grabbed a hold of her hand.

"She's lost a lot of blood, more than she lost here," the nurse explained. "Wherever she did what she did she must have lost blood there. And that place was probably your room… especially if it had been empty of all but her the whole day."

"Fi… Fiyero?" Glinda's voice was weak and pleading.

"I'll come with you," Fiyero whispered in to her ear. "Don't worry."

Nessa looked up to make eye contact with the nurse. She ignored everyone else. "Is my sister going to live?" she asked quietly.

The nurse sighed and walked over to Elphaba's bed. She laid a hand on the green neck and counted the far too slow pulse. "If she survives the next twenty-four hours then her chances are good," the nurse whispered.

"What are her chances for surviving the first twenty-four hours?" Nessa's voice was weak, barely a whisper.

"Do you want the truth or the comforting lie I could tell you?" the nurse's voice was soft, caring. She smiled sadly before turning and leaving. "If you stay try and be quiet. No more yelling," she called over her shoulder.

"She's going to die," Nessa whispered, grabbing a green hand in her own.

"Don't say that," Fiyero said as he held tightly on to the shaking form of Glinda.

"What am I going to do without you?" Nessa asked her unconscious sister.

Elphaba was barely breathing and the hand that Nessa was holding on to was ice cold. Green skin was burnt all over her body and Nessa knew that if her sister was awake the burns themselves would be a pain so terrible she would hardly be able to move. "What have you done?" Nessa whispered. "What drove you to such a drastic action?"

"Nessa…" Fiyero let go of Glinda for just a moment and kneeled down beside Nessa's chair. "Nessa… we should go. We shouldn't stay here."

"We can't leave her!" Nessa turned angry eyes to Fiyero.

"What if she dies!" Glinda spoke up. "We can't let her die alone!"

Fiyero sighed and stood up. "Look… I agree with you both but we can't just sit here for days on end until she wakes up."

"I am," Nessa said.

"Me too," Glinda added.

"If Glinda stays then so do I," Boq said, speaking the first words he had said in a long time.

Fiyero nodded and slowly stood up. "Very well then. I shall go find us some chairs."

"You… you don't want to stay, do you Fiyero?" Glinda asked.

The Vinkus prince sighed. "You think it is noble to sit here by her side as she dies. Tell me, have any of you watched as someone died before you?"

The three of them slowly shook their heads. "And you have?" Nessa asked.

"I come from a harsh land. The mortality rate for all is high. I've seen my friends die before me. Trust me… it is not easy and it is not something I would wish upon anyone."

"But she's our friend!" Glinda's voice was squeaky with disbelief.

"And your speaking as if she's dying!" Nessa squealed. A tone of voice that was not becoming of her.

Fiyero sighed, feeling as if he was the only one of them all with a firm grasp on reality. To him it seemed as if no one else had understood anything that the nurses had said and had simply blocked out all that they had seen. They didn't want to believe that Elphaba could be dying. They didn't want to face the horrible truth.

"It would be a miracle if Elphaba lives," Fiyero whispered but his voice was so quiet that no one else heard him. A fact that, in the end, was probably better for all.


	45. Of False Hope And Arguments

_"It would be a miracle if Elphaba lives," Fiyero whispered but his voice was so quiet that no one else heard him. A fact that, in the end, was probably better for all._

--

**Chapter Forty-Five: Of False Hope and Arguments **

The screams echoed throughout the room. Her terror and her pain was inconsolable. The fact that the nurses seemed to think that Elphaba just being awake and semi-conscious was a good sign did nothing to ease the heavy hearts of those that sat near in silence.

They had found out, long ago, that no words they could say would help calm down the green girl. No hand to hold, to squeeze in comfort, would bring her mind out from under its fog of terrible pain. All they could do was wait out the screams and the tears until Elphaba would work herself in to a frenzy so strong that she would simply fall back in to the bliss… the escape… of unconsciousness.

The nurses had tried to get Elphaba to drink whiskey whenever she would regain consciousness but the green girl was never calmed down enough to get the liquid down her throat. As a result there was nothing to help ease her pain.

A day and a half past by and Elphaba was still alive, exceeding the nurses expectations, but her health had not grown better. If anything it had grown worse. Even unconscious she would often choke on her blood. Blood that still bubbled up from the wounds in her stomach that the shards of glass had made. The nurses had tried to get her to lay on her side so that the blood would more easily flow out of her throat but no matter how many times they put her in that position she would just roll on to her back. The nurses eventually gave up and just let Elphaba lay however she wished. However, they did strap her wrists and ankles to the bed to prevent her from accidentally hurting herself when she woke up in one of her panicked fits of pain.

The sight of an unconscious, strapped down Elphaba did everything but give hope to those that sat by waiting for any sign of improvement.

Fiyero had left not long after the initial incident to clean Glinda's room. He had returned completely white and refused to say anything about the condition the dorm room had been in. He had since sat in the same chair with his arms crossed. He was neither awake nor asleep but every time Elphaba awoke her screams would cause him to flinch and he would stare only at the ground during her fits. His body would tense up and he relaxed only when Elphaba would fall back in to unconsciousness.

If Glinda noticed Fiyero's behaviour she never mentioned it. She had tried to keep up idle chatter but the only one who would ever reply was Boq. And even the Munchkin was too terrified of Elphaba's failing health to talk for long. As a result the blonde simply sat in her chair fidgeting with whatever she had on her. First it was her clothes, then her hair, then a pencil she found. Eventually even she fell completely silent in both voice and movement. She only sat on her chair staring at Elphaba. When the green girl would wake Glinda refused to look away from her struggling form. And every time she woke, without fail, Glinda would get up and hold a green hand in her own until Elphaba would become unconscious again. The blonde doubted that Elphaba even noticed such an action but that didn't bother Glinda. She was doing it more for herself – so she didn't feel completely useless.

Nessarose sat, in her wheelchair, beside Elphaba's bed. She fell asleep a few times, her head laying on her arms which were placed – crossed over each other – on the edge of her sister's bed. She would awake whenever Elphaba did – for it was impossible to sleep through the green girl's screams – and then she would turn her head away and stare at the floor during Elphaba's fits. She would close her eyes tightly and clasp her hands together. Her lips would move in silent words as she prayed for her sister's health. She spoke not a single word.

Boq moved the most out of the group of four. He would often pace back and forth. He couldn't shake his nervousness, he couldn't calm his fears. He was afraid. He was terrified. He had never seen anyone die before and the fact that he knew Elphaba from childhood was not helping him. He wanted to cry, to scream, to shout, to do _something_, but he couldn't. So he paced and he spoke to Glinda because it was some sort of distraction. And that's what he needed… a distraction. He wished he could just leave but he refused to be the only want not at hand when Elphaba died.

_When she dies._

Boq froze in his pacing and slowly turned to look at the fragile form of Elphaba. She was currently unconscious but the fact that she could awake in one of her fits at any moment was not lost on him.

"What is it?" Glinda asked as she noticed that the Munchkin had stopped his pacing.

"I'm thinking of Miss Elphaba as if there is no hope left. As if she is already dead."

Boq's words seemed to linger in the room. The four companions – the four friends – fell into an uneasy silence. Fiyero cocked his head slightly and thought over what the Munchkin had just said. "I've been doing the same thing," he replied.

Glinda and Nessa both turned wide eyes towards Fiyero. "But she's not dead!" Glinda screeched. "And you've been the one telling us all along to not think like that!"

"Doesn't mean that we all haven't thought like that." Fiyero was on his feet now. "Look at her!" His arm shot out, a finger pointing at the unconscious green girl on the bed looking as white as a green person could look. "She's dying and all you're doing is deluding yourself in to thinking she's going to be fine! The world isn't made of rainbows and fluffy bunnies! People die! Friends die!"

"You're being foolish!" Now it was Glinda's turn to leap to her feet. "You're not the Fiyero I know! The Fiyero I know, the _real_ Fiyero, would be supporting of us! He'd be… he'd be trying to make us believe that there's a chance. He'd be hopeful!" Glinda was crying again; the sobs choking her voice.

Nessa watched the exchange between the two lovers with horror. She couldn't understand how they could be so cruel to fight in the very room that her sister – their friend – was struggling to survive in.

"I only talk of hope when there's _actually_ hope in the situation to believe in!" Fiyero's face was getting red with anger, frustration, and shame at himself for not helping Elphaba sooner. And that's where his real anger was coming from. It wasn't coming from the fact that Glinda was screaming at him. It was coming from his own feelings of guilt and shame towards himself when it came to how he had failed to help Elphaba as much as he should have – as much as he could have.

"When is there not hope?" Glinda's voice was quieting in volume as her sadness was weighing her down. "There's always hope."

"In your perfect little life there's always a happy ending, isn't there?" Fiyero's words hurt the blonde, and he knew that – he meant that.

"My life isn't perfect!"

"It's damn near!"

"I was raised with an alcoholic mother who just drank herself to death not long ago!" Glinda was screaming again. "Does that sound like a perfect life to you!"

Fiyero was struck by such a strong force of shock that he could barely find his voice to speak. "You… you were _what_?"

"Oh, that's right." Glinda's voice was dripping with sarcasm now. "I never told you, did I? I'm sorry. But I guess you were just too busy being _Elphaba's_ _savior_ to pay any attention to what was going on in _my_ life!"

"I… Glinda… I didn't know."

"Of course you didn't know! I'm just the blonde idiot, aren't I? I'm just the superficial popular blonde who has the perfect life and _couldn't_ _possibly_ know hardship! Pain? No! Sadness? Never! What do you think I am? A little perfect doll raised to be the perfect socialist child? I _know_ pain Fiyero! I _know_ death and sadness and hardship! I'm not blind to it all!"

"I never said those things!"

"But you've implied them! I'm not stupid! I can see that you like Elphaba more than me, don't you? You respect her more! You think she's smarter! She's seen more of the bad side of life so you think that makes her better!"

"Glinda! How can you even say that?" Fiyero was in shock and incredibly angry at the blonde.

"And you want to fix her! She's broken and you just want to be the hero that rides in on his horse and sweeps her off her feet! You want to take her shattered soul and piece it back together! Don't you?"

"Glinda.. I–"

"Don't!" Glinda's face was a bright red in anger and frustration. "If you like Elphaba so much why don't you date _her_!"

"Stop!" Nessa's interrupted the quarreling couple. "Just shut-up!" Her voice was cracking with suppressed sobs. "If you want to fight go fight somewhere else! Not here! Not well my sister lays here fighting for _her_ life!"

The room fell silent and Glinda and Fiyero just stood there, staring at each other. Both of them were angry, both of them were furious. But both of them were really just using their anger to mask the grief that was bubbling inside of them. Then the attention was suddenly torn away from the fighting couple.

Elphaba screamed.


	46. Of Consciousness And Complications

_Elphaba screamed._

--

**Chapter Forty-Six: Of Consciousness and Complications **

A green hand flinched; jerking free from the pale hand that held it. Elphaba could hear nothing, see nothing, but she could feel a dull ache in her stomach and taste blood in her mouth. She was cold. Her hazy mind tried to piece together what was going on but she found herself missing huge chunks of time in her memory.

The realization unsettled her.

She forced her eyes open to be met with only whiteness. She blinked multiple times and shapes slowly began to come in to focus. Most were just shadows but slowly – very slowly – she could pick out objects. The ceiling. A table. A chair. People.

She frowned as she looked around the room. It wasn't the cold that bothered her in the first few moments of her waking… it was the silence.

Four people sat in four separate chairs. All sleeping. She smiled as she identified each person: Fiyero, Glinda, Boq, Nessa.

Nessa.

Elphaba ignored the growing ache in her abdomen and lifted her head up as much as she could with her failing strength. Nessa… her sister… was sleeping with her head resting on Elphaba's bed. It had been Nessa's hand that the green girl had pulled away from upon first regaining a normal level of consciousness. The realization struck such a cord of happiness in Elphaba that she nearly cried.

She tried to lift her hand, to touch Nessa, but it moved only an inch. Her whole body tensed as she realized that she was strapped down to the bed. Her breathing began to come in short, panicked gasps. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to calm herself down but she couldn't. She couldn't move. The thought terrified her.

Nessa awoke as soon as she felt her sister tense up. "Elphaba?" she questioned, grabbing hold of a green hand and squeezing it lightly. "Can you… can you hear me?"

"Un.. untie me," Elphaba said. Her voice was quiet and harsh as she could barely speak around the blood that had dried in the back of her throat.

"I can't do that," Nessa whispered, tears pooling in her eyes. "The nurses said we couldn't."

"What's going on?" Fiyero muttered as he slowly dragged himself from his sleep. "Who are you talking to Nessa?"

"Elphaba's awake."

Nessa's words sent a flurry of action in to motion. Fiyero, Glinda, and Boq all instantly woke up and were at the bed in moments. A second later Boq left to go get a nurse as the other three crowded far too close to the bed for Elphaba's comfort.

"Elphie?" Glinda questioned.

"Untie me," Elphaba repeated, her eyes still shut tightly and her body rigged in terror.

"We can't do that," Fiyero tried to explain.

"Please."

"You could hurt yourself."

"I… I'm not going to… to hurt myself." Elphaba tried to move her arms – pulling at the ties around her wrists.

"I'm not talking intentionally. I mean accidentally. You've been having fits, we had to tie you die to keep you safe."

Elphaba's eyes snapped open and the terror and pain that was held there shocked them all. "Ple–" Her words fell short as she started to cough violently. Her whole body shook and Fiyero took control of the situation immediately. He untied her wrists and motioned for Glinda to do the same to the ties on the green girl's ankles but the blonde didn't move.

"The nurses said–"

"She's going to choke to death on her own blood!" Fiyero snapped, interrupting the blonde's words. "Untie her so we can get her on her side!"

Glinda nodded and quickly set to work on her task. In a few moments Elphaba was freed from her constraints and Fiyero gently rolled her on to her side and held her there. She coughed, a strange gurgling sound emitting from her throat, and blood poured from her mouth – staining the bed sheets. Her body shook and her eyes rolled back in to her head. She was gasping loudly as the blood in her mouth and throat was impeding the passing of air in to her lungs and causing her to slowly choke herself. She was turning an odd colour of blue and the three friends that stood near could only watch in horror.

Suddenly the nurses were there – pushing the others out of the way. But they soon found that even with all their knowledge there was nothing that they could do to help. The only one who took any action was the nurse who had initially done the surgery to try and save Elphaba's life. She was the oldest nurse and all she did was cover Elphaba's mouth with her own and forcefully breathe in. She motioned for a bowl and another nurse quickly located one and handed it to her. She removed her lips from Elphaba's and spat in to the bowl. She was slowly but effectively removing the blood that had clogged the green girl's throat.

The process continued for seven long minutes. Each time the nurse would remove her lips to spit out the blood Elphaba would take choking gasps of air in a futile attempt to breathe. The four friends stood back in silence, Glinda clinging on to Fiyero for support, as terror grew inside of them. They had watched many of Elphaba's fits before but she had never choked on her own blood – not this severely – and the new horror was frightening to them all.

Eventually the blood stopped coming and the nurse halted in her life-saving administrations. She stood back – giving Elphaba room – and they all watched as the green girl shut her eyes tightly, curling in on herself and clutching her stomach tightly, and focused only on breathing. In time her choking gasps began to slow down. She didn't breath deeply, not even close, but she started to breath more regularly and her skin lost its blue tinge.

A nurse laid two fingers on Elphaba's neck and quietly counted the weak pulse that was there. She had a hushed conversation with all the other nurses and then the oldest nurse, the most knowledgeable nurse, turned to address the group of friends nearby while all the other nurses left.

"We can't say for sure," she said with a small smile. "But it seems Miss Elphaba has passed through the worse of it."

"Are you saying–"

"Yes, Miss Nessarose," the nurse interrupted. "If Miss Elphaba has no further complications then there's a very good chance that she shall survive." She smiled, nodded slightly, and disappeared in to the back room that the other nurses had already retreated to.

Glinda burst in to tears of joy and Fiyero had to hold her up. A grin exploded over the prince's face and he saw the same look of happiness and relief that was on his face mirrored in Boq's. Nessa nodded, a small smile appearing on her face, and she brushed at her eyes to wipe away her tears.

"See Fiyero," Glinda said, her voice muffled by his clothes as she had buried her head in his chest and was clinging on to his shirt. "There's always hope."

"I'm just glad I was proven wrong," he replied quietly.

"Nessa…"

The small whisper of a word cut through all talk in the room. Every person turned their full attention towards the shivering, curled up form of Elphaba on the bed. "Nessa…" she muttered again, not even opening her eyes to look at the world.

The youngest Thropp wheeled herself closer to her sister's bed. "Elphaba?" she asked, grabbing a green hand in her own. "What is it?"

"You… you came," Elphaba muttered, curling even more in to herself.

"Of course I would. I'm your sister."

"You hate me."

The words were like a slap to Nessa and she gasped sharply in shock. "I don't hate you I… I just don't always… agree with your decisions."

"I'm sorry."

Nessa shook her head. "Don't be. This wasn't your fault. We… I… should have listened to you more, should have helped you more."

"I was… selfish." Elphaba shuddered. "I was… running away again. Fiyero says that… that that's not… healthy."

"I saw what father did to you." Nessa's voice dropped to a whisper and she squeezed Elphaba's hand. "I know everything. Why can't you talk to me about it? Why won't you let me help?"

"You're my… little sister. I… I'm suppose to help you."

"You think it's your job to help everyone else. Why don't you let someone else help you?"

"Can… can we… not talk right now?" Elphaba's voice was choked with tears. "I… just wanted to… to apologize for… frightening you all. I… that wasn't my… intention."

"Was death your intention?" Fiyero asked, his voice soft and worried. "Did you really want to die?"

Silence. "No," Elphaba replied feebly after a few long minutes of not responding. "You… wouldn't understand why I… why I did it."

"Try us," Glinda said.

"_I_ don't even… understand why."

"You… you just did it?" Glinda's tone of voice revealed her shock. She was still clinging on to Fiyero's shirt but she had turned her head to face her green friend. "You swallowed a bunch of glass just… just _because_?"

"Glinda… please," Fiyero whispered in to her ear. "Not now."

"But you were just–"

"I was wondering, I was trying to comfort. Trying to get her to realize that it was okay to talk about it if she wanted to. Don't criticize her right now."

"My stomach hurts," Elphaba muttered, unknowingly interrupting the whispered conversation going on between Fiyero and Glinda. "A lot."

"I'll go find a nurse," Boq said as he had seemingly designated himself the one to go get anything that was needed. He had done it on purpose; so that he could feel like he was doing something.

Glinda detangled herself from Fiyero and made her way to Elphaba's side. She kneeled down at the edge of the bed. "What do you remember?" The blonde's voice was quiet, soothing.

"The glass." Elphaba finally opened her eyes but instead of looking at Glinda she looked only at her sister. "I… I'm sorry Nessa. Sorry for… for breaking your looking glass."

"Don't worry about it," Nessa replied. "It should have been yours the whole time anyways. It was not my place to cry for it. You… you had nothing but I still guilted you in… in to giving it to me. That was cruel of me and I ask for your forgiveness. I'm sorry."

"You were just a… a child Nessa. I should have… gave it to you from the… the start."

"Elphaba…" Nessa's voice was catching in her throat. "It was yours. I unfairly took it from you. I'm sorry."

Elphaba closed her eyes to still her tears. She nodded her head slowly as she realized that Nessarose would not be deterred nor did she have the strength to argue. "It's fine Nessa. I… I never care… cared for it… much any… ways."

"Yes you did!" Nessa shot back. "I remember hearing you crying over it for Oz's sake! Why can't you just admit your feelings? Why can't you just let yourself _feel_?"

"Nessa…" Glinda laid a hand on Nessa's arm to settle her down. "Don't start an argument. Now is not the time for petty fights and silly confrontations."

Nessa took a deep breath and slowly nodded. "Sorry," she whispered, adverting her eyes to the tile floor.

"Nessa… you have noth–"

"Elphaba," Glinda interrupted the green girl. "What do you remember?" she asked, effectively changing the subject and preventing a fight between the two Thropp sisters.

Elphaba turned her head so she didn't have to look at anyone. "Avaric," she muttered. "Avaric and the… the rain… and the… blood. There was a… a lot of blood. I re… remember that."

"You don't remember anything else?" Glinda's voice was twisted in shock and grief.

"Wa… waking up and it… it _hurt_." Elphaba's voice began to shake at the memory of the terror and the pain. "Some… someone was doing some… some sort of surgery or… something. It… it just hurt."

"Is that all?"

Elphaba nodded but the small movement was just barely seen by anyone.

"You don't remember waking up at any other time?"

"I… I don't know. There was… was pain. That… that's all I can… can really remember."

"You were having fits," Glinda replied softly. "You were mostly unconscious but whenever you did wake up you were in a lot of pain. You were inconsolable and no matter what we did it wouldn't calm you. That's why we had to tie you down… so you wouldn't hurt yourself."

Elphaba made no response. She rolled the rest of her body on to its side so that her back was facing the three friends. She hugged her knees to her chest as she tried to ignore the pain growing at an alarming rate in her stomach.

"Elphie?" Glinda questioned, turning worried eyes towards Fiyero. The Vinkus prince shrugged and moved closer to the green girl's bed.

Glinda turned her attention back to Elphaba but something else caught her eyes; something red. She frowned and peered underneath the open frame that the bed was sitting on and she found something that horrified her.

Red blood, sticky and thick, slowly dripped from the bed. Glinda stood up instantly and grabbed a hold of a green shoulder. She rolled Elphaba on to her back only to find that no blood was pouring from her mouth.

"Elphie?" Glinda asked quietly. "Is something wrong?"

Elphaba's eyes were tightly closed and her face had twisted in to a grimace of pain. "It hurts," she whimpered as she tried to hug her legs closer to her.

"What hurts?" Fiyero asked as he moved to stand beside Glinda.

"My… my sto… stomach."

"Where's Boq?" Glinda muttered. "He should be back by now."

"Glinda…" Fiyero's voice was strangely quiet, almost detached. "Pull back her bedding."

"Why?"

"Just do it."

The blonde nodded and grabbed a hold of the blankets that were covering Elphaba's shaking form. She pulled them back in one sudden jerk and promptly let out a sound that was neither a scream nor a sob but something halfway in-between the two.

Blood stained the bottom half of the bed. It had soaked through the thin mattress so much that it had begun dripping to the floor below which is what Glinda had seen.

"Nurse!" Fiyero screamed as he placed the back of his hand on Elphaba's forehead to find that she was completely ice cold.

"It _hurts_." Elphaba's voice was so quiet that she could barely be heard.

"I know." Fiyero leaned down so his mouth was right against Elphaba's ear and he slipped her hand in to her green one. "Squeeze my hand," he whispered. "Just until the nurses come. Can you do that for me?"

Elphaba nodded slightly as a moan of pain escaped her lips. She squeezed Fiyero's hand as hard as she could but she was so weak that the prince barely even felt it. "Try to squeeze harder," he whispered as he desperately hoped that the nurses would arrive soon.

His hope was proved true as a nurse suddenly shoved a bottle towards him. "Get her to drink this," she ordered and Fiyero nodded – pulling his hand free from Elphaba's and taking the bottle.

"You have to drink this, can you sit up?" Fiyero asked.

Elphaba made no verbal response but she did struggle to sit up against her pain. Fiyero wrapped his free arm around her waist and gently pulled her up; letting her rest her full weight against his arm. He placed the bottle at Elphaba's lips but the strong smell caused her to jerk her head away.

"Wha… what is… that?" she choked out, not even noticing the nurses as they pulled all the bedding away from her and were trying to examine her lower private areas.

"I think it's whiskey," Fiyero replied. "Drink it, it will help dull the pain." Fiyero placed the bottle at her lips again and tipped it slightly. Elphaba just barely parted her mouth to allow the liquid to enter. She swallowed the drink but a few moments later it did not bring her the relief that she had hoped it would.

Her eyes widened in shock, she clutched her stomach in pain, and she slumped forward. The whiskey did nothing to dull her pain… it only made it worse. Incredibly worse.

Fiyero moved the bottle away from her and someone, he didn't know who, took it from him. "What's wrong?" he asked as he placed a supporting hand on Elphaba's back.

"It hurts," she muttered. "I… you said it… it would… help." She was angry. In her pain she couldn't comprehend why Fiyero had given her something that had caused her pain to worsen.

"The nurses said it would," Fiyero tried to explain. "They must have been mistaken."

"Lay her down," a nurse ordered. "We have to make sure we know exactly where she's bleeding from."

Fiyero nodded, placing a hand on Elphaba's shoulder and gently pushing her down. "The nurses have to check you well… in the lower region, okay? Try not to panic, can you do that?"

"Why do you have to check her there?" Glinda asked the nurses. "Can't you just look and see where the blood's coming from? For Oz's sake there's only two possibilities!"

"Calm down Miss Glinda," a nurse distractedly said as she pulled a table near with equipment on it. "She had a self-induced and non-medically monitored miscarriage. We have to make sure that the stress hasn't affect her there."

Glinda frowned, not really understanding how stress could do anything to someone there but she didn't argue. Instead she just slipped her hand in to Elphaba's and the green girl squeezed it to try and distract herself from the pain.

She screamed.

Her body went completely rigid as she felt something cold and smooth inside of her. She tried to pull away, she tried to close her legs, but she couldn't move. Nurses were holding her legs open and Fiyero was holding her shoulders down to try and keep her still.

Elphaba jerked her body as she desperately tied to escape the new torment being done to her body. Her hand, the one not squeezing Glinda's hand, shot out and clutched on to Fiyero's shirt. "Make them stop!" she screamed. "Make them… make them take it… it out!" She could feel hands now. Hands inside of her, exploring her. Her breathing was short and rapid as her panic overwhelmed her.

"I can't do that," Fiyero whispered as he made his best attempt not to cry. He was almost completely over Elphaba now as he was holding both her shoulders down in an attempt to keep her struggling form still.

"Please…" She was pleading now, tears escaping from fearful eyes. "Stop… stop them. It… it hurts. You don… don't under… stand. Please… Fi… Fiyero… don't let them… hurt me. Please…"

"They don't mean to hurt you." Fiyero had to look away from the fragile form he was holding down in order to keep some sort of semblance of control over his emotions. "They're trying to help you."

"Please…" She was begging, crying, and in a blind panic. "Please… stop them. Please…"

"How much longer is this going to take?" Glinda asked the nurses, her voice quiet and choked. Elphaba was squeezing her hand so hard now that it was actually hurting the blonde but Glinda didn't try to pull her hand away.

"Not much longer," a nurse replied. "So far it looks like she's clear down here."

Elphaba closed her eyes against the pain and panic. Her face was paling and turning a dangerous shade of blue-tinged green as her panic was causing her to be unable to breath properly. She was no longer struggling to free herself as much but she was shaking violently.

Her body relaxed slightly as the hands and the cold object inside of her were both removed. She was let go and in an instant she had rolled on to her side, her back facing her friends. She curled up in to the fetal position to try and protect herself from the people she now perceived as threats. They could all hear her gasping for breath as she desperately tried to calm herself down.

"Elphaba?" Glinda asked quietly as the green hand let go of hers. "Elphie?"

"It hurts," she muttered.

"What hurts?" a nurse questioned, walking over to the side of Elphaba's bed and kneeling down in front of the distraught and hurting green girl.

"My… my stomach and… lower." Her voice was tense and quiet, her body stiff and shaking.

"What kind of pain?" the nurse pressed.

"My sto… stomach burns and every… everything else just… _hurts_."

The nurse nodded. "You're going to be okay Miss Elphaba, I want you to know that. Just try to rest now… try to sleep if you can, okay?"

Elphaba made a low, choking throaty noise and then fell completely silent. The nurse sighed and stood up slowly, wiping her hands clean on her clothing. "The head nurse will be with you all in a moment," she addressed to the four friends. "In the meantime try to calm down Miss Elphaba here and get her relaxed, okay?"

The four friends nodded as they watched, in silence, the nurses gather their equipment and leave to a back room. One nurse remained to change Elphaba's bedding with as much care as possible. She pulled a thick blanket over the shivering green form and for the first time the friends realized that Elphaba was still completely naked and both Fiyero and Bog turned a slight shade of red in embarrassment but they quickly recovered their composure.

"She's still bleeding." Glinda muttered.

The nurse changing Elphaba's bedding looked towards the blonde. "There's nothing we can do for that. I'm sorry." She smiled sadly before turning around and retreating in to the same back room that the other nurses had gone to.

Fiyero leaned over the bed, sneaking a hand under the bedding to grab a hold of Elphaba's hand for reassurance. "You did really well," he whispered in to her ear. "I'm really proud of you… we all are."

Elphaba shook her head slightly. "I… whined like… like a baby. I was… pathetic."

"You were _not_ pathetic. You were strong Elphaba," Fiyero continued reassuring the tense green girl. "You were great."

"I… I could argue with… with you all day and… and you would… not see my… my way… would you?"

Fiyero smiled. "No, because you are mistaken." He wiped away the tears that were burning Elphaba's already burnt skin.

"Elphaba…" Nessa meekly spoke up, saying the first words she had spoken in a long time.

"Yes Nessie?" Elphaba replied, falling back on Nessarose's old childhood nickname in her pain.

Nessa laughed quietly, sadly, at her sister's uses of her old name. "Try not to… to scare us like that again, please?"

Elphaba let out her own short, half-sob laugh. "I… I'll keep that… in… in mind lit… little Nessie." She began to relax slightly and Fiyero pulled away from her when he realized that his presence was no longer required, at least not so near to her.

"It… it still hurts," Elphaba muttered as she slowly unfurled herself from her fetal position and rolled on to her back.

"Your stomach?" Glinda asked.

"No." Elphaba let out a small moan of pain. "My sto… stomach just… burns. It hurts… lower."

"That's because the glass we didn't get out of you during the surgery has passed through your stomach and is now tearing up your intestines," a nurse, the oldest nurse, explained as she walked near. She stopped at the foot of Elphaba's bed and let out a low, harsh chuckle as she saw the horror-stricken faces of the green girl and her friends. "Don't worry," she said. "It sounds much worse than it is. It's actually very promising news."

"Pro… promising?" Elphaba whispered in disbelief. "It… it sounds hor… horrible and… it hurts… _a lot_."

"It means you'll be fine Miss Elphaba. It will hurt and you'll be on bed rest for quiet awhile but you'll _live_. The danger has passed."


	47. Of Control Or Trust

**_Author's Note: _**_Not my best work but I'm currently very sick which was the reason behind the delay in getting this chapter up. The editing is not up to my usual standards (some things don't flow all that well) but I figured, wtf?, and just posted it anyways because I'm really far too sick to try and edit right now. So if you see any mistakes politely point them out to me and I'll try to fix them, mkay?_

--

_"It means you'll be fine Miss Elphaba. It will hurt and you'll be on bed rest for quiet awhile but you'll _live_. The danger has passed."_

--

**Chapter Forty-Seven: Of Control or Trust**

Elphaba Thropp was alive.

She slept for most of the day now. No, not slept. She was passed out for most of the day now. The nurses had relented her care over to her friends, moving her to her dorm room, with orders to have her drink as much whiskey as she could stand. The wounds in her stomach had still not healed and therefore the whiskey burned like fire when it touched them. However, Elphaba had learnt to deal with the immediate pain in order for the result of a blissful sleep through the pain that still attacked her.

Fiyero did not agree with the nurses advice but he had nothing else to offer Elphaba for the pain so he gave her the whiskey. As a result he had not gotten a proper sentence out of Elphaba in over a week – no one had. Whenever she woke up she was either too drunk or too hung-over to have any sort of normal conversation and all she would ask for was more whiskey. If it wasn't for the fact that she still bled, though with not nearly as much frequency nor as much force as initially, he would have thought that Elphaba was using the whiskey to drown her emotions and not her pain.

In fact, even though she still bled Fiyero was beginning to fear that Elphaba was using the whiskey to drown out _everything_ she felt. A thought that greatly unnerved him.

A key rattled in the lock to the dorm room, shaking Fiyero from his thoughts. He looked up from his book and watched as Glinda opened the door and quietly entered. "Is she sleeping?" she asked as she sat down beside Fiyero on her bed.

He nodded. "She woke up earlier asking for whiskey. I gave it to her."

"She sure drinks that stuff a lot." Glinda handed a piece of paper to Fiyero. "History exam results. The professor is wondering where you two are."

"She's in a lot of pain," Fiyero muttered as he looked over his exam results. "Hey, I passed. Just barely but a pass nonetheless."

Glinda smiled. "So did I. And Elphaba got the best mark in the whole school! She only got two questions wrong. Imagine that!"

Fiyero sighed. "She'll be happy when she finds out."

Glinda's smile faded as she followed Fiyero's line of vision to lay eyes on the sleeping green form huddled beneath the blankets across the room from them. "She's getting better Fiyero. So why do you still fall in to such despair when someone speaks of her?"

"Because we led her to this place." Fiyero crumpled the piece of paper in his hand. "We failed to help her before she fell this fall."

"Fiyero…" Glinda scooted closer to her boyfriend. "This isn't our fault. You've told _me_ that a million times."

"When I see her like this it makes me want to travel all the way to her home and strangle that father of hers."

"Elphaba would hate you if you did that." Glinda rested her head on Fiyero's shoulder and he hugged her close. "Elphaba still loves her father," the blonde whispered. "At least, in some sort of strange way."

"I know." Fiyero frowned. "And that is, in itself, the sole problem. Don't you think?"

Glinda shrugged. "It could be but how can we really know? I don't think Elphaba even knows."

"She's not going to be happy when she finds out that we're not letting her go anywhere alone."

"If she hates us for it then that's her choice. This is her life on the line… I'll suffer through her hate if it means saving her life."

Fiyero opened his mouth to reply but a choked cough stopped his words before he even managed to say them. "Elphaba?" he asked quietly and a small groan escaped from the mound of blankets. "Elphaba?"

"Whi… whidkey," the green girl muttered.

Fiyero sighed and slowly stood up, giving Glinda enough time to remove herself from his shoulder and sit up on her own. The blonde remained on her bed, her feet dangling off the edge but not quite reaching the floor, as Fiyero grabbed the nearly empty bottle of whiskey from a drawer in Glinda's vanity.

He placed a hand on Elphaba's shoulder. "You've been drinking an awful lot," he said. "Do you really think that's wise?"

"Id… hurd," she mumbled as she poked a hand out of her cocoon of blankets and tried to reach for the bottle that Fiyero was holding.

"Physically or are you just trying to keep yourself from feeling again?"

"I would… why would… I dond lie… nod do… do you."

Fiyero sighed. Elphaba was drunk. "That's not an answer to what I asked."

"Whidkey."

"You haven't had anything but whiskey since this happened, and that's been over two weeks. You should eat something. Or, at the very least, have something else to drink."

"Whidkey."

Fiyero sighed and shoved the bottle towards Elphaba's searching hand. She grabbed it and it disappeared beneath the blankets.

"Don't be angry Fiyero," Glinda said. "She can't help her pain."

"She's just running away," Fiyero snapped out as he turned to face Glinda. "She's using her physical pain as an excuse to guilt us all in to giving her enough alcohol to keep her constantly drunk."

"Nod runding," Elphaba mumbled from beneath her sheets. "Id hurd."

"Keep telling yourself that." Fiyero's words were short with anger and frustration. "But one day all your lying to yourself is going to catch up to you."

The bottle rushed passed Fiyero's head and he instinctively jerked to the side to avoid it. It crashed against the wall behind Glinda's bed and the blonde squealed as she shot up in to a standing position and nearly jumped right in to Fiyero's arms in fear. The shattered bottle sent glass every which way and both Glinda and Fiyero had to shield their faces with their hands to protect themselves.

Slowly Fiyero turned around to lay cold, angry eyes on Elphaba but when he saw her his anger dissipated in to nothingness – replaced by an overwhelming sense of pity and grief. Her eyes were red, bloodshot, and her skin a sickly yellow tinge. The bedding had fallen to her waist when she had sat up to throw the bottle in her fury and as a result her thin frame was easy to seen. She wore a long nightgown over thick stockings in an attempt to stay warm but her collarbones could still be clearly seen. And the way her clothes seemed to just hang off of her was an obvious sign of the dramatic amount of weight that she had unintentionally lost.

"Nod runding!" she repeated, her body shaking with exhaustion and anger.

Fiyero ran a tired hand through his hair. "Then why are you drinking so much?"

"Id hurd."

"Does it really hurt _that_ much that you still need to drink?"

Elphaba stayed silent for a few moments as she tried to comprehend Fiyero's question through the hazy fog the whiskey had created around her. She adverted her eyes to stare at her hand as it played with the bedding. "No," she whispered.

Fiyero sat down on the edge of Elphaba's bed and grabbed a green hand in his own. "Then do you want us to stop giving you the whiskey?" he asked softly.

Elphaba shook her head. "Nod… nod really."

Fiyero sighed and rephrased his question. "Do you think you need us to stop giving you the whiskey?"

Elphaba raised her eye level to look at Fiyero but quickly looked back down to her hand. It wasn't playing with the bedding anymore, it was swallowed in the prince's own hand. "Why… why you… here?" she muttered.

"Don't change the subject. Answer the question."

Elphaba was silent for a long time. "Yed," she finally whispered, closing her eyes tightly against the tears that threatened to fall.

"Good, because I was going to stop giving it to you anyways."

Elphaba smiled slightly, peeking through her curtain of black hair to look up at Fiyero. "Id woud be judt… judt like you do… do do someding like dad."

Fiyero returned Elphaba's smile and gently pushed her down. "Go back to sleep," he said. "I'm going to go get you some milk, okay?"

She nodded as he pulled the blanket up to cover all of Elphaba's shaking form. She watched him leave the room, closing the door behind him as softly as he could. She didn't close her eyes. She didn't sleep. Instead she turned her head slightly to lay eyes on the blonde across from her. "I… I…" Her voice trailed off and she fell silent.

"What is it Elphie?" Glinda asked as she made her way to her friend. She sat down on the edge of Elphaba's bed and smiled down at the green girl.

"Don… dond re… rember whad I wad… wad goin do… do… say."

Glinda nodded. "That's fine Elphie, just try to sleep."

"Id hurd," she mumbled. "Cand sleep."

"What hurts?" Glinda asked, laying a supporting hand on Elphaba's shoulder.

The green girl sniffled. "Everyding."

Glinda nodded slightly and laid down beside her friend. Elphaba shrunk in to her, trying to use the blonde's body heat to raise her own. It didn't work particularly well. "I tired," she mumbled.

"I know." Glinda's voice was soft, quiet, and soothing. She began to whisper pure nonsense directly in to Elphaba's ear and the words, though making no sense, were spoken in such a tone that they managed to calm and relax the tense green girl.

Elphaba's eyes fluttered closed and her body completely relaxed as she fell asleep. Glinda stopped her random whispering and simply held her friend close to her to try and keep her warm. She was worried about how Elphaba still shivered.

A loud knock on the door startled both occupants in the room. Glinda silently cursed the Unnamed God for allowing such a disturbance to occur when Elphaba had just finally fell asleep.

"Glinda?" a female voice called through the door. "Are you in there?"

The blonde sighed and slowly untangled herself from Elphaba. The green girl looked towards Glinda with tired, confused eyes. Glinda smiled softly at her friend before making her way to the door. She slowly, cautiously, opened it just enough that should could squeeze through and address whoever was at the door in the hall and not actually have them enter the dorm room.

"Yes Shenshen?" she asked, the door shutting with a soft thud behind her.

Pfannee and Shenshen shared a concerned look before Pfannee addressed Glinda. "We're going shopping, do you want to come?"

Glinda smiled, the biggest smile she could fake at the moment. "I'm sorry but I can't."

Shenshen let out a heavy sigh. "Whatever are you doing all this time? We haven't seen you in for… forever!"

Glinda looked behind her nervously, as if she could see through her door, before turning back to face her friends. "Well… Elphie's been… well… she's been sick. She has this… this really bad stomach flu and well… me and Fiyero have been kind of… well… taking turns watching her."

"You'd rather spend time with the green bean then go shopping?" Pfannee was shocked. "Are you well?"

"I'm perfectly fine." Glinda was becoming slightly angry at her _friends_. "But Elphie is sick and she needs someone to take care of her. And in case you don't remember she _did_ save me from the river that time. I think it is not asking too much of me to help her now."

Shenshen shrugged. "Suit yourself. But when you're willing to come back to the land of the normal we'll be here." They both turned around and swiftly left, arms linked together and giggling in whispered gossip.

Glinda frowned and opened the door. She paused as she stepped in to the threshold of the dorm room because Elphaba was intently staring at her. It was unnerving.

"You… coud have gone… wid them," Elphaba said. She was sobering up but she was still slurring over her words.

"I didn't want to Elphie." Glinda smiled softly and sat back down on Elphaba's bed.

"I… I fine on my… my own."

"I'm not leaving you alone."

Elphaba propped herself up on her elbows so she could better look at her blonde roommate. "Why nod?"

Glinda let out a heavy sigh and adverted her eyes to the ground. "Me and Fiyero… well… we decided that… that we can't… trust you to be by yourself right now."

Elphaba was completely silent. Her breathing slowly got faster and faster and more and more shallow. "Why?" she whispered. "Why woud… you do thad?"

Glinda closed her eyes to stop her tears. "He told me about what you do," she muttered. "How you… you hurt yourself to deal with your… emotions. And look where that's ended up." Glinda opened her eyes and turned to look at Elphaba. She was crying now, unable to control her tears. "Next time… next time you might not make a miraculous recovery!"

Elphaba was furious. She could feel her anger growing, becoming uncontrollable. "Who do you two dink you are!" she screamed. "You cand condrol my life! You cand condrol what I do to myself! If hurding myself make me feel beder then I… I going to do dad no mader wad you two say!"

Glinda was on her feet now, knowing that Elphaba did not have the strength to stand up and defend herself. "First of all… you're too drunk to even come up with a coherent defense! And second of all… hurting yourself is not a healthy way to deal with your pain!"

Elphaba's eyes were flashing with fury. "Like you woud have any drue undersdanding of my pain!"

"I've never meant to imply such a thing! But I do know that when how you deal with your pain leads you to near death that something is _very_ wrong! And I, for one, am not going to stand by idle as you slowly bring upon your own death!"

"I woud do no sud ding!"

"Oh, so this whole nearly dying by swallowed broken glass was all intentional? Pray, tell me Miss Elphaba, did you have it all planned out?" Glinda's words were dripping was sarcasm and desperation, a strange tone of voice to mix with the tears that coursed down her face. "Did you figure out exactly how many pieces of glass you needed to swallow to bring yourself to the brink of death but not any closer? Because, if you did, dearly be kind enough to tell me so that I can just let you run rampant on your own with no care for your wellbeing or health at all!"

"I dond need you two galli… gallvanding around like you're my… my parends!"

"Well then maybe you should not have made any friends then Miss Elphaba! Because apparently all they do is just hamper your ability to cause yourself bodily harm! I guess you never took that in to account, did you? Or did you just plan on hiding your little _hobby_ forever? I mean, I have to admit that your green skin does a remarkable job of masking the scars but they're still there for those you care to look. I looked Miss Elphaba. I looked and I _saw_!" Her voice fell to a choked whisper. "How could I let you be like that? How could anyone?"

"Many people have," Elphaba muttered, speaking slowly and carefully in order not to slur her words. "Many… many people have and… and many people will continue too."

"Many _other_ people have and many _other_ people will continue to Miss Elphaba. But not Fiyero and me! We are not going to just let you kill yourself!"

Elphaba fell silent and slowly, very slowly, she pushed her bedding off of herself and removed herself from her bed. She stood up, using her nightstand to keep herself from wavering, and her face paled dangerously.

"Elphie," Glinda's voice was shaking with concern and her anger forgotten. "You shouldn't be standing." She reached out a hand to help steady her friend but Elphaba pushed it away.

"Dond… don't touch me!" she hissed, her words barely slurring anymore as the whiskey began to lose its grip on her. Unfortunately her shaking only escalated as the alcohol was filtered from her body. She had been consuming whiskey at such a large and constant rate for the last week or so that now she was beginning to experience severe withdrawal symptoms.

"Elphie please… please just lay back down."

Elphaba's anger overwhelmed her and she snapped. In one jerky, stumbling movement she had Glinda by the neck – pinning her against the bathroom door. The blonde's feet dangled nearly four feet above the floor as she desperately clawed at Elphaba's arms to try and escape but her efforts were futile. In her furry Elphaba was just too strong to be deterred.

"You do not own me!" the green girl hissed, her voice quiet and harsh yet impossibly loud. "You have no right to control my life!"

"I… I can't _breathe_," Glinda choked out as her skin slowly began to turn slightly blue.

"You have no right to decide what I do or do not do! You can't make my decisions for me! If I choose to hurt myself then that is _my_ choice! If I choose to drink then that is _my_ choice! And for Oz's sake if I choose to swallow glass then that is _my_ choice! Who do you think you are to give yourself the right to decide my choices for me!"

"We gave ourselves that right when we realized that you are no longer able to make rational decisions for yourself." The voice that spoke was soft, quiet, and all too familiar to Elphaba.

The green girl slowly turned her head to look at Fiyero as he now stood in the opened doorway; the glass of milk clenched tightly in his hand. "Let Glinda go," he whispered, his voice as soft and calming as it always was. "She can't breathe."

"She's trying to control me," Elphaba hissed between clenched teeth as she pushed Glinda even harder against the wall. "You both are!"

Fiyero's eyes darted between the enraged Elphaba and terrified Glinda for a few moments before he suddenly dropped the glass in his hand – it shattered against the floor – and was upon the green girl in a second. He grabbed her from behind, wrapping one arm around her waist and the other underneath her outstretched arms. He threw all his weight back, falling to the floor and bringing Elphaba with him. She stumbled backwards, releasing Glinda and falling on top of Fiyero. The blonde crumpled to the floor, resting on her hands and knees as she desperately gasped for air while Elphaba struggled against Fiyero.

The Vinkus prince held her firm; managing to twist himself around so that Elphaba was on the floor and he on top of her in order to better hold her still. He sat on her stomach, knees against the floor on either side of her, and pinned her wrists down above her head. She could still move her legs and took every advantage of that fact that she could but no matter how much she jerked or how much she flailed her lower body she could not escape from the strong hold that Fiyero had on her. Eventually she had struggled so much and worked herself in to such a frantic state of mind that exhaustion took over and she fell completely still.

"Glinda?" Fiyero questioned, his voice a quiet whisper in the silence that had fallen. He refused to take his eyes off of Elphaba's face for fear that she had still not calmed down enough to be trusted.

"I'm okay," she said, her breathing still unnaturally fast. She slowly crawled her way over to Elphaba's side and sat back on her heels.

The green girls eyes were tightly shut and her breathing was short and fast. Every few seconds she would try to jerk her wrists free or squirm underneath Fiyero's weight on her stomach but her subtle attempts to free herself were as useless as her previous attempts had been. Fiyero spared a quick glance towards Glinda and found that the blonde was rubbing her neck slowly and he frowned. "What caused this?" he asked as he returned his attention to the green girl he was holding down.

"I'm right here," Elphaba said through clenched teeth. Her voice was shaking with anger, exhaustion, and withdrawal from the whiskey. "Talk _to_ me, not around me!"

"Very well then." Fiyero sighed. "Why did you do that?" he asked Elphaba. "Why did you try to choke Glinda to death?"

"I wasn't trying to kill her."

"But you were choking her."

"I'm angry."

"Why?"

Elphaba let out a slow breath as she tried to find some sort of control over her fury. "You two are trying to control me."

"We're not trying to control you," Fiyero explained. "We're trying to help you."

"I can make my own decisions!"

"The decisions you are making aren't rational Elphaba." Fiyero closed his eyes to still his own tears as he tried to find some sort of way to explain to the distraught green girl what was going on. "But because you're confused and not thinking rationally you don't realize that what you're doing is irrational."

"I'm not confused!" Elphaba's eyes snapped open and once again she tried, but failed, to escape Fiyero's hold on her. "I understand exactly what I'm doing!"

Fiyero opened his own eyes and stared in to the hazy brown eyes below him. "You have to try and trust us Elphaba. We're not going to harm you. We're not going to hurt you. We're helping you."

"I don't need your help!"

"You were just choking Glinda!" Fiyero was yelling now as he was desperately trying to make Elphaba understand. "How does that seem like a rational decision to you!"

"I'm not giving over _my_ control over _my_ life to you two!" Elphaba's voice was angry, loud, and on the very brink of choking sobs.

"We're not asking you to give over your control," Glinda whispered, cutting through whatever frustrated retort Fiyero had planned to say. "We're just asking you to trust us."

Elphaba laughed; a cackle so loud and piercing that it made both Fiyero and Glinda flinch. "Trust?" she questioned, her voice coloured with skepticism. "Trust! All trust comes down to is control!"

"We're not your father!" Fiyero screamed. "Can't you see that! We're not going to hurt you! We're not go–"

"By not letting me hurt myself you're hurting me even more!" Elphaba screamed back, interrupting Fiyero. "Can't _you_ see that!"

"Stop yelling at each other," Glinda cut in, her voice a meek whisper compared to the two loud voices of Fiyero and Elphaba. "Screaming and fighting isn't going to solve anything."

"Shut-up!" Elphaba screamed. "Neither of you understand! Neither of you are thinking of _me_!"

"That's all we're doing!" Fiyero yelled. "Do you not see how much we've given up to try and help you!"

"Just go!" Elphaba tried to free herself again but she was getting tired, weaker, and her attempts were pitiful and small. "Leave me the fuck alone!"

Fiyero fell silent, closing his eyes and turning his head away to try and stop his tears. He couldn't. A few slowly traced a path down his face. "We're not going to do that," he whispered, his voice barely finding a path around the lump in his throat. "We're not leaving you alone."

"Fiyero?" Elphaba asked, her voice suddenly quiet and shocked. "Are… are you… _crying_?"

Fiyero sniffled, shaking his head slightly. "Maybe," he whispered.

Elphaba could feel her anger dissipating. Her body slackened, losing the tension that it had held from her panic and fury. "I… I didn't mean to… to make you upset. Please… Fiyero… don't cry… don't cry for me. Please…"

Fiyero sensed Elphaba's body relaxing and deemed her calmed down enough to at least let her arms go. He dropped his hands from her wrists but remained on her stomach.

"Fiyero… please…" Elphaba continued pleading. "Don't cry. I… I'm not wor–"

"Don't say your not worth my tears," Fiyero interrupted as he turned to look at her again. "Because you are! And if I'm going to cry it's going to damn well be for something important!"

Elphaba tensed up slightly at Fiyero's words but relaxed almost instantly. She rubbed her now free wrists to try and still the stinging that resided there. "I'm sorry," she muttered.

A hand grabbed hers and squeezed it. Elphaba looked down to see a pale hand holding her green one. She let her eyes follow up the arm attached to the hand to lay eyes on Glinda. She could see the redness that still lingered on the blonde's pale neck and a feeling of horror and disgust at herself bubbled inside of her. She had to look away.

"I… I didn't mean… to…" Elphaba mumbled out between clenched teeth as she desperately tried to hold back her tears. "Well… I don't know what… what overcame me. I… never wanted to… to harm anyone. Glinda… please… I… I'm sorry. I didn't… I never… I'm so very sorry."

Glinda smiled softly. "It's okay Elphie," she said, squeezing the green hand even more. "It's fine. I'm fine. Don't worry about it."

Fiyero slowly removed himself from Elphaba and stood up. He was worried about the green girl's sudden change in mood and temperament but he knew that if he couldn't trust Elphaba then how would Elphaba ever be able to trust him? So he sighed slightly and helped the green girl to stand. She didn't reject his assistance and she wavered as she stood. He held on to her arm tightly and she leaned on him for support.

Glinda still held her hand.

Fiyero led the physically and emotionally exhausted green girl to her bed and laid her down. "Try to sleep, okay?" he said as he pulled the bedding over her shaking body. "Will be right here when you wake up, I promise you that."

"Of course you will," Elphaba muttered as she folded in on herself. "But I guess I have to get used to that."

"I'm afraid you will," Fiyero whispered as Glinda finally let go of Elphaba's hand.

The green girl mumbled something incomprehensible before her breathing became quiet and regular – the only sign that there ever was that she had fallen asleep. Fiyero wasn't surprised. Her outburst had to have tired her to near exhaustion so it had come of no shock to him that she had slept almost as soon as she had laid down in her bed.

A sniffle from behind him brought Fiyero out from his thoughts and he turned around to find Glinda sitting on her bed – making sure to avoid the glass that had fallen there from the broken whiskey bottle – with tears pouring down her face. "What has… what has happened to her?" the blonde choked out. "Why is she acting so… so erratically? One moment she's fine and the next moment she's this… this angry monster!"

Fiyero sat down beside his girlfriend, also careful of the broken glass, and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. He pulled her close and she rested her head on his shoulder. "She's upset," Fiyero whispered. "She's angry and upset and confused. Not too mention in pain, both physically and emotionally. We have to be prepared for these kind of mood swings and outbursts. She's comfortable with us now. She trusts us, whether she realizes it or not, and because of that she's letting her guard down."

"Did we make a mistake Fiyero?" Glinda's voice was choked with sobs. "Can we handle this? Can we really help her?"

Fiyero let out a heavy sigh and hugged the blonde closer to him. "I don't know," he whispered, wiping at his eyes to brush away his own tears. "But we're damn well going to try."


	48. The Escapade

_"I don't know," he whispered, wiping at his eyes to brush away his own tears. "But we're damn well going to try." _

--

**Chapter Forty-Eight: The Escapade**

Elphaba sat on the roof. Alone. She watched the sun setting, casting its pale light across the sky in one last attempt to keep the world alight. Her nails dug in to the soft flesh of her wrist but they were not nearly sharp enough to draw blood. She cursed her own weakness.

She had fled the confinements of her room as soon as Fiyero had left for but a moment. He had gone to the bathroom to relieve himself and she had taken her opportunity to escape his watch. She hadn't been alone since the incident and initially she had barely even noticed. But then, she had been fighting her injuries and withdrawal from the whiskey so the comfort that Glinda and Fiyero had brought her had been welcomed.

Now it felt as if she was going to go insane. They would not leave her alone for even a moment. At night Glinda would stay up for the first half of the evening then Fiyero would sneak in to their dorm room to stay up for the second half. As a result, not only did Elphaba feel completely smothered by them but now she also felt guilty for causing them to lose so much rest. But whenever she tried to talk to them about it they would tell her not to worry.

In truth she knew what they were doing was the right thing. In truth she knew that she could not be trusted on her own. But what she knew and what she wanted were two completely different things. Elphaba Thropp was not a social person and as a result she _needed_ her space… her time alone. And she had finally gotten in.

Unfortunately, all her escapade had done was prove to herself that she could not be allowed to flee the safety confines of her friends. She sat now on the roof trying with all her might to harm herself – to draw blood with her own nails. She could recognize the behaviour as irrational and improper but she could not bring herself to stop. It had been so long since she had been able to even attempt any sort of release and it had been driving her to the brink of insanity. Fiyero had begged and pleaded with her to just _talk_ but she had been unable to bring herself to do such a thing.

Her near death experience had not brought upon any sort of epiphany or life-alerting view on her life. If anything it had made her number, colder, and more determined to deal with everything on her own. She was distancing herself from her friends, her few friends, and she knew that but could not help herself. She needed to talk to them but she didn't want to. And at the moment her want was overpowering her need.

A hand touched her own, stopping her futile attempts to harm herself. She looked up to find Fiyero kneeling beside her and quickly looked away. "I'm sorry," she muttered; her voice shallow, cold, distant. She shuddered.

"Talk to me." Fiyero's voice held a hint of pleading underneath the soothing calmness it always held. "Please."

Elphaba shook her head slightly, barely. She tried to pull her hand away but Fiyero's grasp was too strong, too tight. She couldn't escape.

"You've barely spoken a word. Elphaba… please…"

"No." The word escaped Elphaba's lips with much more anger and hurt then she had intended it to but once spoken she couldn't take it back.

"Why are you doing this?" Fiyero tried to pull Elphaba closer to him but she struggled to keep as much distant between them as she could. He sighed. "Why are you closing herself off from us? After all we've been through together why are you shutting us out?"

Elphaba shrugged. "There's nothing to say," she whispered.

"That's a lie and you know that."

"I cannot talk."

"You've talked before, why not now?"

"I… I don't want to… remember." Her voice was choked slightly as she tried to suppress her sobs. "I… cannot let my… myself remember."

"Why?"

Elphaba hugged her legs to her chest but left her hand within Fiyero's grasp. "It hurts," she muttered, resting her chin on her knees and closing her eyes. "It hurts to remember."

"Talking will help release that pain."

Elphaba shook her head slightly. "No it won't. The only release I've ever had you and Glinda have taken from me. How can I face that pain now if I have no way to get rid of it?"

"So you would talk if we let you harm yourself afterwards?"

"Yes."

Fiyero frowned. He found that a part of himself was very willing to allow such a thing to occur. He wondered that perhaps allowing Elphaba to harm herself would not be so bad if it got her to talk.

"What if… what if I said I would let you harm yourself if I could supervise you? Make sure you did not stray to far in to your pain. Would you talk then?"

"I cannot let someone watch," she whispered. "It's shameful enough without having an audience to judge me."

"Wait a moment." Fiyero's voice took on a tone of disgust and horror directed at only himself. "What in Oz am I doing?" He shook his head to clear his thoughts. "I cannot negotiate this with you. This is foolish talk. How could I even think to try and negotiate with you about harming yourself?"

A shiver crawled up Elphaba's spine and she shuddered. For an instant she had hoped that she would be able to convince Fiyero to allow her the release she had been desperately wishing for but he had not fallen for her word games. She let out a heavy sigh and she felt Fiyero squeezing her hand gently.

"How did you find me?" she asked, turning her head to look in the exact opposite direction of where Fiyero kneeled.

"I hadn't heard the door open when I was in the bathroom so the only other place you could have left from was the window."

"How did you know I would be on the roof?"

"I didn't… I just guessed."

Elphaba smiled slightly, knowing that Fiyero couldn't see the action. "I don't know what I'm doing anymore," she whispered.

"Realizing that is the first step," Fiyero said, once again trying to pull Elphaba closer to him but she still refused to move.

"I don't mean to push you two away. I just… don't know what else to do."

"Write a letter."

Elphaba frowned and finally looked at Fiyero. "What?" she asked, genuinely confused.

"Write a letter to your father," Fiyero explained. "Writing it down will make it real, will make it tangible. You don't have to mail it. You don't even have to read it afterwards."

"How would that help?" Her eyes were red, blinking rapidly, as she tried to stop herself from crying.

"You'll be forced to face your past, even if all you write about is your feelings and not the actual actions themselves. But you won't be forced to find your voice nor to speak to anyone of it. I'll read the letter if you want me to but if not then that's fine. Keep it or throw it away as soon as your done, it doesn't matter. Just knowing that you _could_ write it might be enough to at least begin to help you face your past."

Elphaba nodded. A small, sad smile graced her face. "Perhaps I'll try that," she whispered as Fiyero stood up.

He held out a hand for Elphaba and the green girl took it without resistance. She slowly stood up, her shaking body preventing her from acquiring a steady foothold on the slanted roof. It took nearly twenty minutes before Fiyero managed to get Elphaba safely back in to her dorm room. The green girl sat down on her bed and Fiyero joined her. He placed and arm around her shoulder and pulled her close.

"I'm cold," she muttered, her eyes fluttering closed.

"You need to eat more," Fiyero replied. "That's why you're always so cold."

"It hurts to eat."

"I know, but you still need to."

"I've never been much of an eater."

"The more you eat the hungrier you'll find yourself." Fiyero pulled Elphaba even closer to her and he felt her body relax against his.

Elphaba let out a heavy sigh. "There's something I have to tell you," she whispered.

Fiyero looked down and watched Elphaba as he body tensed up and she rested her head against the Vinkus prince's shoulder. "Yes?" he pressed.

"I'm almost always hungry."

Fiyero frowned. "Then why don't you eat?"

"Hunger pains hurt." Her voice fell to a whisper.

Fiyero closed his eyes and bit his lower lip in realization. "A form of harming yourself," he muttered.

Elphaba nodded, the movement difficult as her head still rested on his shoulder. "I'm sorry."

"I cannot force you to eat."

"I know." Elphaba opened her eyes and looked up at the prince's face. His eyes were closed tightly and she sighed. "It's the only thing that I still have ultimate control over."

"Controlling what you eat is not going to bring you the control you're seeking in the rest of you life."

"It brings me comfort."

"It's unhealthy. It's deadly even."

"I'm not going to starve myself to death."

"How can you be certain of that?"

Elphaba grabbed Fiyero's hand in her own and squeezed it. The prince opened his eyes at the feeling of the human contact that was so oddly initiated by the green girl. He looked at her face, seeing the despair that lingered in the depths of her eyes.

"Because I know now that killing myself would be a foolish and irrational act. This pain isn't going to last forever… I'm going to make certain of that."

Fiyero smiled sadly. "I'm glad you've realized that."

"I wouldn't have been able to without your help."

"That's what friends are for… to help each other in their need."

Elphaba nodded and let her eyes shut again. "I'm tired."

Fiyero gently pushed the green girl down and she shifted her position slightly to better get comfortable as she laid on her bed. "Sleep. Don't try to fight your exhaustion."

"I'm always tired now," Elphaba muttered. "It's pathetic. All I do is sleep."

"It's not pathetic," Fiyero assured her. "And it's probably because you're not eating."

The green girl shrugged as Fiyero pulled the bedding over her. "I'll eat tomorrow," she said, her voice muffled as she buried her head in to the warmth of her pillow.

"Promise?"

"Promise."

--

**_Author's Note: _**_I'm highly disappointed with this chapter as a whole (especially the ending line) but once again I'm too sick to try and edit it anymore at the moment. And it is a necessary chapter to get things moving again in this story so it had to be written. I promise the next chapter shall be better. Oh, and also, thanks are in order to everyone for the reviews. I've now hit over 100! So_…_ yah! Thanks to all who have read and all those who have reviewed. Thank you!_


	49. Writing And Words

_**Author's Note: **There's mention of Shell in this chapter. If you don't know who he is then I'll just tell you. He's Elphaba's little brother and Melena died in childbirth with him. He's mentioned in the Wicked book, though not particularly much, so if you are only familiar with the musical then you would not know him. All you need to know is that he is Elphaba's brother and around the age of ten or so right now (whether he really would be in canon, I don't know. But for all sakes and purposes of this story that is the age I've placed him at)._

--

_"Promise?"_

_"Promise."_

--

**Chapter Forty-Nine: Writing and Words**

The pen scrapped against old parchment as the green hand wrote at such a fast and frantic pace that the letters ran and blended together in some parts. Tears pooled in her eyes but she constantly kept blinking to try and keep them from falling. Even so, some of her tears still stained the parchment she was writing on.

_Dear Frexspar Thropp,_

_I write to you today without any hope or expectation of response. There's a part of me Frexspar – and I call you Frexspar on your own insistence from out last meeting – that still loves you in some strange, twisted way. I don't write to ask for your forgiveness or to repent for my sins but rather to heal myself. You've hurt me Frex, far more than I think you even realize, and I resent you for that. I don't hate you, I don't think I could ever hate my own father, but I hate the actions you took against me. You chastise me for my sins and yet haven't you sinned just as I? You abused me, beat me, raped me – actions that some would call torture – yet these are not sins in your mind? Is it then that a sin made in order to attempt to save another changes the sinful nature of the act? I did nothing wrong as a child save being born green and yet you sinned a million times over to try and fix that unfixable problem. Do you see nothing wrong with that? You are a hypocrite Frex; following the Unnamed God only when you see fit. If I was a woman of prayer – which you know that I am not – then I would pray for forgiveness for your soul, not mine._

_I hope you can find it within your heart to tell Shell for me that I love him and I will dearly miss him; I doubt now that I will ever return home nor see him again. He's a quiet boy, one easy to corrupt, and I hope that he will be able to escape the very brainwashing that has nearly stolen Nessa from me. Is it not ironic, Frexspar, that mother died giving birth to the son she so desperately wanted? I remember that day clearly – the blood and the screams and the unmistakable smell of death. Do you not find it odd that both Ness and I were born with such… distasteful – for lack of a better term – qualities while Shell, the only child that was certainly fathered by yourself, was born a perfectly healthy and normal baby boy? I remember Turtle Heart and the strange relationship he had with mother and you. He could quite possibly by Nessa's true father – I know you know this – and yet still you have always cared for Ness more than I. Was that simply a way to make up for the fact that you could not give mother all that she needed? And look at Nessa, born unable to walk. It begs the question of whether I was truly fathered by you or if I, like Nessa, may have been born the fruit of some illustrious affair of mother's? I guess it matters not in the full scheme of life but I can't help but wonder. You and Nessa have your Unnamed God… I have my ponderings and thoughts._

The door opened to her dorm room. She didn't look up to see who it was. She knew already. It was the changing of the guard. Fiyero got up from his spot on the blonde's bed, kissed his girlfriend and whispered a few words to her, and then left. Glinda sat down on the spot that Fiyero had so recently occupied. She looked at her green roommate, writing frantically, but spoke no words.

_There's a part of me that regrets Nessa's birth. You seem to have convinced yourself that Nessa is a child of both you and Turtle Heart and therefore will always be worth more than me. I cannot see the logic in this but then, I have never claimed to understand your turbulent and hypocritical mind. You beat me to within an inch of my life, using my severe allergic reaction to water against me, in the name of the Unnamed God. Yet your actions were the very sins that you condemn others for! For Oz's sake you used to rape me! Are you shocked Frex? Did you think I would not remember? It was after mother died… when you got far too deep in to the whiskey. I still remember the smell of your breath as you kissed me – thinking I was your dear Melena. How does it feel father? How does it feel to be reminded of the times when you forced your own child to have sex with you. I used to blame myself – I still do sometimes – but I've come to realize that those two years of sporadic sexual torment was due to no wrong actions on my part. You were the one who failed to still your grief. You were the one who failed to control your alcohol consumption. And you were the one who failed to tell the difference between your own terrified daughter and the memory of your dead wife. You gradually pulled yourself out of your despair and came to realize what you had been doing to me for all that time. You tried to forget your own sinful and disgusting actions but I saw the memories in your eyes when you looked at me. I've often found myself wondering if that was the very reason why you beat me so – for the beatings got much worse after those two years. Was it to keep me away from you so that the sight of me would not remind you of the incestuous rapes you had committed? Or were you trying to beat your own sin from your mind by striking me? I doubt I will ever know the answer – if you even have one to give – but I've come to understand and accept that._

Her pen froze, poised on the parchment as if she had just lost her train of thought. She hadn't though… she just couldn't find it within herself to continue writing. Her hand gripped the pen far too forcefully and in a moment of utter despair she buried her head in her hands. Her shoulders shook as she desperately tried to suppress her sobs and keep herself from crying. Her attempt, however, was useless. Salty tears burned her face and hands as her will to keep in control of herself began to falter.

Glinda was suddenly by her side, kneeling down and laying a supporting hand on the green girl's shoulder. "Elphie?" she asked quietly. "Elphie?"

A green hand pulled away from a tear-stained face and grabbed a hold of Glinda's pale hand on her shoulder. Elphaba clutched on to Glinda as if she was a lifeline to reality until she could regain back her composure. Once calmed down the green girl released Glinda's hand and returned her attention back to her letter. The pen began to write at an even faster and more sporadic rate as Elphaba desperately tried to write down all she needed to before she could no longer bear to face her past any longer.

_I will always hate you for those two years more than any other torment you suffered upon me. I was still a child – not even near the development stages of young womanhood. I had the thin, stick frame of a tween still when you stole my virginity from me. You took from me what is so near and treasured to a woman before I even knew what such a thing was! I bled first for my father instead of for my husband – should I have ever found such a man for myself – and that is a disgusting thought! Did you ever know that I thought what you had did to me was normal? I used to cry in to my pillow at the very thought of Nessa going thought the torment I had endured. It wasn't until Nessa asked me – when I was at the tender age of fourteen, maybe even fifteen – why I cried in to my pillow at night when it burned my skin so. When I told her of my fears and worries she had gawked at me in horror. She was only eleven or so but she understood the bare necessities of sex and when she informed me that what you had done was not normal I was shocked. Imagine my relief when I realized that you had not suffered Nessa to endure the torment you had suffered upon me! I wept with joy at Nessa's luck at being spared such torment but my happiness was soon replaced with horror. I could no longer deny to myself of what had occurred; rape and incest. My own father had raped me for two years! I could no longer deny the truth so I chose to ignore it. I buried the memories and the pain in my mind and have only now began to face that terrible time in my childhood. The pain has always lingered with me, I can see that now, but perhaps one day I will be able to conquer that pain with the help of my friends._

_Yes, my friends Frexspar. I have not acquired many but the ones I have are very dear to me. They give me the care and attention that I had never before experience – save from dear old Nanny and Turtle Heart before he died. They love me, in a way that only friends can. Their love and friendship, however, will never be able to fill the empty void in my lost soul that was always waiting for the love I never received from mother or yourself. So I guess you can take some pride in that father. Your beatings, your rapes, and your tortures has left me with a large, thick scar on my heart that will forever taint me and leave me feeling just ever-so-slightly empty inside. Smile at that last sentence father, I won't mind. You always sought to permanently hurt me and I never thought you had until now. But I've been told, by my friends, that accepting the pain and the scars – emotionally, mentally, and physically – is the only way for me to ever truly heal and I trust their words. Yes Frex, trust. I, Miss Thropp Third Descending, has learnt to trust, though just barely, another human being. Surprised, aren't you? Your hold on me is finally fading father… I want you to know that. Maybe now I will be able to sleep through the night in true rest – not a half-sleep in fear of you being upon me in a moment. Maybe now I will no longer take a knife to my own skin to still my emotional torment. Did you know that father? Did you know that I've hurt myself many times over just to try and find a release for the torment raging in my soul and mind? I can't remember a time when I didn't do such a thing. Luckily my green skin has always hidden the scars better than the pale skin found on most. Not that it ever really mattered – you scarred my skin so brutally that I hardly doubt you would have ever noticed a few extra ones here and there if you had cared to look._

_How does it feel to know you drove your own daughter, your firstborn, to such emotional torment and mental anguish that she took to hurting herself?_

Glinda had retreated to her spot on her pink bed, a book opened on her lap, when Elphaba once again was rendered unable to write. Glinda looked up at the sudden pause in the sound of pen scrapping against parchment and cocked her head slightly. Elphaba was just staring at the paper as if she could not decided what next to write.

"Elphie?" Glinda asked but again her question was left unanswered as the pen returned to motion.

_I could continue on for much longer but I fear my letter is becoming as redundant and unbearably boring as I often become in my own speeches. I never did learn when to stop talking, did I Frex? I guess it is some sort of self-defense mechanism. If I can continuously talk then no one else can cut in with a curt remark or outright defile of my person. I live in fear of rejection every day of my life and it is that fear that drove me to such a level of isolation and despair. I tried to take my own life not more than a few weeks ago but thankfully – well, not for you – I was unsuccessful in my endeavor. I cannot say why I did what I did or if I even truly wanted to die but it was attempted and that, in and of itself, was a scare big enough to finally make me realize that I cannot live like this – constantly running from my past and my pain – anymore._

_I cannot say for certain if this letter will even find you. If you are reading this then that means I must have mailed it when I was feeling particularly brave. Otherwise this letter will probably find itself within the grasp of a fiery flame (if I am feeling unnaturally poetic) or the most likely place of the bottom of a wastebasket. Either way it doesn't matter much. Whether you read this letter or not is unimportant. The fact that I could find the strength within myself to write it at all is all I need right now. I no longer crave for your approval father because I am finally learning to love myself instead. I will find my happiness – and that's all I want._

_Love for all and forever,_

_Elphaba 'Fabala' Thropp, The Third Descending_

The pen was thrown against the desk. It hit the hard wood and then bounced, quite far away, from where Elphaba currently sat – at Glinda's vanity. The blonde looked up from her book, again, and frowned. "Elphie?" she asked, not expecting to get any response.

The green girl rubbed her temples in frustration before slamming both of her hands on Glinda's vanity. She stood up, grabbing the letter she had so frantically wrote, and crumpled it up in her hand. It was stained with her own tears, a fact that disgusted her, and all she wanted to do was get rid of it.

Glinda was at her side in a moment. Her pale hand gently pried open Elphaba's fist and extracted the letter from it. "What did you write?" the blonde asked.

"A letter," Elphaba hissed, keeping her eyes looking anywhere but at Glinda.

"To whom?"

"My _father_." She spat out his title as if it was dirt on her tongue. "That man I hate and love at the same time."

Glinda nodded as she placed the crumpled piece of paper, the letter, on her vanity. "What did you write about?"

"It was Fiyero's idea," Elphaba said, her voice falling to a whisper as she ignored the blonde's question. "It was a stupid idea."

"Was it?"

"Read it!" Elphaba burst out, her voice harsh and choked. "Tell me if it helped at all!"

Elphaba turned to flee, to leave the room and the stifling atmosphere she had created with her emotions, but Glinda grabbed her by the wrist and stopped her from disappearing in to some absurdly hidden grove of shadows within the school grounds. The green girl froze; letting out a resigned sigh of defeat. "Will you two ever let me be alone again?" she muttered, her voice holding an edge of anger she didn't mean it to.

"Where do you want to go Elphie?" Glinda asked. "I'll go with you."

"I want to go alone," Elphaba said, cursing herself for the whining tone that had entered her voice.

"You know you're not going to be able to."

"I'm not a child!"

"I know that… we both know that… but you know that that's not why we're keeping an eye on you."

"I won't hurt myself."

"You can't say that for sure." Glinda let her hand slide from Elphaba's wrist and wrap around the green hand below. She squeezed it gently. "Where do you want to go?"

"Outside."

Glinda quickly glanced towards the window to find that the weather outside, though not sunny, was not threatening any rain. She nodded. "Well then, outside we shall go!" she exclaimed, her voice full of false cheer. She led Elphaba by the hand as they left the dorm room and made their way to fresh air.

They walked in silence – not following any of the multiple brick paths – for an hour, maybe even two, before Elphaba simply stopped moving and plopped herself down on the grass. She crossed her legs and looked everywhere but at Glinda. The blonde, though thoroughly confused, spoke no words as she sat down beside her friend.

Elphaba slowly pulled at the grass around her. "My father raped me."


	50. Of The Past

_**Author's Warning: **This chapter has a lot of talk of Elphaba's past (the rapes), some severe mental anguish, and self-harm. Proceed with caution._

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_Elphaba slowly pulled at the grass around her. "My father raped me."_

--

**Chapter Fifty: Of The Past **

Glinda placed a hand on the green girl's knee in comfort. She already knew, Fiyero had told her before, but she didn't say that in fear that Elphaba would stop talking.

"I tried to… convince myself it was… well… normal. I knew it wasn't but still… I tried."

The blonde nodded, knowing that Elphaba didn't see the action because the green girl wasn't even looking at her. She knew she couldn't talk. If she said one wrong word, or spoke in a tone that Elphaba found accusing, then she feared that the green girl would fall silent.

"He was always drunk." Elphaba's voice was so quiet that Glinda had to lean forward to catch the words that the green girl spoke. "He thought… he thought I was mother. He missed her terribly. And he… he filled that ache within him with… with me."

"Elphie…" Glinda's voice was soothing and soft. "What he did was–"

"Wasn't my fault," Elphaba interrupted. "I know Glinda but that… it doesn't… the pain is still there."

Glinda didn't know what to say. She was glad that Elphaba was talking of her past but this particular part of it she had hoped she would speak to Fiyero of. He was better at finding the right words to comfort Elphaba when she was distraught. Glinda just felt lost and useless.

"I… no one ever… knew. I ne… never even told… Nanny."

"Elphie… I… I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything." Elphaba looked up to make eye contact with the blonde. She smiled; a sad, desperate smile. "Just… just don't leave me."

Glinda nodded, taking Elphaba's hand in her own. "I won't," she said. "Trust me."

"It's hard for me… to do that." Elphaba looked away again, playing with the grass with her free hand. "I… well… I'm afraid of getting close with someone. I'm afraid they'll… they'll leave when they see who I… well… _what_ I really am."

"Oh, Elphie!" Glinda was speechless, shocked. "What do you mean, 'what you really are'?"

Elphaba smiled again, the same sad smile she always held now. Tears pooled in her eyes but she quickly blinked them away as best as she could. She continued to look only at the grass. "Well… just look at me."

"I am," Glinda said, squeezing Elphaba's hand. "And I see a beautiful human being. A wonderful friend who cares for others more than she cares for herself. Someone who would give up their life in a moments notice for a friend but wouldn't give her own life a second glance."

"Glinda…"

"I see someone who knows she cannot fix everyone or everything in this world but is going to try anyways. I see someone who will always consider other people worth more than herself."

"Please…"

"I see a beautiful person and a beautiful soul."

Elphaba's shoulders began to shake with barely suppressed sobs and Glinda held her hand tighter. The green girl couldn't look at her blonde roommate, her blonde friend, she couldn't even bear to look at the grass anymore. Its green colour only reminded her of the sinfulness of her own skin.

"Glinda…" Elphaba meant to say more. She had words spinning in her head, desperate to be voiced, but she couldn't find the strength to speak. Her composure faltered and she broke down, crumpling over herself as sobs choked her throat and tears forced their way out from underneath her tightly closed eyelids.

The blonde let go of Elphaba's hand and shifted to her knees; embracing her distraught friend and pulling the green girl close to her own body. Elphaba clutched on to the thin fabric of Glinda's dress in a desperate attempt to get some sort of control over her emotions. She buried her face in the fabric, trying to keep the tears from burning her skin, and barely registered the fact that this was Glinda she was crying to.

Glinda held the shaking, sobbing form of Elphaba as best as she could. Thankfully the spot that Elphaba had sat down at was somewhat removed from any of the brick paths and hidden by a row of small bushes from the nearby clearing that students often were found at. As a result the distraught Elphaba was sufficiently hidden from any prying eyes which meant that Glinda did not have to worry about any more suffering towards the green girl's already lacking reputation among the students.

Elphaba, however, did not care at all about the place she had sat down at. She was just disgusted at herself. Disgusted that she was not only crying but crying in _public_.

Then suddenly she could taste the bile in the back of her throat. She pulled away from Glinda and twisted her body around. Now on her hands and knees she vomited, expelling her stomach of the meager breakfast she had eaten that morning.

She was lost. Lost in her pain and her memories. She remembered every detail of her parent's room. The faded carpet. The old, rickety bed. The lone window. The dresser she used to stare at as her father would use her for his own sick, twisted pleasure. The green bottle that sat on that dresser's smooth, wooden finish – gleaming in her memory – and the smell of the whiskey. It always smelled like whiskey.

His touch. His rough hands across her body. The way he used to kiss her scars – mock them. The first time. The pain. Her voice when she had screamed. It had echoed in the room. It had almost made him stop. Almost.

The blood. He had left her on the bed with the blood. It had poured from her. He had torn her apart. He had been too big for her child body but he had still forced it. For a long time she had bled. Every time, without fail, the blood would come. The pain. The screams. She fought him but he always won.

It was always at night, never during the day. The darkness hid her skin – made it easier for him to see her as Melena. When he was done he would leave her alone. She laid there in silence; feeling the blood and his own warm, stinking fluid flowing from her. She would hurt… hurt for days. Nothing could still the pain.

And now the memories brought back the same pain. Elphaba shuddered, clumping the grass beneath her hands. She vaguely sensed Glinda beside her and though she heard the blonde's voice she couldn't comprehend the words. Her groin ached as if her past had just occurred again. The memories were vivid and real… and with a startling revelation she realized that she was reliving her past. It was as if she was there again, at the tender age of nine, upon the rickety old bed with him. As he forced his too large member in to a far too small body.

She wanted to scream but she had no voice. All she could do was cry, choking sobs that stole her breath. Her body shook violently. Glinda was worried, terrified. The blonde's words could not calm the distraught and confused Elphaba who was trapped far too deep in to her memories to be saved by Glinda alone.

The blonde stood up, sweeping the far too thin frame of Elphaba in her arms. Night had fallen by now and Glinda was grateful for the secrecy that the darkness held for them. Elphaba hardly noticed that she had been picked up. She tensed under Glinda's touch but she was too far gone to register the outside world anymore.

Glinda ran.

The blonde headed not in the direction of the girl's dorm but rather towards the boy's dorm. She ignored the looks she got from the few students still roaming around outside. Her heels began to slow her down – one broke – so she cast them aside. Leaving them on the grass as she took the most direct route, ignoring the brick paths, to her destination. She burst through the main doors of the boy's dormitory and took the steps two at a time. She didn't bother to knock and instead just burst through the door.

Fiyero whirled around at the sound of his door being so forcefully opened and stood, frozen in shock, at the sight of Glinda carrying the seemingly unconscious Elphaba in her arms. "What… what happened?" he asked as he took the green girl from Glinda and laid her on his bed.

"I… I don't know!" Glinda was hysterical now. "She was talking about… about her father and then she just went all… all strange!"

"Elphaba?" Fiyero whispered, laying a hand on a green shoulder.

Elphaba jerked away. "Don't touch me!" she hissed. In her mind she didn't register Fiyero as Fiyero. She saw the Vinkus prince has her father. The bed she laid on wasn't Fiyero's bed – it was the rickety bed of her childhood torment.

Fiyero removed his arm from the green shoulder. "Elphaba?" he whispered again.

"Get away!" Elphaba screamed. She closed her legs, bringing them up and hugging them to her chest. "Stop it! Stop it! Please…" Her voice fell to a feeble whisper. "It hurts. Father… please… it hurts… stop… this is… wrong. I'm not mother… please… please… I'll do anything just… stop it…"

Glinda let out a gasp – shocked at what she realized Elphaba was reliving. "I… I can't watch this," she mumbled out in a breathless whisper but she didn't move. She didn't try to leave.

Fiyero grabbed Elphaba's shoulders, shaking her. "Elphaba!" he screamed, trying to wake the green girl from her terror. "Elphaba!"

It was useless, and Fiyero knew that, but the Vinkus prince still attempted to break through to the green girl. She was too far gone in her memories though, too far swallowed by her terror and pain, to be brought back to the present. There was nothing that could be done but wait it out.

Fiyero stopped his attempts to bring Elphaba back from her past and instead slipped his hand in to hers. She grasped it tightly, painfully. Fiyero couldn't be certain if she actually realized that she was holding on to his hand or if the action had somehow manifested itself in to something tangible in the memory she was consumed by.

Elphaba continued to mumble words that only made true sense if the two other occupants in the room thought of the context they were meant in. She begged, pleaded, and cried for her father to stop. Screaming of the pain and the blood and how much it _hurt_. It lasted for just over fourteen minutes.

Fourteen minutes of unbearable torment for not just Elphaba but the two friends who were forced to listen and watch.

And then as suddenly as it had began it stopped. Elphaba ripped her hand away from Fiyero and sat up in a jerky, stiff movement. Her breathing was rapid, shallow, and very near to hyperventilating status. She blinked continuously, furiously, as tears streaked down her face leaving red welts in their path. Fiyero tried to wipe away the burning liquid with his thumbs but Elphaba pulled back from his touch; swatting his hands away.

"Elphie?" Glinda whispered.

Elphaba turned to face the blonde, letting her gaze settle on Glinda.

Her eyes were wide with fear. She was confused, delirious. She was unsure of who the two people standing before her were. All she could remember was the terror, the pain, and her father. It was as if the memory of her past had just occurred. She hurt, in both mind and body. The physical pain was just as real to her as the emotional torment she had relived. She wrapped her arms around herself, in some sort of pitiful attempt at protection, as her eyes darted back and forth between Glinda and Fiyero.

Realization began to sink in and slowly she began to remember who the two people in front of her were. She dropped her gaze to the floor just beyond Glinda's feet. "I am used," she whispered, her voice loud in the silence of the room. "Dirty and used. Tossed out like human garbage. Dirt. Nothing but an object for man's pleasure. I'm a whore meant–"

"Stop." Fiyero's voice was quiet but demanding – full of grief and pity. He sat down on the edge of the bed. Elphaba curled her legs away from him. "Don't say such words about yourself," he continued. "They're not true and–"

"Let me speak!" Elphaba growled out as she shrunk away from Fiyero's suffocatingly close proximity to her.

Fiyero bit his lip to stop the words he dearly wanted to say and nodded for Elphaba to continue. "Very well."

She shivered. "I'm a whore." Her voice was harsh, cold. "A whore. A slut. Given life for the sole purpose to provide pleasure for men."

"Elph–"

"I bled for my father first!" Her eyes snapped up to stare at both Fiyero and Glinda. Her gaze seemed to bore holes right through them as shame coloured her face a deep shade of green. "I am trash! Garbage! A whore! And a… a…" Her voice fell to a whisper as tears nearly choked her words from her. "A failure."

She fell silent but continued to stare at the two friends before her – daring them to contradict her words. Fiyero looked disturbed, his eyes full of pity, while Glinda looked terrified, out of her element. One corner of Elphaba's lipped curled up in to a smirk and she let out a small chuckle. "Can you not speak?" Her voice was harsh as it forced its way around the lump in her throat. "Have you finally seen the truth? Now you know what kind of disgusting freak I am! I don't blame you if you two want to leave. Who would want to be friends with a whore? With a cheap bed-bunny!"

Glinda's mouth opened in shock. "You're not a whore," she whispered. "You're father was wrong in what he did."

"And Avaric?" Elphaba was screaming now. "What of him! He and his friends used me just the same! It's all I'm good for!"

The three friends fell silent. Fiyero and Glinda spoke no words, knowing that whatever they could say would be small and trite against the pain Elphaba was suffering. The green girl dropped her gaze to the floor again and struggled to control the tears pouring from her eyes. "Whore," she muttered. Her voice had lost its anger and determination. It was if she had given up on herself, given up on trying to label what she was.

"You've said your piece now," Fiyero finally whispered. "Perhaps now you can learn to let it go."

Elphaba was on her feet and in a mere moment she had fled Fiyero's room. Glinda and Fiyero were frozen in shock for what seemed like an eternity before the Vinkus prince sprung in to action. He leapt from his seat on the bed and disappeared from the room, Glinda on his heels, as he tried to follow the escaped green girl. By the time he got outside of the boy's dormitory he could just barely see the fleeting form of Elphaba as she headed towards the girl's dorm. He followed as best as he could but she had had too much of a head start and he couldn't catch up with her.

He reached the door to Glinda and Elphaba's shared room a minute, perhaps two, after Elphaba had arrived. The door was locked and when Fiyero tried to break it down he could not. It pulled at its hinges and the old wood cracked and split but the door did not open. Something was blocking it from within the room, something that Elphaba had placed there on purpose. Fiyero cursed the Unnamed God as Glinda finally caught up with him.

"She's blocked the door," he muttered. "We can't get in."

"The window?"

Fiyero nodded. "Are you friends with anyone who has their room nearby? It would be faster then going outside and scaling the whole building."

Glinda knocked on the door to the private suite beside her shared room. She didn't know the person who resided there personally but she was confident that whoever slept there at night would know her name. The girl who opened the door was a third-year student who looked incredibly angry at being interrupted. "What?" she snapped out.

"We need to borrow your window," Glinda explained. "It's an emergency."

The blonde walked right past the angry girl and Fiyero followed behind with a nod and a small smile. Whatever anger the girl held was lost at the sight of the Vinkus prince in _her_ dorm room. But her joy was short-lived as Fiyero quickly opened the window and swung himself out. Glinda followed behind. In seconds they had maneuvered themselves around, using the sills and the roof from the second story porch below them for help, and managed to get in to the room that Elphaba had locked herself in.

The green girl wasn't there. However, the floorboard that covered her hidden storage hole in the floor was thrown carelessly to the side. Elphaba had been here. Fiyero's eyes roamed the room. He saw the dresser that Elphaba had pushed against the door to prevent anyone from entering. He also saw the light on in the bathroom and the fact that that door was not closed.

He could hear Elphaba sobbing.

He ran the few feet to the bathroom and froze in shock and horror in the doorway at what he saw. Elphaba had trashed the bathroom, throwing around whatever was not in a fixed position. Blood covered the tiled floors. Elphaba sat on the commode, a knife clenched tightly in her grasp – digging the sharp metal edge in to the soft flesh of her wrist. She had torn her dress off, leaving her only in her undergarments, and gashes – deep and long – marred her stomach. Blood poured freely from them. A half-drank bottle of whiskey sat on the bathroom vanity, some of it had spilt on to the floor. Fiyero could not be certain if Elphaba had already drank half of the whiskey in the bottle or if the bottle had not been full to begin with. It didn't matter though; the whiskey wasn't his main concern at the moment.

"Elphie?" Glinda's voice was small and quiet as she stood beside Fiyero. She broke through Fiyero's shocked stupor and alerted Elphaba to their presence.

The green girl shot up in to a standing position, the knife falling from her hand and landing, with a loud thud, on the tiled floor. She grabbed the half-empty bottle of whiskey and threw it in the general direction of Fiyero. The Vinkus prince ducked, pulling Glinda to the floor with him, and he heard the bottle shatter behind them.

"Get out!" she screamed. She looked like an deranged animal. Her hair had escaped from the confines of her braid and now hung limply around her face. Blood stained her stomach and dripped from her arm. Her eyes were wide, her breathing rapid, and utter terror seemed to ooze from her very being. She kneeled down, keeping her eyes locked on Fiyero, and grabbed the knife that she had dropped.

She placed it at the base of her neck.

Glinda gasped, tears beginning to course down her face. The blonde closed her eyes and looked away. She couldn't bear to watch.

Fiyero slowly stood up; holding his hands up, palms facing Elphaba, to try and show her that he meant no harm. "You said you were past killing yourself," Fiyero said. His voice was monotone now as he tried to keep any sense of feeling from its tone in case Elphaba took its meaning in the wrong light. "Did you lie then? Or are you doing this not because you want to die but because you fear facing yourself?"

"Shut-up!" The knife was pressed harder against her neck. A red line of blood bubbled from above its gleaming surface as the pressure cut the green skin. "Leave me alone!"

"Elphaba please… listen to me. What you think just happened to you actually occurred years ago. This pain your feeling is from a memory, a night-terror really. It's true pain, I know that, but it didn't happen today. You're father _didn't_ rape you today. It was years ago, in your childhood." As he spoke Fiyero had inched closer and closer to Elphaba. He was nearly within reach of her now. "You're having a mental breakdown. Please… let us help you."

In one quick movement Elphaba removed the knife from her neck and placed the point of it underneath Fiyero's chin. "One step closer and I'll cut off your head!" she snapped out. "I'm not letting you rape me! I don't want to be a whore anymore!"

Fiyero could feel the knife shaking under his chin. "I'm not going to rape you," he said. "And you are _not_ a whore. You gave yourself that title and you can just as easily toss the word away. No one else thinks of you as that. You didn't ask for what your father did to you. He forced it upon you. It was not your fault. You're not a whore because of it."

The knife wavered slightly, losing its connection with Fiyero's skin. The Vinkus prince took advantage of the small chance and grabbed Elphaba's arm. He pulled her towards him, twisting her arm behind her back and wrapping his other arm around her chest to try and keep her still. She screamed and tried to fight back but she didn't have the strength. He pried the knife from her hand that he had pinned against her back and it fell to the floor. He let that hand go and wrapped his now free arm around Elphaba's waist. He dragged the struggle green girl towards the mirror and maneuvered her so that she could see her reflection. Her hands were desperately clawing at the arm around her chest but she couldn't free herself.

"Look at yourself!" Fiyero screamed, trying to get through the hazy fog of pain and terror that was surrounding Elphaba. He had to use all of his strength to keep the green girl in control. "Look in the mirror!"

Elphaba refused to look but Fiyero would not let her go. He kept her there even as she struggled to move away from the reflection she did not dare to look at. But eventually she caught a glimpse of herself and the sight made her freeze. She was shocked as she saw the blood that covered her and the way she was thrashing about to try and free herself. She had regressed in to nothing more than a frightened animal.

The thought terrified her.

She collapsed in to a heap on the floor, Fiyero behind her, and sobbed. She clutched his shirt, burying her head in to his chest, and just cried. Mumbled apologies could be heard through her choking sobs as Fiyero gently rubbed comforting circles across Elphaba's bare back. He could feel the scars. Most of them were long and thin – scars from the uncountable lashes Elphaba had endured throughout her life – while others were strangely shaped and it was impossible to place their origins.

"This is your fault!" Elphaba spat out, her words muffled by her tears and Fiyero's chest. "You're fucking letter idea caused this!"

"You've never done this before, have you?" Fiyero asked softly.

Elphaba pulled away from Fiyero. The two of them just looked at each other as they kneeled on the blood-stained floor. "What? This?" She thrust out her bleeding arm. "I think I've done _this_ before!"

"That's not what I'm talking about." Fiyero grabbed Elphaba's outstretch wrist and gently pushed the green arm down. "I mean facing your memories."

Elphaba dropped her gaze to the floor. "Not… not like this." She wrapped her arms around her stomach, suddenly self-conscious of what she had done to herself. "I just… labeled the act and pushed it to the depths of my mind."

"How does it feel?"

"Like shit." Elphaba's voice was impossibly quiet now. "I feel pathetic… disgusting!"

"Did it help to harm yourself?"

Elphaba slowly shook her head. "Not… not this time."

Fiyero laid a hand on Elphaba's shoulder, tried to pull her in to a hug, but she jerked away. She scrambled backwards until she hit the bathroom vanity. "Don't touch me!" Her body shook and she felt as if her shame was clear to all who looked at her. "I'm… dirty…"

Glinda, finally shaking herself from her shock, slowly walked over to the vanity and crouched down. Elphaba watched her carefully, shrinking away from the blonde, as Glinda opened the bottom drawer and pulled out a few bottles of the green girl's cleaning oils and a cloth.

"Don't!" Elphaba hissed. "How can you two even stand to look at me? I'm disgusting! My body's disgusting! I'm just… trash!"

Glinda ignored the green girl and kneeled down beside her. She gently took a hold of Elphaba's wrist and lifted the green arm towards her. She poured some of the oils on it and using the cloth she gently, methodically, cleaned the blood away. "You're not disgusting," Glinda whispered, keeping her eyes locked on Elphaba's so that her friend would know she was speaking the truth. "And your body's not disgusting. You're beautiful. You're more than trash… far, far more than trash."

Elphaba's was shaking and her eyes were wide with both terror and confusion. She couldn't comprehend how someone, anyone, could look at her as anymore then a used object that had expired long ago. She turned her head, breaking her eye contact with Glinda. "I'm a whore…" Her voice trailed off.

"Elphie… you're not–"

"It doesn't sound the same," Elphaba interrupted the blonde. "It sounds worse in my head."

"What does?" Fiyero asked, keeping a safe distant away from Elphaba to keep her from feeling uncomfortable.

"_Whore_," Elphaba whispered. "The word, the title. It always sounded worse in my head. When… when I say it… out loud it… it doesn't have the same sting to it… the same meaning."

"That's a good thing," Fiyero said.

Elphaba stiffened as Glinda moved down to her stomach to clean the blood from there. She didn't pull away from the blonde's touch but she didn't relax either. "If I'm not a whore than what am I?"

"A person."

Elphaba's head snapped up at Fiyero's words and she looked at the Vinkus prince. "A… a person?" she questioned. She was shocked. A person implied a soul, emotions, purpose, worth. She hadn't thought of herself as a person in years. In fact, she couldn't _ever_ remember having thought of herself as a person. She'd had always been a servant, a caretaker, a freak, a whore. She'd thought of herself as many things before but never a… a _person_.

"A person," Elphaba repeated in a disbelieving whisper as a small smile, a genuine smile, appeared on her face and tears traced a path down from her eyes. "Maybe… maybe I could… be… be that."

--

**_Author's Note: _**_First of all, for anyone wondering I am feeling much better and thanks to everyone who sent me well wishes to get better. Now, to get on to the main reason of this author's note. I wrote this chapter before I ever read TheWitch'sCat story "Black & White" but when I read that story (which, by the way, if you like this story go and read hers_… _trust me, you'll love it) I noticed that this chapter tends to have the same sort of theme in it as hers does (in regards to how both of our Elphaba's think of herself and such). I did not intend for my story to reflect hers like that, it just so happened to end up doing such a thing. As I said earlier, I had already written this chapter when I read her story. So I apologize to TheWitch'sCat for having the same sort of ideas in my story. It was not my intention to take from her story it just so seems to be that we think alike when it comes to how we perceive our Elphaba's to be. And now, with that out of the way, I must shamelessly plug TheWitch'sCat story because it is incredible. Go read it, now. Trust me, you will not be disappointed. It carries the same sort of angst and drama that my story does only in a different time in Elphaba's life and with far better writing abilities. So_…_ go read it!  
_


	51. The Story

"_A person," Elphaba repeated in a disbelieving whisper as a small smile, a genuine smile, appeared on her face and tears traced a path down from her eyes. "Maybe… maybe I could__…__ be__… be__ that."_

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**Chapter Fifty-One: The Story**

Elphaba couldn't sleep. She hadn't been able to for days. It was driving her to the brink of insanity. Every time she tried to sleep, to get the blissful rest she so desperately needed, her past would haunt her. Memories of her father and her terrible torment lurked in the back of her mind, just beyond her reach until she fell asleep. She could no longer bury the pain away. She could no longer lock the memories behind the ten-inch steal door in her mind. It had been dragged from the depths and shadows of her brain and there was no longer any way for her to ignore it.

The pain was choking, suffocating. She sat on her bed, curled up in the corner where the two walls met, clutching her legs to her chest. She hadn't gone to class for weeks now and she vaguely wondered how far behind she really was. For some reason the fact that she could fail did not bother her. She had begun to realize that there were things in life that were far more important than her schoolwork. If someone had said that to her at the beginning of her days at Shiz she would have scoffed at them.

Not anymore.

She talked. Fiyero and Glinda would sit, cross-legged, on her bed. Sometimes they would hold her hands. Sometimes they would hug her. And other times they would just give her space if they sensed that she needed it. Her words would tumble out of her throat in rushed, jumbled messes. Often times they made no real coherent sense while other times they were so clear and full of pain that she wouldn't be able to speak for hours afterwards.

She often scratched and clawed at the scabs of the healing wounds she had afflicted on herself. Many of them were deep, deep enough to scar. She had refused to go to the infirmity, refused to get stitches, and Fiyero knew why; she wanted the scabs to pick at. They would stop her though. Whenever they caught her in the act they would stop her. Slowly, gradually, she stopped altogether. It didn't bring her relief anymore. It didn't help her to release the torment inside. Her pain was now too great to discard through her own blood.

It took seven days, exactly a week, for her to spill her story. She found herself repeating words, memories, over and over again as the pain refused to dull with just one telling. Fiyero and Glinda spoke very little. And if they did it was to ask her if she was hungry or thirsty. She drank only warm milk and ate nothing. Her body shivered with cold from the lack of food she had inside of her to keep her body functioning properly.

Finally, on the seventh day, when she had spoken the last of her story she raised her gaze from the bed. She looked at Fiyero and Glinda for the first time since she had begun her telling a week ago.

She smiled. The first smile in a long time, maybe even ever, that truly reached all the way to her eyes.


	52. Regression

**_Author's Warning: _**_Just when you thought it was looking up for Elphaba Avaric has to force his way back in to her life (I promise that one day the bastard will get what he deserves but for now he has to stay intact for the story). There is no actually "rape" in this chapter in the literal sense but it is the most graphic I've gotten with any of the sexual torment Elphaba's been through (the reason behind that being that Elphaba is learning to face her pain now and she has lost the ability to simply block things out and pretend they're not happing. I'm afraid that that's the price of trying to heal _– _you can no longer ignore what happens to you). So if you have a mild stomach you might want to just skip a couple of the paragraphs near the end or perhaps just skip this whole chapter altogether.  
_

--

_She smiled. The first smile in a long time that truly reached all the way to her eyes. _

--

**Chapter Fifty-Two: Regression**

Elphaba Thropp had returned to class a week or so earlier. She was still scarred, still terrified, but she was accepting. Accepting her pain, accepting her past. She flinched whenever someone touched her and she sat only with Glinda or Fiyero – depending on what class she was in. But at least she was trying to _live_ again.

Madame Morrible had inquired over Elphaba's flu, clearly knowing that what she had been told was a lie, and Elphaba had politely responding with another lie about how she was feeling much better. Her sorcery was weaker than what it had been before and Morrible made sure that Elphaba knew that. By the time she had left her first sorcery class in over a month she was furious and thoroughly disgusted at herself.

Presently Elphaba sat in Life Sciences with Fiyero beside her. The professor droned on but Elphaba no longer had the attention for school that she once held. He was talking about some sort of project they had to do together. They were paired off according to current marks; the better students with the worse students in an attempt to even out the grades. Fiyero was paired off with some giddy girl who was far too excited to get a chance to be with the Vinkus prince. Elphaba felt slightly angry – she had hoped that she would be paired with Fiyero. She didn't know how she would handle working with someone else in her present condition.

"Miss Elphaba Thropp… are you even here today?" The professor asked as he looked up from the list of students in his hand.

"Here," Elphaba muttered as she sat at her desk, reading a book and not paying much attention to the classroom.

The professor frowned as he readjusted his glasses lower and peered over the rims to lay eyes on the green girl. "I don't know how you've managed Miss Thropp, but you still have the highest mark in this class. This project is meant for the higher graded student to inspire the slacker but I highly doubt your ability to inspire another when you rarely show up to class yourself."

Elphaba shrugged, making a mental note of the page number, and looked up to make eye contact with the professor. "If this class was of higher quality perhaps I would find the need to come more often."

The classroom fell silent. Despite all of what Elphaba had gone through in recent times she had not lost her bitter tongue or iron wit. It was, after all, one of the few means she had of protecting herself.

"You're partnered with Avaric."

Elphaba's mouth dropped open in shock and horror. A shiver ran up her spine and Fiyero grabbed her hand instantly for support. "Sir… please…" she said, desperately trying to keep her voice was shaking. "I cannot work with… with Avaric."

The professor shrugged nonchalantly. "What of you Avaric? Do you have any qualms about working with Miss Thropp here?"

"Not at all."

Elphaba swore she could hear the lust in Avaric's voice that so terrified her. She was beginning to shake slightly at the prospect of having to be with Avaric… alone. She suddenly stood up. "Professor!" She was very nearly screaming now. "I beg of you, please! I cannot work with Avaric!"

"They've been intimate before," a student, one Elphaba could not place, spoke up. "Ignore Miss Elphaba professor… she just doesn't want to deal with that."

Elphaba whirled around to face the student who had spoken up. Her eyes flashed with anger as she saw the smirk that the student held on her face. She had known of what Avaric had done – of how he had _raped_ her – and she wanted to see Elphaba squirm. The whole school did.

"A lover's quarrel?" The professor sounded amused. "I'm sorry Miss Thropp but that is no means for a change in partners."

"I don't think you understand sir." Fiyero was standing now. "It is not how the students are saying. I strongly suggest you change Elphaba's partner."

"This is none of your business." The professor was getting frustrated now, angry. "Miss Thropp, either do the project with Avaric or accept a zero. However, if you accept a zero then Avaric automatically does as well. And _you_ are able to afford a zero but Avaric is not."

Elphaba was shaking with anger now. "What do you have against me?" she hissed out.

"I have nothing against you. This is simply how the partnering worked out and had you come to class more often, and shown me more respect, than perhaps I might have considered changing your partner. However, that is not the case and so you must learn to work with Avaric or both of you will be receiving a zero."

Elphaba had words she dearly wanted to say but she bit her tongue to try and keep some sort of semblance of control over her emotions. She grabbed her schoolbooks, hugging them to her chest, and stormed out of the classroom. Fiyero followed quickly behind her. Once outside of the room the Vinkus prince grabbed a hold of Elphaba's wrist and stopped her fleeing movements. "Elphaba?" he asked quietly.

The green girl turned on her heel to face Fiyero. Her eyes were wet with unshed tears and her anger had disappeared – replaced with terror. "I… I cannot do this," she muttered. "Not… not right… now. I… cannot face him. I'm not ready!"

"Then don't," Fiyero said. "Take the zero instead."

"If… if I did that Avaric would just… he'd be worse! _It_ would be worse!"

"Nothing's going to be worse because nothing's going to happen to begin with."

"I have to work with him! Alone! Of course something's going to… to happen! He's going to... try something! It's Avaric for Oz's sake!"

"The guy's insane." Fiyero started to walk down the school halls, leading the stunned Elphaba along. "I'm not leaving you alone with him, no matter what."

"How are… how would you be able to do that?"

"Do all your research in the library," Fiyero explained. "I'll be in there at the same time, a few tables over. I'll keep an eye on him. If he tries anything I'll be there in a blink of an eye."

Elphaba froze. Fiyero stopped walking and turned around to face the green girl. "What?" he asked quietly.

"You would do that… for me?"

Fiyero smiled. "Of course. Why wouldn't I?"

"Because… because I'm _me_!" She was getting hysterical now. "Because I'm a whor–"

"A person," Fiyero interrupted. "You're a person who needs help. And I'm going to be right here to help you."

Elphaba dropped her gaze. The pattern on the tiled floors suddenly became very interesting to her. "I'm not a person," she muttered.

"Why is it so hard for you to think of yourself as a human being?"

"When… when you've lived as nothing more than trash it's hard to… think of yourself as… _worth_ something."

Fiyero nodded, taking the green girl in a tight embrace. He could feeling her shoulders shaking as she desperately tried to keep herself from crying. He wanted to tell her it was okay to cry but she knew she never would. Not in public. She always made a point to never cry in public if she could help it.

The sounds of doors banging open and hundreds of feet echoing against the stone floors signaled the end of the class period. Elphaba pulled herself out of Fiyero's embrace and brushed at her eyes with her sleeve. She took deep breaths to try and calm herself down but it wasn't working too well. Suddenly the crowd of students was upon them. They ignored Elphaba and Fiyero as they tried to make it to their next class on time. Elphaba's faced paled dangerously as she started to panic. The large crowd was suffocating and far too close to her for her liking. She closed her eyes as she tried to ignore every person who bumped in to her but she couldn't. Each touch, each human contact, made her flinch.

A hand grabbed her arm, just below her elbow. She didn't open her eyes to see who it was – she knew it was Fiyero. She let him lead her away from the crowded hallway as she kept her eyes closed and hugged her schoolbooks to her chest.

She thought she heard someone calling her name but it was a faint sound that she choose to ignore; figuring it was her overactive, stressed mind playing tricks on her.

Panic shot through her body, overwhelming her, as she was suddenly thrown to the ground and she heard the slamming of a door. Her eyes flew open to be met with total darkness. She willed her eyes to adjust to the dim light – cast by the sun that shone through a small crack in the blinds – but they didn't adjust fast enough. Someone, the one who had led her here, grabbed her shoulder and forced her to roll over so that she now laid on her back.

"Stop thi–" Her voice faltered as a hand shot up underneath her dress, pulled her undergarments down slightly, and forcefully dug in to the folds of her womanhood. She went completely still.

"Who are you?" she whispered, barely managed to force her voice around the lump in her throat. Her eyes were beginning to adjust to the darkness but just barely. She could see the shape of the man on top of her but she couldn't see his face well enough to place him.

He leaned down so his mouth was right against her ear. "Guess."

Elphaba screamed – recognizing the voice as Avaric's – but he covered her mouth with his hand. Muffling the terrified sound coming from her throat. She jerked her body, trying to writhe away from Avaric but he was – as always – far too strong for her. He pulled his hand free of her private area and threw her dress up, letting it crumple around her neck. He sat on her thighs, keeping her legs still, and once again shoved his hand in to her. He forced it in far, deep. Twisting it around, pinching her insides. She tossed her head around to try and free her mouth so that she could scream for help but it was useless. He just put more pressure on the hand covering her mouth to keep her still and quiet.

He delved deeper in to her then anyone else had ever done. She tried to pull away, to get him out of her, but no matter what she did or how much she struggled he would not stop. He forced her head still by putting even more of his body weight in to the hand over her mouth. He stared in to her eyes. Whenever she tried to let her eye-line fall somewhere else, anywhere else, he would roughly shake her head – forcing her to lock eyes with him again.

He stopped pushing his hand in to her and just let it stay there. He wriggled his fingers, pulling and pinching at her insides. Her eyes widened in terror but the hate that lingered in them was just as strong. Avaric smiled, a sick leer that Elphaba knew the meaning behind all too well.

Slowly he pulled his hand out, his smile growing, and then thrust it back in as fast and as hard as he could. Elphaba gasped underneath the hand on her mouth. The force had taken her breath away but she could only breath through her nose and she felt like she was going to choke to death. He pulled his hand out again, thrust it back in. It started at a slow pace but it soon got faster and faster. The pain became greater with every thrust until Elphaba felt like she was going to pass out.

She stared in to Avaric's eyes. Her stomach twisted in on itself when she saw how much enjoyment he was getting out of this torment. Finally he pulled his hand completely out of her and brought it up near her face. She could see, and smell, the stench of her own blood on him. He brought his hand down to her bare stomach, rubbing it over the scars that were there. Some far fresher than others. He ripped her undergarments completely off, including her bra, tossing the now useless fabric to the side. He played with her body for a long time, still keeping his one hand over her mouth. He never took his eyes off of hers.

"We're going to have fun," he said, his voice quiet and nonchalant. "Think of all the time we're going to have together, alone, while we work on that project. Aren't you excited?"

And then he was gone; the door slamming behind him. Elphaba just laid there taking in shaky, deep breaths. Her dress was still crumpled around her neck but she made no effort to pull it down. She doubted it would make a difference to cover herself now – she was stripped naked again, in far more of a sense then just her clothing.

She rolled over to her side, closing her eyes tightly, and hugged her legs to her chest. Tears welled-up in her eyes and sobs built up in the back of her throat. She desperately wanted to cry, to release some of the terror and pain inside of her, but she couldn't. She wouldn't. She absolutely refused to.

There was no way she was going to let Avaric win.


	53. The Broken Promise

_There was no way she was going to let Avaric win._

--

**Chapter Fifty-Three: The Broken Promise**

Fiyero was cursing himself, the Unnamed God, and any other Higher Being that would listen. He had taken his eyes off of Elphaba for just a moment – just one brief moment – and she had disappeared. It had been an accident, he had been knocked by a student, but that fact didn't help to settle the guilt inside of him.

_We're on school grounds, _he thought to himself, trying to calm his racing heart. _In a school building. What could possibly happen here?_

He knew a lot could happen in a school building. After all, Elphaba's own father had beat her with a belt in an empty classroom. But he choose to ignore that piece of knowledge because remembering that wasn't going to help keep him calm and focused. He had to find Elphaba. He just had too.

If something had happened to her he doubted he would ever be able to forgive himself.

And then he saw someone that made his stomach churn – Avaric. He was walking, nonchalantly, down the same random, back hallway that Fiyero was. The Vinkus prince knew that no one, _no one_, would be walking this hall to get to any class. Fiyero was searching for Elphaba and he had a sinking feeling that Avaric knew exactly where the green girl was.

In a moment he was upon Avaric and had him pinned, by the neck, against the wall. "Where is she?" he hissed out. "And what did you do to her?"

Avaric was startled but his expression soon morphed in to one of amusement. "I have no idea what you talking about," he replied, his voice even and calm.

"Bullshit!" Fiyero's face was turning an odd colour of red in his rage. "Where is Elphaba?"

"Don't worry." Avaric smiled cruelly. "I didn't rape her… not really."

Fiyero's mouth opened in shock for a moment before he quickly regained his anger. "You… you are a piece of work! If I… if we weren't… I could kill you!"

"If you did that then finding the green bean would prove to be a little more difficult, don't you think?"

Fiyero threw Avaric to the floor. "Where is she!" he screamed. Not only was he angry but now he was terrified for what might have happened to Elphaba.

Avaric pointed down the hall. "Third door on the left."

Fiyero raised his eyebrows in skepticism. "Why should I trust you?" he growled out between clenched teeth.

"I'm not lying," Avaric said as he stood up. "But it's your choice to follow my directions or not."

Fiyero had half-a-mind to stay and beat Avaric until the man couldn't stand anymore but he knew he didn't have that kind of time to waste. Not if Elphaba was hurting. So he turned in the direction that Avaric had pointed in and ran. He stopped at the indicated door and took a deep breath to calm himself down. Slowly he turned the knob and opened the door. It squeaked on its hinges and when he entered the room he couldn't see anything – the darkness was suffocating. He flicked on the light and silently cursed every Higher Being in the world as he laid eyes on Elphaba.

The green girl was lying on the floor of the old, empty classroom. Her dress was bunched around her neck and she was hugging her legs to her chest. Her eyes were tightly closed and her shoulders shook with the effort of trying to suppress her sobs.

Tears sprung to Fiyero's eyes but he knew now was not the time for crying. He quietly shut the door behind him and made his way towards the shaking, distraught green form on the floor. She seemed not to notice his arrival as she desperately hugged her legs to her chest to try and protect herself.

Fiyero kneeled down beside Elphaba. He didn't know what to say. Elphaba still hadn't noticed his presence. He opened his mouth to speak but he couldn't find the words he wanted to say… he couldn't even find his voice through the tears threatening to choke him.

Elphaba suddenly felt his presence and her eyes flew open. In a moment of pure panic she screamed.

"Elphaba." Fiyero tried to cut through her panic with his words. "Elphaba… it's me… it's Fiyero." His voice was cracking with the tears he so dearly wanted, needed, to spill.

Elphaba fell silent as she finally recognized the Vinkus prince. She shut her mouth tightly to prevent another instinctive scream. "Fiyero…" she whispered as she closed her eyes again. "I… I'm cold."

"I know." Fiyero gently grabbed a hold of Elphaba's dress and slowly, carefully, pulled it down to cover her. He saw the blood on her body but decided it would be for the best if he didn't mention it. He didn't see any indication that she, or Avaric, had harmed her in any way to cause the blood. Which begged the question where it had come from but he knew that now was not the time to ask.

"I'm… I'm sorry Elphaba," Fiyero whispered instead. "I'm really sorry."

She shook her head ever so slightly. "This… wasn't your fault."

"I… I _promised_ you." Fiyero grabbed a hold of a green hand and squeezed it. "I promised you I'd protect you from him. I failed in that. I'm… I'm so sorry." Tears had now managed to sneak their way free of his control and were tracing thin paths down his face.

"Hold me."

The words were spoken in a breathless whisper that Fiyero barely heard. They shocked him "Pardon?" he asked, not sure he had heard Elphaba correctly. The green girl rarely ever initiated human contact – it was always forced upon her, for good or for bad.

"Hold me," Elphaba repeated, her voice shaking. "Please."

She was craving human contact. The feeling of someone else that was not malice, not hurting. She needed someone to protect her now. She had been coming so close to accepting herself as a _person_, as something more than an object. Now she was watching it all crumble away before her as she felt like a dirty, cheap whore again. She was terrified of regressing back to that. Terrified of feeling disgusting and completely useless again. She needed someone who would touch her in a way of comfort, not torment.

Fiyero nodded, seemingly to understand what Elphaba needed. He laid down beside her and wrapped his arms around her. He pulled her close and she latched on to his shirt in desperation. Fiyero left a hand on the small of Elphaba's back while his other hand came up to tangle itself in the green girl's hair. He buried his head in her thick, black hair and cried. He was silent, just letting the tears flow from his eyes as the guilt bubbled up inside of him. He was careful to make sure his tears never met Elphaba's scalp and were soaked up by her hair instead.

"I'm sorry," Fiyero whispered, finding that no matter how many times he apologized it did nothing to absolve his guilt. This was his fault, his failure to protect Elphaba from Avaric, that had caused this horrible act to occur… yet again. And it was eating him up inside.

She responded by shrinking even further in to Fiyero's warm body. She didn't cry, she couldn't cry, but the force of her suppressed sobs caused her whole body to shake violently.

She was tired of everything. Tired of the pain, the tears, and the unforgivable shame.

--

**_Author's Note: _**_This story is now the most popular story I have on this site (in terms of reviews anyways). So THANK YOU! I feel all warm and fuzzy inside_… _people have actually taking a liking to something that I've written and that I've invested so much of myself and my life in to. And that feels good. So, thanks to everyone who reads (and double thanks to those who review!). Hopefully I'll continue to write up to the standards I've set for myself (and exceed them!) and keep all you readers happy. _


	54. What You See

_She was tired of everything. Tired of the pain, the tears, and the unforgivable shame._

--

**Chapter Fifty-Four: What You See**

Fiyero carried Elphaba to her shared dorm. She was completely awake and conscious but she had, with a large amount of shame, admitted that it hurt too much to walk. She had tried but with every attempt it had caused her more pain and Fiyero grew more and more worried each time her legs buckled and sent her sprawling to the ground. She was embarrassed, ashamed, but she had finally relented to Fiyero's wisdom and let him carry her back to her room.

Fiyero had no key to the shared dorm but thankfully Elphaba did. It was shoved in to one of her schoolbooks that Fiyero was awkwardly holding on to has he carried Elphaba in his arms. He carefully fished for the key, finally finding it, and managed to open the door. The room was empty.

He dropped Elphaba's schoolbooks on the dresser by the door and then made his way over to her bed but the green girl stiffened in his arms. "Elphaba?" he asked softly as he stopped walking.

"The bathroom," she muttered. "I need to… to clean up."

Fiyero nodded, knowing that Elphaba spoke of the blood that stained her skin. He took her in to the bathroom and gently laid her down in the tub. He grabbed Elphaba's oils from their place in the bottom right drawer of the vanity along with a few cloths. He kneeled down beside Elphaba in the tub. "I can't leave you alone," he whispered. "But I'll turn my back to you. I won't look, I promise." He handed her the oils and cloths but she didn't take them.

"I don't want to see." Elphaba turned her head away from Fiyero. Her voice was shaking, quiet. "I don't want to touch my… myself."

"You'd rather I?"

"I know it sounds… weird… strange." Elphaba's voice was on the brink of tears. "And if you don't want to see… to see my… repulsion I… I understand."

"It's not that–"

"I cannot even stand to look at… at _it_... at my… _body_!" Elphaba was barely keeping control of herself now. She desperately needed to cry but wouldn't let herself. Tears would mean that Avaric had won, again. She couldn't let that happen. "I've been used like nothing more than a… a slut! A whore and a prostitute! I'm cheap… not even worth the air I breathe."

"Elphaba… please…" Fiyero grabbed a hold of a green hand and squeezed it. It was the only form of comfort he could give Elphaba without her body tensing up. "Don't talk like this… not again. We came so far. You were starting to believe in yourself again. Don't throw that all away because of this!"

She ripped her hand from Fiyero's grasp and in a fury of uncontrollable rage she buried it in to the wall above the tub. Her punch had sent her fist through the wall and imbedded it there. She had had to twist her upper body, so her back was now facing Fiyero, in order to reach the wall. She was shaking, her breathing coming in slow, deep gasps.

"Elphaba?" Fiyero placed the oils and cloths on the floor and reached over the green girl. He gently grabbed a hold of her wrist and pulled her hand free of the wall. "Elphaba?"

Elphaba leaned back against the tub and closed her eyes, trying to collect herself. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm sorry for… for guilting you in to being my friend. For making you promise to protect me. That was… wrong of me. I'm… I'm sorry."

"You didn't guilt me in to anything." Fiyero held her hand again. "And you certainly didn't make me promise anything. I want to help, I want to protect you. This is my choice to stand here by your side. I promised to protect you and I failed. It is I who should be asking for your forgiveness. I'm sorry Elphaba. I'm so very sorry."

Elphaba nodded, not truly believing that she had not somehow manipulated Fiyero in to this friendship but knowing that the Vinkus prince felt incredibly guilty. "I forgive you," she whispered. "Though you did nothing wrong. It was I who was weak. It was I who let… let Avaric do… do what he… he…" Her words trailed off as she could not voice, could not name, what Avaric had done to her.

Fiyero's guilt was not absolved, not even lessened a tiny bit, by the words that Elphaba had spoken. He realized, with a sad smile, that the both of them would forever blame themselves for what had occurred.

"Do you still want me to… to clean you?"

Elphaba nodded. "Please… be gentle."

"Of course." Fiyero grabbed the oils from the floor, pouring some in to one of the cloths. He grabbed the bottom of Elphaba's dress. "Are you ready?"

Elphaba opened her eyes. "Look at me," she whispered. Fiyero did. "Please…" Her voice was weak and tired. "Don't look… anywhere else."

Fiyero nodded. He slowly pulled the dress up, letting it bunch up just below Elphaba's chest. He couldn't see exactly where the blood was but he did his best to clean her anyways. He kept eye contact with her the whole time. He knew there was blood on her chest and ever-so-carefully he brought the cloth up there; sliding it underneath her dress so he wouldn't have to remove the fabric covering her.

Her body tensed up at the feel of the cloth on her chest and she closed her eyes. "Stop," she muttered. Fiyero did. He was afraid of moving the cloth at all, even to remove it from her, until she said it was okay.

She grabbed his arm and slowly pushed it down, towards her stomach. "Stop," she repeated as she continued to push his arm down. "Please… stop…"

"Elphaba?" Fiyero frowned. She was telling him to stop but kept pushing his arm lower. "Elphaba… can you hear me?"

She snapped her eyes open and released Fiyero's arm. She stared at the ceiling, her body rigged, and just breathed. "Sorry," she muttered. "I don't know what I'm doing."

Fiyero removed the cloth from Elphaba's stomach and dropped it on the floor. He pulled her dress back down and scooped her up in his arms. In moments he had her in her bed, the covers tightly wrapped around her. He kneeled down beside her. She stared at the wall.

"Why?"

Fiyero frowned. "'Why' what?" he asked.

"Why won't he leave me alone?" Her voice was cracking again from the force of her suppressed sobs. "Why is he never… never happy with what he's already gotten from me?"

Fiyero slipped his hand underneath the covers, grabbed a hold of a green one. "He's sick in the mind Elphaba. His soul is twisted. He's the disgusting one, not you."

"My father he… he had a reason. He was grieving. He thought I was… was mother. It doesn't excuse his actions but at least it gives me… something. To know there was some sort of strange logic behind it all. Avaric… he… he has no reason. No excuse. He just… just wants."

"One day he'll get what he deserves. One day fate will pay him back for the crimes he has committed."

"What does he see in me?" Elphaba turned her head to look at Fiyero. "What could he possibly see in this… this used-up, dirty body that could make him want me so?"

"You're _not _dirty Elphaba! You're _not _used up. You're _not _tainted or a whore or a slut or whatever other title you want to demean yourself with! You're _none _of those things! Can you not see that?"

Elphaba closed her eyes. Rolled on to her side so it was easier for her to look at Fiyero. Opened her eyes again. "No," she whispered. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry Fiyero but… I… I cannot see what you see."


	55. The Fault

_"No," she whispered. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry Fiyero but… I… I cannot see what you see."_

--

**Chapter Fifty-Five: The Fault**

By the time Glinda entered the shared dorm, returning from class, Elphaba was asleep. A restless, unsettlingly sleep but a sleep nonetheless. Fiyero had pulled the chair from Glinda's vanity closer to Elphaba's bed and was sitting on it – one hand laying listlessly on his lap and the other one was gently placed overtop of a green hand on the bed.

The two of them had not attended the History period and Glinda could tell, immediately, that something was terribly wrong. "Fiyero?" she asked quietly, afraid of waking the sleeping Elphaba.

The Vinkus prince raised tired, red-rimmed eyes to meet Glinda's questioning gaze. "Avaric," he said. The simple answer was all the blonde needed.

Glinda's eyes widened in horror and her jaw slacked unattractively in shock. "A… again?" she stuttered out. "Why… why can he not leave her alone?"

Fiyero shrugged. He was exhausted, mentally and emotionally drained. He didn't have the strength to talk anymore.

"How far did he go?"

The whispered words caused a shiver to crawl up Fiyero's spine. "I'm not sure," he muttered. "When I saw him he told me he didn't 'really rape' her… to quote his words."

Glinda sat down on her bed, kicking her shoes off. "You were suppose to be watching her." Her voice was not accusing in any way, she was just stating a fact.

"Don't remind me."

"How did Avaric get a hold of her?"

Fiyero let out a heavy sigh. "Elphaba left class early, I followed her. And then the rest of the classes were let out and in the crowd of students I got knocked. I took my eyes off of her for just a second but she was gone when I looked back. By… by the time I found her it… was too late."

"Avaric must have been waiting right by her. Why? Why would he all of the sudden want her again?" Her voice was getting quieter with every word she spoke.

"They got partnered together for a project in Life Sciences. That's why Elphaba left early. That's why Avaric wanted to torment her."

"What does he want from her?" Glinda bitterly spat out.

"Control." Fiyero dropped his gaze to his lap as he tried to control the anger bubbling inside of him. "He wants control over her. And… and the novelty of knowing he screwed the green girl!"

"Don't say it like that." Glinda looked up to make eye contact with her boyfriend but Fiyero refused. "It makes her sound like a whore."

Another heavy sigh left Fiyero's throat. "Sorry," he muttered as he closed his eyes and leaned forward on his chair, resting his elbows on his knees. His hand slipped from Elphaba's.

He cried. He buried his head in his hands and cried. The sobs shook his shoulders, tore at his throat, but he couldn't stop them. This was his fault and he knew it. This regression back in to despair and pain for Elphaba was because of him. He failed to protect her. Failed to keep her safe. The guilt was suffocating.

Glinda was at his side in a moment but she was, as always, unsure of what to do. Comforting others had never been her strong point; it was Fiyero's. But now Fiyero needed comforting and he couldn't very well comfort himself. Glinda laid a hand on his shoulder, the only thing she could do to comfort him short of a full-blown hug. And she had a feeling that that was not what Fiyero wanted.

"Fiyero?"

The whispered word cut through the Vinkus prince's sobs. He fell silent and Fiyero and Glinda both turned to face the now awake green girl. A green hand reached out, grabbed Fiyero's, squeezed it gently. "This wasn't your fault." Her voice was quiet, hoarse, and choked with her own barely suppressed sobs. Her eyes remained closed.

"I'm sorry to have waken you."

"Don't change the subject. This wasn't your fault."

"It's more my fault then anyone else's!" Fiyero's voice was loud with anger and guilt directed at only himself.

"It was Avaric's fault." Elphaba's eyes were still closed in exhaustion. "Not your fault, not my fault, not fate's fault. Just… just Avaric's."

The statement shocked both Fiyero and Glinda. They couldn't believe that Elphaba was not blaming herself. It was odd. Strange. It made both of them smile with such a level of joy that they could barely contain themselves.

"Just Avaric's," she whispered, as if the more she repeated it the more she would believe it. "Only Avaric's."

And then she cried; choking sobs that wracked her body and made her feel blissfully empty and completely alive all at the same time.


	56. Of Hope And Strength

**_Author's Warning: _**_Avaric and all that comes along with him. But don't worry, he gets a little surprise in this chapter (don't want to give too much away but_…_well_… _read on and find out)._

--

_And then she cried; choking sobs that wracked her body and made her feel blissfully empty and completely alive all at the same time._

--

**Chapter Fifty-Six: Of Hope and Strength**

They sat beneath the apple tree behind the school's cafeteria. It was their private spot. No other student ever came here. Elphaba loved the spot; it was secluded. If she wanted to cry, she could. If she wanted to scream, she could. She was free here. Free of judgment and criticism. It was calming, peaceful.

And her children were buried here. For a long time she couldn't come to this tree without the guilt and despair overtaking her. Those feelings still remained but they were only a dull thud in her aching chest. And in some strange way she felt connected to her children when she was here. If she closed her eyes and just listened to the wind she swore she could hear their voices. Sometimes, if the timing was right, she could imagine them playing in the long, unkempt grass. They would still be young, not able to walk. But sometimes she imagined them as older – toddlers – running around and playing, laughing. The imagined scenes didn't bring her the grief she always thought they would. They brought her hope. Hope for her future. Hope for what she might one day be able achieve.

The strangest thing of all was that when she imagined her children they didn't have the pale skin that they had been born with, they had the green skin of herself.

They both wore sleeveless dresses and the sun warmed their bare arms. A pleasant breeze that was neither too cold nor too hot teased their hair. Flattening Glinda's curls every-so-slightly and pulling a few of Elphaba's shorter strands of hair from her braid.

Elphaba shifted her position so that she laid on her stomach, her elbows on the ground, and her head propped up in her hands. Every few minutes she would flip the page in the book she was reading, or scribble something down in her notebook.

Glinda was sitting cross-legged with a thick book in her lap. She was mumbling under her breath as she flicked her practice wand around in erratic movements. The blonde practiced her sorcery far more than Elphaba did but she still had not reached near the level that the green girl seemed to have been able to reach with ease.

"How do you do it?" Glinda asked. She threw her wand down in frustration. "This sorcery stuff makes no sense!"

Elphaba looked up from her book and raised an eyebrow in amusement. "Keep trying. Your problem isn't with your skill, it's how you pronounce the words. Focus on your dictation more."

Glinda picked up her wand, tried again, and the spell failed. She let out a sigh and closed her book.

"Don't give up," Elphaba said.

"I'm not." Glinda leaned back on her hands. "I just need a break. It gets to be too much sometimes."

"I know how that feels."

By the time Glinda looked over to her green friend Elphaba had already dropped her gaze back to her book. But her eyes weren't moving back and forth, she wasn't actually reading anymore. She had shocked herself with her own words so severely that she could barely contain her tears. She hadn't meant to say what she had said. She hadn't meant to drag up any bad memories during this particular excursion outside.

"Elphie?" Glinda's voice was quiet. "Do you want to talk?"

"You can't rape the willing."

The words echoed in the air around Elphaba and the blonde sitting near. The pen in the green girl's hand cracked as she grasped it far too tightly – her knuckles turning pale, almost white, from the force. She closed her eyes and turned her head away from her friend. She definitely had _not_ meant to say that out loud.

"Elph–"

"Shut-up!" Elphaba's voice was far angrier than she meant it to be but she couldn't help herself. She grabbed her schoolbooks and stood up. "I'm going to the library," she hissed out between clenched teeth.

A pale hand wrapped around Elphaba's wrist. "Elphie." Glinda whispered. "You were never willing."

"Don't." Elphaba dearly wished she had stayed silent. _How stupid the things I say, _she thought to herself, cursing her own inability to control her tongue.

"You were _raped_." Glinda held Elphaba firmly in place, not letting her green friend run off alone. "You were forced. You were _not_ willing!"

"I did nothing to stop them." Elphaba's voice was quiet now, trembling slightly. "That means I was willing."

"You were terrified. You–"

"I enjoyed my father." Her words came out in a tumbling mess of syllables rushed together. Almost impossible to understand. Almost, but not quite. "Near the end of it. I… got used to him. I… I enjoyed him."

A gasp of horror and disgust escaped Glinda's throat but it was the only reaction she allowed to wriggle free of her control. "You were a child then," she whispered. Not knowing if she was trying to find the logic behind Elphaba's childhood feelings for Elphaba or for herself. "You reacted as normally as you could in an abnormal situation."

"I enjoyed him." Elphaba seemed lost in her past, in her pain, again. "My own father! If that's not the very definition of a whore then I don't know what is!"

"Did you enjoy Avaric?"

Elphaba's body went completely rigged. She wasn't looking at Glinda, the blonde was slightly behind her. "No." Her voice was meek, hollow.

"So, you consider Avaric's actions rape but not your father's?"

"No one's." Elphaba turned around, laying cold eyes on Glinda. Eyes full of a terrible pain and despair. "You can't rape the willing," she repeated.

"You weren't willing!" Glinda's voice was high-pitched with her own grief.

"You weren't there," Elphaba whispered, her voice bitter. "What do you know?"

"Because if you had been willing you wouldn't be so tormented by the memories! If you had been willing you'd be happy right now!"

Elphaba's eyes narrowed dangerously before she ripped her arm free of Glinda, dropped her schoolbooks, and fled. The blonde followed swiftly but she knew that no matter how hard she pushed herself she would never be able to catch her green friend. Elphaba had always been far more athletic than the blonde.

Glinda kicked her shoes off sometime during her chase. She had stopped counting the number of shoes she had lost in the process of chasing or carrying Elphaba a long time ago.

Glinda saw Elphaba duck in to one of the thicker almost-forests on the school grounds. The blonde was quite far behind her green friend and she knew that by the time she reached the almost-forest Elphaba could be long gone. They were both breathing heavily now, and sweating. For Glinda the sweat was simply annoying but for Elphaba it was burning her skin. The physical pain only made her anger grow.

She wasn't even sure why she was angry. Glinda hadn't said anything worthy of dredging up the anger she was currently feeling. But then, perhaps, the anger was replacing the tears she desperately wanted to cry. After all, she was in public. And Elphaba Thropp refused to cry in public.

Elphaba darted out of the almost-forest she had ran in to and froze. A sudden cry was ripped from her throat at the sight of the man who stood before her.

Avaric.

She felt naked. Exposed. She knew that she was fully clothed but that piece of knowledge did little to help her. Standing before him she was nothing but a whore. A naked object to be used how he saw fit. A slut. A wrench. A whore.

He smiled. That same damn smile that Elphaba had seen far too much of. He was with people; some boys, a couple girls. She latched on to the thin strand of hope that he wouldn't try anything with a crowd.

Her hope was crushed in a second.

He pushed her against a nearby tree trunk. A hand cupper her breast, the other held her chin to keep her head still. He kissed her. "I thought you'd avoid me for longer," he whispered, kissing her again – with more force. "Or do you enjoy me more than you let on you little slut?" Another kiss. His hand dropped from her breast. Sneaked down her stomach. Touched her through the fabric of her clothes. Played with the folds of her womanhood.

She could hear the others snickering, laughing. His friends were just standing there, watching him do what he was doing to her. Laughing.

They were having fun.

The thought enraged her to a point beyond her control. With a strength she should not possess she pushed him away. He stumbled backwards slightly before regaining his balance. He tried to approach her again. She wouldn't let him. Before she even registered what she was doing her green fist struck his jaw. He stumbled backwards again, almost fell, but gained his balance again at the last moment.

"You're a little feistier around an audience," he stated, rubbing his jaw. He approached her again. "Ashamed? I'm sure not. After all… I was the one who got to fuck the green girl."

Her fist connected with his nose. She heard the very audible sound of bones breaking and she smiled as the blood began to pour. This time he did fall to the ground, unable to keep his balance. She stood there, panting like a caged animal, as she stared down at him. It felt good to be the one looking down. To be the one on top. To be the one in control.

But he was standing just as fast as he had fallen down. Elphaba let out a small yelp of surprise before clamping her mouth shut. Avaric didn't bother to try and stop the blood that now gushed from his broken nose. He was too angry to bother with trivial actions such as that. He grabbed Elphaba's arm, just below her elbow, and dragged her in to the cover of the almost-forest. She screamed. He clamped a hand over her mouth. Shoved her to the ground.

The rage she had previously felt towards Avaric had turned in to debilitating panic. She couldn't breath. She couldn't move. He dug a knee in to her stomach. Undid his belt. Pulled his pants down just enough. His blood from his nose poured on to her. She tried to scream but his hand still kept her silent. He yanked her dress up to where his knee was digging in to her. Ripped her undergarment away. He shifted positions. Prepared himself. Pushed in to her. She stopped struggling. He pulled out. Pushed in. Stared at her eyes. Forced her to look at him. Pulled out. Pushed in.

And then she heard the laughter. His friends. Mocking her. Laughing at her. Using her pain and torment as entertainment.

She found her rage again. Her strength. He pulled out. She grabbed him. His face revealed his shock but he quickly regained his composure. He reached down, tried to pull her hand off of his membrane. She wouldn't let him. She dug her nails in to him. He squealed like a stuck pig. She bent her legs, got them underneath of him, and kicked him off. He landed on his back, the wind knocked out of him. She got up, her dress falling down to cover her again, and stood over top of him.

Elphaba Thropp dug the heel of her shoe in to the very body part of the very man that had caused her so much torment.

She smiled as he screamed. However, her victory was short lived as the other students, Avaric's friends, burst in to the almost-forest to see what had caused Avaric to yell out in pain. They froze when they saw Elphaba standing there, her heal digging in to Avaric's membrane.

The green girl looked at them, then down at Avaric, and then back up to them. Her eyes widened in fear over what the group of students might do to her. She lifted her foot off of Avaric and slowly backed up before turning around and fleeing as fast as she could.

She broke out of the almost-forest and literally ran right in to Glinda. She barely registered the blonde before grabbing her wrist and dragging her along.

"Elphie!" Glinda chanced a glance over her shoulder, saw Avaric – covered in blood – stepping out of the almost-forest. She could literally feel the fury radiating out of him. She looked forwards again. "Elphie!" The blonde was suddenly very, very scared.

"We have to get out of here," Elphaba said, her voice trembling with either anger or terror. Glinda couldn't tell which.

"What happened? Why are you covered in blood? Why is Avaric covered in blood? What's going on? Elphie!"

"Shut-up and run!"

When they finally made it to their dorm room Elphaba was trembling with panic and fear. She slammed the door shut behind them. She locked it, grabbed the chair at Glinda's vanity, and shoved it under the doorknob. And then she did something that nearly gave Glinda a heart attack – she closed and locked the window. Going so far as to even shut the blinds.

She collapsed to the floor; resting her back against her bed and hugging her knees to her chest. She stared at the small opening between the floor and the bottom of Glinda's bed frame. Unmoving. Unblinking.

Glinda slowly sat down beside her. Elphaba hadn't turned the light on and with the blinds closed the room was nearly pitch black. Their shoulders touched and Elphaba relaxed instantly. She let out a heavy sigh; letting her head rest against Glinda's boney, prominent shoulder.

"He's going to kill me." Elphaba's voice was shaking and her terror was overwhelming the small dorm room. "He's going to kill me," she repeated.

"Avaric?"

Elphaba nodded; jarringly, stiffly.

"What happened?" Glinda grabbed a hold of Elphaba's hand, squeezed it reassuringly. Both she and Fiyero had come to realize that holding Elphaba's hand was one of the best ways to keep her relaxed.

"I hurt him."

"You did?"

"I broke his nose." Elphaba smiled at the memory, at the joy she had felt. "That's where the blood came from. From him."

"You made him bleed?"

"Yes."

"Did it feel good?"

Elphaba laughed. A loud, forced laugh full of hidden despair and not-so hidden terror. "Not as good as it felt to grind his dick in to a pulp."

Glinda gasped. "You didn't!" Her voice was playful, surprised. "Did you really?"

"Yes."

"Good." Glinda chuckled. "The bastard deserved it."

"Now Miss Glinda… that's not any language for a proper young lady such as yourself." Elphaba was teasing now; trying to mask her fear with playful words and friendship. It was almost working. But only almost.

Glinda saw through it. "Something else happened," the blonde stated as nothing more than a fact. Leaving her sentence open for her green friend to decided whether she wanted to talk about it or not.

Elphaba closed her eyes, choked on her voice, was forced to swallow away the lump in her throat. "He… he raped me… again."

"Oh… oh, Elphie!" Glinda was shocked. Near tears. "Dear Oz Elphie! I'm so sorry!"

"Don't be. There's nothing for you to be sorry for. And… there's nothing for… for me to be sorry for."

"It was his fault."

"I… I know."

Glinda nodded; letting her tears fall. Knowing that Elphaba wasn't going to cry and crying enough for both of them instead.


	57. Of Self Control

_Glinda nodded; letting her tears fall. Knowing that Elphaba wasn't going to cry and crying enough for both of them instead._

--

**Chapter Fifty-Seven: Of Self Control**

Elphaba Thropp stood in front of the door trembling in pure fear. She looked to her left, saw Fiyero leaning against the wall a few feet down the hall, felt safe. He smiled at her, nodded reassuringly, and Elphaba smiled back. She raised her hand and took a deep breath. She knocked three times; swiftly, nervously. She heard movement inside of the room and then the door opened.

Avaric.

He stared at her in surprise. Cocked his head slightly and slowly smiled. "Coming back for more?" he said with a short laugh. "I knew you were just a little whore from the moment I first laid eyes on you."

"I am _not_ a whore!" Elphaba hissed out between clenched teeth. She was terrified but knew she had to do this, had to stand up to him. "I am _not_ a slut! I am _not_ some object for you to use for your own sick pleasure! And I am _not_ in your control!"

Avaric frowned, an expression of confusion developing on his face.

"We have a project to do together." Elphaba was speaking unnaturally fast but fear will do that to someone. "I have no problems taking the zero and if I was the same sort of person as you I would simply refused to even consider doing the project. However, I am not like you in any way so I say this – I am willing to do this project if we do it under _my_ rules. Research is done in the library only. I'll give you a list of things to look up and you will do that, and _only _that. We will talk only when needed and if you so much as look at me in the wrong way I will get up, leave, and never lay eyes on you again. One wrong move and _you'll _be getting a zero and _you'll _be the one failing that class!"

"Why should I listen to you?" Avaric tried to grab her wrist. Elphaba stepped backwards and out of his reach. "And where's that little Vinkus prince of yours?" he continued. "He must be near else there's no way you would be here. You don't have the strength to face me alone. Face it Miss Elphaba… I have you under my complete control you little slut."

He made to close the door but Elphaba grabbed it, held it open. "I am _not yours_!" She was furious now. "I fought you off once I could do it again!"

"Really?" Avaric smiled coldly. "Then let's just see." He grabbed the green hand that was holding his door open and yanked Elphaba inside. He slammed the door shut behind her, locking it, and pulling the dresser in front of it.

By the time Fiyero got to the door he couldn't open it. He cursed, screamed through the door for it to be opened but he got no response.

Elphaba stood stock still in the middle of Avaric's room. He came up behind her. Wrapped his arms around her waist. "See," he whispered in to her ear. He kissed her neck. "When it's just you and I you can't do anything." His hand dropped lower. Played with her most private area through her clothing. "When it's just you and I you are completely mine."

"I am not a whore." Her voice was shaking, quiet, and full of debilitating fear. This was not how the conversation was suppose to end.

"You're mine." Avaric roughly pulled her to his bed, pushing her on to her back. He straddled her. Leaned down and kissed her. "I've marked you as mine. My pretty little slut."

He leaned back, grabbing her dress and pushing it up. He pulled down her undergarment and looked. He kissed her womanhood.

Elphaba closed her eyes, reaching in to her bra and pulling out the small knife that she had hidden there. By the time Avaric comprehended what had happened Elphaba had him on his back on the bedroom floor, the knife imbedded in his shoulder. She ripped his pants down and grabbed him in his most private area.

She pulled the knife out of his shoulder and stabbed his membrane. Avaric screamed and kicked at her. His foot made contact with her stomach, causing her to very nearly vomit but she held the instinctive reaction back. She pulled the knife out, stabbed him again. He screamed and the next kick made contact with her chest. Sent her flying backwards. She crashed against the dresser and simply stared as Avaric curled in on himself. Whimpering. She smiled as she stood up, barely registering the blood that covered her. She pushed the dresser out of the way, unlocked the door, and left.

Fiyero was pacing in the hall as he tried to think of a way to get in to the room. There was no way to scale the outside of Avaric's room to get in through his window and he was feeling completely useless.

He froze when he saw Elphaba. "Dear Oz what happened to you!" he cried out, seeing the blood that covered her. Fearing that she might have killed Avaric in her rage.

She smiled. "He does not control me," she whispered, finally beginning to believe in her own strength. "Only I control myself."

"Did you… did you kill him?" Fiyero's voice was shaking, terrified that Elphaba had become a murderer.

Elphaba shook her head. "No… he just won't be… raping anyone for a very, very long time."

Fiyero took Elphaba's hand in his own and gently lead her to his own room. Once there he pulled out the oils he had for the green girl and slowly cleaned the blood off of her face and hands. She sat on his bed, seemingly in shock.

"What have I done?"

Fiyero froze as he was rubbing the last of the blood off of her hand. He looked up and locked eyes with her. "You were protecting yourself."

"If I had stayed in there I would have killed him." Her voice was choked and her eyes wet with unshed tears.

"Yet you didn't stay in there. You left before you lost control of yourself." Fiyero returned to cleaning the blood off of her hand but now he worked slower, was more gentle.

"I am not a murderer."

"No."

"I am not a slut."

"No Elphaba. You are not."

"I am a person," she whispered. "Capable of feelings, emotions."

"Yes, yes you are." Fiyero smiled slightly, hopefully.

"I am worthy of love."


	58. Of Kittens And Children

_"I am worthy of love."_

--

**Chapter Fifty-Eight: Of Kittens and Children**

Elphaba ate her salad in silence. She didn't talk because she was afraid of ruining the moment.

She sat outside on a large blanket. Glinda beside her and Fiyero beside the blonde. Boq was across from her and so was Nessa. Crope and Tibbett sat on the other side of her as did Shenshen and Pfannee. She ate slowly as she just listened to the conversations going on around her. She wasn't entirely comfortable with all the people around her – she knew Shenshen and Pfannee didn't exactly like her – but Glinda had begged for her to come so she had.

She was happy that she had decided to come.

"Miss Elphaba," Shenshen said suddenly.

The green girl looked up from her salad and raised a single eyebrow quizzically. Shenshen rarely ever addressed her. "Yes?"

"I heard a rumour that you stabbed Avaric in his… well… down there. He denies it, of course, but Pfannee and I were wondering if it really was true… or not?"

Elphaba closed her eyes, her fork slipping from her grasp and landing in the salad she held. She took a deep breath then opened her eyes again, meeting Shenshen's gaze. "Yes," she stated, not quietly but not overly loud. It was a fact and nothing more.

The other conversations around Elphaba had fallen silent at Shenshen's brave question and Elphaba's level response.

"Good," Pfannee stated, covering her mouth politely with her hand as she spoke around her food. "He deserved it. Someone had to show him that he's not all that."

Shenshen nodded. Both of them seemed oblivious to how much pain this conversation was causing Elphaba. How their words brought back memories that made her chest ache.

"Good for you Miss Elphaba," Shenshen said. "We've all wanted to do something like that for a long time but none of us were brave enough. But of course, out of everyone, you would be. You're strong in that kind of way."

Elphaba's mouth opened in shock. "You… wait… _what_?" she stammered. "You never… agreed with what he did?"

It was Shenshen's turn to open her mouth in shock. "Of course not," she replied, her tone harsh and defending. "We're many things Miss Elphaba but we do not condone nor agree with all that Avaric does. It's just that no one wanted to risk standing against him."

"After all," Pfannee added. "None of us wanted what happened to you to happen to us."

"But… when there were others. They… would laugh at me! Go along with him! They did nothing… _nothing_ to stop him!" Elphaba was on her feet now, rage coursing through her. She couldn't believe that others had been just as disgusted with Avaric's actions as she had been and yet had done absolutely nothing to stop him.

Shenshen was not phased by Elphaba's outburst. "We heard what he did to you and we feared the same would happen to us if we tried to stop him."

"So you just did _nothing_! _Absolutely_ _nothing_!" Tears sprung to her eyes but she quickly tried to blink them away. "You just sat back and let him… him _rape_ me!"

"Elphie…" Glinda stood up, grabbed a hold of a green hand. "Elphie… please… try to calm down."

"Calm down?" Elphaba asked in disbelief as she ripped her hand free of Glinda's grasp. "How can you say that? I've just found out that this could have stopped months ago had others actually _cared_! If others weren't so _damn selfish_! And you want me to… to _calm down_?"

She turned around and ran. Fleeing the suffocating atmosphere of the small picnic. Faintly she heard people calling her name. Glinda, Fiyero, Boq, her sister. They were calling after her but she ignored them.

"That was cruel!" Glinda snapped out. Shenshen and Pfannee both had the decency to look slightly guilty but neither apologized for their words.

"Is she going to be okay?" Nessa asked, genuinely concerned for her sister. "She's so isolated now. I'm worried about her."

Fiyero let out a heavy sigh. "If everything would just stop getting worse then maybe she would have a chance!" His voice was bitter, angry.

"Whatever do you mean?" Nessa asked. "You said she was doing better. She stood up to Avaric even."

Fiyero stood up in frustration. "Dropping bombshells like what they did –" He pointed at Shenshen and Pfannee. "– does not help her! Now she just thinks that this all could have been over with long ago! That all the pain she suffered through could have been lessoned! Sometimes ignorance is bliss! And you all need to learn to keep your damn mouths shut around her! For Oz's sake, it's not that hard to figure out what will and will not upset her!"

The Vinkus prince whirled around. "I'm going to go find her," he muttered before running off in the direction that Elphaba had fled in.

Glinda frowned, starring long and hard at both Shenshen and Pfannee. "I'm trying to help Elphie and you two have done nothing but hold her back!" she spat out. "Learn to act around her or forget about associating with either of us anymore!"

"Look," Shenshen said, trying to explain herself. "We didn't mean to upset her. We were just trying to tell her why we never stopped him. We were just being honest."

"Sometimes honesty is best left for later!" Glinda turned to leave, paused, and then said over her shoulder: "Have fun at your little picnic. I'm going to actually do some good, make a difference, and help Elphie!"

Glinda crossed her arms and stomped away. She wasn't entirely sure where Elphaba, or Fiyero, had gone – they were long out of her sight. But she did know the general direction that her green friend had fled in so she headed that why.

Fiyero found Elphaba first, at the apple tree she so often visited. The green girl was resting against the trunk of the tree and something was in her lap.

"Is that a cat?" Fiyero asked as he sat down beside her.

"A kitten," Elphaba clarified. She was scratching it's ears. "She's injured."

Fiyero looked down at the small ball of orange fur in Elphaba's lap. "She looks fine to me."

Elphaba gently picked the kitten up and flipped her over. A large gash marred her white-furred underbelly. "She's swollen," Elphaba whispered. "Which means she's bleeding internally."

Fiyero raised his eyes from the kitten to Elphaba. "I'm sorry," he said.

Elphaba nodded as she placed the kitten back down on her lap. "At least she's not going to die alone."

The kitten purred, seemingly happy with the situation she was in.

"Where did you find her?" Fiyero asked quietly.

"She was sleeping over there," Elphaba pointed to her left, where the two graves of her children were now just barely discernable. The grass had covered the small mounds of dirt and very nearly hidden them. "In-between the… the… well… the graves."

Fiyero nodded as he carefully petted the kitten on Elphaba's lap. She purred louder in happiness. "She doesn't seem to be in pain," the Vinkus prince noticed.

Elphaba shrugged. "A never told you about them, did I?"

"Who?"

"My children."

Fiyero shook his head slightly. "No."

"They were twins." Elphaba's voice was quiet and she looked only at the dying kitten in her lap as she spoke. "A boy and a girl. They had pale skin, like Nessa's. No hint of green anywhere."

"Were you upset about that?"

"I was happy they were normal." Elphaba sighed. "But a part of me was upset. A part of me wished they had been green because then… then I wouldn't be the only green-skinned freak in Oz."

"You're not a freak."

"I know," Elphaba muttered. "But when I look in the mirror it's hard to see anything else."

Fiyero wrapped his arm around her shoulder, pulled Elphaba close to him. "Did you name them?" he asked.

Elphaba frowned. "Who?"

"Your children. Did you name them?"

"I… I never even thought about doing that." She closed her eyes, resting her head on Fiyero's shoulder. "The boy was dead before he was even born. The girl was alive for barely a minute."

"That doesn't make them any less of people, of children. Your children."

"Naming them would make it… too real."

"Are you sure of that?"

Elphaba opened her mouth to speak but the kitten suddenly cried out. Elphaba's eyes flew open and she stared at the now convulsing kitten in her lap. She petted it; slowly, steadily. It calmed down slightly and looked at her. It's eyes were wide, their green orbs staring at her, as it shuddered. And then suddenly it went limp, still.

"She's dead," Elphaba stated as green fingers slowly closed the kitten's eyes. "So young. She didn't even get a chance to live."

"Kind of like you." Fiyero's words were not meant to be cruel but it still felt like a slap to Elphaba. She stiffened and Fiyero felt the movement immediately. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I didn't mean it like that."

"I had a childhood," she muttered, closing her eyes again. She was still petting the kitten in her lap even though she knew it was dead. "There was some good buried in all the bad."

"Of course there was." His words were not meant to be sarcastic and Elphaba didn't take them like that. "There is always good in every situation. Sometimes it just takes awhile to find it."

"Liam."

Fiyero frowned and looked towards Elphaba as she rested on his shoulder. "Pardon?"

"Liam… for the boy." Her voice was quiet, soft, almost as if she was reminiscing. "And… and Siobhan for… for the girl."

"They're beautiful names."

"They were beautiful children."


	59. Alone

**_Author's Warning: _**_Self-harm._

--

_"They were beautiful children."_

--

**Chapter Fifty-Nine: Alone**

_I shouldn't be left alone_.

The thought crossed Elphaba's mind as the knife traced a crooked path down her arm, from the inside of her elbow to her wrist. Her sharp intake of breath was the only thing that alerted the sleeping world to her pain. Unfortunately, all of Oz was unknowing to her actions and there was no one around to rescue her from herself.

The blood slowly oozed from the shallow wound she had created – one of many that now decorated her arm. The small knife was held in her trembling hand as she brought it back up to the crook of her elbow. Another line of blood was traced down to her wrist before her shaking hand dropped the dull blade she held. It fell to the grass below.

She looked up towards the moon; it was only half full. It shined down on her and she frowned. The light it cast on the apple tree she stood near was too beautiful for her liking. It made her feel guilty for doing what she had just done.

_No_, she thought. _I feel guilty because this is wrong_.

The blood dripped from her arm, landing on the two graves she was standing before. She looked down and just watched the blood for a few minutes before crossing her arms and turning around. It took her nearly an hour to get back to her dorm room. She fumbled with her key for a few moments before finally managing to unlock the door.

Fiyero and Glinda had only just begun letting her do things on her own again and she had broken the trust they had placed in her. As soon as she was out of their ever-watchful sight she had fallen right back in to her old habits. She was disappointed in herself for it.

"Glinda," she whispered. The blonde didn't respond.

Elphaba sighed, mentally placing the time at around three or four in the morning, and placed her unharmed arm on her roommate's shoulder. She shook her slightly and Glinda rolled over. "What?" the blonde mumbled, trying to push the green hand away from her.

"Glinda…" Elphaba's voice was choked with a sudden feeling of guilt and shame. "I… I did something I shouldn't have."


	60. The Scar

_"Glinda…" Elphaba's voice was choked with a sudden feeling of guilt and shame. "I… I did something I shouldn't have."_

--

**Chapter Sixty: The Scar**

"Whore."

Elphaba poked her head through the top of her shirt, it was only half on, to stare at her blonde roommate who had not been in their room a moment ago. "_What_?" she spat out.

"Whore," Glinda repeated quietly as she pointed at Elphaba's stomach. "You carved the word in to your skin."

Elphaba turned a deep shade of green in embarrassment as she quickly pulled her shirt the rest of the way down, frantically tucking the thin fabric in to her skirt's waistband. "Drop it," she muttered, turning around so her back now faced the blonde.

"When did you do that?"

"Just drop it!"

Glinda walked towards her roommate and grabbed her hand lightly, staying just a step behind her friend. "When did you create that scar?"

Elphaba's shoulders slumped forward. "It was a mistake."

"Yes it was."

"I'm not a whore anymore."

Glinda squeezed the green hand she was holding. "You never were to begin with."

Elphaba turned her head away, trying to keep herself from looking at her blonde friend. "It was after Avaric," she whispered. "My father abused me but… but Avaric found a way to… control me… for a time."

"He didn't control you," Glinda said, trying to reassure her friend. "No one could ever control you."

"I fear him." Elphaba's voice started to tremble. "I fear him because I… I know what he is capable of. And fear is a very, very good controller."

Glinda placed her hand on Elphaba's shoulder, turned her friend around to face her. She untucked Elphaba's shirt and lifted it up just enough to read the word that her friend had permanently stained her skin with. A manicured nail slowly traced over each letter. The scar wasn't as old as most of the others that marred the green stomach. It was slightly pink in colour and not quite as smooth as Glinda knew it would become in time.

A green hand grabbed Glinda's, pushed the pale hand away from her stomach. "Don't," she muttered.

Glinda tore her eyes away from Elphaba's stomach and raised her head to look at her friend. Elphaba, however, had her head turned away from the blonde and her eyes were shut. Her mouth was pressed in to a thin line and her lower lip trembled ever-so-slightly with the effort it was taking her not to cry.

"Why?" Glinda asked. "Why would you do something so… so permanent?"

"That's what I… felt." Her voice was below that of even a whisper. "I thought… I believed that… that I would never be anything more… more than… than _that_."

"Oh… oh, Elphie!" Glinda couldn't believe what her green friend had done. She couldn't believe that Elphaba had permanently labeled her body, her… her _self_, with such a horrible, degrading title.

Glinda grabbed a hold of Elphaba's hand and placed it, palm down, over top of the word carved in the green stomach. Covering it completely. "It's not you," she said. "It doesn't define you."

"I know that now." Her hand was shaking as Glinda held it on her stomach. "But now it's… too late to take back what I did. Now I will always be… be forced to remember what I was."

Glinda shook her head. "No," she said. "Now you can always remember what you survived through. Now, whenever you're in doubt of yourself, you can look down and remember your strength. And that, Elphie, is a gift you've given yourself."

Silence. Elphaba opened her eyes, looked at Glinda, and smiled. "Tha… thank you. I… I never thought of it like that."

"That's what I'm here for." Glinda returned her friend's smile. "To show you who you are. Be proud of yourself. Be proud of how strong you really are."


	61. Gone

_"That's what I'm here for." Glinda returned her friend's smile. "To show you who you are. Be proud of yourself. Be proud of how strong you really are."_

--

**Chapter Sixty-One: Gone**

Glinda was gone.

Elphaba had agreed to go shopping with the blonde and her two friends, Shenshen and Pfannee, because Fiyero had not been able to take his turn to watch Elphaba and the green girl had not wanted to ruin Glinda's plans. She was now regretting her kindness.

The three socialists had gone to get their hair done and Elphaba had waited in the lobby of the hair salon. Glinda was taking an exceptionally long time so Shenshen and Pfannee had decided to go to the café across the street with direct orders from Glinda to take Elphaba with them. The green girl had been incredibly uncomfortable the whole time in the café and she could tell that the two socialites sitting with her were not happy that they had gotten stuck with the green bean.

Glinda had said she would meet them at the café but when an hour passed by and the blonde had not come Elphaba had convinced Shenshen and Pfannee to return with her to the salon to find out what was taking so long. Upon entering the salon and conversing with the receptionist they came upon the knowledge that Glinda had left almost forty minutes earlier.

That was when the initial fear had begun to sprout in Elphaba.

The green girl and the two socialists scoured all of the nearby shops for the missing blonde but she was no where to be found. They conversed with every shopkeeper on the street and though they all knew of Glinda none of them had seen her that day. Shenshen and Pfannee took their leave and returned to Shiz with the promise of telling Fiyero that his blonde girlfriend had seemingly disappeared.

Elphaba's fear was turning in to a severe case of debilitating panic.

She was alone now. Wandering the streets of the unfamiliar Upper Levels as nighttime quickly approached. Now alone a huge part of Elphaba wanted to abandon her search for Glinda and revert back to her old ways of dealing with her emotions – if just for a moment. Fortunately, the logical part of Elphaba's brain would not allow her to leave Glinda and kept her focused on her task.

Night fell, covering the world in darkness. Even in the Upper Levels Elphaba could see shadowed forms of suspicious people lurking in the alleyways between stores. She hugged her arms around her body to shield herself from the cold and give herself some sort of allusion of security.

Elphaba Thropp was terrified.


	62. The Men

_Elphaba Thropp was terrified._

--

**Chapter Sixty-Two: The Men**

Elphaba was pressed against the wall in terror. She had been wandering the back alleyways for quite a few hours when she had heard the voices. Two men discussing some blonde. One was trying to sell the woman while the other was obviously buying.

_So even in the Upper Levels women are treated as nothing more than objects_, Elphaba thought to herself in disgust.

She peeked around the corner of the alley to try and see the two men that were talking. There was a younger man, the obvious buyer, who was dressed sharply and seemed to be of a high class. The other man was far older, balding slightly, and spewing nonsense about the blonde he had and some green girl she had been with.

_Green_.

Elphaba nearly squealed in shock but managed, just barely, to keep quiet. The older man, the seller, was talking about _her_. And Elphaba realized, in horror, that the blonde he was also talking about could very well be Glinda.

"First off," the younger man said, the wind carrying his words towards Elphaba. "You must be getting too caught up in the scotch, or the whiskey… whatever it is you prefer, because green people just don't exist. Though, if you had gotten this supposively green girl you speak of then I _would _pay more. After all, a green girl… if she existed… could make a lot of money here. Men would want to screw someone as strange as that."

"Well, there is no point in discussing her for I didn't want to try and capture her," The older man argued. "She looked like someone who would not succumb to such an attempt on my part. She had a hardness, an anger about her."

"Men like that in the woman they seek to ravage here."

"I know that!" The older man was getting frantic now. "But it makes for a harder capture. I got you this pretty blonde thing instead. She was traveling with the green girl… which is how I noticed her. But she's a nice one herself. You'll make a good penny off of her."

He pulled someone out from the shadows. Elphaba had to cover her mouth with her hand to stop herself from crying out.

It was Glinda.

The blonde was gagged, her arms bound behind her back. Elphaba noticed, for the first time, the knife gleaming in the old man's hand. It was the only thing that prevented the green girl from fleeing in to a frantic, foolish, action of just running towards her friend.

The younger man stepped forward, blocking the sight of Glinda from Elphaba. "Did you test her?" he asked.

Elphaba's heart seemed to jump up in to her throat.

"I didn't go all the way," the older man replied. "She's a feisty one and I didn't want to risk making a scene and losing her. Besides, she looks like one you would want to test yourself."

"Did you check her at all?"

The older man shrugged. "Nothing too surprising. She's loose enough to not be a virgin but she's definitely not used up at all. She's young and _man_, she's pretty down there. But you'll see that for yourself if you pay me what I want."

A knife was suddenly placed against Elphaba's neck and a hand covered her mouth. Her eyes widened in fear as she was slowly pushed forward. She was walked out of the shadows and the two men that stood there, talking about Glinda's fate, turned to face her.

"Hey," the older man said. "That's the green girl that was with the blonde earlier!" He was excited. "See, I brought her to you! You owe me double now!"

The younger man's widened in shock and then he laughed. "Dear Oz, it _wasn't_ a trick of your scotch... a green woman really does exist! Well, it matters not... you didn't bring her to me. My guy just got her now. You did nothing!"

"She obviously came in search of her blonde friend here. And I brought you the blonde!"

The younger man just shook his head. "Test her," he ordered the older man.

The guy behind Elphaba, the one holding the knife against her throat, threw her against a nearby wall. He grabbed her wrists and pressed them against the wall over her head. The knife was placed at the back of her neck. She cried out, struggled to free herself, but she was too weak.

Elphaba froze as her undergarment was ripped away. Cold hands touched her private area. Pulling, pushing, entering it ever so slightly. The man touching her laughed.

"What's so funny?" the younger man asked, the obvious leader in this group.

"People who are virgins or who have had sex before try to squirm away from my touch," he said as he slowly pushed his hand further in to Elphaba. "Those who have been used before freeze. They know how futile it is to try and escape."

"She's not struggling," the younger man observed.

"It looks like our green treat here has been raped before."


	63. The Room

**_Author's Warning: _**_I don't wish to give anything away but I cried writing this chapter. I haven't cried writing any other chapter for this story thus far. So that might just be a little bit of a hint as to what is to come when you read on. I literally had to stop writing this chapter for over a week before I could stomach coming back to it. I originally had it ending much darker (with even MORE bad shit happening then what does happen) but when it came to writing it all down I just couldn't do_ _it… I had to tone it down. So, as you read, keep in mind that it was even WORSE in the original developmental stage._

_Also, the rating of this story has been changed to 'M'_… _that is solely based on this chapter and the graphic nature of it (or rather, what EXACTLY happens). So, in summary, I just wanted all the readers to know that this chapter was just as hard for me to write as it will probably be for you to read._

--

_"It looks like our green treat here has been raped before."_

--

**Chapter Sixty-Three: The Room**

Elphaba, now gagged, and Glinda were both pushed in to an empty room. After the younger man had paid off the older man they were both led, by knife point, through a nearby door and down a series of stairs until they were pushed in to the room they were now in.

If Elphaba had been alone she would have fought with all her might to escape but she hadn't been alone and the men who had captured them obviously knew that they were friends, or at least companions. And the green girl was terrified that if she tried anything they would harm Glinda.

The blonde was of the same frame of mind.

Now in the empty room they were held by their wrists, bound behind their back, and a knife against their necks. The men that held them stood far too close for comfort.

The younger man stood by the only door in the room and looked at them both. "I will remove your gags and untie your wrists," he stated. "But only if you keep your mouths shut and do as I say. If one of you disobeys me the other one will be harmed."

The men behind them removed the knives from their necks, undid their bound wrists, and tossed their gags aside. The knives were placed back on their necks.

Glinda was trying desperately to make eye contact with her green friend but Elphaba refused to look at her. Instead, Elphaba kept a steady, firm gaze on the young man standing by the door. The man who had paid for them as if they were just pieces of food for his customers to enjoy.

"You're green," he stated.

Elphaba raised her eyebrows and slackened her jaw in feigned shock. "Really?" she said, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "I did not know!"

The young man frowned and nodded at the man standing behind Glinda. Elphaba's turned her head to watch, in horror, as the man grabbed one of the blonde's breasts and squeezed. Glinda cried out.

"If you disobey the other is punished," the young man said as the man behind Glinda dropped his hand from the blonde's chest. "Now undress the blonde."

Elphaba snapped her head back to look at the young man. "What?" she nearly shrieked out. "I will do no such thing!"

"Undress your blonde friend here or else I will just rape her. It's your choice."

Elphaba started shaking from the horror she felt at what she was being told to do. The man behind her pushed her towards Glinda, the knife pressing in to her neck. She swallowed around the lump in her throat as her green hands slowly worked the buttons lose on Glinda's blouse. "I'm sorry," she whispered, keeping her eyes adverted from her friend.

"Don't talk!"

Elphaba flinched at the sound of the young man's voice. She was suddenly struck with such fear that she nearly collapsed. She couldn't believe this was happening. She couldn't comprehend how fate could hand her such a horrible situation to add to the long list she's already suffered through.

Once Glinda was naked one of the men, Elphaba didn't pay attention to who, kicked her clothes in to a corner.

"Undress the green one," the young man ordered, clearly talking to Glinda.

Elphaba felt the blonde's hands shaking as she undid Elphaba's clothes, letting the dress fall to the ground. The green girl stepped out of it – one of the men kicked it aside. Her body went completely rigged and stiff as Glinda reached around behind her to take of her bra – her other undergarment had already been torn from her earlier.

Elphaba was naked now. An object to be leered at by the three men in the room. They both were. Glinda was still trying to catch Elphaba's eyes but the green girl refused.

The young man walked over from the door and stood in front of the naked women. His eyes looked up and down Glinda's body and he smiled at the sight. "You're definitely a pretty one," he said to the blonde. "Small, but pretty." He turned to look at Elphaba. "And you… well… you're green. You'll be bringing in the cash in no time." His eyes stopped at her stomach. He read the word that was permanently etched there. "Whore?" he asked with an amused smile on his face. "It seems the old bugger was right. Tell me, did someone mark you as that or did you do it to yourself?"

Elphaba kept her eyes locked on the ground, refusing to look at anyone or anything. The young man grabbed her chin, lifted her head up to force her to look at him. His other hand went to her stomach, two fingers tracing the word that was there. "Who labeled you a whore?"

She closed her eyes, took a deep breath. "Myself," she whispered, afraid of what would happen to Glinda should she refuse to answer.

He laughed. "A tormented soul? This should be interesting indeed." He grabbed a green hand, moved it to where he wanted it to go.

Forced her to touch the folds of Glinda's womanhood.

Elphaba's eyes snapped open and she wrenched her hand away. "What the fuck are you doing!" she screamed, wrapping her arms around herself protectively. "You're fucking sick!"

"Let me do what I want," he said, his voice low and laced with warning. "Or else I'll rape your friend right here, right now, and make you watch. I know you don't want that because you know how it feels to be ravaged by an unforgiving man. Don't you? You know the pain, the terror, and the shame it causes. Don't you?"

Elphaba stayed silent, dropping her gaze to the ground again. Her shoulders began to shake with barely suppressed tears.

"Answer me!"

"Yes," Elphaba choked out.

He smiled. "You can avoid that for your friend. Just give me your hand."

"I… I can't."

"Very well," he said. The young man turned around and grabbed Glinda, pushed her to the ground. She cried out in surprise and then horror as she realized what was coming.

"Stop!" Elphaba screamed.

The young man froze and looked back at the green girl. "Why should I?" he asked.

"I'll… I'll… do it," she whispered.

"Pardon?" he said, even though he had heard her clearly. "I can't hear you. Speak louder."

"I'll do it." Her voice was slightly louder but not loud enough for him yet.

"I still can't hear you."

"I'll do it!" she screamed, finally looking up and making eye contact with him. "Just don't rape her! Please! I'll… I'll do anything. Just… let her go."

"Come here," he ordered. Elphaba did. "Kneel down." She did.

He took a green hand in his own. Brought it to Glinda's body. Slowly he made Elphaba touch the blonde's most private area. He led the green fingers in to Glinda's body. Pulled them out. Pushed them back in. Pulled them out. Dragged them over Glinda's stomach to her breasts. Made her cup one in her green hand. Then the other. Brought them back down again.

Glinda's body was tense, rigged. The blonde had her eyes closed as she desperately tried to pretend that it wasn't Elphaba doing this to her. That it wasn't the green hand that she had held so often entering in to her.

Elphaba's whole body was shaking violently as she tried to keep herself from crying. She couldn't let herself cry because she couldn't let them know that her tears burnt her. If they saw that they would learn what water did to her and she couldn't let them have that advantage.

Her hand was led in to Glinda for the last time and then pulled out. Elphaba heard the shuffling of pants being pulled off.

"Open you eyes you green whore," the young man ordered. Elphaba did to find herself staring at a half-naked man now, kneeling on the floor. His shirt was still on but his pants and underwear were off.

Glinda was still lying on the ground, her eyes closed tightly against the torment she had just endured. Elphaba, for her part, felt sick to her stomach. She felt disgusting. She hadn't been raped, she hadn't been molested. _She_ had molested someone else. Not just anyone but Glinda. Her best friend. She had molested her best friend. She thought she was going to vomit.

The man led Elphaba's hand towards him. Made her touch his membrane. He forced her to stroke him. Slowly, surely. She closed her eyes against the sight.

"Suck it," he ordered.

Elphaba shook her head. "No," she whispered, the very thought made her gag.

"Suck it!"

"I… I can't."

He let her hand go, shoved her away. She sprawled backwards, her eyes opening in sudden panic. Elphaba watched in horror as he mounted Glinda, made to enter her. The blonde screamed, shuffling backwards, trying to get away. One of the other men grabbed the blonde's shoulders. Forced her still. Elphaba tried to move, tried to come to her friend's rescue, but a knife was suddenly pressed against her neck. Forcing her still.

The young man repositioned himself. Paused to look over at Elphaba. "I'm going to enjoy this," he said.

Neither Elphaba nor Glinda could ever explain what happened next. For Glinda, all she could see was black. For Elphaba, all she could see was white. But what happened when they could not see anything but the one solid colour was unknown to them. All they knew was that somehow Elphaba's magick had once again come to the rescue.

When they could both see past the one colour that had assaulted their vision the three men that were with them, tormenting them, were now unconscious – sprawled in opposite corners of the room. The two friends just looked around the room in complete silence. Glinda tried to make eye contact with Elphaba but the green girl still refused to even look in the general direction of the blonde.

One of the men groaned and flinched a little. The action sent Elphaba flying in to motion. She was standing in a moment and in mere seconds she had collected all of their discarded clothing. She grabbed Glinda's hand, still refusing to look her friend in the eyes, and yanked her up.

"We need to get out of her," Elphaba forced out over the lump in her throat.

"El–"

"No names! We cannot let them hear what our names are!" Elphaba was at the door now. She yanked it open, dragging Glinda behind her. "Stay quiet and follow me."

"Please…" Glinda's voice was weak, she was crying.

"Shut-up!"

They both fell silent. Glinda stared at the ground, content to let Elphaba find their way out of this disgusting place and get them to safety. They ran as fast as they could. Stumbling over stairs and tripping over any debris they didn't see in the near darkness.

And then they were outside. Glinda stopped suddenly at the coldness of the night but Elphaba pulled her along again. They continued to run for what, to the blonde, seemed like hours. Finally Elphaba deemed it safe for them to stop and the green girl literally collapsed to her knees.

Elphaba vomited. And once her stomach was expelled of its contents she started to dry heave. Glinda kneeled down beside her friend. Tried to lay a supporting hand on her back but Elphaba jerked away from the touch. Glinda sighed. The dry heaves lasted for almost twenty minutes before finally stopping.

"El–"

"Don't talk to me!" Elphaba's words were short with anger and shame. "I… I don't deserve it."

"Please…" Glinda wiped away her own tears with the back of her hand but it was useless because more just replaced them. "Why… why won't you look at me?"

A sharp intake of breath could be heard from Elphaba. The green girl closed her eyes briefly, trying to calm herself, before opening them again and slowly turning to look at her friend. They made eye contact for the first time since this terrible incident had begun.

"Be… because of what… what I did to you." Elphaba looked away as soon as the whispered words had left her mouth. "I… I'm so sorry!" She was becoming hysterical now. "Dear Oz! I never… Glinda… please… I'm so sorry! I just… I didn't want him to… to rape you but I… I didn't know what else I could do. I never meant… dear Oz… Glinda please… I'm just… I'm just so sorry!"

Glinda grabbed Elphaba's hand, squeezed it gently. "Thank you," she whispered. The words cut through Elphaba's retching sobs and the green girl looked up in shock at the blonde's words.

"For… for what? I… I hurt you! I'm… I'm a sick monster! I'm not better than… than my father! No better than Avaric! I'm just… a… a fucking whore! No…" She forcefully, frantically, shook her head. "I'm worse than a whore! I… I touched you Glinda! I hurt you! I'm a… a _monster_!"

"You stopped him from raping me," Glinda whispered. Her own tears were choking her throat at the memory of the terror she had felt; the overwhelming fear. "You stopped him even though it hurt you to do what you did. I… I know that wasn't easy for you. I know it hurt you to let him do what he did. To let him make you… make you touch me like that. But you… you saved me from getting raped." Glinda sniffled, took in a deep breath. "Thank you."

Elphaba shivered. The wind teased her hair and she suddenly realized that they were both still naked. She looked at the clothes still clutched tightly in her hand. Slowly, effectively, she separated Glinda's from her own and handed the blonde her clothes.

They got dressed in an eerie silence that was broken only by the rustling of their clothes and the sound of their own barely suppressed sobs. Elphaba was the first to clothe herself and she stood in silence, her arms wrapped protectively around herself. She still felt naked even with her dress on. But then, she also no longer had any undergarments on. They had been ripped off of her before they had even entered the room and she hadn't bothered to look for them when they had escaped. She doubted they were even useful now – they were probably torn beyond repair.

"A café or something like that might still be opened," Elphaba muttered. "Though I don't have any money left on me." The green girl reached behind, waited for Glinda to grab her offered hand. When the blonde did Elphaba pulled her close and together they started walking again.

"We should go back to the University," Glinda whispered. "Shouldn't we?"

"No carriages run this late," Elphaba said as she tried to navigate a way out of the back alleyways they were in. "We're stuck here until morning."

They stepped out of the alley and in to the main street. Neither of them knew what time it was but they didn't quite care. They had spotted a café opened across the street and they quickly ducked in to it. They found a booth in the far corner and sat down.

An older waitress came over, looked the two of them over, and frowned. "It's nearly one in the morning," she said. "Whatever in the Unnamed God's name are two young ladies such as yourself doing out still?"

Glinda had detangled herself from Elphaba and now sat beside the window, her legs curled up underneath of her. Elphaba sighed and looked up at the waitress. "We got tangled up in some… stuff," she replied quietly, quickly looking down to stare at her hands atop of the table. "Something way above our heads. We attend Shiz University so there's no way for us to get back until morning. We're… we're stuck here."

The waitress smiled softly, knowingly. "Tonight's drinks will be on the house," she said warmly. "Any requests?"

Elphaba looked over at her blonde friend but Glinda was staring out the window, not paying attention to what was going on around her. "A coffee for my friend," Elphaba said as she desperately choked back her sobs. "And just a warmed milk for me please."

The waitress nodded and turned to leave. "Wait," Elphaba said and the waitress looked back over her shoulder. Elphaba smiled. "Thank you," she whispered. "For the free drinks."

The waitress just nodded slightly before leaving and Elphaba could sense that she knew. _How could she not? _Elphaba thought to herself as she stared at her hands on the table. _Why else would we be out this late as haggard looking as we are_.

"Elphie…" Glinda's voice was meek, exhausted. "Elphie… do you… do you still feel… naked?"

The green girl reached her arm out and Glinda took her hand. She pulled the blonde in to a tight embrace. Glinda buried her head in Elphaba's chest and cried. Wracking sobs that shook her whole body and tears that came in such a force that they soaked Elphaba's dress in mere minutes. The green girl tensed at the feeling of burning skin beneath the cloth but she ignored the pain and simply held her friend close.

"The feeling will dull with time," Elphaba whispered once Glinda had regained some control over her emotions. "Trust me."

"I feel selfish."

Elphaba frowned, resting her chin on the top of Glinda's head. "Whatever for?"

"A part of me is… is glad you've been through… through this before. Because I know that… that you understand what I… I feel."

Elphaba hugged the blonde even tighter. "Don't worry about me," she whispered. "I've been through this pain and come out of it many times already. It's not easy but it can be done. Don't worry about me, I'll heal in time. Just… just let me worry about you, okay?"

"Don't say that," Glinda muttered. "Don't… don't ignore yourself just to help me. We'll heal to… together or not at all, deal?"

A pause in the conversation. Elphaba took a deep breath. "I need you to answer this honesty Glinda," Elphaba whispered, her voice trembling with the effort of trying not to cry. "Can you promise me you'll do that?"

Glinda nodded, the movement hampered by Elphaba's chest. "I promise."

"Do you… do you hate me for… for what I did? For… for how I touch… touched you? Do you… hate me for hurt… hurting you?"

"No." Glinda's voice was choked and broken by her sobs. "I… I'm thankful that you… you prevented him from… from… raping me."

"You don't hate me at all? Not… not even a tiny bit? You're not… disgusted by what I did?" Elphaba was shocked. She couldn't understand how Glinda could so easily forgive her for what she had did. She couldn't understand how Glinda could so easily look passed what that man had forced her to do. She just… she just couldn't understand.

"You're not a monster." Glinda pulled herself away from Elphaba's grasp and made eye contact with the green girl who was desperately trying to not cry for the blonde's sake. "You saved me from unspeakable horrors," Glinda whispered. "I owe you more than I could ever repay."

Elphaba smiled. The smile did not reach her grief-filled, guilt-ridden eyes but it was still a smile. A small beacon of light in the terrifying darkness that they were suffering through.

"You're forgiveness…" Elphaba said as a single tear traced a path down her face, burning her green skin. "… is all the repayment I need."


	64. Of Truth And Shame

"_You're forgiveness…" Elphaba said as a single tear traced a path down her face, burning her green skin. "… is all the repayment I need."_

--

**Chapter Sixty-Four: Of Truth and Shame**

They had slept overnight in the café on the good grace and charity of the owner. The booths had not been entirely comfortable but the roof over their heads had been welcomed – especially since it ended up raining later on in the night.

They took the earliest carriage to the University and had arrived at the gates of Shiz just as Fiyero was readying to leave in search of them. When he saw them the joy in his face almost stole the pain they were both feeling right out of them. Almost.

He knew something was wrong as soon as he laid eyes on them.

"We're going to our room," Elphaba said as she held Glinda close to her. "Does Morrible know we didn't come back last night?"

Fiyero shrugged. "I have no idea. If she does she never mentioned it. But… what happened Elphaba? Something happened, something bad. What was it?"

"A story best told in private now shut-up and follow."

"Stop saying that Elphie," Glinda muttered as she shrunk even further in to Elphaba's protective hold. "Stop telling people to shut-up. They're only trying to help."

"Sorry," Elphaba muttered before falling silent. It was still incredibly early in the morning and most of the students, if not all, were still sleeping. As a result the three of them managed to get to Elphaba and Glinda's shared room without running in to anyone.

Elphaba stared at the door for a few long minutes. "Damnit!" she spat out suddenly. Both Fiyero and Glinda looked at her quizzically.

"What?" Fiyero asked, trying to keep his voice calm and quiet even though his mind was working frantically to try and figure out what had happened.

"I have no key," Elphaba muttered. "Glinda?"

The blonde slowly shook her head. "I lost mine along the way."

The two girls looked over at Fiyero. The Vinkus prince shrugged. "I have no key," he said. "This isn't even my room."

Elphaba closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and detangled herself from Glinda. The blonde automatically attached herself to Fiyero as she found herself feeling exposed… naked… if someone wasn't holding her.

A green fist was suddenly thrust through the door, just above the lock. Fiyero and Glinda both jumped slightly at the sound of the wood splitting and breaking. In a swift movement Elphaba twisted her hand around, unlocked the door from inside, pulled her hand out, and opened the door. She entered, leaving Fiyero and Glinda with no choice but to follow.

"You really should stop punching holes in your room Elphaba," Fiyero said as he sat down on Glinda's bed. The blonde had latched on to his shirt, seemingly paralyzed with fear if she wasn't holding on to someone.

Elphaba let out a low, throaty noise before grabbing a change of clothes from the dresser and disappearing in to the bathroom. She came out a few minutes later with her change of clothing on and smelling like poppies. She had cleaned herself with her oils.

"You should take a shower Glinda," Elphaba said. "It will help you feel better to clean-up."

The blonde nodded, reaching out for Elphaba's hand. The green girl grasped it and slowly led Glinda to the bathroom. "If you need anything just call us" Elphaba said. "Depending on what it is either I will come, or if I cannot because of the water, then Fiyero will come, okay?"

Glinda nodded. She seemed to be in a daze now, shocked almost. She had cried for almost the whole night, falling asleep only a few hours before they had left to return to Shiz. She was emotionally drained and Elphaba knew that. "I'll tell Fiyero what happened so you won't have to. Is that okay with you?"

Glinda nodded again and Elphaba was unsure if the blonde was evening registering what was being told to her. Glinda stepped in to the bathtub and Elphaba helped to undress her, tossing her clothes to the side. The green girl pulled the shower curtain closed and then grabbed some towels from a drawer and placed them within reach of Glinda. She heard the water beginning to run just as she shut the bathroom door behind her.

Elphaba collapsed to the floor. Without Glinda to be strong for and now on her hands she lost all of her self-control. She began to dry heave as sobs stole her breath and tears flowed freely from her shut eyes. Fiyero was at her side in a second. Tried to touch her but she pulled away from him. He held her hand instead, whispered nonsense in to her ear to try and calm her down.

It didn't work.

She felt disgusting. Dirty. A monster. It didn't matter how many times Glinda told her that she was not angry Elphaba could not forgive herself for what she had done. She had, in her own mind, become no different than the men who had so often tormented her. She was trying to be strong, trying to brave, trying to focus only on helping Glinda. But she couldn't even stand to look at the blonde knowing what she had done to her.

"Elphaba… please…" Fiyero helped the green girl stand, trying to lead her towards her bed. She stumbled, too distraught to walk properly. Eventually he got her there and sat her down. "What happened?" Fiyero asked, rubbing Elphaba's back in soothing circles. "Please… tell me."

"I shouldn't have… shouldn't have gone with her. He… he noticed her because of me. Because of… of my green skin."

"Who? Who noticed her?"

"And then… then I left her alone. If… if I had just stayed at the salon with her… if I… hadn't gone with the others to the… the café… none of this… it wouldn't have happened."

"Elphaba… what in Oz are you talking about? What happened? Who noticed you two?" Fiyero was concerned, terrified. He had a sinking feeling that he knew what had occurred but he refused to believe his gut feeling until it was proven true by Elphaba.

"Glinda she… she was… taken. I… I wasn't with her so I don't know how. But… if I had been there she wouldn't have… wouldn't have been taken."

"Who took her?"

"There were these… these _men_." Her voice was getting louder as she let her anger overtake all her other emotions. "And… I heard them… when I was… looking for her. They were talking about… about selling her. Like she was just some… some object!"

Fiyero took Elphaba in his arms. Hugged her close. "This wasn't your fault."

Elphaba ignored him, plowed on with her story. "They… they found me in the shadows. Took me too. They realized that… that we were friends. We were… sold… to this young man. He must own a… a house or something for… for the pleasure of men. Something… something _sick_ like that!"

"What did they make you two do?" Fiyero's voice was soft, quiet. He was desperately trying to understand what had happened but he didn't want to force the story out of Elphaba if she wasn't ready to talk yet.

"He said that… that if we didn't do what… what he told… what he… _ordered_… us to do then he would… hurt the other one. So if… if I didn't do what he said he'd hurt… hurt Glinda and if she didn't… well… he'd hurt me."

"What did you do?"

Elphaba closed her eyes, rested her head on Fiyero's shoulder. "Please… Fiyero… you have to… to understand. If I… if I hadn't done it he… he… he would have… raped her. I… I couldn't let that… that happen."

"What did you have to do?" Fiyero swore his heart had jumped all the way in to his throat.

"He… he made me… made me…" Her words trailed off as her tears stole her voice from her. She shrunk further in to Fiyero's comforting arms. "I… he… I had to… to…" Her voice was incredibly quiet, Fiyero could barely hear her. She swallowed around the lump in her throat. "I had… to… touch her."

Fiyero gasped in horror and shot up to a standing position in an attempt to distance himself from Elphaba. "You… you _what_!" He screamed at her. "How could you? How could you even consider doing something… something like that!"

"Fiyero… please…" Elphaba dropped her eyes to the floor, wrapping her arms around herself in a pitiful attempt at protection. "It was… I… I had to. If… if I didn't he… he would have… _raped_ her. I… I couldn't let that happen!"

"So instead you… you molested her!" Fiyero couldn't believe what he was hearing. He hadn't prepared himself for this at all. Rape he would have been able to deal with, to accept. But… but this confession had shocked him. He was furious at what Elphaba had done and he found himself unable to control his anger even though, deep down, he knew that she had been forced in to this course of action. He knew that this was not Elphaba's fault but he couldn't stop the fury building up inside of himself.

"I… I had no choice." Her voice was weak and choked. Her tears burnt her skin but she barely even noticed. "Fiyero… please… you… you weren't there."

"You molested your best friend!" Fiyero's face was turning red in his anger. "What kind of… of _sick_ person are you!"

"Fiy–"

"You… you broke her trust! You… _abused_ her! You're… you're no different then… then all the men who've hurt you! You're just a… _monster_ like they are!"

Elphaba fell completely silent and her face paled dangerously. She brought her legs up to her chest and hugged them there. She had dared to hope that her own disgusting thoughts towards herself had been wrong… that she was mistaken. But Fiyero had just proven to her that what she had did was the action of a monster.

Unbeknownst to Fiyero the words he had spoken in anger, not in truth, had just scarred Elphaba's heart far more than anything else had ever done. The green girl no longer felt like a pathetic, useless victim. She felt like a horrible, disgusting monster. She no longer despised her dirty, used body. She despised her tainted, broken soul.

"I… I'm sorry."

Fiyero eyes widened in shock. "You're apologizing to me?" he asked, his voice loud in anger and disgust. "You should be apologizing to Glinda! She's the one you… you _molested_!"

"I did." Elphaba could barely stand the suffocating anger emitting from Fiyero and her own shame that was swallowing her. "She… thanked me."

"She _what_?"

"Thanked me." Elphaba finally looked at Fiyero and he saw, for the first time, the guilt and shame that coloured her eyes. "For… for doing what I did…" Elphaba dropped her gaze to the floor again, unable to look at anyone else. "For… preventing him from… raping her."

The brief look in to Elphaba's eyes had caused Fiyero's rage to disappeared, replaced by grief and pity. "Dear Oz," he whispered in horror directed only at himself as he finally realized what hurtful words he had been saying. He buried his head in his hands in despair and regret. "Elphaba… please… I didn't mean what I said." His voice was muffled, choked.

"It's true."

"No… no it's not." Fiyero sat down beside Elphaba but the green girl shrunk away from him. He sighed. "I was angry, shocked. Look… I'm sorry. Elphaba please… don't take my words to heart. They didn't mean anything. I just… I didn't know how else to react."

"The truth is spoken most when you cannot control your emotions." Elphaba buried her face in to her knees and her shoulders shook from the force of her tears. Fiyero tried to hold her hand but Elphaba jerked away from him. "Don't touch me!" she hissed. "Just… just don't touch me."

Fiyero opened his mouth but he never got the chance to speak the words swimming in his head. A loud crash echoed from the bathroom and Elphaba was standing in a second. By the time the green girl had managed to stumble her way to the bathroom door Fiyero had just realized what had happened and began to make his way to where Elphaba stood.

The bathroom door flew open and Elphaba let out a gasp of horror. "Glinda!" She lunged forward, grabbing a pale wrist in her green hand and wrestling a piece of broken mirror out of Glinda's hand. "What are you doing!" Elphaba screamed as she tried to avoid the shattered mirror that now covered the bathroom vanity and floor.

Fiyero appeared in the door and let out a heavy sigh. "You two really have to stop breaking things," he muttered as he saw the broken mirror. It seemed to be that Glinda had thrown something, a bottle of bath oils maybe, at the mirror to break it.

"You… you…" Elphaba dropped the piece of mirror she had taken from Glinda and stumbled backwards. Her eyes were staring at Glinda's inner wrist, where a shallow but long cut marred the otherwise perfect skin. "You… _cut_ yourself."

In all her life Elphaba had always avoiding the actual name of the act. To her it had always been _harming_ yourself, _hurting_ yourself. Never had she ever thought of the act, or named the act, as _cutting_ yourself. It was too real, too strong, when referred to with such a biting, final word. But as she stared at what Glinda had done she realized the horrible truth of the act and how the blonde had come to do it based solely on what she had seen Elphaba do.

Another event to add to Elphaba's guilt. Another horror of life that Glinda would never have experience had she not known the green Thropp girl.

Glinda adverted her eyes to the ground. "I… I thought that… well… you do it!" She laid angry eyes at Elphaba. "What gives you the right to judge me when you're the one who first introduced me to harming one's self!"

Elphaba took a shaking step back. "No…" Her voice was trembling, her eyes wide. "No… Glinda you… you cannot start this. You… don't understand. Once you… once you start it's nearly impossible to… to stop. I… you… I cannot let you do this!"

"Oh, shove it Elphie!" Glinda was furious, using her anger to mask the pain she felt. "I can see why you've done it your whole life! It does make a person feel better, doesn't it? But you must know that already! Just like you know all about me now don't you! Or at least, what I _feel_ like!"

Something snapped inside of Elphaba. The last thread of self-control that the green girl had was torn from her. She fell to her knees, tangling her hair in clumps beneath her hands, and screamed. A wail that seemed to go on forever. A choking sound full of despair and guilt and a terrible sense of disgusting shame. The sound was inhuman; more like what a wounded animal would scream than what any human in their right mind would yell.

Then as soon as it had begun it was over. Elphaba dropped her hands from her hair and slumped against the bathroom vanity. She closed her eyes and focused on just breathing. Everything around her seemed to have dulled. Sounds seemed distant, lost, and her whole body was shaking violently. She could taste bile in the back of her throat but she swallowed it away.

The scream had not given Elphaba the relief she had hoped it would.

Someone touched her hand but she jerked away from it. Someone – perhaps the same person, perhaps not – laid a hand on her back but, again, Elphaba jerked away from the touch. "Don't," she muttered. "Don't touch me."

"Elphie," Glinda whispered as she kneeled down in front of her emotionally destroyed green friend. "Elphie… I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. Please… I'm just–"

"Don't apologize for the truth!" Elphaba spat out, snapping her eyes opened. She jerked backwards as she found herself very near to the naked, still semi-wet blonde. For a brief moment Elphaba was forced back in to the memory of what she had so recently been forced to do to that naked body and the bile she had so recently swallowed back escaped her. She twisted around on to her hands and knees and expelled whatever bile and stomach juices still remained inside of her.

"El–"

"I'm a monster!" Elphaba spat out, interrupting Glinda. "I'm just a sick, twisted human being!"

"Elphie… you're no–"

"Don't lie!" Elphaba stood up, pushed Glinda away from her. "You tell me… you _thank_ me for what I did! You go on and on about how you're so happy that I stopped him from raping you and then you… you say shit like you just did! You're not thankful for what I did! You're not happy that I saved you! I'm not an idiot! You think I'm just a disgusting monster! I don't blame you… how could you not? I'm not a victim of anything anymore! I'm just… just a _vile perpetrator_!"

"Elphie…"

Elphaba grabbed Glinda's wrist, traced a green finger across the cut that now marred the pale skin – smearing the blonde's blood. "Don't start harming yourself," she said, her voice suddenly soft and broken. "It's like a drug… soon you won't be able to stop! Just… just don't start or else you'll end up like me!" Elphaba let go of Glinda's wrist, took a step back. "You'll find yourself carving words in to your skin because you can't stand the sight of yourself in the mirror anymore! And… and…" Elphaba's voice fell to a whisper. "And you… deserve far more than that. You deserve more than a scarred body. You… deserve more than me and this pitiful friendship."

Fiyero tried to grab Elphaba's hand but she pulled away from his grasp. Even the very basic of human contact sent shivers up the green girl's spine now. She no longer believed herself worthy of any touch from any person. Except, perhaps, a touch meant to bring hurt and pain.

"Elphie…" Tears were pouring down Glinda's face now. "Elphie… don't talk about yourself like that. You're not a monster and you're not vile or disgusting or anything like that! And your friendship isn't pitiful or useless! I'm sorry for what I said! I'm just… I'm just… it's hard after what happened. And I said that in anger but I wasn't really angry. It's just… the anger just kind of comes out to… mask everything else. You must now how that feels!"

Elphaba closed her eyes and grabbed a hold of the vanity's counter to keep herself steady. "Yes," she whispered. "Yes… I… I know how that feels."

"I'm afraid Elphie," Glinda whispered, her voice choked and broken. "I'm afraid that… that we won't be able to work passed this. I'm afraid of losing this… this friendship because of what happened."

Elphaba opened her eyes to find that Glinda had now wrapped a towel around herself, shielding her nakedness from Elphaba. The green girl gripped the counter harder, her emotions very nearly bringing her to her knees.

"That… that's not going to happen Glinda." Elphaba's broken voice matched Glinda's. "Be… because if that happens then… then that means that… that _he_ won and I'm… I'm not going to let that happen." Elphaba could no longer stay standing against the wave of grief and shame – and a strange sense of strength – that was coursing through her. She fell to her knees as sobs shook her body.

Fiyero and Glinda both kneeled down beside her. Each took a green hand in their own and Elphaba, finally, did not shrink away from their touch.

"No one," Elphaba choked out, her voice full of despair but yet coursing with strength at the same time. "No one is going to… _ever_… have that kind of… of control over me again!"


	65. The Sisters

**_Author's Note: _**_The next series of chapters (at least ten at this point, with more possibly coming) are very short (anywhere between 200 to 600 words) and occur immediately after the incident that Elphaba and Glinda endured together (the initial few days, up to a week or two, following the "The Room" chapter). They are nothing more then short glimpses in to the reactions and/or healing of Glinda and Elphaba (and Fiyero at some points) as they try to come to terms with, and recover from, what happened to them. So don't expect any huge chapters for a while. And, because they are so short, I'll probably be uploading 2 to 3 a day. _

--

"_No one," Elphaba choked out, her voice full of despair but yet coursing with strength at the same time. "No one is going to… _ever_… have that kind of… of control over me again!"_

--

**Chapter Sixty-Five: The Sisters**

"Elphaba?" Nessa's voice was quiet, confused. "Whatever are you doing here? And… my Oz you look terrible! What has happened?"

Elphaba dropped her gaze to the floor, wrapped her arms around herself protectively. "How much do you know?"

"Just that you and Glinda didn't come back last night. What happened?" Nessa wheeled herself backwards, giving room for Elphaba to enter her dorm.

The oldest Thropp nervously stepped in to the threshold of Nessa's room. She had never been in it before and it was much more separate from Morrible's adjoining room then she thought it would be. "I've come to realize that Oz is much darker of a world then I ever imagined it could be."

Nessa frowned as she watched her sister sit, somewhat uncomfortable, on her bed. "Whatever are you talking about?"

"I thought that my life would change when we came here Nessie. But… but it seems that the world will forever look down on me."

Nessa wheeled herself closer to her sister, took a green hand in her own and squeezed it gently. "I do not know if you want to talk about it, whatever _it _is, or not but I _am _here for you. After all, you are still my sister."

"You'd be disgusted at what I've done," Elphaba whispered, closing her eyes against her tears.

"Does it go against the Unnamed God's words?"

Elphaba nodded. "In more ways than just one."

"Then do not tell me."

Elphaba opened her eyes and looked up at her sister in confusion. "What?"

"If you do not tell me then I cannot get angry at you for whatever it is that you have deemed so disgusting." Nessa smiled softly and held out her arms. Elphaba knew what such an action meant and she stood up, took Nessa in her arms, and set her handicapped sister down beside her on the bed.

Elphaba wrapped an arm around Nessa's shoulder and the youngest Thropp sister rested her head on her green sister's shoulder. "Sing me a song," Nessa whispered.

Elphaba stiffened and looked down at her sister. "What?"

"I have not heard you sing in forever." Nessa closed her eyes, knowing that her request was more to calm her sister down then to calm herself down. "Please… will you sing me a song?"

Elphaba hugged her sister closer to her and closed her own eyes. "I would be honoured to," she whispered as a ghost of a smile teased her mouth.


	66. The Green Hands

_Elphaba hugged her sister closer to her and closed her own eyes. "I would be honoured to," she whispered as a ghost of a smile teased her mouth._

--

**Chapter Sixty-Six: The Green Hands**

Glinda awoke to the sound of the tap running in the bathroom. It was her and Elphaba's first night in their dorm room since their harrowing experience together and Glinda was struck with a painful stab of fear. She got out of her bed, wiping the sleep from her eyes, and slowly made her way to the bathroom. She pushed the door open to find Elphaba scrubbing her hands beneath the water pouring out of the tap.

"Elphie?" Glinda asked softly as she walked to her friend's side.

"They're dirty," Elphaba whispered, seemingly detached from reality and the pain that the water should have been causing her. "They… they smell like… like you."

Glinda nodded knowingly and looked down at Elphaba's hands. The water was running red with the green girl's blood. "It's okay Elphie," Glinda whispered as she shut the water off. "They're clean now."

"No… no they're not." Elphaba's voice was trembling. "I can… I can still smell it. I can still… _feel_ it."

Glinda grabbed a nearby towel and gently patted a green hand dry, then the other. The towel became red with the blood that stained it. "They're clean Elphie. You cleaned them really well."

"Are… are you sure?"

Glinda nodded, grabbing a bottle of Elphaba's oil and slowly rubbing it on to the green hands. The skin was burnt horribly. In some parts Glinda swore she could see the faint whiteness of tissue and the brown colour of muscle from where Elphaba had rubbed the burnt skin completely off. "See…" Glinda said, holding a green hand up to Elphaba's face. "They smell like poppies now, don't you think?"

Elphaba closed her eyes, sniffed her hand, and nodded slowly. "Yes," she whispered.

Glinda placed the green hands on top of the towel spread out on the vanity counter. She grabbed the first aid kit from the drawer and took the bandages out of it. Slowly, carefully, she wrapped each hand in the white gauze. The blood stained the gauze but just barely.

"Do they hurt?" Glinda asked.

Elphaba shook her head. "No… they're… they're clean now. That's all I wanted."

"Yes Elphie, they're clean. Now promise me you won't do this again, okay?"

Elphaba nodded. "I… I promise."

Glinda smiled. "Good. Now let's go back to bed." She gently took Elphaba by the wrist and led the dazed and not-fully conscious green girl to her bed. "Are you going to be okay?" Glinda asked, suddenly finding herself struggling to speak around the lump in her throat.

Elphaba nodded and laid down. Glinda pulled the bedding over the exhausted green girl and smiled softly down at her. "Pleasant dreams," Glinda murmured but Elphaba made no response. Her eyes had fluttered closed almost as soon as her head had hit her pillow.

Glinda crawled in to her own bed and was just about to close her eyes when she heard shuffling coming from Elphaba's side of the room. "Elphie?" she questioned.

"Thank you," came the muffled reply. "For… for stopping me."

Glinda smiled as it seemed that her friend was coming back to her senses. "You're welcome," the blonde replied. "Pleasant dreams Elphie."

"Pleasant dreams to you too," Elphaba replied.

Though both young women fell asleep in mere moments neither one of them had any dream that could be called pleasant. What they saw in their sleeping minds was nothing _but _the terrified situation that they had experienced together.

It seemed that the two of them would now forever be connected by the shared terror and pain that so haunted them.


	67. The Touch

_It seemed that the two of them would now forever be connected by the shared terror and pain that so haunted them._

--

**Chapter Sixty-Seven: The Touch  
**

Elphaba woke up to a sudden scream. She rolled over in her bed to lay eyes on her roommate. Glinda was sitting up, her bedding tangled around her feet and spilling on to the floor. The blonde was breathing heavily and tears were slowly tracing thin paths down her strangely pale face.

Elphaba spoke no words. She simply stood up and made her way to the blonde's bed. She sat down beside Glinda and took a pale hand in her own. She carefully pushed the blonde back down on the bed and laid down beside her, pulling the bedding back up to cover them.

Glinda clutched on to Elphaba's nightgown and sniffled in to her chest. Elphaba wrapped her arms around the blonde and hugged her close.

For Glinda the touch of Elphaba was comforting and made her feel entirely safe. For Elphaba the feeling of Glinda so close to her dragged up painful memories of what she had been forced to do to the pale body she held. But Elphaba closed her eyes and fought against the terrifying panic and overwhelming shame coursing through her because she knew that, after all the pain she had caused Glinda, her feelings were disposable against the comfort and care the blonde so desperately needed.


	68. Of Whiskey And Familiarity

**_Author's Warning: _**_Avaric… again. shrug Sorry but he just keeps worming his way in to Elphaba's life. I can't stop him!_

--

_But Elphaba closed her eyes and fought against the terrifying panic and overwhelming shame coursing through her because she knew that, after all the pain she had caused Glinda, her feelings were disposable against the comfort and care the blonde so desperately needed._

--

**Chapter Sixty-Eight: Of Whiskey and Familiarity **

She had told Glinda she was going to go straight to Life Sciences. That she would meet Fiyero there and not to worry about her at all. Glinda had foolishly trusted her.

Elphaba knew she had been lying as she spoke those words. The guilt that had settled in the pit of her stomach was slowly being washed away by the whiskey bottle clutched in her hand. She was drunk. Completely, utterly, totally drunk. There was no way that she would be able to protect herself should something happen.

That's what she had planned for.

She knew that what she was about to do was irrational. She knew that what she was about to do, what she was about to beg for, would do nothing but bring her further pain. She couldn't help herself though… she needed those few brief moments of terrible physical pain to mask her emotional torment.

Fiyero and Glinda had ripped away her ability to harm herself – to find release – so now she was searching for another way to cause herself pain. And it was that search that had led her, shamefully, to where she was now.

The door to the dorm room she was sitting in was suddenly opened. She looked up from her lap to meet eyes with the man who had entered. He froze, staring at her on his bed and then at the bottle she held in her hand.

"What are you doing in my room?" he asked as he slowly closed the door behind himself and locked it.

"Hurd me," she muttered, her words slurred and her vision blurry. "Bead me, rape me. I dond care. Jusd do someding. Hurd me."

"Why?" he questioned as he walked closer to the inebriated Elphaba. "Why should I hurt you when you've attacked me before? How can I be sure that you won't lash out at me again?"

"I… I am disgusding. I am a… slud… a whore. I done dirdy, unfogivable thinds. Pleade… hurd me."

He smiled as he grabbed her dress, ripped it off of her. "It would by my pleasure," he whispered, a hint of lust in his voice.

The whiskey bottle smashed against the floor as Avaric mounted Elphaba and stripped her away of all the dignity and confidence she had uncertainly built up around herself.


	69. To Be Marked

_The whiskey bottle smashed against the floor as Avaric mounted Elphaba and stripped her away of all the dignity and confidence she had uncertainly built up around herself._

--

**Chapter Sixty-Nine: To Be Marked**

Boq found Elphaba stumbling down the halls of the boy's dormitory. She was walking only because of the help the walls provided for her – otherwise she would have collapsed to a heap on the floor a long time ago. Blood was staining her legs, pouring on to the floor and leave a red, sticky trail behind her green form.

Boq was surprised at how light Elphaba was when he picked her up. She was drunk to the point that she could not even recognize who was carrying her or what his name was. The Munchkin knew that he did not have the resources or the ability to care for Elphaba in her present state so he set out to find someone who did. As he passed Fiyero's dorm door he knocked lightly and let out a small breath of relief when the door flew open.

It took a moment before Fiyero could move passed his shock at the limp, bleeding form of Elphaba in Boq's arms. "What happened?" he all but screamed at Boq and the suddenly terrified Munchkin whimpered in response.

The Vinkus prince frowned and took the now nearly-passed out Elphaba from Boq's arms and laid her down on his bed. "Go get Glinda!" he ordered Boq.

"Where would she be?" Boq asked, hesitant to leave Elphaba's side.

"Either the cafeteria or her room. Possibly the courtyard outside the main building," Fiyero said distractedly as he gently shook Elphaba's shoulder. "Just go get her!"

Boq nodded quickly before turning around and disappearing from sight. Fiyero sighed and continued shaking Elphaba's shoulder. "Can you hear me?" he asked.

Elphaba moaned in response and the eyes she didn't remember closing fluttered open. "It… it hurds," she muttered, clearly still drunk.

"What happened?" Fiyero questioned as he looked down Elphaba's body to see the blood that poured from her at a far-too-frantic pace for his liking.

"Knife," Elphaba muttered, letting her eyes close again.

Fiyero suddenly had to swallow around the lump in his throat to find his voice. "Did… did you hurt yourself?" he asked tentatively, afraid of the answer he would get.

"No," she mumbled, trying to hug her knees to her chest but Fiyero prevented her from doing that.

"Then what happened?"

"A… Avarid."

Fiyero's eyes flew up to stare at Elphaba's face, distorted in to a grimace of pain. "What? Did he drug you?" Fiyero was horrified. He couldn't believe this had happened, again. He couldn't believe that he had failed to protect Elphaba, again.

"No." Elphaba's voice was quiet as she tried to remember what had happened. "I… I god mydelf drund. I… wend to hid… hid room."

"You _what_?" Fiyero was beyond horrified. Now he had reached a level of concern and horror that he didn't even know existed. "Why would you go to him? Especially drunk!"

"I dederved id," she mumbled out, her body going tense in shame and disgust. "Afder… whad I did do… do Ginda. I… dederved hid tormend…" Her voice trailed off as she tried to block out what had happened – what she had let happen.

"Dear Oz," Fiyero muttered. "Elphaba… why?"

"Whore." The word was impossibly loud in the small room and impossibly clear for such a drunk person. "Whore," she said again. "He… he finadly marded me ad… as a true whore."

Fiyero's eyes widened in horror as he felt a sinking, disgusting feeling develop in the pit of his stomach. He slowly pulled up Elphaba's dress – she didn't resist him – to find her undergarment was gone. He also found the source of the copious amount of blood that was finally beginning to clot.

A knife wound, deep and thick, traced a line from just below her belly button – cutting through the horrible word that Elphaba had scarred herself with – all the way down to her womanhood. Fiyero didn't dare look further but he knew, he didn't know how – he just did, that the knife had gone all the way in to her. Cutting her. Scarring her. _Marking_ her. And causing damage that would be irreparable.

"I'm going to _kill_ him." Fiyero's voice was low with a rage he had never before felt in his life. "I am going to fucking bash his skull in."

"Dond… dond sink down do… to hid level."

"Sink down to his level?" Fiyero pulled the green girl's dress back down and looked up at her face. "A person couldn't _ever_ sink low enough to get to his level! For Oz's sake look at what he did to you!"

"I dederved it." Elphaba opened her eyes, stared at Fiyero. "I dederved do be… tainted, used. I dederved do be… stained by him. Id's all I… I'm good for. I mighd as well let someone… anyone… find pleadure through me."

"Don't say that Elphaba." Fiyero was shocked, horrified, by the emptiness that was in Elphaba's eyes; by the complete lack of life that she held within her now. "Don't… after all that's happened. After all you've done and all you've come through. Don't… don't through it all away."

"I have been thrown away." She spoke slowly, focusing on not slurring her words as she began to sober. "I mighd… might as well toss my life away wid all thad remains of my body."

"Dear Oz Elphaba… dear Oz." He scooped her up in his arms, cradling her thin body against him. "How could this have happened?" he mumbled in to her hair. "How could I have allowed this?"

"You didn't," Elphaba said, her voice weak and devoid of any true feeling. "I did."


	70. Of Selfishness And Honesty

"_You didn't," Elphaba said, her voice weak and devoid of any true feeling. "I did."_

--

**Chapter Seventy: Of Selfishness and Honesty**

"How could you leave her alone!"

Glinda flinched at the anger in Fiyero's voice. She closed the door behind her and turned to face her boyfriend. However, the retort that she had planned to say was left unsaid as she laid eyes on the sleeping – or perhaps passed-out – form of Elphaba in Fiyero's bed. "What… what happened?" she asked, her voice trembling.

"Avaric had some fun with her!" Fiyero snapped out. "And he shoved a knife in to her too! You know… to _mark_ her as a whore! So I ask again… what made you think it was okay to leave her alone!"

Glinda stayed silent as shock had torn her voice from her. She slowly walked over to Elphaba's side and simply watched her friend's face as she slept. "How do we know if we can trust someone if we do not give them the opportunity to prove themselves trustworthy?" she finally said, her voice weak and seemingly detached from her feelings.

"We already know that Elphaba cannot be trusted on her own! There was no need to give her any sort of opportunity to prove herself! She has nothing to prove! She cannot be trusted alone!"

"She didn't hurt herself, Avaric did."

Fiyero grabbed Glidna's shoulder and turned the blonde around, far more forcefully then necessary. "She got herself drunk and went to Avaric!" he screamed at her. "She wanted Avaric to hurt her! She wanted this because we would not allow her to hurt herself!"

Glinda closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I… I needed time alone," she whispered. "I cannot babysit Elphaba at all times. I have… my own problems, my own issues, and my own ways of dealing with them. Or have you forgotten that I am hurting too? Have you forgotten that I was there that night? Have you forgotten that I have also been… been _touched_ as Elphaba has been!"

"I haven't forgotten Glinda." Fiyero's voice was quiet now, soothing, as his rage began to disappear. "But Elphaba cannot be left alone. Now… now she only has another problem to add to her ever growing list."

Glinda looked back towards Elphaba. "We cannot help her," she whispered. "Or at least… _I_ cannot help her. Not until I have healed myself will I be able to help Elphaba heal. I do not wish to burden you Fiyero but her health now falls on your shoulders until… until I can look passed my own pain."

Fiyero grabbed Glinda's hand in his own and squeezed it gently. "You two need to heal together. You can help each other if you would just talk about it. You have to stop ignoring what happened. You have to stop pretending that nothing is wrong. You have to talk!"

Glinda shook her head, pulling her hand free of Fiyero's grasp. "Elphaba will never see that it wasn't her fault! She will always look at me with that terrible sense of horror and guilt in her eyes. She will always pull away from my touch. Our friendship will never be able to grow, to repair, until she can come to understand that what she did to me was not her fault. And that… that will never happen because to Elphaba _everything_ is always her fault."

"Talk to her," Fiyero whispered. "You don't know until you talk to her."

"She will never talk!"

"You have to at least try!" Fiyero was getting angry again. "You cannot give up on her!"

Glinda looked at Fiyero, their eyes meeting. "I don't wish to give up on her," she muttered. "But if I keep on trying to help her heal then I will have to give up on myself and I… I just cannot do that. I'm sorry Fiyero but I… I can't kill my own soul to save her's."

"Don't abandon her," Fiyero said. "Please… I don't think she would be able to survive another day if you left her. Just… just be there by her side. If you don't want the responsibility of looking after her then that's fine. I'll take that all on myself just don't… don't abandon her."

Glinda closed her eyes, nodded slightly. "Her life is not my responsibility," she whispered. "Her joy does not fall on my shoulders. But… but you're right." Glinda smiled slightly as she opened her eyes, wiping away the few tears that had managed to trickle down from her eyes. "I cannot abandon her now, it would be far too cruel. I will stay by her side but I will _not_ be her therapist. At least… not right now."

Fiyero took the blonde in his arms, embracing her tightly. "Just don't abandon her, that's all I ask," he whispered in to her ear. "Just be her friend… nothing more. I'll handle everything else."

Glinda nodded, her tears soaking through Fiyero's shirt. "I'm… I'm sorry," she muttered. "I'm sorry but I can't ignore myself to save her. Please… try to understand."

"It's fine, I understand. Just… don't abandon her."

"I'm sorry I'm not stronger. I'm sorry I don't have the strength that Elphaba has. I'm sorry I can't look passed myself to help others." Glinda's voice was getting louder with every word she spoke as her disgust at her own uselessness began to grow within her. "I'm sorry I'm just so damn selfish! I don't want to be! I wish I wasn't! But… but I just _am_! I'm sorry Fiyero… I'm so very, very sorry!"

Fiyero just held the blonde closer to him, tighter to him. "Don't be," he whispered. "We all need to be selfish in our lives. We all crave love and care and respect. You have nothing to be sorry for. You're being honest and that's all I ask of you."

"Don't let her die. Please… just… don't let her die."

"I won't. I promise that I won't let either you or Elphaba succumb to your pain. Trust me."

"Really?"

"Really."

Glinda sniffled. "Thank you."


	71. Of Rage And Fury

"_Don't let her die. Please… just… don't let her die."_

_"I won't. I promise that I won't let either you or Elphaba succumb to your pain. Trust me."_

_"Really?"_

_"Really."_

_Glinda sniffled. "Thank you."_

--

**Chapter Seventy-One: Of Rage and Fury**

Fiyero knocked on the door, waited for a response. He knocked again; faster, more impatient. The door opened.

The Vinkus prince's fist hit his target with a surprising amount of accuracy. Avaric stumbled backwards, his hand flying to his now bleeding nose. "What the…?" he mumbled out before he finally caught sight of the man who had attacked him. Realization spread across his face. "Oh," he simply said.

"Leave Elphaba alone!" Fiyero screamed as he crossed the few feet between himself and Avaric. He grabbed Avaric by the front of his shirt, now stained with blood. "She doesn't deserve what you do to her! She doesn't deserve your torment!"

Avaric smiled. "She came to me practically begging to be raped," he said. "Face it… your little green friend is nothing but a whore."

Fiyero threw him against the wall. "She is no such thing! You don't know anything about her! If you knew even a quarter of her story even _you_ would think twice about what you've done to her!"

"If the scars on her body are any indication I know far more about her life then you give me credit for. She even carved the word 'whore' on to her body. She obviously thinks of herself as such. She might as well act like one."

Fiyero grabbed his shirt again, yanked him up. Pushed him against the wall, choking him. "You know nothing about her!"

"I know what she feels like around my dick!" Avaric spat out around the hands choking his throat. "And let me tell you, she feels damn good!"

Fiyero punched him; cutting the skin above his eye. He threw Avaric to the floor again. "How can you be proud of what you did! How can you _live_ with yourself!"

"When she was upset did she go to you?" Avaric asked as he forced himself to stand up. "No… she came to me. She came to me, drunk, to get raped! I've been _in _her Fiyero. I know her in a way you never will!"

Fiyero's fist connected squarely with Avaric's jaw, breaking it. Avaric cried out as he fell to the floor. "She went to you because all she's ever known is abuse and rape and hatred!" Fiyero screamed. "You give her familiarity but it's going to stop! Right now! If you so much as look at her ever again I'm going to kill you!"

Avaric glared up at Fiyero and tried to speak but his now broken jaw made it impossible.

"Don't think I won't do it," Fiyero growled out. "Because I will! Elphaba deserves far more in her life than someone who will just take advantage of her! Leave her the fuck alone and I might consider letting you live!" And then he was gone, slamming the door behind him.

The attack on Avaric had done nothing to make Fiyero feel better.


	72. Of Promises And Laughter

_The attack on Avaric had done nothing to make Fiyero feel better._

--

**Chapter Seventy-Two: Of Promises and Laughter**

Elphaba could barely move. The pain was unbearable as she laid, stock still, in her bed. The wound that Avaric had so cruelly afflicted her with had been seen by a nurse when she had been asleep. What the nurse could stitch had been stitched but the wounds inside of her could not be reached. They were left to heal on their own with no true knowledge of how severe the permanent damage would be.

Glinda sat on the edge of Elphaba's bed for the majority of the time that the green girl was on bed-rest but Elphaba wouldn't look at the blonde. She wouldn't look at anyone. She was ashamed at what she had done. Ashamed that in her pain she had reached out to someone else to torment her... to rape her.

"Rape," Elphaba whispered.

Both Fiyero, who was sitting on Glinda's bed, and Glinda, who was sitting on the edge of Elphaba's bed, looked at her in confusion. "Pardon?" Glinda asked.

"Rape," Elphaba repeated, her eyes tightly shut. "I never used to be able to even think of the word." Her voice was quiet, trembling slightly. "To name the act made it far too real but now… now I can think of the word without being _too_ disgusted in myself."

Glinda smiled slightly. "That's a good thing."

"This isn't right," Elphaba whispered. "I should be helping you. I should be sitting on your bed, talking you through your recovery. It shouldn't be like this."

"It's not your job to help everyone Elphie."

"But I should be able to help my friends." Elphaba's voice was bitter and angry, upset even. "But no matter how hard I try… how much I struggle to keep my own pain at bay… I cannot ignore myself for long enough to help anyone else!"

"You should never ignore yourself," Fiyero said as he slowly slid off of his girlfriend's bed and sat down beside the blonde on Elphaba's bed. "Have you still not learnt that?"

"It seems that I am a slow learner when it comes to myself," Elphaba murmured. "But I suppose pleading with someone to rape me is something I should try to avoid in the future."

"That would probably be a good idea," Glinda said, trying to keep her voice light and joking but failing miserably.

A smile just barely graced Elphaba's face – the blonde had never been very good at masking her emotions… or lying. "I'll make you a deal."

Glinda raised an eyebrow in question even though she knew that her green friend couldn't see her. "What do you propose?" the blonde asked.

"You avoid getting kidnapped by men running shady, underground businesses and I'll avoid begging Avaric to rape me."

Glinda let out a small chuckle and shook her head slightly. "Only you would even think of saying such a thing."

Elphaba opened her eyes and looked at her roommate for the first time since Avaric had so cruelly marked her as his own. "Deal?" she asked, her tone suddenly serious.

The blonde made a show of thinking about the question as if she wasn't certain of the answer before she slowly nodded. "Deal."

Elphaba propped herself up on her elbows, staring at Glinda long and hard. "Can you promise me something?" she asked.

"Depends on what that… _something_… is," Glinda replied, knowing full and well about Elphaba's skill at word games and vocal manipulation.

"Promise me that you won't ever harm yourself again."

"Only if you promise me the same."

Elphaba closed her eyes briefly, let out a deep sigh, and opened her eyes again. She had been prepared for a retort like that but it still came as somewhat of a shock. "You know I cannot do that," Elphaba finally whispered.

"How can you expect me to hold on to a promise that you yourself cannot keep?" Glinda brushed at her eyes, trying to wipe her tears away before they stole her voice completely from her.

A green hand stretched out and gently grabbed a hold of Glinda's pale, shaking hand. She squeezed it gently. "I cannot promise to stop," Elphaba whispered. "I'm too far swallowed by it and I refuse to make a promise to you that I cannot keep."

"Then I will not prom–"

"I promise to try with all that is left of my heart that is not scarred by torment and pain to lesson the harm I cause to myself," Elphaba interrupted, her words rushed and her voice nearly choked completely from her as she tried not to cry. "But that is all I can promise and nothing more. Please… try to understand."

Glinda smiled through her tears, nodded slowly. Her other hand moved to cover the green hand that still held her. "I do Elphie. I understand. And… and _I_ promise. I promise you that I will never take a knife to my skin again."

"Good," Elphaba said. "Because in the end… the pain it causes is far greater than any initial relief it can bring. I would know." Elphaba's brow suddenly furrowed in confusion as she caught sight of Fiyero's hand. "Your hand's bruised," Elphaba whispered. "Fiyero… what did you do to your hand?"

The Vinkus prince covered his injured hand with his uninjured one. "It's nothing," he muttered as he looked away from Elphaba. "Don't worry about it."

"What did you do?"

"Nothing worse then what you did that has caused you to wear gloves in public to hide the bandages covering your burnt skin."

"I know it was foolish of me to try and wash my hands with water but I had a reason to feel like that… a reason to cause that harm to myself. Besides, they're mostly healed now, just a little burnt on the palms still. Now what in Oz did you do to your hand!"

Fiyero sighed. "Don't blame yourself for it," Fiyero said as he looked at Elphaba. He took her green hand from Glinda's grasp and held it in his uninjured one. He squeezed it gently. "But I might have gone and had a little talk with Avaric and I might have… well… broke his jaw. Which, you know, kind of bruised my knuckles. Or broke them. Something like that… I'm not too sure."

"Fiyero…"

"Don't blame yourself."

"You shouldn't have done that."

"Don't blame yourself."

"Let me see."

"No."

"Fiyero…"

The Vinkus prince frowned but relented and let Elphaba take his injured hand in her careful touch. "Have you had this seen by the nurses?" she quietly asked. Fiyero shook his head slightly. "You really should." A green finger probed around his third knuckle and Fiyero hissed in pain, wrenching his hand free. Elphaba smiled slightly. "Well… that knuckle is definitely broken, the others might be too."

Fiyero sighed. "Look, it's not your fault. I chose to hit Avaric of my own accord. Don't blame yourself."

"If I hadn't gone to him in the first place…" Elphaba's voice was beginning to choke with the force of her barely suppressed tears. "You wouldn't have felt the need to stand up for me."

"I don't regret what I did."

Elphaba nodded. "I know… but… but I do."

"Well… at least now Avaric should leave you alone."

Elphaba let out a sad, broken chuckle. "Leave me alone? Fiyero… you don't understand him at all, do you? I know you meant well but Avaric seems to feed off of people's anger and pain. All men like him do."

"Are you saying that… that I've–"

"Made the situation worse?" Elphaba interrupted. "I don't know Fiyero. I really don't know."

Fiyero's eyes widened in horror. "I didn't mean to make it worse!" His words were rushed and frantic. "Oh, dear Oz! It didn't even occur to me that he would… would want me to get angry!" Fiyero buried his head in his hands. "I'm sorry Elphaba. I'm so sorry for just making everything worse."

"Don't Fiyero, don't cry!" Elphaba forced herself to sit up all the way, ignoring the pain the movement caused to radiate from her abdomen. "Please… don't get upset!" She laid a supporting hand on his shoulder. "I know you meant well and I don't care if what you did makes Avaric worse. You caused him some measure of pain and you stood up for me! So… so thank you for that."

Glinda just started laughing. A strange sound that cut through her own sobs and seemed to fill the dorm room with a strange sense of joy and grief all at the same time.

Elphaba turned a shocked, confused face towards Glinda. "What, in all of Oz, is so funny?" she asked.

"You two!" Glinda managed to choke out between her hiccupping laughter. "Each of you trying to make sure the other isn't blaming themselves for what happened! It's like you're married or something!"

Elphaba turned a questioning gaze to Fiyero as a small smile teased her mouth. "I don't see how that's so funny," she simply stated before she too was swallowed in to the strange humour that Glinda had discovered. Fiyero smiled at the sight of the two women before him laughing for a reason they did not truly comprehend.

The Vinkus prince was just happy that his two dearest friends could still find joy, even if it was just barely there, in their lives.


	73. The Shame Behind The Blood

_The Vinkus prince was just happy that his two dearest friends could still find joy, even if it was just barely there, in their lives._

--

**Chapter Seventy-Three: The Shame Behind the Blood**

She was ashamed. Completely, totally, utterly ashamed. She wasn't ashamed because of what had happened – how Elphaba had been so cruelly forced to touch her. She wasn't ashamed of what she had done – the long cut on her inner arm that would most certainly became a pale, barely-there scar.

She was ashamed of what she lacked – the strength to carry on through the painful memory of the night that her green friend had been forced upon her.

And it was that shame that brought the knife to her skin for the second time in her short life. She couldn't watch herself do the deed that brought the few seconds, the brief moment, of relief to her aching soul. A large part of her was angry with Elphaba for introducing her to this strange, helpful torment even though she knew that it had been an accident on the green girl's part. Elphaba had never wanted Glinda to do the same.

"Elphie…" The word was whispered so quietly that the bathroom seemed to swallow the sound away. "I'm sorry for… for breaking my promise."

The blood fell in droplets to the tiled floor, pooling together. Glinda's pale arm did not bleed with anywhere near the force that Elphaba's green arm would have bled. But then, Glinda did not have the painful need to dig deep in to her arm. The superficial marring of her skin – to the point where it just began to bleed – brought her all the relief she needed.

The knife fell, with a loud thud, on to the tiled floor. Glinda stared at it for a few moments before turning on her heel and fleeing, not just the bathroom, but the dorm room itself.

She left her guilt on the floor to mingle with her drying blood.


	74. The Guilt Behind The Shame

_She left her guilt on the floor to mingle with her drying blood._

--

**Chapter Seventy-Four: The Guilt Behind the Shame**

Blood stained the tiled floor. Elphaba noticed it as soon as she had opened the bathroom door. Blood – red, sticky, and life-giving – pooled in small droplets on the floor.

Blood that Elphaba knew was not her own.

The green hand that rested on the bathroom doorknob was turning almost-white at the knuckles from the force Elphaba was gripping the knob with. If the blood wasn't hers then there was only one others that it could possibly be.

"You promised me," Elphaba whispered to the empty air. "Glinda… you… you _promised_ me."

Fiyero looked over Elphaba's shoulder, saw the blood on the floor, and gasped slightly in shock. "She… did it again?" His voice betrayed his surprise.

Elphaba was shaking with anger now. She was furious that Glinda had betrayed her. _Lied_ to her. The rage that coursed through her was so great that Elphaba feared that she would lose control of herself. "Where is she?" the green girl hissed out.

"Elphaba… maybe we should leave her alone for the moment. Give her time to work through her hurt and her shame alone. If she needs help, needs to talk, she'll come to us of her own accord."

Elphaba whirled around to face Fiyero. "_Shame_?" she screeched out. "What in Oz's name would Glinda have to be ashamed about! She's not the one who was first taken by her father! She's not the one with _whore_ carved on to her stomach! She's not the one who… who _touched_ her best friend! She's not the one who got a knife shoved in side of her! She's not the one who… who…" Elphaba's voice trailed off as she found her anger diminishing with almost the same speed it had come upon her with.

She couldn't ignore the guilt inside of her. It bubbled to the surface, causing her to very nearly collapse to the ground. Fiyero caught her as she slumped forward, her body losing its strength. She clutched on to his shirt. Buried her head in to his chest.

"I only wanted friends," she choked out around the sobs trying to tear their way out of her throat. "But all I've caused is pain. If… if I hadn't met any of you… you would all be better off."

"No," Fiyero whispered directly in to Elphaba's ear. "No, we would _not_ be better off having not known you. You showed us truth, trust, and the very pure rawness of the human soul."

"I am not pure," Elphaba muttered. "And my soul has long since fled this broken body."

"It has not fled you." Fiyero hugged the trembling green girl closer to him. "It has just hidden itself behind a layer of bitter strength and cunning sarcasm in an attempt to protect itself. And beneath all those layers of pain and torment there is a pureness that will be blinding when it is finally freed."

"You should be a poet."

Fiyero smiled. "What I said is the truth."

"I know it is. It's just… hard to see it in myself."


	75. Of Pure Souls

"_I know it is. It's just… hard to see it in myself."_

--

**Chapter Seventy-Five: Of Pure Souls**

"You broke your promise."

Glinda jerked slightly, the only sign of her surprise. "How did you know where I would be?"

Elphaba stepped forward to stand beside her friend and joined her in gazing at the apple tree's foliage. She wrapped her green hand around Glinda's pale one and squeezed it ever-so-slightly. "I noticed awhile ago that you had come to love the peace here as much as I."

"When we buried your children here I never, in my wildest dreams, would have guessed that it would become the very place the both of us would come to seek refuge when life became too… too big for us to handle on our own."

"It's calming _because_ we buried my children here."

Glinda frowned in confusion. "I don't think I follow you Elphie."

"Children are pure. Children are innocent. Children are devoid of the ability to cause harm. Especially babes such as my twins. They were innocence and freedom in the purest form. They were not alive nearly long enough to be corrupted or molded by the repulsion that stains life."

"Do you believe their souls linger here?"

Elphaba fell silent for a very long time as she feared that if she tried to speak she would burst in to tears. Eventually she found her voice again. "Yes," she whispered. "_Yes_. Yes because… because if there was nothing left of them in this world, nothing for me to latch on to, I would go insane with grief."

"They are what are lives now lack, are they not?"

Elphaba let go of Glinda's hand and instead wrapped her arm protectively around the blonde's shoulders and held her close. Elphaba knew the action would bring comfort and security to her friend and because of her love for Glinda she found herself able to swallow away the shame and disgust towards herself that such close touch with the blonde brought her.

"No," Elphaba muttered, closing her eyes against her tears. "They are what this _world_ now lacks."

Silence. Their conversation yielded to the sounds of nature around them. Soothing their tortured souls and letting them grow closer to each other in their shared pain.

"I promise," Glinda whispered, shrinking further in to Elphaba's comforting hold. "This time I… I promise to stop. Truly."

"Thank you."


	76. Of Wounded Hearts

_"I promise," Glinda whispered, shrinking further in to Elphaba's comforting hold. "This time I… I promise to stop. Truly."_

_"Thank you."_

--

**Chapter Seventy-Six: Of Wounded Hearts**

Glinda found Elphaba at the bottom of Suicide Canal. The river was perfectly calm, as if it was made of glass. The green girl was on her knees, as close to the edge as she dared to go, and was staring at her reflection.

Glinda kneeled down beside her friend. Stared down at her own reflection before catching a glimpse of Elphaba's. The blonde had to close her eyes to still her tears as she saw the grief and pain swirling in Elphaba's brown orbs. Looking at them in the river's reflection only seemed to intensify the inner torment that was so clear to see if one would only dare to look.

"He created the wound on your heart," Elphaba whispered after the silence had grown too much for her to bear. Her voice was broken and hoarse from the tears she had already shed and the sobs that she could barely suppress. "For me he… he just poured salt in to the layers upon layers of barely healing wounds already on my heart."

"Elphie…"

"Mounds and mounds of salt." Elphaba closed her eyes against her tears. "Mounds."


	77. Of Touch, Of Blame, Of Truth

_"Mounds and mounds of salt." Elphaba closed her eyes against her tears. "Mounds."_

--

**Chapter Seventy-Seven: Of Touch, Of Blame, Of Truth**

"I wish I could run in the rain."

Glinda and Fiyero, who were sitting on the blonde's pink bedding, looked up from their schoolbooks to see that Elphaba had abandoned her studying and was now staring out the window. The green girl sat on her own bed, still preferring to distance herself from Glinda as much as she could. Any contact with the blonde, whether intentional or not, continued to make Elphaba incredibly uncomfortable. The green girl couldn't forget what she had done to the blonde – how she had harmed her.

Elphaba was still having difficulty grasping the fact that what she had done, how she had touched Glinda, was not her fault. She couldn't distinguish the difference between the men who had so cruelly forced themselves on her and the way that she had so cruelly been forced upon Glinda.

"I've done it before Elphie," Glinda replied. "It's not that exciting."

"Even so, at least you can do it, if you so desire to."

"Elphie…"

"Well… I _could _do it…" Elphaba's voice trailed off and she dropped her eyes to her books.

"Elphie… don't talk like that. Please."

Elphaba looked up at Glinda, cocked her head slightly. "Do you ever wish you could just stay in bed?" she asked. "Do you ever wish you could just sleep your life away?"

Glinda frowned. "Well… no. Why?"

Elphaba sighed, dropping her gaze to her schoolbooks again. "Never mind," she muttered. "It was a silly question anyways."

"No it wasn't." Glinda shifted off of her bed and walked across the room. She sat down on her green friend's bedding but made sure to keep a comfortable space between them. Whenever she latched on too close to Elphaba she could sense the green girl's discomfort so the blonde stayed further away then she truly desired to.

"Glinda… please… just drop it."

"Do _you_ wish you could sleep your life away?"

Elphaba closed her eyes and shook her head slowly. "I wish I could sleep my pain away though," she whispered.

"Elphie…" Glinda made to hug her green friend but pulled back, second-guessing herself.

Elphaba sensed Glinda's movements, had guessed at the blonde's intention to hold her, and opened her eyes when the act did not occur. "_What_?" Elphaba spat out, her voice far angrier then what she intended it to be but she couldn't help herself. "Am I too disgusting for you to even touch now!"

Glinda's eyes widened and her jaw slackened in horror at the accusation. "Oh, Elphie! No! Dear Oz, no! It's just that… well… I…" Her voice trailed off and she dropped her gaze to her lap as she discovered herself unable to find the words needed to explain herself.

"Well _what_?"

"It's just that… since… since _it_ happened you've seemed so… uncomfortable… when I touch you."

Elphaba's anger melted away and was quickly replaced with shame and disgust. All she could manage to force out of her suddenly constricted throat was a simple, "Oh."

An awkward silence fell over the room. Glinda and Elphaba both avoided looking at each other while Fiyero stayed silent on the other side of the room. He knew it was not his part to speak now – this conversation needed to be spoken between the two women, the two friends, and Fiyero would not risk scaring either of them in to silence.

Elphaba closed her eyes tightly against her tears. "It's not your fault," she whispered, finally breaking the silence. "Glinda… please… you have to know that! It's not your fault!" Her voice was getting louder, more frantic, with every word that escaped her mouth. "It's not your body! Or you soul! Or the words you speak! It's not you! It has nothing to do with you!"

Glinda looked up to see that Elphaba had clumped the bedding in her hands, balling the brown sheets in her fists. "I know that," Glinda said, her voice level and calm – full of compassion for her friend. "But I don't think you know that it wasn't your fault either."

Elphaba clutched the bedding even tighter, her body trembling slightly. "I hurt you," she muttered. "I harmed you."

"You saved me from him."

"_I molested you!_" Elphaba hissed out; trying desperately to choke back the sobs threatening to strip her of her control.

The room fell silent and no one dared to even breathe. Elphaba and Glinda had never actually named the act that had occurred between them to each other.

"No," Glinda said, her voice firm yet impossibly comforting at the same time. "_That_ _man_ molested me. He just… did it through you. And for all my life I will… I will always be thankful that it was _your_ hand… not his." Tears were beginning to choke the blonde's voice, making it harder for her to speak. "Because at least your hand is pure. At least your hand I can hold in comfort and feel secure in. _His hand_ would have been dirty. _His hand_ would have stained my skin… torn my soul. Your hand just… just touched me. It did not scar me. It did not taint me. It just touched me."

The words seemed to linger in the air. Elphaba could hear Glinda's voice in her head, repeating what had just been spoken. She hugged her legs to her chest and slowly, carefully, mouthed in silence every word that the blonde across from her had just said.

"You're lying," Elphaba suddenly spat out, effectively destroying the faint thread of hope that had developed at Glinda's words.

"No."

"You have to be! You're just… speaking the words of comfort you feel you are suppose to say!"

"Elphie… that's not true!"

"It has to be! I'm sick! I'm just a dirty, disgusting, worthless, _vile_ human being!"

"Why are you trying to convince yourself that it _was_ your fault?" Glinda asked quietly. "I know… I know that somewhere underneath all that pain inside of you you _know_ that it wasn't your fault! Why can you not accept the truth?" Glinda's voice was desperate now; choking as she tried to make Elphaba understand.

Elphaba opened her eyes, looked at Glinda, and frowned. "Tell me you're not lying," she whispered, her voice cold and broken. "Look at me and tell me you're not lying."

"Elphie…" Glinda could barely speak around the lump in her throat. "Elphie… I swear to you that I am _not_ lying!"

Elphaba closed her eyes again and breathed deeply for a few long minutes. When she finally opened her eyes they were wet with unshed tears that she could barely hold back. "You're truly… you're actually _grateful_ that it was me… not him?"

Glinda nodded. "Yes Elphie… dear Oz… yes!"

Elphaba buried her head in her knees, her hair falling forward to shield her face completely from Glinda. Her shoulders shook uncontrollably as the threatening sobs that had lingered with her throughout the whole conversation finally broke through her control. Glinda shuffled closer to her green friend until she was sitting beside her.

Glinda wrapped her arm around Elphaba's shoulders and pulled her shaking, distraught friend against her. Elphaba melted in to Glinda's touch and a green hand grasped tightly on to Glinda's pale one. Elphaba squeezed Glinda's hand as if it was her only lifeline to reality.

"Thank you," Elphaba choked out through her sobs. She swore she could feel her heart, her soul, her very _being_ beginning to heal. "Thank you… thank you… dear Oz Glinda… _thank you_."


	78. Together

_**Author's Note:** I'm sorry for the severe delay in updating but a series of events occured that have kept me incredibly busy and prevented me from updating (I turned eighteen, my eldest brother got married, my best friend moved away to go to University, I started a new job, and then I got really sick). So here is the next, and long overdue, chapter. Enjoy!  
_

--

"_Thank you," Elphaba choked out through her sobs. She swore she could feel her heart, her soul, her very being beginning to heal. "Thank you… thank you… dear Oz Glinda…_ thank you_."_

--

**Chapter Seventy-Eight: Together**

Elphaba had shrugged off Fiyero's concerned and watchful gaze; begging him for a few hours alone in her shared dorm room until Glinda would return from her class. Eventually the Vinkus prince relented to Elphaba's demands and had left the green girl in her dorm room to find peace in the quietness around her.

For the first time in a long, long time Elphaba found that she had the strength to deny the desperate, yet dull, desire within her to harm herself. The realization gave her a strange sense of empowerment that she doubted she had ever felt before.

She was proud of herself.

Elphaba had thought she would find solace in being alone but she quickly found herself counting down the minutes until Glinda's final class of the day would be dismissed and the blonde would walk through the door. The green girl was restless in her isolation and she was starting to realize that she was beginning to crave social interaction – something she had never thought would happen.

The realization filled her with joy while at the same time striking such terror through her that she nearly began to cry. She had never felt so dependant on other people to feel complete and secure in herself since Nessarose. And the pain and uselessness she had felt when Nessa had no longer needed her made her wary to ever become so attached to another person again.

Yet she _was_ becoming attached.

She paced back and forth in her room; waiting for Glinda to return from class. The blonde was late.

Time dredged on. Elphaba's restlessness turned in to worry and then her worry turned in to terror. When the sun began setting the green girl could wait no longer. She grabbed her coat and soon found herself wandering aimlessly around the university grounds – not sure where to look.

She didn't have to look far. She found Glinda at the apple tree; sitting on the grass with her back resting against the hard bark. Elphaba approached slowly, carefully, and stood awkwardly beside the blonde for a few moments.

"May I sit?" Elphaba asked after finally finding her voice.

Glinda sniffled, nodded, and shifted her weight slightly to give Elphaba more room to sit down. The green girl noticed how the blonde hugged her arm to her body awkwardly, as if she was trying to hide something, but choose not to comment on the observation she had made.

Elphaba sat down. Their shoulders touched and for a moment the oldest Thropp stiffened at the touch but soon relaxed. "You smell like scotch," Elphaba said, careful to keep her voice from sounding accusing or harsh. "Have you been drinking?"

"I'm just taking a page out of your book," Glinda snapped out. Her words were harsher than she meant them to be but in her slightly boozy state she wasn't quite able to keep her tongue in check. "I've already tried the self-harming method… I figured I would go all out and try the drinking too."

"Gli–"

"Unfortunately I didn't have any whiskey around," Glinda interrupted. "But I figured scotch was close enough. What do you think?" Her tone was bitter, angry, and full of poorly hidden pain.

"Glin–"

"Now you know what it feels like!"

"What are you talking about?" Elphaba asked, genuinely confused.

"To be the one watching someone else self-destruct!" Glinda laid flashing eyes on her green friend. "Doesn't feel too good, does it?"

Elphaba dropped her gaze to her lap. "No," she whispered.

"Why are you here?" Glinda's words were oddly coherent, she slurred only barely.

"I was worried."

"Elphaba Thropp, the most, and greatest, self-destructive person in the world was worried about poor, perfect, little Miss Glinda Upland? I'm just honoured!"

"You don't have to be sarcastic."

"You don't have to be… be so… so… Elphaba-ish!"

A single eyebrow rose on a green face and one side of Elphaba's lip curled up in to something that sort-of resembled a smile. "That's it?" she asked in disbelief. "That is the greatest comeback that blonde mind of yours could come up with?"

"Well… I'm drunk!" Glinda offered up as an excuse.

Elphaba chuckled slightly. "You're not drunk Glinda… not even close. You're just buzzed."

Suddenly Glinda pressed her bottle to her mouth. Elphaba watched in horror – struck dumbfounded and still by what she was seeing – as the blonde downed the last three-quarters of her scotch in one gulp. The empty bottle broke against the ground as Glinda forcefully threw it away.

"You're going to be sick," Elphaba simply said.

"I'm going to be just –" Glinda's words were cut short as, true to Elphaba's prediction, she suddenly found herself very ill.

The blonde had the decency and presence of mind to turn her head away from Elphaba and expel the contents of her stomach in the opposite direction from where the green girl sat. Unfortunately the movement forced her to free her arm from where she had been clutching it so close to her body.

Elphaba saw the blood.

The green girl's breath hitched in her throat and tears of horror, grief, and betrayal pooled in her eyes. When Glinda had finished and wiped her mouth clean she turned back to face Elphaba and nearly jumped at the utter, unhidden emotion she saw on the green face.

"What's wrong?" Glinda asked, fear suddenly spiking inside of her. "Elphie? What's wrong!"

"You… you promised," Elphaba stammered. "And… twice now… _twice_… you have… broken that promise."

Glinda's eyes darted from Elphaba's devastated face to her own blood-stained arm. Her own face fell in to despair as she realized that she had failed to hide what she had done to herself. "You weren't supposed to see," Glinda whispered, dropping her gaze to the ground.

"And that makes it okay?" Elphaba's words came out harsh and bitter. "That makes it fine?"

"You have no right to judge me for something that you yourself do!"

Elphaba did a quick scan around the area to find no one near. In an impulsive move, that not long ago Elphaba would never had allowed herself to do, the green girl pulled her dress down to her hips; leaving the top of her body bare to the world save her bra.

"Look at me," Elphaba whispered, cupping a hand underneath Glinda's chin and turning the blonde's head to face her. "Look at what I've done to myself." She dropped her hand from Glinda's chin and leaned back slightly.

The fading sun shone in just a way that it seemed to illuminate Elphaba's verdigris, sending strange shadows across her thin frame. Glinda was struck dumbfounded by the odd beauty that seemed to emit from her friend's very being. For a few moments she could not find her voice to speak until her eyes adjusted to the odd light and she caught sight of the true reason that Elphaba had uncovered herself.

The scars.

They stood out clearly on Elphaba. Raised slightly above the otherwise smooth skin that was stained green. Glinda had never really noticed how many physical scars Elphaba bore until she really looked. It was true that the verdigris seemed to hide them well but not entirely. They were clear to anyone who ever cared to look.

Glinda doubted many people, if any, had ever cared enough to actually look.

"Is this what you want?" Elphaba whispered, her eyes seeming to bore holes right through Glinda. "Because if it is then you're heading down the right path."

Glinda closed her own eyes, trying to still her tears, but it was a useless attempt. They fell like two rivers down her face. Dripping from her chin; pooling on her lap. The blonde heard the shuffling of fabric against skin as Elphaba pulled her dress up and covered herself again.

"Don't cry Glinda," Elphaba said, taking a pale hand in her own and squeezing it tightly. "I didn't mean to make you cry."

Glinda brushed at her face with her free hand but the tears kept coming. She opened her mouth to speak but she could not force her voice around the lump in her throat. She tried to hold back her sobs but she was unable to and soon she lost all control of her grief.

Elphaba took the shaking, distraught blonde in her arms; hugging Glinda close to her body. The blonde clutched on to her green friend's dress, burying her face in the fabric. She cried. Tears that she shed not just for the scars she had seen on Elphaba's body but for all the pain she was feeling. For all the memories that were haunting her. The torment that she had endured – when Elphaba had been forced to so cruely touch her – had dredged up a time in her childhood when her mother had been at her worst with the alcohol. All of it, combined also with the heavy weight weighing on her mind and emotions of trying to save Elphaba, was overwhelming the blonde.

"I'm sorry," Glinda choked out, her words muffled by her green friend's clothing.

"Don't be," Elphaba said; rubbing soft, calming circles on the blonde's back. "I know you're trying and that's all that matters."

"I… I'm supposed to… to be helping you."

"No," Elphaba whispered directly in to Glinda's ear. "No Glinda… we're helping each other, together."


	79. Of Denial

_**Author's Note: **The letter that is referred to during this chapter was written by Elphaba back in Chapter 49. Yah for references back to a chapter written, what feels like, eons ago?_

--

"_No," Elphaba whispered directly in to Glinda's ear. "No Glinda… we're helping each other, together."_

--

**Chapter Seventy-Nine: Of Denial**

"I mailed the letter."

Glinda looked up from her schoolbook to stare across the room at her green roommate. "What letter?" she asked.

"The one I wrote to my father. The one that… that Fiyero suggested I write. Don't you remember?"

Glinda nodded. "I remember. I never read the letter though." The blonde frowned. "I thought you threw it out after that incident?"

"I did." Elphaba closed her eyes against the pain the memory of that terrible letter brought to her. She swallowed away the lump in her throat. "But I changed my mind and found it in the wastebasket. I mailed it some time ago… or well… Boq did for me since you and Fiyero wouldn't leave me alone to do it."

"Why are you telling me this now?"

Elphaba opened to a back page in her notebook and pulled something from it. She slid off her bed, crossed the few feet to stand before Glinda, and dropped a sealed envelope on to the opened page of the book that the blonde was reading. It was addressed to Elphaba Thropp.

"Your father wrote you back?" Glinda asked, her voice betraying her disbelief.

Elphaba nodded, turning her back to her friend. "I don't have the heart to read it," she whispered.

A perfectly manicured nail quickly broke the envelope's seal and Glinda pulled out the letter it held. She didn't unfold it. "Do you want me to read it out loud?" she questioned quietly. "Or would you rather I read it first and give you a summary."

"Just read it to me," Elphaba said, her voice oddly monotone and her body completely still.

Glinda unfolded the small piece of paper and took a deep breath. She read it to Elphaba, her voice as quiet and as soothing as she could make it.

_To Elphaba Thropp,_

_You have disgraced our family's name with the actions you have taken and the decisions you have made. I stand firmly behind the way I raised you and the methods I used to punish you. I had to keep you in line and the only way you ever listened was through pain. I do not regret anything I've done to you – it was all for your own good._

_And what of this talk of rape? I nearly lost my lunch in disgust as I read the lies you wrote. Do you seek to destroy what little reputation this family has left with your vile words and false accusations? I never touched you in any sexual way and if you truly believe I did then your mind is playing tricks on you. Perhaps you have gone insane from the guilt of your sins? I know not the answer to why you seem to recall these memories of incestuous rape that are so obviously fabricated and I care not to ever understand the reasons behind your twisted thoughts and beliefs._

_I have long dismissed you as my child and your letter has only cemented my decision. You are disowned from this family and the name Thropp no longer carries any meaning for you. You are no longer my daughter and nothing you could ever do would be able to bring you back in to this family._

_Goodbye Fabala. Goodbye and good riddance, _

_Frexspar Thropp_

Glinda fell silent as soon as she finished reading. She looked at Elphaba but all she could see of her green roommate was her back. "Elphie?"

"How…" Elphaba's voice was trembling with a terrible, nearly uncontrollable, rage. "How… could he!" She whirled around to face Glinda and she grabbed the letter out of the blonde's pale grasp. Her eyes shifted side to side as she quickly scanned the letter – unbelieving that her father had really wrote what Glinda had read.

"How could he deny _everything_!" Elphaba screamed. "How could he just… toss away all I've gone through as if it was nothing! How could he accuse me of lying! He has… he has brainwashed himself in to believing that he never did anything wrong!" She ripped the letter up, threw the pieces at the floor with far more force then necessary. "He… he just… _dismissed_ me like I was nothing more than… than trash." Her voice was a mere whisper now, trembling from grief and not from anger. She sat down beside Glinda and the blonde gently squeezed her hand in support. "He thinks I'm disposable. He… always has."

"He is just one man in the line of many who have hurt you," Glinda said. "If he has thrown you away like trash then all you have to do is cast him aside as garbage. You are better than him. Far, far better."

"He was the first." Elphaba laid her head on Glinda's shoulder. "He was the one that started the cruel pattern."

"Pattern?"

Elphaba nodded stiffly. "All the men in my life… it's what they do to me. They hurt me. It's just… just part of who I am."

"No," Glinda stated firmly, a sense of conviction in her voice that Elphaba had never heard before. "There are men in your life who have only ever tried to help you. Fiyero for one. And Boq. Even Doctor Dillamond. You are not a beacon that attracts the horrible sinners of this world. You're just… unlucky in fate. But it has made you strong, stronger then most. And that is a gift."

Elphaba let out a small, sad chuckle. "I just wish there wasn't such a high price to pay for the gift of strength."

"Don't we all Elphie? Don't we all?"


	80. Of Secrets, Of Fighting, Of Regret

"_Don't we all Elphie? Don't we all?"_

--

**Chapter Eighty: Of Secrets, Of Fighting, Of Regret**

Glinda awoke to the terrible sound of screaming. She sat up to find her green roommate on her hands and knees on the dorm room floor. Elphaba's bedding was tangled around her feet and Glinda could only assume that her roommate had fallen from her bed at some point.

The blonde slid out of her bed and kneeled down beside her distraught friend. She clasped a green hand in her own and squeezed it. The touch did little to help Elphaba as the green girl seemed to not be truly conscious. Small whimpers escaped Elphaba's mouth and sweat collected on her brow, burning green skin. Her eyes were closed and her mouth drawn in to a thin line. Glinda did not know what horrors her roommate was seeing in her mind and the blonde could do nothing to help but simply be in Elphaba's presence.

Suddenly Elphaba jerked backwards, ripping her hand out of Glinda's grasp, and her eyes flew open. Her face was twisted in to an expression of utter panic for a moment before she realized where she was. She turned her head away, listening only to the sounds of her rapid breathing until she felt calm enough to speak.

"I'm sorry for waking you," Elphaba whispered, keeping her eyes on the ground as shame made her cheeks turn a dark green in colour.

"You had a nightmare."

Elphaba let out a heavy sigh. "I could say no but you would not believe me, would you?"

"Perhaps if you were still in your bed I would have more of an inclination to believe that you are fine."

Elphaba smiled slightly and turned her head to look at her roommate. Blonde curls hung limp around Glinda's face and in the dark Elphaba could only see the faint outline of her friend's face. The curve of her lips. The line of her chin. The point of her nose. The faint indentation of her eyes.

"Save me from myself," Elphaba whispered before her mouth shut quickly and she turned her head away again. She was shocked at her own words. Shocked at what her own voice had spoken.

Glinda took a hold of a green hand again, squeezed it tightly, letting Elphaba find comfort in the familiar yet unthreatening touch. "I'm not going anywhere," the blonde whispered. "I'm going to be right here. Beside you. Helping you."

"I… I have to tell you something," Elphaba whispered quietly, her voice almost inaudible. "Please don't get angry."

"What is it?" Glinda shuffled closer to the green girl. Gently wrapped an arm around shaking, thin shoulders.

"Promise me you won't get angry," Elphaba muttered, keeping her eyes on the floor. "Please."

"I promise."

"I want Fiyero for my own."

The words hung in the air of the silent room. They seemed to echo around the two friends; taunting, betraying, and altogether completely honest. To Elphaba the words seemed to bring voice to the darkest secret of her soul. To Elphaba the words seemed to speak of the very destruction of the friendship she had with the blonde holding her.

To Glinda the words meant very little.

The blonde simply held Elphaba for a few long minutes as she tried to find the right words to say. When she spoke her voice was quiet, devoid of the anger and hurt Elphaba had expected to hear.

"I believe that sometimes Fiyero feels the same way," Glinda said. She held Elphaba closer to her when she felt the green girl stiffen slightly. "And I can say, in all honesty, that I would not be surprised if one day Fiyero ended his relationship with me to pursue one with you."

"You're not angry," Elphaba stated. Her voice was muted; detached in her shock.

"No."

"Why?"

"We both have feelings for him and there is no harm in that. Who he chooses to be with is just that… his choice. If he loves you over me then so be it. I cannot change anyone's feelings and I cannot control anyone's actions save my own."

"But you love him!" Elphaba tore away from Glinda's grasp. Laid a piercing gaze full of disbelief on the blonde. "How can you so easily speak of letting him go like that!"

"Because sometimes we have to let the one's we love go… no matter how much it hurts. Just like sometime's we have to watch the one's we love make their own mistakes and suffer before we can ever hope to show them better and help them."

"You speak of me." Elphaba's tone was accusing, hurt.

"That I do."

"You think that kisses and hand holding will heal me, will save me!" Elphaba was on her feet now, her anger overtaking her sense. "You think that loving words spoken in soft tones will calm me! You do not understand the storm raging within me! It is a storm that no person could quiet! That no person could stop!"

Glinda sat still on the floor, not bothered by Elphaba's outburst. "I do not claim that I know what will help you Elphie," the blonde said, her voice even and loud. When she spoke she seemed to lose her nasally high pitch and her voice came in a far more adult tone; a far more commanding tone. "I offer you what help you will receive. I cannot force you to talk. I cannot force you to speak of your feelings. I hold your hand and speak the only comforting words I know because that is all the help you will allow yourself to receive."

A bottle thrown by a green hand crashed against the floor by Glinda's crossed legs. Foundation spilled from it, staining the wood.

"Did you ever think that perhaps I did not want your help!" Elphaba screamed, her breathing quick and short in her fury.

The blonde looked up from the broken bottle to stare in to the flashing eyes of her roommate. "I'm not offering you my help," Glinda said matter-of-factly. "I'm giving it to you."

"I don't want it!"

"You need it."

"I need nothing!"

"You need love."

Glinda's words caused Elphaba to freeze. Her body went tense, rigid even, and she shut her eyes – focusing only on her breathing to try and calm herself down. "I need no such thing," the green girl eventually uttered beneath her breath.

"Everyone needs love Elphie." Glinda finally stood up, grabbed a green hand in her own, and led Elphaba back to her bed. She sat the green girl down. "And I do believe that you fall under the category of 'everyone' no matter how much you may wish you did not."

"I dreamt of water," Elphaba said. Her words were meant to change the direction of the conversation but she hadn't meant them to be so true to what she had seen in her mind.

"Water?" Glinda questioned.

"What it would feel like to die."

"Is that what you really want?"

"I don't know," Elphaba whispered, her voice on the edge of sobs. "I don't know what I want. And that… that scares me."

"It's okay to not have everything planned out. It's okay to be a little uncertain about your future. And it's okay to be afraid."

"What you say cannot erase the voice of my father."

"Does it help to dull it?"

Elphaba let out a heavy sigh. "A little."

"Then that is all I need to know."

"You think this is all so easy. You think I can just change the way I think of myself in mere days."

"I never said such a thing."

"I was pregnant before."

Glinda gasped at the sudden revelation. "What?" Her voice betrayed her horror and shock. "That was not… not your first?"

"Nevermind."

"You can't 'nevermind' a statement like that!" Glinda was in disbelief that her green friend would even considering dropping a bombshell such as she had and not explain herself further.

"You do not need my burdens on yourself," Elphaba muttered, trying to explain why she refused to shed anymore light on her words.

"You would not bring up such an event up if you did not need to speak of it."

"It was my father."

"What!"

"It was his child." Elphaba's voice fell to a register so quiet that Glinda could barely hear her. "It never lasted to birth. But… children conceived in such a nature never do. A man is not supposed to father a child with his own daughter."

"How… how old were you?"

Elphaba shrugged. "Who knows? I could have been seven, I could have been twelve. The years of my childhood have become so muddled together in my mind that I can no longer tell them apart."

"Will the horrors of your past ever cease?" Glinda muttered. "Or have you only begun to tell us of your story?"

"You have been told the overview of it all," Elphaba said. "But I left the more… disturbing… events out of my telling all that time ago." Elphaba laughed; quietly, sadly. "How long did that take again?" she asked, more to herself than to Glinda. "A week?"

"Something like that," the blonde replied absentmindedly.

"He refused to feed me," Elphaba whispered. "When the baby began to grow and he realized what he had done he stopped giving me food."

"Why?"

"I would assume to kill the child." Elphaba looked up at Glinda, tears pooling in her brown eyes. "Or to kill me. Whichever came first."

"Oh… oh, Elphie!" Glinda desperately wanted to hug her green friend but feared what reaction she would get in return.

"There wasn't much blood," Elphaba whispered. "Not nearly as much as there had been with the twins. It… it just _happened_. Then he burned the still-born, half-formed child. And that was it."

"Nothing more?"

"Nessie named her Tia," Elphaba said, a small smile forming on her grief-stricken face. "She thought the child was a doll. I don't even know if she remembers anymore. She was so young."

"You were young too."

"I never had a chance to be young," Elphaba muttered, her voice coloured with a hint of anger and despair. "I never had a chance to be a child… to be carefree and giddy and not have a worry in the world."

Glinda stayed quiet – unable to find the right words to say so she chose instead to say nothing at all.

"It hurts. Like a fire burning within my soul. Consuming me… slowly, surely." Elphaba shuddered. "I just want the pain to go away."

"Until you can let go of your past, and the ones who have hurt you, that pain will never dull." Glinda pulled Elphaba closer to her, took her in to something that resembled a hug but wasn't completely.

"It's not the people," Elphaba said, letting her eyes slid shut and leaning in to Glinda's comforting hold. "People come and go. It does not matter who harmed me but rather the scars they leave behind."

"Elphie…"

"He doesn't even acknowledge what he did," Elphaba muttered. "It's one thing to refuse to acknowledge that you raped your own daughter but to not even care about the incestuous child you murdered and tossed away like trash. He doesn't understand how much he has hurt me!"

"He knows," Glinda said. "You know that he knows."

"He just doesn't care."

"What your father did was his decision. You had no choice in the matter."

"He killed my child!" Elphaba snapped out. "_My_ child! I should have stopped him!"

"You were a child yourself," Glinda replied; her voice calm and level – a direct contrast to Elphaba's anger. "He was supposed to protect you. He was supposed to do what was right."

"I should have been stronger."

"You _are_ strong Elphie. You're far stronger than anyone else I've ever met. Can you not see that?"

"I'm strong?" Elphaba laughed; a dishearteningly small sound that echoed throughout the room. "If I was strong I would have been able to put a stop to my father's abuse! If I was strong I would not have found solace in harming myself!" She was on her feet now, pacing in her anger and self-loathing. "If I was strong I would not have gone crawling back to Avaric drunk and inconsolable and begged him to rape me! If I was strong I would have been able to have a life like yours Glinda! I would have been normal!"

"Elph–"

"Did you know that I had blocked it out of my mind?" Elphaba's arms waved aimlessly around as she animated and emphasized her words with her hands. "My father's letter brought back the memory, did you know that? I had blocked out the memory of my own first-born child! What kind of wicked monster am I?"

"You're not a monster and you're not wicked."

"There is no other reason for fate to punish me so! I hurt because it is payback for the wickedness in me!"

"Elphaba Thropp!" Glinda screamed, standing up and laying two pale hands on her friend's shoulders to try and calm her down. "Now you listen to me right now and you listen well! You are _not_ a monster nor wicked nor weak nor anything of the sort! Now stop this self-loathing and mental anguish!"

"You think it's so easy!" Elphaba jerked away from Glinda, turned her back on the blonde.

"I never said it was easy!" Glinda's voice became high-pitched as her frustration finally began to show. "You're not listening to me at all!"

"You don't understand!"

"All you're doing is degrading yourself with the words you're speaking! That is not going to help! All you're doing is making yourself feel even more worthless and useless when you don't have to!"

Elphaba whirled around, her eyes flashing with anger. "I cannot change the way I think of myself in a day!"

"But you're doing nothing to try and change it! You still talk of yourself like you always have!"

"You cannot possibly comprehend how hard this is for me!"

"Have you forgotten that you are not the only one that has been hurt before!"

"The pain you feel is nowhere near what I have suffered with my whole life!"

"You can't possibly judge how much hurt I feel!"

"Have you been raped! Have you lost children! Have you been used and broken and tossed away like trash! I think not!"

"Have you been molested by your best friend!"

The room went silent. The anger in Elphaba's face faded away in to despair as guilt tore through the green girl like fire. Glinda adverted her eyes to the ground as regret surged through her. The blonde wished she could take back the final words she had said but she knew she could not.

"You… you said…" Elphaba stammered," that… that you…"

"Elphie, please!' Glinda looked up to find that Elphaba's eyes were tightly shut and her green lips were pressed in to a thin line. "I… I didn't mean –"

"Don't." Elphaba's words were soft but they cut through Glinda's voice like a knife. "You don't have to explain."

"Elphie, listen to me!"

The blonde's words fell on deaf ears as the green girl turned and fled. The dorm room door slamming shut behind her. Glinda slowly sat down where she stood – in the very middle of the floor. She stared at the door for what seemed like hours as she let the horror of what she had said to her friend sink in.

Glinda couldn't even begin to fathom the repercussions that her harsh words would bring.


	81. Of False Comfort

_Glinda couldn't even begin to fathom the repercussions that her harsh words would bring._

--

**Chapter Eighty-One: Of False Comfort**

For four days Elphaba was simply gone. She had disappeared from all of Shiz. Fiyero had searched frantically, recruiting his friends to help, but it had been to no avail

She was gone.

Avaric was confronted by Fiyero but he swore on the Unnamed God that he had done nothing. After a rather violent confrontation Fiyero eventually came to the decision that Avaric was telling the truth.

So he waited. When Glinda finally told him, on the third day of Elphaba's disappearance, of what she had said to the green girl he snapped at the blonde. Their argument had been long and loud and very nearly came to physical blows. Thankfully Fiyero had the presence of mind to remove himself from the situation before it escalated to that point.

The two lovers did not talk to each other until Elphaba's return. And that was only because their concern for their green friend forced them to have to be together in the same room.

When Elphaba finally returned, four days after disappearing and a day after Fiyero and Glinda's fight, she looked like the walking dead. Her skin had a strange gray undertone to it and she seemed to have managed the impossible – she had lost even more weight.

Her return was not dramatic in any way. She did not return to her dorm room or go searching for Fiyero or Glinda. She, instead, headed straight for her sister's room. When she arrived there she found it empty and for a moment she stood in the opened doorway in despair.

The door shut behind her. Slowly, carefully, she made her way across the room. Laid down on her sister's bed. Curled in to the fetal position. Closed her eyes.

She fell asleep to the smell of her sister.


	82. Of True Comfort

**_Author's Note: _**_I find Nessa very hard to write. I tried to find a balance with her between being the religious/condescending person that I get from the book she is and the loving sister that I feel she would be in such a situation that she has found herself in. I'm unsure whether I found that balance so any comments/advice/constructive criticism on the matter of how I write Nessa would be greatly appreciated!_

--

_She fell asleep to the smell of her sister._

--

**Chapter Eighty-Two: Of True Comfort**

Nessa nearly screamed when she entered her room. However, she soon realized who was lying in her bed and she relaxed. However, her relief was immediately replaced with fear as she took in the sight of her far-too-thin sister lying on her bed. The oldest Thropp was sleeping – clearly exhausted – but even in her resting unconsciousness her body still shivered violently with the cold brought on by her severe malnourishment.

"Elphaba?" Nessa questioned quietly as she wheeled herself closer to her bed. A pale hand gently shook a green shoulder. "Elphaba?"

The green girl moaned softly as she tried to swat Nessa's hand away. "Goway," she mumbled.

"Elphaba, do you know where you are?"

Elphaba seemed to shrink in to herself even more in an attempt to keep warm. "Goway," she repeated.

"Elphaba, wake up. Please."

The oldest Thropp finally opened her eyes at the pleading tone in her sister's voice. She frowned, blinked a couple times, and then finally found her bearings. "Why am I in your room?" she asked, her confusion clearly plastered on her face.

"I had hoped that you would be able to answer that question for me," Nessa replied with a small, but sad, smile. "Where have you been?"

"What does it matter to you?" Elphaba snapped out before quickly closing her eyes and shaking her head slightly to try and calm her emotions. "Sorry," she muttered.

"Where have you been?" Nessa repeated, taking a green hand in her own and squeezing it.

"You don't want to know."

"What have you been doing?"

"You'd hate me."

"Would I?"

Elphaba nodded, opening her eyes and unfolding her body just slightly. "Yes… yes you would."

"You smell disgusting," Nessa said, meaning it as a joke but knowing the humour was lifeless in the stiffling atmosphere surrounding them. "I can only imagine what you've been doing."

"I just… didn't want to feel."

Nessa's face twisted in to an expression of horror. "You… you didn't… did… did you… _sell_ yourself?"

Elphaba jerked up in to a sitting position and forcefully pulled her hand from her sister's grasp. "I did no such thing!" she screamed, anger coursing through her body at Nessa's words. "How could you even think of such a thing!"

"Then what have you been doing for the last four days!" Nessa screamed back, her own anger matching her green sister's. "You have an argument with Glinda then just disappear without a word or a note or anything and scare us all half-to-death!"

"I needed time alone!"

"Away from Shiz even?" Nessa was unbelieving of Elphaba's words. "You didn't need time alone… you needed to be away from us all so that you could harm yourself or something as equally as sinful!"

"There you go on again about my sins! It's always what I've done wrong in the Unnamed God's words!" Elphaba got off the bed; started pacing. "Why can't you just let it be for once?"

Nessa let out a heavy sigh and ran a hand through her hair in frustration. Her voice fell to a whisper and took on a far more gentle tone. "Look, I don't want to fight with you Elphaba. I just want to try and help but it's obvious now that you don't want any help from me."

"Nessie…" Elphaba's voice was choked with her barely supressed sobs. "Nessie… please…"

"Why can't you tell me what you were doing?"

"You'd hate me."

"You always say that!"

"Because it's true."

"How do you know that?"

"Because I know you Nessa… I know how you think."

"If you were drinking that wouldn't shock me… that wouldn't make me hate you."

Elphaba sat back down on Nessa's bed in defeat – turned her head away and dropped her gaze to the floor. "I wasn't drinking," she whispered.

"Then what were you doing?"

Elphaba was silent, keeping her eyes locked on the floor. Green fingers intertwined together in a desperate attempt to release nervous energy and Elphaba chewed on her lower lip to keep herself from talking.

"If you weren't drinking and you weren't having sex than what else were you doing?" Nessa asked, her question blunt and directly to the point.

"Drugs."

The whispered word was barely audible and seemed to disappear from the air has soon as Elphaba had spoken it. Her body tensed up at the confession and she strictly kept her eyes trained on the floor.

"That's all?"

Elphaba's jerked her head up to stare at her sister in shock; her fingers stopped their frantic nervous movement. "_What_?"

"You think I'm such a child," Nessa said, taking Elphaba's hand in her own again. "You think I never saw this coming. I'm not blind to your pain, I'm not blind to the path you're on right now."

"Nessie…"

"I cannot help you." Nessa smiled sadly. "And I know that. I don't understand your mind… your pain. Not like how you understand me."

"Nessie… please… just stop…"

"I don't understand you pain," Nessa said, cutting her sister off as she desperately tried to speak her mind. "But I do understand how your pain has affected me… has affected us all. You're hurting us and I don't think you see that. I don't think you truly realize how much grief you are causing us all by your actions."

Elphaba closed her eyes tightly, trying to hold back her tears. "I've never meant to hurt anyone."

"Only yourself?"

"Nessie please… why are you doing this?"

"Doing what?" Nessa asked innocently, knowing very well what she was doing. "Talking? It's what people do when they're together… they talk."

"Nessie…"

"Look Elphaba," Nessa interrupted. "I know I cannot possibly hope to understand your pain nor will you ever truly feel comfortable talking to me about it. But you need to talk to _someone_. Whether it's Glinda or Fiyero or Boq or someone else… it doesn't matter who but it needs to be someone."

"It's Fiyero," Elphaba suddenly spoke up.

"Pardon?"

"It's Fiyero… I can't talk to Glinda or Fiyero because I love Fiyero and it's those feelings that caused everything to unravel in the first place." Elphaba was on the brink of sobs now, barely holding her emotions back.

"Glinda doesn't care about that," Nessa tried to explain. "And you know just as well as me that you're just using that as an excuse to avoid having to face the real problem."

Elphaba shook her head; forcefully, violently. "I'm doing no such thing!"

"But you are!"

The oldest Thropp stood up again; returned to her nervous habit of pacing. "If the problem isn't my feelings for Fiyero then what _is_ the problem?" Elphaba snapped out.

"You've been beaten, used, and raped and never dealt with any of the pain that comes with that," Nessa replied matter-of-factly. "Nothing more."

Elphaba whirled around to face her sister. "I have dealt with it!"

"No you haven't."

"Don't tell me what I have and have not dealt with!" Elphaba was furious now; her anger reflected in the flushing of her cheeks. "You have no right to decide what is the reason for my pain and what is not!"

"I'm not deciding anything for you. I'm telling you the truth… something which you cannot, or refuse to, see."

"I am seeing the truth!" Elphaba screamed. "And the truth has nothing to do with the abuse and everything to do with Fiyero!"

"You're blinding yourself."

"You're trying to manipulate me!"

"Stop yelling, it's not helping anything."

"I can yell if I want!" Elphaba's eyes were wide, her face flushed, and her breathing came fast and irregular. "Don't tell me what to do!"

"Elphaba, please… calm down."

"Shut! Up!"

"This is exactly what I'm talking about." Nessa raised her voice slightly in an attempt to get her green sister to listen to her. "You're responding in anger to something that doesn't need anger. And you're angry because you don't want anyone to make you face the truth –"

"Shut! Up!" Elphaba interrupted, trying to silence her sister.

"– or face yourself," Nessa continued, un-phased by her sister's desperate attempts to quiet her. "You hate yourself. You hate what you've become. You cannot stand to look at yourself in the mirror anymore… can you?"

"Shut! Up!" Elphaba's voice was losing its anger – being slowly replaced by grief and self-hate.

"Why else would you have disappeared for four days? You say all you did was drugs but I know that you have no money for such things." Nessa sighed heavily. "Tell me, how did you ever manage to pay for the drugs you claimed to have done?"

"Shut up…" Elphaba dropped her gaze to the floor, her body shaking with sobs she could barely keep under control.

"You lied to me."

"I never…"

"You had sex for drugs, didn't you?"

Elphaba's whole body stiffened at Nessa's words. Her hands clenched in to fists at her side and she closed her eyes tightly to prevent her tears from escaping. She bit her bottom lip so hard to stop herself from whimpering that it started to bleed.

"Tell me the truth," Nessa whispered. "Or can you not even do that anymore?"

"Nessie… please…" Elphaba's voice was shaking, matching her trembling body. "Don't… don't make me say it."

"Tell me."

"Don't…"

"You need to face the truth of what you've become."

"Ne–" Elphaba's words fell short as she fell to her knees, burying her head in her hands. Her shoulders shook violently and her breaths came in desperate gasps. "You… you want the truth?" she stammered out. "Fine!" Her head snapped up and brown, tear-filled eyes glared at her younger sister. "I did! I had sex for drugs! Happy now?"

"I never said I would be happy."

"You hate me now, don't you!"

Nessa wheeled herself closer to her sister but Elphaba shuffled herself backwards – desperate to keep her distant from any human contact. Nessa frowned. "I don't hate you," she said. "I've never hated you."

"But I'm just one huge mistake!" Elphaba suddenly stood up; stumbled backwards a few steps. "One big wicked sin!"

"Just because I don't agree with your decisions doesn't mean that I hate you."

"It's people's decisions that make them who they are!" Elphaba's voice was frantic now. "If you hate my decisions you have to hate me too!"

"No."

"How can you say that?" Elphaba's voice became quieter – lost its angry edge – as her sister's words, her sister's message, slowly began to sink in.

"Because not all of your decisions have been wicked or sinful or full of painful mistakes."

"What hasn't been?" Elphaba's back hit the wall behind her and she slid down to sit on the floor. She drew her knees up to her chest, hugged them close to her. Her shoulders slumped forward in despair. "Everything I've done has been wrong."

"You raised me."

Elphaba frowned as she kept her eyes on the floor. "I did no such thing."

"Who do you think raised me? Father never did." Nessa wheeled herself as close to her sister as she could. "He was too busy punishing you for things you never even did wrong." Nessa held her hand out and Elphaba, after staring at it for a few moments, grasped it. With the support of her chair and Elphaba's hand Nessa managed to awkwardly – and not too gracefully – remove herself from her chair and shuffle herself to her sister's side.

"I never raised you."

"Who held me when I cried? Who soothed me when I was afraid? Who told me jokes when I was feeling sad?" Nessa grabbed a hold of Elphaba's hand and squeezed it. "It wasn't father."

"I did what any other sister would have." Elphaba turned her head away, staring at the far wall to avoid looking at her sister. "Nothing more."

"Who sang to me when I was upset?"

"Nessie…"

"I remember when I used to hear you scream. I remember when father would beat you and you would cry out in pain and fear."

"Nessie… please… don't…"

"And I remember how afterwards, instead of dealing with your own emotions and pain, you would hold me and tell me stories and say that everything was going to be alright." Nessa smiled softly, sadly. "You were so strong even then."

"I did what I had to do."

"No you didn't." Nessa placed a hand under Elphaba's chin, turned her sister's head to face her. "You did what you thought was right… what you _knew_ was right. Where has that person gone?"

"I've lost control," Elphaba whispered as she closed her eyes to stop herself from having to look at her sister. "I've lost control of everything, haven't I?"

"Not completely. Just… just a little bit."

"Why me?"

"Pardon?"

Elphaba opened her eyes, stared at her sister with such emotion and pain on her face that Nessa visibly winced. "Why has fate punished me so?" Elphaba asked quietly. "Why me?"

"Because someone has to feel the pain so that everyone else can appreciate the joy," Nessa replied as a few tears managed to escape her control and trace thin paths down her face. "And fate knew that you were strong enough to bear that pain so that the rest of us could experience the joy."

"Am I damned to live my whole life like this?"

"Elphaba… you have to understand. You _never _do anything half-heartedly. You are full of so much passion that you just throw everything you have in to what you're doing. You love wholly. You protect fiercely. You care deeply. And because of that you hurt tremendously… you heart scars easily."

"I'm weak."

"It doesn't make you weak… it makes you human."

"Why does everyone see the good in me but myself? Why can't I see it!" Elphaba's voice was choked with pain and desperation. "Why do I hate myself so much!"

"I don't know," Nessa whispered, her own voice broken with grief and despair for her sister. "I just don't know Elphaba. There are no secret answers. No promises. No final solutions."

"What are you getting at?"

"There's nothing I can say that will give you the healing you are searching for. There is no right answer when someone is fighting the demons that you are fighting. There is only hope. Hope that we, that your friends, will be able to help you to find your way to a place where you can make better decisions then the ones you are making right now."

"Your advice is that you have no answer?" Elphaba asked, clearly confused.

"You ask questions that have no answers. You search for the reason behind all your pain but there is no real reason. And that drives you insane, doesn't it? Not knowing the reason why?"

Elphaba smiled slightly and let out a small, desperate chuckle. "Yes… yes it does."

"Stop searching Elphaba. You're searching for some sort of reason, some sort of pattern, where you know there isn't any. You don't even understand why you're searching. Just stop…" Nessa had to pause, close her eyes, and collect herself. It took her a few moments but eventually she managed to get control over her emotions enough that she could speak again. "Stop searching and look around at what you already have."

Elphaba dropped her gaze to the floor again, hugged her knees closer to her body. "What do I have?"

"Can you not see what surrounds you?"

"I don't trust that what I see is the truth."

"You have friends. Friends that accept you. Friends that cherish you. Friends that love you for who you are… not what has happened to you."

"And I have you."

Nessa smiled through her tears and wrapped an arm around Elphaba's shaking shoulders; hugged her distraught sister close to her. "Yes… yes you do. And I promise to you that I will never leave."


	83. Of Arguments

_Nessa smiled through her tears and wrapped her arm around Elphaba's shaking shoulders; hugged her distraught sister close to her. "Yes… yes you do. And I promise to you that I will never leave."_

--

**Chapter Eighty-Three: Of Arguments**

When Elphaba had fallen in to a restless sleep on Nessa's bed the youngest Thropp sister flew in to action. She had quietly wheeled her way in to Madame Morrible's adjoined room and after briefly explaining the situation to the Headmistress she had asked Morrible to send for nurses and both Glinda and Fiyero.

Then she waited; sitting quietly in her chair beside her bed. She watched as Elphaba slept beneath the covers, her body shivering despite the warmth in the room, and her breathing slow and shallow.

The nurse came first; entering the room quietly. She smiled softly at Nessa to try and reassure the nervous Thropp. "How is she?" the nurse asked as she made her way towards the bed.

"She shivers," Nessa replied. "And I… I fear what her… pastimes… may have done to her."

"I cannot examine Miss Elphaba without her permission, you must know that."

"Should I wake her then?"

The nurse nodded. "I need her spoken word to do anything."

Nessa reached over the bed and gently shook her sister's shoulder. "Elphaba?" she questioned. "Elphaba, can you hear me?"

The green girl moaned in annoyance slightly before slowly opening her eyes. "What?" she muttered.

"There's a nurse here."

"What!" Elphaba jerked up to a sitting position, pulling the beddings close to her body to keep warm, and laid glaring eyes on the nurse. "What are you doing here!" she screamed.

"Elphaba… please…" Nessa begged. "Let her take a look at you."

Elphaba turned to lay flashing eyes full of anger and betrayal on her sister. "Why did you bring her here!"

"Look at yourself!" Nessa's voice rose in anger. "You're thin and shivering and if you're not already ill you're going to be very soon! And who knows what those men might have done to you!"

"I know exactly what those men did to me! I was there Nessa!"

"But it was so soon after how Avaric harmed you! Who knows how much permanent damage has been done!"

"If you brought the nurse here to examine me and tell me that I can never have children again or some other sort of shit I won't hear it!"

"You need to! You need to hear what consequences your actions have brought upon your health!"

A voice suddenly spoke up from the doorway to Nessa's room. "What is going on here?" the voice asked. "What is the meaning of this fighting?"

Elphaba turned her attention to the new person arriving in the room and her jaw slackened in shock. "Glinda?" she asked quietly. "Glinda? What are you doing here?"

A large smile grew on the blonde's face and before Elphaba even knew what had happened her roommate was on the bed and had enveloped the green girl in a tight hug. "Dear Oz Elphie!" Glinda squeeled. "I was so worried! What in Oz's name do you think you were doing running off like that and scaring us all!"

Elphaba shoved Glinda off of her and almost flew out of the bed. "Get off of me!" she screamed, hugging her arms around herself protectively. "Stop fucking with my mind!"

Glinda's face fell in hurt as she stared up at her green friend. "Elphie…" she whispered.

"I'm not an idiot! You hate me! It's my fault that you got molested and you hate me for it!"

"I don't blame you," Glinda said. "And I don't hate you."

"You always say that but then you still go off screaming at me about it all!"

Glinda stood up, tried to get closer to Elphaba but the green girl backed away from her roommate. "I was angry," the blonde tried to explain. "I didn't mean what I said."

"But you always say it!"

"When I'm angry!" Glinda took a deep breath; tried to calm herself down. "I know, rationally, that what happened wasn't your fault but sometimes when I look at you all I can see is that night and what you had to do to me."

"I'm not an idiot!" Elphaba's eyes were flashing with anger but her body language spoke of despair and grief. "I know the only reason you still claim to be my friend is because you're terrified that if you stop I'll run off and kill myself!"

"That's not true!"

"And you don't want the guilt of my death on your conscious for the rest of your life!"

"Where is this coming from?" Glinda tried again to get closer to her green friend but Elphaba continued to back away from the blonde. "I cannot even comprehend where you are getting these ideas from!"

"From how you act!"

"You make your opinions and decisions about me based on what I say in anger and during our arguments!" Glinda screamed. "And you shouldn't do that because that's when I don't think about what I'm saying!"

"The truth comes out when people think the least about what they're saying!"

"Not when it's about something like what we went through!"

"Yes it does!"

"Can you not understand how irrational this all is?" Glinda's anger faded away to grief. "Can you not see how ridiculous you are acting? I'm your friend Elphie but I'm hurting too! And sometimes I say things I don't mean when I'm upset or I feel like you're not listening!"

"Glinda!" A sharp, male voice yelled and suddenly a hand tightly grabbed a hold of the blonde's arm and tried to pull her away from Elphaba. "Stop this!"

The blonde turned to face the man holding her. "Get out of our business Fiyero!" Glinda screamed at the Vinkus prince.

"I'm not going to let you say anything more to upset Elphaba!" Fiyero shouted, his face turning red in his rage. "I'm not going to sit back and let you hurt her anymore than you already have!"

"I never meant to hurt her!"

"Yet you have!"

"Leave her alone!" Elphaba grabbed a hold of Fiyero's shoulder, tried to pull him away from Glinda but her weak body did not have the strength to do what she willed it to.

Fiyero shrugged the green girl off of him. "Let me deal with this," he growled out between clenched teeth.

"You've never been hurt like us!" Elphaba screamed. "Let us deal with this ourselves!"

Fiyero let go of Glinda and whirled around to face Elphaba directly. "I made a promise to protect you and if that means protecting you from Glinda too then so be it!"

"I don't need your protection!"

"Yes you do!"

"Stop!" Nessa screamed, cutting through the tension in the room. Her voice dropped to a desperate whisper. "Stop fighting. Stop yelling. None of you are helping the situation."

"Shut-up!' Elphaba screamed at her sister. "You know nothing about this!"

"I know that screaming at each other isn't going to make anything better," Nessa calmly replied. "And you still need to be seen by the nurse."

"I don't need a nurse!"

"Why does she need to be seen by a nurse?" Fiyero asked; his voice dropping in volume as concern overtook his anger.

"Nessa wants me to find out if I can still have children or not because she's far too over-concerned with my health!" Elphaba continued; her voice still far louder than it needed to be.

"Why wouldn't you be able to?" Glinda questioned.

"Because of what Avaric did to her," Fiyero quietly answered the blonde. "Because of the knife injury, right?"

Elphaba dropped her gaze to the floor, letting her fingers intertwine with each other in her nervousness. "That is part of the reason," she whispered.

"What's the other part?" Fiyero asked.

Elphaba shook her head. "It doesn't matter!" she screamed out, letting her anger overwhelm her so she wouldn't have to feel any other emotion. "I don't want to know anyways!"

"You need to know," Nessa said.

"No I don't!"

"You need to understand what you've done to yourself!"

"Shut-up!"

"Stop telling people that!"

"Stop trying to force me to do what you want!" Elphaba started pacing again, her breathing coming rapid and shallow. She was dangerously close to hyperventilating.

"Miss Elphaba," the nurse calmly interjected. "I know it's not really my place to say but I feel I must suggest that you try to calm yourself down."

Elphaba spun around to face the nurse and grabbed her by the arm. "Get out of here!" the green girl screamed as she dragged the nurse to the door and literally threw the terrified young woman out of Nessa's room. "Get out and stay out!" Elphaba slammed the door shut.

"That was unnecessary," Glinda said quietly. "You needn't have to be so angry with her."

"Stop," Elphaba whispered, leaning her head against the soft wood of the door. "Everyone just… just stop." Her breathing was getting faster and she had the panicked feeling that no matter how deeply she seemed to breath she couldn't get enough air in to her lungs.

"Elphie…" Glinda whispered, tears beginning to choke her voice. "Elphie… please… just let the nurse take a look at you. Nessa's right, something could be wrong."

"I'm not letting anyone touch me!" Elphaba slammed her hand against the door, the wood shaking underneath the force.

"Elphie…"

Elphaba whirled around but when she did she didn't see Nessa's room or her friends. Instead she saw the dank hotel room she had stayed in for the last four days. The dirt on the floor. The one window. The broken bed that squeaked when in use. The beddings stained with her own blood.

Her sister and her friends morphed in to the images of the men that she had let use her for payment for the drugs she had abused. She squeezed her eyes shut – trying to block out the images but unable to. She grabbed her head, pushed against it with all her might to try and alleviate the splitting headache that had developed.

"Elphie…" Glinda whispered, walking closer to her green friend but Fiyero held the blonde back.

"Don't upset her," Fiyero muttered.

Glinda frowned and she pushed Fiyero's hand off of her. She wasn't about to stay back and let her friend suffer. The blonde laid a hand on Elphaba's shoulder but the green girl violently jerked away from the touch and snapped her eyes open.

"Don't touch me!" Elphaba screamed as she stumbled backwards, hitting the wall and very nearly falling to the floor. She regained her balance just in time.

"El–"

"Leave me alone!" Elphaba's eyes were wide with fear and panic and her rapid breathing turned in to full out hyperventilating. "Get away from me!"

"Elphaba…" Fiyero whispered. "Elphaba… please…"

"Don't touch me!"

"No one's touching you Elphaba," Fiyero said, trying to reassure and calm down the distraught green girl.

"Please…" Elphaba muttered, sliding down the wall to sit on the floor. She hugged her knees to her chest. "Please… stop it… it… it hurts."

Fiyero kneeled down in front of Elphaba. "You have to breath, okay? Can you do that for me?"

Elphaba closed her eyes tightly and shrunk even further in to herself to try and put distance between herself and Fiyero. She shook her head slightly. "Go," she choked out as her skin began to take on a slight blue tinge from the lack of oxygen. She had stopped breathing altogether as her hyperventilating panic turned in to debilitating terror.

"Just breath," Fiyero coaxed. "In and out… deep breaths. Please, can you do that?"

"Is she dying?" Glinda screeched out in fear. "Fiyero! Help her!"

"Shut-up!" Fiyero growled out. "Let me deal with her!"

"Is she going to die?"

Fiyero twisted around to face the blonde. "She's not dying!" he screamed. "Now stop talking and let me calm her down!" He turned back around to face Elphaba but as soon as he laid eyes on the green girl he knew that there was nothing he could do.

Elphaba eyes jerked open as she realized how little oxygen was left in her body. But even though she now knew she had to breath she could no longer force her body to respond to her mind's commands. Her eyes went wide in horror as she felt like she was dying.

Then darkness took her.

Elphaba slumped forward as unconsciousness stole her away from the waking world. Fiyero caught her now limp body and carefully cradled her thin frame close to him. "Elphaba?" he asked quietly as he placed his fingers on the base of her neck to check for her pulse. He let out a huge sigh of relief as he felt the steady pulse of Elphaba's beating heart beneath his fingers.

"Fiyero?" Glinda questioned. "Is she –?"

"She's going to be fine," Fiyero replied as he pushed a few strands of hair off of Elphaba's face. "Well… as fine as she can be at the moment."

"What was that?" Nessa asked.

"She had a panic attack," Fiyero replied as she slowly stood up, balancing the far too light Elphaba in his arms. He carried the unconscious green girl to Nessa'a bed and laid her down.

"Is this common for her?"

"Not common but not altogether surprising either." Fiyero replied to Nessa's question as he pulled the bedding over Elphaba's shivering body and frowned at the sight of the weak green form. "She's not healthy."

"I don't think she's ever really been healthy," Nessa whispered as she wheeled herself closer to her bed – closer to her sister.

"She's going to get ill if she keeps this up."

"She's already ill," Glinda spoke up. "Just look at her."

"Does she even eat?" Nessa wondered out loud.

Both Fiyero and Glinda shrugged. "She told me once that she often chooses not to eat just because of the hunger pains she gets," Fiyero muttered. "Especially when we were keeping her from harming herself."

Glinda frowned. "That's not healthy."

"She's not healthy," Nessa said.

The three friends fell silent as they simply just watched Elphaba's still form. Glinda had to close her eyes to keep her tears in check but she found herself unable to. Soon the salty liquid was coursing down her face as she found the emotion welling up inside of her beginning to overwhelm her.

"You should take her back to our room," Glinda whispered, addressing Fiyero.

The Vinkus prince slowly raised his eyes from Elphaba to look at the blonde. "No," he simply replied.

Glinda frowned in confusion. "Why not?"

"You'll only upset her."

Glinda's cheeks flushed with anger. "I will do no such thing!"

"I know you don't mean to," Fiyero replied calmly. "But you do and I cannot let that happen."

"You're not Elphaba's father!" Glinda screamed, her anger growing. "You have no right to be the final decision maker for her life!"

"I'm the only one here you seems to have any ability to think rationally anymore."

"You only think that!" Glinda crossed the few steps between herself and Fiyero. "But that does not make it true!"

The loud ringing of palm meeting cheek echoed in the room before Glinda lowered her arm and stormed out of Nessa's room – slamming the door behind her. Fiyero slowly raised his hand and rubbed his cheek where Glinda's hand had made contact.

"Emotions are running high today," Nessa whispered as she continued to keep her eyes locked on her sister.

"Yes," Fiyero replied. "Yes they are."

Nessa slowly turned her head to look at the Vinkus prince. "I appreciate all you've done but you should go now."

Fiyero nodded, seemingly understanding Nessa's need to be alone with her sister. He slowly left – making sure to keep his movements quiet so as not to awaken Elphaba.

Alone in her room with no one but her unconscious sister to keep her company Nessa slumped in to her chair in emotional exhaustion and physical fatigue. The tears came then, slowly but surely. She desperately wished she knew what to do.

Nessarose desperately wished she could fix her sister's broken soul.


	84. The Decision

_Nessarose desperately wished she could fix her sister's broken soul._

--

**Chapter Eighty-Four: The Decision**

Elphaba woke up in the middle of the night. The darkness surrounding her was suffocating. It took her a few minutes to register where she was and it was only when she saw her sister sleeping in her chair did the green girl fully comprehend where she was.

She slowly pushed the sheets away from her and got out of Nessa's bed. Her body shook uncontrollable and even though she knew she had been sleeping for hours she still felt exhausted.

She was slowly starving to death.

Elphaba was forced to close her eyes to still her spinning vision and place a hand on Nessa's nightstand to steady her wavering balance. After a few moments she felt strong enough to continue.

She carefully slid her hands underneath Nessa's small body and lifted her sleeping sister up. She managed, just barely, to lay her sister on the bed and pull the covers over her.

Elphaba hastily scribbled a note on a discarded piece of parchment about where she had gone and left it on the nightstand so that her sister wouldn't worry. As quietly as she could she left the room and made her way back to her own shared dorm room. When she finally managed to stumble her way to her room she stood outside of it for just over six minutes before she managed to will up the strength to enter.

She tried to doorknob and was surprised to find that it was open. She closed the door behind her and just stood in the room for a few moments as she let her eyes adjust to the dim light. She noticed that the window was opened slightly – as if Glinda had been prepared for her return – and that her bedding was folded back neatly, welcomingly.

But Elphaba did not head towards her own bed. Instead she made her way towards Glinda bed where she slowly crawled in to the empty sheets.

The blonde wasn't there.

Elphaba buried her head in a pink, frilly pillow and cried. Letting the soft fabric soak up the water that would otherwise burn her. The salty liquid still managed to burn her green skin but just barely.

She waited.

Elphaba did not know how long she waited but eventually she heard the door open and then shut. She opened one eye to peer at the lithe frame of Glinda Upland as she stumbled towards her bed.

The green girl slowly sat up, keeping her eyes locked on her roommate. Glinda laid hazy, drunken blue eyes on the green girl in her bed.

"You've been drinking," Elphaba stated simply.

"No… no worse dan whad… whad you done," Glinda stammered out.

"Go to sleep Glinda."

"I dink I… I pregnand."

Elphaba was standing in a second; had Glinda by the hand. "What makes you think that?" she asked as she sat the inebriated blonde on her bed and tried to ignore her own shock.

"I late."

Elphaba swallowed around the lump in her throat. "Late?"

"I… I bleed da… da lasd week of… of da month." Glinda leaned her head against Elphaba's shoulder. "I missed da lasd one. I… never miss."

Elphaba frowned. "That doesn't mean you're pregnant."

"Whad else coud id mean?"

"Sometimes stress can cause women to miss their time."

Glinda stiffly shook her head. "I pregnand."

"Do you know who the father is? I mean… if you are pregnant."

"Fiyero."

Elphaba's whole body stiffened at Glinda's words but she tried to calm herself down. Fiyero wasn't her boyfriend. Fiyero wasn't hers. It made complete sense that the Vinkus prince and Glinda would be intimate together – after all, they were lovers.

"If you think you're pregnant then why were you drinking?" Elphaba asked quietly, making sure to keep her voice void of an accusational tone.

Glinda shrugged slightly.

"Are you trying to kill the child?"

"Maybe."

Elphaba wrapped an arm around Glinda's shoulders and pulled the blonde closer to her. "Do you want me to tell Fiyero?"

"Nod… nod really."

Elphaba nodded. "Go to sleep, okay? I'll deal with everything."

"Are you… are you mad ad me?"

Elphaba eyes narrowed in confusion. "Of course not. Why ever would I be?"

"Be… because I fucked up." Glinda chuckled at her own choice of words as she began to sober up slightly. "Literally."

"No you never."

"I too young to have a… a baby."

"I know. Just let me handle it, okay? Trust me."

Glinda nodded, letting Elphaba gently push her down on the bed and pull the covers over her. "I knew you… you fixed id."

Elphaba smiled sadly and waited until her blonde roommate fell asleep. She looked out the window and estimated the time to be around four in the morning. The green girl stood up; making sure to move slowly so that her vision would not spin with the force of her exhaustion and malnourishment.

She wrote a carefully worded note describing that she had gone to the nearby town to gather what she need to 'fix' Glinda's new problem. She waited around for about an hour before grabbing her coat and leaving. She made sure to watch for teachers and students but no one else was up at such an early hour except the carriage driver.

Half an hour later Elphaba found herself standing in front of the very store she had stood in front of so long ago. Its yellow sign with the silver writing – _The Herbal House: Ancient Herbal Healing_ – seemed to mock her and the decision she was making. She took a deep breath and opened the door; wincing at the cheery sound of the bell ringing above her head to signal her entrance.

The same old lady that had waited on her all that time ago came shuffling from the back of the store. When she saw Elphaba she smiled warmly; clearly remembering the green customer from her first visit.

"Have you got yourself in trouble again, dearie?" the old woman drawled out.

Elphaba shook her head, her fingers intertwining together in nervousness. "I'm here for a friend," she replied quietly.

"A friend?"

"She's… she's found herself in trouble and she asked me to… to help her fix it."

"Did she ask for you to get her pennyroyal or are you hoping to sneak it in to her tea without her knowledge?"

"She asked me to deal with it." Elphaba dropped her eyes to the floor, unable to look at the old woman's accusing eyes. "She never gave me any specific instructions."

"Are you prepared to deal with the guilt of killing her child?"

Elphaba's head jerked up in anger. "Are you going to sell me the pennyroyal or not?" she snapped out. "Because I don't have the patience to examine my own consciousness and moralities right now!"

The old woman's features softened and her eyes took on a sense of pity. "You understand what you're doing."

"Of course I do! How could I not!"

The woman turned around and disappeared through a door near the back of the store. Moments later she returned with a small bottle, identical to the one she had sold Elphaba the first time, and handed it over to the green girl.

Elphaba fished through her coat pocket and pulled out a handful of coins. She didn't bother to count them and she knew she was overpaying for the poisonous oil but she did not care. She just wanted to get out of the suffocating atmosphere of the store and the old woman's accusing glare. Her green hands shook as she dropped the pile of coins in to the old woman's outstretched hand.

Elphaba turned to leave but the old woman grabbed her hand and stopped her fleeing movement. Elphaba stiffened at the touch and she slowly turned around to meet the woman's searching gaze.

"You're doing the right thing."

Elphaba's whole body tensed at the woman's words before she dropped her eyes to the floor. Her cheeks flushed a slightly darker green in shame and her throat suddenly became dry. "Not everyone would agree with you," she whispered.

"Not everyone else needs to know."

Elphaba nodded. "Thank you," she whispered before slowly pulling her hand out of the old woman's grasp and disappearing through the door.

And then, just like before, she ran.


	85. The Sin

_And then, just like before, she ran._

--

**Chapter Eighty-Five: The Sin**

When Elphaba returned to her dorm room it wasn't quite nine in the morning. Glinda was still sleeping and the green girl gently placed the pot of tea she had requested from the kitchen on the blonde's vanity. From her pocket she pulled out the small bottle of pennyroyal and unscrewed it. Carefully she opened the top of the teapot and poured nearly half of the poisonous herbal oil – she didn't know when she would next get the chance to sneak it in to Glinda's drink – in to the freshly brewed tea and then replaced the lid.

She stuffed the bottle of pennyroyal underneath her pillow and tried to pretend like she hadn't just done what she had.

Elphaba made her way over to Glinda's bed and gently shook the blonde. "Time to wake up," she said.

Glinda muttered something incomprehensible as she swatted Elphaba away. "Sleep."

"You need to take a pregnancy test."

Glinda's eyes snapped open at Elphaba's words and her mouth opened slightly in shock. "How… how do you know?" she stammered out.

"You told me when you were drunk," Elphaba explained. "Now I still have a test left over from when I was pregnant… you should take one."

Glinda slowly sat up. "There's a test?" she asked in confusion.

"It's rather new but yes, there is a test."

The blonde frowned, playing with her bedding in nervousness as she tried to distract herself. "I shouldn't have been drinking," she whispered.

"No," Elphaba replied as she sat herself down beside the blonde. "No, you shouldn't have been."

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For dragging you in to this. I… I shouldn't have told you."

Elphaba grabbed a hold of Glinda's hand and squeezed it gently. "You helped me deal with my pregnancy back when we weren't even really friends," Elphaba whispered; trying hard to keep herself from crying at the memory. "It's only right that I help you through this."

"Maybe the test will just be negative and we can just forget that all of this even happened."

"Maybe."

"Where is this test you speak of anyways?" Glinda asked. "I should take it now."

"Are you sure you're ready?"

"I have to know."

"If it's positive you're life will change drastically."

"I know."

"Will you keep the child?"

Glinda let out a heavy sigh. "What you did was a sin."

"You've told me that before."

"I could never make the same decision that you did."

"You cannot be sure of that."

"No Elphie." Glinda looked up at her green friend; her blue eyes were full of conviction and determination. "I could never end someone's life… especially my own child's. _That_ I do know."

Elphaba turned her head away to hide the shame and guilt that she knew was showing on her face. "The test is in the bathroom," she whispered as she slowly slid off the bed and led the blonde to the bathroom. She rummaged through one of the lower drawers in the vanity until she pulled out a small stick-like object. She handed it to Glinda.

"This is the test?" the blonde asked in confusion. "What am I suppose to do with it?"

"You pee on it."

"_What_?"

Elphaba smiled at the shocked look on Glinda's face. "You pee on it then you wait around ten to fifteen minutes. After that, if you're pregnant, two pink lines will appear."

"And if I'm not?"

"Only one will appear."

Glinda nodded slightly as she stared at the small device in her hand. "I never knew this sort of test existed."

"It's new," Elphaba explained. "I believe it was developed with the knowledge and magic that the Wizard brought when he overthrew the Ozma regime."

"Oh."

"Are you sure you want to know now?"

"I have no other choice."

"You could wait and see if you are simply late. Who knows… it might have just been the stress that caused you not to bleed the last time."

"Is it worth it?"

"What do you mean?"

"Is it worth it to wait?" Glinda repeated. "You waited, did you not? Was it worth it?"

Elphaba closed her eyes, remembering back to the terror and panic she had lived with for what seemed like years when she had tried to deny to herself that she was pregnant. "No," she finally whispered. "No… it's not worth it."

Glinda nodded as she pushed Elphaba out the bathroom. "That's what I thought," the blonde said. "Now leave me to take the test."

Elphaba stood outside of the now shut bathroom door and waited for Glinda to finish. It took less than a minute before the door was flung open and the blonde stood before Elphaba shaking and with a look of utter fear on her face. She shoved the small test in to a green hand and then silently walked past the stunned Elphaba.

"Glinda?" Elphaba questioned as she slowly turned around. "What is the meaning of this?"

The blonde sat down on her bed; played with the sheets to distract herself. "I can't do it."

"Do what?"

"Look at the test."

"You… you want me to tell you the results?" Elphaba stammered out as she found that she could not move from her place near the bathroom door.

Glinda nodded.

Elphaba looked from Glinda to the test in her hand and then back to Glinda. "You should do it."

"I can't."

"It's your body… it's… it's _your_ child!"

"Elphie… please…"

The green girl brought the test she held closer to her face. It hadn't yet been ten minutes so the results were not showing but just the fact that Glinda had given her the responsibility of the test made her nauseous.

Glinda trusted her.

Elphaba stood awkwardly, frozen by her shock and the guilt coursing through her. "What do you want to do for the next ten minutes then?"

"I'm sorry."

Elphaba looked up from the test she held to lay eyes on the nervous blonde. "Sorry?"

"For yelling at you." Glinda's words came out in one rushed garble. "I'm sorry for making you think that I hate you for what that man did to us. I'm so sorry! I never meant that! I just… I just get angry sometimes and I don't pay attention to what I'm saying! Please Elphie! I'm so very, very sorry!"

Elphaba closed her hand around the test she held and made her way to Glinda's side. She sat down beside the blonde. "I know."

"But you said–"

"I was upset and angry at myself, not you."

"So you… you mean that–"

"We both said things we didn't mean," Elphaba interrupted the blonde. "We both said things we regret."

"I'm sorry."

"I am too."

"Friends?" Glinda asked quietly.

"We never stopped being friends."

Glinda nodded, keeping her eyes on the floor as she continued to twist the bedding in her hands. "The test?" she asked quietly.

Elphaba opened her fist and looked down at the test. She knew it hadn't been long enough for the test to show the results but she had made her decision. "It's negative," she lied, bringing the test closer to her face to try and make it seem like she was really looking at it.

"Are you sure?"

Elphaba smiled slightly as she stared at the blank test. "Positive."

Glinda looked up towards the green girl; returned Elphaba's smile. "Nice choice of words," the blonde whispered.

"That's what I thought."

"So… it really is negative? I'm not pregnant."

Elphaba had never been one for lying or acting false but she knew she had to do this for Glinda. She knew she had to pull of this lie to keep her blonde friend's life from falling apart.

"Elphie?"

The green girl nodded slightly. "You're _not_ pregnant," she said, not really knowing if she was speaking the truth or not. She stood up and made her way to the bathroom. She dropped the used test in the wastebasket and returned to her blonde friend's side on the bed.

Glinda leaned her head against Elphaba's shoulder and a green hand clasped Glinda's in support and comfort. "Thank you," the blonde whispered as she let her eyes slide shut.

"For what?"

"Not judging me."

Elphaba let out a small sigh and the green hand not holding Glinda's hand rubbed soothing circles over the blonde's back. "Why would I judge you?"

Glinda shrugged. "I know you love Fiyero," she said. "I know how hard it would have been for you to see me pregnant with his child."

Elphaba felt her stomach twist in on itself as disgust at her own actions coursed through her. The thought that the child that could possibly be within Glinda was Fiyero's had not even crossed her mind but now she feared that the decision she had made was subconsciously done just for that fact alone.

_Am I really killing this possible child just because it's Fiyero?_ she thought to herself in horror.

Elphaba's face must have reflected her thoughts because Glinda was looking at her in concern. "Elphie, is something wrong?" the blonde asked.

The green girl shook her head slightly to clear her thoughts. "I'm fine," she replied. "Do you want some tea?"

"There's tea?"

Elphaba nodded and then slowly stood up. The room spun around her for a few seconds but after blinking a couple of times she managed to get her nausea and exhaustion under control. She made her way to Glinda's vanity and poured the blonde a mug of tea. She turned around and handed the cup full of steaming liquid to Glinda. The blonde took it gratefully.

"I couldn't taste it to see how strong it was so I hope it's okay."

"Why not?" Glinda asked before quickly realizing the stupidity of the question. "Oh yah, the water," she corrected herself. "Sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry about," Elphaba said as she sat down besides the blonde again. She waited, with baited breath, as Glinda raised the cup to her mouth and took a sip. And then another. One more.

Elphaba looked away from the blonde and instead chose to stare at the ground. She felt the sudden urge to tear the mug away from Glinda's pale grasp to save the child that may or may not be growing inside of the blonde.

But she resisted. She shifted her gaze from the floor to her green hands; they were shaking slightly on her lap. What she was doing was murder and she knew that – she hated herself for it. But she couldn't bring herself to watch Glinda's life crumble away due to an unexpected pregnancy. Elphaba knew that the blonde would not have the heart, nor the lack of moralities, to end the pregnancy herself so Elphaba was forcing herself to do it for the blonde.

The green girl could feel the tingling of bile at the back of her throat and she barely made it to the bathroom in time. She kneeled down on the tile floor, clutching the commode in desperation as her body forced her to empty out the contents of her stomach. Nothing came up but liquids and bile and soon her retching turned in to dry heaves that lasted for eight long minutes.

Glinda had her hand on Elphaba's back to try and soothe her but it helped little. When the dry heaves finally stopped the green girl slowly turned around to face Glinda and smiled but it was forced and both of them knew that.

"You're ill," Glinda stated simply.

Elphaba shook her head; knowing that what had just happened was her body's physical reaction to the disgust, guilt, and hate bubbling inside her over what she had just done to her friend. She dearly wished she could tell someone but she knew she couldn't. She had to keep her horrific actions to herself – no one else could know.

"You need to take care of yourself better," Glinda said as she gently took a green hand in her own and began to help her friend stand up.

Elphaba's body suddenly stiffened as she caught sight of the used pregnancy test in the wastebasket. Her mouth opened slightly in horror towards herself as she saw the results she had hoped she would be able to be ignorant of.

Two pink lines stared up at her; mocking, accusing, and making her hate herself even more than she already did.

"Elphie?" Glinda laid her other hand on Elphaba's back and gently pulled her now unmoving friend up. "Elphie? What's wrong? What happened?" The blonde's voice held a hint of fear but she desperately tried to hide it for Elphaba's sake.

"It… it's nothing," Elphaba stammered out, unable to tear her eyes away from the two pink lines. She knew now, without a doubt, that she had just killed the baby residing within her best friend. She felt sick.

Glinda led Elphaba to her bed and sat the green girl down. "Elphie?" she questioned again, sitting down beside Elphaba and taking a green hand in her own. "Elphie… what's wrong?"

Elphaba shook her head, trying to clear her thoughts but finding that she could not, and turned her head away from Glinda. "I feel nauseous," she muttered.

"Do you want me to get you something?" Glinda asked gently. "Some soup or something?"

"I'm not hungry."

"Of course you're not." Glinda let out a heavy sigh as she squeezed Elphaba's hand.

"What is that suppose to mean?" Elphaba's tone was biting, angry.

"Nevermind." Glinda stood up, grabbed her mug of tea where she had left it on her vanity and took another sip. Elphaba winced as she watched Glinda drink; knowing that the blonde was unaware that with every swallow she was killing the unborn child she didn't think she was carrying. "Do you want some milk instead?" Glinda asked, replacing her cup on the vanity.

Elphaba nodded slightly as she let her hands twist around themselves. "I would like that," she said even though the last thing she felt like was having any sort of substance in her stomach. In reality all she wanted was to get Glinda out of their dorm room.

All she wanted was to be alone.

"I'll be back in a few minutes then," Glinda said. "Do you want your milk cold or warm?"

"Warm please."

Elphaba looked up from staring at her hands only when she heard the door being shut behind Glinda. The green girl stood up slowly and walked over to the abandoned mug of tea that Glinda had left behind. It was nearly empty and Elphaba stared at the liquid inside of it, knowing the poison that it held.

The mug crashed against the wall, breaking in to thousands of tiny pieces. The liquid that still remained in the cup splattered against the wall, staining it. A few drops made their way back towards Elphaba and landed on her clothes, her hands, and even her face. The hot liquid burned her skin and she quickly wiped it away with a discarded cloth left on the vanity.

She collapsed to the floor, pressing the cloth against her face as salty tears escaped from her eyes. She felt the weight of the guilt of murder crashing down on her; swallowing her heart and crushing it. She could smell the tea; its scent wafting through the room now that it was free from the confines of the mug. It made her stomach twist on itself – caused her the dry heave.

Elphaba dropped the cloth to the ground and managed to crawl her way to the floorboard that hid her whiskey beneath it. Her fingernails clawed at the edge of the loose board as she mumbled out the necessary words needed to release it from its magickal confines. Once the floorboard was removed she blindly reached in to the darkness below and felt around for what she so desperately needed. She shoved the whiskey bottle aside and tightly grasped around a smooth handle.

The knife she pulled out was old, dull, and dirty. It shook in her grasp as she stared at it – debating whether or not to do the deed she felt she deserved.

Blood pooled on the floor and Elphaba had the vague feeling of pain crawling up her arm. She shifted her eyes from the small puddle of blood on the floor to her arm. The knife had dug in to her skin, piercing flesh.

She could not remember hurting herself.

The knife echoed throughout the small dorm room as it made contact with the wooden floor. Elphaba clutched on to Glinda's vanity – used it to help her stand. Long gashes ran down her arm. Bleeding. Staining the floor and anything she touched. Betraying to the world what she had done to herself without even realizing it.

She stumbled to the bathroom, the room spinning around her, and franticly searched through drawers until she found a towel. She pressed the fabric against her arm, desperately trying to stop the flow of blood. It seemed to pour from her and she was terrified that she had dug too deep – that this time the blood would not clot.

The dorm room door opened, Elphaba could hear it squeaking ever-so-slightly on its hinges. "Elphie?" Glinda asked quietly and Elphaba had to close her eyes against the new wave of tears that threatened to break through her self-control.

"Elphie!" Glinda was beside Elphaba in a moment. The glass of milk shattering against the floor as the blonde dropped it in her shock and concern. "Oh, oh, Elphie," Glinda whispered, taking the towel from Elphaba's grasp and pushing it against the self-inflicted wounds herself. "Elphie… why?"

"I'm sorry," Elphaba muttered, keeping her eyes on the floor. "I'm so sorry."

"Whatever for?" Glinda frowned at the speed in which the blood was soaking the towel.

"I… I didn't want to do it."

"Do what?" Glinda looked up at Elphaba when the green girl did not respond. "Elphie… what did you do?"

Elphaba's body shuddered and she turned her head to meet Glinda's eyes. She opened her mouth, meaning to spill her secret – to tell the blonde of how she had just poisoned her and killed her unborn child.

But she couldn't.

Elphaba could not speak the truth. She could not bring herself to utter the words that she knew would destroy her friendship with Glinda forever. And the guilt of her horrible decision, of her terrible sin, seemed to squeeze her heart in to dust. She closed her eyes against the despair and hate coursing through her body as she tried to rationalize that she was not a murderer even though she knew, she truly knew, that she was.

"Elphie…" Glinda's voice was high-pitched with panic and concern. "Elphie… something's wrong. Something's bothering you. What is it?"

"You can never know," Elphaba whispered, dropping her gaze to the floor again. "No one can ever know."

"El–"

"I'm sorry!" Elphaba snapped out as she wretched her arm away from Glinda's grasp. "I had to do it and I'm so sorry!" She stumbled backwards, stopping only when her back met the fabric of the shower curtain. "Please…" Her voice was choked with sobs and weak with emotion. "Please… please… forgive me."

"I forgive you," Glinda whispered, slowly making her way towards her green friend. "I forgive you for whatever you have done."

"If you knew what it was you wouldn't forgive me!"

"But I don't," Glinda said. "I don't know so I _do_ forgive you. Is that not enough?"

"I never wanted to be a murderer."

Glinda's brow furrowed in confusion. "Elphie… Elphie, you're not a murderer!"

"I don't deserve to be your friend."

"Don't say that!" Glinda was at Elphaba's side again and took a green hand in her own. "You're a great friend Elphie. You're so much stronger then I am."

"Stronger?" Elphaba shook her head; the action causing her vision to swim. "I'm not strong."

"Elphie…"

"I take the easy way out," Elphaba muttered. "I always have. Even now I am."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm sorry Glinda." Elphaba's voice was quiet and yet urgent. "I'm so very, very sorry!"

"I know you are Elphie." Glinda tried to lead her distraught friend out of the bathroom but Elphaba would not be moved. "I know you're sorry but… but why?"

"I… I… I kille–" Elphaba's words fell short as darkness overtook her before she could speak of the horrible sin she had committed. The sin that the green girl knew would haunt her for the rest of her life.

A sin that would haunt her far more than any other sin that had been committed by her, or even to her, ever would.


	86. The Truth

_A sin that would haunt her far more than any other sin that had been committed by her, or even to her, ever would._

--

**Chapter Eighty-Six: The Truth**

Elphaba was jerked awake by the sound of a loud crash nearby. It took her a few moments to blink away her unconsciousness but when she did she very nearly screamed out in shock at what she saw.

Glinda was crumpled on the floor. The vanity chair had been knocked over, along with multiple bottles of make-up, hairspray, and other knickknacks of the blonde's, and Fiyero was kneeling down beside Glinda as he desperately tried to get her to respond. Glinda, however, was shrunk in to herself – assuming the fetal position – and her face was pained. Something was terribly wrong.

Elphaba sat up and slid off her bed; keeping her movements slow to try and still her spinning vision. "Fiyero?" she quietly asked.

The Vinkus prince spun around to face the green girl. "What are you doing up?" he spat out, his fear for Glinda's health causing his temper to be short.

"I woke up," Elphaba explained.

"You're ill." Fiyero was frustrated, upset, and feeling completely useless as he had no idea what was wrong with Glinda. "You need to stay in bed. You need to rest and eat. You _need_ to get your weight up!"

"I'm fine," Elphaba muttered. She opened her mouth to speak some more but fell silent as her bare foot made contact with something thick and sticky on the floor. She slowly dropped her gaze to find that she had stepped in a small pool of blood that was quickly getting larger.

She followed the path of the blood to find that it was coming from her blonde roommate.

Suddenly everything came back to her – the memories hammering in to her mind. She knew exactly what was happening to Glinda. She knew exactly what was wrong. And she knew that Fiyero could not be here to find out what was going on.

So Elphaba grabbed Fiyero's arm and roughly pulled him up. She dragged him from the room and threw him out. The Vinkus prince was so shocked that he could not even find it within himself to fight back.

"I know what's wrong with Glinda," Elphaba spat out, her voice far too high pitched for Fiyero's liking. "And it's a woman issue. Let me deal with it!"

"But… but…"

"I'll send for you when I've dealt with it!" Elphaba slammed the door shut and locked it, preventing Fiyero from getting back in to their dorm room without using the window or some other strange method.

The green girl kneeled down beside Glinda and gently laid a hand on her shoulder. "Glinda," she whispered quietly. "Glinda, can you hear me?"

A small moan escaped the blonde's mouth as she tried to swat Elphaba's hand away. "It hurts," she mumbled.

"Your stomach?"

"How… how did you know?"

Elphaba ignored Glinda's question and instead carefully picked up the blonde and laid her on her own bed.

"This isn't my bed," Glinda observed as Elphaba pulled her sheets away from her bleeding friend.

"My beddings brown," Elphaba explained. "Blood stains don't show up as much as they would on your bedding."

"I'm bleeding?" Glinda's eyes snapped open in horror. "Elphie… what's wrong with me!"

Elphaba ignored Glinda's question again and disappeared in to the bathroom. She returned with an armful of towels and quickly set to work arranging them around Glinda's bleeding body. Slowly, carefully, she gently pushed Glinda's knees away from the blonde's chest even though she knew it was hurting the blonde.

Glinda let her. She squeezed her eyes shut against the pain but she trusted her green friend and let Elphaba touch her and move her body in ways that she would not let anyone else do – especially so near to her most private area.

Elphaba gently pulled away Glinda's blood-stained and now useless undergarments and just dropped them on the floor.

"Elphie…" Glinda's voice was meek and she whimpered against her pain. "Elphie… what is wrong with me?"

Elphaba closed her eyes against her tears as she placed a towel against Glinda's most private area to try and soak up the blood that seemed to pour from her. "I… I…" Elphaba took a deep breath to calm herself down; it didn't work. "I think you're having a miscarriage!" she blurted out.

Glinda gasped in horror at Elphaba's words. The blonde propped herself up on her elbows and just stared at her green friend. Her eyes were wide and her mouth opened slightly in shock. "But… but the test!"

Elphaba dropped her gaze to her trembling hands that held the towel close to Glinda's body. "I don't know Glinda… I don't know why it was negative," she lied.

"Was it really negative?"

Elphaba's head jerked up and she met Glinda's tearful, pain-filled gaze. "Yes!" Elphaba said; her voice a little too loud and a little too high pitched. "Why would I have lied about that!"

"Then why was the test a wrong result?"

"I don't know!" Elphaba screamed, her emotions running far too high for her to keep herself in control. "Maybe the child was already dead? Maybe the test was just wrong? I don't know Glinda! Stop asking me questions I don't know the answers too!"

Glinda opened her mouth to reply but instead of words a scream was torn from her throat. Her back arched up to try and find a release for the sudden pressure and pain radiating from her abdomen.

Elphaba grabbed Glinda's hand in her own and squeezed it in support and comfort. She knew that there was nothing she could do but help Glinda wait her way threw the worst of the pain. All Elphaba wished for was that Glinda's child was not far enough along to be anything more than blood and fluid and perhaps a small mass of something unrecognizable.

Elphaba sat herself down on the edge of her bed and just held Glinda's hand. The blonde tried her best to keep herself still through her pain but her attempts were futile. For just under three hours Elphaba held Glinda's hand and tried to keep her blonde friend distracted until the pain finally dulled. Glinda's body relaxed in to Elphaba's bed and the blonde simply stared up at the ceiling for a very long time.

"Is it over?" Glinda asked, her voice quiet yet impossibly loud in the silent room.

"Does it hurt anymore?"

"Not really."

Elphaba slowly stood up and made her way to the foot of her bed. She slowly peeled back the blood-soaked towel she had placed against Glinda's private area to find that the blood had finally stopped flowing.

"It's over," Elphaba stated simply. She collected the blood-stained towels on the bed and piled them on the floor. She didn't bother to look through the towels to see if there was anything that sort of resembled any sort of still-born child because she knew she would not be able to keep her emotions in control if she saw such a thing.

Elphaba disappeared in to the bathroom for the second time since Glinda's miscarriage had started. Glinda heard the running of the tap for a few moments before Elphaba returned with a small bucket full of water and a cloth. She set the bucket down on the bed and carefully dabbed the cloth in the water it held.

She winced as some of the water made contact with her skin and burnt it but she ignored the pain.

As carefully and as gently as she could Elphaba cleaned the blood that was drying on Glinda's thighs and her most private area. The blonde stiffened at the touch but did not resist nor pull away from Elphaba.

"You're keeping something from me," Glinda whispered.

Elphaba stayed silent as she finished up cleaning the blood and put the bucket down on the floor. The green girl pulled her bedding back over Glinda to cover the shivering blonde. "I'm doing no such thing," Elphaba finally replied.

Glinda's eyes were tightly shut. "I'm not an idiot. You've acted this whole time like you were expecting this."

"Glinda…"

"Bring me the test." Glinda opened her eyes and stared at Elphaba. Her blue eyes were pleading. "Please… bring me the used test."

"Glinda… it wouldn't be showing the results anymore."

"Elphie…" Glinda kept her eyes locked on her green friend. "Elphie… please."

Elphaba stumbled backwards a few feet, her eyes widening in horror. Her words tumbled out of her mouth before she could stop them. "It was positive!" she screamed, tears glistening in her eyes. "I lied and I'm so sorry! I was just trying to help you!"

"The tea," Glinda muttered; letting her eyes slide shut again. Tears now coursed down her pale face. "You put something in the tea, didn't you?"

"Glinda please!" Elphaba was frantic now. "I was just trying to help you!"

"You killed my child." Glinda's voice was choked, her heart felt broken. "You killed my child even though you knew that that was the last thing I ever wanted."

"I couldn't just stand back and watch your life crumble away because of a pregnancy!"

"It wasn't your right to make that decision for me."

"My only desire was to help you!"

"You betrayed me." Glinda found it hard to speak around the lump in her throat. "You… you murdered my child. And you be… betrayed my trust."

"You have to understand!"

Glinda opened her eyes and looked at her green roommate. She brushed at her tears but it was a useless attempt as just more tears took their place. "I understand just perfectly," she said quietly.

"Glinda…"

"Get out."

Elphaba's mouth opened in shock and horror. "Pardon?" she asked, not sure she had heard the blonde correctly.

"Get out of here!" Glinda's voice was suddenly loud and full of conviction. "Get out before I say something I really do regret!"

The green girl nodded slowly. "I… I'm sorry."

"Get out!"

Then Elphaba was gone, the door slamming behind her. She ran – not caring where she ended up. She only stopped running when she reached Suicide Canal. She began walking along its edge; hugging her arms around herself to try and keep her body warm. She desperately wanted to keep her mind blank and void of any thoughts but she could not.

Fear was coursing through her. Fear that her friendship with Glinda was now destroyed. Fear that once Fiyero learned of what she had done he would hate her. Fear that she really was nothing more than a selfish murderer.

She feared that subconsciously she had killed Glinda's child simply because the father was Fiyero. She feared that she really was that selfish, that bitter, and that spiteful.

Elphaba Thropp was terrified that she was nothing more than a horrible monster.


	87. Of Guilt, Of Regret, Of Hate

**_Author's Note: _**_So basically, to tell the truth, I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to write my way out of this mess. Elphaba just had to go and decide she wanted to kill Glinda's child without consulting me first! And Glinda just had to go behind my back and get pregnant in the first place! Damn my characters for taking on a life of their own! This story wasn't suppose to go down this path but NO – those__ two witches just had to go and spoil everything. And seriously Elphaba, why did you decide that secrectly murdering someone else's unborn child was a good idea? You baffle me sometimes!_

_Okay, enough of the rambling. Let's just end this by saying that I'm basically flying by the seat of my pants even more so than normal as I try to write the next few chapters (or twenty, however many it takes) to figure out some sort of realistic solution to this new problem that Elphaba decided to throw in my face. Oh why, oh why do I let my characters take over so much control of my stories?_

_ (End author's nonsensical rant.)_

--

_Elphaba Thropp was terrified that she was nothing more than a horrible monster._

--

**Chapter Eighty-Seven: Of Guilt, Of Regret, Of Hate**

Boq found Elphaba sitting beside Suicide Canal – her legs dangling over the edge. The Munchkin sat down beside her, making sure to keep his distant so that she would not feel uncomfortable.

"Why are you here?" Elphaba asked, wrapping her arms around herself for a sense of protection.

"Glinda asked me to find you."

Elphaba turned to stare at Boq in confusion. "Glinda?" she asked.

"She's concerned."

Elphaba dropped her gaze to her feet – watching them swing back and forth in the air. "She hates me now."

"I have no idea what happened but I know that she doesn't hate you."

"Yes she does."

"You've thought this before and always Glinda has proven you wrong. Why are you so adamant that this time she truly does hate you?"

Elphaba closed her eyes to stop her tears. "If you knew what I have done," she whispered. "You would hate me too. Everyone would."

"Would we?"

"Yes."

"How can you be sure of that?"

Elphaba sighed. "Boq… do you hate me now?" she asked, knowing that she was purposefully trying to change the direction of the conversation.

"Of course not. Why would you think that?"

"You're never around anymore. Why?"

Boq fiddled with his shirt in nervousness. "It's just that… that… well… I find it difficult to deal with you sometimes."

"Deal with me?"

"You have mood swings Elphaba," Boq tried to explain. "And I don't know if you realize that."

"Mood swings?"

Boq nodded. "You're fine around people who you are not comfortable with but as soon as you get anywhere where you're alone with Fiyero, Glinda, or me you let your guard down."

"What are you getting at?" Elphaba raised tired, guilt-ridden eyes to meet Boq's concerned gaze.

"You trust us," Boq continued, dropping his gaze so he wouldn't have to look at the pain pooling in Elphaba's brown eyes. "Don't get me wrong," he added hastily. "It's not a bad thing, not at all. It's just that… that I don't know how to handle you when you let your emotions run rampart so I've chosen instead to distant myself from you."

"But why?"

"I didn't want to hurt you further by saying something I shouldn't have." Boq chewed on his bottom lip to try and get rid of some of his nervous energy. "So, as painful as it was, I chose to stay away until Fiyero and Glinda could help you through the worst of it."

"Is that so?" Elphaba's tone was suddenly biting and angry. She felt betrayed. "I guess there is a reason why I don't trust easily." She stood up, turned to leave but Boq laid a hand on her arm. She flinched at the touch.

Boq quickly let his hand drop to his side when he saw the reaction his touch had dredged up from Elphaba. "It's not that I don't want to be your friend!" he said, frantic to get his point across. "I just… I don't always trust that I can be strong enough to be there for you in your need."

Elphaba continued to walk away from Boq. "I understand perfectly," she said bitterly. "You don't want the responsibility of me on your shoulders."

"It's not that!" Boq called after her retreating form but Elphaba did not turn around.

"It's fine Boq," Elphaba said. "I understand. You can go now. Go and free yourself from the responsibility of my screwed up life."

"Elphaba!"

"Go pine for Glinda," Elphaba muttered. "Go and love her but know you can never have her!"

"I don't love her anymore!" Boq screamed. "None of us can love anyone until you get yourself together!"

Elphaba whirled around to face Boq. "If I'm so much of a burden then why is everyone still trying to help me!"

"Because we all love you!"

"Well you shouldn't! I'm not worth loving! I'm not even worth life! My father should have killed me the moment I was born!"

"Do you truly believe that?"

"Why would I say something I don't believe!"

"Would Nessarose be who she is today if you had not been born?"

"She would have been able to walk!"

"But would she _be_ the Nessarose we all know had you not been there to raise her?"

"What are you getting at?" Elphaba screamed. "Speak plainly or don't speak at all! I don't have the patience for these riddles and word games!"

"You're a good person Elphaba," Boq said, trying to keep his voice calm. "Why can't you see that in yourself?"

"I'm not anywhere close to a good person! I've done horrible things!"

"You've done good things too!"

"Like what!" Elphaba's face was turning a strange shade of deep green tinged with red in her anger. "Tell me Boq! Tell me what I've done that hasn't turned out bad!"

"Nessa!" Boq screamed back. "You were a mother to Nessa and she never turned out wicked or evil or anything like that! And you were there for Glinda when her mother died! And you saved her from the river! And you've been helping her heal after what happened to you two in the Emerald City!"

"A few good acts do not erase all the bad I've done!"

"But you haven't done anything bad!"

Elphaba closed her eyes tightly to still the tears that threatened to fall. "You don't know," she muttered, her voice choked. "You just don't know."

"Then tell me." Boq crossed the few feet between himself and Elphaba. "Tell me and let me be the judge."

"I can't."

"Why?"

"You don't deserve to have my guilt on your shoulders." She turned around then, the movement frantic, and walked. She walked as fast as she could without running as she tried to keep up the illusion that she was calm and in complete control of herself even though she knew that she was at the very brink of insanity caused by her overwhelming guilt and regret.

"Elphaba!" Boq rushed after the fleeing green form. He grabbed her arm and this time he refused to let go. "Stop running away from me," he said. "I'm not going to hurt you."

"Let me go," she growled out.

"Not until you tell me what you've done."

"Get away from me!" Elphaba wrenched her arm free of Boq's grasp and ran. She ran as fast as she could. She didn't know where she was going and she didn't care – she just had to run.

She could hear Boq's footsteps behind her but they were fading away; disappearing. He wasn't able to keep up with her and that fact made her unnaturally happy.

She didn't stop running until her legs collapsed from underneath her. She fell, with a severe lack of grace, to the ground. Her elbow struck a large rock and pain shot up through her arm as her fingers went strangely numb. She cried out in pain but clamped her mouth shut to prevent any more sound from escaping her control. She laid on the ground for a few long minutes. Her lungs burned as she gasped for air and she clutched her elbow – hoping that she had not broken it in the fall.

Eventually she sat up and tried to get her bearings. She figured she was near the edge of the University's grounds but she couldn't be sure and the setting sun was making it even harder for her to determine her exact location. She slowly stretched her arm out in front of her to try and relieve the pain in her elbow but it only caused it to worsen. She couldn't help but cry out as she quickly folded her arm close to her body and held it there until the pain dulled enough that she felt she could move again.

Elphaba tried to calm herself down and get her breathing under control but she could not. The panic she was feeling inside was only growing as time slowly crawled by. She knew she could not run away from what she had done forever but every time the thought that she should go to Glinda and face the truth crossed her mind she would feel sick to her stomach.

Darkness fell around her as the sun finally set completely. Suddenly Elphaba could no longer see her hand in front of her face and she calmed down. Night had always been a welcomed time for the green girl and now was no different. She focused on breathing deeply as she listened to the night animals beginning to awaken around her. She heard the sounds of crickets and owls and other nocturnal animals surrounding her and she let herself relax.

She forced herself to stretch her injured arm out in front of. The pain nearly made her vomit but she refused to allow herself the relief of bringing her arm closer to her. The pain crawled up her arm to her shoulder and down her back. Her fingers tingled strangely as she felt them slowly becoming more and more numb as time passed by until she could no longer feel them at all.

Then she truly did vomited. The bile escaped her throat before she even recognized what was happening. When she was done she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and tried to stand up but failed. As soon as she began moving at anymore than a snail's pace her vision would start spinning and she very nearly sent herself in to unconsciousness. She closed her eyes but when she did fear spiked inside of her and she quickly opened them again. She thought the night around her was dark but it was nothing compared to the suffocating darkness that closing her eyes brought her.

When she closed her eyes it was as if she was staring in to her very soul – her very sins. And that terrified her.

Elphaba used a nearby tree to help her stand up. Slowly, carefully, she made her way to a bench just off one of the main brick paths. She sat down and hugged her injured arm close to her. The dull throbbing was quickly becoming a stabbing pain that cause her whole body to shake violently.

Then the tears came. Hot and cold and painfully choking all at the same time. She crumpled over herself as she frantically buried her head in to the folds of her dress to try and keep the salty liquid from burning her skin. Sobs wretched her throat and made it impossible for her to breathe. Elphaba tried to think of anything besides the murder she had committed but she could not.

There wasn't even a baby to bury.

The realization struck her like a punch to the stomach. Burying her own miscarried twins had given her some sort of semblance of closure but she knew that Glinda would never have that. The blonde's pregnancy had been so earlier on that there wasn't even anything that sort of resembled a child to bury. There was nothing to end the terrible experience with. No form of closure.

Elphaba felt dead. She felt hollow and empty – as if there was nothing left of worth inside of her. All the good she had done in her life, all the horrors she had survived through, no longer held any worth to her in light of what she had just done to her best friend. She had thought of herself as many things before; a servant, a freak, a whore, a murderer. But she had never hated herself so thoroughly. She had never been so utterly disgusted at her own decision and actions.

She laid down on the bench, pillowing her head on her uninjured arm. She stared at a tree a few feet away from her that was visible only due to a few rays of moonlight that managed to crack through the clouded sky. She watched one single leaf as it was gently teased by the wind. It desperately tried to hold on to the branch it was attached to but the wind won the battle and ripped it free. She watched, transfixed, as the leaf fell to the ground. It spun around itself, twisting and turning in some strange dance, until a strong gust of wind caught it and sent it flying off beyond Elphaba's sight.

Then she remembered what she had done. The leaf had provided a temporary distraction that had allowed her to be free of the torment of her sin. But now that the leaf was gone she no longer had anything to keep her mind occupied and as a result her thoughts flew back to the murder she had tried, but failed, to keep secret from Glinda.

Failed.

It was a word that burned in her mind. When she closed her eyes she could see it clearly; mocking her, hating her. She couldn't ignore it; she couldn't pretend it didn't exist. This time there would be no blocking the memory out of her mind – there would be no shoving it away and believing that it never existed.

It was slowly killing her. Choking what little of a soul she had out of her. It tore at every piece of dignity, every shred of self-worth, that she still had. Ripping her apart and making her mind, and whole body, ache with the force of the guilt of her sin.

She had thought what she was doing was the right thing at the time but now… now she knew it was the biggest mistake of her life. She had thought she was saving Glinda from a life trapped as a mother to an unwanted child but now she knew that the blonde would have rather bore her child then live with the guilt of killing one.

The hate for herself was debilitating. Elphaba had never, in all her short life, been more disgusted with herself then she was now. She couldn't understand why she had done what she did. She couldn't understand how she had ever thought that killing Glinda's child was the right course of action. She wondered if she really had lost her ability to think rationally.

She began to think that she really had succumbed to insanity.

_No_, she thought to herself angrily. _I'm not insane. Stop running from your decisions! Stop making excuses!_

Her eyes slid shut against her will. Exhaustion overtook her and her body shut-down without her consent. She knew she should return to her dorm room, she knew she shouldn't stay outside all night, but she couldn't bring herself to leave. She couldn't bring herself to face Glinda and her destroyed friendship just yet. So she fell asleep, alone, on the bench as she prayed that she would awake to find that all that had happened would have been nothing more than one horrible nightmare.

But Elphaba Thropp knew… she knew that her desperate prayer would go unanswered.


	88. Of Fate's Cruelty

_But Elphaba Thropp knew… she knew that her desperate prayer would go unanswered._

--

**Chapter Eighty-Eight: Of Fate's Cruelty **

"Miss Elphaba?"

Elphaba's eyes snapped open at the sound of her name and she jerked backwards from the person kneeling in front of her. Her back met wood and she vaguely registered that she was still on the bench she had fallen asleep on the previous night.

"Get up Miss Elphaba."

"Madame Morrible?" Elphaba mumbled out groggily as she tried to wake herself up. "What in Oz's name are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same thing over why you are sleeping on a bench."

Elphaba slowly sat up; wincing as she accidentally moved her injured elbow and caused pain to shoot up her arm. Morrible looked at her in concern but chose not to comment on the matter.

"I have a letter for you," the Headmistress said instead, handing a small envelope out.

A shaking green hand took the envelope. "From who?" Elphaba asked, laying questioning eyes on Morrible.

"I suggest you read it as soon as possible." The Headmistress refused to elaborate anymore on the matter.

Madame Morrible stood up and made to leave but suddenly she stopped and returned her attention back to the still half-asleep green girl. "Miss Elphaba," she said; her voice quiet and calm. "I am not completely ignorant of what happens in this school. I warn you now that if you have any thoughts of bringing charges against Avaric do it only after careful consideration. Avaric comes from a family of high reputation and against a board of teachers… who you would have to tell your story to… his family name would hold far more weight over the words of a green-skinned girl, even if you are the Thropp Third Descending."

Elphaba stared at Madame Morrible as if the Headmistress had just grown a second head. "You… you know?" she whispered, her voice shaking. "How much do you… do you know about what has happened between Avaric and I?"

"Only that he seems to have an unhealthy obsession with you. Trust me, if it was up only to me I would have expelled him long ago. Unfortunately, it is not up to me and the world is not always just." Madame Morrible frowned. "Let him go Miss Elphaba. Let him go and get on with your life."

Elphaba jumped up, shoved herself past Morrible. "Leave me!" she spat out. "Don't you dare speak to me like you understand what he has done!" She whirled around to face the Headmistress. "Leave me!"

The Headmistress nodded; understanding that Elphaba did not wish to speak of the horrors done to her. "Take care of yourself," Morrible said as a final word. "And for Oz's sake, eat!"

Then the Headmistress was gone – leaving the distraught student to her seclusion at the outskirts of the University's grounds. Elphaba sat herself back down on the bench and stared at the letter in her hand for nearly an hour. Green fingers flipped the envelope over and over again but it was not marked as being from anyone.

It simply had her name and Shiz's address on it – nothing more.

Elphaba let out a heavy sigh and slowly split open the wax seal; pulling out the piece of paper it held within. Her eyes darted back and forth in a flurry of movement as she quickly read the letter.

The world was a cruel place as fate had decided to play the green girl yet another terrible hand.

The letter was from the Wizard. _The_ Wizard.

The hand holding the letter began to shake with absolute horror at the whole irony of the situation. Elphaba couldn't believe that in her darkest moments fate would play such a cruel joke on her. She couldn't believe that the one thing she had been anticipating for so long, the one thing that she always thought would give her some measure of happiness, had come when she could not find it within herself to feel joy.

She didn't deserve happiness. She didn't deserve to meet the Wizard. She doubted she ever really deserved to meet him in the first place but she knew now that she would never deserve to meet him. It was too late for forgiveness for her. Too late for redemption.

Elphaba was a lost soul that she felt she would never be able to be found. The Wizard's letter – saying he wanted to meet her in three weeks time – only made Elphaba hate herself more. She knew, she truly knew, that as soon as the Wizard realized what Elphaba had done to Glinda's innocent child that he would be disgusted with her and refuse to meet her.

She shoved the letter down the front of her dress since the clothing she wore lacked pockets. With slow movements she stood up, wrapping her arms around herself to keep warm, and made her way back to her dorm room. She tried desperately to stay calm as she knew exactly what would await her when she finally came face to face with her blonde roommate again.

She was utterly afraid of facing herself through facing what she had done to Glinda.


	89. Broken And Twisted

**_Author's Note: _**_For the first time I'm writing about a subject that I have absolutely NO experience with in any way. Most of what I write I've had some sort of basic experience with which is why I write _–_ it's very theraputic for me. But for once I'm writing blind so any constructive critiscm at all would be **really **appreciated. I'm unsure if I've handle the situation in a believable way so if you either believe what I've written or think it's utter crap and no one would react to such a situation as I've written the characters too then please tell me so that I can either A) continue in this same direction or B) fix any problems or reactions that you, the readers, seem to think are unbelievable. So please, **please**, give me your opinion so that I can try to figure out in what direction I should take this story from here on._

_Now with the pleading over with enjoy the next chapter of this ever-growing story (will it ever end? Who knows? Not me, that's for sure!)._

--

_She was utterly afraid of facing herself through facing what she had done to Glinda._

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**Chapter Eighty-Nine: Broken And Twisted**

Elphaba stared at the doorknob to her shared dorm room for an amount of time she didn't care to measure. She was trying to calm herself down but the longer she waited the more nervous and afraid she became. Eventually she managed to gather up the courage to lay her hand on the doorknob but she got no further. Fear overtook her and she very nearly bolted from the girl's dorm but she managed to reign in her emotions just enough to keep herself from fleeing.

In time she slowly twisted the doorknob to find that it was locked. She let out a heavy sigh – unsure that she could find the strength within herself to knock. She could hear muffled talking from within in the room but she couldn't make out the words or place the voices. She frowned; wondering what in the world was going on beyond the door.

In one uncharacteristic burst of courage Elphaba raised her arm and knocked four times in rapid succession on the door. The voices from within went completely silent but no one came to the door.

Elphaba pressed her forehead against the door. "Glinda… please…" Elphaba practically begged through the door. "Please… let me talk to you…"

The door flew open and Elphaba nearly fell right in to Fiyero's arms but she caught herself on the doorframe just in time. "What… what are you doing here?" she asked; struck dumbfounded by his shocking, and yet not completely unexpected, appearance in her shared dorm room. She had not been expecting him.

"Do you care to tell me what has gotten Glinda so upset!" Fiyero very nearly screamed at the green girl standing before him.

Elphaba's jaw dropped in shock at the pure hatred she heard in Fiyero's tone – it nearly brought her to tears. "I… I… well… she… you don't know?" Elphaba stammered out.

"Glinda has refused to tell me," Fiyero said, trying to control his voice and his temper but failing quite miserably. "She told me it was your place to explain. So… for the love of Oz can you please explain to me what is going on!"

"Can I come in?" Elphaba dropped her gaze to the floor.

"Glinda doesn't want to see you."

Elphaba had to swallow around the lump in her throat. "Please…" she whispered. "I… I know you're angry at me. I know _she's_ angry at me. But… but please… I deserve the chance to… to try and explain myself. Don't I?"

Fiyero frowned. Though he didn't want to he saw the logic and could hear the honesty and pleading in Elphaba's voice so he stepped back from the door. The green girl slowly entered, keeping her gaze on the floor until she made her way to the foot of her roommate's bed. Out of the corner of her eye she could see that her bedding had not been washed and that Glinda's blood still stained her sheets.

It dredged up the painful memory of the blonde's miscarriage and Elphaba could feel the throbbing behind her eyes caused by the force of trying to hold back her tears.

"Elphaba, what do you have to say to Fiyero?" Glinda spat out.

Elphaba slowly raised her head to meet Glinda's gaze. She was hurt by Glinda's use of her full name but she didn't comment on the matter. She didn't want to make the situation even more worse than it already was.

"I… you… do you… well… does he… should he…" Elphaba took a deep breath to try and collect her thoughts. "Does he really need to know?" she finally managed to choke out.

"It affects him just as much as it affects me!" Glinda screamed, her anger overwhelming her. Fiyero sat down on the bed next to her and took the blonde in his arms to try and calm her down and comfort her.

"But… he… do you truly want him to know?" Elphaba twisted her hands together in nervousness as she kept her eyes on the far too pale and furious blonde on the bed before her.

"What are you so ashamed about?" Glinda's voice was biting; her tone meant to hurt. "You did the right thing, didn't you!"

"Why are you making me tell him?" Elphaba whispered. "Are you trying to upset me?"

"Do you think that's evil of me?" Glinda did not lose her bitter tone. In fact, the more the blonde spoke the angrier she got. "Do you think you don't deserve it!"

"Elphaba," Fiyero cut in. "Please… just tell me what is going on so that we can try and fix it."

The green girl dropped her gaze down and when she noticed how her hands were nervously winding around each other she made a conscious effort to stop their movement. She replaced the nervous motion with chewing her bottom lip instead.

"Elphaba…" Fiyero prodded. "Tell me what is going on."

"Glinda was pregnant," Elphaba said, her voice a mere whisper and her words running together in her shame. "And I… I put pennyroyal in her tea without her knowledge."

"Pennyroyal?" Fiyero questioned.

Elphaba had to close her eyes to keep the tears at bay. "I… I used it on myself before," she said; knowing she was delaying in telling Fiyero what it did but she was powerless to stop herself from rambling. "It's a herbal oil. I bought it down in the Lower Levels. I believe it's actually illegal but I'm not sure."

"Stop stalling," Fieryo said, his voice fearful as he suddenly found himself terrified of the words that Elphaba was about to say. "And tell me what it does."

"It causes miscarriages."

The room went completely silent. All Elphaba could hear was her own beating heart and the blood rushing in her ears. Her words lingered in the air; damning her, condemning her.

"Was I the father?" Fiyero's voice was weak, choked, and Elphaba could tell that he was on the brink of tears.

She couldn't reply. Elphaba opened her mouth to speak but no voice could find a way around the lump in her throat.

"Elphaba," Fiyero whispered. "Elphaba… please… was I the father?"

A green head jerked awkwardly. The small motion wasn't really a nod of confirmation but Fiyero knew that that was what it was suppose to be.

"You killed our child?" Fiyero's tone of voice betrayed his complete shock and horror. "You didn't even ask? You just… you just _killed_ our child!"

Elphaba flinched at Fiyero's words. She seemed to shrink in to herself as the Vinkus prince stood up and made his way towards her. He stood mere inches from her body and the close proximity made Elphaba's whole body shake with an uncontrollably animalistic fear that had been beaten in to her by the years of her childhood with Frex.

Then he struck her.

The backhand sent Elphaba to her hands and knees and left her in a shaking, shocked stupor. She stared at her hands and watched the blood from her now split lip dripping on to them.

Something snapped in her. The last shred of her self-control broke and she swore that her heart had finally shattered beyond any sort of repair. Her overwhelming guilt and regret was now mingling with the utter betrayal she felt from Fiyero. The emotions were choking her mind and destroying her fragile soul. She had never imagined, in all her life, that Fiyero would strike. Would hit. Would _harm_ her.

"What were you thinking!" Fiyero screamed at her. "What insane thought pattern was going through your head! What makes you think that you have the right to decide who lives and who dies in this world!"

Elphaba slowly stood up and raised tear-filled eyes to meet Fiyero's gaze. "You hit me," she simply stated.

"You deserved it!"

"You… you hit me… you…" Elphaba's voice trailed off as the true realization of what Fiyero had done dawned on her. "You… you hate me."

"You killed our child!"

"Glinda told me it was what she wanted!" Elphaba screamed back, suddenly finding her strength and her own anger in the face of Fiyero's fury. "She was drinking when she thought she was pregnant! She was already trying to kill the child! I just did the dirty work for her!"

"I never told you I wanted to kill my child!" Glinda was on her feet now; anger and betrayal coursing through her.

"Yes you did!" Elphaba's breathing was coming in heaving gasps as she tried to bury her pain with her anger. "You told me you were too young to have a child!"

"That doesn't mean I wanted you to kill it!"

"What else could it mean!"

"You don't understand!" Glinda was nearly on Elphaba as she stood so close to her. "You think that because you killed your children and no one truly hated you for it that it's a perfectly acceptable solution to the problem of unwanted pregnancies! You don't understand that your children were _rape_ babies!"

"What difference does it make! An unwanted pregnancy is an unwanted pregnancy! Who cares about the morality of the father!"

"I could have raised that child!" Glinda was furious, her face turning red in her anger. "I would have had Fiyero to help me! Just because your father is a piece of shit who couldn't care to even look at you except to use you as some twisted sex object doesn't mean that every other man in the world is the same!"

"Don't you dare bring my father in to this!"

"You can't even comprehend how I could have raised a child, can you! You cannot even begin to understand that Fiyero would be a decent man and take responsibility for his child!"

"You can't comprehend how much you would have to give up to raise a child, can you! Do you really think you could stop staring at yourself in a mirror for long enough to be a mother!"

"Are you calling me selfish! Are you saying I cannot think of anyone but myself!"

"I don't know." Elphaba's voice was dripping with sarcasm. "Maybe I'm not! Maybe I'm being like you and just talking in code! Saying one thing but meaning a completely different thing!"

"Just because I told you I was too young for a child doesn't give you permission to commit murder!"

"It wasn't murder!"

Glinda's mouth opened in shock and her eyes widened in horror. "You… you truly believe that?" she asked, her voice now quiet as she lost all of her anger almost instantly.

"It wasn't even a person! There wasn't even anything to bury! That's not a child! It's… it's just blood and fluid and _nothingness_!"

"You can't tell the difference, can you?" Glinda whispered, her quiet voice now a direct opposition to Elphaba's screaming tone.

"What are you talking about!" Elphaba could feel her anger dissipating but she desperately tried to cling on to her fury so that she wouldn't have to feel the shame and guilt coursing through her.

"You don't understand that sometimes people say things they don't mean, do you?" Glinda clarified.

"Why would someone lie! There's no reason too!"

Glinda closed her eyes as she slowly began to realize that this horrible situation had been due to nothing more than Elphaba's naivety when it came to social interaction and one massive misunderstanding. "You… you took my words to heart, didn't you?"

Elphaba's face twisted in to an expression of confusion. "Why wouldn't I?" she asked, her voice oddly loud in her fading anger. "You're my friend. Why would you lie to me?"

"You cannot see passed the words you hear, can you?" Glinda brushed at her eyes to rid herself of the few tears that had escaped her control. "You take my words at face value. You can't comprehend why someone would say something they don't mean, can you?"

"What are you rambling on about!" Elphaba screamed, trying to recapture the anger she had felt moments before but failing.

"Sometimes…" Glinda choked out. "Sometimes people say things when they're upset that they don't mean. I already know you have problem with recognizing that but I… I never thought it would cause something like this."

"I'm not following you at all!"

"Of course you're not!" Glinda yelled, her frustration causing her anger to return. "You don't understand! No one's ever taught you! You've never learnt to be social with anyone but your own sister!"

"Why are you bringing my past in to this! My past as nothing to do with this!"

"Your past _is_ you!"

"But what does it have to do with what I did to you!"

"Because you don't understand that I never meant what I said! You cannot read body language! You cannot understand that fear and upset and desperation causes people to make initial reactions to situations that they don't actually mean to bear any weight to their true decisions!"

Elphaba's face fell, reflecting the hurt and guilt swirling inside of her. "You… you mean that when you told me that you were too young to have a child you didn't mean it? That when you implied to me that having a child would ruin your life you didn't mean it?"

"That was my initial reaction but as soon as I had the time to think about the situation my reaction changed," Glinda tried to explain. "You don't get that because you don't think about what you do. You just do it! You just react to your first instinct no matter what it is!" The blonde's voice was getting louder as her anger once again began to overwhelm him. "You've never learnt to stop and think before you act! You've never had to! All you know how to do is be alone! All you know is how to avoid getting hurt! And that's why you killed your twins!"

"Glinda…"

"That's why you killed my child! You committed murder because in your fear and desperation all you could think of was fixing it all as fast as possible! The only way you know how to deal with life is to do anything in your power to keep things the same! You killed my child because you fear change!"

"Glinda… please… why are you doing this?" Elphaba choked out around the lump her throat. Her guilt was destroying her again, suffocating her.

"Am I hurting you? Because I don't really care if I am! You've hurt me Elphaba! You betrayed me for nothing more than your own selfish reasons! You didn't want me to have a child because you knew that that would take me away from you! You call _me_ selfish but you cannot even stand the thought of having to share my friendship with anyone else!"

The room fell completely silent for the second time in less than an hour. Elphaba's face seemed frozen in an expression that was of complete horror. The green girl was shocked at how perceptive the blonde standing so near to her was.

Glinda had found the true reason behind Elphaba's actions. Glinda had discovered that Elphaba had done what she had for no other reason then the green girl's fear of change and desperation to keep her friend near.

"I… I…" Elphaba stammered out. "I thought it was what you wanted. I was… was only thinking of you."

"Were you?" Fiyero asked, speaking his first words since the argument between the two roommates had begun. "Were you really?"

Elphaba jerked away from Fiyero at the sound of his voice. The unconscious action shocked Elphaba as she realized that Fiyero now struck the same animalistic, desperate fear that Frex brought out of her.

"And you couldn't stand the thought of seeing me pregnant with Fiyero's child, could you?" Glinda asked quietly.

"I didn't kill your child because it was Fiyero's!" Elphaba screamed but then she clamped her mouth shut. She knew that Glinda's question had not required such a violent outburst as a response unless it really had been true.

"Dear Oz," Elphaba whispered. "Dear Oz… I'm… I'm a monster!"

Glinda closed her eyes at the green girl's words. "You're not a monster," the blonde said. "But one more step down the road you're on and you will be."

"Glinda… Glinda…" Elphaba begged. "Please… I never meant to hurt you. I… I know my reasons for my actions don't make sense to you… or Fiyero… or even me but please… just try to–"

"Shut-up," Glinda muttered. "Just shut-up."

"But Glin–"

The blonde opened her eyes to find herself looking at the grief-stricken and sickly green girl in front of her. "I've turned a blind eye to you're sinful actions before. I've tried to help you after what Avaric has done to you. I've tried to forgive you for killing your twins. I've tried to stop you from harming yourself. Yet… yet all I get in return is your betrayal! And this… this twisted friendship! This screwed up love!"

"Glinda…"

"All the reasons behind your actions cannot change the bare facts of what you did to me… to us."

"Glinda… please…"

"You _killed_ my child. Fiyero's child. This isn't just hurting yourself anymore." Glinda took a deep breath. "Your self-loathing and self-hatred has affected everyone. You carry misery and pain with you constantly and it spreads… it spreads to us all."

"I didn't do this to hurt myself!"

"Yes you did! All you know how to feel is pain and when you finally did let yourself love you loved Fiyero and all you got from him was rejection. So you gave up. And now… now you're getting my rejection because I cannot see myself being able to continue being friends with you after what you have done."

"Do… do you mean this?" Elphaba whispered. "Or are these words you're speaking just your initial reaction that in time will change." Elpahab's voice became sarcastic as she continued to speak. "Because apparently I cannot tell the difference! So could you explain to me in acute detail so that I don't get the wrong impression due to my social ineptitude!"

"Elphaba… just… just go. Leave me to grieve for the child you stole from me. Please."

"I didn't steal anything from you! I did what you asked of me!"

"I never told you to kill my child!"

"Not in such plain words but you did! I heard the desperation in your voice! You were terrified! I gave you back your life!"

"By killing an innocent child?" Fiyero interrupted. "That's how you chose to help Glinda?"

Elphaba whirled around to face the Vinkus prince. "Stay out of this!"

"Are you forgetting that this was _my_ child too?"

"What are you going to do about it!" Elphaba screamed. "Hit me again?"

"If it would make you understand I would!"

The tears that Elphaba had been barely holding back escaped at Fiyero's words. He sounded just like her father did. His words were almost identically to Frex's. She began to wonder if Frex had been right along – perhaps pain was truly the only way she could learn.

Elphaba turned and fled; desperately brushing at her eyes with the back of her sleeve. She half-ran, half stumbled down the halls and stairs of the girl's dorm until she found herself in front of her sister's room. A part of her, the part that was still desperate to hold on to her diginity, was begging for her to find somewhere alone to compose herself but she knew that if she left herself to her own devices right now she would try to kill herself.

And this time she would not fail.

Elphaba opened up the door to Nessa's room, surprised to find it unlocked, and quietly entered. Nessa looked up from the book she was reading as she sat in her wheelchair and frowned at the sight of her sister.

"You look ill," Nessa said. "Are you well?"

"I… I…"

"Are you crying?" Nessa's voice became high-pitched in her concern. "Dear Oz Elphaba! You shouldn't cry! You're going to hurt yourself!"

"I've made a terrible mistake," Elphaba whispered, sitting down on Nessa's bed.

"But you cannot tell me what it was, can you?" Nessa said, rolling her chair closer to her distraught sister.

"I'm sure you'll find out in time." Elphaba dropped her gaze to her lap and watched her hands as they shook.

Nessa laid her pale hand on a green one – stilling the shaking. "I'm sick of hearing about your life through other people. Can you not just tell me? Just this once?"

Elphaba shook her head slightly. "I want… want to pretend that everything is okay. Just for a little while longer."

Nessa sighed. "What have you done?"

"I have lost my soul," Elphaba whispered. "And everything that is dear to me."

"You haven't lost me."

"Not yet."

"What have you done?"

"It hurts."

Nessa nodded. "I know," she said before holding her hands out in front of her. Elphaba took the hint and quickly wrapped her arms around Nessa's small frame and hoisted the youngest Thropp up. She carefully placed Nessa's body on the bed and then sat back down again.

Nessa wrapped her hand around Elphaba's to offer what little comfort and reassurance she knew her green sister would allow herself to receive. She laid her head against her older sister's shoulder. "What have you done?" Nessa whispered. "What has caused you such torment?"

"I want to die."

Nessa shivered at the complete honesty and despair ringing in her sister's voice. "Will you?" she asked, afraid of the answer but realizing that she needed to know.

"I don't know."

"Don't." Nessa looked up at Elphaba, seeing the line of her green jaw and the prominent nose. "Please… for me."

"I… I cannot promise you that… not this time," Elphaba stammered out, letting her eyes slide shut. "What I have… have done… cannot go unpunished."

"Is the pain you're feeling not punishment enough?"

"No!" Elphaba took a deep breath to get herself somewhat under control again. "Nothing will ever be punishment enough."

"I'm sorry."

Elphaba frowned and looked down to meet her sister's concerned eyes. "Whatever for?" she asked, utterly confused.

"For your life. For your verdigris. For Avaric's obsession with you. For your love for Fiyero. For father's favouritism of me. For… for everything."

"It's not your fault."

"I know," Nessa said. "But that doesn't me that I cannot be sorry just the same."

"I don't need your pity."

"Don't you?"

"Don't do this," Elphaba whispered, almost pleading. "Please… not now."

"Running away from your feelings isn't going to solve anything."

"Hiding behind the Unnamed God isn't going to solve anything either," Elphaba spat back but her tone lacked its normal bite as her heart just wasn't in to the insult.

"Just because we have our different ways of dealing with the pain of life doesn't mean we have to continue running away."

"You should look to yourself before you try to save others."

Nessa laughed. "I cannot believe that you, of all people, just said that. You are the queen of helping others before yourself."

Elphaba let out a heavy sigh before turning her head away from her sister. "All I've ever known is how to help others. That _is_ how I deal with life."

"No it isn't."

"What could you possibly know about how I deal with my pain?" Elphaba's voice was bitter and angry but laced with grief.

"More than you know," Nessa whispered as her hand slowly pushed up the sleeve to Elphaba's dress to reveal a thin, green arm. She gently traced the criss-crossing scars that decorated her sister's arm with her thumb. "Do you think I was blind to it all growing up?" Nessa asked quietly. "Do you think I never noticed? Never saw?"

Elphaba's body stiffened at Nessa's touch but she didn't pull her arm away. "You never seemed to care."

"I never knew how to show you that I cared," Nessa replied. "And I… I feared that father would hit me if I acted like I loved you." Nessa frowned at the memories of her childhood. "I'm sorry," she managed to choke out around the sudden lump in her throat. "It was weak of me."

A green hand swallowed Nessa's and gently pushed it away from the scarred arm. "No it wasn't," Elphaba whispered. "And I don't blame you for doing all you could to avoid father's anger."

"He fathered a child with you, didn't he?"

Elphaba jerked away from Nessa at the words spoken and had the desperate feeling to flee the room overwhelm her. "Don't…" she growled out, her voice low and dangerous.

"Father raped you," Nessa continued. "More times than anyone cared to count. And… and you got pregnant, didn't you?"

"Yet father thinks he is the holiest man in all of Oz! But he has ignored all of his sins and focused only on what I have done wrong! Where is the justice in that!" Elphaba moved to stand but Nessa grabbed her arm and kept her sitting.

"You still love father, don't you?"

"Of course I do." Elphaba's voice fell to a quiet whisper. "After all he's done to me he is still my father."

"Did you ever think that perhaps your love for father is the sole reason behind all your pain?"

Elphaba shook her head slightly. "How could it be?"

"Your love for father is your own twisted form of forgiveness. And if you can forgive the man that raped and beat you throughout your childhood then you can forgive anyone. Which is why you've never reported Avaric. Which is why you've continued to make decisions that you know are wrong." Nessa held up a hand to silence the rebut she knew Elphaba was planning to say. "You forgive in a moment's notice because it's easier for you to hope that your forgiveness will change the people who have hurt you then to deal with your true emotions. But instead it only drives you further to them and further in to the pain they bring you."

"You're wrong."

"Why?"

Elphaba fell completely silent and suddenly found the wooden floor to be very interesting. "You're… you're just wrong," Elphaba muttered. "I know you are."

"What have you done?"

"I killed Glinda's child."

Silence. Elphaba closed her eyes as she struggled to hold back the bile tickling the back of her throat. Nessa had tricked her in to speaking of her sin. Nessa had deliberately spoken of an upsetting matter and then quickly changed the subject – knowing Elphaba would grasp any opportunity to change the topic of conversation in a heartbeat without truly thinking of what the other subject would be.

"Glinda's child?" Nessa asked quietly, unsure she wanted to pry too deeply in to the matter.

"She was pregnant… but just."

"Father would beat you right now, if he was here."

"Don't wory," Elphaba spat out, "Fiyero has already done that for him!"

Nessa nodded. "It was his child, wasn't it?"

"Well it surely wasn't anyone else's!"

"Is Glinda angry?"

"Of course she is!" Elphaba stood up and started pacing, trying to rid herself of her emotions through physical activity. "How could she not be?" Elphaba suddenly whirled around to face her younger sister. "How can you not be angry?" she screamed.

"I am angry," Nessa quietly replied. "And I'm disgusted at your actions. But I'm not going to scream at you because you have enough hate towards yourself over what you've done for all of us."

"How can you not scream at me! How can you not show me your anger!"

"Is that what you want?" Nessa asked. "Do you want me to scream at you? Do you truly need someone else's anger to confirm your suspicions that what you did was wrong?"

"I know what I did was wrong! I don't need anyone to tell me that!"

"Then what do you need?"

Elphaba collapsed back down on the bed but kept her distance from her sister. "I… I don't know," she said. "I just don't know."

Nessa took her sister's hand in her own again. "You will never be able to escape this," she whispered.

Elphaba pulled her hand out of Nessa's grasp. "Don't touch me," she growled out between clenched teeth.

"You should go," Nessa whispered. "You should go before I lose my control and say words that I will regret."

"Say what you neeed to," Elphaba said. "I deserve it."

"What you deserve is not my place to judge."

"If not you then who will judge me?"

"If I could I would get up and walk away from you right now."

Elphaba feel silent for a few minutes before finally speaking again. "Do you really wish me to leave?"

"Yes."

"Where will I go?"

"To Glinda."

"I cannot."

"You must continue to face her or no closure will ever come to either of you."

"If I leave now you may never see me again."

"Do not dare try to guilt me with suicide!" Nessa screamed as shock at what Elphaba had just said coursed through her. "Do not place that guilt on me!" Nessa could feel herself finally losing her control and she desperately wish for her sister to leave before words were spoken that could not be taken back.

Elphaba stood up; wrapping her arms around herself in her familiar desperate attempt to protect herself. Without speaking a single other word she left – leaving her angry sister alone.

Nessa stared at the door as tears slowly traced down her face. Tears for herself, for Glinda, for Fiyero, for Glinda's child.

And tears for her broken… twisted… sister.


	90. Of Conversations And The Unknown

_**Author's Note:** This chapter is meant to be taken in a platonic love matter not a slash love matter. You can take it as slash if you want but that is not how I mean the story to be but if you wish to read it like that then by all means go ahead and do so but just know that is not how I am writing the story as. It is platonic/friendship love that I have written between Elphaba and Glinda, nothing more._

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_And tears for her broken… twisted… sister._

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**Chapter Ninety: Of Conversations And The Unknown**

Glinda stared at the door as it slammed closed behind the fleeing Elphaba. She desperately wiped at her face to rid herself of her tears but it was a useless endeavor. It felt to Glinda that nowadays she could not find the strength within herself to stop crying.

"I feel guilty," Glinda whispered as she turned around to face Fiyero.

Fiyero took the shaking, distraught blonde in his arms. He buried his head in her hair. "For what?" he asked quietly.

"Yelling at Elphie."

Fiyero pulled away from Glinda, holding the blonde at arm's reach, and frowned. "Why would you feel guilty about that?"

Glinda dropped her gaze to the floor. "She… well… she was my friend. And… what if she does something harmful to herself now? What if she kills herself because of this?"

"That is her decision to make." Fiyero's voice was bitter and angry. "And if she chooses to kill herself then I say good riddance."

"She's not an evil person," Glinda whispered. "She's just confused."

"Confused?" Fiyero placed a hand underneath Glinda's chin and turned her face to force her to look at him. "Don't make excuses for what she's done," he said. "She committed murder Glinda, nothing less."

"But nothing more either."

"What more is there then murder?"

Glinda pulled away from Fiyero's touch and moved to her bed. She sat herself down; resting her back in to the corner created where the walls joined. Fiyero sat down beside her.

"She really thought she was helping me," Glinda whispered. "She thought she was doing what I wanted her to do."

"She thought wrong."

"But does that make her a monster?"

"Being wrong doesn't make anyone a monster. Murder however, does."

"You loved her, didn't you?" Glinda turned questioning eyes towards her boyfriend. "Do you still?"

Fiyero shook his head. "How could I?" he muttered, his voice laced with anger. "She killed our child! My child!"

The blonde nodded before resting her head on Fiyero's shoulder. He wrapped his arm around her and pulled her close. "Will you try to salvage your friendship with her?" Fiyero asked.

"I… I don't know if that's possible."

"I don't think you should."

"But we've been through so much together," Glinda whispered, letting her eyes slid shut in her exhaustion. "We've become so close."

"Have your really?"

"What does that mean?"

"Have you ever done anything with Elphaba besides trying to save her?"

"What are you getting at?"

"You've never done anything with Elphaba that normal friends would do," Fiyero tried to explain. "You've never gone out for a night of fun, or gone shopping, or anything of that sort."

"Elphaba doesn't like doing those things and you know that."

"But what kind of friendship is that? When one person will not sacrifice for even a day to do something the other would want to do?"

"I cannot blame her for not wanting to. She gets stared at wherever she goes." Glinda tried to put force behind her words but she didn't have to heart to care that much.

"She's not a child. She's needs to stop running away."

"I don't want to talk about her anymore."

"What do you want to talk about?"

"Nothing."

Fiyero let out a heavy sigh. "She feels guilty Glinda… even I can see that. But is her guilt enough for our forgiveness?"

"I told you that I don't want to talk about it anymore."

"You need to."

"No I don't."

"You're acting like Elphaba. You're running away."

Glinda stiffened at Fiyero's harsh words but she didn't pull away from him. "She betrayed me," the blonde whispered, her voice barely audible as her throat seemed to close up in her grief.

"It hurts, doesn't it?"

"I imagine this is how Elphie has felt for most of her life." Glinda sniffled, shrinking even further in to Fiyero's warm body. "So many people have betrayed her."

"You're making excuses for Elphaba, why?"

"Because it helps to lessen the pain."

"No matter what you tell yourself it won't change the facts of what Elphaba has done."

Glinda untangled herself from Fiyero and looked up at the Vinkus prince. "Why are you so angry at Elphaba?"

"She killed our child. Why are you not angry?"

"It's too much effort to be angry," Glinda muttered, dropping her gaze to her lap. "It's far easier to feel pity towards Elphie."

"I cannot believe you!"

Glinda's head jerked up at the anger in Fiyero's voice. "What?" she nervously asked.

"Whenever you lay eyes on that disgusting green freak you scream and yell at her in anger and hate but once she leaves all you feel is pity! It doesn't make sense! Stop trying to fool yourself in to thinking that Elphaba is a better person then she is! Because she isn't! She's just a selfish monster! A murderer who has no qualms betraying her only friends' trust! She killed your child for no logical reason! She just did it because her irrational, screwed up mind thought it was the right thing to do!"

"Stop this!" Glinda screamed. They were both on their feet now; their faces mere inches away from each other.

"You don't want to face the truth about Elphaba because that means that you failed in saving her! But that's the truth Glinda! We failed! We failed to fix her! We failed to save her! And now she's a lost cause! Let her be! Let her go!"spought she was helping me,"erself down, resting her back in to the corner created where the walls joined. "self of h

"She's not a lost cause!"

"She killed her best friend's child with no true proof that that was what her friend wanted! It's over Glinda! We failed! Let Elphaba be!"

"I refuse to believe that!"

"How long will you cling to useless forgiveness! How long will you turn a blind eye to Elphaba's erratic and monsterish behaviour! If she has killed your child to keep you close to her then who can say what else she is capable of doing to cling to this pitiful life that she now has!"

"Monsterish behaviour?" Glinda asked in horror. "What of you? You hit her!"

"She deserved it!"

"You acted no better than her father!"

"Do not compare me to Frex!" Fiyero's face turned red in his fury. "And do not try to deflect away the horror of what Elphaba has done!"

"Would you have stayed?" Glinda blurted out. "If Elphaba hadn't killed the child would you have stayed?"

Fiyero frowned in confusion at the sudden change in topic. "Of course," he replied. "Of course I would have."

"Because you wanted to or because you would have felt obligated to?"

"Because it would have been the right thing to do."

"That's a cope out answer."

"It's the truth."

"How can I know?" Glinda turned her back to Fiyero. "It's easy to play the part of the noble man and say you'd stay when you know the child is already dead."

"I'm not lying." Fiyero wrapped his arms around Glinda's waist and pulled the blonde to him. Her back met his chest and he rested is chin on the top of her head.

"I'm not saying you are. It's just that… that if I was still pregnant you might not be saying what you are right now. Your… your decision might be different."

Fiyero let out a heavy sigh. He placed a hand on Glinda's shoulder and gently turned the blonde around to face him. "I don't know what more I can say to you," he whispered. "Tell me what you want. Tell me what you want to hear."

"You call Elphaba a monster but she did what she did in the belief that she was helping me… helping us. You hit her… can you not see the damage such an action will cause her?"

"I don't care what pain I cause Elphaba. She has hurt us far more then we could ever repay her back for."

"I don't want to pay her back." Glinda pulled away from Fiyero's grasp. "And you, the one who has always prided himself on acting the most rational out of us all, is acting the most irrational right now."

"How are my actions irrational?"

"You hit Elphaba!" Glinda screamed.

"She deserved it!"

"No one deserves to be hit!"

"You thought Avaric did."

Glinda frowned. "He was different!"

"No he wasn't!"

"He raped Elphaba!" Glinda screamed, her anger and frustration taking control over her. "More times than once!"

"And Elphaba murdered our child!"

"He did what he did out of hatred and some twisted sexual thrill! Elphaba did what she did out of love and friendship!"

"She did it out of pure selfishness!"

"Why are you trying to convince yourself that Elphaba is so vile!"

"Why are you trying to convince yourself she isn't!"

The quarrel between the two lovers was suddenly cut short as the door to the room was opened. It squeaked as it moved in its hinges – the sound impossibly loud in the now silence of the room.

Elphaba walked in.

Fiyero whirled around to face the green girl. "What are you doing here?" he spat out, not bothering to hide the disgust and anger from his voice.

Elphaba shrunk backwards from Fiyero's fury and almost fled the room for the second time in the same day. Instead she took a deep breath and kept her eyes trained on the ground. "This is my room too," she whispered. "And I still need somewhere to sleep. I cannot sleep on the benches outside forever."

"There must be somewhere else you can stay," Fiyero said, his voice just as angry as it had been since Elphaba had told him what she had done. "Surely Nessa would take you in for at least a few days!"

"Nessa has cast me from her side," Elphaba muttered, finally shutting the door behind her. "She… she cannot stand the sight of me."

"Neither can I!"

"This isn't your room." Elphaba shoved her way past Fiyero and made her way to her bed. "You're not even supposed to be in the girl's dormitories to begin with."

Fiyero slowly shook his head in shock and disgust. "How can you live with yourself?" he asked quietly.

Elphaba froze for a moment at Fiyero's words but she pushed the bubbling pain inside of her down. She had forced herself to become numb to what she was feeling because she knew that she was so dangerously close to a complete mental breakdown that she could no longer allow herself to feel anything at all.

"Well?" Fiyero prodded. "How? How do you live with yourself?"

"Stop," Elphaba whispered as she reached in to the top of her dress and pulled out the crumpled up letter that she had received from the Wizard. "Just stop talking." She shoved the letter in to the top drawer of her nightstand.

"El–"

"Let her be," Glinda interrupted Fiyero, laying a hand on his arm.

Fiyero turned to face Glinda – laying his pain and anger on the blonde now. "How can you even stand to be in the same room as her! How can you even look at her anymore!"

"Stop screaming," Glinda said. "It's unnecessary."

"Don't you feel betrayed?" Fiyero asked, putting as much effort as he could in to bringing his tone of voice down to a more normal level. "Are you not hurt by what Elphaba has done?"

"Stop," Elphaba whispered from where she now sat on her bed. "I know you both hate me so why don't you just stop arguing about it?"

Both Fiyero and Glinda turned to face Elphaba and found that the green girl had perched herself on the foot of her bed; hugging her knees to her chest. She was breathing deeply and slowly in an attempt to keep herself calm and her emotions in check.

"Don't tell us what we feel!" Fiyero screamed; the control he had just managed to find moments before was lost to him again. "You've already made enough decisions for us! You don't need to do anything more!"

"Stop," Elphaba murmured. "Please…"

Fiyero threw up his arms in exasperation. "I don't know what to do with you Elphaba!" he screamed. "All I've ever done is try to help you! Do you even know how much I've given up to try and save you? And then this is how you repay me? How you repay us? You kill our unborn child because you think it's the right thing to do! Who are you to decide who has the right to life and who does not?"

Elphaba closed her eyes against the onslaught of angry words that Fiyero was shouting. He sounded so much like her father that it made her sick to her stomach. This was the exact way it had started with her father; angry words and a few moments of sharp backhands. Then it had slowly progressed to beatings and finally rape.

She was terrified that Fiyero would degrade in to the very same person that her father had become. And she was horrified at the thought that perhaps it was her own actions, her own failures, which had driven Fiyero to end up on this angry path.

And Elphaba wondered if perhaps it had really been her that had caused her father to become the vile person he now was.

The door slammed shut – the sound shaking Elphaba from her thoughts. She opened her eyes to find that Fiyero was gone, leaving Glinda alone with her. The blonde was staring at Elphaba with a strange look on her face.

The green girl frowned, unfurled her legs from her body, and shuffled backwards so that she could sit more comfortably on her bed. She was careful of putting too much weight on her still injured arm.

"What?" Elphaba spat out when Glinda did not stop staring at her.

"What did you do to your arm? You're holding it against your body awkwardly, as if it pains you."

Elphaba eyes widened in shock at Glinda's question before she dropped her gaze to stare at her bedding. She opened and closed her hand a few times to try and rid herself of the numbness that had settled there. Eventually she shrugged slightly. "I fell," she whispered. "And I struck my elbow. My hand's been numb since then."

Glinda awkwardly sat down beside the green girl. She was too concerned for Elphaba to ignore her but she was still far too angry with her to be able to do much. So Glinda did all she could think to do and that was to take Elphaba's hand in both of her own pale hands. The blonde gently massaged long green fingers to try and bring their feeling back.

"Does it help?" Glinda asked quietly.

Elphaba nodded. "A little," she replied as she was thoroughly confused with Glinda's actions. Just hours earlier Glinda had screamed at her in anger and hate but now she was being as caring as she had always been before.

"When did you hurt it?"

Green shoulders shrugged slightly. "Yesterday… I… I think."

"You should have gone to the nurses," Glinda said. "You shouldn't leave an injury like this untreated."

"I know."

"Yet you didn't get it seen to."

"There were… other things to deal with."

Glinda's hand stopped their soothing massaging for the briefest of moments. "You really thought you were doing what I wanted, weren't you?" She began her massaging movements again.

Elphaba was taken aback by Glinda's question. She closed her eyes and took a few moments to compose herself. "No," she whispered. "Well… yes and no. I… I thought I was doing the right thing."

"It is not our place to judge what is right and what is wrong."

"Will you hate me forever?" Elphaba looked up to lay pleading eyes on Glinda. Eyes searching – begging – for the truth. Eyes waiting for the words that would break her green-stained soul to be uttered by the blonde.

"I don't hate you."

Elphaba's face fell as she saw the lie in the depths of Glinda's eyes. "Yes you do."

Glinda frowned as she tried to find the words that would explain what she was truly feeling to the green girl. It was difficult for her because the blonde wasn't quite sure that she knew what she was feeling.

"It's like the relationship you have with you father," Glinda finally said, "only the opposite."

"I don't think I understand."

"You hate your father, don't you?"

"Yes."

"But a small part… a very small part… of you still loves him, right?"

Elphaba dropped her gaze to the floor again and hesitatively nodded. "Yes," she choked out. "He… he's still my father. I could… never… wholly, truly hate him."

"And I love you," Glinda whispered as she stopped massaging Elphaba's hand and instead just held it in reassurance. "I really, really, deeply love you but… but…" Glinda's voice trailed off and she simply held Elphaba's hand tighter to replace the words she could not speak.

"But what?" Elphaba had to close her eyes to stop herself from crying. "But what Glinda?" She continued to prey; to push. "Tell me… please…"

"But just like the small patch of love you will forever hold on to towards your father there will always be a small patch of… of… hate… that I will hold in my heart for you."

It took four long, unbearably silent minutes before Elphaba could trust herself to speak without losing all control of her emotions. "Yet you are here, beside me, holding my hand."

"I still love you Elphie. I… I just will never be able to wholly love you, to truly trust you, ever again."

"Without trust there is nothing," Elphaba whispered.

"Do you trust me?"

Elphaba jerked her head up to lay shocked eyes on Glinda. "Of course I do!" She covered her opened mouth with the hand that Glinda was not holding. She had shocked, even frightened, herself with her brutally honest words. "I… I trust you," she muttered; unable to believe that she had found the strength within herself to trust another person. "I… actually trust you."

Glinda smiled softly, sadly. "You trust me now Elphie but… I don't trust you anymore. And trust is… is hard to rebuild. You must know that."

Elphaba nodded, but just barely. "Yes."

"But there is always hope, is there not?"

"Come with me," Elphaba suddenly spat out; forcing herself to speak before she lost her courage too.

"Come with you?" Glinda's face twisted in to an expression of utter confusion. "To where? Where are you going?"

"To the Emerald City."

"Why?" Glinda frowned in confusion and curiosity. "Why are you going there? And why do you want me to come with you?"

Elphaba pulled her hand out of Glinda's grasp and slipped off her bed. She opened the drawer to her nightstand and pulled out the crumpled letter that Madame Morrible had given her. She handed it to the blonde.

Blue eyes darted back and forth as Glinda read the words written on the paper she held. "The Wizard?" she whispered quietly in shock. "The Wizard wants to meet you?"

Elphaba twisted her hands around each other in nervousness. "It seems so cruel that it would come at such a time," she whispered.

"Why?" Glinda asked in honest confusion.

"It is not something I deserve."

The blonde made no response to Elphaba's words as she folded the letter up as carefully as she could. "No," Glinda eventually replied. "You do deserve it. Just… right now you are not acting proper."

"What does that mean?"

Glinda stood up and handed the letter back to Elphaba. The green girl took it without a word as she waited for her blonde roommate to reply.

"Your mind is ill," Glinda finally said. "And I fear that you may not have the strength needed to prove yourself to the Wizard."

"My mind is not ill!" Elphaba yelled out in horror; outraged that Glinda would even consider such a thing.

Glinda shrunk away from Elphaba's angry voice. "It doesn't mean that you're sick."

"I'm not insane!"

"I never said such a thing. I just said that your mind is ill."

"There is no difference!"

"Yes," Glinda grabbed a hold of Elphaba's hand to try and settle her down. "Yes there is. And I for one would rather believe that your mind is ill then to believe that you truly are a murderous monster."

Elphaba closed her eyes against her tears. "I'm not ill," she muttered but her voice lacked the conviction and strength she had meant it to hold.

"But you're not healthy either. You must see that."

"I'm close to the edge Glinda," Elphaba whispered as she opened her eyes. "I don't know how long I can hold on."

"I know."

"I betrayed you. I destroyed your trust in me."

Glinda nodded as she helped Elphaba to sit back down on her bed. "Yes."

"I'm sorry."

"I know."

"You will never forgive me, will you?"

"I cannot say for certain."

"I'm sorry."

Glinda sighed. "I cannot come with you," she said as a response to Elphaba's original question about the Emerald City.

"You don't have to stay with me!" Elphaba's words came out in one frantic, rushed mumble. "Just come on the train with me. I… I need you there. Even if just for the smallest of moments. Even if it's just to delude myself in to thinking that we are still friends. Please…"

"I cannot bring myself to do such a thing. Try to understand."

"Glinda… please…"

"Elphaba… do not push me. I do not wish to become angry and say things I will regret."

"Where do we stand then?" Elphaba asked quietly. "Where does our friendship fall?"

Glinda shrugged. "I do not know. And I… I don't know for how long I shall be uncertain."

"I didn't mean to hurt you."

"I know."

"Forgiveness is a lost cause, isn't it?"

"In this… in the death of my child… yes. But that does not necessary mean that our friendship is lost."

"What happens now?" Elphaba whispered.

"I… I don't know," Glinda replied quietly. "I just don't know."


	91. The Project

"_I… I don't know," Glinda replied quietly. "I just don't know."_

--

**Chapter Ninety-One: The Project**

Elphaba had meant to skip the Life Science class in which the final class project, the partnered project, was due but all that had happened in the last few days had distracted Elphaba and she had forgotten. But when she entered the classroom and saw everyone sitting with their project partners she realized what day it was and that she would have to sit beside Avaric for the whole class.

Elphaba made to turn around and leave but the professor saw here before she could escape. He motioned for her to sit down and the green girl's mouth went completely dry as she realized that she had no way out. She was trapped in the classroom unless she decided to flee the room and make a scene that would surely get her in trouble with both the professor and Madame Morrible.

Elphaba stood at the entrance to the class for quite a few minutes before she could muster up the strength to find her seat beside Avaric. Her steps were heavy as she walked and when she sat down her body was stiff and rigged. She shifted in her chair so that she sat as far away from Avaric as she could.

Avaric, for his part, ignored Elphaba completely and carried on with the conversation he was having with a few other students sitting around him. It was unclear whether Avaric could sense the tension surrounding Elphaba or whether he was just buying his time before he tried to torment her once again.

A small feeling for dread was building up in Elphaba but she stubbornly tried to ignore it. She crossed her arms around herself protectively as she tried to calm herself down.

She turned her head to lay eyes on Fiyero but the Vinkus prince was completely ignoring her and kept his attention on his own partner. Elphaba briefly closed her eyes to keep her tears at bay and dropped her gaze to stare at the top of her desk.

The class started. The professor called upon each partnered group of students to either hand in or present their projects. The few students that had presentable projects stood in nervousness in front of the class to try and gather the most amount of marks as they could. Eventually the professor called upon the partners that Elphaba had dreaded being in the class for.

"Avaric and Elphaba," the professor said.

All eyes in the classroom – even Fiyero's – turned expectantly to the partners sitting as far away from each other as they possibly could be. Avaric looked at Elphaba and smiled. "You refused to work with me," he whispered as he leaned closer to her. "You can tell the professor that our project is not done."

The green girl swallowed around the lump in her throat as she slowly stood up. Avaric's words seemed to control her in a way that she hated herself for but could not deny. "We could not work past our differences," she stated; trying only to address the professor and ignoring everyone else in the room. "We did not do the project."

The professor cocked his head slightly and looked over the ridge of his glasses. "Very well then," he said. "You both receive a zero. For you Elphaba… that drops your mark down about ten percent or so but you are still in the high range of the class. For you Avaric… that drops your mark down to below passing and you are pretty much guaranteed a fail now."

Elphaba sat back down as the professor continued on with his list of students. She stubbornly refused to even look at Avaric as she kept her eyes focused only on the top of her desk. As soon as the class was dismissed she bolted for the door but a hand grabbed her just above the elbow. She went completely stiff as panic grew inside of her to a level so unbelievably terrifying that she wanted to scream out for help but she could not find her voice.

"You're going to pay," Avaric whispered in to her ear as he dragged her from the classroom. The throng of students around them hid his actions from the professor and kept his dignity intact. "And it seems that this time you do not have your precious Fiyero to save you. I promise you that I'm going to have fun."

He threw her against the hallway wall. Elphaba winced at the force in which her back struck the wall but she made no attempt to move.

Then she saw Fiyero. He was standing a few feet away just staring at her. Her jaw slackened and she desperately tried to find her voice. "Fiyero…" she whispered. It was all she could manage to say.

Fiyero sighed in as he turned his head and simply walked away. Elphaba slid down the wall to sit on the floor in defeat as the students disappeared from the hall and left her alone. She hugged her knees to her chest and closed her eyes to try and calm herself down.

She feared what Avaric would do to her.


	92. Murderer

_She feared what Avaric would do to her._

--

**Chapter Ninety-Two: Murderer**

After becoming friends with Elphaba Thropp Glinda was very rarely surprised by much anymore. She had dealt with rape, abortion, abuse, molestation, and betrayal with her green roommate and because of that she had thought that she could no longer be surprised.

She had thought wrong.

When Glinda opened her dorm room door, a response to the quiet knock she had heard, she very nearly slammed it shut in both surprise and complete hatred. She couldn't believe who stood before her. She couldn't believe that _he_ – Frexspar Thropp – would have the nerve to show his face to her.

"What are you doing here?" Glinda spat out, forgetting for a moment that she was suppose to be hating Elphaba and instead laying all her anger in to the man that stood before her.

"I wish to speak with my daughter," Frex said, keeping his head heal up in pride as if there was no reason for anyone to protest his appearance at his green daughter's door.

"I highly doubt she would welcome you."

"Madame Morrible herself has given me permission to come here so you have no right to deny my request. Especially seeing as I am her father and you are nothing more than her roommate."

"You have been no father to her," Glinda said but she knew that Frex was right in his words. It was not Glinda's place to deny a father a meeting with his daughter.

"If you do not get her for me then I will come in to this room and fetch her myself."

Glinda frowned but nodded her compliance. "She has huddled herself up in the bathroom but I shall see if I can get her to come out. Wait out here." The blonde slammed the door shut in Frex's face with no small amount of glee at such an action.

Glinda made her way to the bathroom and knocked on the door. There was no response. The blonde sighed and simply opened the door – thanking and cursing the fact that Fiyero had disabled the door lock back when the both of them had desperately tried to keep Elphaba from harming herself.

Elphaba looked up at the sound of the door opening. Brown eyes, empty and void of any true feelings, met with blue ones and Glinda nearly cried at the sight before her. Elphaba sat naked on the tiled floor. A green hand clutched a dull knife and it was all too clear to the blonde what her green roommate was doing.

Blood stained the tiles. Stained the wall. Stained Elphaba's green skin.

"Your father is here," Glinda simply stated; making no attempt to offer any words of comfort or shield from her roommate who her visitor was.

Elphaba closed her eyes, swallowed around the lump in her throat, and turned her head away from the blonde. "I don't want to see him," she whispered.

"You don't want to do much these days," Glinda replied, "except sit in here and harm yourself."

"You don't understand."

"No I don't." Glinda frowned. "And now I know that you will never let me understand."

"I don't mean to push you away."

"Yet you have," Glinda said.

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry will not bring my child back."

"Glin–"

"You're father is here," the blonde interrupted. "Put on some clothes and talk to him. Or talk to him naked, I don't care."

Elphaba shuddered at Glinda's words but when she turned to look at the blonde she was already gone; leaving the bathroom door completely open. Elphaba took a deep breath and closed her eyes again to try and collect her thoughts. She was walking on the edge of insanity and she feared that if she allowed herself to fall in to its grip that she would not be able to escape. It was a thought that terrified her and she had the sinking feeling that her father might send her down that spiralling darkness from which she would not return.

"Fabala."

Elphaba instinctively jerked backwards at the sound of her father's voice. Her eyes snapped open and the knife she held slipped from her grasp – clattering loudly against the floor. "Father?" she choked out as she quickly hugged her legs to her chest in a desperate attempt to hide her nakedness.

Frex looked down on Elphaba in disgust. "Only animals travel this world naked. Only animals would sit in their own blood and filth. Is that what my daughter has become? An animal?"

"Why are you here?" Elphaba quietly asked; trying, but failing, to keep her voice from shaking. She felt weak and vulnerable as she sat naked before her father. She wanted to cry.

"The Headmistress wrote to me and said that the Wizard himself wanted to see you. I cannot fathom why but I doubt Morrible would lie to me."

"She told you?" Elphaba asked in shock. "But… but why?"

Frex shrugged. "How should I know? But that is not the real reason I am here."

"Then what is?"

"Your sister wrote to me saying that her looking glass had been accidentally broken and that she wished for a replacement one."

"A… a replacement?"

"Yes. Now can I continue or are you going to keep on repeating what I say for no particular reason?"

Elphaba hugged her legs closer to her. "Sorry," she mumbled out as she averted her eyes to stare at the knife now laying useless on the floor.

"As I was saying… she asked for a replacement to be made and I came here to give it to her." Frex opened his jacket slightly and fished around an inside pocket. "However, when I went to give it to her she would not take it. Do you know why that is?"

"No father," Elphaba whispered.

"Do you want to know why?"

Elphaba nodded slightly. "Yes father."

"Yes what?"

"Yes I… I want to know why Nessie would not take the looking glass."

"Her name is Nessarose!" Frex spat out. "You have no right to call her by silly childhood names you filthy slut!"

Elphaba visibly flinched at her father's words and the tone of voice he had spoken them in. "I'm sorry," she said quietly, meekly. "I… I won't do it again."

"You make sure to."

"Yes father."

"Anyways… she would not accept the looking glass because she told me that she wanted you to have it. Apparently the original one had, at one time, been yours as a child. Is this true?"

Elphaba raised utterly confused eyes to her father. "She… she wanted me to have it? Nessarose wanted _me_ to have the looking glass?" she whispered in shock. "But… but why?"

In one sudden movement Frex grabbed a green arm and yanked Elphaba to her feet. "You did not answer my question!" His backhand would have sent his green daughter to her knees but he kept a firm hand on her arm so that she would not fall.

Elphaba bit her lower lip to keep herself from crying out at her father's abuse. The stinging on her cheek was painful and she had to suppress the urge to raise a hand to the tender skin. She did not want to show such a weakness in front of her father.

"I'm sorry," Elphaba said. She realized that all she seemed to do around her father was apologize.

"Well?" Frex spat out. "Answer the question! Was the looking glass originally yours?"

Elphaba nodded as she kept her head turned away from her father's angry, accusing eyes. "Yes," she said. "Yes… yes it was. Turtle… Turtle Heart made for me when I was just… just a babe. I had not even learnt to speak yet."

"This is the truth?"

"I swear on the Unnamed God that it is," Elphaba whispered. "I am not lying."

Frex frowned but did not challenge his daughter's words. "Very well," he said. "Take this gift that your sister has bestowed upon your unworthy soul." He shoved the new looking glass in to Elphaba's chest and the green girl quickly grabbed it and then shuffled backwards to distance her father's hand from her body.

Frex, for the first time in many a long years, saw his green daughter's body unclothed and bare to the world. For the first – and only time – in his life he saw the scars that marred her body. Scars that he had placed there. That Avaric had placed there. And that Elphaba herself had placed there.

"What's that on your stomach?" Frex asked; his voice low and dangerous. "What does that say?"

Elphaba quickly wrapped her arms protectively around her stomach to shield the horrendous word that she had scarred her skin with from her father's eyes. "It's nothing," she said, her voice far too loud and far too defensive.

Frex stepped forward and grabbed Elphaba's arms. He tried to pry her far too thin arms from her body so that he could see the scar that had so captured his attention but Elphaba suddenly had far more strength then she should have.

"Whore."

Frex stopped his attempt to detach Elphaba's arms from around her stomach and both himself and his green daughter turned shocked eyes towards the direction of the voice that had spoken. Glinda stood at the doorway to the bathroom – her eyes cold, dark, and full of a strange mix of both hate and pity.

"Whore," the blonde repeated as she crossed her arms. "That's the word carved in to your daughter's stomach," she said, addressing only Frex. "She did it to herself because that is what you, Avaric, and all the other men who have used her have made her become. What does it feel like to know that your own daughter, the daughter that the Wizard wants to meet, thinks of herself as no more than a whore? A filthy slut as you yourself have so kindly put it?"

Frex's mouth opened and closed in shock as he turned wide eyes towards his daughter. Elphaba, however, had dropped her gaze to the floor and was no longer looking at anyone.

"Is this true?" Frex asked. "Does this roommate of yours speak the truth?"

"Father, her name is Glinda," Elphaba muttered.

Frex let go of Elphaba's arms and instead grabbed her shoulders. He shook her violently. "Answer my question!"

"Let go of me," Elphaba said. "Please… father… let me go."

"Is it the truth?" Frex screamed. He seemed frozen in his anger by the shock of Glinda's words. "Have a raised a daughter so utterly incapable of anything more than self-hate and self-destruction! Have I? Tell me the answer Elphaba! Tell me!"

"Let me go," Elphaba whispered, pleaded.

"Tell me!"

Elphaba wrenched herself free from her father's hold and stumbled backwards until her back hit the wall. "Leave me alone!" she screamed as her self-loathing and despair began to bubble up inside of her. "I am not the daughter you wanted! I am not the son you and mother desired! I am nothing but a green freak! An embodiment of all of mother's sins!" She bent down and grabbed the discarded knife. She placed it at her neck. "I have done wicked deeds!" Tears collected in her eyes but she blinked them away. "I am not worthy of the air I breath and I know that! But… but…" Her voice faltered and the hand that held the knife began to shake. "I am too weak to end my own life," she whispered. "I am too weak to rid this world of myself."

Elphaba slowly stood up and stretched out her arm, offering the knife to her father. "Kill me," she pleaded. "Please… it is… it is what I deserve. It is the course my… my life should take."

Frex stared at the knife held in his daughter's hand. He placed his own hand over the dull blade but he made no attempt to take it from her.

"You should have killed me when I was born," Elphaba whispered.

"I know."

"Now is your chance." Elphaba stared at her father. All the despair and grief and terrible guilt she felt was reflected in her eyes. She willed him to understand. Willed him to have the strength to do what she could not. "Free me from this world," she whispered. "Kill me."

Frex fled. He brushed past Glinda and slammed the dorm room door behind him as he left. Leaving behind a bewildered and shocked blonde and a distraught and broken green girl.

"Why?" Elphaba whispered, turning wide eyes towards Glinda. "Why couldn't he do it? I… I wanted him to. I… I begged him to? Why couldn't he?"

The blonde crossed the few feet between herself and Elphaba and gently took the knife from Elphaba's shaking grasp. "I think," Glinda said, "that he is not quite the same monster that he once used to be." She placed the knife on the bathroom vanity and then pried the looking glass from Elphaba's other hand. She also placed it on the vanity.

Elphaba continued to ramble on, oblivious to what Glinda was doing. "He hates me. He has… he has always wanted me dead. Why could he not do it? Now… when I needed him to… why did he falter?"

Glinda did not respond as she simply stared at the looking glass that now sat on the vanity. "It looks just like the old one," she quietly muttered.

Elphaba frowned as she followed the blonde's line of vision to lay eyes on the looking glass. "Turtle Heart never made it. It's not the same." Elphaba made to grab it but Glinda reached it first.

The blonde held it behind her back, keeping it as far away from Elphaba as she could. "This was a gift from Nessa… I'm not going to let you break it."

"Don't tell me what to do!" Elphaba hissed out. "Don't make decisions for me!"

"You've made decisions for me before, I can do it to you! After all… it's the _right_ thing to do, isn't it?" Glinda's voice was angry and sarcastic and she quickly fled the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind her. She left before she lost control of her anger and snapped at Elphaba.

But, as a result, she left Elphaba alone with the dull knife.

Glinda sat herself down on her bed. She twisted the looking glass in her pale hands. Twirling it, playing with it, using it to distract herself. If she listened carefully she could just barely hear the choking sounds of barely suppressed sobs coming from the bathroom.

The blonde chose not to listen.

"Murderer." The word was a soft whisper that escaped Glinda's lips. She did not know if she truly believed that that was what Elphaba was but she now knew that that was what her green friend thought herself to be.

Glinda had seen, during Elphaba's fight with her father, the word that would become a new scar on Elphaba's stomach.

"Whore and Murderer," Glinda whispered as she twirled the looking glass in her hands. "What a choice of words to scar yourself with."

The sound of breaking glass startled Glinda but did not shock her. She slowly stood up, leaving the looking glass on her bed, and made her way to the bathroom. She pushed the door open and just stood at the doorway.

Elphaba was hunched over the bathroom vanity. The mirror was broken and shards were strewn all about. She looked up to meet Glinda's searching gaze. She opened her mouth to speak but no sound came out so she slowly closed her mouth instead.

Glinda shook her head sadly – in disappointment. The blonde stepped in to the bathroom and took the knife from Elphaba's grasp before turning and leaving. The dorm room door softly shut behind her and Elphaba stared at the empty air in which Glinda once stood.

Elphaba dropped her gaze to her hands, glad that the mirror was now broken and that she no longer had to look at her own disgusting reflection. But then she saw it; the hundreds of tiny shards of glass that covered the vanity and the floor. Everywhere she looked she saw a distorted, miniature reflection of herself. She stumbled backwards, trying desperately to distance herself from her reflection. The blood that covered the floor caused her to slip and her back struck the edge of the bathtub. Pain shot up her spine and she cried out in both surprise and hurt.

She slid to the floor, resting her back against the tub, and closed her eyes against the terrible pain surging through her back. She wrapped an arm around her stomach to try and still the blood that still came from the wounds that she had carved in to her skin but it helped little.

"Father," Elphaba murmured as her blood loss caused unconsciousness to slowly creep up on her. "Why… why couldn't you just kill me?"

Then darkness swallowed her.


	93. Of Forgiveness And Lost Trust

_Then darkness swallowed her._

--

**Chapter Ninety-Three: Of Forgiveness And Lost Trust**

Elphaba awoke to a deadly quiet room and the sun blinding her eyes. She had to blink a few times to get her eyes to adjust to the light and when she tried to sit up pain shot up her spine and caused her to cry out. She stifled her cry as soon as she could.

"You missed you're meeting with the Wizard."

Elphaba slowly turned her head to find Glinda sitting cross-legged on her bed with schoolbooks strewn about her. "Pardon?"

"You've been unconscious for days. You missed your meeting with the Wizard."

"I… I missed it?" Elphaba forced herself to sit up, wincing at the pain, and rested her back against the wall.

"Morrible told me that the Wizard is willing to set up another date near the end of the month, just before final exams, but you cannot miss again."

"I've been unconscious for days?"

"It seems that the last scar you cut in to yourself cut far too deep. If I had known I would not have left you alone as I did." Glinda honestly felt guilty. "I'm sorry."

Elphaba turned her head to look at the wall instead of having to look at Glinda. "Don't be. I… I should not do what I do. It was my fault."

"The nurse stitched up your wounds but they will still scar. But then, you must already know that."

Elphaba nodded slightly.

"I brought some fruit up from the kitchen. It's on your nightstand. You should eat some."

"I'm not hungry."

"You're starving to death. Eat."

Elphaba sighed and dropped her gaze to stare at her hands as they played with her bedding. "I know."

Glinda shuffled off her bed, crossed the room, and sat down on the edge of Elphaba's bed. She took a green hand in her own and gently squeezed it.

"I'm sorry," Elphaba muttered.

"I know you are."

Elphaba nodded; closed her eyes. "I know," she whispered. "And I know that all the apologies in this world will never bring your child back but… but I don't know what else to do… what else to say. All I have to offer you is empty words and useless apologies. What kind of friend am I?"

"I don't know," Glinda replied. "But what I do know is that no matter how hard I try I cannot seem to abandon you to your own devices. There is something about you Miss Elphaba. Something I cannot place but whatever it is it is special, it is grand, and it keeps me tethered to you no matter how much I wish I could escape."

"I don't want to guilt you in to staying my friend," Elphaba muttered. "If I die I want you to know that it's not your fault."

"You're not going to die."

"I feel dead."

"Yet you are not."

"I wish I was."

Glinda sighed. "On rare occasions so do I. Yet we are both here. After all that has happened to us, and between us, we are both still here. Why do you think that is?"

Elphaba shrugged as she let her eyes slide shut in exhaustion. "I don't know, why?"

"Because somewhere out there, away from these walls of Shiz, fate has a plan for us. Something big, don't you think?"

"There is nothing for me out there," Elphaba murmured as sleep began to take over her body even though she had just awoken. "And if there was it has long been beaten from my grasp."

"Oh, Elphie…"

"I'm sorry."

Glinda smiled sadly. "I know," she replied as she stood up. "I know all too well. The scars on your body tell me. Especially that newest one that very nearly killed you."

Elphaba's eyes shot open in alarm. "You… you?"

"I'm not an idiot Elphie," Glinda interrupted. "Nor am I blind. I saw the word you cut in to yourself that day. I saw what will become a new scar upon your stomach."

"But why did you not tell my father?"

"Because your father already knew that you thought of yourself as a whore, he just did not want to believe it." Glinda let out a small, grief-filled chuckle. "He doesn't need to know that you also think of yourself as murderer. I fear that if he knew that as well then he might have actually killed you when you begged him to."

Elphaba closed her eyes. "It is what I am."

"No," Glinda said, her voice full of a strange sense of strength and conviction. "Murder is what you might have done but you are no murderer. You are simply a child who has lost her way and is trying desperately to cling on to what you know and prevent any sort of change."

Elphaba made a low throaty noise that was neither a confirmation nor a denial of the blonde's words. She was shocked at Glinda's perception but not entirely surprised. The blonde had always had a knack for reading her like no one else could.

"You fear change, don't you Miss Elphaba?"

"I don't fear anything," Elphaba spat out but she knew it was a lie, and so did Glinda.

"You fear more then you care to acknowledge," Glinda whispered. "You fear change. You fear friendship. You fear trusting others. You fear being betrayed. You fear even simple touch. And most of all… you fear that you really are no more than a whore."

"What more have I done expect bring carnal pleasure to men?"

"You are going to see the Wizard Elphaba. That must mean something to you."

"As soon as he lays eyes on me he will see what I truly am and then cast me away. Or perhaps he too will simply rape me."

Glinda gasped in shock and horror. "He's the Wizard Elphie! How could you even think that he would do such a thing?"

"In the end he is just a man," Elphaba whispered. "And that is all they want from me. How many men can fuck the green freak? It is like it's a game that the whole world is playing and I have no say in the matter. After all… I'm green, why should anyone care about me?"

"I care."

"You used to care. Just like Fiyero used to care. But you both hate me now. I can see it in your eyes. I, too, am not an idiot Glinda."

"I cannot change the way you think of yourself," Glinda whispered. "I know there is little I can do to help you but I will not abandon you."

"You should. I would think no less of you if you did." Elphaba let her eyes shut as all she wanted to do was fall asleep and never wake up.

"You might not but I would think less of myself if I did such a thing."

"Why don't you hate me?" Elphaba was honestly confused.

She had killed Glinda's child and though the blonde had initially been incredibly angry of late she had been nothing but supportive and helpful. It was true that at some moments Glinda would turn a cold shoulder to Elphaba and would ignore the green girl to prevent herself from snapping at Elphaba and saying words she would regret. But for the most part the blonde had done her best to keep her anger in check and help her green friend. Elphaba did not understand.

"I am not one to hold grudges."

"I killed your child. That is far more than a simple grudge."

"Why don't you hate me?"

Elphaba frowned as she forced heavy eyelids to open. "Why would I hate you? You have been more of a friend then I ever deserved."

"When we first met I spread rumours about you and treated you like crap to your face."

"Rumours are a little different then murder."

"I turned in to a bitch when you told me that you loved Fiyero. When you saved me from the river I didn't even acknowledge what you had done. It has always been me that has caused the rifts in our friendship and it has always been me who has kept us apart with my jealousy and fear."

"Fear?"

"I was afraid of your strength. I was afraid that Fiyero would leave me for you. I was afraid that everyone would see you as who you truly are and would leave me to be friends with you."

"That never happened."

"It could have," Glinda whispered, squeezing Elphaba's hand gently. "But you never let it. You hold yourself back Elphie. And I've always wondered why but I think I know the reason."

"Well I don't," Elphaba spat out in anger. She pulled her hand from Glinda's grasp and wrapped her arms around herself. "I don't know the answer to anything! I don't know why I do anything that I do!"

"You fear being hurt which is why you choose to be alone instead of making friends. And you fear, with the friends you have made, that they will leave you. So you hurt them first before they can hurt you."

"If that is true then that makes me even more of a monster then I already am!"

"I don't think you're even aware that you do it. It's a protective measure that you cannot control. It's a defense that has developed from years of abuse and hate. I do not… I do not…" Glinda had to pause, take a deep breath, and swallow back her sobs before she could continue. "I don't hate you for it… I can't hate you for it. I've… I've tried to. I really have. I _wanted_ to hate you. I wanted to despise you for killing my child. But… but I can't. I just can't!"

Elphaba turned hesitatingly hopeful eyes towards Glinda. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm sorry for everything I've done."

"I know. And… and…" Glinda closed her eyes but a few tears managed to escape her control and trace paths down her face.

Two green hands cupped Glinda's face and Elphaba wiped away the blonde's tears with her thumbs. She bit her bottom lip against the pain the salty water caused her but she knew it was worth it.

"I forgive you," Glinda whispered, keeping her eyes closed as tightly as she could to stop herself from turning in to a bawling, sobbing child. Giving Elphaba her forgiveness seemed to close the book on this horrible chapter of the blonde's life. She felt free in some strange way.

Free but yet still trapped by Elphaba's initial betrayal.

"Thank you," Elphaba choked out. "But… I… I don't deserve your forgiveness."

Glinda wrapped two pale hands around one of Elphaba's green ones and gently removed it from her face. Elphaba dropped her other hand from the blonde's face of her own accord and let it settle on her lap.

"I don't care," Glinda said quietly as she opened her eyes. She squeezed Elphaba's hand in the only form of comfort and reassurance that she knew her green friend would accept. "I don't care what you deserve or don't deserve anymore. I don't want to live a life without your friendship. What you did was wrong. What you did was a sin. What you did broke my trust in you. But… I just can't hate you. I cannot bring myself to abandon you."

"Glinda…"

"You've changed me. You taught me that popularity isn't everything. You showed me what a true friend is. Which seems so strange when you think about it because you've never really had any friends before me."

"Glinda…"

"But maybe that was why your friendship has been so strong. You're nothing but completely honest. You're not held back by society or anything of the such. You treat me how you have always wanted to be treated and you've only sought to help. You have only ever –"

"You're putting me on a pedestal!" Elphaba interrupted. "Don't make me in to something I'm not!"

Glinda looked shocked and hurt at Elphaba's words but her face softened so quickly that the green girl thought she might have imagined what she had seen. "I'm not going to lie to you," Glinda said. "There are some things I will not be able to trust you with anymore but… but hopefully one day… one day will be able to work through it all. Hopefully one day our friendship will become what it once was."

"You really mean that?" Elphaba's voice was quiet with shock, hope, and a small sense of fear.

Glinda nodded and smiled softly. "I cannot hate you Elphie… it's impossible. I don't understand how your father can. There's something about you that's so brutally honest that I cannot bear to let our friendship die."

The hug that Elphaba enveloped Glinda in nearly smothered the blonde.


	94. Of False Friendship?

_The hug that Elphaba enveloped Glinda in nearly smothered the blonde._

--

**Chapter Ninety-Four: Of False Friendship?**

"What's wrong?"

Elphaba stopped her pacing and slowly turned around to face Glinda as she sat at her vanity curling her hair. "Nothing," Elphaba replied quietly.

"You're pacing, that's not a good sign. What's wrong?" Glinda put her curling iron down and twisted around to face her green roommate. "What has got you so agitated?"

Elphaba sat down on the edge of her bed. "I don't want to worry you," she whispered.

"What is it?" Glinda stood up and sat down beside Elphaba. "Not telling me is just going to make me worry even more."

"It's Avaric."

"What about him?"

Elphaba turned her head to stare at the door. "I caused Avaric to fail Life Science by refusing to do the project with him."

"Project?"

Elphaba ignored Glinda's question. "He told me he would make me pay."

Glinda nodded understandingly. "But he hasn't yet, has he?"

"When will it come?" Elphaba's hands twisted nervously on her lap. "When will he take his revenge?"

"Perhaps he has forgotten about it. Perhaps this time he will simply let you be."

Elphaba laughed; a loud, pained laugh. "This is Avaric we're talking about. He will use any excuse he can think of to get his dick in me!"

Glinda shuddered at the terror and pain in Elphaba's voice. "It is almost the end of the school year," she quietly said. "If you do not go anywhere alone then there is nothing he can do. He would not dare to try to hurt you if you are with someone."

"The only one who can stand to be by me is you Glinda," Elphaba said. "And I would not ask you to come with me wherever I dare to go. It is not fair. Not after all I have done to hurt you."

Glinda nodded slowly, sadly. "I would come with you if you asked," she said. "But it is your choice. I will not force my presence upon you if you do not want it."

"If Avaric chooses to… to… rape… me… then that is my punishment. I will not run from it."

Glinda grabbed a hold of Elphaba's hands and stilled their frantic, nervous movements. "You don't deserve Avaric's torture."

"And you did not deserve to have your child murdered by your friend."

"Elphie…" Glinda sighed. "Why must you keep bringing that up?"

Elphaba stood up in anger. "Because I cannot keep doing this!" she screamed. She started pacing again; tangling her hands in her hair in frustration and despair. "I cannot keep living in this false pretense of friendship!"

"This isn't false," Glinda whispered as she stayed seated on Elphaba's bed and just watched her green roommate's frantic pacing. "I'm _not_ being false."

"I cannot do this," Elphaba muttered. "I don't deserve this friendship. I don't deserve you or your forgiveness."

"Elphie…"

"I cannot do this!"

Glinda stood up and made to grab a hold of a green hand but Elphaba jerked away from the blonde's touch. "Don't!" she screamed. "Just let me be!" Elphaba turned and fled; slamming the door behind her.

"Elphie…" Glinda whispered but her words got no response from the empty room. She shuddered as thunder sounded outside and she slowly turned around to look at the window. The storm that was raging outside had not quite reached Shiz University yet but the blonde knew it would only be a matter of time before it did. And Glinda feared that her green friend would be outside, without jacket or umbrella, when the storm hit them.

But, true to her previously spoken word, Glinda did not follow Elphaba because Elphaba had not asked for her presence. And Glinda now knew that there was little she could do to help her green friend anymore.

Elphaba had to find a way to save herself.


	95. Of Rain, Of Hope, Of Illness

_Elphaba had to find a way to save herself._

--

**Chapter Ninety-Five: Of Rain, Of Hope, Of Illness  
**

Elphaba walked the paths of Shiz University without any true idea of where she was going. She wrapped her arms around herself for both a sense of protection and warmth. She was terrifyingly cold and her vision was blurry from her malnourishment.

She sat down on a bench in exhaustion and kept her eyes downcast. She shuddered every time she heard a roar of thunder or saw a flash of lightning in the distance. Elphaba knew that the storm in the distance was quickly approaching the University but she did not attempt to return to her dorm.

A part of her wanted to be outside during the storm. A part of her wanted to die.

She leaned against the back of the bench and closed her eyes. The wind wiped her hair about her but she made no attempt to get the tangled mess of black under control.

"You shouldn't be out here."

The voice startled Elphaba and she jerked off the bench, snapping her eyes open, to find herself now standing mere inches from her father. She instinctively took a step backwards to distance herself from him and she made to turn around, made to flee his presence, but he grabbed her wrist and kept her still.

"I did not mean to scare you," he said quietly, softly, almost as if he cared. "Sit back down. I want to talk to you."

Elphaba closed her eyes briefly to try and calm herself. "I don't want to listen to your lies," she muttered; knowing that her words would make her father angry but finding that she just did not care anymore.

Frex sat down on the bench and since he did not let go of Elphaba's wrist he practically forced his daughter to sit down beside him. "You don't have a choice," Frex said.

"Of course I don't." Elphaba pulled her hand free of Frex's grasp and shuffled as far down the bench as she could. "Why are you still here?"

"Did you think I had come just to give you that looking glass?" Frex laughed. "My dear Fabala, I came here to visit Nessa for she wrote me quite a few disturbing letters."

"Disturbing letters?"

"She is stressed with final exams and it seems that she is also concerned over you. I never had the impression that she cared for you much but apparently she does."

"She told you that?"

"Yes. She also told me that you tried to kill yourself."

Elphaba turned her head to watch the wind rustle leaves around on the empty path nearby. She could not bear to face her father. "You hate me, why should you care?"

"Nessa asked me to speak to you. She seems to think that I am part of the reason behind your despair. I cannot fathom why but that is what she believes."

"And you would do anything to ensure her happiness, wouldn't you?"

Frex nodded but Elphaba did not see the motion. "Of course," he replied. "And you should be of the same."

Elphaba trembled from both the cold air surrounding her and the terror of her past that Frex was pulling up from her mind. "I'm not a servant to Nessa. I'm your daughter too, can you not see that?"

"All you have ever done is disgrace me. You are no daughter of mine anymore."

"Was I ever?"

Frex looked shocked at the question but quickly composed himself. "I… I do not know."

"You never touched me." Elphaba wrapped her arms around herself again as she tried to stop herself from shivering. "You never hugged me or kissed me or showed me any affection unless it… unless…" Her voice trailed off as she could not bring herself to speak of the sexual torment her father had forced upon her.

"You did not want to be touched."

"I was a child father… of course I did."

"You were always independent. You were always happier on your own."

"Only because it was a choice between being alone or being the focus of your hate and anger."

The two fell silent. Elphaba watched the leaves being tossed around by the wind and Frex stared at his hands on his lap. "I was horrible father, wasn't I?" he asked after nearly twenty minutes of silence. His voice was quiet, choked. To Elphaba it was almost as if he was trying not to cry.

"Yes." Elphaba turned to look at her father; he raised his eyes to meet hers. "But only to me."

"I never meant to do what I did. I never meant to treat you like I did." Frex dropped his gaze to his hands again. "I… I don't understand why I did the things I did."

Elphaba nodded because she knew. She knew what her father meant because she had often wondered why she did any of the things that she did. For the first time in her life Elphaba felt like maybe she understood a small part of her father.

"I hate you."

Frex flinched at the harshness and brutal honesty in Elphaba's words. "I was overwhelmed," he whispered. "When Melena died I… I did not know what to do with myself or… or with you."

"So you _raped_ me?" Elphaba stood up and was suddenly standing in front of Frex. She looked down on him but he didn't raise his eyes to look at her. He did not acknowledge what she was saying. "Mother dies and all you can think to do is replace her body with mine!"

"I never did such things," Frex softly replied. "I don't understand how you have come to think like this."

"Why can you not just accept that you did it?" Elphaba's voice was so loud in her anger that Frex was sure the whole University could hear her. "Can't you see that I need you to admit to this? Can't you see that I need to hear the truth from you?"

"I _am_ telling you the truth. I don't know what else to say to you."

"No you're not!" Elphaba grabbed her father's arm and yanked him up. She was taller than him, something she had never noticed before, and as a result she seemed to tower over him in her fury. "You're in denial!"

As angry as Elphaba was, as tall as she now found herself to be, Frex's backhand still stung her cheek; still brought her to her knees. "You do not talk to me like that!" he screamed at her. "Stop these sick, false accusations!"

Elphaba closed her eyes to still her tears and she brought a hand up to gently rub the tender skin on her cheek from where her father had struck her. "You didn't have to hit me," she whispered. Her voice had lost all of its anger and strength because, just like always, her father had managed to use his violence to control her; to subdue her.

"Yes I did," Frex said as he kneeled down beside his daughter. "Sometimes you just won't listen."

"You're the one not listening."

"I'm not here to tell you I was perfect." Frex laid a hand on Elphaba's arm and gently helped her stand. He sat her down on the bench and then found his own seat beside her. "But I'm not going to admit to something I never did."

Elphaba tried to distance herself from her father but he would not release his grip on her arm. She resigned herself to the fact that she would not be able to escape his presence or his words. "Can you please let me go?" she asked quietly. "You're hurting me."

Frex shook his head. "You'll flee if I do such a thing."

"I will not. I'm not a coward."

"I need you to listen to what I have to say."

"And I need you to admit that you raped me!" Elphaba tried again to pull her arm free from Frex's hold but she could not. He was simply too strong and she was too weak. "But sometimes we don't get what we need! Now let go of me!"

"I will do no such thing." Frex's calm voice was a polar opposite to Elphaba's frantic state.

"I don't want to listen to you! I don't care how much you need it!" Elphaba continued to struggle against her father's hold on her. "I needed love from you! I needed support and care! I needed you to be a father! But I never got that so why should I give you what you need!"

Elphaba managed to stand up even with her father holding her arm tightly. Her frantic, jerky movements forced Frex to also stand if he had any hope to keep her in control. She tried to run but her father wrapped his other arm around her waist and pulled her body close to him. "Calm down," he said. "I never meant to get you upset."

"Why are you doing this?" Elphaba screamed as she tried to pry herself free. "Why are you trying to be a father now? It's too late! It's too fucking late!"

"Don't swear Fabala."

"Fuck! Shit! Damnit! Fucking asshole!" Elphaba continued to yell out all the profanities she could think of just to make her father angry. Just to try and get him to let her go.

He did not.

"Let me go!" Elphaba made one last final attempt to escape but Frex would not budge. Her anger quickly turned in to despair and grief as she collapsed to her knees.

Frex still held her. He kept her body close to him as they kneeled together on the ground. He noticed how thin his daughter was, how weak she had become, and it stirred up in him a small fatherly feeling that he had long ago thought lost.

"This is why I resorted to the methods I did to raise you," he whispered as Elphaba now sat limp in his arms. "Your mood swings and outbursts confused me. I… I couldn't handle it."

"You made me in to this," Elphaba whispered as she desperately tried to keep herself from crying. She hated crying at all but she hated crying in front of her father the most. She already felt powerless and weak in his presence – she didn't want to feel even more so.

"You acted like this long before mother died… long before I became violent towards you." Frex kept his arms tightly wrapped around Elphaba's body as he feared she might become frantic and irrational again.

"I have not!"

"Melena used to say that you were just high-strung," Frex continued as if Elphaba had not said anything. "I tried to explain to her that how you acted wasn't normal but she would hear no word of it."

"I'm not sick."

"I never said such a thing."

"Glinda did."

Frex frowned in confusion. "Your roommate? That blonde? She said you were sick?"

Elphaba's voice fell to a whisper. "She said my mind was ill."

"Do you believe her?"

"I… I… I don't know."

"Are you ill?"

"Why do you care so much? Why now?" Elphaba shuddered in her father's arms as her mind took her back to a time in her past, when her father had held her in the heat of his own sexual pleasure, and she nearly vomited.

"Because Nessa was right."

Elphaba closed her eyes to try and collect her thoughts and keep her mind in the present, not the past. "About what?"

"That I am part of, if not the main reason, behind your despair."

"You're realizing this just now?"

"I've made mistakes Fabala. I will admit that."

"But you won't admit that you raped me!" Elphaba finally managed to free herself from her father. She crawled forwards a few feet before stumbling in to a standing position and attempting to run.

After his initial shock at Elphaba's escape disappeared Frex managed to get to his feet fast enough to grab a hold of his green daughter's wrist and prevent her from running off on her own in her distraught state. "Listen to me!" he screamed. "Stop and listen before I'm forced to hurt you!"

Elphaba froze at her father's words and she slowly turned around to face him. "Tell me the truth," she whispered, pleaded. "Tell me and… and tell yourself."

"I never raped you!" Frex could feel his anger growing at Elphaba's accusations and he desperately tried to keep himself in control. "Rape is a sin! And… and having sex with one's own daughter is far worse than just a sin! It is disgusting! It is vile! And –"

"And you did it to me," Elphaba interrupted quietly. "And you know you did. Why can you not just say it?"

Frex opened his mouth to speak but at that precise moment the clouds overhead finally decided to unless their fury upon the University. The thunder that roared was deafening. The lightning blinding.

And the rain deadly.

Elphaba's eyes widened in horror as the burning liquid touched her skin. She suddenly realized that her coat was uselessly lying across the dresser in her dorm room, along with her umbrella. She had nothing to protect herself against the weather except the thin frock she was wearing.

She ran. The rain coated the ground and caused Elphaba to slip more times than she cared to count. The pain was overwhelming, unbearable, and coupled with her malnourishment and fragile mind it nearly drove her unconscious. She took no notice of her surroundings as all she was focused on was getting inside as fast as she could.

She slipped on the wet grass, stumbled over a broken brick on the path, and fell. She struck the ground hard and simply stayed there on her hands and knees. Her breathing came in short, rapid gasps as the rain became more and more ferocious. It soaked her hair, her clothing, and burned her bare arms and legs. She had the vague thought that she might be crying but she could not be sure. Her tears and the rain burned her just the same.

Suddenly it hurt less. Suddenly the rain seemed to lift just a tiny bit. Suddenly she felt a little warmer.

Then she realized why.

A coat had been draped over her. A thick, warm coat that seemed to shield her from the rain in an impossibly effective way.

"I told you that you shouldn't be out here," Frex said as he kneeled down beside Elphaba. With his coat now shielding his green daughter Frex had only his day clothing to protect him and as a result he was becoming increasingly wet and increasingly cold. "Now let's go inside, okay?"

Elphaba took hold of the hand her father offered her and let him hoist her back to her feet. Her fear of the water drove away all the hate she held for her father and she was all too willing to accept his help.

She would have accepted help from Avaric if he had offered it to her.

Frex wrapped his arm around Elphaba's shoulders and held her close to his own body as he led her to the nearest building. Once inside and protected by the walls around her Elphaba snapped back to reality. She realized how close she was to her father and his touch made her sick to her stomach. She pulled away from his hold but she didn't get far before her vision began to swim and she had to throw out a hand to catch herself on the wall.

"Fabala…" Frex whispered.

"Just go," Elphaba spat out as she tried to ignore the painful burns that covered her skin.

"You're shaking."

Elphaba whirled around to face her father. "Why do you care!" She had to close her eyes against her nausea and tears. As slowly and carefully as she could Elphaba slid herself down the wall until she sat on the floor. She recognized where they were as the school cafeteria but it was empty at the moment. Dinner had long ago been served and now only the faint smells of the University issued food lingered behind.

Frex sat down beside his daughter. He did not touch her; he did not even sit close to her. He was simply there.

"I raped you."

Elphaba hugged her legs to her chest and slowly turned to face her father. "Did you… did you just?" her words faltered and she simply stared at Frex and hoped that he would answer.

Frex closed his eyes; unable to bear to look at his frail daughter and desperately trying to face his own horrible actions without truly facing them. "I…" Frex's voice was so quiet that Elphaba could barely hear him but she made sure not to miss a single word. "I… I raped you…"

"Yes… yes you did," Elphaba quietly replied.

"I failed… failed as a father… as a protector… as a priest… as a man."

"No," Elphaba said. "You failed only with me."

"I raped you," Frex repeated. It was as if he could not believe that he had done it. As if he was trying to convince himself it was the truth by repeating it.

"You thought I was mother."

"I raped you."

"You were always drunk."

"I beat you. I hurt you. I tortured you. And I… I raped you." Fiyero brushed at his eyes as if he was trying to wipe away his tears.

"You're crying," Elphaba whispered in shock; in awe. "I've never seen you cry."

"I'm a rapist."

"Go back to Nessa," Elphaba said quietly. "Forget of me. I… I needed the truth and that is what you gave me so… so I thank you."

"Forget?"

"Forget about it. Block it from your mind. I do not care how you do it but do not let it control your life. Nessa needs you still… be there for her."

Frex frowned but he did not argue his daughter's words. "Why did you need me to admit to it?" he asked softly.

Elphaba struggled to stand against her painful burns and she was forced to use the wall for support. "I do not know," she whispered. "I just did."

"You need to rest. The water has burnt you."

"I'm fine!" Elphaba spat out but when she turned to face her father in anger her vision swam dangerously and she could not steady herself. She fell to her knees where she remained. An odd silence fell over the cafeteria and when Elphaba believed she had the strength to look up without fainting she found that her father was gone.

"Father?" she questioned but there was no response. She slowly stood up, making sure not to take her hand off the wall, and looked around but the cafeteria was empty save herself.

Elphaba closed her eyes and took a deep breath to try and collect her thoughts. She knew she couldn't stay in the cafeteria for the rest of the night but she had no desire to go back to Glinda.

Elphaba wasn't quite sure when she had decided to go to Nessa or how she actually got there but soon she found herself at her sister's door. She raised her hand and knocked softly but when Madame Morrible answered, in her nightgown and thoroughly annoyed, Elphaba very nearly ran.

It was only her painful burns that kept her from fleeing.

"What are you doing here at this unnaturally early hour?" Morrible asked as she tried to shake her sleep away.

"I'd like to speak to Nessa."

"Miss Nessarose is sleeping, as you should be."

"Please?" Elphaba asked.

"Do you know how early it is?"

Elphaba shook her head slightly but regretted the action immediately. Her wet hair sent droplets of water down her neck and back and she hissed in pain. Morrible's expression softened as she came to realize that Elphaba was soaked and she knew of the green girl's allergy; she knew how much pain Elphaba must be in.

So Morrible relented and stepped back from the door, signalling Elphaba that she was allowed to enter. Elphaba nodded her thanks and quickly walked past the Headmistress to get to Nessa's side.

Morrible took her leave immediately, ducking through the door that lead to her adjoined room but she did not stray far as she found herself curious as to why Elphaba so needed to speak to her sister.

"Nessa?" Elphaba gently shook the youngest Thropp. "Nessie?"

Nessarose blinked her eyes a few times to try and rid herself of her sleep. She focused on the soft voice calling her name until she was fully awake. "Elphaba?" she whispered. When she realized what time it was the last remnants of her sleep disappeared and was replaced by a sense of urgency and concern. "Elphaba… what's wrong?"

Elphaba smiled, but just barely, as she helped her sister to sit up. Nessa rested her back against the wall and kept her eyes on her trembling, wet sister.

_Wet_.

Nessa's eyes widened in fear. "Elphaba!" she screeched and her green sister jerked in surprise at the loudness and urgency in Nessa's voice. "You're soaking wet! Dear Oz! You have to get dry!"

"I'll be fine," Elphaba replied quietly as she dropped her gaze to the floor.

"The longer you stay in those wet clothes the worse you're going to get burnt!"

"I'll be fine," Elphaba repeated.

"I'm not talking to you until you get dry." Nessa crossed her arms and leveled an annoyed stare on her sister.

"I have nothing to wear here," Elphaba said; trying to make excuses.

"There's a bathroom –" Nessa pointed to her left where the bathroom door sat slightly adjured. "– and there are towels. Now go get dry and then I'll talk to you about whatever is bothering you."

"You're not going to cast me out?"

"Elphaba…" Nessa's voice was low and dangerous. "I'm not going to do anything until you get dry! Then once I know you're not going to die on me then maybe I'll yell at you for what you've done and maybe you can tell me why you're here. But until you get dry nothing is going to happen!"

Elphaba finally relented to her sister's orders and disappeared in to the bathroom. It took nearly half an hour but eventually Elphaba reemerged; naked save for the towel that she had wrapped around her body. Nessa watched in concern as her sister walked with slow, heavy steps and seemed to be on the very edge of unconsciousness.

Elphaba perched herself on the edge of Nessa's bed and simply stared at her hands on her lap. Normally she would be nervously twisted them around each other but her burnt skin made her keep her hands still in fear of causing herself more pain.

"Why were you outside?" Nessa asked, breaking the silence. "You must have known that the storm was nearly upon us."

Elphaba shrugged. Nessa waited for a more detailed response but she got none so instead she simply got directly to the point. "Why did you feel it necessary to come here? What do you want to talk about?"

"Father admitted to me what he did," Elphaba whispered. She clutched the towel in her hands and closed her eyes as she tried not to cry.

"Truly?" Nessa looked skeptical but Elphaba did not notice. "What did he admit to?"

"That he raped me." Elphaba shuddered. She made to wrap her arms around herself but the motion caused her burnt skin to pull painfully and she quickly dropped her hands to her lap again.

"He said that?"

Elphaba opened her eyes and slowly turned her head to look at her sister. She smiled; a small glimmer of hope shining in her eyes. "He cried," she continued. "He… he actually felt guilty. Felt remorse."

"When was this?" Nessa asked; afraid of the answer as she felt a small bubble of dread growing in the pit of her stomach.

"Just now," Elphaba replied. "Before I came here. Why?"

"Elphaba…" Nessa's voice was so quiet that her sister could barely hear her. "Oh, Elphaba… father didn't –"

"I almost feel like a person again," Elphaba interrupted her sister. "Like… like I matter. Like I'm worth something."

"Elphaba…"

"I know you asked him to speak to me but still… the fact that he even did…"

"I never asked him to speak to you."

Elphaba's expression became confused. "But he said?"

"Listen to me… Elphaba he wasn't –"

"Father talked to me of his own accord?" Elphaba's eyes seemed to light up. "He… he actually cared enough to _want_ to talk to me?"

Nessa opened her mouth to speak, to tell Elphaba how mistaken she truly was, but the sight of her sister looking so helpful. So… so _healed_. Made her slowly shut her mouth and keep her silence.

If lying to her sister made Elphaba just a little happier – just a little more healed – then Nessa was more than willing to lie.

"Come lie down," Nessa said as she shuffled over slightly and patted the space beside her. "Come sleep before you faint."

Elphaba nodded slightly and laid down beside her sister. She winced as her burnt skin rubbed against Nessa's bedding. "It hurts," she muttered.

"The burns or the past?"

"Both."

Nessa nodded as she placed a hand on Elphaba's bare shoulder in comfort. She nearly gasped at how hot her sister felt and yet the green girl still shivered with cold. Nessa's concern for Elphaba's health grew even more but she knew there was little she could do.

"Try to sleep, okay?" Nessa said as she made no effort to lie down beside her sister.

Nessarose simply stayed seated, her back resting against the wall, as she listened to her sister's breathing. It slowly became more even, more deep, as exhaustion stole Elphaba from the waking world and sent her in to the bliss of sleep.

"Why are you upset?" Morrible quietly asked from where she stood at the doorway that joined their two rooms. "Frex admitted what he did and as a result Elphaba is starting to heal."

Nessa wiped her tears away and slowly raised her eyes to address the Headmistress. "Father never admitted to anything," Nessa whispered; her voice choked as she tried to speak through her tears.

"But Miss Elphaba said –"

"Father left for home two days ago," Nessa interrupted, her words rushed together. "Elphaba never talked to him. He never said anything to her. She imagined the whole thing!"

Morrible's face twisted in to an expression of shock and bewilderment and then finally settled in to a look of horror and understanding. "She's ill," Morrible whispered.

Nessa nodded. "Her mind is so broken that she is now dreaming up these conversations and believing them to be true!"

"Calm yourself before you become hysterical."

"I should have told her the truth." Nessa dropped her gaze to her sister; watching her sleep.

"Sometimes ignorance is bliss."

"Not when it leads to this… to… to insanity"


	96. Of Fits

**_Author's Note: _**_I'm almost at 200 reviews. Just throwing that out there. Not hinting at anything at all, not in the slightest. Just saying that I am painfully close to 200 reviews._

_Just saying._

_(hint, hint)  
_

_--  
_

_"Sometimes ignorance is bliss."_

_"Not when it leads to insanity."_

--

**Chapter Ninety-Six: Of Fits**

Nessa woke up to find herself nestled against her sister. It took her a few minutes before she could remember why Elphaba was sleeping next to her but when she did she could feel the dread growing inside of her.

The youngest Thropp gently shook her sister's shoulder. "Elphaba?" she questioned. When she got no response she frowned and repeated her sister's name.

Still no response.

"Elphaba?" Nessa's voice was louder, more frantic. She struggled to sit up with just her arms and the headboard to help her. She shook her sister harder. "Elphaba!"

The green girl did not respond. Nessa rolled Elphaba on to her back as fear began to overwhelm her. "Elphaba!' she screamed but no matter how loud Nessa made her voice she could not wake her sister.

Nessa checked for a pulse and, thankfully, found one. But she soon noticed that even though Elphaba was cold to the touch she was covered with a thin layer of sweat and a slight red flush tinted her green cheeks.

"Elphaba, please, wake up." Nessa's voice took on a strange pleading tone as she leaned close to her sister's ear. "Please?"

Then it started. At first it was just a small tremble that shook her green body but soon Nessa found herself looking on in horror as her sister's body began to shake terribly and her limbs thrashed about her. Her eyes snapped open but she did not see; she was not truly awake.

Nessa was thrown off the bed by her sister's uncontrollable fit. She stared in disbelief and despair as Elphaba's eyes rolled in to the back of her head – revealing only their whites – and loud, desperate gasps escaped her throat.

Nessa called for Madame Morrible but by the time the Headmistress arrived Elphaba had calmed down. She now laid as still as could be; naked as the day she was born for her fit had thrown both her towel and Nessa's bedding off of her.

"What in Oz's –"

"She is dying," Nessa interrupted the Headmistress. "My sister is dying."

Morrible turned shocked eyes towards the handicapped Thropp. Nessa sat, her legs crumpled underneath her, on the floor. Her face was blank as she simply stared at the unmoving, barely breathing Elphaba.

"Please," Nessa said; her voice a hoarse whisper. "Somebody… somebody save her."


	97. Of Pain

"_Please," Nessa said; her voice a hoarse whisper. "Somebody… somebody save her." _

--

**Chapter Ninety-Seven: Of Pain…**

Something warm trickled down her throat; she swallowed instinctively even though she did not know what it was. The more she swallowed the more warm liquid there was to be placed in her mouth. She tried to open her eyes but found that her eyelids were heavy and she had not the strength to fight against her exhaustion. Her head ached; seemingly rebelling against the very idea of consciousness.

"I think she's waking."

The words were quiet, hollow, and seemed so very far away from her. Elphaba tried to place the voice but she could not. It was familiar but there was no name in her mind that she could match it with.

The pain was sudden. It seemed to shoot out from the center of head and attack the rest of her body. She went stiff, rigid, and nearly choked on the liquid in her mouth. She could hear sounds around her but they were undistinguishable; a mess of syllables she could not decipher.

When the pain finally dulled – minutes, hours later, she did not know – she opened her eyes.

All she could see was white. It burned her eyes, made her head throb, and she quickly shut them. A few minutes later she dared to attempt to see again and this time, when she opened her eyes, her vision was blurred and gray.

The more she blinked the more she saw. Soon shapes started to form and colour came back to her sight. The first thing she saw, and could name, was the ceiling. When she turned her head she laid eyes on the figures of three people; two standing and one sitting.

_Glinda. Nessa._

Elphaba opened her mouth to speak but no words came out. She tried to sit up but found herself unable to move. Panic grew in her as she felt frozen, trapped. She could not talk, she could not move, she could not communicate.

"Elphie?"

The word sounded odd to Elphaba; too quiet and too hollow. She struggled to place who had said it and what it meant. _Is it my name? _she thought. She believed it was but she could not be sure, she could not be positive.

And that scared her.

The blonde figure stepped closer to Elphaba, grabbed a green hand in her own. _Glinda. _Elphaba knew her name but seemed unable to figure out exactly who she was.

"Elphie… can you hear me?" Glinda asked.

Elphaba could hear her. She could hear her all too clearly but she could not respond. It frustrated her that she could not speak. It frustrated her that she could not communicate with the world around her.

The other person standing, the woman Elphaba did not know, stepped forward. She knelt down beside the bed to be closer to Elphaba's face. "If you can hear me blink twice, okay?"

Elphaba did what was asked of her. The woman's face lit up, as did Glinda's. There was a hope in their eyes that had not been there before. It gave Elphaba a measure of peace to know that they seemed to care; seemed to want her to be okay.

Then the blood came. It clogged her throat; choked her. She could not breathe. She could not move, could not roll on to her side to make the blood easier to dispel. It dribbled out of her mouth and down her chin and the nurse flew in to action upon seeing it.

The nurse rolled Elphaba on to her side and Glinda and Nessa were both shooed away. In time Elphaba's stomach managed to expel its contents; blood, bile, and the small amount of soup that the nurse had managed to get her to eat. The nurse had no idea why Elpahaba was bleeding inside. Or why she could not speak or move. All the nurse could do was offer her assistance and hope for healing.

Soon exhaustion over took Elphaba and the green girl fell in to unconsciousness. Her mind could not handle being awake for long and the nurse was not surprised that her stomach's violent reaction to the soup had driven her in to a sleep far deeper than it should be.

Elphaba's body still trembled despite her unconsciousness, the warmth of the room, and the blankets that covered her naked frame.


	98. Of Healing

_Elphaba's body still trembled despite her unconsciousness, the warmth of the room, and the blankets that covered her naked frame._

--

**Chapter Ninety-Eight: …Of Healing**

Elphaba slowly regained consciousness to the feeling of warmth on her body. It took her a few minutes until she was able to recognize the feeling of hands slowly, gently, rubbing her skin. In time the smell of poppies reached her nose and she eventually came to realize that she was smelling her own oils that were being carefully applied to her body by someone else.

_By someone else_.

Elphaba's body stiffened instinctively and her eyes snapped opened as she tried to comprehend what was going on around her. The hands that were touching her body stopped their gentle massaging as the person seemed to sense that Elphaba had awakened.

"Miss Elphaba?" a soft voice whispered. "Can you hear me?"

"Who are you?" Elphaba closed her eyes against the pain that the light brought her. "Where am I?"

"I am a nurse and you are in Shiz University's infirmary," the woman replied as she returned to her job of bathing the green girl. The nurse was ecstatic at the fact that Elphaba could now speak but she did not show it. She was unsure of how much Elphaba remembered from the last time she had awakened and she feared frightening the obviously fragile green girl.

"Why?" Elphaba tried desperately to get her body to relax but no matter how many times she told herself that the nurse was not going to harm her she could not stop her body's reaction to the touch she was receiving.

"You had a fit and then Miss Nessarose could not wake you so you were moved here. Your burns became infected and you have been very ill for the last few days."

"Oh," Elphaba responded, finding that she could think of nothing more to say.

"You very nearly died," the nurse continued. "And your thin state did not help matters."

Elphaba winced as the nurse's hands accidentally found a tender, raw burn on her stomach. Then, in a single moment, the green girl was out of the bed; her arms wrapped tightly around her stomach. She was horrified to find herself completely naked.

Horrified that the nurse could see every scar; every self-inflicted memory of her aching soul.

The room spun around her. Her vision blurred and Elphaba reached out in desperation towards the bed, the wall, the nurse, anything nearby to steady herself. The nurse grabbed her hand, laid a hand on her back, and whispered complete nonsense in to her ear to try and calm her down.

"You must lie back down Miss Elphaba," the nurse said. "Your body is weak and you will faint if you stay standing."

"Please," Elphaba choked out. She found that her voice was hoarse and her throat hurt. "Don't touch me."

The nurse dropped her hand from Elphaba's back but continued to hold on to a green hand in case Elphaba should faint. "If you'd rather I can leave and you can finish bathing yourself on your own."

Elphaba nodded her head but when the nurse turned to leave Elphaba would not let her go. Her green hand clutched tightly on to the woman's hand. The nurse turned confused eyes towards Elphaba; unable to understand why her green patient had sent her away and then refused to let her leave.

Elphaba's eyes were pleading. She had no memory, no recollection of the last time she had awoken. As a result she could not remember that both Glinda and Nessa had been by her side. Therefore she was terrified that her last remaining friend and last remaining family member had abandoned her. She wanted to ask why she was alone, why no one was by her side, but she was fearful of the answer so she kept herself quiet.

The nurse, however, seemed to understand what Elphaba needed and smiled slightly, softly. "I sent you're friends away so I could bathe you," she said; answering Elphaba's unasked question. "I did not wish for them to see you naked."

Relief flooded though Elphaba. It made her mind spin with its force. Suddenly the word was twirling, twirling, twirling so fast that she might as well have been standing still. She felt sick and healthy all at the same time. Her body hurt, her soul ached, but some small part of her heart seemed to beat regularly, with finality.

Then there was only darkness.


	99. Of Denial, Of Need

**_Author's Note: _**_I'm not particularly fond of this chapter but this story is SO close to actually being finished (I can actually see the ending! It's just within my grasp!) that I'm really just trying to push the last few chapters out before I lose this last burst of inspiration that I have. So bear with me through this chapter because the next few ones get better._

--

_Then there was only darkness._

--

**Chapter Ninety-Nine: Of Denial, Of Need  
**

Sound came to her first. Followed be the faint smell of perfume – _was it Glinda's?_ – mixed with the stench of hospital medicine. Then, after blinking for a few minutes, sight joined the list of senses that had returned to her.

"Elphie?"

Elphaba turned her head, slowly to keep her vision from spinning, to lay eyes on her blonde roommate. She smiled, just barely, and opened her mouth to speak but Glinda held up a hand to silence her.

"Don't talk," Glinda said, returning Elphaba's smile. "Just rest, okay?"

Elphaba ignored Glinda's advice. "How long?" she asked, finding her voice sounded weak and tired.

"Nearly a week."

Elphaba closed her eyes. "I'm sorry for scaring you."

"You're sick," Glinda whispered as she took a green hand in her own. "Surely you must see that now?"

Elphaba frowned but made no response. Choosing instead to keep her silence in order to convince herself that she was as healthy as anyone else.

"Nessa told me something that you need to know."

Elphaba opened her eyes to lay a questioning look on Glinda. "What did she say?"

Glinda averted her gaze to look at the floor. "I think that she should be the one to tell you."

"Where is she?"

"I'm right here," Nessa spoke up.

Elphaba turned her head slightly to see that her sister was sitting almost right beside Glinda. She wondered how she did not notice Nessa before but she pushed such a thought out of her mind.

"What is it Nessie?"

Nessarose wrung her hands together in nervousness. "I really should tell you," she muttered, more to herself than to anyone else. "I really should."

Elphaba made to sit up but Glinda placed her other hand on a green shoulder and kept her lying down. "Don't move too much," the blonde said. "Your body is still weak."

"I'm not weak!" Elphaba hissed out but her voice did not hold the conviction she had meant it to.

"I never said you were weak," Glinda tried to explain, "just that your body is."

"Nevermind her," Nessa interrupted. Her words sounded weak; almost as if she was afraid to say what she was planning to say. "Let me speak my part."

"What is it?" Elphaba prodded, both curious and nervous over what was so obviously bothering her sister.

"It's about the conversation you had with father." Nessa kept her eyes downcast as she spoke.

"What about it?"

"I… I don't know how to say this without… without causing you harm. And trust me, if I could keep my silence I would but… but you should know. You must know!"

Elphaba frowned in concern. "Nessie, what is wrong?"

Nessarose snapped her head up to stare at her sister with a piercing look that was meant to shake any thought of foolishness from Elphaba's mind. "Father was not there!" she blurted out; her words came in rushed garbles. Barely understandable but Elphaba caught every word she said. "He left for home two days before you said you spoke to him! You had no great revelation with him! You never talked to him! He wasn't there! You're mind made it up! You deluded yourself in to believing you had such a conversation with him! He was not there!"

"Nessa… he was there," Elphaba whispered, her quiet voice a stark contrast to Nessarose's loud and frantic words. "I saw him. I spoke to him. I touched him."

"Your mind made it up Elphaba!" Nessa was determined to show her sister just how ill she was. "You are so close to the brink of insanity that your mind is making up conversations with people to try and help you heal!"

"What is the harm in that?" Elphaba said. "Whether father was truly there or not should not matter. I spoke to him and he felt guilty. I got a measure of healing from that. Why should it matter if it truly happened or not?"

"Because it was false healing Elphaba! False healing and false hope!"

"Why are you telling me this?" Elphaba's voice was quiet, barely even a whisper. "Why can you not let me rest?"

"Because I cannot sit back and let you believe this things that are false!" Nessa screamed. "If you imagined up this conversation with father then what else have you imagined? What else has your mind made up for you to believe!"

Elphaba ripped her hands from Glinda's grasp and bolted from the bed. She was still naked but that concerned her little now. Both the people with her had seen her naked before and she no longer cared about what they thought when they saw her scars. "Why are you saying these lies!" she screamed. "I am not ill! I did not make-up my conversation with father!"

"Yes you did!" Nessa tried to wheel herself closer to Elphaba but Glinda put a hand on her chair and stopped her.

"Stay back in case she becomes angry," Glinda whispered.

"I already am angry!" Elphaba interrupted Glinda. "And you stay out of this!"

"Elphie… please…" Glinda stood up. "Try to calm down and just listen to what we're saying."

"I refuse to believe that I am ill!"

"You can refuse all you want but the truth is that you are!" Nessa's voice was loud; full of despair and anger. "If you would just admit it we could help you!"

"I'm not ill!"

"This all started when you came here, did it not?" Glinda said; her calm voice a strange contrast to Nessarose's and Elphaba's loud and frantic voices. "Perhaps it is the stress of University that has triggered this all?"

"Nothing has triggered anything because I am _not_ ill!"

"Yes you are! Look at yourself! You're standing naked before us! My sister, in her right mind, would never have done such a thing!" Nessa brought her hands to her head and rubbed her temples in frustration. "Why can you not just accept it?"

"Why are you trying to convince yourself that I am sick? I am not!"

"You have been on the border of insanity for years," Nessa said. "Just look at the scars on your body. They are all the proof that any of us need. But now… now you have crossed the line I fear that you're not going to be able to come back to us."

"I'm not insane! I haven't gone anywhere! You're not making any sense!"

"I'm making perfect sense! You're the one who isn't!"

"Stop this, both of you," Glinda interrupted. "Screaming at each other is not going to help matters." The blonde walked around the bed that separated her and Nessa from Elphaba. "Now can you please just lie back down Elphie?" Glinda tried to make her voice calming, tried to reassure her upset green friend, but Elphaba would not listen to the blonde.

She ran.

Glinda stood frozen in shock as she watched Elphaba flee the infirmary in nothing more than her naked skin. By the time she gathered herself and her bearings Elphaba had already got enough of head start that Glinda had no chance of catching her. Still, the blonde tried to follow behind but when she burst through the infirmary door to find herself outside Elphaba was no where to be seen.

"Where would she go?" Nessa asked in honest concern as she wheeled herself beside Glinda. "She is naked. As soon as anyone sees her they will report her to Morrible."

"Will they?" Glinda quietly asked. She looked down to lay grief-filled eyes on Nessa. "Will anyone really care enough to concern themselves over why their green classmate is running around naked?"

"We've lost her, haven't we?"

"She's upset. She's distraught. And she doesn't want to admit that she is sick." Glinda let out a heavy sigh. "She's not lost, not yet. If we can just get her the help she needs, and the rest she needs, then maybe… just maybe… she'll be okay."

"Glinda," Nessa whispered. "I… I hate to ask this of you but would you –"

"I'll find her," Glinda interrupted. "Do not worry about it."

"I… I can't do this," Nessa continued. "I… I just can't."

Glinda's expression turned harsh as she looked at Nessarose. "Elphie cared for you, protected you, and raised you. Did she not?"

"Well… yes."

"Now it's your turn." Glinda turned her head to watch the students walking past, ignoring them. "Don't give up on her. Don't abandon her. This is your chance to repay Elphie for all she's done for you."

"Repay her?"

"Are you really that selfish? Are you really that much of a bitch?"

"Glinda!"

The blonde shook her head and started to walk away. "It's your choice," she called over her shoulder. "You can stay in this and try to save your sister or you can watch from the background and have her death on your conscious."


	100. Of Want

**_Author's Note: _**_100 CHAPTERS! I honestly did not plan for this story to become this ridiculously long but it has. It kind of developed a life of its own (a life with no definitive time line and a love for drama and horrible things happening at the most inopportune moments) but that is how writing is sometimes. Hopefully you have all enjoyed the first 100 chapters and let us all pray for only a few more chapters before the end (I think I will go insane, and so will all of you, if this story somehow manages to stretch itself in to ANOTHER 100 chapters)._

--

_The blonde shook her head and started to walk away. "It's your choice," she called over her shoulder. "You can stay in this and try to save your sister or you can watch from the background and have her death on your conscious."_

--

**Chapter One Hundred: Of Want**

Elphaba sat on the ground, pulling grass out one blade at a time and piling it up before her. Her legs were folded underneath her and though she knew she was naked she did not care. She had hidden herself away from the brick paths; settling down behind a wall of bushes and smaller trees.

She did not want to be found.

The tears throbbed behind her eyes but she would not allow them to escape. She did not want to think. She did not want to feel. She did not want to hurt. So she simply watched her hands in idle silence as they plucked the grass from the ground, roots and all.

"Miss Elphaba?"

Elphaba looked up at the sound of her name but she quickly dropped her eyes to the ground when she saw who had spoken. "Why are you here?" she asked, her voice barely audible. She wrapped her arms around her chest and tried to fold in to herself to shield her bare body.

"Glinda practically begged me to help find you." Fiyero removed his shirt and handed it, somewhat hesitantly, towards Elphaba.

She looked up and simply stared at the fabric. For a few long minutes she was unsure what Fiyero wanted her to do until she realized that he had removed his shirt for her to wear. She grabbed it, a little too forcefully, and slid it on over her head. It was large on her; covering her nakedness completely. She mumbled a response meant to be of thanks but she doubted it sounded like that.

Fiyero sat down besides Elphaba, careful to keep his distance and to not make any sudden movements. "I don't hate you," he said.

Elphaba had to close her eyes to keep herself from crying. "Yes you do," she said once she could trust herself to speak. "Else why would you have ignored me, abandoned me, as you have?"

"I've ignored you because of the fact that you made me face myself and how much of a vile human being I am."

Elphaba snapped her head up and laid wide, confused eyes on Fiyero. "Why are you saying this?" she asked. "Why are you talking of yourself as such?"

"I was happy that you did what you did."

"Did what?" Elphaba played with a loose thread on Fiyero's shirt in a useless attempt to distract herself.

Fiyero plucked a few blades of grass from the ground and added them to the pile that Elphaba had created. "With Glinda," he replied, his voice quiet and soft. "And the pennyroyal. And… and the child."

Elphaba stared at Fiyero as she was forced silent by her shock. "You… you were _happy_?" she stammered out.

"Yes."

Elphaba closed her eyes. "But… but why?" Her voice shook.

"Because you did what neither of us could do but… but what we… or at least I… wanted. I didn't want a child Elphaba. Not now and, and not with Glinda."

"But you were so… so _angry_," Elphaba choked out. "You _hit_ me!"

Fiyero looked up at Elphaba to find that the green girl was now looking at her hands as they rested on her lap. "I know," Fiyero whispered. "And I'm sorry. That… that was wrong of me."

"But why?"

"I was angry at myself for… for wanting my child dead. And I placed that anger on you. You did not deserve that and it was a terrible mistake on my part."

"You acted like my father." Elphaba's voice was weak as she spoke.

Fiyero dropped his gaze to stare at the grass. "I know."

"It started the same with him."

"Started?"

"At first there were just the cruel words and the odd physical blow. A backhand here, a spanking there. Then… then…" Elphaba's voice faltered and she had to take a moment to compose herself again. "Then it turned in to beatings. And cruel punishments. And finally… finally… rape."

"Elphaba…"

"I don't want to turn you in to the monster that I turned my father in to."

"You didn't turn you father in to who he is today! He became that of his own choice!" Fiyero was horrified that Elphaba could think that it was her fault that her father had abused her as he had.

Green hands twisted around themselves in nervousness. "If I… if I had only done better," she whispered. "If I had only done things right the first time he would never have felt the need to punish me. And if he never had to punish me then he would never have had to become as violent as he did."

"Elphaba! You cannot think like that!"

"It's not what I think Fiyero, it's the truth."

"El–"

"Don't," Elphaba interrupted. "I… I don't want to argue. Not right now."

Fiyero fell silent. He simply watched Elphaba as she nervously twisted her hands around each other. Then she fiddled with the loose thread on Fiyero shirt. Then she pulled a few blades of grass from the ground and added them to the ever-growing pile. Then she returned to intertwining green fingers together.

"What am I?" Elphaba whispered, finally breaking the silence.

Fiyero frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Look at me." Elphaba stopped her frantic motions with her hands and raised her head. She peeked through a curtain of black, tangled hair to meet Fiyero's eyes. "I did not even care as I ran naked from the infirmary."

"Elphaba…"

"I'm sick, aren't I?" Elphaba closed her eyes briefly to hold back her tears before opening them back up to stare, almost pleading, at Fiyero.

"Well… I wouldn't say _sick_," Fiyero replied; trying to keep his voice calm but failing miserably.

"I always have been," Elphaba continued as she completely ignored the Vinkus prince's words. "I've… I've always… always… hurt myself to… to escape the pain. And… that's not normal."

Fiyero reached for a green hand and gently took it. Elphaba stiffened at his touch and almost pulled away but she got her instinctive reaction under control and was soon content to simply let Fiyero hold her hand.

"I don't know how to cope," Elphaba whispered. She closed her eyes. "I never did, did I?"

"I don't believe so."

"I'm sick."

"In a way, yes."

"Help me," Elphaba forced out; her throat constricted with the sobs she was desperately trying to hold back. "Please…"

"You've asked for help before but have never relented to it." Fiyero squeezed her hand in a pitiful attempt at reassurance. "What is so different this time?"

Elphaba opened her eyes. Brown eyes stared in to brown eyes and Fiyero saw such a raw, pleading need for understanding in Elphaba's brown orbs that he did not doubt another word that came from her green lips.

"I don't just need it this time," Elphaba choked out. "I… I _want_ it."


	101. The Shock Of It All

"_I don't just need it this time," Elphaba choked out. "I… I _want _it."_

--

**Chapter One Hundred One: The Shock Of It All**

Glinda was shocked. Shocked that Fiyero had so easily returned to being Elphaba's friend. Shocked that Elphaba had admitted to being sick only while talking to him.

And shocked that Elphaba was simply sitting on her bed, staring at her hands, as Fiyero all but tore the dorm room apart. He had pulled out dresser drawers, opened closet doors, and even searched the bathroom. In time a large pile of half-drunk – and even empty – bottles of whiskey, scotch, and other alcoholic drinks had been piled in the middle of the room. Old knives, some dull and some still sharp, joined the pile along with blood-stained cloths and dirty gauze. Even a few small bags, filled with a white powdered substance that the blonde did not care to identify, were thrown on to the ever-growing pile.

Glinda was shocked at how much Elphaba had managed to hide in their small dorm room. She was shocked that her green roommate had even hidden such self-destructive things under the blonde's own clothing. She was overwhelmed by how much Elphaba had for no reason other than to harm herself.

And Glinda was shocked that she had never noticed that any of it was there before.

"Is that all of it?" Fiyero asked. His voice was quiet but in the silence of the room it seemed as if he was yelling.

Elphaba slowly slid off the bed and kneeled down on the wooden floor. Green lips moved quickly as she silently mouthed a series of words that loosened the magickally sealed floorboard. She gently pried it open before standing up and sitting herself back down on her bed. She still wore Fiyero's shirt and though it was long on her when she stood it only barely covered her. Even knowing that fact she was reluctant to change. Her skin was still burnt and she feared the pain that her own clothes would bring her.

Fiyero quickly crossed the few feet necessary to get to Elphaba's hidden hole beneath the floor. He carefully reached in and pulled out its contents. More half-drunk bottles of alcohol. More knives. More blood-stained cloths.

They were all added to the pile.

When Fiyero was content that he had found all of Elphaba's self-harming tools he sat down on her bed. He did not sit beside her for he knew that his presence made her slightly uncomfortable.

"Why didn't you throw it out?" Glinda asked from where she was sitting on her own bed. Her feet dangled off the edge, not even touching the ground.

Elphaba shrugged but made no further response.

"Weren't you afraid that someone would find it all?"

"No one has ever cared to look before," Elphaba whispered as she stared at her hands.

Glinda gracefully removed herself from her bed and crossed the room; careful to avoid the pile that Fiyero had created. She sat down on Elphaba's bed and shuffled as close to the green girl as she dared to. She wrapped a green hand in her own in silent reassurance.

"What now?" Elphaba asked. Her voice was meek and she mentally cursed herself for how weak she thought she sounded.

"You get better," Glinda said; sounding more like the adult she would become than the young woman she still was. "You get better Elphie… that is what happens next. You. Get. Better."


	102. Of Terror, Of Fear, Of Feelings

"_You get better," Glinda said; sounding more like the adult she would become than the young woman she still was. "You get better Elphie… that is what happens next. You. Get. Better."_

--

**Chapter One Hundred Two: Of Terror, Of Fear, Of Feelings  
**

Glinda was starting to feel sick as she watched Elphaba. The green girl paced erratically in their room; her hands twisting around themselves in some desperate attempt to rid herself of her emotions. The blonde had tried to get her roommate to speak but Elphaba had shut her mouth hours ago and had not spoken a single word no matter how many times Glinda begged her too.

Glinda stood up from her place on her bed and stepped in front of Elphaba's current path. The green girl froze suddenly to prevent herself from running directly in to Glinda.

"At least eat something," Glinda said, her hand sweeping out in the general direction of the forgotten bowl of fruit on her vanity. "Perhaps some food will settle you down."

Elphaba shook her head and tried to push past Glinda but the blonde would have none of it. She laid her hands on Elphaba's and gently pried green fingers apart. "Sit," Glinda ordered. "You've been pacing for forever. Sit down."

Again Elphaba shook her head but at least she did not attempt to pull away from Glinda's touch. "I want a drink," she whispered before clamping her mouth shut. She feared talking too much because she feared dredging up painful memories that she no longer had any way to drown out.

Glinda quickly glanced to the one lone bottle of whiskey that Fiyero and herself had decided to allow Elphaba to keep. It was currently sitting on Glinda's vanity, beside the forgotten fruit bowl, where the blonde could keep an eye on it.

"You already had a drink today," Glinda said as she tried to lead Elphaba to her bed but the green girl would not be moved.

"That was _hours_ ago!" Elphaba hissed out.

"One a day. That's what we decided Elphie," Glinda said; trying to keep her frustration out of her voice. "You had yours earlier. That was your choice."

"One a day is not enough!"

Glinda sighed. "Talk to me," the blonde said. "What has got you so agitated?"

Elphaba ripped her hands out of Glinda's grasp and returned to her pacing. "Everything," she muttered but her voice was too quiet for the blonde to hear.

"Pardon?" Glinda asked as she stepped back slightly to get out of Elphaba's erratic path.

"Everything!" Elphaba turned to face Glinda. "You! Fiyero! Nessa! My father! This room! This school! This… this everything!"

Glinda frowned. "You're not making sense."

"I don't care!"

"Yes you do. If you didn't care you wouldn't even be here."

Elphaba fell silent and began pacing again. Green hands twisted around each other and Glinda was becoming increasingly concerned. "Please," the blonde very nearly begged. "Just sit down."

"Shut-up!" Elphaba's voice was harsher than she meant it to be but she couldn't be concerned with pretending to be okay when her painful memories were just hovering at the edge of her mind.

"Elphie…"

"I can't be still," Elphaba muttered; unaware that she was talking aloud. "I cannot think." She stopped pacing for a moment and closed her eyes. "If I'm still I'll think." She snapped her eyes open and returned to her erratic and frantic pacing.

"Elphaba!" Glinda's voice was loud and commanding. "Calm down!"

The green girl stopped pacing – again – and slowly turned to face Glinda. Brown eyes darted between the blonde and the whiskey bottle sitting on the vanity. In a split second Elphaba lunged for the bottle and Glinda, a step behind, also went for it. Green hands landed on it first and Glinda was mere seconds behind.

But seconds was not close enough.

Elphaba clutched the bottle close to her chest and slowly stepped backwards from her blonde roommate. Her eyes were wide as she stared at Glinda and tried to make sure that the blonde would not attempt to get the bottle from her.

"Elphie… " Glinda's voice was quiet as she tried to be reassuring and supportive. "We made a deal… one drink a day." She held out a pale hand. "Now give me back the whiskey."

Elphaba shook her head; the motion jerky and violent. "I… I need it," she choked out.

"No you don't." Glinda slowly stepped forward to try and get closer to Elphaba. "You only think you do."

Elphaba continued to move backwards until her back hit the closed door to the bathroom. She frowned. "Don't tell me what I think!"

"Elphie, please…" Glinda continued to walk forward and with no where for Elphaba to go the distance between the two quickly dissipated.

Elphaba panicked. She whirled around and disappeared in to the bathroom. The door slammed behind her and Glinda got to it just in time to hear the lock sliding shut.

"Elphaba!" Glinda screamed as she banged on the door. "You get back out here this moment!"

There was no response. For a few terrifying moments all Glinda could hear was the loud, grating sound of drawers being opened and then slammed shut. She heard Elphaba moving about, frantic, as she desperately searched the bathroom. Glinda didn't know what her green friend was looking for but it seemed that she could not find it – whatever _it_ was.

Then there was silence. Glinda held her breath as she tried to figure out what Elphaba was doing but she truly did not know.

The crash startled Glinda and made the blonde jump slightly. It had come from within the bathroom and Glinda was suddenly terrified of what Elphaba might be doing. The fact that Elphaba could have broken the mirror in an attempt to create something sharp to harm herself with was not lost on the blonde.

Glinda slowly tried the door and, to her surprise, found that it opened. She then mentally kicked herself as she remembered that the lock no longer worked properly from when Fiyero had disabled it months ago.

She found Elphaba standing in the middle of the bathroom. The bottle was no longer in sight but as Glinda slowly looked over the room she soon found where it had gone. Glass covered the floor on one side and whiskey was slowly dripping down the wall from the spot in which Elphaba must have thrown the bottle.

"You didn't drink it," Glinda stated as she slowly moved closer to the seemingly frozen Elphaba. "I'm proud of you."

"I can't find it."

Glinda frowned as she carefully grabbed a green hand in her own. "Find what?" she asked even though she had a sinking feeling that she knew exactly what Elphaba had been looking for.

"Fiyero took everything."

"We did that for a reason." Glinda tried to lead Elphaba from the bathroom but the green girl would not allow herself to be moved.

"How did he find it all?"

"He looked Elphie, that's all he did."

"There's nothing left."

"I know."

"Nothing."

"Elphie… please… come sit down."

"What… what am I suppose to do now?" Elphaba's voice was choked and she had to close her eyes to keep her tears at bay.

"Talk?" Glinda suggested as she tried, once again, to lead Elphaba from the bathroom. This time Elphaba did not resist and Glinda was finally successful in her attempt to get the green girl to sit down.

Together they sat in silence on Elphaba's bed. It stretched on for minutes, hours. Neither of them was entirely sure how long it was before any words were spoken but eventually the silence became too suffocating for Elphaba to bear.

"I'm scared."

Glinda started slightly at Elphaba's words and slowly turned her head to look at her green roommate. Elphaba, however, had her eyes downcast and was staring at the floor. Shame and embarrassment had tinted her cheeks a dark green colour.

"It's going to be okay." Glinda squeezed Elphaba's hand in reassurance and comfort.

"You don't know that."

Glinda sighed. "Just talk," she whispered. "Anything. There must be something you can speak of."

"I can't do this."

"Do what?"

"I'm not this strong," Elphaba whispered. "I'm not strong at all."

"Elphie…"

"I can't get better." Elphaba's words were rushed and her voice hoarse as she spoke. "I cannot live without it all. I… I just can't cope!" She pulled her hand from Glinda's grasp and stood up – started pacing again. She clutched at her stomach to prevent herself from vomiting. "I… I can't do it! It all just hurts too much!"

"Elphaba…" Glinda stood up but feared trying to stop her green roommate from her frantic pacing.

"You don't understand!" Elphaba whirled around to face Glinda. "Why can't you understand?" she screamed.

"Elphie!" Glinda tried to make her voice heard above Elphaba's. "Listen to me!"

"I need it!" Elphaba rubbed her neck. Tangled her hands in her hair. Her breathing became quick and shallow; matching her rapid movements. "I can't… I can't… I need it! I… I need the release. You must understand!" She began pacing again. She hugged her arms around herself; suddenly she was cold.

"You didn't drink the whiskey."

Elphaba froze. Her back was towards Glinda and she slowly turned around to face the blonde. "What?" she asked; confused about why Glinda had said what she had.

"You didn't drink the whiskey."

"So?"

Glinda slowly approached Elphaba. "You claim you need the release but when you held it in your hands you did not cave."

Elphaba closed her eyes; shook her head. "I… I should have," she choked out as she desperately tried to keep herself from crying. "I… I… dear Oz I need it!"

Glinda grabbed a hold of both of Elphaba's hands. "No you don't."

"Yes I do!" Elphaba pulled away and turned her back on Glinda. "Don't you see? Without it I'm a mess!"

"I know you're worried… frightened even… but I'm here Elphie. And… and I don't care what happens. I'm going to be with you throughout this all."

"You'll hate me when you see what I am," Elphaba hissed out. "You'll hate me when I have nothing left to hide behind."

"No I won't." Glinda laid a hand on Elphaba's shoulder but the green girl jerked away from the touch.

Elphaba spun around. "How do you know?" she screamed; her voice a high screech that did not suit her. "You've never seen me without the alcohol and the blood and the drugs to hide behind! How do you know that you won't run away screaming from what you see? How!"

"The drugs?" Glinda questioned; her face distorting in confusion and concern.

Elphaba's jaw slackened in shock as she realized what she had said. She had never directly spoken of any drug use; choosing always to skirt around the issue in hopes of convincing herself, in some subconscious way, that she did not do them.

"So you do do drugs," Glinda whispered in shock. "After all you have said you really do do them, don't you?"

Elphaba shook her head but she knew the damage had been done. She had spoken and her words could not be unsaid. "I… I…" Her voice faltered and she began pacing again to distract herself. "You weren't supposed to know about that," she whispered; more to herself than to Glinda. "I wasn't supposed to say that." She wrung her hands together in nervousness. "Stupid, stupid, stupid. Why did I say that?"

"Elphie… please… you must calm down." Glinda grabbed a hold of a green arm and tried to still Elphaba's frantic pacing but she would not be touched; she would not be stopped.

"That was stupid of me," Elphaba continued to mumbled; unaware that she was talking aloud and unaware that she was rambling. "Elphaba, you idiot! Why did you say that? She wasn't supposed to know. The drugs were a secret. Even to yourself. Why did you say that to her?"

"You're going through withdrawals," Glinda stated.

Elphaba shook her head and wrapped her arms around herself. "No I'm not," she muttered. But she wasn't really sure what Glinda had asked; or what she was denying.

"When did you last do them?" the blonde asked.

Elphaba rubbed her temples to try and still the headache developing behind her eyes. "Don't pry," she hissed out between clenched teeth.

"Answer the question."

"I… I don't know!" Elphaba's hands returned to their normal role of twisting around each other.

Glinda stepped in Elphaba's direct path and forced the green girl to stop her pacing by placing two pale hands on green shoulders. "Yes you do," Glinda said. "You know the exact time, down to the minute, since you last had any… don't you?"

Elphaba shook her head. "Stop," she muttered but her voice lacked conviction.

"Why can't you say?"

"Don't push it!" Elphaba tried to jerk out of Glinda's hold but the blonde would have none of it. Glinda was tired – tired of watching Elphaba in her frantic, agitated state – and she was determined to bring an end to it.

"Please Elphie… try to calm down."

Elphaba closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths. "When Fiyero threw it all away," she finally whispered. "Two days, seven hours, and… and forty-three minutes ago. I… I think."

"It's hitting you hard now, isn't it?"

Elphaba nodded slightly and sniffled. "It _hurts_."

"The withdrawal?" Glinda let go of Elphaba's shoulders and grabbed her hand instead. She gently led the shaking green girl to her bed and sat her down.

Elphaba shook her head in response to Glinda's question. "No," she whispered. "Well… yes and no."

"What do you mean?"

"My chest aches."

Glinda smiled, sadly, and let out a small chuckle. Elphaba turned confused eyes towards the blonde. "What's so funny?" Elphaba asked.

"It's feelings Elphie." Glinda gently squeezed the green hand she held. "Without the alcohol and the drugs and the… the self-harming… to numb it all it hurts. And sometimes that happens Elphie. Sometimes emotions hurt."

"But why so much?" Elphaba dropped her gaze to the floor. "Why are they so… _unbearable_? So… _debilitating_?"

"Because what you're feeling is everything. What is hurting you is a lifetime of painful emotions. All you've ever done is ignore them and bury them behind layers of scars and hours spent inebriated. It will pass. In time it will get easier. I promise you that."

"You cannot possibly be sure."

"But I am."

"How?"

Glinda sighed. "Because, unlike you, I did not live my life behind a shield of numbness. I grew up with a drunk of a mother but it has not scarred me because I dealt with it Elphie. I let myself _feel_."

"How can anyone bear this pain?" Elphaba closed her eyes and tried to calm down her ragged breathing. "How can anyone live a lifetime feeling like this?"

"I know it must hurt more for you. I know there's more pain in her heart then in mine but you must let yourself feel before you can begin to recover."

"But why?" Elphaba raised pleading eyes towards Glinda. "Why can I not heal without remembering?"

"You've tried that your whole life and it has never worked."

"_But why_?"

Glinda simply shrugged. "I don't know Elphie. I never claimed to be an expert in the human psyche. I only know that what you've been doing is not working."

Elphaba stood up; startling Glinda. "But how are we to know that this will work any better?" she exclaimed, panic clearly evident in her voice. She started pacing even though she knew that such an action was becoming repetitive and no longer helped to dull the ache in her heart. "What if I simply cannot be saved?"

"You can't think like that!"

"What if what I have is all I'm destined to be? What if there's nothing more for me?" Elphaba voice was high-pitched and she moved with jerky movements. "What if all I'm ever going to be is some drugged-up, alcoholic, _cutter_!"

"Elphaba!" Glinda stood up and tried to make herself commanding. "Get a hold of yourself!"

The blonde's words fell on deaf ears. Elphaba was too far swallowed by terror and fear over the prospect of a future without her self-destructive coping mechanisms to listen to reason. She was overwhelmed by panic and her breathing was coming in short, rapid gasps.

"This is it," Elphaba rambled on; oblivious to the blonde nearby. "This is all my life is destined to be!" She did not notice as her vision began to blur or as her lungs burned as they begged for more oxygen. She did not notice as her skin took on a strange blue-tinge.

"Elphie!"

Elphaba barely registered that Glinda was trying to talk to her. She could hear her blood pounding in her ears as she desperately tried to rid herself of her feelings. She paced faster. Twisted her hands together frantically. Chewed on her bottom lip.

Glinda grabbed Elphaba's arm, just below the elbow, and forced the green girl to stop. "Listen to me!" Glinda screamed as she tried to break through Elphaba's terror and panic. "You _must_ calm down!"

Elphaba began to tremble as her body begged for more oxygen. Her vision swam and her head ached terribly but she could not seem to force herself to calm down.

"Breathe!" Glinda commanded. "Come on Elphie, I know you can do it! Just breathe!"

Elphaba latched on to Glinda's voice and desperately tried to do what was asked of her. Her first few breaths were shaky and did little to help her but the more she listened to Glinda's comforting voice the deeper she breathed. Eventually her skin returned to its normal green colour and her vision cleared.

"Welcome back," Glinda said with a small smile. "I thought you were going to faint for a moment there."

Elphaba's shaking legs gave way beneath her and she collapsed to the floor. The only thing saving her from a disastrous fall was Glinda's steady hand on her arm. "I can't do this," Elphaba choked out as she shifted slightly to more comfortably fold her legs beneath her. "I can't live with this fear."

"You were hardly living before." Glinda wrapped her arm around Elphaba's shoulders and pulled the distraught green girl closer; it was almost a hug.

"At least it didn't hurt!"

"But there was no happiness either, was there?" Glinda said.

Elphaba fell silent. Her body still shook but neither roommate was sure of the reason why. Elphaba's poor health could be caused by exhaustion, withdrawal, malnourishment, or some combination of all three. No one could say for certain.

"I want a drink," Elphaba whispered.

"You already had one today," Glinda said quietly, soothingly. "And besides, you threw the whiskey bottle at the bathroom wall, remember? There's nothing left."

Elphaba nodded. "What can I do?" she whispered. "What will help to dull this pain?"

"Time," Glinda replied. "Time and talking."

"I don't want to talk."

"And you don't have to. But I want you to know that when you're ready too I'll be right hear, ready to listen, okay?"

"So there's nothing I can do?" Elphaba's voice trembled with exhaustion and the remnants of her panic. "I can only wait and hope that the pain will lessen with time?"

"Yes."

Silence. "I'm sorry," Elphaba whispered.

"Whatever for?"

"For… for being such a…a _child_." There was a self-directed disgust in Elphaba's voice that was so raw, so true, that it made a shiver crawl up Glinda's spin.

"It's okay Elphie," the blonde whispered as she tried her best to keep Elphaba as calm as possible. "I know this is hard but I'm proud of you."

Elphaba closed her eyes and turned her head away from Glinda. "No one's ever been proud of me before," she forced out around the lump in her throat.

"Well I am," Glinda said as she hugged Elphaba even closer to her. "I'm proud of you."


	103. Of Shifting Patterns

"_Well I am," Glinda said as she hugged Elphaba even closer to her. "I'm proud of you."_

--

**Chapter One Hundred Three: Of Shifting Patterns**

Her footsteps seemed to echo in her head; mocking, accusing. She had walked this path many times before. The street familiar. She knew every crack, every split in the worn bricks. She knew which lamps were twisted and broken and which ones shined far too brightly for her need.

She shivered. The wind tossed her hair about her face and she clutched her coat closer in a pitiful attempt to keep warm.

She stood in silence in the middle of the street – more of an alleyway – knowing that her next step would bring her to her destination. The lamplight above her flickered, sending strange shadows across her face, as she stared at the man just beyond the circle of light.

She knew him. She knew him all too well. He was the man that she had tried to drive from her mind. Memories of meetings just like this that she had desperately wanted to forget.

He leered at her; a sick, sexual pleasure shining in his dull eyes. He knew his place in this world. He knew his role. He provided desperate people with a last attempt at feeling alive for exchange for a small fee. He took payment in many ways. Some paid with money; some with favours of a murderous nature.

Some paid with sex.

She shifted her weight slightly in order to move forward but something stopped her. She paused and squinted; staring at the man in the shadows. He smiled, his front teeth missing, as he held out a small bag. A bag filled with the promise of forgetting, of relaxation, of bliss.

A bag that she now knew was full of nothing more than lies and shattered dreams.

She hugged her arms around her body. Something shifted in her mind, in her soul. She frowned, shook her head slightly, and turned around. Her footsteps seemed to echo with an obscene loudness in her mind but she took no head of the sound. In a moment she was out of the dark street; out of his territory and his control. She chewed her bottom lip so hard that it began to bleed. She could taste the blood.

She ran.

He watched her as she disappeared from sight. A small frown grew on his face as he shoved his bag of promises – of drugs – back in to his pocket. He had been fond of that particular customer but he had seen in her eyes a renewed sense of life. He knew he had lost her service.

He was a tad regretful. He had always enjoyed fucking the strange green woman.


	104. Of Labels

_He was a tad regretful. He had always enjoyed fucking the strange green woman._

--

**Chapter One Hundred Four: Of Labels**

"Where have you been!"

Elphaba jumped slightly at her blonde roommate's high-pitched voice. She closed the door behind her and slowly turned around to face Glinda to find that both she and Fiyero were sitting on her pink bedding.

"It's nearly three in the morning!" Glinda continued as she stood up. "Where in Oz's name have you been!"

Elphaba did not even bother to take her coat or boats off as she disappeared into the bathroom; slamming the door shut behind her. Glinda made to follow her but Fiyero grabbed her wrist and held her still. "Let her be," he said. "There's nothing in the bathroom for her to hurt herself with."

Glinda frowned and ripped her wrist free of Fiyero's grasp. "Who knows what she brought back with her!" she hissed out.

Fiyero stood up and grabbed Glinda's wrist again. "If she bought drugs she would not be stupid enough to wait to do them here. She would have already done them."

"Would she?" Glinda turned to lay flashing eyes on Fiyero. "How can you be certain!"

Fiyero sighed. "She needs her privacy Glinda. We cannot hover about her constantly. She needs to know that we trust her."

"Do we?"

"I… I…" Fiyero's words faltered as he tried to answer Glinda's question. "I don't know."

Glinda shook her head, pulled her wrist free of Fiyero's hold, and turned on her heels. In a moment she was at the bathroom door and she knocked quickly, quietly.

"Go away," came the mumbled response from within.

"Elphie… are you okay?"

Silence. "Elphie?" Glinda questioned but she got no response. She grew too concerned to stay idle and she slowly opened the door.

Elphaba stood completely still. Her hands rested on the bathroom vanity and she was leaning forward slightly; staring at her reflection. She looked lost, confused. She had removed her coat and it now laid crumpled on the floor.

"Elphie?" Glinda whispered as she stepped over Elphaba's coat and moved to stand behind the green girl. Both their images were now reflected in the mirror.

"I almost did it." Elphaba's voice shook, matching her trembling body.

"Did what?"

Elphaba pushed herself off the vanity and brushed past Glinda and out of the bathroom. She started pacing – an occurrence that no longer shocked Glinda. Fiyero frowned as he watched the green girl's erratic path around the dorm room. He sent a confused look to Glinda, who was standing in the doorway of the bathroom, but the blonde simply shrugged as a response.

"Elphaba," Fiyero whispered. "What's wrong?"

"It's nothing," Elphaba mumbled as she wrung her hands together. "Nothing. Nothing at all."

Fiyero stepped in the way of Elphaba's path and forced her to stop by laying two hands on her shoulders. "What's wrong?" His voice was low, demanding an answer.

Elphaba kept her eyes on the floor. "It was stupid of me," she mumbled. "I shouldn't have even gone. But I… I needed it. It was just so… so _stupid_!" Elphaba knew she was rambling but she could not control the words coming from her mouth.

"What was stupid?" Fiyero asked as he tried to keep his voice soothing.

Elphaba pulled away from Fiyero's hold and started pacing again. She rubbed her arms. Tangled black hair around green hands. Blinked rapidly to keep her tears at bay. Chewed her lip. Ground her teeth together. Chewed her lip again. Twisted her hands together.

"There's… there's this man," she finally said; her voice trembling. "And… and… and he has this… _business_… so to say. And…" Her voice faltered and she fell silent for a few moments before she could trust herself to speak again. "I used to… to pretend that he didn't exist. I… used to… lie to myself about it all." Elphaba's voice was so quiet that she could barely be heard.

"What did you do?" Fiyero prompted as he tried to get a proper answer out of the nervous and agitated green girl.

"I didn't do anything!" she hissed out. "I wanted to! Dear Oz I wanted to! But… but… I just… after all that's… and all you two have done… and all the… and just…" Elphaba seemed to choke on her own words as she sat herself down on the edge of her bed and buried her head in her hands. "It's too much," she muttered. "It's all just too fucking much!"

Glinda sat down beside Elphaba and laid a hand on her knee in comfort. "Who is he?" she asked quietly. "This man. Who is he?"

Elphaba shuddered. "He… he did… I… well… I had no money… I could never pay him so… I… I did… other things…" she mumbled into her hands.

"What did he give you?"

"The drugs."

The room went silent at Elphaba's whispered words. Glinda and Fiyero shared a concerned look before Glinda turned her attention back to her roommate. "And today?" she asked. "Did he…?"

Elphaba stood up, startling both Glinda and Fiyero. "No!" she screamed. "I swear to you that I did not!" She paced; wringing green hands together. "Look at me! If I had done them I would not be like this!"

"You used to pay with sex," Glinda stated. She did not intend for her words to be accusing, they were simply a fact, but Elphaba did not hear them like that.

The green girl whirled around to face the blonde. "Did you think I wanted to?" she screamed.

"Elphie… I didn't mean it –"

"I never had much of a choice in the matter!"

Glinda stood up. "El–"

"I'm already a whore! I might as well get something in return for it!"

Both Glinda and Fiyero's jaws slackened unattractively in shock. For a moment neither of them could find their voices.

"Elphie… oh Elphie…" Glinda stepped forward and grabbed hold of a green hand; she squeezed it gently. "You're not a whore," she whispered.

"My father raped me," she muttered, averting her eyes to stare at the wooden floor. "Avaric raped me. But… but _I_ went to that man. _I_ made that choice. _I_ accepted payment for the… the use of my body." Elphaba closed her eyes to hold her tears back. "I turned myself into a whore for… for a bag that holds nothing more than… than despair! And… pain! And… and death!" Her voice was loud and frantic now; full of disgust at her own actions – her own decisions. She pulled her hand free of Glinda's hold and started pacing; again.

"Elphie… you're not –"

"Don't tell me I'm not!" Elphaba screamed as she hugged her arms around herself. "That's what I am! There's no way around it! I'm just a… a whore! A… a prostitute!"

Fiyero grabbed Elphaba's arm in an attempt to stop her obsessive pacing but she shrugged him off. "Why are you so determined to label yourself?" Fiyero asked. "You don't need a label to define yourself, no one does."

Elphaba was silent for a long time before she could gather her thoughts into some sort of coherent sentence. "Everyone is something," she eventually whispered. "Everyone is either good or evil, nice or a bastard. Our actions decide who we are."

"The world isn't as easy to define as that," Fiyero said. "No one can be entirely good or entirely bad. Look at me."

Elphaba stopped her pacing and slowly raised her eyes to look at Fiyero. "Whatever do you mean?" she asked.

"I hit you," he said. "Yet you still consider me a friend. You still consider me a good person. But isn't striking another human being a wholly evil act? By your words that one action, that one mistake of mine, would make me tainted… an evil person."

Elphaba's eyes widened in shock. "You're not evil," she whispered as his words slowly began to register in her mind.

"But hitting you was an evil act, was it not?"

"I… well… I don't…" Elphaba stumbled over her words. "Maybe?" she questioned.

"There's no _maybe_," Fiyero replied as he grabbed her hand and led her back to her bed. He sat her down and then sat beside her. "It was evil of me but it was also a mistake. It doesn't make me an evil person but it showed me that I was on the edge of becoming that. And knowing you're on the edge can help a person to change."

"Do you… do you think I can change?" Elphaba asked; terrified of the answer she would get.

"Everyone can change," he replied. "As long as you can learn from your mistakes then you can change. Have… have you learnt?"

Elphaba closed her eyes. "I've learnt that it hurts," she muttered. "It hurts _so_ _damn_ _much_!"

"I know it does," Fiyero said. "But sometimes things have to get worse before they get better."

"This isn't worse." Elphaba's eyes snapped open as soon as she realized what she had said. "This isn't worse," she repeated; her voice a breathless whisper. She was not just shocked at her own words but how truthful they really were.

"Elphie…" Glinda whispered as she sat down beside her friend – on the opposite side of her that Fiyero sat.

"I can change," Elphaba said; her voice quiet and yet strangely strong. "I am… I am not a failure. Not a disgrace. And… and I am not a whore."

"No, you are not," Glinda said; taking a green hand in her own. "And look at yourself. You haven't had a drink in nearly a week. And you haven't done drugs or harmed yourself for even longer than that. And… and you're still here. You haven't gone insane from the lack of them. You haven't let your own memories break you."

"I… I don't need them, do I?" A ghost of a smile – a true smile – graced Elphaba's face. "I… I don't… _need_ them."


	105. Of Cravings And Lost Resolve

_"I… I don't need them, do I?" A ghost of a smile – a true smile – graced Elphaba's face. "I… I don't… _need_ them."_

--

**Chapter One Hundred Five: Of Cravings And Lost Resolve**

Glinda could not say she was surprised. Shocked perhaps, but not surprised. However, as shocked as she was she still knew that she had to be strong if there was any hope for Elphaba.

"Elphie?" Glinda asked quietly, hesitantly, as she closed the bathroom door behind her and effectively shut Fiyero out. She was trying to give Elphaba her privacy but she wasn't sure if it would help much.

The green girl sat in the bathtub, staring at the wall and doing nothing more. Thankfully the tub was empty of water but the fact that Elphaba was even in it scared Glinda.

The blonde chose not to spare another glance at the white powder, ordered in far-too-straight lines, on the vanity. She had already figured out what her roommate had done – she didn't need any more painful proof.

"Elphie?" she asked again. No response. Glinda sat down on the edge of the tub and slowly waved her hand in front of Elphaba's face. Still no response. "Elphie… can you hear me?"

"I'm sorry," Elphaba mumbled. Her words were slurred and almost incoherent. She dropped her gaze to stare at her lap.

"You're bleeding." Glinda reached down and placed her hand under Elphaba's chin. She slowly lifted the green girl's face up and then, using the thumb of her other hand, she gently wiped away the blood slowly dripping from Elphaba's nose as well as she could.

"It's from –"

"I know what it's from," Glinda quickly interrupted. "You don't have to say."

"I didn't mean to… to hurt you."

"I know."

"I'm sorry."

"I know," Glinda repeated. "I know Elphie. It's okay. We shouldn't have left you alone."

"Not your fault." Elphaba closed her eyes for the briefest of moments. "Don't… don't… blame yourself. Not your fault."

"Elphie…"

"I… you… I just… I… forgot what I was going to say…" Elphaba's voice trailed off.

"It's okay," Glinda reassured. "Do you want to go to bed?"

"I'm cold."

"Your bed will be warm." Glinda grabbed Elphaba's hand and tried to get her out of the tub but she would not move. "Elphie?"

"I miss singing."

"Elphie, please… try to focus." Glinda let go of Elphaba's hand and wiped away the new blood that had come from her nose.

"I need to talk to Nessie."

"Not right now, okay? Maybe later."

"I miss her."

"Elphie… please…" Glinda was begging now but Elphaba still would not let herself be moved.

"Father hates me."

"He doesn't hate you." Glinda grabbed Elphaba's arm, just above her elbow, and tried to pull her up. "He's just… confused."

"No he's not. He hates me."

"Please… just get out of the tub, okay?"

"I'm cold."

"You've already told me that. If you just went to bed you'd be warmer. Please?"

"Not tired."

"Elphie… please. You need to fall asleep before the drugs wear off."

"I'll take more."

"No you won't," Glinda said; her voice commanding. "You've had more than enough. _Now come on_!"

"Don't yell," Elphaba whispered; her voice weak. "Please."

Glinda sighed. "I'm sorry Elphie. But please… just come to bed."

Elphaba nodded and finally allowed herself to be helped out of the tub. Her body shook and Glinda kept one hand firmly on Elphaba's arm to keep her steady. Blood still dribbled from her green nose but Glinda gave up on trying to wipe it away.

Elphaba could not walk in a straight line and her body was slumped over. Without Glinda she would not have been able to even stand. But even with the blonde beside her she was unable to walk more than a few steps. Her vision blurred slightly and then went completely black an instant before she went limp. Glinda was pulled to the floor by Elphaba's sudden dead weight and she just barely managed to keep her green roommate from striking her head on the tiles.

"Fiyero!" Glinda's voice was high and panicked as she slowly shifted the now unconscious Elphaba so that she laid on her back. Her eyes had rolled back into her head to reveal their whites and her feet and hands twitched slightly. The rest of her was completely still.

Glinda was terrified.

Fiyero burst into the bathroom, fuelled by the fear he had heard in the blonde's voice, and instantly flew into action. He kneeled down beside Elphaba and placed two fingers on her neck. He found a pulse but it was slow and weak. He moved his fingers to Elphaba's mouth to feel no air passing her lips. He lowered his ear to her chest but he could just barely hear her heart beating and her chest did not rise or fall with the normal movement that it should.

She was not breathing.

"How much did she take?" he asked; his voice rushed with panic as he began to press down on her abdomen.

Glinda had shuffled backwards to rest her back against the vanity. "I don't know," she whispered. Her voice shook and horror grew within her as she watched Fiyero. "Her… her nose was bleeding."

Fiyero paused in pushing against Elphaba's abdomen. He pinched her nose, placed his mouth against green lips, and pushed as much air into her lungs as he could. Still no response. He returned to pressing on her abdomen.

"Why?" Glinda questioned. "She was doing so well. Why? Why did… why did she do this?"

"This is what happens." Fiyero breathed into Elphaba again. Continued to push against her abdomen. "When there was nothing left to hide behind she was forced to deal with what she has not dealt with in weeks, months, maybe even years." He paused in his answer to breathe more air into Elphaba's lungs. "She was overwhelmed so she regressed back. It happens. It doesn't mean she's given up." He lowered his ear to her mouth but still there was no sound or feeling of any air passing her lips. She was starting to take on a blue-tinge to her green skin.

Fiyero stopped attempting to get her to breathe and decided to take drastic measures. He rolled her on to her side, opened her mouth with one hand, and jammed his fingers down her throat with his other hand. Glinda screeched in shock but Fiyero ignored her as he focused only on Elphaba as she began to choke.

"What are you doing!" Glinda screamed. "You're hurting her!"

"I'm saving her life!" Fiyero screamed back as he began to fear the worse. "She has taken too much!"

"We don't even know if she swallowed anything!" Glinda moved closer to Elphaba's side and watched in horror as her green roommate began to cough up semi-digested food, stomach acid, and bile.

"I'm not taking the chance!"

"She could choke!"

"I'm watching her! Now shut-up and let me focus!"

Fiyero had shoved his fingers so far down Elphaba's throat that even unconscious her body could not fight her natural gag-reaction. All that was in her stomach came up in violent coughs that shook her whole body. Eventually her body could not handle the torment it was being put through and the stomach acid burned her throat so badly that it began to bleed. Blood now mingled with the food and the bile Fiyero was forcing out of her.

"Stop this!" Glinda grabbed Fiyero's arm. "You're killing her!"

"Leave this to me!"

"She's bleeding!"

"I need to get – " Fiyero fell quiet as alcohol began to bubble out of Elphaba's mouth and around Fiyero's hand. He kept his fingers down Elphaba's throat for a few more moments before the alcohol was replaced with blood and he felt sure that he had gotten all of it out.

He removed his hand and waited just under a minute until Elphaba's violent coughs became almost non-existent. He rolled her back on to her back and lowered his ear to her mouth to once again listen for any sign of breathing.

Nothing.

He pressed his mouth against hers and forced stale air into her unresponsive lungs. He pushed on her abdomen with more force than necessary but fear was driving his actions and causing him to be less careful than he should. He breathed into her. Pushed on her abdomen. Breathe. Push. Breathe. Push.

Glinda's face was stricken with horror as she slowly grabbed on to an ice cold green hand and squeezed it gently.

Breathe.

Glinda cried.

Push.

Fiyero choked back his own tears.

Breathe.

Glinda's tears turned into loud, suffocating sobs she could not suppress.

Push.

The bitter truth could not be ignored.

Breathe.

Fiyero stopped his attempts to revive the green girl. He wiped at his eyes to try and shield his tears from Glinda but she knew. She knew all too well.

She knew but she refused to believe.

"What are you doing!" she screamed; barely able to force her voice out around the lump in her throat. "Why are you stopping!"

"It's over," Fiyero's whispered. He could barely speak through his grief. "She's gone Glinda. She's dead."

"No she isn't!" Glinda let go of Elphaba's hand and leaned over her unresponsive green friend. She grabbed her shoulders. Shook her. "Wake up!" she screamed at her. "For Oz's sake Elphie! Wake up!"

Fiyero grabbed the blonde's arm but Glinda would not allow herself to be pulled away. "Wake up!" she screamed as her tears fell from her eyes; landing on Elphaba's blue-tinged face and burning skin. "You're not dead! You can't be! Wake up!"

"Glinda…" Fiyero pulled at her arm but Glinda was surprisingly strong and would not let go of Elphaba's shoulders.

"Wake up!" Glinda slapped her. She struck green skin so hard that it left a faint red mark. It looked strange on the blue-ish green that was now Elphaba's skin colour. "Wake the fuck up!"

"Glinda!" Fiyero wrapped his arms around Glinda's waist and forcefully dragged her from Elphaba's cold body. "Let it be!" he screamed directly into her ear as he pulled her to the bathtub. "It's over!"

"It can't be!" Glinda struggled with all her might but Fiyero would not let her go. He pulled her into the tub and just barely managed to turn the water on without letting the screaming blonde go.

Glinda froze as the water instantly soaked her. Fiyero hugged her close to himself and she clutched his shirt. She cried; sobs that tore at her throat and made it nearly impossible for her to breathe.

Together they stood in the shower. The cold water rushed over them; hiding their tears but not quite able to mask Glinda's loud sobs. Fiyero tried to talk to the distraught blonde – tried to offer some sort of comfort – but he could not make his voice work no matter how hard he tried.

Then the room went dark, almost completely black, and dropped to an unnaturally cold temperature. It startled both Glinda and Fiyero. In an instant the sunlight returned to streaming through the window but the temperature of the air remained colder than normal.

A gasp.

Glinda snapped her head to look at Elphaba and Fiyero quickly turned the water off. They stared at the unmoving green form on the bathroom floor.

Another gasp.

Fiyero was out of the shower in a moment; stumbling over the bath mat and grabbing for a towel. In seconds he was at Elphaba's side, Glinda right behind him, and desperately trying to soak as much of the water from himself as he could. He gave up, not willing to risk the time it would take to dry off completely, and threw the towel to the side. He placed still wet fingers on Elphaba's mouth to feel the ever-so-slight pressure of air coming from green lips.

He breathed into her. Pushed on her abdomen. Breathe. Push. Breathe. Push. The actions were becoming second nature to him now.

Breathe. Push.

Elphaba choked. Fiyero paused for a moment but when there was no other movement from the green girl he began again.

Breathe. Push.

His lungs were burning now but he feared stopping his rhythm for even a second.

Breathe. Push.

She coughed then. A small, white foam bubbling from her mouth. She coughed again. A line of yellow fluid sprayed out. Fiyero rolled her onto her side and she began coughing violently. Fiyero rubbed her back in soothing circles. Her body was frozen and her skin still tinged blue.

The coughs subsided and turned into shallow gasps for breath. Fiyero watched her carefully and he only allowed himself to feel a small prick of hope when her skin finally began to lose its blue colour.

She was still far too cold.

"Is she?" Glinda's voice was shaking, matching Elphaba's trembling body, and she was fearful of being too hopeful.

Fiyero was silent as he gently picked Elphaba up and carried the unconscious green girl to her bed. Glinda followed behind him.

"You're burning her," Glinda stated as Fiyero's wet clothing soaked Elphaba's and burnt her skin.

"She'll survive."

"Will she?" Glinda wasn't asking about the burns – she was asking about Elphaba's life.

"I… I…" Fiyero laid Elphaba down and pulled her blankets over her. "I don't know," he whispered. He checked her pulse and though it was weak and slow it was steady. He watched her chest rise and fall – barely – as her body began to breathe properly again.

"She almost died," Glinda choked out.

Fiyero shook his head and turned to look at Glinda. "She _was_ dead," he said with a sad smile.

"But… but she's going to be okay, isn't she?" Glinda asked; fearful of the answer.

"I don't know."

Glinda shook her head, stumbled backwards a few feet. "We shouldn't have left her alone," she mumbled before collapsing to her knees. She buried her head in her hands and cried. Her sobs shook her shoulders and stole her voice from her.

Fiyero kneeled down in front of her. He took her in his arms and pulled her close. They were both still soaked from the water but neither took any heed of that fact. They had both just suffered through the terror and grief of Elphaba actually _dying_ that they could barely function.

"We have to watch her until she wakes up," Fiyero whispered. "Make sure she doesn't stop breathing."

Glinda nodded, the motion jerky, as she clutched Fiyero's shirt in desperation. "Why did we leave her alone?" she choked out.

"I don't know," Fiyero replied quietly. "I should have seen this coming. I… I held too much hope that she would not succumb to her cravings."

Glinda pulled away from Fiyero and suddenly stood up. In a moment she was back in the bathroom. Fiyero followed her. He stood at the doorway and simply watched the blonde.

"Where did she get it!" Glinda screamed. "Why did she cave this time! What was different!" Glinda swept her hand over the vanity counter – sending the neatly organized white powder into the air. "Why!" She whirled around to face Fiyero. "Why! For Oz's sake why can't someone just explain to me why!"

Fiyero walked towards Glinda, held out his arms. She backed away from him and out of the corner of her eye she saw something in the tub that should not be there. She turned to look at it fully only to discover that it was a bottle of whiskey, or scotch – she couldn't be sure. She had not noticed it before because Elphaba must have been hiding it behind her back.

She reached over the edge of the tub and picked it up. It was completely full but not with alcohol. It held water tinged a light brown colour from whatever had remained in the bottle when Fiyero had turned the shower on.

"Where did she get it!" Glinda's voice was loud with anger but also filled with desperation and despair. "I swear I'm going to kill each and every person that sells this… this _shit _to her!"

Fiyero gently took the bottle from Glinda's hand. He dumped its contents into the tub and then set the now empty bottle on the vanity. "Let's go," he whispered. "We need to watch Elphaba, remember?"

Glinda nodded and allowed herself to be led back to the main dorm room. They both sat down on the blonde's bed and just watched the rise and fall of Elphaba's chest. It was comforting to them both to see the green girl breathing.

"I'm scared," Glinda whispered as she rested her head on Fiyero's shoulder. "I'm scared for her."

Fiyero wrapped his arm around the blonde's shoulders and held her close. "I know," he said. "I am too."

"She died." Glinda was crying again – Fiyero could tell by the way her voice trembled.

"Yes… yes she did."

"She was dead." Glinda sniffled. "Elphie was… was _dead_."


	106. Of Trying To Trust

**_Author's Note: _**_I completely stole a line from a musical for this chapter (not a Wicked line, a different musical). If you can discover which line it as and the musical from which is comes from you get a cool internet hug from me! AND the knowledge that you probably watch musicals far too much like myself. Yah?_

--

"_She was dead." Glinda sniffled. "Elphie was… was _dead_."_

--

**Chapter One Hundred Six: Of Trying To Trust**

The days dragged by. Hour by hour. Minute by minute. Second by second. Elphaba did not wake; she did not improve. Fiyero and Glinda took turns watching her sleeping form. Their constant vigilance was taking its toll on both of them but they refused to stand by idle and do nothing.

Elphaba stopped breathing on three separate occasions. For two of those occasions Fiyero was on hand to keep her alive. Breathe and push. They were actions now so familiar to the Vinkus prince that he did not have to even think about them any more.

But for one occasion Fiyero was not there and Glinda was forced into the role of Elphaba's saviour. She had nearly vomited as her pale red lips touched green ones but she kept her reaction in check to save her green friend's life.

Breathe and push.

Glinda had seen Fiyero do it many times before but when the responsibility fell on her shoulders she found herself frozen in fear. Elphaba's desperate but useless gasps for air had grated against Glinda's ears. The image of her green skin slowly turning a strange blue colour had burned into the blonde's eyes.

Glinda had held her breathe, pinched Elphaba's nose shut, and touched her lips to green ones. She had breathed into Elphaba, desperate to hold back her vomit. The touch was all together far too close, far too sexual, for the blonde's liking but she had forced herself not to think such thoughts. She had been saving Elphaba's life – and that was all she could allow herself to think about.

Breathe and push.

The blue tinge had eventually faded from Elphaba's green skin. Her breathing returned to normal and Glinda had fled to the bathroom. The blonde's vomit had filled the small commode and left her shaking as she kneeled on the tiled floor.

And that's where Fiyero now found her.

"What's wrong?" he asked quietly as he lowered himself to the floor beside his girlfriend. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close.

Glinda wiped at her mouth with the back of her hand. "Elphie stopped breathing," she whispered.

"Is she?"

"She's fine now." Glinda closed her eyes and leaned into Fiyero's hold. "I… I think."

"Did you have to?"

Glinda nodded, cutting off Fiyero's question. "I just… just did what you always did."

"I see," Fiyero said. "You did the right thing."

"I know but… but that doesn't make it feel any less… _wrong_."

"You didn't do anything wrong. What are you talking about?"

Glinda shook her head slightly. "You don't understand," she muttered.

"There's nothing to _not_ understand." Fiyero frowned in confusion.

Glinda opened her mouth to speak but a sudden choking sound cut off any words she had planned to say. In a second she was standing. She disappeared from the bathroom and stood, frozen in shock, in the middle of the dorm room.

Elphaba's eyes were wide in pain as she curled over herself and clutched her stomach. She was coughing so violently that she could not breathe. Fiyero brushed past the unmoving blonde and kneeled down beside Elphaba's bed. He grabbed a green hand in his own and kept his eyes locked on Elphaba's.

"Can you hear me?" he asked.

Elphaba nodded; the motion jerky and small. She stared at Fiyero, her eyes unmoving and unblinking. Her bedding was tangled around her body, constricting and suffocating. She coughed continuously – expelling phlegm and yellow fluid from her lungs and stomach. It came from her mouth in waves; spraying and dribbling depending on the force of the cough that had dragged it out of her body.

Her one hand clutched on to Fiyero's for dear life while her other arm was wrapped tightly around her stomach. Her whole body ached with a force she had never before experienced. She was unsure what was happening. She was unsure of what _had_ happened. Her memories were foggy and distorted and she could not make sense of them.

Fiyero sat down beside Elphaba and helped her to sit up slightly so that she could more easily breathe. In time Elphaba's coughs subsided and she found that her blurred vision began to clear as oxygen once again found its way into her lungs.

She closed her eyes and slumped, weakly, against Fiyero's shoulder.

"How are you feeling?" Fiyero asked as Glinda settled herself down on the other side of Elphaba.

"I've been better," Elphaba muttered.

"You scared us," Glinda whispered.

"I… I didn't mean to," Elphaba replied as her hazy mind began to clear and her memories returned to her. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Fiyero said as he wrapped his arm around her shoulder to keep her trembling body from collapsing in exhaustion.

"No it's not." Elphaba's voice was weak, barely audible. "I… I'm sorry. I… shouldn't have done… done _it_."

"No you shouldn't have."

"I just wanted to… to not have to… deal with anything." Elphaba's voice shook. "I shouldn't be so weak."

"It's okay Elphie," Glinda whispered. "It happens… it's okay."

"How long?"

Glinda shared a concerned expression with Fiyero before answering. "Over a week," she replied. "Eleven days to be precise."

"Eleven days?" Elphaba opened her eyes and turned to look at Glinda in shock. "But… but I didn't even take that much! How could it have been so long!"

"You died."

Glinda's simple statement caused Elphaba's mouth to open in shock. "I… I _what_?"

"You died," Glinda repeated.

"I… I… there wasn't… it can't… it doesn't… but… how?" Elphaba turned to look at Fiyero in hopes for some sort of explanation. "I didn't take that much! I swear!"

"It's okay," Fiyero said; trying to reassure and calm down the frantic green girl. "You're awake now and you seem to be okay."

"I _seem_ to be okay?" Elphaba screeched. "I died!" She made to stand up, to move away from the suffocating presence of both Fiyero and Glinda, but her body was so weak that she collapsed to her knees as soon as she tried to put any weight on her legs.

"Elphie!" Glinda slid off the bed and kneeled down beside her green roommate. "Are you okay?" she asked.

Elphaba's eyes were closed, her mouth pressed into a thin line, and her bottom lip trembled with the effort it was taking her not to cry. Her hands clenched into fists on her lap and her whole body shook with exhaustion and malnutrition.

"What did you do with it?" Elphaba choked out.

"With what?"

"What was left." Elphaba sniffled. "What happened to it?"

Fiyero got off of Elphaba's bed, moved to stand slightly behind her, and placed a hand on her shoulder. "We got rid of it," he quietly answered.

"I had to give a lot to get it," she muttered.

"I'm sure you did," Fiyero said. "But that was your choice."

"I can't give it up."

Glinda wrapped both her hands around one green fist. "Yes you can," the blonde said. "You already have."

Elphaba's eyes snapped open. She ripped her hand from Glinda's grasp. "I _killed_ myself with it!" she screamed in despair. "_I killed myself_!"

"That was a mistake," Glinda said. "You didn't mean to."

"How do you know that!" Elphaba struggled to stand up. She wanted to run; she wanted to scream.

She wanted to _escape_.

Fiyero grabbed Elphaba's arm to keep her both steady and from fleeing the room. "Did you?" he asked quietly. "Did you really want to kill yourself?"

"I don't know!" Elphaba's voice was high-pitched and choked as she desperately tried not to cry. "I just don't know! I don't know what I want! Or what I need! Or what I should have! I don't know!"

"It's okay." Fiyero tried to pull Elphaba closer to him but she struggled with all the strength she had to free herself from his hold. "It's okay to not know."

"No it's not!" Elphaba whirled around to face Fiyero. "It's not okay! And… and I'm sorry! I'm sorry because I should never have done this! I should never have asked for your help! I failed! I thought I could live without it all but I can't! I just… just can't!"

"Yes you can," Fiyero stated; his voice full of conviction. "Never say you can't because you can. I know you can. Glinda knows you can. And deep down _you_ know you can too."

"But I can't!" Elphaba was near hysterics now as she tried, but failed, to pull her arm free of Fiyero's grasp. "Just let me be! I should have never been friends with you two! All I have done is cause pain and despair through my… my failures!"

"Elphie…" Glinda said quietly. "You haven't failed."

Elphaba turned her attention to the blonde. "Yes I have!" she screamed at Glinda. "I was greedy! I'm not meant for friendship! I'm not meant for someone else to care for me! I should have stayed as I was! A servant to Nessa and my father! I got greedy for more and look where that has caused me to end up!"

Fiyero – fed up with Elphaba's irrational ranting – yanked the green girl towards him. She stumbled, her body weak and unable to fight against Fiyero's strength, and literally fell right into the Vinkus prince's arms. He held her tight, her back against his chest, and would not let her free herself. She kicked and screamed and clawed at his arms but his hold on her did not falter. She drew blood with her nails and at one point she even dared to bite Fiyero's arm in a pitiful attempt to escape.

He did not let go.

Elphaba struggled and fought for so long that she drove herself to complete physical exhaustion. Her legs gave way beneath her and Fiyero, noticing her weakening state, sunk to the floor with her. She let herself lean into Fiyero's body as small choking sounds – dangerously close to sobs – escaped her control. She still held on to the arms that were wrapped around her body but her grip was weak and she knew that Fiyero would not let her go.

"I'm sorry," Elphaba choked out. "I'm so… so sorry…"

"It's okay," Fiyero whispered. "This was just a… a little detour… so to say. You can find your way back to the main road if you don't give up."

"But it's just so much easier," Elphaba mumbled. "It's easier to give in."

"That might be," Glinda said as she kneeled down in front of the trembling green girl. "But the price you have to pay is higher, is it not?"

Elphaba shrugged slightly. "Sometimes… sometimes I feel like I don't even know what I'm giving up anymore. Like there… there couldn't possibly be anything left for me to lose."

"Yourself," Glinda said in a breathless whisper. "You're losing yourself Elphie."

"I never had myself to begin with!" Elphaba spat out.

"That's not true," Glinda said. Her calm voice was a direct contrast to Elphaba's high-pitched frantic tone. "You've had it all along. You're just terrified of what your true self is because you've never seen it, have you? You've always hidden behind something. Whether it's your devotion to raising Nessa, your self-cutting, your drinking, your drug abuse… there's… there's always been something to cover yourself up with. Why?"

"I'm scared I'm a monster," Elphaba whispered. She finally dropped her hands from Fiyero's arms as she completely gave up on trying to escape his hold.

"Why would you think that?"

"Look at what I've done!" Elphaba closed her eyes, took a few deep breaths to try and calm herself down. She opened her eyes to stare directly at Glinda. "I molested you," she whispered. "I –"

"That wasn't your fault," Glinda interrupted. "And you know that. That man was the one who hurt me... who… who touched me. The fact that he used your hand was not your fault. It doesn't make you a monster."

"I killed your child!" Elphaba screamed. "And _that_ is what makes me a monster!"

"Were you on drugs then?" Fiyero quietly asked. "And tell us the truth."

"Does it matter!"

"Yes," Fiyero said. "It does matter. Were you on drugs?"

Elphaba closed her eyes, nodded slightly. "Yes," she whispered.

"How much?" Glinda asked. "How much were you taking?"

"Too much," Elphaba replied; her voice practically inaudible. "Too much. Too often."

"Did it ever cross your mind that perhaps it was the drugs that fuelled your decision then?" Fiyero questioned.

Elphaba shook her head. "I can function on the drugs. I know what I'm doing when I'm on them," she said but her voice was weak and lacked any sense of conviction.

"How can you be certain?"

"Because I am!"

"No one on drugs can function normally," Fiyero explained. "You only thought you were because to you it _was_ normal. But… but to everyone else it wasn't."

"I survived just fine!" Elphaba spat out. "I even did better at school then you two ever did!"

"That's because you're a genius," Glinda said. "That's a natural gift of yours, it doesn't prove anything."

"Yes it does!"

"Elphaba, please…" Fiyero allowed a small hint of pleading to enter his voice. "Can you just try to listen to us without twisting everything around to make yourself into some evil, vile human being?"

"But that's what I am! I've failed at everything I've ever tried to do! It makes me wonder why I even bother to try any more!"

"You don't fail," Glinda said. "Please… listen to us. You have to believe us!"

"How can you say that!" Elphaba tried to move, to stand, but Fiyero still held her tightly and she found herself trapped. She began to claw at his arms again in desperation. "Even when I'm succeeding I still end up failing! It's all I know how to do!"

"You had a set back!" Glinda screamed as she tried to get through to Elphaba. "You can be stronger for it if you would just let yourself!"

"There's no hope for me!" Elphaba was panting now; looking more like a frightened, caged animal than a human. "I thought there was! I clung to the faint idea that there might be some shred of hope there but now I know there isn't! Can't you see that? Can't you see that it's time to give up on me?"

"No it isn't!" Glinda was becoming distraught at the very thought that Elphaba had given up.

"I will never be more than the green freak! The green servant and whore! Face it Glinda! This is all there is for me!" Elphaba lunged forward, the sudden movement shocking Fiyero. She managed, just barely, to break free of his hold. She crawled forward a few feet before Fiyero managed to grab her arm again. He tried to pull her close to him again but at the angle he was at he could not – she had the leverage.

So he went to her instead. Fiyero pinned her to the ground on her back; sat on her stomach. He meant to contain her – to try and calm her down – but she became terrified instead.

Elphaba screamed. A loud, ear-piercing shriek that made both Fiyero and Glinda flinch and lasted for what seemed like hours. The scream turned into desperate gasps for air and then eventually morphed into choking sobs.

Then the tears came. Elphaba thrashed her limbs about her to try and get free. Fiyero moved off of her and the green girl instantly scrambled to her feet. She fled for the bathroom, barely able to function through the sobs that shook her whole body, and blindly searched the vanity for a towel.

Her sobs brought her to her hands and knees and Elphaba shut her eyes in a desperate attempt to get control over her tears but she could not. Suddenly a towel was pressed to her face and Elphaba quickly grabbed it with both her hands. She leaned back on her heels and desperately held the towel to her face to try and keep her salty tears from burning her.

It helped, but only slightly.

Fiyero laid a hand on Elphaba's shoulder to keep her body steady as she cried while Glinda rubbed gentle, soothing circles on her back. In time her trembling seemed to lessen as did the force of her sobs until she was finally able to get her tears under control. She dropped the towel and simply stared at it as it laid on the tiled floor. It was stained wet with her tears.

Her weakness.

Elphaba reached for the vanity and used it to help her stand. She stumbled for the door; ignoring Fiyero and Glinda's questioning gazes.

"Where are you going?" Glinda asked.

"I need to talk to Nessa," Elphaba hissed out as she placed a hand on the door frame to steady herself. "And I need to get away from you two!"

"Nessa's not here," Fiyero said.

Elphaba whirled around to face the Vinkus prince. Her face was burnt, not terribly so but it was still burnt, and Fiyero felt a stab of pity run through him for Elphaba's horrible allergy.

"What do you mean she's gone!" Elphaba snapped.

"She went home," Glinda explained quietly. "It's the summer break Elphie. You missed final exams. You missed going home. I… I don't even know if you have technically passed this year since you didn't do your exams."

"_It's the summer break_?" Elphaba screeched. "But… but that means I… I missed… the Wizard… I was supposed to… it was my last chance… I… I blew it… I… I really fucked up this time…" Elphaba's words trailed off as she slumped down to her knees. "That was… my last chance… it was supposed to be… to be my… my saving grace… the one thing that… that father would be proud of me for…" Elphaba buried her head in her hands as she tried to hold back the new wave of tears that threatened to escape her control. "I couldn't even… couldn't even… _show up_!"

"Elphie…"

"I can't even make it to a fucking meeting!" Elphaba screamed into her hands. "I… I'm useless!"

"Does it matter?" Glinda asked as she kneeled down in front of Elphaba. She grabbed two green hands in her own and gently pried them from her friend's face. "Does it really matter?" she asked again. "This is your life we're trying to save. Does it matter if you missed meeting the Wizard in order to save yourself?"

"Yes! He's _the_ Wizard!" Elphaba yelled; her eyes full of despair and shame. "And all I had to do was show up to a meeting with him! I couldn't even do that!"

"Which is why you need help."

Elphaba shook her head and dropped her gaze to the floor. "I should never have attempted this," she whispered. "To flirt with rescue with no intention of being saved. It's… it's just cruel to you two."

"That's not true," Glinda said. "You _do_ want to be saved. If you didn't you would never have allowed yourself to even attempt to become friends with us."

"I didn't ask for your friendship."

"But you didn't deny it either."

"I… I just don't know what to do," Elphaba whispered.

"Trust us," Glinda said. "That's all we ask. Just trust us."

"I… I don't think I can do that," Elphaba muttered. "My ability to trust has been beaten and raped out of me. It's just… not there anymore."

"Then try," Fiyero spoke up from where he stood. "Just try to trust us."

Elphaba shook her head. "I don't think I can even do that."

"You can't try or you don't want to try?" Fiyero asked. "Do the drugs and the alcohol and the… the cutting really bring you that much relief that you cannot try, for even a little while, to live without them?"

"I don't want to disappoint you two." Elphaba's voice trembled as she tried to keep her tears held back.

"Then don't," Fiyero said. "Just try. That's all we're asking."

Elphaba closed her eyes and nodded slowly. "I'll try," she quietly replied. "But I make no promises."

"We don't want promises," Glinda said as a small smile slowly spread across her face. "We just want effort. And these things are going to happen… these setbacks. You just have to pick yourself back up and try again. And we're going to be right here through it all, okay?"

"Okay…" Elphaba said. "Okay…"

"Oh Elphie!" Glinda was beside herself with joy. "Dear Oz! Thank you!"

Elphaba looked up in shock at Glinda's reaction. "Why are you so happy?" she asked in confusion. "I haven't even done anything."

"You chose to keep trying," Glinda said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "And that's a big step… to… to not give up."

"It is?" Elphaba frowned and it was clear that she did not comprehend how huge of a step forward she had taken.

"Yes!" A few tears managed to escape Glinda's control and trace paths down her pale face. "You stumbled… and you fell… and you caved into your cravings a little… but you didn't give in. And that… that makes me hopeful."

"Hopeful?"

"There's always hope Elphie," Glinda said with a huge grin plastered on her face. "And _you_, Miss Elphaba, are living proof of that."


	107. Of NightTerrors And Comfort

"_There's always hope Elphie," Glinda said with a huge grin plastered on her face. "And _you_, Miss Elphaba, are living proof of that."_

--

**Chapter One Hundred Seven: Of Night-Terrors And Comfort**

Glinda woke up. She could not say why, or what, had caused her to wake. All she knew was that she had woken up at some unnaturally early hour in the morning.

And found Elphaba pacing.

Glinda sat up slowly, rubbing her eyes to get the sleep out of the corners of them. "Elphie?" she questioned; her voice sounding far too loud in the early morning silence.

Elphaba stopped pacing and turned to face the blonde. "I couldn't sleep," she replied before she started pacing again. Her hands twisted around themselves in some sort of attempt at a distraction. Green fingers interlocked together than untangled themselves only to interlock again.

"Why not?"

"I can't control what I think about in my sleep," Elphaba muttered. "I used to just pass out more than sleep… it was easier."

Glinda stood up and grabbed a hold of a green hand – stilling Elphaba's pacing. "Come to bed," Glinda said. "You need the rest."

Elphaba shook her head. "I'm scared," she whispered. "I'm scared of what I'll see."

"That's okay." Glinda gently led Elphaba to her bed and sat her down. "Sleep with me." The blonde pushed Elphaba down on the bed and then laid down beside her. "If anything happens I'll be right here, holding your hand, okay?"

"You don't understand." Elphaba sighed heavily and, despite her resistance, she sunk into Glinda's soft bedding. "You don't know how terrifying it is to… to not know what horrors you're going to see in your sleep."

"Do you wake up when it happens?" Glinda asked as she pulled the sheets over her and Elphaba's bodies. "When you see these horrors, do you wake up?"

"I can't," Elphaba muttered. "Father used to try and wake me but he could not. It's like… like I get trapped in my own mind. You cannot escape a night-terror. Once it strikes there's nothing that can be done."

"Do you get them every time you sleep?"

Elphaba shook her head slightly as her eyes slid shut against her better judgement. "Not always."

"What triggers them?"

"Triggers them?" Elphaba repeated in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"There must be something different that occurs. Something must happen during the days that you end up having night-terrors, don't you think?" Glinda wrapped her arm around Elphaba's body and pulled her close to her in an attempt to calm her down. Elphaba's back now rested against Glinda's chest as they laid on their sides on the blonde's bed.

"I… I don't know," Elphaba said; her words were muffled and slurred as sleep slowly began to creep up on her. "I guess it's just how I… I feel when I fall asleep. If I'm upset there's more of a chance that… that it will happen."

"Are you upset right now?"

"I was," Elphaba said. "But I… I'm not any more. Not… not since you woke up."

"Maybe it won't happen tonight then."

"Maybe…" Elphaba sounded less than convinced.

"If it does know that I'll be right here when it's over, okay?

"Can you promise me something?" Elphaba asked.

"Anything."

"If it happens promise me that you'll try to wake me up." A shiver crawled up Elphaba's spine as the memories of all the terror she had suffered through in her sleep assaulted her mind. "My father never could but… maybe you'll be able to."

"I promise," Glinda replied. "Don't you worry about it, okay?"

"Thank you," Elphaba said as her weariness overcame her. She fell asleep; her breathing becoming deep and slow. Glinda stayed up the rest of the night to watch Elphaba's sleeping form but no terrible memories assaulted the green girl's mind.

It seemed that Glinda's calming presence had driven away the horrifying night-terrors that had so often caused Elphaba to refuse sleep altogether.


	108. Of Release, Of Stealing

_It seemed that Glinda's calming presence had driven away the horrifying night-terrors that had so often caused Elphaba to refuse sleep altogether._

--

**Chapter One Hundred Eight: Of Release, Of Stealing**

Elphaba did not take her eyes off of her blonde roommate as she slept. The pink bedding covered every part of Glinda except her forehead and the mound of limp curls on the top of her head.

Green hands quietly opened up Glinda's purse as brown eyes did not stray from the blonde's sleeping form. The coins made a slight noise as Elphaba grabbed them and the green girl froze in fear – terrified that her roommate would wake up.

She did not.

Elphaba slowly shut the purse and replaced it on Glinda's vanity. Her hand shook as it was clenched into a tight fist that contained the coins she had taken.

_Stolen_.

Elphaba slowly backed away from the blonde until her back hit the door. She turned and fled the dorm room. Not even caring that she wore no shoes, had no coat, or that it was just past midnight.

She needed a release and she needed it _now_.


	109. Of Some Things

_She needed a release and she needed it _now_._

--

**Chapter One Hundred Nine: Of Some Things**

Glinda found Elphaba at the apple tree. She was staring at the graves that were at its base and a half-drank bottle of whiskey was held in her hand.

"There are three graves," Elphaba whispered as Glinda took the bottle from her hand. "There used to only be two."

"I know."

"You buried your child."

"There wasn't anything to bury, remember?" Glinda said as she slowly tipped the bottle and watched the alcohol fall to the ground. "I believe you called my child simply _nothingness_ at one point, did you not?"

"That was wrong of me."

"You've done a lot of things that many would call wrong." Glinda did not mean her words to hurt but even so they still stung Elphaba.

"I'm sorry."

"I buried one of the towels," Glinda said as she let the bottle slip from her grasp. It hit the ground and cracked. "I figured that just maybe, within the blood and fluid, there would be something there that was to become my child."

"I need you to know that it was not the drugs that made me make that decision," Elphaba said; struggling to force her voice out around the lump in her throat. "I do not wish to make excuses for what I've done."

"I know."

Silence. "What kind of parents would we have been?" Elphaba eventually said. "Neither of us really had mothers. How… how would we have been able to be mothers to any other person?"

"I'm sure we would have been able to find a way. After all, is there not a motherly instinct that naturally comes from the birth of a child?"

"My mother never had one," Elphaba said; her voice trembling with the memory. "She would always tell me how… how guilty she felt for the lack of motherly feelings she had towards me."

Glinda frowned. "My mother did until the alcohol stole it away."

Elphaba closed her eyes at the word 'stole' being uttered from the blonde's mouth. "Do you know how I got the whiskey?" she asked quietly.

"I assume you sold your body for it," Glinda replied with a shrug; no longer surprised by how little worth her green friend placed on herself and her body.

"No," Elphaba whispered. "Not this time."

"Then how?"

"I stole money."

Glinda's eyes widened in shock and she turned her head to look at Elphaba's still form standing beside her. "From who?" the blonde questioned.

Elphaba opened her eyes and turned to look at Glinda. "From you."

Glinda raised her hand; meaning to strike the green girl in her initial anger but she caught herself before she committed such a horrendous action. Her arm fell to her side and she just stared at Elphaba.

Elphaba flinched at the blow she thought she would receive. She let out a small sigh of relief when Glinda did not follow through. "I'm sorry," Elphaba muttered. "I… I really am."

"You've sunk so low as to… to _steal_ from me!" Glinda snapped out. "How dare you!" She turned on her heal and began to walk away.

"You told me this would happen!" Elphaba called after the retreating blonde; her voice choked and desperate. "You said I would stumble, would fall, and that I'd need to pick myself up and try again!" She was near tears now, barely able to keep control of her emotions as Glinda continued to walk away from her. "How can I have any hope to get back up if you aren't there to help me!"

Glinda stopped walking and slowly turned to face Elphaba.

"Just listen to me!" Elphaba said. She was dangerously close to pleading. "I only drank half a bottle. I'm not even drunk! I could have stolen more! I could have drank too much and passed out! For Oz's sake I could have bought drugs instead! But I didn't! I didn't because… because… because I didn't want to disappoint you!" Elphaba dropped her eyes to the ground and played with the fabric of her dress in nervousness. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'll pay you back, I swear."

A pale hand grabbed a green one and held it tightly. "Don't."

Elphaba raised her head to look at Glinda. "Pardon?"

"Don't worry about it. I… I don't need the money. It's fine." Glinda smiled warmly. "I'm sorry. I overreacted. You're right. You… you could have done so much worse. And… I'd rather you take my money to pay for your vices then to sell your body."

"Really?"

"Of course!" Glinda was shocked. "Money's just money Elphie. Your body's a treasure and you don't deserve the torment you put it through. Take my money. Take all of it. If you're going to stumble and fall and have a drink… or do drugs even… I'd rather you buy it with my money than with your body."

"But I stole from you!"

"It kept you from giving away your body to some sleazy man in some back alleyway for nothing more than a bottle of whiskey. And… and that's worth something."

"But I stole! How is that any better? Stealing is a crime! Giving away my body is _my_ choice! It's not a crime!"

"Stealing is a crime under the law," Glinda said quietly, reassuringly. "Selling your body is a crime to your soul."

Elphaba ripped her hand free of Glinda's grasp. "But I don't have a soul!"

"Of course you do, everyone does."

Elphaba shook her head, violently, and stumbled backwards. "No I don't!" She fell over her own feet and her back struck the trunk of the apple tree. She slid to the ground and hugged her legs to her chest.

Glinda kneeled down in front of her. "Elphie?" she questioned.

Elphaba slowly opened her eyes – not remembering when she had closed them – and looked at the blonde's concerned face. "What?" she snapped out.

"Let's go back to our room, okay?"

Elphaba shook her head, dropped her gaze to stare at Glinda's shoes. "I need to talk to Nessie," she muttered. "There are questions I need to ask her."

"She's not here and you know that."

"Then I need to go home."

"Write her a letter," Glinda suggested. "Or wait until she gets back. You shouldn't go home."

"I need to."

"I'm not letting you go back to Frex. Not without someone there to protect you from him."

"I don't need protection!"

Glinda sighed. "Elphie… please… don't go home. Let's just go back to our room."

Elphaba closed her eyes and was silent for a very long time. "I'm sorry," she eventually muttered as she let Glinda help her stand up. "For… for failing again."

"Stumbling," Glinda corrected as she led Elphaba back to their dorm. "You didn't fail, you just stumbled a little. And that's okay."

"You're not going to leave me, are you?" Elphaba asked as she stared at the ground, content to let Glinda lead the way.

"Whatever do you mean?"

"No matter how many times I screw up. No matter how many times I… _stumble_… as you call it, you always find I way to forgive me. You're always there to hold my hand."

"Of course."

"I've driven so many people out of my life but… but I can't drive you away."

Glinda stopped walking at Elphaba's words, forcing the green girl to also stop. Elphaba slowly raised her eyes to meet Glinda's questioning gaze. "What?" the green girl asked quietly.

"You've been trying to drive me away?" Glinda asked, shocked. "But why?"

Elphaba shrugged. "It's what I do?" she muttered, unsure of the real reason. "Because you don't deserve to have me dragging you down?"

"Elphie…" Glinda was surprised; completely shocked. "You're not dragging me down!"

"You shouldn't lie." Elphaba averted her eyes to the ground. "Everyone has only ever used me for their needs and then tossed me aside. Why do you continue to stay by my side?"

"Because I'm your friend!"

"How long will it be before you too toss me away?" Elphaba muttered. "How long will it take before even you can no longer deal with me?"

"Elphaba Thropp!" Glinda placed both her hands on the green girl's shoulders. "You listen to me and you listen well!"

Elphaba raised her head to look at the blonde. "No matter what you say it won't rid me off this fear I have," she said before Glinda could continue. "It doesn't matter if my fear is irrational, it doesn't matter if you're absolutely positive that you will never abandon me, I will always carry with me the fear that you will."

"But why?"

"When everyone else in your life has it's hard to let yourself hope that someone else might not." Elphaba closed her eyes again to hold her tears back. "You're a good friend Glinda," she whispered, her voice choked with emotion. "But no matter how much you help me I will forever hold on to the fear that one day I'll wake up and you won't be there any more."

"But I will!"

"You can say that all you want but it won't help." Elphaba opened her eyes and was forced to swallow away the lump in her throat. "I'm sorry Glinda but… but just like how you will never be able to completely trust me after what I did to your child I will… will never be able to rid myself of this fear."

"But it's… it's just so irrational!"

"I know," Elphaba whispered, dropping her gaze to the ground. "I know it is but… but the fear is there and it always will be."

Glinda placed her hand under Elphaba's chin and raised the green face up so that brown eyes were forced to meet blue ones. "What can I do to help you?" she asked quietly. "What do you need to hear, to see, to feel, in order to lessen this fear of yours?"

Elphaba smiled sadly; her eyes full of grief and a sense of resignation. "Some things," she whispered, "some things are just too far ingrained into a person. Some things, Glinda, just… just cannot be healed."


	110. Of Summer Vacations And Rumours

_Elphaba smiled sadly; her eyes full of grief and a sense of resignation. "Some things," she whispered, "some things are just too far ingrained into a person. Some things, Glinda, just… just cannot be healed."_

--

**Chapter One Hundred Ten: Of Summer Vacations And Rumours**

Elphaba walked in silence; clutching her books to her chest as if she was afraid someone would try to take them from her. She had just come from a harrowing day of study – taking three of the six exams she had missed. She was grateful that Madame Morrible had fought on her behalf to make-up the exams but she had done her first three the day before and had just finished her remaining three. So many exams in such a short time had seemed to make her head pound continuously with an ache that she could not subdue.

By some cruel work of nature she turned around the corner to find herself suddenly right behind both Pfannee and Shenshen. Elphaba made to walk around them but their conversation caught her attention. And, against her better judgement, Elphaba found herself unintentionally eavesdropping.

"I cannot believe that Glinda refused to come with us!" Shenshen said, she sounded angry.

Pfannee shrugged. "She claims that Elphaba is very sick and she cannot bear to leave her alone for the summer."

"All she has done this whole year is care for that green bean." Shenshen huffed. "Sometimes I think she doesn't even care about our friendships at all!"

"I must admit, I would choose to spend the summer at Lake Chorge then care for Miss Elphaba," Pfannee replied. "But there must be something about Miss Elphaba that we don't see. I don't think Glinda would suffer her reputation so if there wasn't something of worth to be repaid."

Shenshen crossed her arms. "I still think she's only being friends with Elphaba to seem more caring for Fiyero. I think that Glinda thinks that if she is friends with Elphaba it will show Fiyero that she can see past looks – or something silly like that."

"I don't think Miss Glinda is _that_ shallow," Pfannee said.

"She was when we met her," Shenshen spat out. "We all are! We're girls! That is what we're supposed to be! The only reason Elphaba isn't is because she's that hideous green colour! She couldn't be a girl even if she wanted! Sometimes I think she's more male than female. She definitely looks it!"

"Now that's just cruel," Pfannee said; sounding hurt as if the words were meant for her. "She's been through a lot with Avaric and all, she doesn't deserve that."

"She basically destroyed Glinda's reputation. She deserves it."

"I don't think Glinda's reputation is destroyed. I mean, Miss Elphaba isn't _that_ hated by everyone anymore. Save you, it seems."

"We all came here to find suitable husbands. That is why young women attend University in the first place. But it seems that Elphaba came here to actually learn! And the women who do that are the women who know they are not suitable for marriage."

"I'm sure she'll find a man in time, if she wants it."

"With all the time she spends with Glinda I have a strange feeling that Elphaba prefers the company of women over men."

Pfannee gasped. "It's dangerous to be talking of something like that without proof," she whispered; still in shock of what Shenshen had dared to say.

"And I fear that she will corrupt Glinda into such a vile way of living."

"You're treading dangerous ground!" Pfannee hissed out. "If someone should hear what you're saying!"

"Are you really surprised by my words?" Shenshen asked. "After all, Elphaba has already become used goods in the eyes of men after what Avaric has done to her. She will have a hard time finding a husband with the scars he marked on her now."

"How do you know this? Did Avaric talk to you of it?"

"Maybe I seduced it out of him," Shenshen answered cryptically.

"He hurt her? I mean, more than just… well… _sexually_?" Pfannee whispered the last of her sentence; fearing being overhead.

"He scarred her," Shenshen replied calmly; as if what she was saying was not cruel or hurtful in anyway. "He gave her a permanent mark saved only for those that are whores. And that is what Elphaba will now be to any man who sees her naked. And no man that is looking for an honourable, respectful wife will look at her twice when they see such a scar."

"He did –" Pfannee's words fell short as a sudden thud caused the two girls to freeze. They slowly turn around to investigate the source of the noise.

Elphaba was bent over as she frantically picked up the schoolbooks she had dropped in her surprise. When she had gathered them all up she quickly straightened to find herself staring at the shocked and horrified faces of both Shenshen and Pfannee. Elphaba dropped her gaze to the ground and, with her books clutched against her chest, quickly brushed past them. She had a biting retort sitting on the tip of her tongue but she did not have the heart to say it; she did not wish to start a confrontation.

_Let them think what they want_, Elphaba thought to herself as she tried her best to put as much distance between herself and the two socialistic girls. _Their opinion does not matter_.

But their words had hurt and Elphaba had been stung. Her chest felt constricted and she found it hard to breathe. She came to the realization that she was struggling not to cry.

When she made it to her dorm room she threw her books on her bed and disappeared into the bathroom. Glinda looked at her in worry but Elphaba ignored the blonde as she slammed the door shut and simply stared at herself in the mirror. Her eyes were rimmed red from the force of suppressing her tears and her breaths came in hitched hiccups.

_Why do their words hurt me so? _Elphaba wondered to herself. Never before had the opinion of others that she did not care for matter to her yet Shenshen's words had hurt terribly.

_Because they involved Glinda._

The realization struck Elphaba hard and fast. And it was true. She knew; she knew now what her friendship with Glinda had truly cost the blonde and she came to a sudden decision.

Elphaba opened the bathroom door and stood in the doorframe as she addressed Glinda. "I overheard Shenshen talking just now," Elphaba began. Glinda looked up at her in confusion but did not interrupt. "She said that you had refused her invitation to go to Lake Chorge with her."

Glinda frowned. "That is true," she said. "But why do you care?"

"She also said that you refused because I was sick and you felt you needed to take care of me." Elphaba's voice trembled as she tried to hold back her emotions. She was overwhelmed that Glinda would so easily toss away her social life to stay with her but she also felt _so_ _damn guilty_.

"That might be so," Glinda replied; she sounded hesitant.

"I don't need to be dawdled upon, I'm not a baby!" Elphaba's words were harsher than she intended but she felt coddled, suffocated.

Glinda stood up slowly. "I don't want to leave you alone because I couldn't bear the guilt if something should happen to you while I'm gone," she explained, trying to keep her words from sounding as if she was pitying the green girl.

"And I don't want to feel guilty for destroying your social life!" Elphaba snapped out.

"You're not destroying it."

"Go," Elphaba said. "Go with them!"

"I don't want to."

"Yes you do. Who wouldn't? For Oz's sake it's a house on Lake Chorge for a month!"

"I'd rather stay here with you."

Elphaba shook her head as she found herself unable to believe Glinda's words. "You deserve a break from me," she whispered. "You should go."

"I'm not leaving you alone."

"I won't be alone," Elphaba tried to explain. "Fiyero is still here. And… and even Boq – if he will still welcome my friendship."

Glinda grabbed both of Elphaba's hands and squeezed them gently. "Why can't you believe that I would rather stay with you?" she asked.

Elphaba pulled her hands free of Glinda's grasp and frowned. "Because I am me!" she hissed out. "And Shenshen and Pfannee they are… well… they're the type of friends you're supposed to have!"

"I'm not going with them."

"I'm not going to allow myself to hold you back!"

"You're not holding me back! This is my choice!"

Elphaba crossed her arms and shook her head. "If you don't go with them then I'm no longer going to speak to you!"

Glinda's jaw slackened in shock. "What?" she questioned. "But… but that's so childish!"

Elphaba opened her mouth to speak but she clamped it shut instead. She turned her back on the blonde and made her way to her bed. She grabbed her discarded schoolbooks and began to shove them into the drawer in her nightstand with far more force than necessary.

"Elphie?" Glinda whispered as she made her way to the green girl's side. "Elphie, are you really serious? You're not going to speak to me unless I go?" The blonde spoke as if she didn't quite believe the words she was saying.

Elphaba did not respond.

Glinda shook her head. "You won't be able to keep this up," she said but her voice lacked conviction because the blonde new that if Elphaba was anything it was stubborn; very, very stubborn.

"This is ridiculous," Glinda muttered as she plopped herself down on her bed. She watched Elphaba as she tried to fit all of her books into one drawer in her nightstand. "Sometimes you can be such a… a _child_!"

The blonde waited for some sort of response, some sort of retort, but the green girl did not speak.

"You're really going to do this?" Glinda asked. But yet again she got no response from her silent green roommate. The blonde sighed and got up. "I'm going out if you're going to be like this." Still no response. Glinda shook her head and left, slamming the door behind her with more force than necessary.

Elphaba stopped trying to fit her books into her nightstand and slowly turned to face the now empty dorm room. Her mouth moved on its own, speaking words to the silence that she did not plan to say; "Don't go."

The green girl closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and tried to collect her thoughts. She wanted Glinda to go. She wanted Glinda to have fun without the responsibility of trying to help her. But… but a part of her was afraid; terrified even.

She was terrified that Glinda would leave and – like so many people before her – never come back.


	111. Of Rumours And Security

_She was terrified that Glinda would leave and – like so many people before her – never come back._

--

**Chapter One Hundred Eleven: Of Rumours And Security**

Six days. Glinda watched Elphaba as she sat reading on her bed. For six days the green girl had not spoken a single word to her blonde roommate.

Glinda could not stand it any longer. She caved. "I'll go," she said; her words breaking the silence in the room.

Elphaba looked up from her book. She smiled at Glinda's words but inside she could feel her heart constricting in fear. "Really?" Elphaba asked; her voice quiet in hopefulness.

"If it will make you speak to me again then… then yes… I will go Elphie."

"I don't want you to go just for me. You deserve this. You deserve to have fun."

"I have fun with you."

"You shouldn't lie."

Glinda sighed. "You won't believe me no matter what I say, will you?"

"I'm not a fun person. How could you have fun with me? All you do is spend too much effort trying to save me from myself."

Glinda shook her head. "I'm nervous about leaving you alone."

"I told you, I won't be alone."

"Fiyero isn't around you all the time. He doesn't sleep in the same room as you. What if you get a night-terror? What if you feel like giving into your cravings? You've always talked to me because I'm _here_. When I'm not what will you do?"

Elphaba shrugged. "I'll find a way," she replied. "I always do."

"That's not a very comforting answer."

"I could've lied to you instead. Would you rather me to?"

"No."

"I cannot give you any guarantees but I do know that you won't be with me for the rest of my life. I have to learn to stand on my own two feet."

"But are you ready?"

"We'll soon find out."

Glinda frowned. "Are you trying to push me away again?"

Elphaba dropped her gaze to her book and shrugged slightly. "Does it matter?"

"Of course it does! I'm your friend!"

"Some people think we're more than just friends." Elphaba's eyes widened in horror as she realized what she had unintentionally said. "I'm sorry," she mumbled, trying to fix what she had spoken but knowing that the damage had already been done. "I… I shouldn't have said that."

It took a few minutes before Glinda could get past her shock to speak. "Who said that?" she asked in a breathless whisper. "Who would dare to say such a thing?"

"Does it matter?" Elphaba looked up to meet Glinda's horrified gaze. "It just goes to show how much this friendship has ruined your reputation. I wouldn't blame you if you didn't want to be seen with me anymore. Rumours such as that one can be devastating to a woman of such social status as you."

"But… but I would never… you would never… would you?" Glinda stammered over her words and the question she ended up asking surprised both girls in the room.

"Of course not!" Elphaba exclaimed. "I'm many things but I'm not… not _that_! How could you even consider such a thing?"

"I'm sorry," Glinda apologized. "I shouldn't have even asked."

"No, you shouldn't have." Elphaba felt stung. How could Glinda even consider that she would prefer women?

They fell into an uneasy silence as Glinda mauled over the words Elphaba had spoken. "Someone actually told you that they… they thought we were more than friends?" she eventually asked.

"I overheard someone saying it," Elphaba replied. "They did not know I was there."

Glinda nodded. "I shall have to investigate. Such vile rumours cannot go unchecked."

"I'm sure no one really believes it." Elphaba dropped her gaze back to her book. She chewed her bottom lip in concentration. "It's just talk," she said distractedly, "idle chatter to pass the time."

"Still… people shouldn't be saying such things."

"At one point you would have been one of the people spreading such vile rumours."

"That may be but I've changed."

"So I've noticed."

"Why are you being so cold?"

"Am I?" Elphaba shrugged. "I don't mean to be."

"I think you do mean to be," Glinda said as she slid of her bed, crossed the small room, and sat down beside Elphaba. She closed the green girl's book. "What are you not telling me?"

Elphaba looked up from her now closed book. "I'm not hiding anything."

"But you are. You only get this distant when you're hiding something from me. What is it?"

Elphaba turned her head and dropped her gaze a little to stare at a knot in the wooden floor. "It's just something silly," she whispered. "You needn't to worry about it."

"Nothing's silly Elphie," Glinda said. She took a green hand in her own. "What is it? What's bothering you?"

"I want you to go," Elphaba began. "I really do…" She trailed off; unable to finish her thoughts out loud.

"But?" Glinda prodded, trying to get an answer out of her green friend.

"I'm afraid," she whispered.

"Afraid of what?"

"That… that you'll see what you've been missing and you… won't want to come back to me."

Glinda's mouth opened in shock. "I would never do that!"

"I know," Elphaba replied; her voice barely audible. "But… but some fears cannot be shaken."

"If you are so worried about me abandoning you then why do you insist so on me going?"

"Because you _should_ abandon me." Elphaba held up a hand to silence any response that Glinda tried to make. "Because I'm holding you back and you don't deserve that."

"You're not –"

"Go with them," Elphaba interrupted. "Spend some time away from me. If you come back and you truly do not wish to carry the burden of me with you any longer I will not hold it against you."

"This isn't a test!"

"Go," Elphaba insisted. "Spend a month away from me and then decide what you want. I don't think you understand what you're missing."

"I don't think you understand that I don't care about all that anymore!"

"Go," Elphaba stated; her voice loud and authoritative. "Go and make your decision yourself or I will make it for you by going home and never coming back."

"You cannot go back to your father! He is a monster towards you!"

"I will."

Glinda let go of Elphaba's hand and stood up; almost as if she was angry. "You're practically guilting me into going!" she screamed.

"Maybe I am… but it's for your own good."

"How can you be certain of that?" Glinda was furious. "You thought killing my child was for my own good too! And look where that ended up!"

Elphaba looked hurt. "This decision isn't harming anyone," she whispered.

"It could harm you! Who knows what you'll get into when you're left alone!"

"We'll have to see how that plays out."

Glinda rubbed her temples in frustration – trying to still the headache forming behind her eyes. "You're not making me feel any more comfortable about this all!"

"I'm not trying to make you feel comfortable… I'm trying to help you see what your life could be without me."

"I don't want a life without you!"

Elphaba's face reflected her shock at the blonde's words but she quickly composed herself. "You won't know that for sure unless you spend some time away from me."

"Fine!" Glinda sat down on her own bed; her body slumped forwards in defeat. "I'll go if only to shut you up and keep you from going back home to that disgusting father of yours."

"Thank you," Elphaba whispered.

"I don't see how this is going to help anything."

Elphaba dropped her gaze to her lap. "If you come back and you still want to be my friend then there will be a sense of… security in that for me."

"Is that what you're searching for?" Glinda asked. "Security? The knowledge that I can leave you for awhile and yet still come back and be your friend?"

"Maybe…"

"And no words I could ever say would you give you that, would they?"

"Words are just words Glinda," Elphaba muttered quietly. "Even yours."


	112. Enough

**_Author's Warning: _**_Drug use and self-harm. _

--

"_Words are just words Glinda," Elphaba muttered quietly. "Even yours."_

--

**Chapter One Hundred Twelve: Enough**

Elphaba tangled her hands in her hair. Chewed on her lip. Rubbed her neck. Played with the fabric of her dress. Braided her hair. Paced. Undid the braid in her hair. Twisted her hands together. Sat down on her bed. Braided her hair again. Stared at the line of white powder on Glinda's vanity. Paced. Chewed her lip until it bled. Tasted the coppery blood on her tongue. Undid the messy braid. Tied her hair into a tight bun. Sat down on her bed again. Stared at the white powder. Smoothed out the fabric of her dress. Chewed on her nails. Tangled her hands together. Paced. Sat down at the vanity. Twirled one of Glinda's bottles of foundation that the blonde had not taken with her. Stared at the powder. Chewed her lip. Fought against her cravings.

Elphaba Thropp, the Thropp Third Descending, gave into her addiction.

In moments the white powder upon Glinda's vanity was gone and Elphaba was wiping at her nose. She closed her eyes and leaned back on the chair she sat in; waiting for the relief that she knew would come.

It left her head spinning and her thoughts both rushed and entirely calm. She felt weightless; without a care in the world. If one were to ask the green girl what her name was she would most likely be unable to answer.

But no one was there to ask. Glinda had gone to Lake Chorge and Fiyero was off doing one thing or the other. Elphaba was alone to face her demons with no one by her side. The isolation was overwhelming and the green girl had simply ran out of things to distract herself with.

One could ask why the drugs were even there – sitting on the vanity within such easy access – and Elphaba would not be able to give a logical answer. It all honesty the green girl knew that she should not even be buying the drugs, much less bringing them back to the dorm room, but there was something about knowing that they were there that gave her comfort.

But with them there it gave her the ability to stumble, the ability to give in, and that was what she had done. And the ease it had come with scared her.

She stood up, knocking the chair over, and tried to make it to her bed. She stumbled over her own feet and fell to the ground. She cracked her head on the wood floor and it made her already blurred vision spin. She tried to stand but could not. She reached for her bed to help steady herself but she was unable to judge depth properly. She thought she was grabbing the bedframe but in reality her hand was over a foot away from it. She was grasping at air and unable to determine that she had to move closer to grab the bed – she thought she was near enough.

Elphaba gave up and chose to simply lie on the floor. The wood was cool against her skin and she let her eyes slide shut. Her body tingled, as if every limb had fallen asleep, and the calmness that she felt was freeing.

Then it came. Slowly and surely, nerve by nerve, reality began to reappear. The green form on the floor began to tremble with a sudden coldness that nearly made her vomit. She snapped her eyes open to find the room dark and spinning. She jarringly stood up, trying desperately to find her balance. She made her way to the bathroom – her path anything but straight. She got her feet tangled beneath her and almost fell again but managed, at the last moment, to catch herself on the wall. She used its steady presence to help her reach the bathroom.

She collapsed onto the tiled floor and crawled the last few feet to the commode. She clutched it in desperation as her body began to expel all the contents of her stomach. She was shaking violently now – both from the coldness the drugs had left her with and the effort it had taken to vomit. She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and stood up… a hand on the vanity to steady herself.

Now came the emptiness.

Elphaba was cold and weak and her mind was screaming at her for more. Her cravings were intense, unbearable even, and if she had had more of the white powder she would have taken it.

But she did not.

The world spun around her but she still managed to find her way back to Glinda's vanity. She grabbed the foundation bottle she had been playing with earlier and threw it against the smooth wood top of the vanity. It shattered, breaking into tiny pieces of porcelain. A green hand grabbed one of the larger pieces and shoved its jagged edge against the skin of her inner wrist.

She sunk to her knees as the porcelain was dragged up her arm to her inner elbow. The blood came then – pouring from her arm and pooling on the dark wood of the floor. Elphaba stared at it as another red line was drawn from her wrist to her inner elbow. Then another. Another. One more.

There was a knock on the door. Someone called Elphaba's name. The green girl did not respond – she did not even notice the sounds. She had shut out the world around her; focusing only on the blood and the numbness it made her feel.

A key rattled in the lock and the door to the dorm room was slowly opened. Fiyero stood for a moment, shocked, in the doorframe. At first he was unable to tell what Elphaba was doing for the green girl's back was facing him but he quickly noticed the blood. How could he not? It stood out in stark contrast to the deep brown colour of the quoxwood floor.

He kneeled down beside Elphaba and placed his large hand over Elphaba's – stilling the harmful movement of the shattered foundation bottle. He took the piece of porcelain from her hand and placed it on the vanity.

Elphaba closed her eyes, recognizing Fiyero's smell, and leaned her head against his shoulder. "Glinda isn't going to come back," she muttered; her words slurred from the remnants of the drugs still coursing through her body.

"Why do you say that?" He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and held her close; trying to share his body warmth.

"Who would want to come back to this? To me?"

"It's okay Elphie… this is just a little setback."

"How many setbacks will there be before you two realize that there is no hope for me?"

"We're not giving up."

"Everyone has their limits." Elphaba shuddered as the coldness came creeping back into her body. The blood still came from her wounded arm and she held it close to her body so it stained her clothes instead of floor. "She hasn't even been gone two days and… and look at me!"

They both fell silent as Fiyero realized that no words he could say would help to lessen the pain that Elphaba was feeling. So he simply held her close instead and hoped that somehow, in some small way, his non-threatening touch would be enough.

But it wasn't because, for Elphaba, nothing would ever truly be enough.


	113. Of Worth

_But it wasn't because, for Elphaba, nothing would ever truly be enough._

--

**Chapter One Hundred Thirteen: Of Worth**

Fiyero watched in silence as Elphaba paced. The green girl seemed frantic, nervous even, as she moved throughout the room. She was twisting her hands around each other; long green fingers locking and unlocking together.

"Do you want to talk?"

Elphaba shook her head at Fiyero's question and continued pacing. It was as if she was trying to block out her own thoughts by the physical exertion required to pace for such a long time.

"What's bothering you?"

Elphaba clamped her mouth shut; refused to talk. She continued pacing as she kept her eyes locked on the ground. She made a conscious effort to not look at the small section of floor by Glinda's vanity that had been permanently stained a darker brown, almost black, colour by her own blood.

"I'm cold," she eventually whispered. It was not the topic that Fiyero had hoped to hear her talk about but at least she _was_ talking.

"You need to eat more," Fiyero replied from where he sat on her bed.

"Everyone tells me that!" Elphaba spat out. "I'm tired of hearing it!"

"Everyone tells you that because it's the truth."

"I'm sick of the truth!"

Fiyero sighed. "All you've done is lie and run away from yourself… it's no surprise that you don't want to face the truth."

"I've faced the truth before but it's never helped!"

"Because you don't give yourself the time necessary to heal." Fiyero stood up and grabbed Elphaba's hand, forcing her to stop her frantic pacing. "You expect everything to just _happen_… it doesn't work that way."

"How am I supposed to get better if I cannot live through the pain of healing!" Elphaba ripped her hand from Fiyero's grasp and started pacing again. "You told me it would be better, happier, without the drugs and the alcohol and… and everything else! But it isn't! It hurts more! It's… it's unbearable!"

"The first little bit is going to be hard. But when your body and your mind gets used to living without your vices then it _will_ be better."

"How do you know that!" Elphaba whirled around to face the Vinkus prince. "You're not me! You don't understand how much it hurts! And the pain is always going to be there! I… I need everything else to function!"

"You didn't do the drugs when you were at home, did you?"

Elphaba frowned at Fiyero's question. "Well… no. There was no where for me to get them."

"Yet you survived, didn't you? You lived with the pain of your past even without the drugs and the alcohol to cover it up."

Elphaba grabbed the sleeve to her frock and yanked it up. She thrust her arm towards Fiyero. "I had this!" she screamed at him; clearly talking about the scars that decorated her arm, "and my devotion to caring for Nessa!"

"Elphaba…" Fiyero's voice trailed off as he took a hold of her green hand and gently pulled her sleeve down to cover the scars. "Elphaba…" He found his voice caught in his throat and there were no words he could speak save for the name of the green girl standing before him. "Elphaba…"

Elphaba dropped her gaze to the floor – embarrassed by her past and her shame and unable to look at Fiyero any longer. "Please," she whispered. "Why can you not just leave me to live my life how I want?"

"You asked for this," Fiyero said; his voice choked with emotion. "You told me you _wanted_ to get better. Have you given up already?"

"I… I don't know."

"Why do you keep going back to it? What drives you to the drugs? What is it about them?"

"They make it… well… for just a moment I feel… feel _nothing_."

"And is that what you want?" Fiyero asked. "Honestly? Is that what you want? Nothingness?"

Elphaba shrugged. "I told you… I just don't know!"

"Then let us make the decisions for you."

"I'm not giving over control of my life to you!"

"But what you're doing isn't working."

"I'll figure something out!"

"You haven't yet."

"Give me time!"

"You've had your whole life and you still haven't found a way to live without something to hide behind."

"Maybe it's because I can't!"

Fiyero smiled sadly. "Trust me… you can."

Elphaba pulled her hand free of Fiyero's hold and began her familiar habit of pacing. "I cannot trust!" she hissed out. "Trust has only ever led me to pain!"

"It's a risk you're going to have to take."

"I cannot!"

"What is life without risks? What is life with daring? You can choose to live as you always have or you can choose to try another path."

"But I know the path I'm already on! I know what it will give me!"

"The path you know is not always the right one to take."

"What gives you the right to determine what path I should be on?" Elphaba was furious now; using her anger to overshadow her fear and doubt.

"The safest path is not always the one with the greatest reward."

"Wouldn't the path I'm already on be the unsafe one? Wouldn't the life without my vices be safer!"

"You know what to expect with the drugs and the alcohol and the cutting… that makes it the safe path for you." Fiyero grabbed Elphaba's arm, tried to stop her pacing, but she shrugged him off and continued on her erratic path throughout the small dorm room. Fiyero sighed. "Take a chance. Take a risk. Dare to see the other path to the end."

"There's no guarantee I'll like what I see when I make it to the end!"

"There's no guarantee you'll even _make_ it to the end on your path. Do you want to die young? Do you want to go insane? Because that is what your current path leads to."

"You cannot know that!"

"Neither can you."

Elphaba finally stopped pacing and sat herself down on her bed. Fiyero found his seat beside her. "Why does getting better have to be so damn painful?" she whispered.

"That is just the way it is."

Silence. Elphaba studied the grain of the wooden floor and Fiyero studied the tense green girl. "Why me?" Elphaba eventually asked; her voice shook with exhaustion and overwhelming emotion. "Why was I born green? Why did father have to hate me so? Why did Avaric rape me? Why me!"

"I don't know." Fiyero took Elphaba's hand in his own and held it tightly; reassuringly.

"Why can I not live without it all?" she continued. "Why am I the one trapped by the horrible vices of this world?"

"You're not trapped," Fiyero said. "No one is forcing you to use them except yourself. You can be free of it all if you would just be willing to deal with your pain."

"But I have dealt with it!"

"That might be true… to some extent… but not enough."

"What is enough! When will it be enough!"

"When you are free of your addictions."

"But that will never happen!"

"Give yourself the chance."

"I'm not worth the chance!" Elphaba stood up and Fiyero let her hand slip from his grasp.

"And that is what it comes down to, isn't it?" he asked. "Deep down you believe that you don't have enough worth in this world to feel happiness, do you?"

"I don't know!" Elphaba started pacing again.

"You don't think you're worth anything, do you?"

Elphaba froze and slowly turned to face Fiyero. The light from the midday sun streamed in through the window and landed directly on her face. It made her green skin seem to glow and Fiyero was struck by how beautiful she looked – in her own odd way.

"What did you say?" she asked; her voice low and dangerous as she sat at the edge of her fury.

"You don't think you're worth anything," Fiyero repeated. He was not afraid of Elphaba's anger. He had dealt with her before when she was at the peak of her fury and he knew he could handle it.

But instead of the anger he thought would come Elphaba simply nodded and turned her back on the Vinkus prince. "I tried," she whispered; her voice choked and quiet. "I tried to attach some sort of worth to myself but… but no matter how hard I tried there just… wasn't anything there of worth."

Fiyero stood up and made his way towards the now still green girl. He wrapped his arms around her abdomen and pulled her close. Her back now touched his chest and he was silent until her natural reaction to stiffen lessened and she began to relax into the close touch.

"Do you really think you're the right person to judge your own worth?" Fiyero quietly asked.

"I don't know what I am anymore," she replied; her voice just as quiet. "I have always been Nessa's caretaker but when we came here… to Shiz… she no longer needed me. My identity was gone."

"And you had to replace it with something, didn't you?"

"I labelled myself a… a whore." Elphaba closed her eyes to hold back her tears as she melted into the warmth of Fiyero's body. "I needed to be… to be _something_. And after what Avaric did to me that was… all I could think of. That was all I could be."

"Then you figured that you'd rather label yourself a drug addicted, alcoholic, self-harmer than a whore."

Elphaba smiled slightly; sadly. "So it seems."

"Isn't it about time you labelled yourself 'Elphaba'? Just plain old 'Elphaba'… nothing more, nothing less."

"Maybe," Elphaba whispered; letting a small hint of hope, of happiness, enter her trembling voice. "Maybe it is time I become… become just… _me_."


	114. Of Forbidden Acts

"_Maybe," Elphaba whispered; letting a small hint of hope, of happiness, enter her trembling voice. "Maybe it is time I become… become just… _me_."_

--

**Chapter One Hundred Fourteen: Of Forbidden Acts**

"Why are we here?" Elphaba asked as she tried to pull the edges of her coat closer to her shivering body.

"You needed to get out," Fiyero replied as he grabbed a hold of a green hand to keep Elphaba from getting separated from him in the crowded streets of the Upper Levels.

"But where are we going?"

"You'll see."

"I don't like secrets."

"Just a few more minutes and then we'll be there."

Elphaba frowned but said no more as she realized that she was not going to get anything out of Fiyero; she would just have to wait and see where he led her. But the fact that she didn't know where she was going made her panic slightly and she couldn't quite focus over the cravings coursing through her body.

Fiyero suddenly turned, shocking Elphaba as he pulled her along, and ducked into a large store that Elphaba would never have even imagined herself as being able to enter. When her eyes adjusted to the bright lights of the building Elphaba found herself frozen in shock at what she saw.

"Is this a… a library?" Elphaba asked in honest confusion as she looked at the rows upon rows of books that surrounded her.

"No," Fiyero explained with a small chuckle. "It's a book store."

Elphaba frowned. "I cannot afford to _buy_ books Fiyero," she said; slightly angry that he would tease her in such a way as to bring her here.

"That's why I'm here. Look around… whatever you want I'll pay for."

"I don't need your charity!" she hissed out but a part of her was excited. And it was that excited part of her that was making her smile; that was making her face glow with excitement.

"It's a gift," Fiyero said. "And you deserve it. Look around. Whatever books you want I'll get for you."

"I could be here for hours," Elphaba said as she slowly took of her coat. "Are you really willing to waste that much time with me?"

"It's not wasting time when it's with you."

A store clerk took Elphaba's coat from her, shocking the green girl, and Elphaba turned wide eyes towards Fiyero. "Are you serious?" she asked in a breathless whisper. "Anything I want?"

"Anything."

"Thank you." Then she was gone. Elphaba soon lost herself in the rows and columns of books. She had forgotten how much she loved to read. She had forgotten how relaxed and calm it had always made her feel.

She placed a book on the table that Fiyero sat at – the fourth book she had picked out – and smiled at the Vinkus prince. "I feel a little guilty," she said, "for taking your money like this."

"I'm giving it to you."

"I know but… but still…" She sighed. "Reading makes me feel like how the drugs do." Elphaba clamped her mouth shut at her own words. "Sorry," she whispered as she averted her gaze to the floor. "I didn't mean to say that."

"What do you mean 'like the drugs'?"

Elphaba shrugged. "It calms me down."

"Then why did you stop?"

"I don't know," Elphaba replied. "It just kind of… fell to the wayside."

"Well… maybe it can help fill the hole that your vices will leave behind."

"Maybe." Elphaba smiled slightly, unable to contain her excitement, before returning to the rows of books. In time she managed to search the whole store – spending nearly four hours – and ended up with nine books on the table.

"Just nine?" Fiyero asked as Elphaba sat down beside him.

"Books are expensive."

"I told you that –"

"_You don't care and it's a gift_," Elphaba quoted him. "I know but I'm not one to abuse the charity of others."

"So… just these nine?"

"Yes, Fiyero," Elphaba replied with a smile, "just the _nine_ books."

Fiyero laughed as he stood up and gathered the books in his arms. He paid for them as Elphaba watched, amused, as the store clerk wrapped each one up in protective wrapping and placed them all in a large bag. The green girl gathered her coat from where it hung on the wall – unaware that had she left it a clerk would have gathered it for her – and shrugged it on. Her body still trembled and though Elphaba blamed it on the cold she knew it had to do with the lack of her vices.

When they left the store Elphaba turned to make her way back to the carriage station but Fiyero grabbed her arm and led her down a different path. Elphaba frowned. "Now where are we going?" she asked but Fiyero did not respond.

He led her through the twisting streets but when Elphaba saw exactly where they were going she stopped – frozen in fear – and causing Fiyero to nearly fall as he was pulled to a jerky stop.

He turned to face Elphaba. "What's wrong?" he asked in concern.

"That's… that's…" Elphaba's voice faltered as she stared at the storefront Fiyero was leading her too. "That's the hair salon that… that Glinda was in," she finally managed to choke out. "Before she was… taken. Before… before that… that man…"

Fiyero's face softened at Elphaba's words and he pulled her close – wrapping his arm around her shoulders. "It's okay," he said. "This time it's going to be different, okay? I'm not going to leave you alone in there."

Elphaba shuddered. "It's just a building," she whispered. "It shouldn't make me this afraid."

"Then let's go in," he said. "Nothing's going to happen."

"I can't go in there," Elphaba replied. "I cannot permit such a thing."

"Don't worry." He began to lead her towards the building again. "I've already talked to them… I've taken care of it."

Elphaba nodded slightly and found that it was easier than she ever thought it would be to trust Fiyero. She shrunk into his hold and let him take her where he wanted to. In mere moments they entered the hair salon that, for Elphaba, brought up far too many painful memories.

Fiyero nodded at one of the clerks and took Elphaba's coat from her. She did not pay attention to where he placed it and instead she just stood, dumbfounded, in the middle of the entrance way to the salon. One of the clerks nodded at her with a warm smile – she seemed not to notice, or not care, that Elphaba was green. It shocked Elphaba a little but it was not something she had the energy to maul over.

Fiyero took her hand and gently led her to a chair near the back of the store. She sat down and an older lady came over. "How are you Miss Elphaba?" she asked; her tone warm and caring.

"I'm fine," Elphaba replied; somewhat hesitantly. "And you?"

"I'm doing very well today. Now, have you ever had your hair done professionally before?"

Elphaba shook her head slightly. "No… you see… I have this –"

"Master Fiyero told us all about it," the hairdresser interrupted her. "And do not worry about a thing… I will be very careful."

"But I have to tell you that it's really… well… I just cannot have –"

"No water shall touch your skin Miss Elphaba… that I can assure you. Now just try to relax, okay?"

"That might be difficult…" Elphaba's words trailed off as the old lady put a hand on her shoulder and gently pushed her back. The chair she sat on was specific for hair washing and the back of it gave way slightly so that Elphaba sat at an angle. Her neck settled into the grove of the sink meant for such a thing. The lady gathered Elphaba's hair into the sink and then managed to sneak a large towel over Elphaba's shoulders to protect her.

Elphaba stiffened instinctively as the sound of running water reached her ears but Fiyero grabbed her hand to calm her down. She closed her eyes and tried to will herself somewhere else, where the water wasn't there to threaten her.

The old lady was gentle. Washing Elphaba's hair with more care and gentleness than she did with any other normal customer. She felt a touch of pity for this strange green woman and her odd allergy but yet had the feeling that her customer was not one to accept pity.

"How are you holding up Miss Elphaba?" the old lady asked as she washed the last of the soap from Elphaba's hair. She toweled it dry as much as she could and then began to work a small amount of oil into the long black tresses. She would normally have moved her customers to another chair, one where they could sit more comfortably, but she feared that Elphaba's wet hair might burn her neck should it accidentally touch her.

"I'm okay," Elphaba replied but her voice was tense, matching her stiff body.

The old lady smiled a little as she began to comb out the tangles and knots in Elphaba's hair. By the time she had managed to clear the green girl's hair of all its tangles it had almost completely dried on its own. She used a towel to dry the rest of it as much as possible.

"Now come over to this other chair," the hairdresser said as she helped Elphaba to sit up. She made sure that the towel she had placed on Elphaba's shoulders was pulled up enough to cover her neck.

Elphaba kept her eyes on the ground as the old lady led her towards the other chair. She was nervous of moving too much – nervous that her damp hair might still burn her despite the hairdresser's best effort.

"How much would you like cut off?" the lady asked as Elphaba sat down.

Green shoulders shrugged slightly. "I don't know," she replied. "I… I prefer it long."

The hairdresser nodded in understanding. "Leave it to me… I know what I'm doing."

It took only a few minutes for the lady to trim off the damaged ends of Elphaba's hair. She ran a comb through it one last time and then dried the last of the water out of it with a towel before letting it fall, in its natural wave, down the back of the chair. "You're all done," the lady said. She removed the towel from Elphaba's shoulders and then stepped back to admire her work. "I must say you have the longest hair I have ever dealt with. And it's so thick! All it needed was a little care and now look at how it shines!"

Elphaba finally raised her head to look at herself in the mirror. "Is it dry?" she asked, her voice shaking slightly with nerves.

The lady nodded. "Completely dry, no need to worry at all."

A green hand came up to touch black hair. She slowly ran her fingers through it – feeling how soft it was. She was shocked as she looked at herself in the mirror. The hairdresser gently moved the hair from Elphaba's back so that it cascaded down over her shoulders to cover her breasts. It hung down to nearly her waist now.

"It's… it's beautiful," Elphaba stammered out as she stared at her reflection. "I don't think it's ever looked like this. I mean… mother would wash it sometimes and then… Nessa has before too. But… but never like this."

"It should always be like this," Fiyero said. "You look beautiful."

Elphaba shook her head. "I've never cared for looks," she muttered. "And it… the hair… _it_ looks beautiful Fiyero… not me."

"Elphaba…" Fiyero's voice was low and commanding. "You shouldn't say such things about yourself."

"You shouldn't have done this for me," Elphaba whispered. "It won't last. How could it? This was just a… a waste of money."

"It wasn't a waste."

"It's just hair." Elphaba stood up and turned to address the hairdresser. "And I must thank you… you did a wonderful job but –"

"It's not _just_ hair," Fiyero interrupted. "You deserve to look beautiful, to feel worthy of treatment like this."

The Vinkus prince's words caused Elphaba to turn her attention to him but in doing so she caught her reflection in the full length mirror on the wall behind him. The retort she had planned to say to defend her thoughts fled her mind and was left unsaid as she saw herself. She wore the deep purple dress that Glinda had bought her so long ago and it still complimented her skin as it had the day she had first put it on. Her hair now cascaded over her shoulders and down her chest and back in waves – almost curls now – and shined in a way it had never shined in all her life.

For the briefest of moments Elphaba thought the girl in the reflection was beautiful – stunning even – until she registered the green skin, the pointed nose, the sharp chin, the thin lips, and all the other things that identified the reflection as her own.

She fled.

Fiyero stood in shock as Elphaba ran from him. By the time he had gathered himself the green girl was already long gone. He frowned, mumbled a weak apology to the hairdresser, and dropped a handful of coins – probably too many – into her hand before grabbing Elphaba's coat, and the bag of books, and beginning pursuit.

When he got outside he could not find her. He hoped that perhaps she had simply needed some air and would have waited for him but that was not the case. Wherever she had gone she had gone with the intent of Fiyero not being able to find her.

And he feared what she might get into without someone to watch over her.

He began to walk; unsure of what else he could do but simply look for her. He did not even know what direction to go in. He had no idea where she could possibly be.

He ducked into an alleyway as he had a sinking feeling that he knew exactly what Elphaba was looking for. He was just unsure if she could actually get what she wanted in the Upper Levels. He hoped she couldn't.

But Fiyero was naïve. Just because they were in the Upper Levels did not mean that the vices Elphaba sought were not available. If the alleyway was dark enough and the cravings desperate enough anyone could find what they were searching for in any town in all of Oz.

A whispered voice, choked with suppressed sobs and sounding far too familiar, reached Fiyero's ears and he froze in shock and horror. He had been walking aimlessly for over an hour but it seemed that he had stumbled upon the same dark alleyway that the person he was looking for had also stumbled upon.

"Please…" he heard Elphaba plead. "I don't have any money but… but there must be something I can give you! I'll do anything!"

"Anything?" a man questioned; a voice Fiyero did not recognize.

"I've been looking for… for forever!" Her voice was quiet and desperate. "You see… I have this friend and he's been trying to help me. He's… he's probably going to find me soon since I'm not particularly hard to miss. So… I need to get it now. I don't have time to waste with petty bargaining! Do you want my body?" Her voice got louder the more she talked. "If you want my body than take it! As long as I get what –"

Elphaba's words fell short as the man she was talking too wasted no time in getting what he wanted. Fiyero heard Elphaba gasp in surprise as the man grabbed her. He heard the thud as her back hit the wall of the nearby building. He heard the shuffling of clothing as her dress was thrown up and crumpled at her waist and his pants were pulled down just enough.

The street lights happened to turn on at the precise moment that Fiyero heard Elphaba whimper in pain as the strange man pushed himself into her. As the dull lights flickered on the darkness that had shrouded Elphaba and the man disappeared and Fiyero, still frozen in his shock, saw the sight he had never thought he would.

He saw Elphaba, pinned against the side of the building, letting some stranger use her body for nothing more than carnal… _sexual_… pleasure. His mouth opened in shock and his face twisted into an expression of complete horror. The bag of books and Elphaba's coat slipped from him grasp. The sound they made as they hit the cobblestone echoed throughout the alleyway and made Elphaba snap her eyes open.

Fiyero stood in such a way that from his position he could see everything. He could see the man's membrane itself as he thrust himself forwards and back. He could see Elphaba's body as it tensed each time he pushed in – as if she was trying to resist him even knowing that she could not.

Elphaba turned her head and brown eyes, wide in pain and disgust at herself, met Fiyero's horrified gaze. She closed her eyes. "Stop," she whispered but the man ignored her. He was too focused on getting to the peak of his pleasure that he had not heard the thud of the objects that Fiyero had dropped. He had no idea that someone else was watching them.

"Stop," Elphaba repeated, her voice pleading. "Please…"

He did; not because he chose to but rather because the hands around his neck forced him to. He was pulled from Elphaba's thin frame and thrown against the ground. He was knocked unconscious before he even realized what was happening.

Elphaba sunk to the ground, pulling her dress back down to cover herself, and hugged her knees to her chest. She simply watched in silence as Fiyero continued to beat on the now unconscious man that she had so easily let use her. Eventually she could watch no longer and she dropped her gaze to the ground, letting her hair fall around her face and shielding her from the reality surrounding her.

In time Fiyero managed to sufficiently calm down enough that he could pull himself away from the unconscious man he was unnecessarily beating on to sit himself down beside Elphaba.

"So this is how you paid them," Fiyero said. He was stating a fact, nothing more, but his words still stung Elphaba.

"You weren't supposed to see," she choked out.

"And that makes it okay?"

"It doesn't make it okay. You were just… not supposed to see."

"Why?" Fiyero placed his hand under Elphaba's chin and lifted her head slightly, turning it to face him. "Why did you do it?"

Elphaba closed her eyes for a moment and then slowly stood up. She made her way to the strange man and kneeled down beside him.

"What are you doing?" Fiyero asked in concern as he also stood up.

She opened his jacket and fished through his hidden pockets until she found what she was looking for. "Trust me," she said as she straightened up.

"How can you ask that of me after what you just did!" he hissed out.

"Just grab your shit and trust me!" Elphaba's voice was loud and held a strength to it that Fiyero could not deny. For a reason he could not explain the Vinkus prince found himself unable to find it within himself to argue with the green girl so he simply complied with her wishes. He grabbed her coat and handed it to her but she shook her head, refusing to take it, so he simply held on to it as he gathered the bag of books.

Elphaba grabbed Fiyero's hand and started walking. Her pace was frantic and in her other hand she held tightly on to whatever it was that she had taken from the strange man. "Don't talk," she ordered. "Don't even make a single sound."

"Where are we –"

"Don't talk!"

Fiyero frowned and though he desperately wanted to talk some sense into Elphaba he felt that he could not. Elphaba looked so determined, so focused on what she was doing, that it was difficult for him to believe that she was leading him to somewhere dangerous.

When she finally stopped Fiyero looked around to find that they were in a place no less dark, no less hidden, then where they had previously been. "What are we doing here?" he asked.

Elphaba dropped his hand and turned to look at him. She held out the green hand that was tightly clenched around what she had taken from the man. "Take it," she said. "Please… I need you to… to understand what it feels like. I need you to understand why I can't… can't give it up."

Fiyero put the books and Elphaba's coat on the ground. He gently pried opened Elphaba's long fingers to find what she had been so desperate to get. "You want me…?" He raised his eyes to look at the green girl in disbelief. "You want me to do… _drugs_?"

"Please…" Elphaba's voice was desperate. "Just this once. I'll be right here. Nothing bad will happen, I promise."

"I'm not going to bond with you over drugs!"

"Just one time. One time isn't going to hurt anyone!"

"Is that what you thought?" Fiyero was furious now. "Is that what you told yourself the first time you did them? Because one time is all it takes to become… to become like you!"

Elphaba closed her eyes, shook her head, and then opened her eyes. "Please… if you just knew how they made you feel then… then maybe you'd be able to understand why I keep going back."

"I cannot believe that you would even think to ask me to do this!"

Elphaba, her eyes full of despair and guilt, opened the small bag in her hand and emptied its contents of white powder into her mouth before Fiyero could even register what she had done. She then grabbed Fiyero's shoulder and pinned him against the side of the building in much the same way that she had been pinned less than an hour before. He was shocked at her sudden strength and he was unable to gather his thoughts in time to react before she kissed him. The move was full of anger and built up sexual tension.

Fiyero's eyes widened in horror as he felt Elphaba's tongue in his mouth and then… something else. He pushed her away and she stumbled backwards before falling to the ground. He could taste the powder in his mouth but before he could react, before he could try to get it out, he _felt_ it.

It came with a speed that shocked him and left him feeling light-headed. He pushed himself off the wall and fell to his knees. He clawed at the cracks in the cobblestone road to try and rid himself of the fire that now seemed to rage throughout him.

Then Elphaba was on him again. Before he even knew what was happening she had him on his back and was struggling to undue his belt. "Please…" she begged, speaking through her own drug-induced haze. "Show me what… what touch should mean to me!"

Fiyero grabbed her hands, tried to still her movements. "This isn't right," he muttered as he tried to wiggle his way free of Elphaba but she would not let him go. He found it hard to focus and he wasn't quite sure of what was really going on around him.

"Don't you want to feel good?" Elphaba asked as she leaned down so that her face was so close to Fiyero's that he could feel her hot breath against his lips. "I've made so many men feel good before," she mumbled. "Let me do the same for you."

"You're high," Fiyero said as he continued to try and struggle free but he found himself unable to; Elphaba was thin but her whole body weight was against him and she had the leverage. "We both are. This… isn't right."

"No one needs to know."

"Elphaba… please… stop this…"

She kissed him; long and hard. The motion full of a rage towards herself that was so strong it made her whole body tremble. "I don't care," she muttered before kissing him again.

She finally managed to get his belt undone and she pulled his pants down just enough. She hitched up her own skirt. "Make me feel like a woman," she said, "not a whore."

Fiyero knew what was happening was wrong. He knew that he should stop this but for some reason he could not. Elphaba's advances had brought his own feelings for her to the surface and, fuelled by the drugs, Fiyero found himself all too willing to succumb to Elphaba's desires.

He rolled her onto her back so that he was now the one on top. She smiled and let her eyes slid shut. "Thank you," she whispered. "Thank you."

"This is wrong," Fiyero muttered but no matter how much his mind screamed at him to stop his body was no longer in control. The drugs had him by their grip now and there was nothing he could do to stop his entirely male desires.

He pushed into her. She gasped at the pain it brought her. He kissed her. Making love to her in a way she had never before experienced. He was gentle and desired not just for his own pleasure but also for hers. It was something that was completely foreign to Elphaba. Sex had always brought her pain and terror but for once she felt what a woman should feel in the heat of the moment.

Her nails dug into his back and small moans of pleasure escaped her throat. Fiyero was panting with the effort he was exerting and Elphaba tried to help him as much as possible by matching his rhythm. It didn't take them long as the drugs in their systems fuelled their animalistic feelings and intensified every touch; every purely carnal pleasure they were feeling.

Fiyero reached the peak of his pleasure mere seconds before Elphaba, for the first time in her life, reached hers. She whimpered a little as Fiyero collapsed on top of her in exhaustion. They laid like that for a very long time until Fiyero, who had consumed far less of the drugs than Elphaba, began to return to reality.

"I used to enjoy my father," Elphaba muttered; seemingly unaware of what she was saying. "But never like that."

Fiyero rolled off of Elphaba and simply laid beside her as he tried to collect his scattered thoughts. He was becoming increasingly cold as his body began to filter out the drugs that Elphaba had forced upon him.

"This was wrong," Fiyero whispered as he began to comprehend what had happened; what he had done. He was horrified at his own actions. Horrified at what he had done in the heat of the moment.

And terrified of how Elphaba would react when the drugs left her system.

"I love you," Elphaba whispered.

"That doesn't make this right."

"You love Glinda." Elphaba's eyes snapped open and she turned her head to look at Fiyero. Her eyes were wide with fear. "Glinda! We can't tell Glinda! If she knew I… I did this with you!" Elphaba struggled to stand, using the nearby building to steady herself. Her dress fell to cover her body and her legs shook from exhaustion as she leaned against the outside of the building to stay standing. "She will hate me!"

Fiyero slowly stood up – pulling up his pants and doing his belt back up – and moved closer to stand near Elphaba. "She has to know," Fiyero whispered. "We cannot keep such a secret from her." He grabbed a green hand but Elphaba pulled away from his touch.

"Don't touch me!" she hissed out. She was beginning to sober up and as her mind started to clear she quickly was becoming more and more horrified with what had happened. "Dear Oz," she muttered as she began to pace. "What have I done?"

"What's happened has happened," Fiyero said, trying to calm down the frantic green girl before him. "We have to deal with it."

"You brought me here to help me! You bought me books! Paid to get my hair done!" Elphaba was rambling but she was unable to stop the words that tumbled from her mouth. "You made me feel almost like a… a woman! And look what I have done! I… I fucked it all up!" Elphaba laughed suddenly. A laugh full of despair and self-hate. "Literally," she muttered. "I literally fucked it all up!"

"Elphaba… please… calm down…"

"Don't! Don't try to downplay this! Don't try to fix it! It cannot be fixed!" Elphaba shook her head and tangled her hands in her hair. "This is… is unfixable! This is a disaster!"

"Elphaba…"

"I practically raped you!" Elphaba shrieked. "I raped you!"

Fiyero was horrified that Elphaba could think like that. "You did no such thing," he whispered.

"You told me to stop and I didn't!" Elphaba pulled at her hair, as if she was trying to rip it clear out of her head. "I… I made you do… do those drugs! And I raped you!"

"Elphaba… please…"

"I truly am a monster!"

"You're not a monster. You just need help." Fiyero grabbed Elphaba's arm and pulled her close, forcing her to stop pacing. "And I think that… just maybe… you need more help than any of us can give you here."

"So you're giving up on me," Elphaba whispered. Her voice was full of fear at the prospect of being left alone to fend for herself. "I told you you would! I told you I'm a lost cause!" She was now letting her anger overwhelm her so she would not have to face all the other emotions raging throughout her.

"You're not a lost cause," Fiyero said. "You just… cannot be helped here. You need to go away, go somewhere else. If you stay another year at this University you're going to die. Can you not see that?"

"There's nowhere for me but here," Elphaba muttered. "If I go back to my father then… then I don't know what will happen." She let her eyes slid shut as she melted into Fiyero's comforting hold. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"I know."

"What have we done?"

Fiyero sighed heavily as he held her close. "We had sex," he said. "And that's the truth. We had drug-fueled sex. Nothing more and nothing less."

"I hate myself," Elphaba choked out in despair and desperation. "I fucking hate myself."


	115. Do Not

_**Author's Warning: **Self-harm. What can I say? It's an addiction and, sadly enough, Elphaba has it in this story. So it's going to keep creeping its way back in no matter how much I, and probably all you readers, want Elphaba to get better _–_ it's going to be there for a long time still. Recovery is a hard road and very rarely do people succeed on the first try. But they _can _succeed…__ so let's all just hope that her friends don't give up on the hurting little green girl too soon._

--

"_I hate myself," Elphaba choked out in despair. "I fucking hate myself."_

--

**Chapter One Hundred Fifteen: Do Not**

Fiyero carried Elphaba up the steps of the girl's dormitory and into her room. She had been oddly silent during the journey home and, to Fiyero's horror, had had a convulsive fit in the carriage. She had been unconscious since then but nothing seemed to point towards any serious injuries or illness so he figured her body was simply exhausted and her mind overwhelmed.

He laid her on her bed and pulled the sheets over her shivering body. He sighed as he pushed a stray piece of hair off her face and tucked it behind her ear. She looked so peaceful as she slept – almost as if she was happy.

Fiyero made his way to Glinda's bed and sat down to prepare himself for a long wait. He could not predict how Elphaba would act when she awoken and that frightened him slightly. He had no idea how to ready himself because he had no idea what Elphaba would wake up to face him. Would it be the calm and regretful Elphaba or would it be the angry and depressed Elphaba? He could not say and therefore he could not prepare himself.

When Elphaba awoke, hours later, Fiyero had unwillingly fallen asleep. The green girl slowly sat up as she tried to gather her thoughts and get her bearings. She stood up and made her way, her balance unsteady, towards Glinda's bed where the Vinkus prince slept. She crawled on to it and placed herself near the foot of the bed. She hugged her legs to her chest and rested her chin on her knees.

She waited.

Fiyero seemed to be woken up by the very force of Elphaba's gaze. He rubbed his eyes as he slowly sat up and tried to comprehend where he was and what had happened.

"Don't talk," Elphaba whispered. "Don't you dare say a single word."

"Wha–"

"Don't." Elphaba closed her eyes as she tried to hug her legs even closer to her. "I don't want to hear you profess your undying love for me."

"But Elpha–"

"Don't!" Elphaba snapped her eyes open and laid cold eyes on Fiyero. "What happened was wrong! What happened should not have occurred! I raped you!"

"You never –"

"Don't tell me I didn't!" Elphaba slid off the bed, turned her back on Fiyero, and wrapped her arms around herself to keep herself warm. "It's the truth!"

"I didn't fight against you." Fiyero tried to explain what he felt before Elphaba could interrupt him again. "I wanted it as much as you did."

"No you didn't!" Elphaba shook her head; violently. "You told me to stop! And… and it was the drugs! They were making your decision for you! It wasn't you!"

Fiyero stood up, wrapped his arms around Elphaba's thin waist and pulled her close. "It wasn't you either," he whispered into her ear as her back met his chest. "And I don't blame you for what happened."

Elphaba wriggled free of Fiyero's hold and bolted for her bed. She stumbled on her way. Caught herself on the wall. "Don't you understand!" she screamed. "You can't love me!"

"Why?"

Elphaba raised her eyes to met Fiyero's questioning gaze. "You're not in love with me," she whispered; her voice choked. "You're in love with the idea of me."

"What are you –"

"Let me finish!" Elphaba interrupted before she sighed and took a moment to collect her thoughts. "You don't love me," she muttered. "You love the thought of being the hero. You love the idea of being the one to fix me."

"That's not –"

"You can't fix me." Elphaba dropped her gaze to the floor. "No one can fix me," she whispered. "No one but myself."

"Elphaba…"

"Besides you… you love Glinda."

"Sometimes feelings change."

"You don't understand!" Elphaba began to pace and Fiyero just watched helplessly. "You have to love Glinda!" she screeched. "You just have to!"

"Why?"

"Because that is how it's supposed to be!"

"That doesn't mean anything."

"Yes it does! You need to love her because… because… I just know that you have to!" Elphaba tangled her hands in her hair – surprised at how soft it felt until she remembered why. "I cannot explain why but… but it just has to be that way!"

"What are you talking about?" Fiyero's voice was slightly higher than normal as Elphaba's frantic nervousness began to make him panic.

"Glinda needs you! Can't you see that? She tries to hide it! She tries to pretend she doesn't but she does! Her strength comes from you!"

"I think you need me more than she does."

"I'm not letting you chain yourself to me! You cannot love me!"

"You can't decide my emotions for me!"

"Why can't you understand?" Elphaba twisted her hands around each other. "You have to love Glinda! Or… it… it won't end up how it should if you choose me!"

"What won't end up as it should?"

"This –" Elphaba swept a green arm out, cutting through the air, to emphasize her words. "– Our lives! The future! I cannot say how I know but I just do! You have to love Glinda!"

"I don't have to love anyone!" Fiyero grabbed Elphaba's arm and tried to stop her pacing but she pulled herself free from his grasp. She would not allow herself to be stilled.

"We had sex!" Elphaba screamed. "Nothing more! I _raped_ you! Don't try to make this into some sordid love affair!"

"I'm not making it into anything!"

"Yes you are! Now get out! Leave me be!"

"I'm not leaving you alone!"

"Get out!" Elphaba shoved Fiyero from her, towards the door. He stumbled at her strength. "Get out!" she repeated.

"I'm not going anywhere!"

"Get the fuck out!" Elphaba grabbed his arm and dragged him to the door. Her strength shocked Fiyero and he had the feeling that her magick might be the cause of it. "Leave me alone!"

"Elphaba please… let go of me… let me stay!"

"No!" The door flung open without any human hands to assist it. Elphaba threw Fiyero away from her and out the room "You have to go!" she screamed. "You cannot see me! You cannot be near me!"

Fiyero stood in shock as the door to the dorm room swung shut without any physical movement on Elphaba's part. He grabbed the doorknob but it was locked. He tried to break the door down but it felt as if it was made of steal. It would not budge.

Elphaba stood in the middle of the dorm room as if she was in a trance. She listened to the sounds of Fiyero trying to get through the door she had subconsciously closed, locked, and sealed with her magick. He begged for her to open the door. The tone of his voice was desperate and pleading and made a shiver crawl up Elphaba's spine.

Eventually he stopped and Elphaba, knowing that he would not give up so easily, slowly turned around to face the opened window. It swung closed as soon as she laid eyes on it. The latch locked and the blinds fell down to shut out the world.

Elphaba's magick was trying, desperately, to protect her. She felt cold, weak, with the force of it raging through her body and she sunk to her knees. She did not hear as Fiyero tried to open the window from where he now stood on the roof of the second story porch outside. She did not hear his voice as he screamed at her. The world around her faded from view as her mind practically shut down.

She crawled to Glinda's bed and slid her hand between the mattress and the box-spring. She groped around blindly until her hand met something smooth and wooden. She pulled the object free of its hiding spot and stared it. It was a knife.

The one knife that Fiyero had not found. The one knife that she had always known was there but had never been able to force herself to get. Her pain had not been great enough for its use until now.

She stood up, her body shaking, and placed the knife on top of Glinda's bedding. She looked down to stare at herself. She still wore the purple dress that Glinda had bought her and she had the vague thought that she should not ruin it.

So she slowly peeled it off of her and tossed it to the side. It landed in a crumpled heap on her own crumpled bedding and Elphaba shivered as she was left standing in only her undergarments.

She grabbed the knife and attacked her body like a starving animal would attack a long awaited meal. She needed to _feel_. She needed the physical pain to keep herself from feeling dead.

She needed to bleed away her sins.

The knife traced criss-crossing paths across her body. Her arms. Her stomach. Her thighs. Her chest. She was soon naked as the knife tore through the fabric of her undergarments – causing them to fall, useless, to the floor. She kept her eyes closed in a desperate attempt to hold her tears back.

And to not see her stained and dirty body.

The wounds she inflicted on herself were shallow but numerous. The blood dribbled instead of flowed and soon it covered the majority of her body. It was as if she was wearing a thin, worn layer of skin-tight clothing; except the clothing was her own half-dried blood.

The knife made a small dent in the wood as it slipped from Elphaba's grasp and fell to the floor. She stared at it as it laid near her feet and simply watched the blood make its slow path down her green skin.

Elphaba stumbled towards the door and fumbled with the lock. She pulled it open to find Fiyero sitting across the hallway from her; waiting for her. The Vinkus prince looked up in horror at Elphaba's naked, shivering, and bleeding form in the doorway.

"Save me," she pleaded; her voice choked and weak. "Just… just do not love me."


	116. Of Childhood Phases And Present Emotions

_**Author's Note: **This chapter has brought the word count of this story to over 200,000 words. Yes, that is right, when you all are done reading this chapter you will have read over 200,000 words of Elphaba/Glinda/Fiyero friendship drama. Is that a good thing? Only you know. But I can say I've definitely enjoyed writing the 200,000+ words and let's just hope that the end is close because if this story gets any longer I think I, and all of you, are going to go insane! _

--

"_Save me," she pleaded; her voice weak and choked. "Just… just do not love me."_

--

**Chapter One Hundred Sixteen: Of Childhood Phases And Present Emotions**

She shivered in his hold as they laid together on her bed. Her back touched his chest and he had one arm wrapped around her thin frame. She was underneath the cover of the worn bedding while he was on top of it.

Elphaba would not allow him to join her underneath the sheets.

She had refused to allow him to help her clean up but he had refused to allow her to close the bathroom door. So she had taken a rag and her oils and wiped the semi-dried blood off her body as quickly as possible so that Fiyero would not begin to worry and try to intervene.

She now laid beneath the covers of her bed stark naked as she had not had the energy to clothe herself. Her body alternated between shivering in extreme cold and sweating slightly in unbearable heat. She was exhausted, her body drained of all energy, but she could not sleep.

"This has to stop," Fiyero said quietly.

"They won't scar," Elphaba replied in a breathless whisper. "They're too shallow."

"It still has to stop."

Elphaba nodded slightly. "I know."

"I don't understand how it can help."

"I don't expect you to."

"I don't understand how any of it helps."

Elphaba stiffened at Fiyero's words. "But when… when I kissed you… when I made you take those drugs… didn't you… didn't you… _feel it_?"

"I didn't feel anything Elphaba." Fiyero held the trembling green girl tighter. "And that's why the drugs don't do anything for me. All it did was make me into some sort of animal capable of only the basic human feelings… such as the need for sex… and nothing more. It made me unable to feel any true, complex emotions, which I guess is what you want."

"So you do know why it helps."

"It doesn't help… it just covers it all up."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"You need to."

Elphaba's trembling stopped as a wave of heat began to overtake her body. She wanted to get out from under the beddings so she wouldn't be so warm but she was acutely aware that she wore no clothing and she did not want Fiyero to see her naked. "I'm surviving," she muttered.

"You're dying."

"I'm not dead yet."

"You will be." Fiyero sighed. "And the longer you stay here the faster it will come upon you. You need to leave this place. You need a change of scenery."

"There's nowhere else for me to go."

"And that is where the problem lays, does it not?"

Elphaba fell silent; let her eyes slide closed. "I'm tired," she whispered.

"Then sleep."

"I cannot."

"Why?"

"You wouldn't understand."

"Try me."

Elphaba shook her head and pulled away from Fiyero's body slightly. "It's nothing," she muttered. "Just let it be."

"Elphaba…"

"Please Fiyero." Elphaba was pleading now. "Just stop."

"I'm not going to sit back and do nothing as you slowly kill yourself."

"It's my choice." Elphaba's eyes snapped open at the shock of her own words. "I didn't mean that," she quickly said; trying desperately to correct her words but what she had spoken could not be unsaid. "I don't really… I mean… well… I would never…"

"It's okay," Fiyero interrupted her as he hugged her closer to his body. "Calm down. It's okay."

Elphaba pulled away from Fiyero's hold and slid out of the bed. She started pacing, forgetting that she was naked. "No!" she screeched. "It's not okay!"

Fiyero slowly sat up and just watched in concern. "Elphaba?" he asked quietly

"How can you say it's okay?" She was frantic, panicking. "It's not okay to think of killing one's self! It's… it's not right! It's a sin! It's…. it's just wrong!" She was near tears now. "Dear Oz," she muttered as her voice lost its strength. "What has happened to me?" She stopped pacing and held her hands out in front of her. She stared at them. "What have I become?" she asked quietly. She turned desperate eyes towards Fiyero; pleading for an answer. "What is wrong with me?"

"There's nothing wrong with you."

"I'm broken."

"You're not broken. And there's nothing wrong with you." Fiyero stood up and made his way towards Elphaba. He grabbed her outstretched hands and held them lightly. He stared into her eyes; refusing to allow his gaze to fall on her naked body. "You're just hurting."

"I'm sick!" Elphaba closed her eyes; held back her tears. "I always have been! Something's not right in my mind! It… it never has been!"

"You're no more sick than me," Fiyero tried to explain. "You've just been through a lot more pain. And you hurt _that_ much more because of it."

Elphaba shook her head in denial and pulled her hands from Fiyero's grasp. She stumbled backwards until her legs hit the edge of Glinda's bed. She sat down on the blonde's pink bedding. "You don't understand!" Elphaba screeched. "You never saw me as a child! There was a reason behind my father's treatment towards me!"

"You cannot blame yourself for your father's decisions." Fiyero sat down beside his green friend but did not try to hold her. He could tell that she would not accept any human touch in her present condition.

"You don't understand!"

"Then tell me."

Elphaba fell silent and dropped her gaze to her hands. They sat on her lap and she was suddenly very aware of her nakedness. She stood up – the motion jerky and anything but graceful. She stumbled to the dresser and pulled out the first dress she found. With stiff, frantic movements she pulled it on over her head as her cheeks turned a dark green colour in shame and embarrassment.

Fiyero grabbed her hand and led her back to Glinda's bed. They sat down together and Elphaba made no attempt to pull her hand free of his hold.

"Father first struck me the day I refused to leave my bed."

Fiyero stayed silent – afraid of speaking the wrong words and frightening Elphaba into silence.

"It came in phases," Elphaba whispered. "For days on end, sometimes even weeks, I could not bring myself to leave my bed. I was just a child when it started… six I think… and it would make father so angry but I could not help it."

"It sounds as if you were acting as someone who has suffered a great loss does," Fiyero braved to say.

"Maybe I was. Maybe I was grieving the loss of my childhood. Who knows? All I know is that I could not leave my bed and no one was going to make me." Elphaba sighed and twisted the folds of her dress with the hand that Fiyero was not holding. "When father tried to get me out of bed _things_ would happen. I did not know why back then but now I do. It was the magick. It would cause the bookshelf to fall down. Or the house to shudder. Or the air to get all thick and dark. It frightened father and terrified mother and Nessie. So father would let me stay in bed until I decided I was ready to face the world again."

"And then?"

Elphaba closed her eyes. "I would throw myself back into life," she muttered. "I would do all that father asked. I would let him tote me around for his religious spouting and sing the songs he wanted me to sing. I would do my chores and take care of Nessie as mother sat herself down in her chair and drank away her own troubles."

"And was that, too, just a phase?"

"They alternated. Sometimes one would last for weeks and the other for days. Sometimes I would do as I was told for months on end only to find myself trapped in my bed by my own… weakness so to say… for just as long. Father never understood it and mother never cared. So they did nothing. And it only got worse as I got older."

"You're not like that anymore."

Elphaba shrugged slightly. "As I got older father got more and more angry during the times I stayed in bed so… so I took to forcing myself to get out of bed so I would not have to listen to his screaming and his ranting. But as a result I began to… well… that's when it started."

"When what started?" Fiyero asked quietly.

"The cutting," Elphaba whispered; her voice so quiet that Fiyero barely heard her. "It made it easier to… to get up in the mornings. I don't know why it did but it… it just did."

"It sounds as if this –"

"I have always been ill," Elphaba interrupted him. "And father's treatment of me only made it worse. Could my mind have gotten healthy if father had been a father?" Elphaba asked herself. "I don't know. And quite frankly I don't want to know. Because if I knew that I could have gotten better well… well that would just make all _this_ that much more painful to deal with."

"Do you think that perhaps you're in one of those phases right now?"

"I think I should just stay in bed and sleep it away."

"You don't have the luxury to do that."

"Doesn't it make you sick to know how fucked up I've always been?"

"You're not ill," Fiyero said. "I think that you're just… just a little different. It doesn't make you sick, or broken, or wrong. It just sounds as if you were born _different_ in a way – and I don't mean your skin colour. And I think all you've ever tried to do is run away from that. Maybe if you just found a way to cope with it, to face it head on, then maybe it wouldn't be so bad."

"I used to wish I could go to sleep at night and never wake… sometimes I still do."

"And this all started before your father ever hurt you?"

Elphaba nodded slightly. "It wasn't his fault." Elphaba sounded disappointed. "It was just… mine."

"It's no one's fault." Fiyero squeezed her hand. "It's just the way you are. You cannot change it so you must learn to embrace it if you don't want it to kill you."

"Father tried to kill me."

Fiyero frowned. "He did?"

"When I was just a babe. I remember it. I don't know how… I shouldn't. I was too young, I shouldn't be able to remember it but I can."

"What did he do?"

"He tried to slit my throat." Elphaba shuddered. "I was standing in my crib. I couldn't even talk yet. He pushed the knife against my throat but no matter how hard he pushed nothing happened. He… he couldn't pierce the skin."

"Your magick?" Fiyero questioned.

Elphaba shrugged and kept her eyes downcast. "I suppose so," she muttered. "He left after that. For almost a year I think. Left me alone with my drunken mother in an attempt to find himself."

"And did he?"

"Who knows?" Elphaba sighed. "I don't want to talk about it anymore."

"You need too."

"But I don't _want_ to!" Elphaba stood up and began her familiar habit of pacing. Her hands twisted around themselves in nervous energy. "When mother died Shell nearly starved! Father paid all his attention to Nessie and ignored him. I _had_ to drag myself out of bed! I didn't want to but… but I couldn't stand the sound of little baby Shell crying so! He would have died had it not been for me! But does father care about that? Of course not! And then, as Shell got older, father paid more attention to him and less to Nessie. So then the responsibility of Nessie fell on my shoulders!"

"Elphaba… calm down… please…"

"I was just a child! Why did everything fall on me? Why did I have so many responsibilities! Didn't father see how it only made me worse! Didn't he see how it was hurting me!"

Fiyero stood up and grabbed Elphaba's wrist as she walked past him. "Stop this," he said. "You're working yourself into a frenzy! Now calm down right now!"

"You're yelling," Elphaba muttered. "Please don't."

Fiyero sighed. "I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to yell at you."

"You're angry at me."

"I'm not angry I'm just… I'm trying to understand it all but it's hard."

"My mind is ill," Elphaba whispered. "That's all there is to it. Glinda tried to tell me, tried to make me see it, but I refused to. I always have. I've always been in denial but… but it's killing me now. And… I don't want to die."

"Do you think you're worth recovery? Do you think you're worth getting help?"

Elphaba looked at Fiyero in confusion at his question. "What?" she asked.

"Answer the question. Do _you_ think that you're worth our help?"

Elphaba dropped her gaze to the floor and her hand slipped from Fiyero's grasp. She wrapped her arms around herself. "I don't know," she finally choked out. "I don't know what I'm worth."

"What do you think?" Fiyero pressed on; desperate for an answer. "Do you think you're worth help?"

Elphaba closed her eyes and for a few long minutes she was silent. "No," she whispered. "No. I'm… I'm not worth it."

"This is never going to work until you think you are."

"I know."

"Then what will it take for you to find that strength within yourself? What can I do to help you see that you _are_ worth it?"

"I don't know."

"There must be something."

Elphaba opened her eyes and looked at Fiyero. "Don't leave," she whispered. "That's all I ask. Please… don't leave me."

"I'm not going to." Fiyero held out his arms. "I promise I'm not going to leave you."

Elphaba smiled slightly, barely, and in a movement that shocked even herself she stepped forward and let Fiyero embrace her. He held her tightly and buried his head in her hair. "This is going to be hard for you."

"I know." Her voice was muffled by Fiyero's clothes as she had buried her head in his chest. "But I… I have to try."

"I believe in you."

"My father never did."

"You're father was an asshole."

"Please… don't talk of him like that," Elphaba pleaded. "He did horrible things but he… he did his best."

"Did he have the same… phases, as you call them… as you?"

Elphaba shook her head but the motion was jerky and stiff as her head still rested against Fiyero's chest. "No but… from what I can remember… mother did. That's why she drank and chewed the pinlobble leaves so that she could float away from it all. Come to think of it… it all makes me wonder why father loved her so."

Fiyero's brow pinched in concentration. "Perhaps your mother passed it to you during birth. What is that called? We learnt about it in Life Sciences."

"Genetics," Elphaba replied. "It's called genetics."

"Did you ever consider that your mother gave this to you?"

Elphaba shrugged slightly. "Does it matter why I'm like this?"

"Perhaps it is nothing of your own fault, or your father's. Perhaps it is simply genetic."

"That suggests that there is nothing that can be done to fix it."

"I'm not asking you to fix it… I'm asking you to find a way to cope that is not so destructive."

"Then is that all I can hope for? To find a way to cope with it?"

Fiyero moved to Elphaba's bed, leading the green girl along, and laid down with her. She did not resist. "If you find a positive way to cope then maybe it will help to lessen the severity of these phases."

"You've given up on saving me."

"No… I've come to realize that this is more than either of us can fix here, in this place, so the only hope is to find a way to help you cope that does not involve hurting yourself."

"I don't want to cope," Elphaba whispered. "I want to live. To really live. To feel. To care. To… to love. I've never had that."

"Then let me love you."

Elphaba shook her. "I cannot permit such a thing."

"I don't understand why."

"Because you're supposed to love Glinda!" Elphaba was getting frantic again and Fiyero choose to change the course of the conversation.

"What is Shell like?" he asked; trying to lighten the suffocating mood in the room.

Elphaba stiffened at the strange question but then melted into Fiyero's hold as her body began to tremble with cold. "He's like any other boy of his age. He plays in the dirt and takes delight in disappearing for hours, sometimes even days, and scaring me half to death. He's good at not being found. It's very irksome."

"Is he like a son to you?"

Elphaba shrugged slightly. "No, not really. Just another responsibility. Just another person to protect. He has a sensible head on his shoulders if he only ever cared to use it. He'll be something some day. It's too bad that he will never have the chance to be the next Eminent Thropp… he'd be a good one."

"Are you not next in line?"

"I am," Elphaba responded as she let her eyes drift closed. "But that doesn't mean anything. I don't care to have the Munchkins under my responsibility. If Nessa wants the title I'll gladly let her take it."

"You can do that?"

"It's a very lax system. The Munchkins care little for who is the Eminent Thropp as long as it is someone taller than them then they won't cause any sort of uproar."

"You make the Munchkins sound so… so simple-minded."

"From what I've experienced most of them are."

"Boq isn't and he is a Munchkin."

"I think he's only half-Munchkin. I mean, look at him! He's far too tall to be Munchkin only. And besides, I said most Munchkins… not all."

They fell into silence for quite some time before Fiyero spoke. "Does it help?" he asked quietly. "To talk of nothing important. Does it help at all?"

"A little," Elphaba replied but her words were mumbled as sleep began to creep up on her. "But only when we're actually talking. And Oz knows that there is not much in my life to talk about that does not bring up painful memories."

"You're tired. I can hear it in your voice."

"Yes."

"Go to sleep Elphaba."

"I can't."

"I'll be right here. I'll protect you. There will be nothing to worry about."

Elphaba shook her head. "You don't understand what could happen."

"Then tell me."

"I don't want to worry you."

Fiyero sighed. "Sleep Elphaba. Your body needs it. Your mind needs it."

"When you see what happens you won't be encouraging me to sleep so much."

"You need it."

"Sometimes sleep brings me no rest. Sometimes sleep only makes me more exhausted."

"Why?"

Elphaba rolled over so that she now faced Fiyero. Their faces were inches apart and Elphaba could feel his breath on her. "Don't leave," she mumbled as she let her eyes shut. "Maybe… maybe if you're here it won't happen."

"What won't happen?"

"You'll see. Or… maybe you won't. Hopefully you won't."

"I don't understand what you're talking about."

"Hopefully you never will."

"Elphaba…" Fiyero's voice trailed off as the green girl's body went slack and her breathing became slow and regular. She had drifted asleep and the Vinkus prince still did not know what she had been trying to explain to him without actually explaining.

Fiyero wrapped his arm around Elphaba's shoulders and pulled her close. Her body trembled and he tried to share his own body warmth but it helped little. He let his own eyes close and soon he too was sleeping.

He was jerked awake a few hours later by the feeling of Elphaba's body stiffening in his hold. He blinked a few times to clear his blurred vision and stared at the green form he held. Her eyes were opened wide but he had the feeling that she was not truly awake. Her body was rigged and her mouth opened slightly. Her breathing came in short, quick gasps.

"Elphaba?" Fiyero questioned but she did not respond. He propped himself up on his elbow and shook Elphaba slightly with his other hand. She still did not respond. "Elphaba?" he tried again but still nothing.

Then she screamed. Her eyes snapped shut and the sound that escaped her mouth was a high-pitched squeal that ended in a choked sob before she fell completely silent again. Her body began to tremble violently but no matter how many times Fiyero called her name or shook her she would not awaken.

So he kissed her.

The action worked and for the first time in her life Elphaba Thropp was awoken from the grips of a night-terror. As soon as she realized what Fiyero was doing she shoved him off of her and scrambled out of the bed. She sat, panting, on the dorm room floor as Fiyero just looked at her.

"What was that!" Elphaba screeched. "What were you doing!"

"I was trying to wake you up," Fiyero replied calmly. "And it seems to have worked."

"You kissed me!"

"It didn't mean anything. I just wanted you to wake up."

"You fucking kissed me!" Elphaba shakily stood up and tried to distance herself from Fiyero. "I told you that this cannot happen! We cannot do this!"

"I know," he replied. "And I did not mean it as that. I just wanted you to wake up. You frightened me."

"That's why I don't sleep! It's easier that way!"

"What do you see when you sleep?"

The question shocked Elphaba into silence and the memory of her night-terror was still too fresh in her mind for her to answer. She hugged her arms around herself and sat down on Glinda's bed. "I don't want to talk to you about it," Elphaba whispered.

"Why not?"

"Because it won't help."

"How do you know that?"

Elphaba sighed. "Please Fiyero… just know that they scare me, that they terrify me… let that be enough."

The Vinkus prince stood up and made his way towards Elphaba where he sat down beside her. "For now I'll let it be," he whispered. "But one day, one day soon, I want you to be able to tell me, okay? Let's work towards that."

Elphaba nodded slightly and leaned her head against Fiyero's shoulder. He held her hand. "I want a drink," she muttered; no longer ashamed by her addictions as Fiyero had seen her at her worst and still had not abandoned her.

"You're not getting one."

"Don't you think just stopping it all is a little cruel?"

"You're not going to be able to guilt me into letting you go out and get some so don't even try."

"But just a drink?"

"Just a drink can turn into far more than that in very little time, and you know that."

Elphaba sighed. "But my body, my mind, is so used to having it all that it's hard to even function without it."

"I told you the first bit was going to be difficult."

"It hasn't even really hit me yet," she whispered. "The last time the… the detox was so painful… I'm terrified of that pain."

"If you hadn't caved to your addictions then you wouldn't be having to detox all over again, now would you?"

"You sound angry."

Fiyero frowned. "I'm not. I'm just… upset that I'm going to have to watch you go through it all again when you shouldn't have to. You've already suffered through it and there should have been no reason for you to do it all over again."

"But I'm going to have to."

"Yes."

"And probably more than once."

"Don't say that," Fiyero said. "Don't you dare think like that!"

"It's the truth. Why should we deny it?"

"If you keep thinking like that it's only going to make this harder… maybe even impossible."

Elphaba fell silent and for over an hour the two friends said nothing; content to simply be in each other's presence. "Why have you stayed?" Elphaba finally asked. "Why haven't you ran away from me?"

"I'm your friend."

"But I'm not worth this much effort."

"Yes you are. And don't you ever say you aren't."

"How can anyone be worth this much effort? If our roles were reversed I cannot say that I would still be at your side."

"I think your capacity for forgiveness would surprise you. Mine most certainly has."

"Forgiveness isn't going to save anyone."

"Forgiveness can heal more than I think you realize."

Elphaba frowned as she tried to comprehend what Fiyero had said. "I never thought friendship would be so much work," she muttered. "I was better off before."

"Please don't say that."

"Well… maybe I wasn't but… but you and Glinda were."

"Elphaba please… I don't like it when you talk like this."

"It's the truth."

"No it's not."

Elphaba sighed. "I don't want to argue."

"I can't bring myself to let you believe these lies you keep telling yourself."

"Fiyero… please… not right now."

"If not now then when?"

She shook her head. "I don't want to talk anymore."

"You never want to talk."

"Don't push me… not this time."

"Sometimes people need to be pushed."

"And sometimes people need to hit their own bottom before they can get better."

Fiyero's mouth opened in shock at Elphaba's words. "You… you don't think that you've hit your bottom? You don't think you're at your worst yet?"

"It can always be worse," Elphaba muttered. "Always."

"And this isn't your worst?"

"I don't know." Elphaba closed her eyes. "I'm hungry," she suddenly said.

"Do you want to get something to eat?" Fiyero asked, hopeful.

"That would be nice."

"Really?"

"You sound shocked." She opened her eyes and looked up at Fiyero with amusement.

"This is you we're talking about… of course I'm shocked."

A small smile, barely even there, graced Elphaba's features. "Well… I figure I've got to start somewhere, right?"

"I think I've seen you eat _maybe_ three times ever. It's just weird to hear you ask to go get food."

"If I can conquer something as simple as eating then maybe everything else won't seem so impossible." Elphaba dropped her gaze to the floor. "I mean… food is a basic need of life… I don't know why it's so hard for me to eat."

"Water is a basic need of life too… maybe you're just not destined to follow the same path as everyone else."

"I wish I was."

"I know." Fiyero stood up and, still holding a green hand, helped Elphaba to stand. "Let's go down to the cafeteria and see how hard it is to sneak in and cook ourselves our own meal at such an earlier hour."

Elphaba nodded as Fiyero led her to the door. He grabbed her coat from where it laid across the top of the dresser and handed it to her. She shrugged it on with slow, jerky movements as she slipped her feet into her boats and did not bother to even lace them up.

"The room's spinning," Elphaba muttered.

Fiyero held her hand even tighter. "Once you eat that will ebb."

"I don't think that's what is causing it."

"It is part of the reason."

Elphaba kept her gaze on the floor as Fiyero led the way through the dark hallways and down the stairs. In time they made it to the cafeteria to find that it was, as Fiyero had predicted, empty. They snuck in through the back door and Elphaba sat on one of the food preparation tables as Fiyero busied himself in making a few sandwiches and some soup.

"What time is it?" Elphaba asked as her legs swung below her, not even touching the ground.

"Some time past midnight and before the morning bell," Fiyero replied with a shrug. "Why?"

"Can we eat at the apple tree?"

Fiyero looked up from his task of stirring the potato soup he was making. "The apple tree behind this kitchen?" he asked. "The one where you and Glinda's children are… well… buried?"

Elphaba nodded.

"Are you sure?"

She nodded again.

"Well… if you insist," Fiyero replied. "But I want it known that I don't think it's a very good idea."

"You're opinion has been noted and ignored," Elphaba said as she wrapped her arms around herself. "It's where I want to eat."

Fiyero nodded. "So we shall. The soup's almost ready."

"I've never had potato soup."

"It's the only soup I can make without meat or water. Hopefully you'll like it."

"I said I wanted to eat, not that I was starving. Why did you make so much food?"

"You'll see," he answered mysteriously. "I have a feeling."

"Feeling for what?"

"I'll tell you later."

Elphaba chuckled slightly; surprised at how comfortable she felt around Fiyero. She watched him scoop out two bowls of soup as she braided her slightly tangled but still soft hair. She knotted her hair at the end of the braid to keep it under control. She slid off the counter she sat at and grabbed the two sandwiches that Fiyero had made. Together they left the cafeteria kitchen in silence and sat themselves down at the base of the apple tree. Fiyero began to eat his sandwich first while Elphaba just stared at the food in front of her.

"What's wrong?" Fiyero asked.

"I'm hungry," Elphaba said as her hands nervously twisted around each other. "But I just… just cannot bring myself to eat."

Fiyero set his sandwich down, balancing it on the edges of his soup bowl, and grabbed Elphaba's spoon. "Eat" he said as he gently placed the spoon in her mouth.

Elphaba closed her eyes and let Fiyero feed her as if she was as useless as a newborn baby. And though what she was allowing made her pride scream at her she found herself unable to fight her need to simply not have to take care of herself. So she let Fiyero spoon the soup into her mouth and she swallowed as she knew she was supposed to.

"Are you actually hungry yet or is this all still just a lie to distract me?"

Elphaba opened her eyes to look at Fiyero. "You knew?" she asked as she took the spoon from his hand. "You knew that I wasn't really hungry?"

"You might be able to lie to Glinda, Nessie, and your father, but I can tell when you're spouting out nonsense to try and change the conversation."

Elphaba stared at the Vinkus prince before her in shock. All she could manage to say was a feeble, "Oh."

"Well… are you hungry?"

She let her gaze fall to the bowl of soup sitting on the ground. It was almost completely empty now. "A… a little?" she said, unsure. She couldn't quite remember what being hungry felt like and that scared her. She let the spoon she held drop into the bowl and it caused some of the soup to splash out. Elphaba stared at her hand as it shook. "I'm cold," she muttered.

Fiyero took her hand in his own and placed his other hand under her chin. He gently lifted her head so that she had to look at him. "I know," he said. "I'm glad you're eating, even if it was just to distract me."

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For all the pain I've caused. For… for everything."

"I know."

"You're too good for me." Elphaba closed her eyes so that she wouldn't have to look at Fiyero as she spoke. "That's why I can't let you love me. You deserve someone who makes you happy not… not someone who you have to care for like a baby."

Fiyero sighed as he did not have the will to argue with Elphaba any longer. "I don't mind," he whispered. "I don't mind taking care of you. And… sometimes people need to be taken care of."

"It's not right."

"I think we've talked enough for one day, don't you?"

"It's not even morning yet."

"Then for one night?"

Elphaba nodded and Fiyero dropped his hand from her chin. "Eat your sandwich," he said as he handed it to her.

She sniffled and nodded again. She took the sandwich as she opened her eyes to look at Fiyero. She smiled, just a little, at the Vinkus prince. "Thank you," she whispered. "For all you've done."

"Don't mention it."

Elphaba shook her head as she let her sandwich fall into her now almost-empty bowl of soup. "No," she said; her voice suddenly loud and strong. "You have to know that I appreciate it all because my whole life I've… my whole life…" Her voice trailed off and she stared at her green hand in Fiyero's hold as she was unable to finish her sentence.

"Because your whole life you have never been appreciated," Fiyero finished for her.

"Yes," Elphaba choked out. "That's why… I need… just… I need you to know that I'm… that I'm thankful," she whispered; near tears. "Dear Oz Fiyero… thank you!"


	117. Of Reading And Friendship

"_Yes," Elphaba choked out. "That's why… I need… just… I need you to know that I'm thankful," she whispered; near tears. "Dear Oz Fiyero… thank you!"_

--

**Chapter One Hundred Seventeen: Of Reading And Friendship**

Fiyero found her at the apple tree. Her back rested against the thick trunk as she sat cross-legged. A book, one of the ones that Fiyero had bought her, was balanced on a green knee and an apple was held between a long index finger and a green thumb. Only a few bites had been taken from the red fruit but the fact that she was eating without encouragement from others made Fiyero smile.

"May I sit?" he asked as he approached her.

Elphaba started in surprise and looked up at who had spoken to her. She shook her head slightly to clear her thoughts. "Of course," she said. "I'm sorry, I didn't hear your approach."

"You scared me," Fiyero said as he sat down in front of the green girl.

She returned her attention to her book. "I'm sorry," she said, distracted. "I didn't mean to frighten you."

"Why did you leave before I woke up? And why didn't you leave me a note to tell me where you were going?"

Elphaba sighed and looked up from her book. "Are you angry at me?" she asked. Her voice trembled but it was not from her emotions or the weather. It was quite warm out and she actually felt very calm and in control of herself. Her voice trembled because her body was shaking. And her body was shaking because she was going through withdrawals.

"A little," Fiyero replied. "I didn't know where you went."

"I didn't know where I was going."

"I'm just glad you didn't go to the Lower Levels."

"I'm not going to lie." Elphaba closed her book and dropped her gaze to her lap. "That was my plan when I left without leaving a note."

"What stopped you?"

"You told me that I needed to find something else to… to help me cope." Elphaba shrugged. "And I remembered how much I missed reading so I thought that maybe it could be a… a replacement so to say."

"And is it working?"

"Not really."

"Give it time."

"I know. But it's just… hard to concentrate, you know? Well… you probably don't know but it's weird. I keep reading the same sentences over and over again and they just don't sink in. It kind of takes the joy out of reading."

Fiyero reached out and took a green hand in his own. "It will get easier."

"You keep saying that but it's not coming true."

"It takes time. You need to be patient."

"I'm not a patient person."

"You need to try."

Elphaba frowned and a shiver crawled up her spine. "When does Glinda come back?" she asked.

"Not for at least another two weeks, if not more."

"I miss her."

"I know."

"I'm terrified she's going to… to hate me… when I tell her what happened between us… what we did." Elphaba closed her eyes. "I don't think I could survive losing her friendship."

"Would you rather I told her?"

Elphaba shook her head. "No. It… it should be me. _I'm_ the one who gave you the drugs. _I'm_ the one who initiated it all. _I_ need to be the one to tell her."

"Do you want me to be with you when you tell her?"

"No. I don't want her to think that… that we're a couple or anything. I don't want her to think that I've stolen you from her."

"I'm your friend, she understands that."

"We had sex!" Elphaba shook her head and took a couple deep breaths to calm herself down. "It… she might not… I'm just… I… I'm scared Fiyero."

"I know." Fiyero took the book from its place balanced on Elphaba's knee and the apple from her hand and placed them on the ground. He moved himself so that he sat beside his green friend and he wrapped his arm around her shoulders.

She let herself lean against Fiyero's warm body and soon she had slid herself down so that her head rested on his lap and the rest of her body was sprawled out on the grass. The sun warmed her skin and she let her eyes drift closed as Fiyero gently ran his hand through her hair.

"What if she hates me?" Elphaba asked quietly.

"She has forgiven you for far worse before."

"What if she has ran out of forgiveness to give me?" Elphaba shuddered at the very thought of losing Glinda's friendship. "What if this is the one thing that truly destroys our friendship?"

"Trust me, it won't be. I'm sure she'll be angry but she won't hate you. And she'll forgive you."

"You're not her, you cannot be certain."

"Don't freak out about it Elphaba. There's nothing that can be done until she gets back so try not to get yourself worked up over it."

Elphaba smiled slightly and as Fiyero watched her he was struck, again, by how stunning she looked when she smiled. "Do you know how beautiful you are?" Fiyero asked before he slammed his mouth shut and looked away from the green girl. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I know you don't… well… I just… I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable."

"You could tell me I'm beautiful every minute of every day and I would never believe it."

Fiyero nodded knowingly, sadly. "But why?"

"I don't see what everyone else sees in me. I just… I can't. The mirror reflects back something different to me then it does to you." Elphaba shrugged as she opened her eyes and looked up at Fiyero but he wasn't looking at her. "And I used to hate when you, or anyone else, told me that I was… beautiful… but now I… I guess I'm… I'm getting used to it and it… it… it makes me smile when you say it."

"You should smile more," Fiyero said as he returned her gaze to her. He stared at her green face. Admired her defined jawline, the sharp line of her nose, her large brown eyes, her full lips. "You're breathtaking when you smile."

Elphaba chuckled. "I can handle being called beautiful now, but breathtaking? That's pushing it."

He smiled. "Sorry. You're _beautiful_ when you smile," he corrected. "Is that better?"

She closed her eyes; shifted her head so it rested more comfortably on Fiyero's lap. "You always know what to say," she whispered. "I like that about you."

"In a different time, in a different place, we could have been a couple, couldn't we have?" Fiyero asked as he tucked Elphaba's hair behind her ear.

"Yes," she said; almost regretfully. "If things were a just a little bit different it might have been a possibility."

"A part of me is always going to love you."

"I know. And… it's the same for me too. But I don't want to ruin our friendship and I… I don't want to push Glinda away so we… it just cannot be."

"I know."

"I'm sorry."

Fiyero ran is hand through Elphaba's hair. "Don't be," he said. "It's not your fault it's… just the way it is."

"That doesn't mean I still can't be sorry."

Fiyero nodded and fell silent for a few minutes. "You were eating," he said as means of conversation. "You were eating without any pressure to do so from myself or Glinda."

"Like I said before," she muttered, "I have to start somewhere."

"You're still trembling though."

"It will take a long time still before my body will get used to a sober existence."

"And the night-terrors?"

"The worst they've ever been." Elphaba shrugged but the movement was jerky because of the way she was laying. "But I guess that's to be expected. After all, it was the alcohol and the drugs that kept them at bay."

"Is there anything I can do?"

Elphaba shook her head.

"Do you want to talk about them?"

She shook her head again. "Maybe some other time," she offered as a weak answer but both of them knew that the 'some other time' would not come for a very long while, if ever.

"I wish there was more I could do to help."

"You've done more than enough."

"It doesn't feel like it."

"You said I looked beautiful when I smiled." Elphaba's voice was choked as she tried to hold back her tears. "I didn't even notice I was smiling." She opened her eyes to look directly at Fiyero.

"You didn't know?"

Elphaba smiled and let out a weak chuckle. "No," she said. "And that… that makes me hopeful. And it's been a long time since I've felt hopeful."

"I'm glad."

"I think I might be too," Elphaba replied with a barely suppressed sob that came out as a forced chuckle. "I think I might be… be a little happy. And, to be honest, that kind of… scares me. Actually… it terrifies me."

"Why?"

"It's been a long time since I've felt anything besides this… emptiness that my vices have granted me."

"It's a good thing."

"I know it is… but it still scares me."

Fiyero untangled his hand from Elphaba's hair and let it rest on her shoulder in an act of reassurance. "I'm here for you no matter what happens. No matter how much it hurts or how terrifying it is I'm going to be here."

"Even though I know that it doesn't make the terror go away because… even if you're here, beside me, you still can't make the pain disappear."

"No." Fiyero squeezed her shoulder. "But you won't be alone."

Elphaba closed her eyes to stop her tears. "And you can tell me I'm beautiful when I smile," she choked out around the lump of fear that had lodge itself in her throat. "Because sometimes I think that… that that's all I really need."

"Someone to tell you you're beautiful?"

Elphaba nodded and bit her lower lip to hold back the threatening tears. "A friend," she whispered. "Just a friend."


	118. Of Control

_**Author's Warning: **Avaric. By now you should not need anymore warning then that._

_**Author's Note: **Chapters 118 to 121 take place all within the span of one night and could have been written as one whole chapter but I don't like line breaks in chapters so they all get their own separate chapters instead. Yah?__  
_

--

_Elphaba nodded and bit her lip to hold back the threatening tears. "A friend," she whispered. "Just a friend."_

--

**Chapter One Hundred Eighteen: Of Control**

Her mind was foggy as she slowly began to regain consciousness. The sounds she heard were dull and her sight hazy. She could feel something; something warm within her.

"Awake , are we?"

Elphaba's body jerked reflexively at the voice. And it was at that moment that she realized exactly what was going on and why she felt so oddly warm and relaxed.

Avaric. It was Avaric who had spoken to her. And it was Avaric's hand that was playing with the folds of her womanhood and making her feel so… so warm. It was the only way she could explain what she was feeling and she knew what was happening. It made her sick.

Elphaba tried to move, tried to get away, but strong hands were holding her down and keeping her still. As her blurred vision began to clear she saw Avaric's face right in front of her. It was so near that she could feel his hot breath against her face.

"That's right," he whispered. "Let your body betray you. It feels good, doesn't it? That's what drugs will do to you. Make you into the horny slut you are."

Elphaba shook her head violently and shut her eyes to block out the sight of Avaric. "Stop it," she muttered. "Don't… please… don't make me –"

"Make you what?" Avaric interrupted her. "Make you enjoy this? I'm not making you do anything. This is your body's own reaction to my touch. You're close, aren't you? I can tell by your labored breathing."

"Don't… please Avaric… please… stop this…" Elphaba's words were broken and her sentences fragmented as her body – touched for far too long in her drug-induced unconsciousness – was reacting in a way so animalistic that it was beyond her control.

Her fate was now in Avaric's hands and it made her sick. She tried desperately to think of something else, to distract herself, but it was far too late and her body was far too lost in the grips of pleasure. Small moans escaped her mouth as Avaric's hand on her womanhood began to move faster, more frantic.

"That's right," he whispered. He kissed her. "Let yourself go. Don't fight it you little whore. It's useless now."

"Avaric… please… stop…" She gasped and then bit down on her tongue to try and silence herself. She fought against her body's urges but she knew that it was useless now – but still she tried. "Don't… don't…" She moaned and her back arched slightly as his fingers slowly entered into her. His touch was far gentler than it had ever been before and that was one of the very reasons that her body was betraying her. "Don't make me… please… Avaric… I beg you… stop this… please…"

"Don't you see?"Avaric whispered. "This is what you were born for. Even unconscious your body still reacted this way. You were born a slut and that is all you will ever be. Enjoy this because the next time you wake up it won't feel this – how should I say it? – pleasurable? Yes… I think that's the right word… pleasurable."

Suddenly he slapped her with the hand not inside of her. He grabbed her chin. "Look at me!" he screamed and Elphaba, frightened, opened her eyes to stare at him. "I want to see it in your eyes," he said with his familiar lewd smile plastered on his face. "I want to see your eyes when you reach the peak of your pleasure." His hand slipped out of her and started to play with the folds of her womanhood again; his touch faster and more aggressive.

Elphaba closed her eyes again but when she did Avaric struck her. She opened them to prevent such a painful action from happening again. He held her chin with his one hand and forced her to stare at him and only him as his touch made her come closer and closer to the result he wanted to drag her too.

"Stop…" Elphaba made one final, pitiful, attempt to plead to Avaric's human side. "Don't… make… me… please… sto–"

Then it happened. The warmth shot through Elphaba and a loud moan escaped her mouth – cutting of her words. Her back arched as her body tried to pull away from Avaric's touch as her womanhood became even more sensitive in the heat of her pleasure. She stared at Avaric – afraid of what he would do to her if she should try to look away or close her eyes – and hated herself for every moment that her body betrayed her.

As the pleasure faded away her body became more sensitive to Avaric's touch. She tried to free herself, her body jerking against the strange hands holding her down, as his touch became less and less pleasurable and more and more torturous against her over stimulated body. Her breathing was heavy as she begged for Avaric to stop.

"How does it feel?" he whispered. "To know that I have your body under my complete control. Even though you hate me, and you hate this, you could not fight it, could you? You are mine now and I'm going to have fun with you."

"You're sick!" Elphaba snapped out between her gasps for air.

"I'm not the one who just found pleasure in a forced touch, now am I?" He laughed as he finally removed his hand from her womanhood.

Elphaba let out a sigh of relief and relaxed slightly as her eyes slid shut in exhaustion. "Please…" she murmured. "You've had your fun… now let me go."

"The fun hasn't even started."

Suddenly a cloth was pressed over her nose and mouth and Elphaba's eyes snapped open in fear. She could smell something strange, some sort of liquid, in the cloth and she refused to breathe in the fumes from whatever the cloth had been soaked in. But as her vision began to spin and her mind became hazy from the lack of oxygen she couldn't quite remember why she was refusing to breathe. So she took in a huge gasp of air through the wet cloth.

Then darkness took her as the drug the cloth was soaked in sent her into unconsciousness.


	119. Of Drugs And Taboo

_Then darkness took her as the drug the cloth was soaked in sent her into unconsciousness._

--

**Chapter One Hundred Nineteen: Of Drugs And Taboo**

Darkness. All Elphaba could see was darkness. It was suffocating as her claustrophobia overtook her. She jerked forward as the last of her unconsciousness fled her weak body. She could hear voices near but she ignored them. So intent was she on trying to find a way out that she hardly registered what the people around her were talking about.

A hand grabbed her wrist, yanked her away from the door she was clawing at, and slammed her back against the wall. She gasped in both shock and pain as the small room – she swore it was nothing more than a closet – was so dark that she could see nothing but the faint outline of the two people near her.

The person grabbed her breast, harshly, and Elphaba was suddenly aware of her nakedness. She still had no idea how she had came to be in the situation she was now in and that terrified her.

And the horror of what had happened the last time she had been conscious shook her to her very core. She could not believe that she had actually found pleasure in Avaric's touch; that the man that had tormented her for so long had been able to manipulate her body in such a way. It disgusted her. Horrified her. And made her hate for herself grow even more.

She was brought out of her thoughts by pain. She realized that the man that had so cruelly thrown her against the wall was now inside of her. He pushed into her with such force that Elphaba could not stop the gasps of pain from escaping her mouth. When he finished her threw her to the ground where the green girl laid, unmoving. He kneeled down in front of her as someone else, someone Elphaba had not noticed before, grabbed her shoulder and yanked her up so that she half-sat, half-leaned against the body behind her.

"Time for some fun," the person behind her, holding her still, whispered. And Elphaba found the voice oddly light, oddly feminine.

She _was_ a female.

Elphaba jerked forward in horror but the girl behind her would not let her go. And instead she grabbed both of her green breasts and squeezed them, hard. Elphaba shrieked and tried to pry the hands off of her but she could not. She was simply too weak.

And the thought that another _woman_ was touching her naked body made Elphaba's stomach twist in on itself and she nearly vomited.

Then the man that had raped her mere minutes earlier placed his hand over Elphaba's mouth and nose. Suddenly the green girl could not breathe and her body jerked reflexively as she tried to free herself so that she would not suffocate to death. When he finally removed his hand Elphaba gasped for air only to find herself inhaling something much thicker and much coarser.

Drugs.

Before Elphaba could react – could try and expel the white powder from her mouth – the man had his hand over her mouth and nose again. Her head throbbed and her chest ached from the lack of oxygen and when the hand moved she once again took in the largest gulp of air that she could.

And as she breathed the drugs entered her system. For a few moments no one dared to move, to even speak, until Elphaba's body began to tremble. She closed her eyes and let the familiar rush overcome her body. She knew, in some small corner of her mind, that the drugs she had been given were far stronger than anything she had ever taken before. She was frightened of what would come but it was no longer in her control and she knew that whatever happened now she would forever hate herself for.

Then the drugs overtook her mind and all her sense of consequence and shame disappeared. The man was on top of her again, this time joined by the unknown woman, and the event that happened next was both wrong and taboo but Elphaba's drug-fuelled mind did not allow her to even consider stopping.

When it was over Elphaba laid, panting like some wounded animal, on the floor of the small closet. As the drugs wore off her claustrophobia took their place and she was soon clawing at the door again and screaming to be let out.

A cloth was pressed against her nose and mouth and Elphaba's mind was once again swallowed by the darkness of unconsciousness.


	120. Of White Skin

_A cloth was pressed against her nose and mouth and Elphaba's mind was once again swallowed by the darkness of unconsciousness._

--

**Chapter One Hundred Twenty: Of White Skin**

She awoke to pain. It was all she could feel, could understand, until the darkness in her mind began to subside.

"How does it feel to not know?" Avaric whispered, breaking through the last thread of her unconsciousness. "How does it feel to not know how long it's been? Or how many men took you while you laid unconscious? How does it feel to simply not know what torture we put your body through? Or how your body even reacted?" He pushed into her.

Elphaba screamed in pain and sudden shock as she tried to shrink away from him but could not. She kept her eyes shut tightly as he used her body for his own selfish needs. She did not understand why it hurt so much. She had been taken by him, and many other men before, and it had never been as physically painful as it was at that particular moment.

When he had gotten the pleasure he had strived for he collapsed on top of her. Elphaba found herself unable to move in both shock and horror and her foggy mind worked fervidly to try and make sense of her muddled memories. She struggled to breathe and the world around her seemed to glow in some strange way that she knew was not normal.

Then he began again. Elphaba's eyes snapped open as Avaric seemed to have only been taking a break. She struggled to hold back her tears as she felt as if he was tearing her in half. She ached as he ravaged her; desperate to pull another wave of pleasure for himself.

When he was done he kissed her. His lips lingered on hers until he finally pulled away from her. He smiled at Elphaba. The sight of complete success in Avaric's eyes made the green girl's skin crawl.

He pulled out of her, slowly stood up, and did up the buttons to his trousers – covering himself. He looked down at Elphaba as she laid still, as if she was nothing but a broken stone statue, on the floor. "You look pretty with white skin," he said before turning and fleeing the room. The door slammed shut behind him; leaving a very confused Elphaba behind.

The green girl laid still for a very long time. She could not say how long as she did not bother to mark the passage of time but she knew it had to have been at least three hours – if not longer. In time she eventually forced herself to stand. But in doing so she caught her reflection in a floor length mirror standing not far from where she was in the mysterious room.

And suddenly she understood the meaning behind what Avaric had last said.

She panicked as she looked down at her body. Whiteness covered her chest, her stomach, and her thighs. It even coated parts of her matted and knotted hair. She clawed at her stomach but the white fluid was far too dried and far too thick to be removed by her fingers and nails only.

She knew what it was. She could smell it now that she knew it was there. The stench assaulted her nose, overwhelmed her. She screamed but the sound came out as more of a choking sob. She closed her eyes; tried to will herself away to some place safer, some place where the men's stinking white fluid did not coat her body.

When she finally dared to open her eyes again she caught sight of the blood. It had dried on her thighs, mixing with the white fluid and staining her skin a strange pink colour. She looked around the room for the briefest of moments but she had to close her eyes to block out the sight before. All around her laid objects she did not care to identify.

Objects covered in her own blood.

She knew now why Avaric had hurt so much. They, whoever had been with him, had used her body as nothing more than some play-thing. Some hole to shove whatever they desired into it. It made her skin crawl and she felt like she wanted to rip her soul right out of her disgusting body and fly away.

She screamed; a sound so loud and broken that it seemed to echo all around her. She slumped to her knees and the mirror shattered. The pieces flew in every direction but before they could even land Elphaba's magick turned them into nothing more than dust so that she would not be surrounded by a million tiny mirrors to reflect her filth back towards her.

She clawed, weakly, at her stomach and her chest. Her nails drew blood but all she could manage to do was to move the men's dried fluid around slightly. It embedded itself under her nails and the blood turned it a slight pink colour but it was so thick that she could not get it off.

Never, in all her life, had Elphaba ever desired to see her green skin more than she did at that precise moment.


	121. To Be Okay

_Never, in all her life, had Elphaba ever desired to see her green skin more than she did at that precise moment. _

--

**Chapter One Hundred Twenty-One: To Be Okay**

Her body trembled as she stumbled her way to her dorm room. She had found a blanket, discarded and covered with her own blood and the men's fluid, in the abandoned classroom that she had been left in and she had used it to cover herself. Her whole body ached as the drugs began to filter out of her and she could barely stand due to her exhaustion and the pain radiating from her most private area.

It was dark, barely early morning, and no one was around to help her. She struggled to wrap her hand around the doorknob and it took far too many attempts for her to open to door.

Fiyero stopped his pacing at the sound of the door opening to stare at Elphaba as she stood in shock in the doorway.

"Where have you been?" he asked quietly; he was concerned and also angry that she had seemingly slipped away from him again. "I've been worried sick! And why do you have that blanket? Are you cold?"

Elphaba took a step backwards as she dropped her gaze to the floor. "Don't look at me," she muttered. "I can't let you see what they did."

Fiyero's panic and fear overtook him. "Who did what?" he questioned as he made his way closer to Elphaba. "What has happened?"

"I need to get it off of me."

"Get what off?" Fiyero had covered the small distance between himself and the frightened green girl. He was concerned and terrified of what Elphaba would next say. "And what has happened?" He grabbed a hold of a green hand in an attempt at reassurance but the touch made Elphaba frantic.

She jerked backwards, ripped her hand out of Fiyero's grasp, and the blanket fell from her thin frame. Fiyero stared at the sight before him in shock but before he could react Elphaba stumbled by him and towards the bathroom. She fell to her knees and crawled across the tiled floors until she reached the vanity. She closed her eyes and reached blindly through the drawers until she found what she was looking for. Her hands shook as she held the bottle of cleansing oils and she struggled to stand, using the vanity for support, so that she could better clean herself.

She had to get it off of herself. She had to rid herself of the whiteness that stained her.

"Elphaba?"

Fiyero's voice startled Elphaba and the bottle fell from her hand. Time itself seemed to slow down as she watched her last bottle of oils fall through the air. It struck the floor and shattered; the oil spilling out around her.

Silence. Then Elphaba lunged for the sink, desperate to rid herself of the men's fluid, but Fiyero managed to reach her before she could harm herself with the water. He wrapped his arms around her stomach and pulled her struggling, frantic form away from the sink.

"You don't understand!" she screamed as she tried to kick herself free. "I have to get it off! I can't… it… it cannot stay! I need it off! I need it gone!"

"It's okay," Fiyero whispered into her ear. "It's going to be okay. Calm down. What happened? Where have you been?"

"I don't know!" Elphaba shrieked. "I cannot remember anything! All I know is that… there was… and… I… get it off of me!"

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"I don't know!" Elphaba's body began to tire and she struggled less and less against Fiyero's hold. "I just… I just woke up and he was there!"

"Who was there?"

Elphaba closed her eyes against the terror of what she could remember… and the fear of what she did not know had happened. "Get it off of me," she muttered as her body went limp and Fiyero slowly helped her to the floor. "I need it off of me."

Fiyero leaned his back against the wall and held Elphaba so that her back laid against his chest. Her head rested in the crook created between his shoulder and his neck. "He made me… he made me… I… I couldn't stop myself… and he… he just… he _controls_ me." Elphaba shuddered at the memory. "He can make my body do whatever he… he wants it to."

"Avaric?" Fiyero asked even though he knew the answer; there was no one else it could possibly be.

Elphaba nodded, but just barely. "How long has it been?" she whispered. "How long have I been gone?"

"I've only been awake for a few hours. So… no longer than a night?"

"I… he… I didn't know… he… I didn't want to do it… he made me Fiyero. Please… you have to believe me! I didn't want to do the drugs! I didn't want to… to enjoy it! But he made me! And the drugs just made it all fade away into nothingness! I didn't mean to do it! I didn't want to!"

"It's okay," Fiyero whispered. "It's going to be okay. I know you didn't want to. I know. It's okay."

"But he made me enjoy it!" Elphaba tried to distance herself from the Vinkus prince but Fiyero still had his arms wrapped around her waist and he would not let her go. "I didn't want to! I swear I didn't but I… I couldn't stop myself! My body just… just reacted like that! I tried to stop it but I couldn't!"

"It's okay." Fiyero's heart was breaking at the pure self-hatred he could hear in Elphaba's voice.

"No it's not!" Elphaba, in a sudden burst of strength, managed to free herself from Fiyero's hold. "It's true!" she screamed as she shuffled to the other side of the bathroom to huddle by the vanity. "I'm just a filthy whore! A slut!"

"No you're –"

"I had sex with a woman!" Elphaba shrieked. "_A woman_!"

"It wasn't your –"

"They gave me the drugs and then I just didn't care! I just did it! And I found pleasure in it!"

"It was the drugs Elphaba, can you not see that?"

She stood up and Fiyero matched her movements. She stood far too close to the sink for Fiyero's liking but he feared moving too fast. He feared frightening her.

"And when I woke up last, after Avaric had his last bit of fun and tossed me away, I saw all these… these objects! And they were covered in _my_ blood!" Elphaba grabbed the edge of the vanity to steady herself and her voice was choked with shame. "They put… they put… they put things _in me_! Whatever they wanted! Just for their own sick amusement! Or maybe it was just Avaric! How the fuck am I supposed to know? I cannot remember! I cannot remember _anything_!"

Fiyero felt his heart shatter at Elphaba's words. "They… they…" his voice faltered as he looked at the terrified and hurt green girl before him. "Oh Elphaba…" he whispered. "Elphaba… I'm so sorry!"

"Don't be! I'm just a slut! It's what I do! It's all I'm good for!"

"Please… don't talk like that. Not after everything you've strived for. Don't throw it all away because of what Avaric did. It's not your fault!"

"It has to be! Why else would it keep happening? There must be something… something wrong with me! Something inherently and fundamentally wrong with me! There has to be!"

"Elphaba… please…"

"Oh shove it!" Elphaba screamed. "Don't plead! It's not becoming of you! Just go! Just go and let me be! You can't fix me because I'm unfixable!"

"You're not unfixable because there's nothing about you that needs to be fixed," Fiyero whispered. "There's nothing wrong with you."

"Yes there is!" Elphaba slammed her fist against the vanity. "Look at me! I'm covered in _layers_ of filth! Layers of men's own filthy fluid! I'm just a slut! You are what you look! You are what others see you as!"

"I don't see you as a slut."

"But Avaric does!"

"And do you hold Avaric's opinion of you over mine?"

Elphaba's face paled dangerous and she nearly fainted. "Well… I… there's… I… it's just that…" she stumbled over her words, "no? Maybe? I… I don't know!"

"Then let me help you. Let me show you that Avaric's opinion doesn't matter. He's a worthless human being and his opinion is just as worthless."

"He's not worthless! I'm the one who's worthless!"

"I'm not going to let you convince yourself of that again. Can't you see how this talk is destroying all we've accomplished? Can't you see how everything is just crumbling away?"

"Did you think it was going to last?" Elphaba screamed at him. "I had hoped that it would but the truth is right here in front of us!" She pointed at herself. "It's covering me! Don't you think it's ironic that all I've ever wanted is to have white skin like everyone else and now look at me! I've finally got it but at what price! To be a slut? I'm not even a whore anymore! I've fallen even lower than that because now I _enjoy_ it! Avaric can make me enjoy it! Doesn't that make you sick?"

Fiyero shook his head. "It's okay," he whispered. "It's going to be okay."

"Stop saying that!"

"It's going to be okay." Fiyero's voice was choked and he knew that he was dangerously close to crying. "It's going to be okay."

"Stop it!"

He slowly stepped forward as he tried to get closer to Elphaba without her noticing. "It's going to be okay," he continued to repeat. "It's going to be okay." He gently grabbed her hand and, to his surprise, she did not pull away.

"No it's not," she muttered as she dropped her gaze to the floor. The hand that Fiyero was not holding came up to useless claw at the dried fluid on her stomach. "I want it off," she whispered.

"I know," Fiyero said. "But not right now, okay?"

"How did it happen?" she asked quietly. "I just went to sleep, and you were there, and then when I woke up I was somewhere else and… and Avaric was there. How?"

"I think we were both drugged," Fiyero said as he gently led the trembling green girl out of the bathroom and towards her bed.

"Doesn't that make you angry?"

"It does but… but my anger can wait. I will confront Avaric when I can but right now I'm worried about you."

"It hurts," she said as Fiyero helped her sit down on her bed. "It hurts to be… to be used."

"I know but it's –"

"It's going to be okay," Elphaba finished for him but her voice sounded doubtful. "I… I hope."

"It _will_ be." Fiyero squeezed her hand. "Trust me."

"How can I trust anyone?"

Fiyero opened his mouth to reply but he found that his voice could not be forced out around the lump in his throat. Elphaba looked up at his silence to find that he had shut his eyes to try and hold back his tears but they still escaped his control.

"Don't cry," she whispered. "Please Fiyero… don't cry over me."

"I'm crying _for_ you," he choked out, "because you don't deserve this."

"I don't want to be the cause of someone else's pain."

Fiyero just squeezed Elphaba's hand as he could not find a way to form his thoughts into any sort of understandable sentence. "Can I trust you to be alone for a few minutes?" he eventually asked.

"You're leaving me alone?" Elphaba sounded terrified.

"For just a few minutes… and only if you feel like you can handle it. And be honest."

Elphaba nodded slightly. "You're going to come back, right?"

"Just a few minutes, that's all I ask. Will you be alright?"

"You trust me to be alone right now?"

"If I cannot trust you then how can I hope for you to be able to trust me?"

"Go," Elphaba whispered. "I won't move from this position."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

Fiyero stood and quickly fled the room. Elphaba stared at the empty space beside her where the Vinkus prince had sat moments before. Her hands twisted around themselves and for nearly half an hour she could barely even bring herself to blink. She willed her mind into a place where there was simply nothing. Her thoughts were blank and all that filled her mind were numbers as she counted the seconds that Fiyero was gone.

She began to fear that he would not come back. Yet she waited and tried desperately to keep herself from clawing at the fluid dried on her skin. She kept her eyes closed and her hands clenched together. She tried desperately to ignore the fact that she was still naked and to ignore how much she stunk of men.

Elphaba heard the door open but she could not bring herself to open her eyes. She was afraid that it was not Fiyero, that it was Avaric or some other man instead, and she was unable to look at who had entered.

"Elphaba?"

The green girl let out the breath she had not realized she was holding at the sound of Fiyero's voice. "I didn't move," she whispered. "Just like I promised."

"I'm glad." He sat down beside her. "I brought something that might help to make your skin green again."

She nodded; she could smell the milk that he had brought from where she sat. Fiyero grabbed her hand gently and led her back to the bathroom. Her eyes were still closed as she let herself fully trust the Vinkus prince. She opened her eyes only when she knew she would need her sight to safely get into the tub.

Fiyero kneeled down beside the tub and soaked a cloth in the bucket of milk he had stolen from the University's kitchen. "Are you okay with me… with me touching you?" he asked.

"No," she whispered; her voice trembling. "But I'd rather you than myself. Though I don't know how you can stand to even look at me."

Fiyero sighed. "You're body isn't dirty," he said. "It's beautiful."

"It's green and it's used!" Elphaba's voice was bitter, angry. "Nothing more!"

The cloth was suddenly placed on Elphaba's stomach and the green girl stiffened at the touch. She snapped her eyes shut and her hands curled into fists in an attempt to keep her initial feelings of terror under control.

Fiyero gently wiped the men's fluid off of Elphaba's body as quickly as he could. He did not even pretend not to notice how she stiffened at his touch or how she bit her lower lip to keep herself from crying out. She wanted to cry and he knew that but he also knew that she would not allow herself to. Crying was weakness to her and she already felt weak enough without her tears.

The white fluid was caked so thick on Elphaba's body that Fiyero had to hold back his own vomit at the thought of how many men there must have been for such a thing to occur. He knew that if he ever got his hands on Avaric and all the other men who had hurt the beautiful green girl before him than he would kill them all. He would strangle them to death and laugh as they struggled to breathe.

"You warmed the milk," Elphaba eventually choked out around the lump in her throat that was threatening to suffocate her.

"I thought it would be more comfortable if it was warm."

"It is." Elphaba opened her eyes and looked at Fiyero as he tried his best to clean her body without making her any more uncomfortable then she was. She grabbed his hand to still his movement and to get his attention. "Go," she said. "Let me do the rest."

"I don't think you should be left alone."

"I don't want you to see what they did to me," she whispered. "I don't want you to see what their… their objects…" She closed her eyes to stop her tears. "I don't want you to see the damage they caused. And I just… I don't want you to see."

"But Elphaba –"

"You've seen enough," she interrupted. "I only need a few minutes. Please?"

Fiyero frowned but nodded. He handed her the cloth and quietly left the bathroom. Elphaba's gaze fell on her body. Fiyero had cleaned the fluid completely from her chest and stomach but everything below her naval was still stained white. She dipped the cloth into the bucket of milk and closed her eyes as she cleaned herself. Her own touch made her body shiver and it took every shred of her self-control to keep herself from crying.

When she had cleaned herself to the best of her ability she grabbed the bucket beside the tub and dumped the rest of the now lukewarm milk over her head in an attempt to clean her hair. She forced herself to stand and stumbled over to the vanity. She grabbed one of Glinda's spare brushes and began to methodically comb out the tangles, knots, and clumps of dried fluid, from her hair.

Fiyero entered the bathroom nearly half an hour later to find Elphaba still combing her hair. The tangles and fluid had long been removed but she still brushed her black tresses.

"Elphaba?" Fiyero questioned in concern.

"Why me?" she whispered as she stared at her own reflection. "Why me?"

Fiyero grabbed Elphaba's hand to stop her obsessive combing of her hair. He gently pried the brush from her grip and set it down on the vanity. "It's going to be okay," he said for the uncountable time that day. "You'll get through this, I promise."

"They made me do drugs," Elphaba whispered. "I was in a closet. It was… it was dark and… and really small. You know how I hate small rooms."

"I know."

"They made me do drugs."

"It's okay."

"I'm going to have to go through the withdrawals again." Elphaba stared at her eyes and she could see the wetness of tears pooling in them – threatening to fall.

"Yes… yes you are."

"Can I cut myself?"

Fiyero's mouth opened in shock. "Pardon?" he asked even though he had heard her clearly.

"Please," she pleaded. "Just… just once. I… I need it. I need to… to bleed out what they… what they put in me."

"I can't let you."

"Just once." Elphaba stared at Fiyero's shocked and horrified reflection in the mirror. "Just a little one. I'll let you watch even, so that you can stop me if I get out of control. But… please… I need this."

"No."

Elphaba turned to face Fiyero directly. "Please!" she screamed. She grabbed the collar of his shirt in desperation. "I need this! You have to understand! I… I need something to make the memories go away! I need something to take away the pain!"

Fiyero embraced her. The act shocked Elphaba into silence and her whole body stiffened at the touch. She tried to pull away from him but he was too strong for her. "Let me go," she whimpered; nearly pleading. "Please…"

"It's going to be okay," he whispered as he ran his hand through her hair. "It's going to be okay," he repeated but he was no longer sure if he was trying to convince Elphaba or himself anymore.

"Stop saying that," Elphaba muttered as she continued to try and free herself from Fiyero's hold. "And let me go… please."

"It's not your fault."

"Don't do this," Elphaba whispered. "Don't… please…"

"It's not your fault."

"Fiyero… please…"

"It's _not_ your fault."

Elphaba buried her head into Fiyero's chest and her hands balled the fabric of his shirt up in green fists as she could no longer hold back her tears. She cried; sobs that shook her shoulders and brought her to her knees. Fiyero kneeled on the bathroom floor with her and supported all of her body weight against himself. The salty tears that escaped her eyes burned her skin but she welcomed the physical pain as it was a distraction from the emotional torment that tore through her heart and soul.

"It's not your fault," Fiyero whispered directly into her ear as he choked back his own tears.

"And it's going to be okay," Elphaba stammered out around the lump in her throat. "It's… it's going to be okay."


	122. The Struggle

"_And it's going to be okay," Elphaba stammered out around the lump in her throat. "It's… it's going to be okay."_

--

**Chapter One Hundred Twenty-Two: The Struggle**

Her hands were wrapped around his neck; squeezing. His face was blue as he clawed at green hands to try and free himself but it was to no avail. His vision blurred and spun and in time his body went limp as unconsciousness overtook him.

She laid him down on her bed and placed two fingers against his lips to be certain that he had begun breathing again. She let out a sigh of relief as she felt the air passing in and out of his mouth.

Then she fled. A blur of green skin wrapped in black clothing that was far too thick for the warm weather outside. The door slammed shut behind her and it took only a few minutes for her to find her way to the carriage station just outside of the University grounds.

"Where to?" The driver asked as she settled herself as comfortably as she could in the back seat.

"The… the Lower Levels."


	123. Of Responsibility And Trust

"_Where to?" The driver asked as she settled herself as comfortably as she could in the back seat._

_"The… the Lower Levels." _

--

**Chapter One Hundred Twenty-Three: Of Responsibility And Trust**

She didn't know where she was. The realization terrified her but there was little that Elphaba could do to fix it. So she stayed where she was; sitting on a filthy step of an abandoned house on the cracked cobblestone alleyway she was in. She hugged her legs to her chest and rested her chin on her knees. She watched in silence as people walked past her and either ignored her or sent disgusted looks her way. The darkness of the night hid her green skin and Elphaba was grateful for that. She did not want to be recognized.

Her body shook violently and her stomach ached with hunger pains. She could taste bile tickling the back of her throat and she had to keep swallowing to hold back the vomit.

She hated herself.

Her eyes slid shut in exhaustion as she twirled a small bag between her fingers. She knew what she was doing was wrong and only hurting herself more but she could not stop. The pain of what Avaric had done to her was choking her, nearly destroying her, and she felt unable to silence it without the help of the drugs she now held. What she had done to get the drugs was nothing compared to what she believed that Avaric had done to her.

She stood up. Her vision was blurred but she did not care. She walked with no particular destination in mind; she just needed to move. The hand that held the drugs was clenched into a tight fist and she was desperate to keep her tears in check.

She stayed as far away from the main streets as she could and instead chose the dangerous cover of the back streets and alleyways. She passed many men selling much of the same things that she already held. They smiled at her, waiting for her to make her decision, but she ignored them all. She recognized most of them as men she had already paid and she refused to go to someone that she had been to before.

She kept her mind as blank as she could but the horrors of what Avaric had done could not be ignored. Everywhere she looked the men all reminded her of Avaric and she struggled to keep herself breathing through her terror.

Someone grabbed her shoulder and Elphaba froze. "I've seen you before," a voice said and Elphaba closed her eyes.

"I've probably brought drugs from you," she whispered.

"You're the green girl, ain't you?"

"How many green people do you think there are in this world?"

He leaned closer to Elphaba. "It ain't good for you to be here," he muttered. "There are men aching for a second chance with that pretty green little body of yours. If you ain't careful you'll soon find yourself in quite a dandy of a situation."

"Go away."

"I will… but many men you face down here will not do as you ask if you ask for such a thing as that." Then he was gone and Elphaba slowly turned around to face an empty street.

She shook her head to clear her thoughts and returned to her useless attempt at distraction by walking nowhere. She kept her arms wrapped protectively around her but the strange man's words haunted her and she desperately wanted to return to Shiz, to her dorm room, but the last carriage had left hours ago and she was now condemned to spend the night in the dank of the Lower Levels.

So she walked.

The night grew colder and Elphaba's body shook more violently. She stopped walking to stare at the small bag she held in her hand. She twirled it between her fingers but before she could take any a tiny, almost inaudible, meow drew her attention.

She frowned and, in curiosity, followed the direction from which the sound had come. She ducked into a dark, tiny alley and listened as intently as she could but she heard nothing.

"Kitty?" she asked quietly and a small animal cry answered her. "Kitty?" she said again and the same terrified sound replied. She continued to call for the kitten she heard and she followed the sound of the animal's answering cries.

She found the small kitten, barely as big as her hand, crouching behind a turned over garbage can and the wall of a dilapidated house. She kneeled down to get closer to it and slowly held out her hand. "It's okay," she whispered. "Come on out little kitty… I won't hurt you."

It meowed and scooted backwards a bit but Elphaba did not pull her hand away or leave. Instead she tried to reach further towards the kitten. "It's okay," she said as she continued to try and coax out the terrified animal. "Come on –"

"Get away from my son."

Elphaba nearly jumped at the shock of the voice that had spoken to her. She spun around to face the intruder. She cocked her head as she saw a large tabby Cat standing before her. "What's your name?" she asked.

The Cat looked shocked at being asked for a name but he quickly composed himself. "Give me back my son," he growled out.

Elphaba turned her head to look back at the kitten. "He's yours?" she asked quietly; almost sadly. "I… well… I never meant to take him from you. He was scared. I just wanted to… to help him."

The Cat slowly approached Elphaba. He sat down beside her and studied her face intently. "You're hurting," he whispered.

Elphaba kept her eyes trained on the kitten. "Is it that obvious?" she asked.

"Yes."

She closed her eyes. "Take your son," she muttered. "He shouldn't be near me anyways."

"You're green."

"You're an Animal."

"You've been used."

"You cannot talk without fear of being murdered!"

The Cat fell silent for a few moments as their game of stating the obvious came to an abrupt end. "Syren," he said and Elphaba looked up at him in confusion. "My name is Syren," he clarified.

Elphaba opened her mouth to respond but suddenly there was something cold against her temple and she watched in horror as a man she did not recognize appeared from the shadows and threw a thick rope around the Cat's neck and pinned him to the ground. Syren hissed and clawed but he was no match for the large man that had captured him.

"Stand up!"

Elphaba shuddered at the man's voice and slowly followed his orders. Her head throbbed at the movement as she desperately held on to the small bag in her hand.

The man holding the gun against her head leaned in close to her ear. "What's your name?" he asked as he laid a hand on her shoulder.

Elphaba stayed silent.

"Your name!"

"Let the Cat go," Elphaba said. Her voice shook in fear but she could not stand back and watch these men harm someone so innocent and undeserving.

"He's in an area restricted to his kind. He needs to be taught a lesson."

"Let him go!" Elphaba hissed. "He has done nothing wrong!"

The man spun her around so that she faced him. He held the barrel of the gun against her lips. "I'll strike you a deal," he said with a small smile. "If you do something for me I'll let your little friend over there go."

Elphaba's eyes widened in horror as she realized what the man was asking of her. "You're… you're an… an official!" she nearly shrieked. "You can't do such a… such a thing!"

"You want the Cat to go free?" he asked as he lowered his gun and slipped the tip of it into the top of her dress. "Then you will do as I ask."

Syren stared, horrified, from where he was pinned against the ground by the body weight of the other man. "Don't," he whispered, forgetting for a moment that he should not be speaking. "Don't do it." The man on top of him struck him and the Cat fell silent. He averted his eyes so that he would not have to watch what was about to happen.

The officer tossed Elphaba to the ground. He threw her dress up, tore away her undergarments and stockings, and simply stared at her hungrily in selfishness. He traced the barrel of his gun down her stomach and over her most private area. The tip of it was pushed into her slightly and Elphaba, in a moment of complete terror, thought that he would pull the trigger.

But he did not.

Elphaba closed her eyes and did nothing to stop the officer. She did not have the energy to fight him and she knew that it would easier to just accept what was about to happen and get it over with as quickly as possible.

When he was done he slapped her thigh and laughed cruelly before him, and his partner, left her and the Cat alone. Elphaba let her eyes close as she made no attempt to pull her dress down to cover herself. She couldn't find it within herself to care anymore. She had been tormented for so long that she was becoming numb to it. Secluding the memories into some other, some separate, part of her mind and letting them fester there where she could not touch them. Her mind was becoming two separate identities – one that allowed her to survive and at least function while the other held her shame and her terrible memories where they could not destroy her.

She was startled out of her thoughts by a warm nose pushing against her face. She opened her eyes to find herself looking at the tiny kitten that had been previously huddled behind the garbage can. She smiled as it tried to clamber up her face; its claws scratching her slightly. She slowly sat up, her dress falling down to partially cover her, and the kitten quickly climbed onto her lap where it curled up and buried its head into the folds of her dress.

Syren clawed at the rope at his neck until he managed to free himself from it. He slowly made his way towards the green girl and sat down in front of her. He looked at his son on her lap. "You didn't have to do that," he whispered.

Elphaba shrugged. "Another nail in the coffin," she replied just as quietly. "What does it matter to me?"

"I want my son to grow up knowing the love that humans are capable of… not just the hate they show towards us now."

"I did what any decent person would do."

"Not many would give up the sanctuary of their body for a Cat." He placed a paw on her lap, near his son, and though Elphaba stiffened at the touch he did not remove his paw. "And I thank you."

"My privacy is not worth your life."

"I could argue that statement but I have a feeling that you would not listen to my words."

She sighed, wrapped her arms around her chest, and stared at the kitten in her lap. "You should go," she said, "before they come back."

"You need help, don't you?"

"Go."

"Make sure my son knows my name."

Elphaba looked up in horror as Syren turned to leave. She grabbed his tails to stop him from fleeing. "Don't leave him with me," she muttered. "I cannot take care of him!"

"I think you don't give yourself enough credit."

"You don't understand!"

He smiled at her and pulled his tail free from her grasp. He didn't know what he saw in this strange green girl that had given so much to help him but he knew that he saw _something_ that made him believe that his only surviving son would be better off with her than with himself.

"What's his name?" Elphaba asked as she seemed to realize that Syren was going to leave the helpless kitten in her care. "I… I don't want to push a human name on him. Please… what do you call him?"

"Malky."

Elphaba watched in shocked silence as Syren disappeared into the darkness. A green hand slowly petted Malky's soft fur. Dust and dirt broke free from his coat and floated into the air. The kitten looked gray in colour but Elphaba had the feeling that that was simply a trick of the night and the dirt and that she would not know the kitten's true colouring until he had a good washing.

"Are you frightened?" Elphaba asked but the kitten made no response. Elphaba was not sure if Malky was even old enough to respond. "Do you want to come home with me?" she questioned knowing that she was talking more to calm herself down than to speak to him. "It's warm there. And clean. And there's a man there who will protect us."

The kitten began to purr and Elphaba chuckled quietly; sadly. "You'll like it there," she said. "If I didn't hate myself so much I probably would too." She stared at the ball of fur on her lap and felt the responsibility of its life crushing her. She had to keep remembering to breathe as she watched the kitten sleeping in her lap. "I can't promise you anything," she whispered. "But I won't abandon you like my parents did."

She petted Malky for what seemed like hours until the door to the house she sat near was suddenly thrown open. An older woman, one in the maturity of motherhood, dumped out a pail of dirty dish water and the deadly liquid landed so close to Elphaba that she let out a small scream in fear. The older woman jumped in surprise at the voice and laid tired eyes on the green girl sitting so near to her door.

"And what may such a young pretty thing as yourself be doing outside of my door?" she asked suspiciously.

Elphaba stumbled to her feet, pulling her wrinkled dress down to cover herself completely, and clutching the kitten close to her chest protectively. "I… it was… I just… I'm terribly sorry!" She stepped backwards; turned to flee but her vision spun and she shot out an arm to catch herself on the side of the building and keep herself from falling. "I don't mean you any harm! Please… don't tell anyone I was here! You didn't see me! Just… I'm going to go now!"

The woman smiled warmly, kindly, and seemed to understand what Elphaba had been through. "You positively shivering," she said. "Come on in. We don't have much but what we have we have to share. It's okay, don't be afraid. That's it you little young thing… come on in. I don't bite."

Elphaba took a few hesitant steps forward and the woman grabbed her by the wrist and hurried her inside. "Look at you! So thin beneath that dress of yours! My dear little thing… and to be shivering so! Valtin! Stoke the fire for our guest here! We must get her warm!"

Elphaba shook her head. "Please… I'm not cold. Really… you don't understand…" Her words faltered as she could not bring herself to speak of why her body trembled so.

"Oh, don't be shy little dear," the woman said as she ushered her through the entranceway and towards what Elphaba could only guess was the main room of the small house. "Do you think we've never seen someone going through withdrawals before? We live in the Lower Levels for Oz's sake!"

Elphaba froze and pulled her hand free from the woman's hold. "You… you can tell?" she whispered in shock. "You know?"

"Of course you silly little goose. And drugs or not a warm fire will do you good. Now come on, don't be afraid."

The woman grabbed her wrist again and pulled her into the main room but as she stepped through the doorway the light from the fire fell on her and both the woman and the man that Elphaba could only assume was her husband gasped in shock at her skin colouring. She dropped her gaze to the floor. "Go ahead," she whispered bitterly. "Scream. Cast me out. It's quite fine. Really… I won't mind."

"Oh, don't mind us," the woman said as she seemed to get her bearings again. "It's just a little shocking, that's all. It's not every day you see someone who's well… well green. But it shan't matter anyways. A person in need is a person in need no matter what. Now come sit here by the fire. I'll get you some tea."

"Please, no tea," Elphaba said. "I just… I don't drink it."

"Perhaps some hot cocoa would be better?" the man, Valtin, asked as he stood up from the chair and beckoned Elphaba to sit down.

Elphaba shook her head. "Nothing… I'm quite alright. Really, I'm fine."

The old woman shook her head and gently pushed Elphaba down on to the chair. "Della!" she called. "Dellavoy! Get the winter blanket please!"

Elphaba heard a scampering of feet above her and then the small thundering of a young child coming down the stairs. She raised her gaze just in time to see a small red-headed girl, no older than four, skid to a stop in the middle of the room. She looked at Elphaba in confusion and then turned to face her mother. "Who the green one?" she asked; her voice full of childhood innocence. "She a witch?"

The woman laughed. "Dear no Della! She's just a friend down on her luck. Now come on, let her have the blanket, she needs the warmth."

"No, really," Elphaba tried to protest; unused to be fussed over in such a way, "I'm fine. It's quite al–"

"What the kitty's name?" Della asked in curiosity, interrupting Elphaba as only a child could. She handed the blanket she had brought down from upstairs to the green girl and Elphaba stiffly shrugged it on over her shoulders.

"Malky," Elphaba replied. "His name is… is Malky."

"Does he speak?" Della put a hand on Elphaba's knee to try and get closer to the kitten. "We used to had a kitty that speaked but some men in scary uniforms came to take her away and she tried to run away instead but they shot her. So we had to bury her. I was sad."

Elphaba looked down at the red-headed little girl in horror. "I'm sorry," she said awkwardly; not used to such blunt words from anyone, much less a child.

The girl nodded and reached out to try and pet the kitten but she was too far away. Elphaba carefully released Malky from where she held him close to her chest and let the kitten sit on her lap so that Dellavoy could pet him. "He doesn't speak yet, he's far too young still," Elphaba whispered.

The girl turned her head to face her mother as she petted Malky. "Can we keep him?" she asked. "Please mommy! Can we keep him?"

"Della, he's not ours. He's our guests and we can't just take him from her."

"It's okay," Elphaba said. "You can have him. I… I cannot take care of him. I'm not fit for such a thing."

"I think you're just what Malky needs. Now come on Della, leave our guest alone. It's time for you to go to bed anyways."

"But I not tired!" Della crawled up on to the chair to settle herself down so she sat partially on the chair and partially on Elphaba's leg. The action startled Elphaba and made her stiffen in fear.

_Della is just a child_, Elphaba thought to herself as she tried desperately to calm herself down. _She isn't even capable of hurting me. There's no reason to be afraid._

But she was afraid. She was terrified even. The touch of a child so near to her made her begin to hyperventilate and she had to close her eyes and focus only on breathing so that she would not faint. The mother, seeing Elphaba's discomfort, quickly scooped up Della and held the struggling child back.

"The kitty!" Della screeched. "I want kitty!" She squirmed against her mother's hold and held her arms out to reach for the kitten on Elphaba's lap. A green hand moved to lay on top of the bundle of fur so that Malky would not become frightened by the child's loud cries.

Valtin took Della from her mother and disappeared up the stairs. Elphaba could hear the child crying upstairs and throwing a tantrum that the green girl knew was common for a child of such an age but it still made her uncomfortable. She flinched every time a particularly loud scream echoed down the stairs.

The woman dragged a chair over to the one that Elphaba sat in. "What is your name you little thing?" she asked.

"I'm not a thing!" Elphaba spat out before she could stop herself. Her eyes widened in horror and she covered her opened mouth with her hand. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I didn't mean to sound so… I didn't mean to –"

"It's fine," the woman interrupted; her eyes soft and caring. "It was my fault. It's just habit for me to speak as such. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."

Elphaba dropped her gaze to Malky. "Elphaba," she whispered.

"After Saint Aelphaba?"

Elphaba nodded. "Yours?"

"Kimber."

"I know that you… that you don't know me but I was wondering if… perhaps I could… could stay the night? If you don't want me to then that's fine… I'll go. It's just that it's cold out, and dark, and I can't get back home until morning. You see… I need to take a carriage home but they stopped hours ago and there isn't another one until the… the morning."

Kimber gently laid a hand over top of the green hand that was protectively covering Malky. "It's quite alright. I would not have welcomed you into my home without offering you a bed to sleep in. I might live in the Lower Levels but that does not mean that I cannot still have a heart within me."

Elphaba closed her eyes briefly to hold back her tears before opening them and raising her head to look at Kimber. "Thank you," she whispered, her voice shaking slightly. A part of her was terrified about spending a night in a house with people she did not know but she had no other choice except to brave the streets alone. She wanted to trust this family, she wanted to believe that their intentions were honourable, but she was afraid. After all she had been through in her life trust was not something that came easily to her.

"There's a room upstairs that belonged to our daughter. It has a lock and there's only one key that opens it." Kimber stood up and moved to the mantle above the fireplace. She lifted up a flower pot and removed the key that was hidden under it. She handed it to Elphaba but the green girl simply stared at it without taking it.

"It was your daughter's?" Elphaba questioned even though she knew that the story she was asking for could possibly be far too painful to tell.

"She's not dead," Kimber answered with a chuckle. "There's no tragic story to tell. She has simply left the house to find her own way in life."

Elphaba let out a sigh of relief. "That's good," she muttered, more to herself than to Kimber. "I don't think I could handle another tragedy right now."

"So I can see."

"Why is it that my pain seems so obvious all of the sudden?" Elphaba took the key from Kimber and offered her a weak smile. "I used to be able to hide it."

Kimber shrugged. "Sometimes we ask for help without even realizing."

Elphaba nodded but then giggled, the sound odd coming from her mouth, as Malky began to knead his paws into her stomach. Kimber smiled.

"I'm going to go see to my tantrum-throwing child and then go to bed. I can trust that you can find the room upstairs on your own? It's the only one that is locked."

Elphaba, distracted by Malky's attempts at getting her attention, simply nodded and made a low throaty noise as an answer. Kimber took her leave as Elphaba stayed sitting by fire. She curled her legs underneath her and Malky moved himself to lay on the seat of the chair between Elphaba's body and the armrest. He looked up at her and Elphaba could swear he was smiling at her. She pulled the blanket tighter around her shivering form and stared at the flames of the fire as she unconsciously petted Malky until the kitten fell asleep. The small bag she still held slipped from her grasp and fell to the floor.

She did not even notice.

The fire calmed her slightly and Elphaba watched its flames dancing; it was memorizing. In time her fear began to subside and she leaned her head against the back of the chair. It was an old leather chair; soft, comfy, and warm. Most likely a family heirloom passed down from generation to generation. It was well made and sturdy and Elphaba found comfort in it because it reminded her of a chair that had once sat in her own home back in Rush Margins.

She fell asleep without the aid of drugs, alcohol, or self-harm.

--

**_Author's Note: _**_The inspiration for Malky being a Cat and not just a cat comes directly from the fanfiction _"_Black & White_"_ written by TheWitch'sCat. Which, by the way, if you haven't read it go read it RIGHT NOW (and the sequel)! Now, the Malky I intend to create (he will be a more prominent character in the sequel) is going to be far different then the one that TheWitch'sCat created but the basic idea of him being an Animal I borrowed from her. So, thanks to TheWitch'sCat! Now go read her stories because they are practically awesomeness in written form!_


	124. Of Choice

_**Author's Note: **This chapter, as a whole, I am quite satisfied with and like but there are some parts I think are rushed/don't fit in that well but all the editing and proof-reading I have done seems to be of little help so I'm just posting it as it is so that I can get on with the rest of the story. So please be aware that some parts of this chapter I'm not satisfied with but no matter what I do I can't seem to fix them so how it is is how you get it. Hopefully you shall enjoy it._

--

_She fell asleep without the aid of drugs, alcohol, or self-harm._

--

**Chapter One Hundred Twenty-Four: Of Choice**

Elphaba was startled awake by a hand on her shoulder. She jerked away from the touch and let out a squeal of fear. Malky cried out beside her; apparently sensing her terror and reacting to it. "Don't touch me!" Elphaba screamed as she tried to shrink further into the chair for protection.

"It's okay," Kimber said. "Please… calm down. Do you remember where you are?"

Elphaba stared, wide-eyed, at Kimber and her breaths came in short, rapid gasps. She shook her head as in her exhausted and weak state her mind could not sort out her memories fast enough. So she pulled away from Kimber as much as she could which only caused her too push too far back on the chair and it tumbled over. Malky, frightened, squealed and bolted towards the fireplace where he jumped onto the mantle and hid behind the flowerpot. He curled his long tail around his body and watched the scene before him without another sound.

Elphaba struck her shoulder as she fell backwards over the chair and cried out as pain shot through her shoulder and down her back. She forced herself to stand and she stumbled backwards until her back hit the wall. Her arm hung limp by her side as she found that she could no longer move it anymore but that was not her most immediate fear.

She was so terrified by the close proximity of Kimber and Valtin that she soiled herself in her fear. With no undergarments the urine flowed freely down her legs and pooled in a puddle on the wooden floor. Elphaba turned a dark shade of green in embarrassment but Kimber did not judge her for the lack of control the green girl had shown over her bodily functions.

"Elphaba… try to remember, okay?" Kimber held out a hand to keep Valtin back so that he would not scare Elphaba any further. "You came to us last night and I offered you a room to sleep it. Though it seems that you chose to sleep by the fire here than upstairs."

Elphaba wrapped her uninjured arm around herself in a pitiful attempt to protect herself. "Leave me!" she screeched. "I'm not letting you hurt me!"

"We're not going to harm you," Kimber whispered; trying to comfort her. "Come over her and let us get you cleaned up, okay?"

Elphaba violently shook her head and slid down the wall to sit on the floor in her own urine. "Go away," she muttered as she drew her legs up to her chest and buried her head in her knees. "Let me be!"

Kimber carefully approached the frightened green girl and kneeled down in front of her. "Do you remember me at all?" she asked as she watched Elphaba's body tremble in both terror and withdrawal. "My name's Kimber and my husband's is Valtin. We have a child, her name is Dellavoy. Can you remember?"

Elphaba slowly raised her head to look at Kimber. She stared at the woman before her for a few long minutes before her memories finally began to make sense. She nodded, just barely, before turning her head away and dropping her gaze to the floor. "I'm sorry," she muttered. "For… for freaking out."

"It's quite alright," Kimber said with a smile. She held out a hand. "Now let's get you cleaned up, okay?"

Elphaba closed her eyes and did not take the offered hand. "I… I cannot," she whispered. "You see… I'm not just… just green but I… I cannot touch water. I know it makes me seem as even more of a freak of nature but it's the… the truth."

"Well, then we shall just have to find another way to help you clean, shan't we?" Kimber replied, unfazed by Elphaba's confession. "And quickly dear. I'm not leaving no guest of mine sitting in her own urine."

Elphaba opened her eyes and finally took a hold of Kimber's hand. She let herself be helped up as her vision swam before her. She bit her lip against the pain in her shoulder. "Where's Malky?" she asked quietly, suddenly afraid that she might have hurt the small kitten in her frantic state.

Kimber nodded in the direction of the fireplace. "Don't worry, when Della gets up she'll keep him very much occupied."

"My shoulder hurts."

"I'll take a look at it after we figure out how to get you cleaned up," Kimber said as she led Elphaba towards a door near the opening that led to the stairs. She opened the door and Elphaba realized that the family's bathroom was located in the small area underneath the stairs. "I know it's small but it's the only place we had for it," Kimber explained with a shrug.

Elphaba froze when she caught her reflection in the mirror. Kimber looked at her in concern and followed the green girl's gaze to find that she was looking at herself in the mirror. Kimber seemed to understand Elphaba's fear of seeing herself and gently pulled her out of the bathroom. "The kitchen then," she said as she led Elphaba around the stairs and into the small kitchen area of the house. She sat the green girl down in a wooden chair with one leg shorter than the others and handed her a small kitchen cloth.

"I should go," Elphaba muttered as she took the cloth from Kimber but made no other movement.

Kimber simply shook her head slowly, sadly, as she began to realize just how much pain her green house guest was living with. "The carriages will run for all of today, there's no rush," Kimber said as she began to search her icebox for something, anything, to help Elphaba clean up. The only thing she could find that she thought might work was the small bottle of milk they had. It had been meant as a treat for the family as milk was not something they had enough money for to enjoy on a regular basis but Kimber had to make a decision.

She pulled the milk out of the icebox and turned to face Elphaba. The green girl was staring at her hands on her lap and had made no attempt to try and clean herself up with the cloth that Kimber had given her.

"Would milk work?" Kimber asked.

Elphaba nodded slightly. She did not know how much of a rarity milk was in this household but if she had she would never have allowed Kimber to give it to her. However, because she did not know she took the bottle of milk from Kimber's hand and stared at it for quite awhile. The bottle she held was cold and she could only imagine how cold it would be on her skin.

"I'm going to go get you a change of clothes, okay?"

Elphaba made no response and Kimber simply left. Elphaba raised her head only when she could no longer hear Kimber's footsteps. She looked around the kitchen to make sure it was empty before she poured some of the milk onto the cloth and slowly raised her dress up.

She shivered as the milk touched her skin and she cleaned herself as quickly as she could. It took only a few minutes for her to wash the urine off of her legs with the milk and then she used a dry section of the cloth to dry away the white liquid.

She left the cloth on the table as she stood up and began to pace. Her hands wrung together as she tried desperately to distract herself. She reached into the top of her dress but what she had been expecting to find was not there. She panicked. She started to pat herself down in an attempt to find what she had misplaced.

Her drugs.

She became frantic. She searched the whole kitchen but could not find them. She fled to the main room, brushing past a concerned Kimber who had been coming to check on her, and almost ran into Valtin as he sat with Dellavoy and Malky on the floor.

"Elphaba?" Kimber questioned as she followed the green girl into the main room. "Is something wrong?"

Elphaba turned to face her. "I dropped it!" she shrieked. "And you don't understand that I need it!" She closed her eyes, her hands balling into fists at her side, and her voice fell to a whisper. "I… I need it."

"Calm down," Kimber said as she placed the dress she had brought for Elphaba on to a nearby chair. "We'll find it, don't worry."

Elphaba snapped her eyes open in shock. "You… you're not going to… to lecture me? You're not going to try and convince me I don't need? Do you even understand what I'm looking for?"

"You dropped your drugs," Kimber said with a shrug. "And I'm sure you've been told by your friends and family that you don't need them. I'm not here to save you, that's not my place, I'm just here to help you."

"You're not going to throw me out?"

Kimber laughed. "I've told you before… this is the Lower Levels and no matter how much pain you've been through or how much you hate yourself… down here there is always someone who is worse off than you. Try to remember that."

"But –"

"I'm not going to pity you," Kimber interrupted as she walked around the now still Elphaba. "And I'm not going to ask for your story. You're in pain and right now the drugs take that pain away from you." She kneeled down beside the chair that Elphaba had slept in and grabbed something. She handed it to Elphaba. "It's not my place to judge others. I only ask that you do not do them in front of my child. You can use the bathroom if you wish, or one of the bedrooms, just make sure that Della is not near."

Elphaba stood, her mouth open in shock and utter disbelief, and stared at the small bag that Kimber was holding towards her. "You… you don't hate me for it," she muttered. "You're not… disappointed because I do them."

"No."

"But… but why!" Elphaba began to pace, ignoring the bag that Kimber still held. "Why! My friends… they… they hate me when I do them. Whenever I cave they are disappointed! They try to say they aren't but I can see it in their eyes! Why aren't you! Why!"

Kimber's face softened and she pocketed the small bag of drugs. Valtin took Della's hand and led the child out of the room. Malky sat, alone, in the middle of the room and looked back and forth between the pacing Elphaba and the stairs that Valtin had took Dellavoy up. Eventually the tiny kitten jumped up on to the back of the chair that Elphaba had slept in and intently watched the frantic green girl.

Kimber took a hold of Elphaba's hand, stilling the green girl's pacing, and led her to the chair. She sat her down and kneeled down in front of her. Malky half-crawled, half-fell from the top of the chair to settle himself on Elphaba's shoulder.

"I'm not here to fix you," Kimber said. "I do not know you well enough to even attempt such a thing. And as a result your pain, though it is hard for me to watch someone so sad slowly killing themselves, does not hurt me as much as it hurts your friends. They are not disappointed in you any more than they are disappointed in themselves for not being able to help you more than they are. Your pain causes them guilt, and I hope you know that."

"But I don't want it to!"

"Then you should not have made friends, now should you have?" Kimber said with a small smile. "But you have and now you must accept that. In fact, your pain probably hurts them more than it hurts you."

Elphaba buried her head in her hands and desperately tried to keep herself from crying. "I know," she choked out. "I know I'm hurting them and I… I want to stop! But every time I feel like I'm getting better… like it's getting easier… something happens and I'm back at the beginning! You don't understand! People hate me! The world conspires against me!"

"That's a pretty heavy generalization there Miss Elphaba," Kimber said. "And quite wrong seeing as I am part of this world and I, to the best of my knowledge, am not conspiring against you."

"You know what I mean."

Kimber gently pried Elphaba's hands from her face and pulled out the bag of drugs she had pocketed. She laid them in a green hand and then slowly closed long fingers over top of it. She put her other hand under a green chin and raised Elphaba's head so that their eyes met.

"It is your choice," Kimber whispered. "And you are the only one that knows which decision is the right one for you. Only you know the measure of your own pain and only you know whether this life is still worth living for you."

"You're basically telling me to kill myself."

"No." Kimber shook her head. "Some people will tell you that suicide is not the answer but the truth of the matter is – there often isn't any answer. In which case there becomes only choices, suicide being one of the many."

"And drugs."

Kimber nodded. "Yes… and drugs."

"I don't know what to do," Elphaba whispered.

"And that is where your friends come in. Listen to what they have to say… and I mean _really_ listen. Sit down and talk with them about everything and then maybe you will get some answers."

"And if I don't?"

"Then you are left with your choices. I cannot make them for you and neither can your friends. They might try, and often they mean to help you, but in the end it is your life and your decision to live it how you want to. Or perhaps to not live it at all if that is your ultimate desire. It is up to you."

"It shouldn't be."

"But it is, and nothing can change that."

Elphaba sniffled and nodded slightly. "I should go," she whispered.

"Will you not stay for breakfast? I think Della's taking a liking to you. Or at least, to little Malky. She would be sad if you left so soon."

Elphaba shook her head. "I need to go," she said. "I need to… to talk to someone."

"Just another hour," Kimber said. "Please. It's still early. At least wait until it is warmer out, please?"

"Fine," Elphaba replied with a resigned sigh. "But only because you insist and because I feel like… like I owe you something."

"You don't owe me anything," Kimber said as she stood up and made her way to the chair she had laid the dress on. "You don't owe anyone anything. You'd do well to remember that."

Elphaba stood up, stiffly, and raised a hand to hold Malky in place on her shoulder. She took the dress when Kimber offered it to her and retreated to the bathroom to change out of her own soiled clothing. When she stepped out of the bathroom she found Della standing by the door waiting for her.

"Kitty!" the child screamed in excitement and held out her arms for the kitten held in a single green hand. Elphaba, despite herself, smiled and let Della take Malky from her. The child squealed in delight and sat herself down on the floor where she dangled a string for Malky to play with.

The rest of Elphaba's time with Kimber and her family went by fast. They ate breakfast together – a small meal of eggs and bread – and had idle chatter. Dellavoy spent the majority of her time with Malky and Elphaba convinced them to keep the kitten – insisting that she was not the right person to hold such a responsibility.

Kimber washed Elphaba's dress and when it was dry, nearly an hour after noon, Elphaba changed and began to ready herself to leave. She stood in the middle of the entrance hall and smiled, just barely, at Kimber.

"Thank you," Elphaba whispered; her voice choked with emotion. "You will never understand how much I needed this."

Kimber took Elphaba's hand in her own. "Remember this place," she said. "If you ever find yourself in trouble again or just need a place to be away from it all then come back to us. Our door will always be open."

Elphaba nodded. "Thank you," she said. "Words cannot explain the healing you have given me by just… just not _hating_ me."

Kimber squeezed Elphaba's hand in comfort and looked the green girl directly in the eyes. "The problem does not lay with other people hating you," she said. "It lays with the fact that you still hate yourself. And no one should hate themselves. The world itself is cruel enough to us all, there is no need for us to be cruel to ourselves as well."

Elphaba dropped her gaze to the floor. "I know," she whispered. "But knowing is the easy step… acting on what you know is far harder."

Kimber nodded. "I feel I have to explain to you why I do not judge you, and it will also explain why Valtin has seemed to be ignoring you. You must see that my husband has had his own issues with drugs and tends now to stay away from those who actively use. But there is something about you that made me unable to turn you away when I saw you on my doorstep. I have hope for you and maybe one day we will meet again when you are in a better state of mind."

"Hopefully." Elphaba smiled weakly. "I will look forward to it."

Suddenly Kimber enveloped Elphaba in a strong embrace. The green girl stiffened but soon relaxed into the warm hold. She did not return the hug but she also did not pull away. It was a small step but a step nonetheless. And right now Elphaba would take anything she could get.

Kimber released Elphaba and nodded, signaling that now was the time to part ways. But before Elphaba could leave Della, who had been watching from the doorway to the main room, ran forward and wrapped her tiny arms around Elphaba's legs. "Bye El!" she squealed, unable to pronounce Elphaba's full name. "I miss you!"

Elphaba kneeled down so that she would be at Dellavoy's level. "I'll miss you too," she said as she tried desperately to hold back her tears as this child reminded her of the children she could have had if she had not murdered her twins. "And you take care of Malky for me, promise?" She had to force her voice out around the lump in her throat and her words came out no louder than a whisper. "I'll come back one day, when Malky is an adult, to see how well you did, okay?"

Della nodded. "I promise," she said. "I raise him real good!"

Elphaba chuckled and slowly stood up. She turned around to leave but paused with her hand on the doorknob. She reached into the top of her dress then turned around. She grabbed Kimber's wrist with one hand and then with the other she pressed into Kimber's palm what it was that she had pulled out of her top before fleeing from the house.

Kimber looked down at her hand to find that she now held a small bag of drugs; Elphaba's drugs.

Malky, at the moment, cried out. He ran from where he had been sleeping on the mantle to the door. He began to scratch at it with a ferocious, frantic nature. When no one responded to him he turned to Della and bit her. The child screamed and shook the kitten off of her leg.

In the silence that followed a single word was uttered by a previously silent kitten. "Elphaba?" he said, as if he was asking as to the whereabouts of the green girl. "Elphaba?"

Kimber looked at the Kitten in curiosity. "You want to go with Elphaba, don't you little Malky?"

The Kitten nodded and then whined. Della looked at her mother with tears in her eyes. "Mal not love us," she said. "Mal want to go."

Kimber scooped her daughter up and hugged her tightly. "Malky has made his choice," she whispered to the child as she opened the door to allow the Kitten to leave. "He is a Cat and it is his right to make decisions for himself. We cannot force him to do what we want."

Dellavoy buried her head in her mother's shoulder and cried. Malky meowed one last time before leaving; running down the street in an attempt to find the green girl that had left without him. Kimber looked at him before dropping her gaze to stare at the bag she still held in her hand. She smiled as she felt a small bubble of hope for her strange houseguest growing in her as she closed the door and returned to her normal routine knowing that she would most likely never see the green girl again.

Elphaba walked with her arms wrapped tightly around her body. Her shoulder still ached from where she had landed on it but Kimber had massaged it earlier which had, at least, brought back her ability to move it.

Elphaba fell as she stumbled over something soft and furry. She landed, hard, on her hands and knees and slowly turned her head to see what she had tripped over.

It was Malky.

The Kitten meowed and walked over to her. He nudged his head against her hand a few times before sitting down and looking directly at her. "Elphaba?" he said. "Elphaba?"

The green girl had to shut her eyes and turn her head away to keep herself from crying. She couldn't believe that Malky had chosen to follow her. She couldn't believe that this Kitten, this being, would rather stay with her than with a family that could offer him far more security and love than she ever could.

"You should go back to them," Elphaba whispered but Malky did not move. He meowed quietly but made no other response.

When she had managed to get her emotions somewhat under control Elphaba took Malky in her hands and stood up. He crawled up her arm and settled himself so that he laid sprawled over her shoulder and around her neck. His claws dug into the cloth of her dress to keep himself stable and Elphaba smiled slightly. Her hair covered him mostly which she figured was not a bad thing – it would make it easier for her to sneak him into the University.

She found the carriage station with ease as the streets were far easier to navigate in the light of day. The ride back to the University was uneventful as Elphaba simply sat and petted Malky as he slept on her shoulder. She feared how Fiyero would react when she saw him again as the last time they had been together she had choked him into unconsciousness.

She opened the door to her dorm room to find it empty. Wherever Fiyero was he was not near and that fact both terrified and relaxed the green girl.

Elphaba sat down on the edge of her bed. Malky jumped from her shoulder and began to explore the room; ducking under the beds and climbing up on Glinda's vanity. He was constantly smelling everything and even knocked a few of the blonde's make-up and hair bottles on to the floor. One of them broke and Elphaba bent over to pick up one of the pieces of shattered porcelain. She stared at it; twirling it between her fingers and wondering how sharp its edges were.

She slid off the bed to sit, legs crossed, on the floor with her back against her bed. Malky, satisfied that he had explored every corner of the room, curled up on her lap and watched her intently.

A green hand was raised to a green wrist and the piece of broken porcelain was dragged up her arm to her inner wrist. She did not apply enough pressure to break the skin but there was still an indent left behind. For hours Elphaba sat on the floor and dragged the jagged porcelain up and down her arm; never hard enough to draw blood but the intent of what she really wanted to do was clearly understandably. A day earlier she would have been sitting in a puddle of her own blood by now and she knew she was far too close to truly harming herself for her own liking but she felt that there was little she could do to stop herself.

The door opened; Elphaba knew by how it squeaked in its hinges.

"Please don't yell," she said, her voice barely audible, before Fiyero could say anything. "I know you're angry but… please don't yell."

Fiyero sat himself down beside Elphaba but did not try and intervene with what she was doing. "You have a cat now?" he asked instead.

"His name is Malky… and he's a Cat."

"He speaks?"

"Well… he's just a Kitten right now so he doesn't say much yet. He has said my name though."

"Where have you been?"

"It's my choice." The broken porcelain paused in its movement.

Fiyero looked at Elphaba in confusion at her strange words. "Pardon?"

"It's my choice," she repeated. "Everything is… is _my_ choice. Not my father's. Not Avaric's. Not Nessa's. Not even yours or Glinda's."

"What are you trying –"

The porcelain was shoved into green skin, dragged along the inner arm, and pulled out at the wrist. The wound was deep and began to bleed instantly. Fiyero just stared in shock and horror.

"My choice," Elphaba muttered as she placed the porcelain at the bend of her elbow; poised it for another attack on her arm. "Nothing has helped me because nothing… nothing was my choice."

Fiyero grabbed her hand to prevent another self-inflicted wound but when he did Elphaba became frantic. She tried to pull her hand free from his grasp but she couldn't. She kicked out her legs, forcing Malky to flee her presence and retreat to the safety of Glinda's bed, and making contact with Fiyero's stomach. The Vinkus prince doubled over as the wind was knocked out of him and his hold on Elphaba's hand weakened just enough that she could free herself. She fled to the other side of the room; backed herself into the corner between the dresser and the closet door.

Fiyero stood up, slowly, and simply looked at Elphaba. "It shouldn't be your choice," he said. "Not when you make decisions like you just did."

"But it is!" Elphaba hugged her injured arm against her body, the blood soaking her clothes almost instantly. "And I'm not going to get better until _I_ choose to get better!"

"And when will you choose such a thing?"

"Now!" Elphaba screamed. "I choose to get better now!" Her voice began to shake, her words faltering. "I… there's… I have no other choice! If not now then… then it will… never happen! If not now then I will die!"

Fiyero held out his hand and Elphaba stared at him. He smiled at her, knowing that no words he could say would bring her any feeling of security or reassurance. She was petrified of a life without her vices but once she had realized that she only had two choices – to heal or die – she knew what decision she had to make and she had made it.

And she was terrified.

Elphaba threw her arms around Fiyero and pulled him close. She buried her head in his shoulder and choked back her sobs. "I'm sorry," she muttered; her voice muffled by Fiyero's clothing. "I'm so sorry!"

Fiyero was startled by Elphaba's actions and slowly, hesitantly, returned her hug. "I know," he said quietly.

"I'm not okay." Her emotions brought her to her knees and Fiyero sunk to the floor with her. He held her against his body and felt her blood staining his own clothes. "I'm… I'm not okay," she repeated.

"But you can be," Fiyero whispered.

"It's my choice." Elphaba closed her eyes as the blood loss made her vision spin and her head ache. "I'm going to be okay because this time… this time it's _my_ choice."


	125. An Eye For An Eye

"_It's my choice." Elphaba closed her eyes as the blood loss made her vision spin and her head ache. "I'm going to be okay because this time… this time it's _my_ choice."_

--

**Chapter One Hundred Twenty-Five: An Eye For An Eye**

Blood covered her hands; stained her hair. Green skin turned brown, almost black, in colour as the blood dried into a sticky, thick consistency. She nearly vomited but managed, just barely, to keep the contents of her stomach down.

Brown eyes stared, lifeless and empty, at the man before her. Blood gurgled from his mouth as he clutched at the multiple wounds in his stomach. He grabbed her ankle and she tried to jerk away from his hold but could not. His eyes were wide with pain and a strange look of fear. Blood seemed to pour from his nose and mouth and his skin was dangerously pale. He used her body for support as he shakily stood up.

"What… what did… you… _do_?" he choked out. He coughed, blood spraying from his mouth and landing on her face. She flinched. "What did… you do to… to me?" he asked again. He grabbed her hair; yanked it as he tried to stay standing. "I'm… I'm going to die!" Another cough. More blood sprayed on to her, covering her face and upper body. He shuddered before his eyes fluttered close and he fell unconscious, landing with a loud thud on the ground below.

She ran. Naked, shaking, and utterly terrified, Elphaba Thropp ran from the proof of her vile nature.


	126. Of Abandonment Or Friendship

_She ran. Naked, shaking, and utterly terrified, Elphaba Thropp ran from the proof of her vile nature._

--

**Chapter One Hundred Twenty-Six: Of Abandonment Or Friendship**

Elphaba was found, at some time past midnight, huddled in one of the almost-forests of the school grounds by Madame Morrible. The Headmistress was furious with her but when she laid eyes on the trembling green girl her expression softened. She kneeled down in front of Elphaba and put a hand under a green chin and lifted her head up so that Elphaba was forced to look at her. "Avaric wants you expelled," Morrible simply said.

Elphaba closed her eyes. "I was just protecting myself," she whispered.

"You stabbed him four times."

"I'll admit… I was a little excessive."

"A little?"

"If you knew what he has done to me…" Elphaba's words trailed off. "Does it matter?" Her voice was bitter, angry. "What can he do?"

"There will be an investigation. You will have to speak your part in front of a panel of teachers and officials."

Elphaba turned her head away from the Headmistress and stared at the ground. She hugged her knees to her chest in an attempt to shield her nakedness. "And if I refuse?"

"Refusal to defend yourself is seen as the same as an admission of guilt. You will be expelled."

"I have nowhere else to go."

"Then your decision has been made for you. You must say what you have to say and hope that your words will convince the officials."

"It's not my choice though."

The Headmistress shrugged. "There are some decisions that are made for us," she said before turning around and taking her leave. "I will send for Fiyero for you," she called over her shoulder.

Elphaba simply stared at the ground; her body unmoving. Avaric's blood still stained her skin but she did not have the energy to clean herself. So she did nothing. In time her eyes slid shut as she could not even bring herself to look at the world anymore.

Someone sat down beside her and Elphaba could smell Fiyero's distinct scent. She leaned her head against his shoulder, her eyes still closed, and tried to calm her racing thoughts.

"You almost killed him," Fiyero said as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders and held her close.

"He tried to rape me."

"And you just happened to have a knife with you? You just happened to be where he was with a knife?"

"Do you think I led him on so that I could hurt him?"

"I wouldn't put it past you."

Elphaba sighed and fell silent. She chewed on her lower lip. "I didn't mean to hurt him that badly," she finally whispered. "I just… just wanted him to leave me alone."

"They're going to expel you for this."

"Morrible said if I tell my story they might… feel pity for me."

"Do you think you're ready for such a thing?"

"Do you think I'm ready to face the world on my own? If I'm expelled my father will not take me back. I will end up somewhere in Oz alone… do you think that's wise?"

"No."

"Then I must take a chance and do what has to be done to stay here, if even for just a little while longer."

Fiyero nodded and slowly stood up. He took off his jacket and laid it over Elphaba's shoulders before he grabbed her hand and helped her to stand. She leaned against his body and together they made the long trek back to Elphaba's dorm room. When they got there Elphaba sat herself down on her bed and refused to allow Fiyero to touch her. Malky curled up beside her and, sensing her turbulent emotions, nuzzled his nose against her leg to offer her the only comfort he could.

"I'm afraid," Elphaba whispered as she studied the wood grain of the floor. She pulled Fiyero's coat closer around her body.

Fiyero sat down beside her but kept his distance. "What you did was wrong. Hurting Avaric does not solve anything."

"It didn't make the pain go away."

"Did you think it would?" Fiyero gently took her hand in his own and Elphaba, though hesitant, did not pull away from his hold.

"I had to try."

"You could have killed him."

"That wasn't what I set out to do."

"You just wanted to hurt him?"

"He's hurt me… I wanted to show him what it was like."

"An eye for an eye does not work. You're treading a dangerous path Elphaba."

"I know."

"Then why did you do it?"

Elphaba shrugged. "I just… just felt like I needed too. I made a choice."

"It was the wrong one."

"You're not the one to judge that."

"And you think you are?" Fiyero's voice was bitter with painful memories of when Elphaba had thought herself to be the best one to decide whether someone lives or dies.

"No."

"You did with my child. Why should I believe that you don't now?"

Elphaba's body stiffened at Fiyero's harsh words and she pulled her hand from his grasp. She wrapped her arms around herself protectively. "Don't," she said; her voice low and laced with anger. "Don't bring that up… not now."

Fiyero dropped his gaze to the floor. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "That was cruel of me."

Silence. "When does Glinda get back?" Elphaba eventually asked.

"Just over a week… I think."

"I could be gone by then."

"It's possible."

"This is bad."

"Yes."

"I made a wrong decision."

"At least you made one."

Elphaba closed her eyes. "I'm so sorry," she muttered. "Everything you have done to try and help me has become useless now."

"No it hasn't."

"Soon I won't even be here anymore. Soon you'll go on with your life without me and eventually you'll forget I even existed."

"That isn't going to –"

"It's probably for the better," Elphaba interrupted quietly. "You're better off without me dragging you down."

"Elphaba… please… don't talk like this."

She nodded. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "You're right."

They lapsed into silence as they both did nothing but stare at the floor. Malky crawled onto Elphaba's lap and curled up on her legs. He licked her leg in attempt to comfort her but the water in his saliva made her flinch as it burned her skin and Malky stopped immediately. A green hand came up to absentmindedly pet his soft fur to keep him calm as he seemed to be feeding off Elphaba's frantic emotions.

"I want to see him," Elphaba muttered.

"See who?"

"Avaric."

Fiyero looked at his green friend in confusion. "Avaric?"

She nodded.

"But why?"

"I need to."

"That makes no sense."

Elphaba gently picked Malky up and set him on her bed. She stood up, Fiyero's coat dropping from her shoulders to land on the floor, and stumbled to the dresser. She pulled out a dress and clumsily pulled it on over her head. She did not bother with undergarments – she no longer had enough energy to care for such things – as she made for the door.

Fiyero grabbed her wrist. "This is ridiculous," he said. "There's no reason for you to go see him."

"Yes there is."

"What?"

"You wouldn't understand!"

"Do _you_ even understand?"

Elphaba shook her head and pulled her arm out of Fiyero's grasp. "I need to see him," she continued to demand. She opened the door and began to make her way to the infirmary. Her exhaustion made her vision spin and she had to keep a hand on the wall to steady herself.

Suddenly a hand was holding hers and Elphaba turned her head to find herself looking at Fiyero.

He smiled at her. "If you need to see him then I'm coming with you."

Elphaba stopped walking to just stare at Fiyero. "But why?" she asked quietly.

"Because I'm your friend."

Elphaba nodded slightly and dropped her gaze to the floor. "To the infirmary then," she whispered as she returned to walking.

"Yes… to the infirmary."

It only took them a few minutes – Fiyero had to wrap his arm around Elphaba's waist to keep her from falling as they made their way down the stairs – but in time they eventually entered into the infirmary. They looked around helplessly until Elphaba spotted the person she had come to see. She pulled away from Fiyero and stumbled towards his bed.

He was sleeping, or unconscious – Elphaba could not tell, as she stood by his bedside. He was oddly pale and his breathing was labored but other than that there was no real sign that he was injured.

Fiyero silently made his way to Elphaba's side and a green hand slipped into his own hand. Fiyero squeezed it in reassurance and comfort as the green girl simply watched Avaric's sleeping form.

His eyes fluttered opened and Avaric turned his head slightly to lay eyes on Elphaba. "What are you doing here?" he asked. His words were slurred and slow as in his half-unconscious state he had trouble forming coherent thoughts.

Elphaba opened her mouth but she could not find the right words to say so she simply closed her mouth and dropped her gaze to the floor.

"Come closer," Avaric whispered. "I need to tell you a secret."

Elphaba's hand fell from Fiyero's hold and she took a step forward. She knew that she shouldn't do what she was doing but she could not help herself. Avaric seemed to have a control over her that was so dominating and forceful that she could not resist it.

"Elphaba…" Fiyero's voice was laced with concern as he watched his friend just submit to Avaric as if she had no choice in the matter.

"It's okay," Elphaba distractedly said.

"Elpha–"

Elphaba held up a green hand to silence Fiyero's words as she leaned down close enough to Avaric that he could whisper directly into her ear.

"The next time," Avaric whispered; his tone cruel and biting, "I'm going to fuck you so hard that you going to die from the sheer pain – and pleasure – I'm going to bring you."

Elphaba gasped in shock and horror at Avaric's words. She made to move away from him but his hand came up to caress the side of her face; freezing her where she stood. "If it weren't for you vile skin colour you might have had a chance to be beautiful," he muttered as if he was thinking out loud. "Too bad you turned out to be nothing more than my little whore." His hand traced a path down her neck and to the opening of the top of her dress.

Before he could do anything more Fiyero's hand was tightly wrapped around Avaric's wrist. He pulled the hand from the base of Elphaba's neck and gently pushed the terrified green girl away from the bed.

"Leave her alone!" Fiyero all but screamed at Avaric. "Is a knife in your gut still not enough of a hint for you? She doesn't want you in her life anymore so just disappear and let her be!"

Avaric closed his eyes. "Don't worry," he said nonchalantly. "Soon she'll be disappearing from _my_ life when she's expelled. Then you won't have to worry anymore."

Fiyero shook his head in disgust and turned his back on Avaric. He found no reason to try and talk any sense into the man that has so cruelly tormented Elphaba so he simply ignored him. He grabbed a green hand and gently led the shocked Elphaba away from Avaric.

She was silent until they reached the safety of her dorm room where she collapsed on to her bed and curled her body into the fetal position. Malky crawled up as close as he could to her face and rested his nose underneath her chin.

"It didn't do anything," Elphaba choked out as Fiyero settled himself behind her so that her back was pressed against his chest. He wrapped an arm over her body and she relaxed into his comforting hold. "He treats me just the same," she continued. "It was useless. I'm going to be expelled for… for _nothing_!"

"Forget about him," Fiyero said. "What Avaric says and does is not important anymore. You hurt him… you killed that part of your life. It's over now."

"My time at Shiz is over now too."

"You don't know that for sure."

Elphaba sighed and her eyes slid shut. "It doesn't matter anymore anyways," she muttered. "What's done is done. I have to face the consequences for my actions… whatever that may bring me."

"Avaric deserved it."

"So I thought."

"You thought? Have you changed your mind?"

"Does anyone really deserve to be hurt?" Elphaba whispered. Her body trembled and she suddenly had the desperate urge for something flood her body; a drink, drugs, the feel of a knife against her skin, she didn't care – she just needed _something_. Fiyero seemed to sense her discomfort and held her tighter, closer, to try and keep her calm.

"What will happen to me?" Elphaba asked as she tried to fight against her body's physical addictions. "If am I cast out on my own what will become of me?"

"You won't be alone," Fiyero said. "If you are expelled then I will come with you. I'm not going to let you be thrown out like trash without anyone by your side."

Elphaba's eyes snapped open at Fiyero's words. "I cannot let you do that!" She pulled from his grasp and quite literally fell from the bed. Malky was forced to jump on to Glinda's vanity to avoid the green girl's flailing body.

Elphaba shakily stood up and stared, almost angrily, at Fiyero. "I've already taken so much from you! I'm not going to take you away from this… this school! This life! Your friends! I'm not going to steal your education away from you!"

Fiyero stood up and gently held Elphaba's hands in his own. "It's my choice," he said. "Not yours."

"I won't let you!" She shook her head. "I cannot let you!"

"I'm going to even if I have to fight you tooth and nail every step of the way."

"No!" Elphaba stumbled backwards until her legs hit Glinda's bed and she sat herself down on the blonde's bedding. "I cannot let you throw your life away for me! This isn't just being my friend! This is… this is giving everything up! You can't do it! For Oz's sake… you're a Vinkus prince! You cannot just run away from that!"

"It's my life." Fiyero sat down beside Elphaba. "I can choose to live it how I wish."

"No!" Elphaba screeched. "You just… you can't! I… it doesn't… it's not… I just… you…" Her words trailed off and she buried her head in her hands. "Don't do this," she muttered. "Don't put this guilt on my shoulders."

"I'm not trying to make you feel guilty." Fiyero wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. She buried her head in his chest and he hugged her tightly as she tried desperately to hold back her tears. "I'm just trying to help you," he whispered.

"You can't." Elphaba clutched Fiyero's shirt in desperation and he could feel her tears soaking the thin fabric. "Only… only I can help myself now," she whispered. "This is too much of a hole for you to help me out of. I have to find a way to claw myself out of it without you."

"No," Fiyero said; his voice strong and demanding. "You're not running away from me. I can't save you but I can still help you. And I'm not, ever, going to abandon you."

"You should."

"No one deserves to be abandoned," Fiyero whispered, "no one."


	127. A Disease

_**Author's Note/Warning: **This chapter deals with a pretty controversial issue. To explain why I took the path I took with this story I feel I need to say that I envision Oz to be a world that is socially equal to the 17th/18th century of our world. Meaning that women are not consider equal to men or worth as much (I take that from when, in the book, Elphaba tells Boq that she cannot even go into one of the libraries of Shiz based solely on the fact that she is female) which is why, in the investigation, the officials tend to believe Avaric over Elphaba simply because Avaric is a man and therefore less likely to be lying (even though he is). So I just want everyone to read this chapter with that in mind. Obviously what I write about in this chapter has been outlawed in most of the world today but keep in mind that it still occurs in parts of Africa and other places and is very much still a real part of some women's lives. _

--

"_No one deserves to be abandoned," Fiyero whispered, "no one."_

--

**Chapter One Hundred Twenty-Seven: A Disease**

Elphaba fiddled with the fabric of her skirt as she sat. She stared at the floor, unable to bring herself to look the panel of officials directly, and tried to ignore the fact that Avaric was sitting just a few feet away from her. The silence in the room was deafening as the man who had tormented her for so long had finally finished telling his side of their tale – a side that was mostly a lie made to make Elphaba look like she was the one at fault.

"You claim that he raped you," one of the officials said, breaking the silence. Elphaba simply nodded as a response. "Yet he says you were pregnant," he continued. "Is that true?"

Elphaba nodded again – but just barely.

"What happened to the child?"

"I miscarried." Her voice was weak and trembling.

"Do you know the facts behind pregnancy?"

Elphaba shook her head. She found it difficult to speak through her shame and terror.

"A woman cannot become pregnant unless she orgasms."

Elphaba's head snapped up to face the official sitting with all the others at the far end of the room. "What?" she asked in a breathless whisper, unable to believe that she had heard what she had.

"And a woman does not orgasm unless she is enjoying the act. You could not have been raped, as you claim to have been, if you became pregnant. It is impossible."

Elphaba stood up as anger coursed through her. "What are you talking about!" she screamed. "I know what happened! I was there! I know whether I gave consent or not and I definitely did not!"

"Your body tells us otherwise."

"There were three men there the first time! Who knows which one of them was the father! It might not have been Avaric!" Elphaba was beside herself with fury at how ignorant these officials seemed to be. "And who decided that a woman must orgasm to become pregnant? When did that become a fact!"

"It is a fact. It has been decided on by the medical community. You cannot lie to us over it… we know the truth."

"And who did the research behind that!"

"It does not matter. Now please, calm yourself and sit down."

"Calm myself?" Elphaba laughed; the sound choking and full of despair. "How am I supposed to calm myself? You're believing him –" she pointed at Avaric for emphasize "– over me when he is the one lying! Why would I ever find pleasure from him when he has scarred me so!"

"Scarred you?"

"Do you not believe me? Do you want to see!" Elphaba shrieked. She grabbed her blouse and lifted it enough that the large scar that ran down her stomach was just barely visible. "Look at what he did to me!"

Avaric was standing in a moment as he realized that he had to act fast if he wanted the officials to continue to believe his story. He grabbed Elphaba's arm – she froze at his touch as terror coursed through her.

"Do not believe her," Avaric said to the panel of officials as he slowly pushed Elphaba's sleeve up to reveal a scarred arm. "She does this to herself. She finds some sick, twisted pleasure in it."

A few gasps of horror could be heard from some of the officials while others turned their heads to look away. However, Avaric was not done getting his point across and he grabbed Elphaba's blouse. He yanked it up to reveal her bra and the two words she had stained her green stomach with.

The main official, the only one who had talked so far, stood up in both shock and anger. "What is the meaning of this?" he asked Elphaba; his voice low and dangerous. "And do not lie!"

Elphaba pulled from Avaric's grasp and stumbled backwards to distance herself from him. "Don't touch me!" she hissed out as she desperately pulled her shirt down.

"Answer the question!" the official nearly screamed at the frightened green girl.

"Don't yell," she whispered as she slowly sat back down. "Please… you don't need to treat me like this."

"You have lied to us in order to hide your own sloppy morals. You accused this man, Master Avaric here, of rape when no such thing occurred."

"But it did!" Elphaba protested but her voice lacked strength. She was drained, exhausted, and did not have the will to argue with them anymore. "He did… more than once…" Her words trailed off and she fell silent. She dropped her gaze to study her hands as they laid on her lap.

"I think you have heard enough," Madame Morrible spoke up from where she stood by the door. "There is no need to drag this on for any longer."

The official frowned but did not argue. He nodded to Avaric and he, surprisingly, left without a fuss. The official then turned his attention to Elphaba. "Stay quiet, do not say a word, and we shall converse together to decide the proper course of action to pursue."

Elphaba nodded and tried to distract herself by twisting her hands together. She forced herself not to listen to the panel of officials as they hurriedly whispered together. Morrible came to her side, dragging a chair near to her, and sat down beside her to at least be some sort of supportive presence.

After nearly half an hour the officials fell silent and the main one of them all turned his attention back to Elphaba. "Stand up," he said. Elphaba did.

"You have a choice to make," he continued. "You can choose expulsion or you can choose to stay at Shiz University only if you submit yourself to a female circumcision procedure."

Elphaba raised tired, questioning eyes to the official. "Female circumcision?" she asked quietly as she sensed Morrible stiffening beside her.

"The opening to your birth canal shall be stitched shut with only a small hole, no larger than the width of a pinky finger, left to allow the passage through of urine and the normal blood flow that comes with being a woman."

Elphaba turned wide and frightened eyes towards Morrible and her whole body trembled as the horror of what they wanted to do to her began to sink in. "You want to… to what?" she choked out. "But how… what would… how does that… I don't understand why!"

"We hope that it will… stem… your sexual ways."

"But what if… I don't… what if I ever want… want children?"

"Your actions tell us that you do not deserve motherhood. Besides, you are green… we are doing humanity a favour by preventing you from passing on such an… an illness to the next generation."

"You cannot do this!" Elphaba suddenly screamed as anger bubbled in the pit of her stomach. "This is… this is inhumane!"

"We are not making you… this is your choice."

"But look at what kind of choice it is!" Elphaba stood up. "The choice between being cast out in Oz, alone and terrified and unable to fend for myself, or to be stripped of the very thing that makes me female is not a choice!"

"You are overly sexual and it has become almost like a disease that must be stopped in its tracks before you start falsely accusing more men of rape."

"It happened! I swear to you that he raped me!"

"You cannot lie to us."

"Why are you treating me like this? Just because I'm green that doesn't make me any less human!"

"No… but being a slut does."

Elphaba's mouth opened in shock and she stumbled backwards. Morrible stood up and grabbed a hold of her arm to keep the green girl steady. "Do not argue with them," Morrible whispered to her. "They come directly from the Wizard, you cannot sway their minds with angry words or begging pleads."

"What is your decision?" the official said. He had become tired of dealing with, what he thought to be, a manipulative lying little whore and he wanted to end this tiresome investigation.

"Can I have some time?" Elphaba asked quietly. "This is a decision I cannot make on the spot."

"You can have a few minutes."

Elphaba shook her head and dropped her gaze to the floor. "An hour," she said. "Please?"

"Very well," he said. "Leave us but be back in an hour with your decision or else you will automatically expelled."

Elphaba nodded and pulled her arm free of Morrible's grasp. She practically ran from the suffocating atmosphere of the classroom and the door slammed shut behind her. She needed some air, she needed to get outside, but before she could go any further Fiyero – who had been waiting outside of the room for her – grabbed her wrist and stilled her frantic movements.

"What happened?" Fiyero asked.

"Let me go!" Elphaba shrieked. "Let me be! I… I need to think!"

Fiyero looked at her in concern. "What's wrong? What was their decision?"

"They gave me a choice!" Elphaba tried to free herself from Fiyero's hold but she could not. "And I… I need to make a… a decision! I need some time alone! Please… let me go!"

"What are the choices?"

Elphaba closed her eyes and her voice fell to a whisper. "I cannot tell you," she muttered. "You cannot know."

"Why?"

"Please… try to trust me on this. I only have an hour before I must tell them of my decision. Let me go!"

"Where are you going?"

"For a walk, nothing more. Please?"

"I'm coming with you."

"I need to be alone!"

"I won't speak, I promise. I just… I don't want to leave you alone. Not when you're like this."

Elphaba opened her eyes and nodded. "Don't speak," she warned. "I need to think."

Fiyero smiled at her and together the two of them walked one of the multiple paths throughout the University grounds in silence. Elphaba wrapped her arms around herself and stared at the cobblestone path. She could not shake the terror growing inside of her and she had no idea what her decision should be. She was horrified at the thought of submitting herself to this strange female circumcision procedure but she was just as horrified of being cast into the world alone and without the tools to fend for herself.

"What should I do?" Elphaba muttered.

Fiyero, true to his word, did not respond to her question and stayed silent.

"I want to stay here," she continued. "But… I… I just don't know if I can… can do it." She stopped walking and grabbed Fiyero's hand. He turned to look at her. "What do you think?" she asked quietly. "What should I do?"

Fiyero sighed. "I think that… that if you were to be expelled that it would be a disaster. I think that you are… unable to provide for yourself and I fear that you will succumb to your vices if you try to live a life in Oz alone."

"You speak the truth," Elphaba whispered.

"But I do not know of what your other choice is. Surely they won't let you simply stay here without some sort of punishment?"

"There is a punishment." Elphaba dropped her gaze to the ground. "But I cannot tell you."

"Then I cannot make your decision for you."

"I don't want you to… I just… needed your opinion."

"I don't want to push into a decision you are not comfortable with."

"Neither of the choices are particularly good." Elphaba whispered. "What should I do?"

"I don't know."

"But you must!"

"If you must know what I think I don't believe you should leave. I don't think you _can_. You could die if you do."

"But is it worth it?" Elphaba muttered. "Is staying here worth the cost?"

"I think that whatever the cost is it _is_ worth it. This is your life that is being gambled with. Are you willing to risk your life simply to avoid a punishment?"

Elphaba nodded as Fiyero, unbeknownst to himself, had just convinced her of giving up the very thing that made her a woman. "Let's go back," she said quietly. "I've made my decision."

Fiyero fell into step beside her. "What is your decision?" he asked tentatively. He was afraid that she would leave. He was terrified that she would disappear from their lives and never return.

"I'm going to stay." Elphaba still held Fiyero's hand and she squeezed it tightly as she spoke. "I… I have to."

"I'm glad."

"You don't understand what I'm giving up for this," Elphaba muttered.

"Then tell me."

"You can never know."

"Why?" Fiyero stopped walking and placed a hand under Elphaba's chin. He lifted her head up and forced her to look at him. "What is the punishment? What is your consequence?"

She closed her eyes so that Fiyero would not be able to see the shame in them. "You cannot know," she whispered. "You must never know."

"You're making this sound as if your punishment is horrible. Is it?" Fiyero was becoming more and more concerned with every word that Elphaba was speaking.

"It's not… horrible… it's just… well… I don't know what you would label it."

"I don't want you to stay because I'm pressuring you to. If the punishment is more than you can handle then just let them expel you."

Elphaba snapped her eyes opened and pulled away from Fiyero. "I can handle it!" she screamed. "I'm not weak!"

"That's not what I mean. I just… I don't want you to do this just because you feel you need to stay here."

"You're the one who said I cannot be trusted on my own!"

"I said that being on your own could be dangerous but we both know that Shiz has not offered you much either. If you want to leave then leave."

"I don't want to be alone."

"I'll come with you."

Elphaba shook her head. "I cannot allow that," she said. "And I've spoken my piece on that topic. If I go you must stay."

"I will do no such thing."

"Then I won't go!"

"But will this punishment, whatever it is, only make it worse? If it does then what will happen? Then what will become of you?"

"If anything it will make the drugs harder to get," Elphaba whispered as she turned her back on Fiyero and began walking again. She knew that if she let them do to her what they wanted that she would no longer be able to offer her body up as payment for the drugs she still craved. And that, she thought, had to be something.

"What does that mean?" Fiyero asked in concern. He grabbed her hand to stop her but Elphaba shook her arm from his grasp and continued walking. "Elphaba… please… what does that mean?"

She ignored him and refused to answer any other questions he asked her. Eventually he gave up and simply walked beside her as they made their way back to the classroom she had been questioned in. When they reached it Madame Morrible was standing outside of the door – seemingly waiting for her.

"Have you made your decision?" Morrible asked. Her eyes were shadowed with pity for her green student and Elphaba found that she hated the Headmistress for it.

"Don't pity me," Elphaba snapped out as she walked past Morrible and entered into the room. She slammed the door shut behind her, shutting out both Fiyero and the Headmistress, and made her way to stand – silent and perfectly still – in front of the panel of officials.

The main official looked up from the hushed conversation he was having. "Where's your Headmistress?" he asked.

"Outside."

He sighed and stood up from his seat. "We cannot conduct anything with you unless she is here," he said, sounding tired and exasperated. He made his way to the door and opened it. He called for Morrible and she entered but stayed standing at the door. The official shook his head and returned to his seat. "What is your decision?"

"I wish to stay here," Elphaba said. She tried to make her voice strong and her words loud but the trembling of her voice gave away the fact that she was terrified.

"And you will submit to the circumcision?"

Elphaba nodded. "Yes."

The official turned to Morrible. "When can it be performed?"

"We have a nurse who has done it before and is confident she can carry it out successfully and with a minimal amount of pain. But are you sure this is the punishment you want to give her? Think of this young woman… do you want her condemned to a motherless life?"

"Her actions have chosen her punishment. Do it today." The official stood up. "I will stay to make sure the procedure does, in fact, occur and then I will return two months from tomorrow to make sure that it was not reversed without my knowledge."

The officials left, along with Madame Morrible, and Elphaba found herself alone in the now empty classroom. She sat herself down on the floor, her legs crossed, and stared at her hands. She couldn't believe the decision she had made and she was terrified of what was to come.

Fiyero entered, as quietly as he could, and sat down beside Elphaba. "Are you okay?" he asked.

Elphaba turned her head to face the Vinkus prince and pressed her index finger to his lips to silence him. "Not now," she whispered. "Please…"

He grabbed her hand and pushed it away from his face. "What is going on?" he questioned. "What is the meaning behind all of this? Morrible says you are not to be expelled but at what cost?"

"It is none of your concern," Elphaba said.

"You're my friend. Of course it is."

Elphaba shook her head. "Not this time," she whispered. "This time you cannot help me."

"Elphaba…"

She pulled her hand from his grasp and once again raised her index finger to his lips to keep him quiet. "This is the last time I will ever have the chance to be a woman," she whispered. She leaned towards him and before he comprehended what was happening her lips brushed against his and green hands reached down to undue his belt. "I do not want to waste this day," she murmured.

"What is going on?" Fiyero asked as he gently took a hold of Elphaba's hands and tried to push her away from him. "What do you mean that this is the last chance for you to be a woman?"

"Please…" Elphaba found herself unable to control her desires as the fact that she was about to lose what made her a true woman drove her to make the most of these last few hours. "Do not argue with me." She kissed him again; led his hands towards her body and over her small breasts. "Do not fight me."

"Elphaba… why are you acting like this?" Fiyero tried to pull away from her but his own buried emotions for her overtook his sense of logic and his purely male side overtook his desires. He kissed her back.

Their bodies intertwined together and Elphaba's nails dug into Fiyero's back as he rolled her onto her back. Her dress was hitched up to her waist and his pants slipped off and were kicked to the side. The fact that they could be caught at any moment only made their excitement and desire for each other grow. Sweat collected on Elphaba's brow; burning her skin slightly but she barely even noticed. Fiyero's body became coated in a thick layer of sweat from the effort he was exerting as he pushed himself into Elphaba for what, the green girl knew, would be the last time that anyone was ever inside of her.

They collapsed beside each other, panting heavily, and stared at the ceiling as they let their pleasure and desires fade from their bodies. Elphaba closed her eyes and took Fiyero's hand in her own. "Thank you," she whispered, "for you don't know what this means to me."

"I thought you did not want a relationship with me."

"I don't."

Fiyero rolled onto his side and propped himself up on his elbow. He pushed a strand of hair off of Elphaba's face and tucked it behind her ear. "Then what was _that_?" he asked.

"My last chance."

"You once blamed me of playing with your feelings but now I believe that you are playing with mine. I'm confused Elphaba. I don't know what you want of me anymore. Do you want a relationship? Or do you want me to stay with Glinda?"

"You need to stay with Glinda."

"This has happened twice now. You are dragging up feelings in me that I have tried to suppress on your own pleading. You say you do not want a relationship with me, you say that we cannot love each other, and yet you continue to push upon this… this sexual relationship with me. Is that all you really want?"

"Yes it is," a man said from the doorway.

Elphaba shrieked and pulled her dress down. Fiyero scrambled for his pants and frantically put them on. When their nakedness was covered they both turned to face the man who had interrupted them.

It was the official.

"A disease," the official said as he made his way towards Elphaba. He grabbed a green wrist and yanked the now terrified green girl up. "This sexual promiscuity is nothing but a disease. A disease that you cannot stop so we will just have to stop it for you before you damage yourself and others even more than you already have."

Fiyero stood up in anger. "What do you mean a disease? And what do you mean you're going to stop it?"

Elphaba raised her index finger to her own lips to signal Fiyero that he should be silent. He wasn't quite sure he understood what Elphaba was trying to tell him but she was dragged from the room before he could form any words to say. The door was slammed shut and Fiyero found himself in a completely empty room. He was utterly confused at what Elphaba wanted from him and he was terrified at what her punishment could possibly be. The official's words had frightened him but it was hard for him to concentrate around the turbulent emotions swirling in him.

He realized – suddenly – that he was wholly, truly, and completely in love. What he had with Glinda was not true love. That was nothing more than a fling; a relationship based more on teenage desires than any lasting love. But he feared that what Elphaba felt towards him was the same. He feared that the green girl was using him as nothing more than a sexually fuelled affair to be held in secret and ended as soon as Glinda returned.

He loved her but he knew, deep down, that she would never be able to return his love because she was simply incapable of letting herself do such a thing. She could not love herself so how could she love another person?

Fiyero swore his heart just shattered.


	128. Of The Asexual

**_Author's Note: _**_Sorry for the delay in updating but I caught the nasty winter flu flying around my city so I was quite incapable of writing. However, I'm uploading four chapters in a row to make up for it so I hope that makes up for the wait. Also, I know I've been saying this quite a lot lately, but this story IS nearing its end. I've written up to chapter 140 and there's only about four to five after that that I have to write. Then it will be done. So, it's almost over! Yah?_

--

_Fiyero swore his heart just shattered._

--

**Chapter One Hundred Twenty-Eight: Of The Asexual**

Elphaba's throat was raw and her voice hoarse from the screams that had been ripped from her. The pain had been unbelievably terrible; worse than she could have ever imagined it would be. The nurses had offered her whiskey to dull the pain but the nagging part of her mind, the part begging for her to continue trying to recover, refused the alcohol and it sat – untouched – on the small table beside the bed she laid in.

Her legs had been tied together to prevent movement and any chance of the stitches being torn. She had kept her eyes closed and her body stiff as the official had expected her and determined that her birth canal had been closed effectively and to his standards. He had left then and the nurses had told her that she would be on bed rest for at least a week, possibly more. They had asked her if she wanted any visitors but she had told them, feebly, that she wanted to see no one.

And now she was alone. Night had fallen and the infirmary was cast in shadows. The window was opened, on Elphaba's insistence, and the cool night air made her shiver slightly. She stared at the ceiling and desperately tried to ignore the pain radiating from her lower body but she could not. Her shame was suffocating her and she could not believe that she had fallen so far that someone else had had to sew her body shut to prevent herself from becoming nothing more than a useless slut that used her body to get what she wanted.

She was angry. She was furious that somehow, after all he has done, Avaric was still free to walk around as if nothing had happened and she was the one succumbed to a shameful punishment that had nearly driven her unconscious by the pain. The injustice of the world had reached a shocking high and the green girl was coming to the realization that nothing she ever did would be enough for fate to stop its cruel torment on her.

The room became darker and Elphaba turned her head to find that the moonlight was blocked by a small silhouette on the window ledge. "Elphaba?" the form asked and the green girl smiled but the small action did not reach her eyes.

"Hi Malky," Elphaba whispered as she returned her gaze to the ceiling. The Kitten leapt from the ledge and Elphaba could hear his paws against the white tiled floors of the infirmary. He jumped onto the bed and crawled onto Elphaba's chest where he laid down between her breasts stretched out. He had grown since Elphaba had first met him, even though it had not been that long, and his body reached from her naval to the curve of the top of her breasts. He wrapped his tail around himself and simply stared at Elphaba as if he knew that she was in pain.

A green hand sneaked its way from underneath the standard-issued white sheets of the infirmary and slowly began to pet Malky. He began to purr as he let his head drop down to rest on Elphaba's body. She watched him as he was raised up and down from the movement of her chest as she breathed.

"At least you don't hate me," she whispered. Her voice sounded oddly loud in the large but empty infirmary. "At least you do not care if I'm a woman or not. You just want someone to sleep with, someone to hold you. You just want a little love and attention, don't you?"

Malky did not respond for he had fallen asleep. Elphaba sighed and returned to staring at the ceiling.

"Now I'm just green and asexual," she muttered to herself. "Now I cannot be a whore even if I wanted too."


	129. To Be A Woman

"_Now I'm just green and asexual," she muttered to herself. "Now I cannot be a whore even if I wanted too."_

--

**Chapter One Hundred Twenty-Nine: To Be A Woman**

She had not seen anyone but the nurses in over a week. She had refused any visitors and even though she knew that Glinda had returned she had still been unable to bring herself to allow anyone to see her. The nurses had untied her legs and, after examining her, had told her that if she was able to deal with the pain she was allowed to leave. She had attempted to walk but the pain was overwhelming and had forced her back to the bed. She stayed there for a few more days, still refusing visitors, before she became restless and unable to bear staying still any longer. With the help of one of the older and more caring nurses she had shakily stood up, and – after a few gulps of the whiskey she had so desperately tried to avoid – found the strength to walk herself out of the infirmary.

Elphaba's first destination was the library where she found herself almost running directly into Boq. The Munchkin startled her and Elphaba, unable to control her anger, snapped at him to leave her alone. He had quickly disappeared and Elphaba set her mind on trying to find the book she was looking for. When she did she quickly signed it out; desperately trying to avoid looking the librarian in the eye in case she saw the shame that Elphaba swore was plastered on her face for all to see.

She sneaked into Fiyero's room – using the key he had leant her for emergencies – and opened the book to the page she wanted them to see. She laid it on Fiyero's bed and hoped that at some point during the day her two friends would see it. She quickly fled the boy's dormitory, fearing being caught, and retreated back to the library. She grabbed a random book, something fiction that she would not have to think about, and huddled herself in the far corner of the building where she was hidden behind a large shelf of books.

She read. She tried to bury her shame and anger underneath a layer of words and a story meant to take her away from her life. Her womanhood – the part of her that was no longer womanly – ached from all the walking she had down and the pain only made her more aware of what she now lacked.

Almost seven hours later Elphaba was still huddled in the library and the book was nearly finished. If anyone had asked her what the book was about she would not have been able to say for she had not really focused on any of the words as she had read them. She had simply read.

A pale hand grabbed the book that Elphaba was reading and the green girl started. She looked up to find herself staring at her blonde roommate. Elphaba dropped the book and tried to shrink further into the wall. "Go away," she muttered as she let her gaze fall to the floor.

"Fiyero and I saw the book."

Elphaba nodded slightly and hugged her legs to her chest. "I… I couldn't… I can't… I… the words… I just couldn't bring myself to… to _say_ it."

"I know."

"Fiyero and I… we… we ha–"

"Why did you do it?" Glinda interrupted; not quite ready to hear the bitter truth that she knew Elphaba had been planning to tell her. "Why did you let them do it?"

"I didn't want to be expelled," Elphaba whispered and just by the tone of the blonde's voice Elphaba knew that Glinda already knew what had occurred. The blonde knew that Elphaba and Fiyero had betrayed her and been intimate – she was just not ready to hear it; to believe it.

"So you just… just let them… do that? You just let them… sew you up and take away what makes you… well… female?" Glinda sat down beside Elphaba and wrapped an arm around her shoulder.

"At least now I cannot buy drugs with sex."

"But now you're –"

"Not a woman?" Elphaba interrupted. "That doesn't matter to me, not really. What… what I cannot understand is why _I_ was punished. I did nothing wrong but they… they wouldn't believe me. They believed Avaric. To them I was nothing more than a slut trying to lie her way out of trouble. That's… that's not what I am. At least… I don't think I am."

"You're not." The blonde pulled Elphaba closer to her and the green girl rested her head on a boney shoulder.

"Then why did they treat me like one?"

"Sometimes people in power like to… to abuse their power just because they can. And you have to face the fact that Avaric is a man and you are well… a green woman. Women do not have the worth in this world that men do, and you know that. Did you really expect anything more?"

"But it's just so… so unfair!" A shiver ran up Elphaba's spine and she closed her eyes to hold back her tears. "I didn't do anything wrong!"

"I know."

"Then why was I stripped of everything! Why was I punished and Avaric walks around free as if nothing has happened!"

"I don't know why Elphie. I don't have the answer for you."

"Do you know what they told me?" Elphaba did not wait for Glinda to answer before she continued. "They told me that, according to the medical community, a woman cannot get pregnant unless she orgasms. And if she orgasms that means that she enjoyed the act. So… since I became pregnant when I was first raped by Avaric that obviously means that it was not rape! What kind of logic is there in that? Who are they to tell me if I was raped or not!"

"Men do not understand women or the way our body's work."

"Avaric hurt me when you were gone," Elphaba suddenly said; her voice losing its anger.

"Fiyero told me."

"What else did he tell you?"

"Don't," Glinda whispered. "Don't tell me what you two did. Not right now."

"You need to know."

"Not right now."

Elphaba sighed in defeat. "One day you will have to hear it."

"I will be the judge of that."

The two friends fell into silence. "How was Lake Chorge?" Elphaba eventually asked. "Did you enjoy it?"

Glinda shrugged slightly. "It wasn't bad," she replied. "But Shenshen and Pfannee are not my first choice of friends to be with."

"You came back."

"That I did. You sound surprised."

"I didn't think you would. I thought that… that you would not want to have to deal with me after being away for so long."

"Elphie… I enjoy your presence. I value your friendship. I'm not going to lie though… sometimes you are… well… a handful of a relationship but I'm not going to run away from you just because you have a few issues you still need to resolve."

"A few issues?" Elphaba laughed; the sound quiet and full of self-hate and despair. "I'm not even a woman anymore!"

"Don't say that," Glinda whispered. "Of course you are."

"You saw the book! They did it exactly like that! There is nothing left but just… just one small little opening so that I can… _can_ _pee_! How does that make me a woman!"

"It's still there." Glinda's voice was choked with the tears she was barely able to hold back. "It's just… hidden now… so to say."

"Hidden?" Elphaba shrieked. "It's not even there!" She stood up. "They stitched it shut! _Completely_ _shut_! Do you not believe me? Do you want to see!" She grabbed the waistband of her skirt and meant to pull it down – to prove to the blonde just how much of woman she no longer was – but Glinda was suddenly standing and grabbed green hands to stop Elphaba's frantic movements.

"I don't need to see," Glinda whispered.

"You don't need to see or you don't want to see? How can I blame you though? It's disgusting! I'm just… just a freak now! I'm not a woman nor a man… nor anything! I'm just… just some green asexual being!"

"Oh Elphie…" Glinda held her friend's hands even tighter. "That's not true. You're not a different person you just… look a little more different now."

"I… I look different? I cannot have sex! Nor bear a child! What kind of woman am I? What woman cannot provide a man with even the simplest, most basic need of life!"

"Sex isn't a need Elphie."

"It brings upon children! Therefore it _is_ a need! And I can no longer provide it!"

"There must be some way to reverse it. Fiyero told me that this… practice… used to be common in the Vinkus. He said his mother had undergone a similar procedure yet she gave birth. That must mean that there is some way to reverse it."

Elphaba shook her head. "I… I can't. As long as I am at this University the official said he will continue to come back at random times to… to check. As long as I am here nothing can be done! And the… the pain Glinda! You don't understand how much it hurt! I wouldn't go through that again even if it would reverse it! Dear Oz… it _hurt_!"

Glinda suddenly embraced Elphaba and the green girl, terrified and full of anger and despair, could no longer hold back her emotions. She sunk to her knees, pulling Glinda to the ground with her, and seemed to melt into the blonde's hold. Green hands clutched on to Glinda's blouse and Elphaba buried her head into the blonde's chest.

She cried. Sobs that tore her throat. Tears that soaked Glinda's blouse and burnt green skin. It had finally become too real, too painful, for Elphaba to ignore and all her emotions seemed to explode from her. Her relief of seeing Glinda return to her was overshadowed by the pure self-hatred she felt towards herself.

Elphaba regretted it. She wished now that she had simply let herself be expelled but she had not comprehended how devastating the female circumcision would be to her psyche.

"I should have chosen to be expelled," Elphaba choked out; her voice muffled by Glinda's body. "But I… I didn't think it would be so… so…" Her words trailed off and Glinda simply held her tighter.

"What's done is done," the blonde whispered. "We can now only hope to move on. We'll get through this, just like we have gotten through everything else, okay?"

Elphaba nodded but she felt no hope for her future inside of her. There had always been some small thread of hope but the fact that she had none this time terrified her. "I'm not a woman," Elphaba muttered. "Not anymore."

"Yes you are," Glinda said but she knew that her words meant nothing to her green friend. Nothing she could say would be able to fix this. No words would be able to bring back Elphaba's feeling of sexuality.

Elphaba Thropp no longer saw herself as a woman.


	130. Of A Hopeful Future

_Elphaba Thropp no longer saw herself as a woman._

--

**Chapter One Hundred Thirty: Of A Hopeful Future**

Elphaba sat on the commode of her shared bathroom. Fiyero kneeled in front of her, his hands on her knees in reassurance, and Glinda sat on the counter of the vanity. The knife traced shallow wounds up and down a green arm and Fiyero simply watched Elphaba in concern.

"I want to cut it open," Elphaba muttered. Everyone knew that she was speaking of the stitches that held her most womanly area closed so she felt no need to clarify with her words. She didn't think she could even if she wanted to.

"I think you should leave," Fiyero whispered. "Shiz has done nothing for you but drive you further and further into despair."

"I don't want to be alone."

"I'll –"

"You're not coming with me!" Elphaba snapped out. "Which is why I cannot leave because I know you'll follow me even if I forbid you too! So you are the reason I'm trapped here!"

"Elphaba… I'm only trying to help you."

"I know!" Elphaba let the knife slip from her grasp and it left a dent as it landed on the tiled floor. "But you need to have a life too! Both of you do!"

"Fiyero's right," Glinda spoke up from where she sat. "You shouldn't be here anymore."

"And where else am I supposed to go? I have nowhere else!"

"I don't know," Glinda whispered as she turned her head to look at her distraught friend. "But I do know that this place is only hurting you. What have you gotten out of this University except hatred and pain? Nothing. As a matter of a fact… none of us have really gotten anything out of Shiz except the realization that the world is a very cruel place."

A knock on the door startled all three occupants of the room and Elphaba quickly pulled the sleeve of her dress down to cover the shallow wounds that she had tormented herself with. Glinda slid off the vanity and left the bathroom to answer the door. When she opened it she found Madame Morrible standing there. The Headmistress said no words and instead simply handed an envelope to the blonde before turning around and leaving.

Glinda looked down at the envelope she now held to find Elphaba's name scrawled across it. She frowned as she returned to the bathroom and handed it over to her green friend.

Elphaba stared at if for quite some time. The writing looked familiar, as if she should know who had written it, but she could not place it. She sighed and slowly opened the envelope. She pulled out the letter and held it in both of her hands. The more she read the more her hands shook.

Fiyero and Glinda looked at her in concern but a small smile began to appear on the green girl's face. "I… I can't believe it," Elphaba breathed. She looked up from the letter to meet the concerned and questioning gazes of her friends. "It's the Wizard," she whispered. "He's… he's agreed to give me one… one last chance. He wants to see me next month."

Fiyero smiled. Glinda squealed and nearly caused Elphaba to fall off the commode she sat on with the hug she enveloped the green girl in. "Oh Elphie!" Glinda shrieked. "This is… this is amazing! What a surprise! I didn't think he would… dear Oz this is such a chance!" She pulled away from the green girl but kept her hands on Elphaba's shoulders. "This is just the opportunity you need! Just think of the possibilities! If you impress the Wizard maybe he'll want you to… to work with him! You'll be able to get away from this school! You'll be able to use your skills for something… something good!"

Elphaba dropped her head slightly but she looked up at Glinda through her curtain of black hair. She smiled, just slightly, and felt some small spark of hope for her future begin to develop inside of her. Just minutes earlier the green girl had been so full of despair and failure that she had thought there was nothing left for her but now – because of one little letter – she felt that she had a future again.

"My last chance," she whispered as she stole a small glance at Fiyero. She had said the same words to him before her circumcision but now they were not whispered in despair but rather in excitement. "One last kick at the can so to say."

"You look happy," Fiyero observed. "It's amazing what one little event can do to bring someone up, isn't it?"

Elphaba chuckled slightly. "It's the Wizard!" she said as her smile grew just a little bit more. "How can I not be happy? If he ends up thinking I'm… I'm worth something then everything that has happened before doesn't matter. He's the Wizard! If he thinks I'm worth something then everyone else will see that I am too! And… to be worth something… that's all I've ever really wanted – to feel worthy of life."

"You are worthy of life," Glinda said. "But I suppose we are just your friends and there is only so many times we can say such things before it becomes repetitive and useless."

Elphaba nodded. "I think that you two are right. I think it's time I move on from this school. I just… I don't want to leave your friendship. It means too much to me."

"Sometimes you have to make a drastic change," Fiyero said. "Sometimes what you have only holds you back. There's only so much Glinda and I can do to help you before we also become just a burden. We are friends but all good friends must part ways. It doesn't mean we will never see each other again – it just means that when we do it will be an even sweeter time. A stolen moment of joy."

"You sound so much like a poet sometimes," Elphaba said as she slowly stood up. Her arm itched but she knew if she tried to scratch it she would only open the wounds she had created even more so she made a conscious effort to keep her hand away from her injured arm.

"When was the last time you did drugs?" Glinda suddenly asked.

Elphaba froze and she turned to look at the blonde. She shrugged. "A few weeks ago… I think? I'm not sure. Why?"

"You're not shaking anymore. Do you still crave them?"

Elphaba dropped her gaze to the floor. "I think… I think I will always crave them. I think that once you start there will always be a need for them. But the desire has lessened… if that makes you feel better at all."

"Do you feel better?"

"I… I don't know." Elphaba frowned. "It's not bad but it's… it's not the same either."

Glinda nodded. "Is it as horrible as you thought it would be?"

Elphaba shook her head slightly. "No… not really."

"Well… that's good, isn't it?"

"Not that it matters anyways. Even if I wanted to use them I do not have the ability to pay for them anymore. That has been taken away from me along with everything else that makes me a woman." Her voice was bitter and angry and she took a deep breath to try and calm herself down.

"You're still a woman," Glinda whispered. "Just because it's been closed doesn't mean it's not there. And you still have breasts, and hips, and you still bleed as every other female does. You're still a woman."

"But I don't feel like one!"

Glinda took a green hand in her own and gently led Elphaba from the bathroom. She sat the green girl down at her vanity and began to search through her collection of cosmetics and hair supplies.

"What are you doing?" Elphaba asked as Glinda began to pick out certain eye-shadows and other cosmetic supplies.

"Showing you something," the blonde distractedly replied. "Just trust me, okay?"

Elphaba nodded but was uncertain of what she should be feeling. Fiyero sat down on Glinda's bed and absentmindedly petted Malky as Glinda began to do what she does best. The blonde deftly applied eyeliner, eye-shadow, a few strokes of mascara, and a deep rose coloured lipstick. She brushed the tangles out of Elphaba's hair and curled a few select sections before running her fingers through the thick black hair and arranging it so that it fell down Elphaba's back and over her shoulders.

Elphaba kept her eyes downcast and refused to look at herself in the vanity's mirror. Glinda went to the closet and pulled out the purple dress that she had bought for her green friend almost a year ago. She handed it to Elphaba and Fiyero turned his head to stare at the wall as Elphaba changed from her drab frock as quickly as she could. When she was dressed again Glinda took a hold of Elphaba's hand and led the green girl back to the bathroom where the mirror there was larger.

"Look at yourself," Glinda whispered. "I dare you to look at the mirror and tell me that the reflection you see is not a woman."

Elphaba slowly raised her eyes and for the briefest of moments she smiled at the sight of her reflection before she had to close her eyes and look away. "I don't see it," she muttered.

"Yes you do," Glinda said. "You smiled. You saw it. Why can't you just let yourself believe it? You're as much of a woman as I am. It doesn't matter what they did to you. It doesn't change who, or what, you are."

"You don't understand what it's like," Elphaba muttered; her eyes still closed. "You're not stitched shut. You have the freedom to… to be intimate if you want. You can be a mother. I've lost that."

"You haven't lost it. When the time comes that you feel you are ready it can be reversed. It will hurt but it can be done." Glinda squeezed Elphaba's hand in comfort. "But for the time being you must look at yourself and see that you are no different than any other woman. No one knows what has happened. No one knows that you are closed. No one who looks at you can see that. To them you are just a woman. A green woman… but still a woman."

"But _I_ know how different I am. I know how… how less of a woman I am! And it makes me… I feel disgusting for it!"

"But you're not!"

Elphaba shook her head and opened her eyes to look at Glinda. "I chose this," she whispered. "I chose this because I was afraid of being expelled. I was afraid of being alone. I _chose_ this!"

"You didn't know how much it would hurt you. It's not your fault."

"I should have!"

"How could you? You never even heard of such a thing before. How were you supposed to know how much it would affect you?"

"I never knew it meant so much to me."

"Genders define people. They're a huge part of who a person is. You haven't lost yours… you just feel like you have."

"I should never have come here." Elphaba pulled her hand free of Glinda's grasp and left the bathroom. She began to pace as Fiyero watched her from his seat on the blonde's bed. "Nothing good has come to me from this school. The only thing that has not hurt me is the friendship of you two. I thought that things would be different here… I really did. But it seems that no matter where I go fate still plays its cruel tricks on me. Why can I not escape it?"

Fiyero stood up and grabbed Elphaba's hand to stop her pacing. "It's okay," Fiyero said. "Just think… in a month, when you see the Wizard, you won't have to be here anymore. You'll be free from this place. You'll have a meaning in your life again."

Elphaba nodded. "But what if I can't do it? What if the Wizard isn't impressed with me?"

"Sorcery comes so naturally to you," Glinda said from where she stood at the doorway to the bathroom. "Don't worry about it. You'll be fine."

"You cannot say that for certain."

"I've seen you in lessons… I know what you can do. And I stand by what I said – you'll be fine. I'm certain of it."

Elphaba sat down on her bed and looked towards Glinda. "Thank you," she whispered.

Glinda sat down beside the green girl. "That's what I'm here for," she said. "To be your friend."

"I feel selfish."

"You're not. You're anything but selfish. And hopefully one day you'll be able to see that."

"An hour ago I wanted to die," Elphaba muttered. "Now I actually feel… feel hopeful."

"I'm glad," Fiyero said as he sat down on the opposite side of Elphaba that Glinda sat at.

"I'm scared."

"Of what?"

"I… I don't know," Elphaba stammered out. "I'm just… just scared."


	131. Of A Father's Reaction

_"I… I don't know," Elphaba stammered out. "I'm just… just scared."_

--

**Chapter One Hundred Thirty-One: Of A Father's Reaction**

"Why do you have to tell him?" Elphaba shrieked. She was nearly hysterical as she paced in Morrible's office. "Why can we not let him be ignorant!"

"As your father he has every right to know what punishments we placed on you. It is the law and I can do nothing about it. He must be told."

"He disowned me! He doesn't think of me as his daughter anymore! There's no need to tell him!"

"You should try and calm down, he will be here any moment now."

"Calm down?" Elphaba paused in her pacing to look at the Headmistress in anger. "How can I calm down! You're going… you're going to tell my father what happened! He'll hate me even more!"

A knock startled Elphaba and Morrible moved to answer the door. When she opened it Frexspar Thropp stood at the other side. "You wanted to see me?" he asked before he spotted his green daughter. "What is she doing here?"

Morrible stepped away from the door to allow Frex to enter. "She's the reason we are here."

Frex laid angry eyes on Elphaba. "What did you do?" he said; his voice low and dangerous. "What have you done to disgrace me this time?"

Elphaba dropped her gaze to the floor and backed away from her father. She stayed silent and twisted her hands together in nervousness. "It's nothing," she eventually whispered. "Really father… you don't need to know. It's already been dealt with."

"Apparently your Headmistress thinks I need to know as she is the one who asked for me to come here." He turned his attention to Morrible. "What is the meaning of interrupting me as I try to settle Nessa back into her dorm?"

"Elphaba?"

The green girl raised her head at the sound of her name to see that Nessa had just entered. "What's wrong?" Nessa asked. "You look… well… you don't look very well."

"She doesn't need to be here," Morrible said to Frex. "Really… this is something left between the three of us."

"Whatever Elphaba has done Nessa has the right to know of too. She stays." Frex replied and his tone of voice told them all that he was losing his patience.

Morrible sighed. "You might want to sit down." When Frex made no indication that he was going to sit Morrible continued; "Miss Elphaba has had, since arriving at Shiz, some issues with a male student here. She chose, in a moment of anger, to take matters in to her own hands and she injured this student."

Frex turned to his green daughter. "You _hurt_ someone?" he screamed at her. "What were you thinking!"

"Master Thropp, please," Morrible interrupted. "Listen to all I have to say before you become angry. As a result of what Miss Elphaba did there was an investigation and a panel of officials arrived to ask questions and decided on a proper punishment for your daughter."

"And their decision?" Frex interrupted as he kept angry eyes on Elphaba.

"Your daughter chose to succumb herself to a female circumcision procedure to prevent expulsion."

Silence. Frex seemed to pale in colour as he realized what had become of his daughter's body. He shook his head in disbelief. "She lies," he whispered at Elphaba. "She has to be lying."

Elphaba raised her head to finally meet her father's gaze. "No," she muttered.

"What does that mean?" Nessa asked but her question was ignored.

Frex shot forward and grabbed Elphaba's wrist. He was unable to believe the horror of what he had heard without proof. In a moment he had his hand down the waistband of her skirt and Elphaba sucked in a deep breath as her father's fingers traced a path down her most private area. His eyes widened in horror as he felt her as a midwife would feel a newborn baby only to find nothing but the still-healing stitches and the small hole that had been left.

He pulled his hand away from her and stumbled backwards. He wiped his hand on his pants as if the touch of his daughter had made him dirty. "They actually did it," he whispered in both shock and horror.

Elphaba dropped her gaze back to the floor. "I didn't want to be expelled," she muttered. "That's why I chose to do it."

"Do what?" Nessa asked in utter confusion. "Elphaba! What is going on!"

Frex turned to face Morrible. "What kind of school are you running?" he screamed. "How dare you take away my daughter's womanhood! How dare you… you mutilate her like that!"

"Mutilate?" Nessa asked in horror. "Elphaba, what did they do to you?"

"Shut-up!" Elphaba snapped at her sister. "I know it's hard for you but just think about it for a moment and soon you'll be able to wrap your pretty little brain around what they did to me!"

"Don't talk to your sister like that!" Frex screamed.

"It can be reversed," Morrible interrupted.

"Then reverse it!" Frex yelled.

"If it's reversed I'll be expelled!" Elphaba screamed. "I cannot let that happen!"

"Reverse it!"

"Father! Listen to me!" Elphaba grabbed Frex's arm in desperation. "The officials will expel me if it's reversed! That cannot happen! Where would I go?"

"You're coming home with me! You and Nessa both! None of my daughters are going to be in enrolled in a school this… this barbaric!"

"Can someone explain to me what is going on?" Nessa asked but again her question was ignored and left unanswered.

"Don't pull Nessa out because of what I did!" Elphaba was frantic now as she desperately tried to get her father to listen to her. "Nessa has nothing to worry about!"

"No family member of mine is going to be in a school as cruel as this one! I will not allow it!"

"What is going on?" Nessa continued to question; her voice choked as she became distraught and confused. "What has happened?"

Nessa's trembling voice caught Elphaba's attention and she was by her sister's side in a moment. "Don't cry," Elphaba said as she tried to comfort her. "Please… there's nothing to get upset over. Father's just overreacting. It's okay."

"I am not overreacting!" Frex grabbed Elphaba's arm and yanked her from her sister's side. "Do you not care what they did to you! Does it not make you sick!"

"Of course it does," Elphaba muttered. "But it's been done, there's nothing to do about it now."

"We're going to reverse it!"

"And bring more shame to the family?" Elphaba asked bitterly. "Who are you going to take me too to get it reversed? Who's going to operate on the strange green girl? For all we know they might just think I was born like this!"

"Elphaba!" Nessa was crying now in both confusion and fear. "What is going on!"

Frex, frustrated that Nessarose was unable to piece everything together on her own, turned to face his handicapped daughter. "Your sister was sewn shut!" he snapped at her. "She has nothing left that makes her woman!"

Nessa's face collapsed into an expression of horror as the reality of what had happened to her sister began to sink in. "They… they _what_?"

"Oh, don't get all melodramatic on me!" Frex screamed.

Elphaba grabbed her father's arm and turned him to face her. "Don't yell at Nessa! She's done nothing wrong!"

The backhand took Elphaba by surprise and she stumbled to the side slightly as she tried to keep her balance. "Don't tell me how to treat my daughter!" Frex shouted at Elphaba. "You have no right to do such a thing you… you freak of nature!"

"I'm not a freak!" Elphaba snapped back as she raised a hand to rub the tender side of her face that her father's hand had made contact with.

"You're not _anything_ anymore! You're not even a woman now!"

"At least now you won't be able to rape me!"

The room went silent and Morrible, who had chosen to stay silent throughout the family altercation, turned horrified eyes towards Frex but he ignored her. He slowly approached Elphaba and the green girl began to tremble in fear as she dropped her gaze to the floor.

"What did you say?" Frex asked; his voice low and laced with anger. "Please… repeat what you said, I didn't quite catch it."

Elphaba's voice shook as she answered. "I said that at least you won't be able to rape me. But… but neither will Avaric, nor anyone else." She raised her eyes to meet her father's angry glare. "That's got to be something, right?"

"No one has ever raped you!" Frex snapped out. "Who would anyone even want to touch you? You're… you're green!"

Elphaba sighed and dropped her gaze to the floor again. "You're just like the officials," she muttered. "They didn't believe me either. That's why… that's why they did what they did. They said they were helping me. They… they said they were only trying to stem my… my sexual ways."

"And is that true?"

"No!" Elphaba screamed as she shook her head violently. "I swear to you! I've never… I was raped father! Why can you not believe that? Why can't anyone believe that! Just because I'm green doesn't mean I'm lying!"

Frex pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. "I don't know what to do," he muttered. "I don't know what to believe."

"You don't have to do anything," Elphaba said. "Please… it's already been dealt with. Just… just let it be. Pretend you never heard anything."

"Just like you pretended you had that conversation with him," Nessa muttered; bitter at not being considered important enough to be told anything about what was going on.

"Shut-up Nessa!" Elphaba snapped out.

"What does she mean?" Frex asked in anger. "Did you lie about something else too?"

"No!" Elphaba turned to look at her sister. "Why did you have to go and say that? Father didn't need to know –"

"Know what?" Nessa interrupted. "Know that you've had delusions? Know that you're sick? I think he does need to know! Someone does because you need help!"

"You're delusional?" Morrible questioned in concern.

"I am not! I just… I… there was one time back when… when father gave me the looking glass. Remember father?" Frex nodded and Elphaba continued; "I… I thought I had had this… this conversation with you but Nessa told me later that you had already gone home. So… yes, for a moment there I was delusional. But it passed. It's nothing to worry about!"

Frex rubbed his temples in exasperation. "I don't know what to do with you," he muttered. "I don't know how to help you."

"You don't have to," Elphaba said. "Father, please, just let it be. I'll be fine. Don't worry about me at all."

"You're even more of a freak now then when you were born. Where did I go wrong? Where did I fail in raising you?"

Elphaba felt a bubble of anger growing inside of her but she steadily ignored it. She knew exactly where her father had gone wrong, where he had failed at being a father, but she knew that now was not the time to place blame. "It's okay," Elphaba said instead. "I'll be okay. Please… try to forget about this all. Besides, I have something else I need to tell you."

"What now?" Frex snapped. "I don't know if I can handle any more bad news."

"It's not bad," Elphaba said as a smile slowly began to appear on her face. "The Wizard wrote to me. He… he wants to meet me."

Her words did what she had hoped they would – they distracted Frex and Nessa from the horror of what had been done to her body. Frex seemed to almost look proud as Elphaba's words sunk in.

"Why?" Frex asked quietly. "Why would he want to meet you?"

"Because of her exceptional skills in sorcery," Morrible interrupted. "The Wizard believes, if she can prove herself to him, that he might be able to use her skills for the benefit of all. You should be proud of her… it is quite an honour to be requested by the Wizard himself."

"This has to be a mistake," Frex said. "The Wizard must have you mixed up with someone else. You have no talents. You have no worth!"

Elphaba, frustrated and knowing that she was on the edge of her control, leveled an angry glare on her father before she left the office in a flurry of green and black. The door slammed behind her and it took all of her self-control to not simply run away as fast as she could.

In time she found herself at the apple tree behind the school cafeteria. She pulled one of the few remaining ripened apples from a broken branch and settled herself on the ground with her back resting against the tree's trunk. She stared at the red apple as she held it between her forefinger and her thumb. It stood out in stark contrast against her green skin and she had the sudden urge to throw the fruit and remove it from her presence but she did not.

Instead she took a bite; a small one but a bite nonetheless. She continued to nibble on the fruit for what seemed like hours as she tried desperately to let her mind go blank but she could not. Her confrontation with her father had not ended how she had wanted it to. She had always, for the most part, been able to hold her tongue around him and keep their conversations to a somewhat civil matter but this time they had resorted to nothing more than screaming and distraught emotions. It unnerved her.

Elphaba stood up but as she did her vision began to blacken and the world around her started to spin. The half-eaten apple slipped from her grasp and she shot out a hand to hold on to the tree's trunk to steady herself but it was useless. Her legs gave way beneath her and she collapsed to the ground where she could do nothing but stare at the apple tree's branches above her. She saw black dots in her vision and could feel her body trembling and thrashing about but she could do nothing to stop the fit that had overtaken her.

When it was over she laid, panting and frightened, on the ground. Her legs and arms felt heavy and it was a struggle for her just to sit up. She had had fits before but never had she been conscious during them and now she was terrified. She rested her back against the tree's trunk and her eyes slid shut in exhaustion. She was afraid of moving too much because she was afraid of bringing upon another fit.

She felt trapped.

When she finally had enough strength to open her eyes again she found that it was now dusk with night following quickly behind. She took a deep breath and, with her hand on the tree's trunk to keep herself steady, once again attempted to stand. Her vision stayed steady and though her body shook slightly it seemed strong enough to carry her minimal body weight. So she took a step away from the tree. And then another. One more. She stole a glance backwards to see how far away from the apple tree she was and started to panic when she realized that should her legs give away beneath her she would have nothing nearby to help her break her fall.

"Miss Elphaba?"

The green girl turned around to face who had spoken to her. "Pfannee?" she asked quietly. She sounded confused and she was. The fit had disoriented her and she was desperate to find something tangible, something she knew, to grasp on to.

"You look ill," Pfannee said. "Are you well?"

Elphaba opened her mouth to speak but found that she could not organize her erratic thoughts and turbulent emotions into any sort of coherent sentence. Pfannee, seeming to sense that Elphaba needed some sort of help, gently took a green hand in her own and began to lead Elphaba back to her dorm room.

Elphaba kept her eyes on the ground as Pfannee led her back to her dorm room. When they arrived she gently knocked but no one answered so she turned around to face Elphaba. "Do you have a key?" she asked.

Elphaba nodded and fished through a pocket in her skirt. Her movements were slow and her hands shook as she tried to get the key into the lock. Pfannee took it from her shaking grasp and unlocked the door for her. "Are you going to be okay?" Pfannee asked and Elphaba simply nodded as she took her key back.

"Thank you," Elphaba managed, just barely, to force out of her constricted throat before she shut the door and turned around to face an empty dorm room.

She stumbled towards her bed but tripped over a discarded pair of Glinda's shoes. She fell into a crumpled heap on the floor and curled up into the fetal position. Her head throbbed and her body ached but she could not understand why. She was tired, exhausted, and emotionally drained but she feared to sleep. She feared the night-terrors that she knew would assault her.

Glinda found her less than an hour later. The blonde kneeled down beside Elphaba's curled up, trembling form to find the green girl had fallen asleep, or perhaps unconsciousness – Glinda could not tell. Malky had sat himself down on the top of Glinda's vanity as if he was standing guard over the green girl's weak form.

"Elphie?" Glinda asked, not expecting a reply, as she gently shook her friend's shoulder. There was no response and the blonde sighed. She scooped Elphaba up in her arms – no longer surprised at how light the tall green girl was – and gently placed her on her bed.

"What did you do this time?" Glinda muttered to herself. She expected the worse; drugs, alcohol. She did not know that Elphaba was simply emotionally drained and physically exhausted. The green girl's past pointed to more dangerous habits to lead to such an ending, not the body's own failures.

Glinda feared the worse.


	132. Of Womanly Complications

_Glinda feared the worse._

--

**Chapter One Hundred Thirty-Two: Of Womanly Complications**

Elphaba awoke to a throbbing pain in her abdomen. It was a strange sensation, more like a dull cramp that stubbornly refused to leave more than anything else. It confused and concerned her as her foggy mind tried to make sense of her last moments awake.

"Elphie?"

The green girl blinked a couple times to clear her vision and finally laid still hazy eyes on the blonde across the room from her. "How long have I –?"

"Just a few hours," Glinda interrupted quietly. "What did you take?"

Elphaba's eyes widened in horror. "I didn't take anything!" she exclaimed. Glinda looked skeptical. "Really," Elphaba protested. "I can assure you that I did nothing! I just… I had a… a talk with my father. And then I went to the apple tree. Then… then I…" Her voice trailed off and she fell silent.

"Then what?" Glinda prodded.

"I had a… what do you call them? A… a fit, I think. But I was conscious I just… couldn't stop it."

"No drugs?"

"No drugs!"

Glinda sighed as she stood up and made her way to her friend's side. She sat down on the edge of Elphaba's bed. "I want to believe you," she whispered. "But it's just so hard when I know of you're past and how easily you've caved in before."

"I really didn't do –" Elphaba's words were cut short by a sharp pain radiating from her abdomen. She curled her legs closer to her to try and relieve the pain but it helped little.

"Elphie?" Glinda asked in concern but the green girl shut her eyes shut to try and block the pain from her mind.

"It hurts," Elphaba whispered as she pushed her hand down on her abdomen.

"Is it… is it well… that time of the month?" Glinda asked, uncertain if Elphaba could even experience such an utterly womanly event anymore.

Elphaba frowned and opened her eyes to look at the blonde. "I… I don't know," she whispered; fear colouring her voice. She had never experience much pain or cramping when her body did decided to bleed as a woman's body should so the fact that she might now be experiencing such discomfort concerned her greatly.

She slid out from underneath her sheets and slowly made her way to the bathroom. She shut the door behind her for some measure of privacy before slowly pulling her skirt down. She slid her undergarments off to find a small patch of blood had stained them. She frowned, knowing that if it really was such a time of the month that there should be more blood. Green fingers reached down to feel, for the first time, the after affects of the circumcision. She tried desperately to ignore the fact that nothing remained but the almost-healed stitches and a small hole.

And dried up, clotting blood.

Suddenly Elphaba realized why there was so much pain. Suddenly she knew exactly what was happening. The opening that the nurse had left was not large enough for the sheer amount of bloody womanly fluid that was trying desperately to exit her body and as a result the fluid was building up inside of her and causing the severe cramps.

Elphaba clothed herself again and stumbled out of the bathroom. She made her way to her bed and all but collapsed on to it.

"Well?"Glinda questioned.

"It hurts because the hole they left isn't large enough for the blood to escape as fast as it should," Elphaba said; her words were blunt and her tone bitter. She was angry and felt no desire to sugar-coat her explanation for her blonde roommate.

A feeble "Oh," was all that Glinda could manage to say. "Well… are you going to be okay?" the blonde eventually asked. There was no response.

For the next four days Glinda stayed by Elphaba's side as the green girl battled the horribly painful cramps that assaulted her body. The blonde stole a small bag from the cafeteria – made of a thick and sturdy fabric – and filled it with hot water so that Elphaba could press it against her abdomen. It helped, just barely, but any relief was welcomed.

Fiyero was banned from the girl's shared dorm with only the veiled explanation Glinda had given him that it was a 'woman's issue' and that he had no need to get involved. He was concerned but Glinda had assured him that all was under control so he did not try to force his presence upon Elphaba.

Elphaba, for her part, found herself unable to do much besides whimper quietly as she kept her body as curled up as she could. The blood flow was slow and painful and when Glinda approached the nurses about the strange new complication as a result from Elphaba's unnatural surgery they had been able to offer little help. So the green girl was left to grit her teeth and bear the pain as well as she could until her body managed to expel all of the bloody fluid from her.

It was four days that, to Elphaba, were nearly unbearable.


	133. Of Running Sober

_It was four days that, to Elphaba, were nearly unbearable._

--

**Chapter One Hundred Thirty-Three: Of Running Sober**

Elphaba stared at the book on her lap. She read the same sentence over and over again but her brain seemed unable to absorb the words. It scared her a little – to think that perhaps the drug and alcohol abuse had stolen away the smarts she had had since birth.

Malky sat on Elphaba's lap in contentment as the green girl struggled to understand the text she was attempting to read. Classes had resumed the day before and already the jump of expected knowledge for the first year students to the second year students was overwhelming almost everyone – Elphaba included.

"I cannot believe I have to an essay on the first day!" Glinda exclaimed in frustration from where she sat on her own bed.

Elphaba raised her gaze to look at her blonde roommate. The only course they had together this year was sorcery and the green girl found that she was already missing Glinda's bubbly presence in her classes. "Are you going to come with me?"

Glinda looked up from the parchment she was writing on to stare at Elphaba in confusion. "Go where?"

"The see the Wizard. To the Emerald City."

Glinda cocked her head and studied Elphaba closely. "He didn't invite me, he only wants to see you."

"But… but what if I'm not what he expected?" Elphaba dropped her gaze to her lap to look only at Malky. She began to pet the Kitten absentmindedly. "I'd… I'd just like it if you could be there. You know, for… for support."

Glinda slid off of her bed and settled herself beside Elphaba. She took a green hand in her own and squeezed it gently. "You need to face the Wizard on your own."

"But… but…" Elphaba feebly protested.

"I'll come," Glinda quietly said, "but only as silent support. The Wizard wants to see _you_, Elphaba Thropp, not the green girl and her little blonde friend."

Elphaba nodded and sniffled to try and keep her tears at bay. "Thank you," she whispered. "Now if only I can get Nessa to listen to me, then everything will seem like it's suppose too."

"She's not talking to you?" Glinda sounded confused.

"No," Elphaba clarified as she continued to pet Malky to keep her hands busy and her mind somewhat distracted. "She just… she told me I should have let them expel me. She thinks that… that what they did to my body is… is _disgusting_." Elphaba shuddered. "I mean… I know it is but when you hear such a thing from your little sister it's just so much harder to swallow."

"It can be reversed."

"Do you have any idea how painful such a thing would be?" Elphaba shook her head. "Besides… who would ever consent to… to fixing me? Who would ever consent to operating on me?"

"You don't need to be fixed."

"Don't try to comfort me when we both know your words are false. I'm even more of a freak now than I ever was and nothing you can do or say will change that. Face it Glinda, I'm asexual and useless."

"The Wizard doesn't think you're useless."

"The Wizard hasn't met me yet."

"You may not believe me now but one day you will see that the words I say are the truth."

Elphaba fell silent. "Glinda…" she began quietly; seemingly trying to build up her courage. "Have you… have you ever wanted to… be someone else? For just a moment? To see what it's like?"

Glinda shook her head. "No… not really. But I imagine you have?"

"How did you know?" Elphaba looked up at Glinda in shock.

The blonde chuckled. "Why else would you ask?"

Elphaba shrugged and dropped her gaze back to Malky. "I've always wondered what it would be like to be someone else. And not just because of my colouring. But just… how the mind of someone else works. How the day goes by without the struggle to block out the past."

"Elphie…" Glinda was concerned now. "You need to face your past, not try and block it out."

"I know."

"Then why –?"

Elphaba shrugged as both a response and an interruption to the blonde's question. "Baby steps," she muttered. "For now I can only get through the days sober if I block it all out. To face it without anything to cope with is just… too much."

"You're running away."

"Maybe I am," Elphaba shrugged, again. "But at least I'm running sober now. And that has to be something, right?"

"But it's not enough."

"Please… don't push me, not right now."

"You need to be pushed."

Elphaba suddenly stood up; knocking Malky from her lap and the Kitten landed – quite ungracefully – on the floor. "Don't," her voice was low and dangerous as she began to pace. "Not now, not here."

"Then when?"

"Please…" Elphaba could hear a hint of pleading entering her voice and she mentally cursed herself for allowing such a show of weakness. "Just… just don't."

Glinda nodded slightly. Elphaba was unsure if the blonde understood why she had needed her to stop her prying or if she had simply given up on trying to help her.

"You're not ugly."

Glinda's words caused Elphaba to stop in shock. The green girl slowly turned to face her roommate and they found themselves just staring at each other.

Elphaba fled.


	134. Of Cleaning

_Elphaba fled._

--

**Chapter One Hundred Thirty-Four: Of Cleaning**

The room was cold and the atmosphere stifling. Elphaba looked around to find that it had never been tidied since the last time she had been here. This abandoned and seemingly forgotten classroom was still full of objects covered in her own blood and the floor still stained with male fluid. It reeked; the smell nearly causing Elphaba to vomit.

She didn't understand why she had come back here. To prove to herself how much of a whore she was? To despair over the fact that she had lost the ability to ever do such an utterly sexual act again? Or to feel relief that she could never again be tormented by men like she had been that day?

She wanted to scream. She wanted to cry. She wanted to release her turbulent emotions and pain in some way but she felt suffocated and unable to. Tears would burn her skin. Screams would surely be heard by someone. And any other release she could think of would only be a step backwards from the recovery she was still desperately striving for.

So she cleaned.

She filled a small bucket with water from the classroom sink – realizing that, because of the presence of the sink, this abandoned classroom must have been either a biology room or a life science room. She ripped a couple pieces of cloth off of a stained blanket that was nearby and gingerly ducked them in the bucket.

She bit her bottom lip as the water burned her skin. She got on her hands and knees and scrubbed her dried blood and the men's fluids from the wood floor. She piled the dirty objects – that she knew had, at one point, been inside of her – in a corner where she could ignore their presence.

By the time the room was cleaned as well as it could be Elphaba's hands were red and her green skin raw from the burning water. She replaced the bucket in its spot under the sink and tossed the used rags on the pile of dirty objects. She made her way to the door but before she left she turned around to examine her work.

A small smile graced her face.


	135. The Green Whore

_A small smile graced her face._

--

**Chapter One Hundred Thirty-Five: The Green Whore**

Elphaba was alone when she saw Avaric for the first time since her circumcision. She was walking to the cafeteria to meet Glinda and Fiyero for the lunch break when he seemed to appear from nowhere. He placed a hand on her shoulder – his touch frightening her into stillness – and looked her up and down.

"I cannot believe you were not expelled," he said. "Morrible said you were punished but she refused to tell me how."

Elphaba's throat was dry and her thoughts frantic as she stared at him. "Leave me alone," she choked out. "Please…"

"I think you need your due punishment, don't you?"

Elphaba stiffened at his words but the crowd of students around them hid his actions from any teacher's prying eyes. She was desperate for help but could not find her voice to cry out.

He dragged her from the path; threw her against the ground under the cover of a small patch of bushes and trees. He threw up her dress and pulled down her undergarments but froze when he saw her. He sucked in a deep breath at the sight before him and for a moment Elphaba swore he felt just a little remorse.

"Disgusting," he muttered as he looked at her. His fingers explored the lack of womanly features that Elphaba now had and the green girl gasped in pain as Avaric tried to force a single finger into the hole that remained.

He could not.

Avaric stood up in anger and frustration. "You cannot even be a whore anymore!" he spat out. "You're as useless as trash now and you should be thrown out just the same!" He disappeared, leaving Elphaba half-naked and trembling on the ground.

She laid still, barely even breathing, until she heard the bell signalling the end of the lunch break and the start of the final class of the day ringing throughout the school grounds. It startled her slightly and she frowned. She pulled up her undergarments and slowly stood up. She kept a hand on a nearby tree to steady herself as she watched, from her hidden place beneath the trees, as the students filed out of the cafeteria and began to return to class. It wasn't until she saw no more students did Elphaba dare to even breathe properly.

She wrapped her arms around herself for protection and warmth and slowly walked one of the many brick paths of the University grounds without any real destination in mind. She knew she should go to class but her mind was racing and fear still surged through her. A part of her was relieved that the circumcision had prevented Avaric from harming her once again but his words had hurt – even though she knew that they shouldn't have. She knew, in a factual way, that she was worth so much more than just the title of a whore but she couldn't shake the label she – and so many others – had given her.

She soon found herself outside of the boy's dormitory and she sneaked her way inside. The building was mostly empty for almost everyone was in class so Elphaba managed to get to Fiyero's room without any trouble. She used the key he had given her to enter where she then began to search, methodically and systematically, throughout the room. She didn't feel like herself. She felt like she was outside of her body, watching herself move about without any ability to change her course of action.

She found a collection of Fiyero's money stashed away underneath his socks in the bottom drawer of his dresser. She took a handful of coins and clenched them in her fist. It took her only a few minutes to make her way to the carriage station outside of the University. She slipped into one, paid the necessary money, and waited through the trip to the Lower Levels.

When she arrived she walked the familiar paths of back streets and dark alleyways. She found a man; gave him a handful of coins and told him what she wanted. He disappeared into a nearby store and returned to Elphaba a few minutes later with what she had requested. He left then, seeming to know he would get no more of the strange green woman he saw on occasion.

Elphaba opened the bottle she held and took a long swig. The taste of the alcohol was bitter and strong and nearly made her gag. She had asked for him to buy her whiskey but by the taste he clearly had not. She did not know what was in the bottle she held, nor how strong it was, and she didn't care to look.

She clutched the bottle close to her chest and returned to the carriage station. The driver she had was the same one who had taken her here and he looked at her with pity in his eyes as he saw what she held. Elphaba scowled at him and handed him a few coins. He did not need to be told directions – he knew to return her to the University.

By the time she made her way to the door of her dorm room dusk had fallen. She could faintly hear talking from within the room and she recognized the voices of both Glinda and Fiyero. She took another swig from her bottle – it was nearly half-gone by now – and reached for the doorknob. She felt lightheaded and her steps were wobbly as she pushed the door open.

She stood in the doorway, what she held plain for all too see, and kept her eyes downcast. She stepped inside, acutely aware of how quiet her two friends had suddenly become, and closed the door behind her. She heard the shuffling of bed sheets and then footsteps coming towards her.

A hand grabbed her wrist. "Elphie?"

The green girl turned her head to stare at the pale hand that held her wrist. She followed the length of an equally as pale arm until her gaze fell on a very recognizable face. "Yes?" she questioned her blonde roommate,

"Where have you been? And why didn't you come to lunch?"

Elphaba averted her eyes to the ground. "Avaric," she muttered; finding the sudden lump in her throat almost impossible to speak around.

Glinda's eyes widened in horror. "He didn't… did he?" she asked as she tried to lead Elphaba to her bed but the green girl would not be moved.

Elphaba shook her head ever-so-slightly. "He… he saw what they did and he told me that… that I was useless now. Worse than trash even."

"But you're not!" Glinda exclaimed. Fiyero rose from Glinda's bed and joined the two by the door where he gently pried the bottle from a green hand.

A shiver ran up Elphaba's spine as she tried desperately to hold back her tears. "I cannot even be a whore anymore," she whispered.

Glinda's mouth opened in shock. "You were never a whore," she said as she once again tried to lead her friend to her bed. Elphaba did not resist this time and, with Fiyero holding her other hand, the green girl was settled down on her bed and her two friends sat on either side of her. "And don't listen to what Avaric says! You know he only means to hurt…" Glinda trailed off as she felt Elphaba's body beginning to tremble terribly. "Are… are you crying?" she asked in both surprise and concern.

Elphaba closed her eyes tightly and balled her hands into fists on her lap but she could not stop her tears. She tried to open her mouth to speak but she could not find her voice. She buried her head in her hands and her shoulders shook from the force of her sobs.

"His actions have gone unpunished," Elphaba choked out; her words muffled by her hands. "And I have done nothing wrong yet… yet I am the one scarred! I am the one mutilated and punished and full of so much shame! Why? Why!"

Fiyero rubbed calming circles over Elphaba's back as Glinda quickly retreated into the bathroom to retrieve a towel. She handed it to Elphaba and the green girl took it quickly; pressing it against her face. They sat together in silence. Elphaba, having no ability to say anything more through her choking sobs, and Glinda and Fiyero, knowing that no words they could say would bring their green friend any comfort, brought about the comforting silence that surrounded them.

"I'm sorry," Elphaba finally whispered. "I shouldn't have drank."

Glinda laid a hand on Elphaba's knee in reassurance. "I'm just glad you came to us instead of drinking yourself into oblivion."

"Throw it away. Please."

Fiyero nodded and took the bottle from where he had placed it on Elphaba's nightstand. He went into the bathroom where he poured the addictive liquid into the sink and watched it disappear. He sat himself down besides Elphaba again and handed her the empty bottle.

Elphaba let the towel fall to the floor as she turned the now empty bottle around and around again in her hands. "If I could get away with it I would kill Avaric," Elphaba muttered as she stared at the bottle. "There would be no hesitation. I would kill him with no remorse." She sighed. "Does _that_ make me a monster?"

"No," Glinda said. "And what do you mean by 'does _that_ make you a monster'?"

"I feel as if I'm a monster but I… I don't know why anymore. I don't know why I hate myself so much."

"You're not a monster and there's no reason for you to hate yourself."

"Yet I still do." Elphaba continued to twirl the empty bottle between her hands. She seemed to be memorized as she stared at it. "And I'd rather have a reason to hate myself then to just blindly do it."

"Perhaps it's time to cast away that hate," Fiyero said. "Now that you can find no reason to think of yourself as a monster then maybe that's a sign to change the way that you think of yourself."

Elphaba nodded but did not reply. She did not deny Fiyero's words but she did not accept them either. They were simply words to her and she was beginning, slowly, to realize how poisonous this University was to her and how little Glinda and Fiyero could do to help her now.

"Our time together is coming to an end," Elphaba whispered. "Whether the Wizards sees anything in me or not is not the issue anymore. When I go to the Emerald City I doubt I will return."

"Elphie…"

"As long as I am here I will never heal. As long as… as Avaric is… is here then… then there is… then…" Elphaba sputtered before falling silent. "I need to leave," she eventually finished. "I'm not meant for this school."

"I'm sorry," Glinda whispered. "For… for not being able to help you."

"You have helped," Elphaba insisted.

"I don't feel like I have."

"You both have," Elphaba said as she stood up. She began to pace but the alcohol she had consumed made her steps slow and unsteady. She wrung her hands together. "It's just that… that you are no older than me and you have no more experience in life than I. I need help in a way that you cannot offer me. I need some sort of… parental figure to show me what path to take. But… I doubt I will ever find that unless… unless the Wizard will take me in."

"I'm sure he will," Fiyero said. "No one can deny the talent you have in sorcery."

"Then my future is in his hands," Elphaba whispered. "And that… in a way… frightens me."

"We cannot always control what direction our lives take," Fiyero said.

"I know that!" Elphaba spat out. "If I could I would have changed quite a lot!"

Fiyero frowned. "I didn't mean to upset you."

Elphaba ran her hands through her tangled mess of hair and chewed on her bottom lip. "I'm sorry," she muttered. "I shouldn't have yelled."

"It's okay," Fiyero said. "Now come sit back down, okay?" He patted the bed. "You need to rest."

"I'm fine." Elphaba continued to pace as she smoothed down her dress. Rubbed the back of her neck. Twisted her hands together. Ground her teeth against each other. "I want another drink," she muttered.

"You asked me to get rid of it," Fiyero said. "It's gone now."

"I know but… I still want some."

Glinda furrowed her brow as a question suddenly popped into her head. "How did you pay for the alcohol?" she quietly asked; knowing that the green girl could no longer offer up her body as payment.

Elphaba froze and slowly turned her head to look at her two friends as they sat on her bed. Green fingers twisted together into some strange, ill-fitting puzzle. "With money," she whispered as she averted her eyes to stare at the floor.

"Money from where? You don't have that kind of money," Glinda said.

"I stole." Elphaba's voice was now so quiet that Fiyero and Glinda questioned every word they heard; wondering if she really had said it. "From… from you Fiyero."

The Vinkus prince was standing in a second, anger coursing through him. "You stole from me!" he shouted. "Why would you do such a thing!"

Elphaba shrunk away from his imposing figure. "I'm… I'm sorry," she stammered out. "I just… it's that… well… I have no… you see…" She fell silent as Fiyero's fury made her so terrified that she could not even form a coherent sentence. "Please… I'm so sorry!"

"You are so dependant on your vices that you would steal! Again! You stole once from Glinda and we both turned a blind eye to that and forgave you! But… but again!" He stepped forward so he was mere inches away from her. His closeness was suffocating; his body towering over her.

Elphaba backed up until her legs hit Glinda's bed. She half-fell, half-sat down and pressed her hands against her ears to try and block out Fiyero's voice. "Shut-up!" she screamed. "Father! Please! Stop yelling!"

Fiyero paled at Elphaba's words. "I'm not your father," he whispered but the meaning behind the green girl's slip in tongue was not lost on him. He had sounded like Frex. So much like him that Elphaba, for a moment, had mistaken him as her father.

Elphaba opened her eyes, not remembering when she had closed them, and simply looked at Fiyero in horror. "I'm turning you into him," she whispered in horror. "My failures are turning you into a monster."

Fiyero shook his head, too shocked by his own reaction and anger, to find any words to say. He sat down besides Elphaba and she stiffened as he held her hand. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I shouldn't have reacted like that."

"Don't apologize," Elphaba muttered. "Don't apologize for the truth. You can't be near me. I'm corrupting you."

"You're not corrupting me."

"Yes I am!" Elphaba pulled her hand from Fiyero's grasp and stood up. She started pacing again. "I'm corrupting you just as I corrupted my father! He's a monster because… because of my failures! My… my ineptness! He's a monster because I made him into one! Because I was such a… a troubled and horrible daughter that he had no choice but to become a monster to keep me in control! If I had… had only been better! If I had only listened! If I had only tried harder! He wouldn't have had to hit me! To beat me or rape me to keep me in control! If I had just done as I was told I wouldn't have been hurt! Everything that happened to me was just… just my fault!"

Fiyero stood up and grabbed Elphaba's wrist. He pulled her close to him and held her body against his so that she could not continue her frantic pacing. "It wasn't your fault," he said as he felt her chest heaving against his as she was beginning to hyperventilate. "It wasn't you're fault," he repeated.

Elphaba tried to pull away but she could not. Her vision began to blur from the lack of oxygen she was inhaling. "Yes it was," she choked out. "And you cannot convince me otherwise!"

"It wasn't your fault," Fiyero continued to say as he held the weak and struggling green body close to his. "It wasn't your fault and you know that!"

"Yes it was!" She managed to break free of Fiyero's grasp and stumble backwards a few feet. "It was my fault! Everything was… and has been… _my_ fault! If I had… had only been stronger, more able to fight back, Avaric would not have been able to rape me! If I could only cope better I would not be so… so dependent on drugs and alcohol! If I had only been more prepared, more able to think clearly, I would not have molested Glinda! I would not have killed my children or… or yours! I would not be a… a molester! Or a murderer! Or a whore! If I… if I was only… better. Just… just better..." Her voice began to trail off into a mumbling whisper that was barely audible. "If I had just been… been better…"

She collapsed to her knees and buried her head in her hands. For the second time in the day she broke into uncontrollable sobs that burnt her skin terribly and left her in so much emotional and physical pain that she could barely function. Fiyero scooped up her lithe and trembling frame and laid her on her bed where Glinda pulled the sheets over her. She was handed the still-wet towel and she once again pressed it against her face in desperation. Her breaths came in hiccupping gasps as she desperately tried to inhale through her sobs and the lump of grief and guilt that had lodged itself in the back of her throat.

She curled up on her side where she stared at the wall and her back faced her friends. Glinda climbed on to the bed so that she sat with her back against the wall and her legs crossed underneath her. She reached out and gently grabbed Elphaba's hand in reassurance. Fiyero sat himself on the edge of the bed and began to gently rub calming circles over Elphaba's back again. "It wasn't your fault," he whispered.

Elphaba didn't respond. Not because she did not have anything to say but because she could not find her voice. She squeezed Glinda's hand as if the blonde was her only remaining connection to reality. Her other hand still pressed the towel against her face even though it did little to help still the burning tears that she could not control.

"Just hold on," Glinda said. "Soon you will see the Wizard and be free of this place."

Elphaba nodded. "I cannot wait for that day," she choked out. "And… and this time I will not miss it. This time… this time I will be more than just the green freak."

Glinda smiled. "Be strong," she whispered. "I know you can prove yourself."

"This time I'm going to show the world that I'm more than just the… the green freak."

"Yes you are."

"More than… more than a slut," Elphaba stammered out in a breathless whisper. "More than the green whore."


	136. The Pear

"_More than… more than a slut," Elphaba stammered out in a breathless whisper. "More than the green whore."_

--

**Chapter One Hundred Thirty-Six: The Pear**

She was eating a pear. Glinda stared at her as the green girl sat down across from her at the cafeteria table.

"What?" Elphaba asked as she noticed Glinda's questioning gaze.

"You're eating," the blonde stated in shock. "And it's not an… an apple."

"So?"

"I haven't seen you eat anything besides apples on your own accord in… in I don't know how long."

"Well… a person cannot live on just apples, now can they?" Elphaba replied with a smirk. "Besides, as much as I like them their taste gets repetitive after such a long time."

Glinda's jaw slackened in shock.

Elphaba took a large bite from the pear. "What?" she mumbled around the food in her mouth. She looked amused.

"You seem… well… happy," Glinda stammered.

Elphaba shrugged as she swallowed. "I'm finding that I have good days and bad days. Today is a good day."

Glinda smiled. "I'm glad."

"So am I," Elphaba said as she took another bite of the pear. "So am I."


	137. Of Distraction

"_So am I," Elphaba said as she took another bite of the pear. "So am I."_

--

**Chapter One Hundred Thirty-Seven: Of Distraction**

Her body stiffened at his touch. She kept her eyes trained on the ceiling as she laid, as stiff as a board, on the infirmary bed.

"I'm glad to see the circumcision is still intact," the official said as he stood up.

"You came earlier than you said you would," Elphaba stated, her tone emotionless and flat, as she stared at the ceiling. She closed her legs and slowly sat up to lay a piercing gaze on the official. "Why?" She smoothed out her dress.

"I had other business to see to near here and decided to pay a visit."

"What other business?"

"It is none of your concern."

Elphaba nodded and slowly stood up; testing the strength of her legs to find that though they shook they were able to hold her body weight. "If there is nothing more than I shall take my leave," Elphaba said.

"Very well."

The green girl bowed her head in respect – even though it was the last thing in the world she wanted to do – and quickly fled the infirmary. She tugged at her dress as she walked, trying to pull it lower to cover her shame as much as possible. She caught sight of Glinda and Fiyero. They were sitting with a group of peers; laughing and joking and full of a happiness that Elphaba did not dare intrude on. The green girl turned around before they could catch sight of her and retreated as far away from them as she could. She wrapped her arms around her body and soon found herself at the door to Nessa's room.

She did not knock – she simply entered.

Nessa looked up in surprise as Elphaba stepped into the threshold of her room. She sat at her desk, a text book opened and a notebook nearby. "Are… are you alright?" she asked as she stared at her green sister.

Elphaba chewed her bottom lip and shook her head slightly. Nessa did not know that the official had come today – no one did. It had been an unexpected visit and Elphaba had been shocked when Madame Morrible had taken her to the infirmary after the last class of the day.

"Do you want to help me study?" Nessa asked; her voice not uncaring.

Elphaba nodded as she pulled a chair from the corner and settled herself beside her sister. "I would very much like that," she whispered; welcoming the distraction that Nessa had, knowingly, offered her.


	138. Of Blood And Fits

_Elphaba nodded as she pulled a chair from the corner and settled herself beside her sister. "I would very much like that," she whispered; welcoming the distraction that Nessa had, knowingly, offered her._

--

**Chapter One Hundred Thirty-Eight: Of Blood And Fits**

"You're paying for my tuition, aren't you?" Elphaba asked.

Fiyero and Glinda both looked up from the books they were studying. The three friends sat at a small oak table, round in shape, in the library. "Why are you suddenly so concerned about such a thing?" Fiyero said as an answer, but not really one, to Elphaba's question.

"You two paid for me last year when my father was to have me pulled out. And I doubt he just changed his mind and decided to pay for me this year."

"It doesn't matter how your schooling is getting paid," Fiyero said. "Do not worry about it."

"I don't want to take your money away."

"Don't worry about it."

"But I am."

Fiyero sighed. "Look Elphaba, you're here, at this school, and your tuition is being paid for. Do not worry about it."

"I don't want to steal your money."

"You're not stealing anything," Glinda spoke up. "The people paying for you are doing it because they want too."

"It's you two, isn't it?" Elphaba frowned in frustration. "Just tell me, please."

"Don't worry about it," Fiyero said, again.

A sudden crash – from a student nearby falling off his chair and knocking over a small shelf of books – startled Elphaba. The sound seemed to echo around her and her head began to throb. She cried out as the intense pain shot out from the center of her brain to envelope her whole body. She stood up and took in a gasping breath – unaware that she had not been breathing for the last few moments – and stumbled backwards slightly.

Fiyero and Glinda were both standing in a moment. Elphaba shot out her hands to try and find something to steady herself but her reaching grasps were met with only air. She fell to the floor, her friends unable to reach her side in time, and struck the back of her head. She could taste bile and the familiar metallic taste of blood in her mouth as black dots exploded in her vision.

Her body tensed; then relaxed. Her hands and feet twitched and she found herself unable to move her head. She could only stare at the ceiling as her body was drained to a physical exhaustion so severe she could barely breathe. Then the small twitching turned into a terrible thrashing of her limbs that she could not control. Her chest felt constricted and she could not even find the strength to blink.

She heard shuffling around her – as if furniture or large objects were being moved around. Two faces appeared in her blurred vision but she could not focus her sight enough to place them. She heard a voice, just barely, but could not distinguish the words being spoken to her. She assumed what she was feeling was like being underwater; everything was so close yet seemed so far away. Sounds were dulled, sight blurred, smells all but gone, and she felt – in a way – like she was floating.

Her fit lasted for less than a minute but to Elphaba it seemed as if she was unable to control her body for hours. As her body began to calm down she came to realize why she was unable to move her head – someone was holding it still.

"Elphie?"

The green girl blinked a few times and a small groan escaped her throat. "Yes?" she choked out, still quite unsure of her surroundings.

There was a sigh of relief from above her and Elphaba let her eyes slide shut. As she calmed her senses began to return to her and she could hear frantic movement around her and muttered whispers of a small, scared crowd. She heard someone trying to keep people back but she could not place the voice.

She coughed; blood bubbling from her mouth and running down her chin and the sides of her face. Someone helped her roll on to her side and she curled her legs up to her chest and hugged them there. She could hardly breathe and the lack of oxygen was not improving her blurred vision.

"Elphaba?"

The green girl opened her eyes at the familiar male voice calling her name. "Fiyero?" she questioned, unable to see well enough to trust herself to identify him on sight alone.

"Do you know what happened?" he asked her. "Do you know why you're lying on the floor?"

She opened her mouth to speak but a choking lump of blood and bile replaced the words she had planned to say. It lodged in her throat and breathing became impossible as it completely blocked her airway.

The last thing she remembered before the darkness took her was Fiyero's worried face and a suffocating crowd of students surrounding around her.


	139. The Reason Behind The Blood

_The last thing she remembered before the darkness took her was Fiyero's worried face and a suffocating crowd of students surrounding around her._

--

**Chapter One Hundred Thirty-Nine: The Reason Behind The Blood**

The nurse gently tucked the thin blanket around Elphaba's shivering form. "So she just, had a fit?" she asked, somewhat skeptical.

Fiyero frowned from where he stood at Elphaba's bedside. "Yes," he said; tired of all the questioning. He crossed his arms over his chest in frustration.

The nurse sighed and straightened up. She stared Fiyero down. "I want honest answers," she said.

"I am answering honestly!"

"A person does not simply have a physical fit in the middle of a library." The nurse sounded exasperated. "There must be a reason, some sort of catalyst for such a thing to occur."

"She's had them before," Glinda quietly whispered from her seat a few feet away. "It's not new."

"I know that," the nurse crossly replied. "We do keep records of the students here."

"So I would hope."

The nurse rolled her eyes and returned her attention to Fiyero. "Has she been ill of late?" she asked.

"What do you mean?"

She sighed and this time did not veil her question as she asked; "Have you noticed her vomiting with an unusual amount of frequency?"

Fiyero looked horrified for just a moment before he could manage to compose himself. "No," he answered, sounding angry for some reason he could not identify.

"Yes."

The nurse and Fiyero faced Glinda in shock at her quiet word. "She does?" Fiyero asked – obviously concerned.

"She tries to hide it… and apparently she managed to from you Fiyero… but she gets ill practically every time she eats. Not that she eats often to begin with."

Fiyero was shocked, horrified, and a little scared at what Glinda had said. "And you didn't think this was important to confront her with?"

"There was never any indication that she does it on purpose," the blonde replied with a shrug. "I always just assumed that she simply has a problem holding food down after all that she has done to her body with the drugs and the alcohol."

"You should never assume anything with her!" Fiyero suddenly screamed. "She has been harming herself on purpose and even though you knew you did nothing to stop it!"

"Don't yell," the nurse chided Fiyero. "This is an infirmary, keep your voice down."

"But –"

"Miss Glinda is right," the nurse interrupted. "If there was no indication of the vomiting being self-induced then it most likely wasn't. She probably cannot stomach much food anymore."

Fiyero shook his head in disbelief but did not voice his argument for he knew that he didn't really have much of an argument to begin with. "What does this have to do with Elphaba's fits anyways?"

The nurse shrugged. "I cannot say if there is any connection between the two but it does explain why she was coughing up blood."

"Please… tell us." Fiyero's voice was laced with sarcasm as he was beginning to lose his patience.

"In human stomachs there is a liquid that is very powerful. It helps us to breakdown the food we digest so that our bodies' can use it for fuel. Now, the stomach has a mucus lining that helps protect it from its own burning liquid but the esophagus – or the throat – does not. When someone vomits on a regular basis the burning liquid comes up with the food. It can permanently damage the throat and cause it to bleed."

"And Elphaba has this damage?"

"I believe she does. And I also believe the fit she had in the library aggravated the damage to her throat and is what caused her to bleed afterwards."

"But you have no idea what caused the fit in the first place?"

The nurse shook her head. "I can only assume that it is some lingering effects of her drug and alcohol abuse but I cannot say for certain. You did the right thing by clearing the area around her and trying to protect her head and neck."

"There's nothing you can do to stop them?"

"No… but there is something we can give her to help heal the damage done to her throat but she must try to stop the persistent vomiting or else the damage will return."

Fiyero nodded and the nurse, realizing that her presence was no longer required or welcomed, quietly left the two friends alone with the unconscious green girl.

"You're right," Glinda whispered.

Fiyero turned to lay a questioning gaze on her. "About what?"

"She could be doing it on purpose." Glinda had her elbow on the armrest of the chair and her chin was balanced in her hand. She stared at the ground. "I never even thought about that."

"Another way to harm herself that is easy to hide."

"I can't believe you never noticed," Glinda muttered. "I thought it was obvious."

"You live in the same dorm room as her! Of course you would notice such a thing!"

"Are we going to confront her about this?"

"We have to. She needs to know that we know about this… habit of hers."

"I never said that I knew she was doing it on purpose. I'm just saying that she might be."

"Then we'll ask her."

"And you think she'll tell us the truth?"

Fiyero smiled, just slightly. "Yes."

"And why would you think that?" Glinda looked up to finally meet Fiyero's gaze. "Why do you think that this time will be different? That this time she'll tell us the truth?"

"Because she has hope."

"Hope?"

"When you have hope there's less to lose by telling the truth."

Glinda opened her mouth to reply but a small groan from the bed distracted her. She stood up and moved to stand beside Fiyero. Together they watched the green form of their friend as she slowly regained consciousness.

"Elphie?" Glinda asked tentatively.

"Nicely met Glinda," Elphaba replied but she did not open her eyes. Her head ached and she felt entirely exhausted – as if all her physical energy had been drained from her.

"How are you feeling?"

"Tired."

Glinda looked to Fiyero for support and the Vinkus prince gently took the blonde's hand in his own. "Elphaba," he began. "There's something we want to ask you."

Elphaba frowned and slowly opened her eyes. The light blinded her for a moment but a few blinks resolved that issue. "What?" she asked as she slowly sat up so that her back rested against the wall. She studied the concerned faces of her two friends and Glinda dropped her eyes to the ground as she was unable to bear Elphaba's scrutiny.

"The nurses told us that sometimes people who get sick… as in vomit… often can… well… the stomach has a burning liquid in it to digest food but the stomach also has a mucus layer to protect itself from the liquid. The… the throat doesn't. So people who are sick often can… permanently damage their throats. And sometimes physical fits can aggravate such damage and cause bleeding." He fell silent; hoping Elphaba would take the hint and confess.

She did not. Instead Elphaba watched Fiyero intently. He looked nervous. "There's more," she said.

"You vomit, a lot."

"Not a lot."

"More than any average person."

"Food has never settled well with me."

Fiyero closed his eyes for a moment; seemed to be trying to compose himself. He opened his eyes and stared at Elphaba – willing her to tell him the truth. "Do you vomit on purpose?"

Elphaba opened her mouth; meaning to deny Fiyero's accusation but something tugged inside of her. She frowned and dropped her eyes to stare at her lap. She stayed silent for what seemed like hours but could not have been longer than a few minutes.

"Not always," she finally whispered. It was a confession but a veiled one – the only kind she could bring herself to utter.

Fiyero let out a heavy sigh. Glinda choked back a sob. Elphaba watched her hands play with the folds of the blanket. Time carried on; oblivious to the turmoil emotions of the three friends.

"It's not healthy," Fiyero finally uttered.

Elphaba nodded. "I know."

"Yet you still –"

"No one ever stopped me," Elphaba interrupted. "And I thought, for a while, that you two had stopped caring."

"Elpha –"

Elphaba once again interrupted Fiyero. "I knew, logically, that you hadn't. I just… because you never did anything… and I thought Glinda knew… and… I hope you had stopped caring… but then I didn't… and I wanted you to notice… but then I didn't… and I should have told you… I meant to tell you… but it's so… and I didn't know how to approach it… and it's not normal… and it's disgusting… I mean… it smells… and it… I didn't like doing it… and it hurt… but it felt like… I was emptying everything out… riding myself of the filth and the shame and… and the feeling of all those men… and it… it's such a dirty act but it made me… made me feel clean… in a way…" Elphaba's nonsensical ramblings trailed off into silence. Her breathing was steadily become rapid and shallow – near hyperventilating.

"You need to stop."

Elphaba nodded at Fiyero's words. She had never imagined the act could be so dangerous but now she knew. Now she knew that the self-induced vomiting was hurting her; would slowly kill her.

"Vomiting isn't going to replace the cutting," Glinda whispered.

Elphaba looked up at the blonde's words to find herself staring into wide, terrified blue eyes. "I know."

"The cutting, the bleeding, it made you feel empty afterwards too, didn't it?" Glinda asked. Elphaba nodded and the blonde continued; "But eventually it stopped working, eventually all the bleeding in the world couldn't bleed out the pain. And the… the vomiting is going to end up just the same. It works now but… but it won't later. And then you'll do it more because you'll be desperate for it to work. And then it will become too much for your body to handle and you'll start to bleed except this time it won't stop! And you'll just bleed and bleed and bleed out all the life within you! And it won't hurt anymore because then you'll be _dead_!"

The blonde tore her eyes from Elphaba and buried herself into Fiyero's chest. Her tears soaked his shirt and her frantic emotions caused her to sob uncontrollably.

Elphaba leaned forward and grabbed a pale hand in her own. Glinda sniffled and turned her head to look at her green friend.

"You're right," Elphaba replied. "You're right and I'm going to stop. I promise you that."

"Promise?" Glinda sounded skeptical. The green girl never made a promise unless she knew that she would be able to hold to it.

"Yes." Elphaba smiled. "A promise."


	140. A Sign

_"Yes." Elphaba smiled. "A promise."_

--

**Chapter One Hundred Forty: A Sign**

She kneeled over the commode, her hands clenching the sides of the porcelain bowl for support, as her body dry-heaved and blood poured from the injuries in her throat. The nurses had released Elphaba with a bottle of some sort of medical mixture they had concocted that she was supposed to drink every morning and night. It tasted bitter and was so thick that the green girl could barely even swallow it and every time she did it burned like fire and sent her running to the bathroom to expel the blood and bile that it forced from her.

She found it ironic that the medicine meant to heal her wounded throat was causing her to do the very act – vomit – that had injured it in the first place.

She leaned back slightly and wiped her mouth clean with a small cloth. Her body trembled from the effort it had taken her to vomit and she felt weak, drained.

"You're not getting better," Glinda said from where she stood at the doorway to the bathroom.

Elphaba looked up. "It takes time to heal," she replied; the deeper meaning behind her words not lost on the blonde.

Glinda's expression was sad as she watched Elphaba's shaking form crouched on the tiled floor. "Are you okay?" she asked.

"I'll be fine."

"I didn't ask if you'd be fine, I asked if you were okay _right now_."

Elphaba dropped her gaze to the floor. "I'll be fine," she repeated.

"You're not talking, you're pushing us away," Glinda whispered in concern.

"I told you about the… the vomiting."

"I know. And I'm glad. But… but I still feel as if your hiding something… as if you're not telling us the whole truth. You're being distant and I think I know why."

Elphaba stood up in sudden anger. "Pray, tell me why then! If you seem to know me so well then tell me why I do the things I do because I surely do not know why!"

"Because the more distant you are the easier it is to hide what you're doing. The more distant you are the harder it is for us to watch you. It started before with you being distant. I'm… I'm worried. Fiyero and I both are."

"I'm not doing drugs!" Elphaba snapped out, furious that Glinda would even accuse her of such a thing anymore. "I swear to you! I… I promise to you that I'm not!"

"Drinking?"

Elphaba's voice lost its anger as she responded. "A little," she muttered.

"And the… the self-harm?"

Elphaba averted her eyes to the ground and did not respond. Glinda took a green hand in her own and gently pushed up the sleeve of Elphaba's dress to reveal a scarred arm. Fresh wounds marred the skin, no more than a day or two old, and would soon become scars to layer over the scars already staining the green skin.

"It's hard to give everything up at once," Elphaba whispered.

"Yet one leads easily to all the others."

"It's a risk I'm willing to take."

"You're depending on will power and playing with your life," Glinda said. "I don't think you should be taking that risk."

"I cannot give everything up!" Elphaba shuddered and tried to pull her arm free of Glinda's grasp but the blonde would not let go of her. "How can you expect me to cope with nothing to ease the pain!"

"You don't need to yell to get your opinion across to me," Glinda said calmly. "It's unnecessary."

Elphaba fell silent for a few moments. She swallowed back the blood that had pooled in her mouth. "I'm sorry," she mumbled as she kept her eyes trained on the floor. "I didn't mean to raise my voice. I just get… upset sometimes."

"I know."

Elphaba raised her eyes to look at herself in the mirror for just the briefest of moments before sucking in a breath in horror at her reflection and returning her gaze to the floor. "How did I end up like this?" she whispered. "Where did it all go wrong? When did… when did it get so… out of control?"

Glinda shrugged. "I don't think there was any particular moment, any big event to send you spiraling down like this. I think everything just piled on top of itself."

"It was this school." Elphaba pulled her hand free from Glinda's hold and left the bathroom. She pulled the sleeve of her dress down to cover her arm as she sat herself down on her bed.

"What do you mean?" Glinda asked as she sat beside her friend.

Elphaba twisted her hands together and stared at her lap. "This school," she said, trying to find the words to explain the turbulent thoughts swirling in her head. "These… these students. Their taunting and bullying and constant… hatred towards me. I thought that the older I became the more accepting the people around me would be but it seems that I was just… wrong. They tore that hope from me. And that… _hurt_."

"Oh Elphie…"

"It hurt so damn much!" Elphaba stood up; began pacing. "And that was the last straw! I see it now! I… I recognize why it all went so terribly wrong!" She stopped pacing and stared at Glinda, a sense of conviction and – was it relief? – in her eyes. "I've always lived with a thread of hope that things would get better! My whole life… all the suffering at my father's hands and the cruel playmates of my childhood… would be meaningless when I left home! I lived with a hope that the people outside of Munchkinland would accept me! I lived with a hope that the students at Shiz would be more mature, more welcoming of my verdigris than anyone else I had met so far! But when I… when I got here…" Her voice began to tremble but she did not break her eye contact with Glinda. "They tore that hope from," she finished, "and there was no longer anything there for me to pitifully grasp on to. _Nothing_!"

"The world will always turn away from you at first sight," Glinda said quietly; afraid that her words were too truthful, too hurtful for Elphaba to bear hearing at the present moment. "But when people get to know you they will see that you are not a freak, not a wicked being. You just have to… to be persistent with them."

Elphaba seemed to ignore Glinda as she started pacing again. Perhaps the truth of what her future would hold, how she would always be struggling to break down people's perception of her, was simply too much for her to handle. "It came crumbling down when I realized that," Elphaba muttered. She realized that she was beginning to ramble but she could not stop the words that tumbled from her mouth. "All my strength, all the walls I built up around myself, came crashing down. There was no hope, no future that I could see, so why should I bother pretending to be alright? I was… I was screaming for help without knowing it. I was… was begging for someone to care!"

"And you found some people that do care," Glinda whispered.

Elphaba stopped pacing, again, and hugged her arms around herself. Her back faced Glinda and when she spoke her voice was so quiet that she wondered if the blonde could even hear her. "And that hurt just the same because… because then all I did to make the pain go away just caused you pain. I passed my pain on to you and that was… was wrong of me."

"I would bear all the pain you hold if it would make you happy, truly happy, for just a moment," Glinda said; her response telling Elphaba that the blonde had clearly heard her.

"I don't want to put that on you."

Glinda stood up; took a green hand in her own. Elphaba turned her head to look at the blonde. "But you can't bear the pain yourself," Glinda whispered. "It's killing you."

"No one needs to bear it," Elphaba responded with a small, almost hopeful, smile. She dropped her head slightly so that her hair fell forward to cover most of her face. "Because now that I know why it doesn't seem to be so strong. Others ignorance towards me is nothing that I can control so there's no use holding on to the pain that it brings me. If they tear my hope from me then so be it… I'll find hope from my friends. That is, if you're willing to spare a little for me."

Glinda nearly cried in happiness and relief at Elphaba's words but instead she took her green friend in a large embrace. Elphaba instinctively stiffened at the close touch but soon relaxed into Glinda's hold. She even returned the embrace.

To them both it seemed like a sign. A sign that just maybe, this time, it was going to be okay.


	141. The Accident

**_Author's Note: _**_Double update today because I felt bad just leaving you with the cliff-hanger at the end of this chapter. Hope you enjoy! _

--

_To them both it seemed like a sign. A sign that just maybe, this time, it was going to be okay._

--

**Chapter One Hundred Forty-One: The Accident**

It wasn't okay. The bitter truth struck Elphaba like a slap across the face – like one of her father's biting insults. The hope for her future, for her recovery and happiness, had dissipated as quickly as it had come. Though she now knew, could pinpoint, when it had all become too much for her to bear there was little that could be done to lessen the pain at the loss of her hope. It was as if a part of her was simply gone – stolen by the cruel taunts of the students around her.

She felt, somehow, as if she was not whole. And it was not the lack of any defining womanly features that brought such an aching emptiness upon her. She was missing something. Something not entirely physical but no matter how hard she thought – how long she was lost to the world as she desperately searched her mind – no answer could come to her.

There was no epiphany. No flash of light or momentary vision to clear her path.

So she stayed in bed. For nearly a week she allowed herself to succumb to her desire to simply sleep away all her pain and suffering with Malky lying by her side. To pretend, for just a moment, that she was not hurting.

To Fiyero it was as if she had slipped into one of the despairing phases she had spoken of; one of the phases that she had so often suffered through as a child. Now he and Glinda were watching, helplessly, as she refused to face the world. Fiyero imagined that they were feeling much the same that Frex had felt as a father unable to get his hurting daughter to talk to him. The frustration was suffocating and Fiyero thought that perhaps he understood, to some small extent, why Frex had simply given up on trying to help his stubborn daughter.

Fiyero, however, was determined to not give up. He knew that he and Glinda did not have the tools required to give Elphaba the help she so desperately needed but until the green girl found what she was searching for they would be there to pick her up when she stumbled.

And right now the green girl was facing a massive wall that she needed to climb over. She was clawing at it; scratching and kicking and desperate to get over it and she was almost there but she needed _something_. Something, or someone, to help her get over the last few feet and meet her future – however scary and turbulent and hard it would be – head on.

And it was with that thought that Fiyero, fed up and knowing that Elphaba could not just lie in bed and sleep away her life, made a decision. He grabbed brown bedding and quite literally threw the sheets off of Elphaba's curled up form – Malky started and jumped on to Glinda's vanity. "Get up," Fiyero stated; his voice commanding and with no room for argument.

Elphaba slowly rolled over so that she faced Fiyero. Glinda stood behind him, her face reflecting her shock, and the blonde looked horrified that her boyfriend was being so forceful towards their green friend.

"Give me back my bedding," Elphaba snapped out, her tone harsh and her voice reflecting her anger.

"You've laid in bed for long enough," Fiyero said. "And it's time you got up and faced the world again. I know it hurts but that's what we're here for. And besides, the longer you ignore everything that harder it will be to deal with when you eventually do get around to facing it."

"This isn't like you," Elphaba said; honestly confused.

"And it's not like you to give in like this!"

Elphaba frowned but did not protest. She closed her eyes and seemed to be making some great decision. "I don't want to," she muttered.

"You cannot hide away forever."

"But perhaps for just a little bit longer?"

"No." His word was final and Elphaba knew that she was not going to be able to manipulate her way out of whatever plans he had for her.

She slowly sat up; letting her legs hang off the edge of the bed but not quite ready to stand yet. A large smile spread across Glinda's face and the blonde quickly turned to the closet where she pulled out Elphaba's black frock.

The green girl took it but held it hesitantly. It was clear that she did not want to get dressed for she did not want to leave the room. Glinda took her hand, not unkindly, and led Elphaba to the bathroom. No words were spoken as the green girl changed behind the safety of the shut door but after more time passed then was necessary for one to change clothes Glinda knocked gently on the door. "Elphie?"

Elphaba opened the door and the despair in her eyes nearly made the blonde cry. "What's wrong?" Glinda asked.

"When did I become so ugly?"

Glinda gasped at the self-hated and disgust – and was that fear? – in Elphaba's voice. The green girl seemed to be pleading for an answer; an explanation.

"You're not ugly," Glinda quietly said.

Elphaba shook her head and brushed passed the blonde. She began to pace; green hands wringing together in her customary fashion. "I'm not under any false allusions… I know I've never been beautiful. But… but when did I become so… so thin? So frail? When did I get such dark circles under my eyes? When did my skin garner this sickly yellow hue? When did I become so unbearably ugly!"

Glinda and Fiyero stared at Elphaba in shock as the green girl's words slowly sunk in. Fiyero took a hold of a green hand and stilled Elphaba's frantic pacing. "You're not ugly," he said. "And I don't want to hear you talk about yourself in such a way again."

Elphaba shook his grasp from her. "Never mind," she muttered. "Let's just go and get this horrid day out of the way."

"I don't mean to make your day horrid."

Flashing brown eyes landed on Fiyero. "But you are! Can't you see that all I want is to sleep! Can't you see that all I want is to stay in bed and let it all fade away!"

"This is all just a phase," Fiyero calmly interrupted Elphaba's shrieking. "Don't you see? It's like your childhood again. You have to pick yourself up and just push your way through."

"But I don't want to!" Elphaba mentally chided herself for how utterly childish she sounded. She cursed the whining tone of her voice and the weakness she was unable to hide but she could not find it within herself to pretend to be strong. She was simply too tired for such a thing.

"Elphaba… you have to –"

"Follow me," Elphaba snapped out. She turned on her heel and made for the door. "Perhaps you will be able to understand better if you see," she muttered, more to herself than to her friends.

"Elphaba, what are you talking about?" Fiyero asked in concern but the green girl did not reply. Instead she simply left the dorm room and Fiyero and Glinda had no choice but to follow her if they had any hopes of getting some sort of answer to her strange behaviour.

When she reached her destination she stood in front of the imposing door for a few long minutes in silence. "Elphaba?" Glinda quietly asked. She sounded worried. "What's going on? Why did you bring us to this old classroom?" Elphaba did not respond; she just opened the door.

The last time she had been in this classroom it had been dusk; she had been cleaning. The time before she had been in a drug-induced unconsciousness; a sexual toy for an unknown amount of men to seek their thrill with.

She had never before seen it in the light of day. It was large, easily meant to seat fifty or more students, but the desks had long ago been removed. Elphaba could not see any reason for the classroom to be abandoned as it was.

It still stank of blood and fluid.

Elphaba slowly made her way to the far corner. She grabbed the edge of a stained, torn blanket meant to hide what was under it from anyone's prying eyes. Glinda and Fiyero followed, hesitantly, behind her in confused silence.

_You look pretty with white skin._

The words slammed into Elphaba's mind. Her body wavered from the physical exhaustion the offensive memory left her with. "Avaric," she muttered; her voice barely audible.

_Be strong. Today is the present. He was yesterday. He was in the past. Be strong._

She ripped the blanket away and let it fall, limply, to the floor. The objects she had never really looked at, the objects covered in her dried blood, now laid bare for all to see. She stared at them, refusing to let her eyes waver, and felt her shame colouring her cheeks a deep green colour.

"Elphie… what… what are these? What is the meaning of this?" Glinda whispered in a mix of shock, horror, and utter confusion.

Fiyero – having been the one to help Elphaba after the torment she had endured in this abandoned classroom – needed no explanation. He knew whose blood stained the objects; he knew what they had been used for and where they had been.

He knew the meaning behind Elphaba's action and smiled at the strength the green girl was showing by simply being here and facing the painful memory – or lack thereof.

Fiyero gently slid his hand into Elphaba's and she grasped on to it for dear life – for some sense of reality and reassurance. Glinda slowly stepped forward; picking up a small vase that was cracked down its side. She didn't realize that she was touching Elphaba's own blood and the dried fluid from many men. She didn't put the pieces together to understand that these objects piled in front of her had been inside of her green friend.

Fiyero himself knew only because Elphaba had, in her anger and despair, told him.

"Put it down," Elphaba ordered, but her voice was quiet and weak. Glinda nodded and the vase was replaced in the pile – she turned questioning eyes towards her friend, pleading for an explanation. "They were inside of me," Elphaba muttered, letting her eyes slid shut to block out the sight before her. "All those objects… that's my blood on them. That's… those men's fluids staining them. Fluids that were in me first."

Glinda look horrified but Elphaba did not notice for her eyes remained closed. Her hand clenched around Fiyero's even harder as she tried to prepare herself for the onslaught of angry words that she knew her next confession would bring from her blonde friend.

"The only other thing inside of me before the circumcision was… Fiyero."

Silence. Elphaba braved to open her eyes and face the blonde's fury. Glinda looked hurt; her face fallen and tears shining, unshed, in her eyes. Fiyero stiffened beside Elphaba.

"Why did you tell me?" Glinda practically whimpered. "I didn't want to know."

"You already did."

"I didn't want to hear it from you! I never wanted to hear those words!"

"But you had to!" Elphaba let go of Fiyero's hand and stepped forward. "You cannot live your life on a lie!"

"You do!"

"And look at me!"

Shock. It filled the silence of the room and for a few moments no one could find their voices. It was Glinda who spoke first; her voice loud and high-pitched. "You told me you would never do anything! You told me you loved him but… but would never act on it! How could you! Both of you! Betraying me like that! How could you!"

"It wasn't his fau–"

"It was as much his fault as yours!" Glinda interrupted.

"Listen to me!" Elphaba tried to get closer to the blonde but Glinda backed away from her, tripping over a small object that had fallen from its place and almost stumbling right into the pile of them all.

"The first time –"

"It happened more than once!" Glinda shrieked. "What kind of love affair –"

"It was only twice!" Elphaba snapped out. "And the first time I tricked him with drugs!"

"You made him take drugs!" Glinda was horrified. "Why would you do that!"

"She wasn't thinking straight!" Fiyero interrupted them. "She was distraught and desperate and not of her right mind!"

"Don't try to make excuses!"

"Please Glinda… just try to listen," Elphaba pleaded; not caring how weak or pathetic she sounded. "I tricked Fiyero both times. The first with the drugs and the second with… with… well… with…" She trailed off, unable to find the words to explain exactly how she had managed to seduce Fiyero the second time.

"With what!" Glinda screamed. "If you're going to make excuses at least try to make ones that make sense!"

"I appealed to his… male side," Elphaba murmured. "And guilted him into it. I knew it would be the… the last time I ever could and I just didn't want my only memories of… well… of sex… to be terrible or drug-induced. It was right before the circumcision and I just… wanted a memory of the act that wasn't so horrible. Is that so terrible?"

"You used me," Fiyero whispered in both surprise and anger. "You used me to fulfill some strange need of yours. Some desperation to replace all the horrible memories you have of being bedded by your father, the men you paid, Avaric, and all those boys from this very room that you cannot remember."

Elphaba whirled around to face Fiyero. "No!" She protested. "I did no such thing! I would never use you! I really do love you!"

"But you've never wanted a relationship with me."

"Because you're supposed to love Glinda!" Elphaba grabbed his arm, squeezed it far too hard. "You have to love her!" She shrieked. "You _must_ love her!"

"Don't tell me –"

"Don't tell him –"

Fiyero and Glinda fell silent as they both realized they were saying the same thing. "Don't tell me what to do," Fiyero finished in a small whisper.

The silence that enveloped them was suffocating; crushing. Elphaba could hardly breathe as she turned to face the small pile of objects. She kicked one of them, knocking it loose and it rolled towards her. She bent down and picked it up. It was a glass beaker, used for mixing chemicals in class experiments, and inside of it was a thick, dried, disgusting smelling layer of her own blood. The outside of it was stained with the same red substance.

She felt it before it happened; a choking lump that began in the pit of stomach and spread throughout her body. The beaker she held shattered and the broken glass flew everywhere. The pieces imbedded in her hand, in her arms, and sliced a multitude of small wounds over her face. The dried blood seemed to turn into a strange dust-like substance that sprayed against her and stained her clothes, hair, and face.

She stared at the hand that had, moments ago, held the beaker. She pulled out one of the shards of glass that had imbedded itself in her palm and watched the blood drip to the floor. She could feel it on her face; tracing red paths down green skin.

"Elphie?"

The green girl cocked her head at the terrified tone of Glinda's voice and laid piercing eyes on the blonde. "Yes?" she asked quietly; feeling as if she was not entirely there. As if this was some great nightmare she would wake up from.

But she knew it wasn't.

"Elphie… please… the… the pile." She pointed a pale finger at the pile of blood-stained objects. "Can't you make it stop?"

Elphaba followed Glinda's pointing hand to stare at the pile she had created almost just over a week ago. The objects were shaking violently, some of them even spinning, and she could hear the audible sound of cracking glass and splintering wood.

"Elphaba…" Fiyero grabbed her hand but the green girl jerked away from his presence.

"Don't touch me!" she screamed and one of the objects flew from its place in the pile. It struck the Vinkus prince just behind the ear and shattered.

The room spun around Fiyero and he stumbled backwards, falling to his knees. He raised one hand to the long gash that now ran from just behind his ear to his hairline. Blood soon coated his hand, his hair, and the floor. He stared up at Elphaba but she was just a blurred green form before him.

His eyes rolled into the back of his head and he fell unconscious; his body becoming a crumpled heap on the floor. Blood pooled in a puddle around his head and Elphaba stared in horror.

"Fiyero!" Glinda was at his side in a moment, kneeling down on the floor. "Elphie! What do we do? He's bleeding!"

The blood swam in Elphaba's vision; it was all she could see. Her breath hitched in her throat and her body trembled violently. She took a few shaking steps forward and fell to her knees at Fiyero's side. "I didn't mean… it shouldn't… I never…" she stammered out. A green hand came up to gently push blood-stained hair away from the wound on his head. "I'm so sorry!" She could feel tears pooling in her eyes but she swallowed them back. The force it took her not to cry made her head ache.

"Elphie!"

"Get a nurse!" Elphaba snapped out. "I can't do anything!"

"You must be able to do something!"

"I can't!"

"You hurt him!" Glinda was furious. "Now save him!"

"I can't!" Elphaba choked back a sob. "I'm so sorry but I… I can't do! I can't save him! I… I…" Her voice fell to a shaking whisper. "I can't even save myself. How could I save him?"

Glinda stood up and was gone in a flurry of blonde curls and pink fabric. Elphaba stared after her before dropping her gaze to Fiyero's bleeding form. Her hand, still resting lightly against his wounded head, was sticky with his blood. She brought it up to her face where she simply looked at it.

Something snapped inside of her. She shuffled backwards until her back hit the wall. She felt as if her heart was in her throat as she watched Fiyero's limp form. Blood still poured from his head and was trailing a path down the slightly sloped floor.

The sight of him blurred, swam, and was slowly enveloped in darkness. She could no longer see him; could no longer sense his presence. All that surrounded her was darkness and suffocating grief.

She could not believe that she had harmed Fiyero. She could not believe that she had been unable to control her magick and that her _talent_ had caused someone she loved so much guilt and grief sent her sprawling into a chasm of despair and insanity that removed her from reality. All of her emotions, all of her feelings had finally collided together in such a way that she had not been able to control her magick.

And it was her magick that had nearly killed Fiyero. That still could kill him. She did not know how much damage she had caused. She did not know how severe his head wound was.

She feared that he would die.

The fear was overwhelming and she could not cope with her guilt. She struggled to breathe as she let her emotions flow out of her. In her fragile state her mind could not handle the reality of what she had done to Fiyero.

She heard sounds; running feet and desperate voices. She closed her eyes – not that it mattered for her eyes seemed no longer able to function – and tried to block out the people around her. Someone called her name but she jerked away from the sound of the voice. She hugged her legs to her chest and buried her head in her knees. She tried to block out everyone by shrinking further into herself. She welcomed the numbness that she was feeling, the complete lack of thoughts. Her mind became utterly empty of anything, filled with only darkness. It was comforting, relaxing. She could no longer recall anything. She had no memories of her life, of herself, of anyone she knew.

She was nothing.

Someone shook her, violently. And she groaned in response. They took her hand, wrapped an arm around her shoulders, and pulled her up. She did not open her eyes and let the person lead them where they wanted her to go. She didn't care who it was, she didn't care where she was going.

At that moment she was a murderer. To her, nothing mattered anymore.


	142. The Friendship

_At that moment she was a murderer. To her, nothing mattered anymore._

--

**Chapter One Hundred Forty-Two: The Friendship**

"We go to see the Wizard in four days."

Elphaba did not reply to Glinda's words. She did not even acknowledge that the blonde had spoken. She sat by the window of the infirmary; her elbow resting on the ledge and her chin held in her hand. She stared outside but wasn't really registering what she was seeing. She had not moved since she had sat down last night and she had not spoken a word since Fiyero's injury.

Glinda was afraid for her.

"Elphie?"

The green girl slowly turned her head to face the blonde but she did not speak. Her brown eyes caught sight of Fiyero's unconscious body on the infirmary bed and she had to quickly turn away to keep her emotions in check.

The blonde sighed. "Please Elphie… talk to me."

Elphaba stayed silent. She simply stared out the window and tried to block out her emotions. But as hard as she tried the guilt still squeezed her heart and no matter what she did the grief choked her voice from her.

Fiyero could die and it would be her fault if he did.

"My fault."

The whispered words shocked both girls and Elphaba shuddered as the guilt tore at her. She wanted to scream, to cry, to drink, to cut, to vomit – anything. But she could do nothing. So she clamped her mouth shut and stared outside. She swallowed away the bile tickling the back of her throat and struggled to keep her tears at bay.

"It was an accident," Glinda said.

Elphaba shook her head; far more violently than necessary. She opened her mouth to deny Glinda's words but her voice failed her as it was replaced by a barely suppressed sob.

Glinda stood up from her own seat and made her way to Elphaba's side. She laid a hand on Elphaba's shoulder and a green hand came up to grasp Glinda's pale one in desperation. "I'm so sorry," Elphaba choked out.

"I know."

Elphaba shook her head again. "Not just for hurting him but for… for betraying you. For… for having se –"

"Don't," Glinda snapped out. "Just don't."

"You cannot pretend it never –"

"Don't!"

Elphaba fell silent; the hand that held Glinda's was shaking. She stared outside. "I'm not going," she muttered.

Glinda looked down at Elphaba and frowned. "To where?"

"To see the Wizard. I… don't deserve it. Not after this."

"Elphie…"

"Don't say I do."

"It was an accident."

Elphaba fell silent, again, and spoke no more. Glinda returned to her chair where she grabbed it and dragged it to her green friend's side. She sat down and took Elphaba's hand in her own.

Neither spoke; choosing, instead, to stare out the window and find comfort in the silence of their cracking friendship.


	143. Of Healing And Truth

_Neither spoke; choosing, instead, to stare out the window and find comfort in the silence of their cracking friendship._

--

**Chapter One Hundred Forty-Three: Of Healing And Truth**

When Fiyero woke both Glinda and Elphaba were sleeping, slumped, in their chairs. He smiled slightly as he slowly sat up. His head throbbed and his vision spun but after a few minutes of being awake those issues cleared up on their own.

The sound of Fiyero moving faintly registered in Glinda's sleeping mind and soon she too was awake. She blinked to clear the sleepiness from her eyes and broke out into a huge smile when she saw that her boyfriend was not only awake but seemingly very much fine.

"Fiyero!" she squealed and was by his side in a moment and grabbed his hand. Her high-pitched voice startled Elphaba and forced the green girl awake.

Elphaba, far more emotionally drained and physically exhausted, took almost two whole minutes to fully wake up and register the world around her. But when she did she stared at Fiyero in shock before a large smile found its way on to her face. She blinked rapidly, to hold back her tears, and slowly made her way to his bedside and stood beside Glinda.

"By the look of you two one would think I almost died."

Glinda let out a strangled laugh and wiped at her eyes to try and rid herself of her tears but she could not. Elphaba, seeing her blonde friend crying, had to turn her head to stare at the wall and swallow back her own sobs. "I hurt you," she muttered.

"You didn't mean to," Fiyero said; his face sobering at the sense of despair and guilt that radiated from Elphaba's green form. "It's okay."

Elphaba nodded and slowly turned to lay her eyes on Fiyero's form. She smiled through the grief and guilt that shined in her eyes. "I'm glad you're well," she whispered. "And I'm so sorry."

"It's okay. It was an accident."

"I'm still sorry."

"And I forgive you."

Glinda looked at her two friends and had to force away the nausea that developed in her stomach. She could see that they loved each other – she wasn't an idiot – but she steadily tried to ignore that fact. She suddenly left. Storming out of the infirmary and leaving behind a stunned Fiyero and a terribly confused Elphaba.

Fiyero made to get up, to follow his distraught girlfriend, but Elphaba put a hand on his shoulder and pushed him back against the bed. "You need to rest," she said. "I'll go after her. I'll see what's wrong."

"But –"

"It has to do with me anyways," Elphaba interrupted as she wiped the tears – before they could fall – from her eyes with the back of her sleeve. "I'll talk to her, don't worry about it."

"But –"

She placed her forefinger against his lips to silence him. "Don't worry about it," Elphaba repeated. "I'll deal with it. You rest."

"And if you can't?"

"I'll talk to you."

"Promise?"

"Promise." Elphaba smiled before leaving to find her blonde friend. It didn't take her long for Glinda was simply walking down the brick path that led from the infirmary. Her arms were crossed across her body and she was staring at the ground as she walked.

Elphaba grabbed her shoulder and turned her around. "What's wrong?" she asked. "Why did you leave like that?"

Glinda chewed on her lip and shook her head. "It's nothing," she whispered as she shrugged Elphaba's hand off of her.

"It's something. Please… tell me what's wrong."

The blonde sniffled but did not speak. She tried to keep walking but Elphaba grabbed her wrist and stopped her from leaving. "Is it something I did?"

Glinda stayed quiet but her silence was the only answer the green girl needed. "It's about Fiyero and I, isn't it?" Elphaba quietly asked.

Glinda suddenly buried her head into Elphaba's chest and clutched onto the fabric of her blouse in despair. She cried; choking sobs and a river of tears that soaked Elphaba's blouse and burnt the green skin beneath it. Elphaba did not mind though – she simply wrapped her arms around the blonde's shaking frame and held her tight.

"You said nothing would ever happen." Glinda's voice shook as she spoke and her words were muffled by Elphaba's shirt. "But something did happen! And in there, just now, I can see it! I'm not blind! He loves you! You made him love you! You stole him from me and you said that would never happen!"

"Glinda…"

"You betrayed me!"

"I know," Elphaba whispered directly into the blonde's ear. "And I'm so terribly sorry. I really, really am. And I promise that nothing will ever happen between him and I again."

"How can I trust you?"

"I don't know," Elphaba soberly replied. "I really don't know."

"He loves you."

"He loves the idea of being the one to fix me, nothing more."

Glinda looked up at Elphaba in surprise. She swallowed back her tears and simply stared at her green friend. "You really think so?" She sounded very skeptical.

"I would never let him love me. I don't want him, or anyone else, to have the full responsibility of me on their shoulders. It's too much to bear for any one person alone."

"You cannot bear it all yourself either."

"But I have a few friends to share the burden with, and that's all I need. But if I let Fiyero love me he would take the brunt of that and he would crumble under the responsibility, anyone would."

"Even you."

"Even me."

Glinda smiled through her tears. "You really… you won't –"

"It will _never_ happen again," Elphaba interrupted. "I promise."

Glinda nodded but a knot of doubt settled in her stomach. "He doesn't love me anymore."

"Yes he does… he just needs to remember how you make him feel. You two need time together without me interfering."

"You don't interfere."

"Even if I wasn't so much of a problem I would still interfere. You and Fiyero are dating and you're like any other couple – you need your time alone."

"You're not a problem."

"Yes I am."

Glinda shook her head. "No you're not!"

"I'm whiny and dependent and I interfere with everyone's lives. And don't tell me I don't because I very well know that I do."

Glinda stared at Elphaba, her mouth open in shock, and could not find her voice to speak.

"What?" Elphaba asked, sounding cross.

"Will you ever be able to appreciate who you are?"

It was now Elphaba's turn to stare at her blonde friend. She raised a green hand to cover her opened mouth and turned her back to Glinda to try and hide the emotions she knew were playing across her face. She swallowed away the lump in her throat and bit back the tears that threatened to fall.

"Elphie?" Glinda lightly placed a hand on Elphaba's shoulder.

The green girl shuddered as she squeezed her eyes shut. She took a hold of Glinda's hand and pulled her blonde friend towards her and held her in a tight embrace. She could only imagine what people would say when they saw such a thing. There were already rumours running rampart of Glinda and Elphaba being far more than friends but the green girl couldn't find it within herself to care about such a trivial thing anymore.

She just wanted – needed – the blonde's friendship.


	144. Of Counting

**_Author's Note: _**_I fought with this chapter for quite awhile and I'm still not entirely happy with it (I think it jumps around too much) but the more I edit it the worse it seems to get so I just decided to say 'screw it' and just post it anyways. Also, I actually have finished this story __– so if no more is added in the next week or so this story will end at chapter 147 (yes, I said 'end'. This story is finally going to be over soon! Yah?). So, enjoy this chapter and the last three to come in the next few days.  
_

--

_She just wanted – needed – the blonde's friendship._

--

**Chapter One Hundred Forty-Four: Of Counting**

"Are you having sex with her?"

Glinda and Elphaba looked up at shock at the intruder that had burst into their dorm room. Shenshen stood in the doorway, her arm outstretched and pointing at the green form sitting, cross-legged, on brown bedding. She was staring at Glinda – demanding an answer. When she got none she repeated what she had said; "Are you having sex with this disgusting green disaster!"

Glinda's mouth was opened in shock and she could not find her voice. Elphaba, however, could. "She's not," the green girl said. "Any such rumours you're hearing our false."

Shenshen laid flashing eyes on Elphaba. "Don't you dare speak to me you freak!" she screamed. "You have stolen Glinda away from us! Ruined her reputation and any chance she has of finding a suitable husband here with your… your closeness! You two hold hands! Embrace! All in public! You are intimate behind closed doors! You must be!"

"We're not!" Elphaba was furious that Shenshen was accusing them of such a thing.

"I'm not surprised with you Miss _Elphaba_!" Shenshen spat out the green girl's name in disgust. "You are marked a whore! Avaric's little slut! Used goods so to say! You will find no man with the scars upon your body! Who else would you find love with besides a woman? But I will not sit back and allow you to corrupt Glinda! I will not stand for it!"

Elphaba's face fell and she turned her head to hide the tears throbbing behind her eyes. Suddenly the feeling of Avaric inside her overwhelmed her and she bolted for the bathroom. The door slammed behind her and she clutched onto the commode in desperation as her body violently expelled the contents of her stomach.

Glinda slid off her bed and slowly approached Shenshen. She stood mere inches from her former friend, Shenshen was taller than her, and stared at her – a fury in her eyes that made Shenshen tremble slightly.

"Get out," Glinda spat; her voice low and tinged with anger. "Get the fuck out and never come back! I don't want to see you again until you can accept that fact that me and Elphaba are friends. Better friends then us two ever were!"

Shenshen did not falter under Glinda's gaze. "You are destroying any chance of a reputable future by being friends with that green bean. Let her be. Let her face her demons on her own. She has done it her whole life, she will be fine without you."

"Get out!"

"I cannot stand for this. You must cut ties with her!"

Glinda grabbed Shenshen's arm and forcefully dragged her from the room. "Get out!" she repeated before slamming the door shut and locking it to prevent Shenshen from returning. She then approached the bathroom and gently knocked. She got no response so she simply opened the door and entered.

She kneeled down beside Elphaba's shaking form. "Are you okay?" she asked.

Elphaba slowly raised her head to meet Glinda's concerned eyes. She swallowed away the bile still tickling the back of her throat. "No," she whispered as she shook her head slightly. "I feel guilty."

"Whatever for?"

"Ruining your reputation. Making people think you… you have _loved_ me!"

"I do love you."

"But not like that!"

"No… but does it matter? Does it matter what others think of us?"

"Yes!" Elphaba snapped out. She stood up and began to pace within the small confines of the bathroom. "To you it does! It must! Your life is meant to be public! Meant to be based on your reputation! You are here to find a husband! How can you do that if everyone here thinks you have loved me instead?"

"I don't care! Can't you see that? I! Don't! Care!"

Elphaba whirled around to face Glinda. "You should!"

"You don't!"

"I'm green! I could never build a proper reputation even if I wanted! Yours however! I have destroyed it! You should never have become my friend!"

"I wouldn't be who I am today if I never loved you like I do."

"And that would be a good thing! You would have lived a life of blissful ignorance! It's a life you were meant to live! You weren't meant to live like I! You weren't meant to see the ugly side of life!"

"Ignorance was fine while I had it Elphie… but now that I've lost that I feel like… like I matter. Like I could do something with my life. I wouldn't have that if not for you."

Elphaba did not know how to respond to Glinda's words so she chose to stay silent instead. Green fingers twisted together in nervousness as she paced and tried to collect her scattered thoughts. "This friendship could ruin you," she whispered.

"I know."

Elphaba stopped pacing and turned questioning eyes towards her blonde friend. "And that doesn't bother you?"

"No."

"But why?"

"It just doesn't."

"But I don't understand!"

Glinda took Elphaba's hand and squeezed it in comfort. "It's okay," she said. "It really is."

"But… I… you don't actually… you… do you _want_ to… to –"

Glinda's face twisted into an expression of utter horror. "Dear Oz no!" she exclaimed. "I love you but not… not like that!"

Elphaba turned her head. "I'm sorry," she said. "I shouldn't have –"

"Do you?"

Elphaba shook her head. "I've told you before… no, no I don't."

"Then what they say shouldn't bother us. They don't matter."

"They should."

"Only you matter Elphie. I just want you to find some measure of happiness. I want to help you achieve some measure of peace within yourself."

"That may not be possible."

"I'm still going to keep on trying."

"Even though I bedded Fiyero?"

Glinda stiffened at Elphaba's words and the grasp she had on the green hand went limp. Elphaba let her arm fall to her side. "I told you not to bring that up," the blonde whispered.

Elphaba turned hard eyes on Glinda. "How can you still care for me? After all I've done? After all the pain I've caused? Molesting you. Murdering your child. Having sex with Fiyero. After it all how can you find it within yourself to still want to help me? I don't understand how anyone can have that amount of forgiveness within themselves."

"I don't understand either," Glinda replied. "I just… cannot bring myself to abandon you."

"I don't want you pity."

"You might not want it but sometimes I think you need it."

"No I don't!"

"You need friendship! You cannot survive alone! No one can!"

"I have my whole life!"

"You had Nessa! And Nessa loves you just the same as you love her! But you… you're pulling away from her! Just like your pulling away from us!"

"I don't want to hurt you!"

Glinda took both of Elphaba's hands in her own and made a conscious effort to soften her voice. "I know," she whispered. "I know you think that all you do is cause us pain but you don't. You bring a strength and a joy to my life that I've never had before. When I see you happy, when I see you smile, it makes _me_ ecstatic. And I just want you to smile more."

"I don't understand how," Elphaba muttered as she dropped her gaze to the floor. "I just… don't understand."

Glinda let go of one green hand and placed her pale fingers under Elphaba's chin. She raised her green friend's head so that their eyes meet. "Neither do I but I don't care. I don't care where my forgiveness comes from or why I don't truly hate you. I want you to be happy."

Elphaba closed her eyes so that she wouldn't have to look at her friend as she spoke. "How can you even stand to look at me?" she said. "Shenshen spoke the truth – I am nothing but use goods."

"No you're not!"

"I have a scarred body. No man of any moral fabric would be able to even stand my presence. I am the embodiment of disgusting. One large, green, screwed failure."

"Elphie! Don't talk like this! Please!"

"It's the truth."

"It's only the truth because you force yourself to believe it!"

Elphaba snapped her eyes open and the anger and self-hate that swirled within them made Glinda take a step backwards in shock. "I am so much a whore that my body was sewn shut to protect me from myself! How disgusting is that?"

"You are _not_ a whore!"

"Everyone else but you and Fiyero think so! The truth is in the numbers Glinda! I am a whore!"

The sound of palm meeting cheek rang throughout the bathroom. It seemed to echo around the two friends for an eternity. In time Elphaba slowly raised her hand to rub her tender skin and try to relieve the stinging that now resided there.

"You are _not_ a whore!" Glinda repeated.

Elphaba fled. Brushing passed the blonde and desperately wiping at her eyes to try and stop her tears. It was a futile attempt as her vision blurred with the salty water. Her escape was halted as a pale hand grabbed her wrist and yanked her away from the door. She stumbled backwards, losing her balance, and was pulled around to face Glinda.

"You are not a whore." Glinda's voice was softer now and her eyes begging – pleading – for her words to be headed by the distraught green girl.

Elphaba stared at Glinda; blinking rapidly to try and clear her blurred vision. She seemed to be searching the blonde's eyes – as if she was looking for some sort of indication that Glinda spoke the truth.

And Elphaba, to her shock, found that Glinda _was_ speaking the truth. It startled her and made her breath catch in her throat. She tried to speak but could not find her voice. Her thoughts spun in her head and she could not accept the startling truth that what had happened to her had not been her choice.

_Except for when you gave your body up for payment._

Elphaba closed her eyes and shook her head – trying to will the taunting voice out of her head. Glinda grabbed her hand in support and Elphaba struggled to breath. "I used sex to buy me drugs," Elphaba muttered. "I'm a whore." She tried to sound strong, to put some sort of truth into her words, but she could not.

"You don't believe that."

Elphaba opened her eyes and raised her head to look through the curtain of black hair that had fallen in front of her face. She smiled. "No," she replied. "Not anymore."

"And don't let anyone make you believe such a thing again. It's not the truth, and you know that."

"I guess this means that I'm worth enough to see the Wizard?"

Glinda smiled; a large grin that seemed to split her face in half. "You have always been worth it," she whispered. "You just… needed to see that in yourself."

"Even after all I have done?"

"The world is a forgiving place and the guilt you feel for your sins is enough to prove that you are not a vile person. You have simply made mistakes."

"Huge mistakes."

"And your guilt matches that."

Elphaba closed her eyes and took in a deep, shaking breath. "Did you really have to hit me?" she whispered.

"I'm sorry but I just… didn't know how else to make you listen to me."

"Please… don't ever do that again. I beg you. It… it brings up too many horrible memories."

Glinda nodded but upon realizing that Elphaba still had her eyes closed she vocalized her reply with a simple; "Of course. Never again."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

Elphaba let out a sigh of relief and finally opened her eyes. "So now what?" she asked; trying to change the topic of conversation from herself. "All of Shiz apparently believes that we are lovers when it is quite clear that we are not. Now what shall we do?"

"We go to see the Emerald City tomorrow."

"But what of your reputation?"

Glinda scoffed. "Let it be," she said. "It's not my main concern right now."

Elphaba looked skeptical but let the matter drop. "So, we pack then?"

Glinda laughed. "That is usually what one does before leaving to go somewhere."

The green girl fell silent and turned away from Glinda. She made her way to her bed and sat down. She stared at her hands as they laid listless on her lap. Glinda could tell that something was still bothering her friend so the blonde sat down beside Elphaba.

"This could be my last day at Shiz," Elphaba whispered. "That kind of makes me… sad."

"You've spent over a year here," Glinda said. "Are you really surprised it would make you sad to leave?"

"In a way… yes."

Glinda took one of Elphaba's hands and just held it. "Are you excited?"

"To see the Emerald City, yes. To see the Wizard, no."

"Why not?"

"I'm petrified I'll fail."

"You won't."

"You don't know that."

Glinda sighed. "Neither do you."

The room filled with silence and for almost an hour neither girl spoke. Glinda held Elphaba's hand as the green girl stared at the floor. "There's someone I need to talk to," she muttered – breaking the comfortable stillness that had settled around them. "There's a part of my life that I need to end before we go tomorrow."

Glinda looked at Elphaba and the green girl raised her head to meet the blonde's questioning gaze. Glinda watched her for a few moments before realization sunk in. "You want to talk to Avaric, don't you?" she asked.

Elphaba closed her eyes, turned her head away, and nodded slightly.

"Do you think that's a good idea?"

"I need to… to finish this… chapter in my life."

"You've tried to confront him before and it's never ended well."

"This time will be different."

"How so?"

"Because I need it to be."

"Elphie… this isn't a good idea."

Elphaba pulled her hand from Glinda's grasp and stood up. She made her way to the door and slipped her boots on where she slowly began to lace them up.

"Don't do this!" Glinda reached for Elphaba's arm but the green girl turned away from her. "At least let me come with you!"

Elphaba finished lacing her boots before she straightened up and faced Glinda. "I have to do this alone."

"He's going to hurt you!" Glinda was frantic with concern. "Please! You cannot do this!"

Elphaba grabbed her coat from where it laid on top of the dresser and shrugged it on. "I cannot leave Shiz without doing this. I must face him."

"And if he hurts you? Then what? You won't have the strength to meet the Wizard if Avaric hurts you again!"

"He can't!" Elphaba spat out. "Unless he wishes to cut me open then there is nothing he can do!"

Then she was gone. The door slamming behind her and Glinda was left, alone, in the empty dorm room. The blonde was frozen in shock for a minute or two before she, too, flew into action. She slipped her shoes on and, forgoing her coat for she did not have the time to search for it, she left the room. She knew that she could not follow Elphaba so soon – if she did the green girl would just become angry and confrontational with her.

So she made her way to the boy's dormitory at a slow pace; trying to make herself calm and unassuming. When she reached Fiyero's room, which was on the first floor of the building, she knocked softly before entering.

Fiyero laid in bed as he continued to recover from his head injury. If he moved too fast his vision would spin and he had trouble keeping food down. It was a concussion – or so the nurses had told him – and he felt useless as he could do little more than rest.

"She's going to see Avaric," Glinda stated as she softly shut the door behind her.

Fiyero looked up from the book he had been reading in concern. "You didn't stop her?"

"She was determined. You know how she is when she gets like that. I didn't want to make her angry… I only thought that would make everything worse."

"Why does she want to see him?"

Glinda sat down on the edge of the bed. "She says that she needs to… to close this part of her life… or something like that. I don't quite understand and I doubt I ever will but… but it concerns me."

"It should." He slowly slid out of the bed, Glinda watching him carefully, and put on his shoes. "Come on, let's go find her before this turns into a disaster."

Glinda nodded. She took a hold of Fiyero's arm to keep him steady and together they made their way to the second floor of the boy's dormitory. When they reached Avaric's room Fiyero knocked but there was no response. They heard no noise from within and when Fiyero tried the door he found that it was unlocked. It swung open to reveal an empty room.

Their concern for Elphaba grew with every passing second but Fiyero did not truly have the strength yet to stay standing for long. However, he was determined to find the green girl and he would not let his health deter him.

What they did not know was that Elphaba was further away from them then they could have ever imagined. She had not gone to Avaric as she had claimed to be her destination. Instead, she had retreated to the very outskirts of the school's grounds and hidden herself in the shadows of a small clump of bushes and trees.

She kneeled on the hard ground, the dirt digging into her knees, and dug the knife she held into the soft flesh of her stomach. Her dress had been cast to the side – tangled on the branches of a bush – and she shivered from the cold as she was clothed only in her undergarments.

She stood up, leaning against a nearby tree for support, and dragged the knife – its flat edge against her skin so that it did not pierce her – under the cloth of her undergarments. She let the sharp edge sit against the stitches that held her body shut and applied more pressure than she knew she should.

She could not do it.

The knife was pulled from her skin and she let it slip from her hand. The shallow wounds on her stomach bled slightly but not with the force she would have liked them to. She had struggled to maintain some measure of control over herself and it seemed that she had succeeded in that.

It was a small step – a tiny success – but Elphaba took it with a desperate hunger. She latched on to it and tried to find comfort in the feeling of healing.

It was simply too hard.

She bent down to pick the knife back up, to resume her terrible habit, but she caught the reflection of a very familiar white Cat in its surface. She raised her head, following the direction of the reflection, to lay eyes on Malky.

The Kitten looked at her with concern. "Elphaba?" he questioned as he sensed that she was in some sort of emotional turmoil.

"What?" she spat out, not really expecting a response. So when she got one she was shocked and nearly jumped at the complete surprise of it.

"It's not going to help."

Elphaba stared at Malky; unable to find her voice for a few brief moments. "You can speak?"

"When I choose."

"But… I… you never… I thought…"

"I choose not to speak out of fear for my life, I hope you understand that."

"But aren't you still just a Kitten?"

"I'm older than you think."

Elphaba nodded slowly – letting the new knowledge settle in her mind. "Did you play the role of a helpless kitten only to save yourself?"

Malky seemed to shrug but made no response to Elphaba's question. Instead he steered the conversation in the direction he intended it to go. Saying the words he had searched out the green girl for. "You leave tomorrow and I may never see you again. I simply want to thank you."

"Tha… thank me?" Elphaba stammered out. "Whatever for?"

"You saved my life, and my father's, and I thank you for that."

"Syren."

Malky looked at her in curiosity. "What?" he asked.

"Your father's name… it's Syren. He asked me to… to make sure you knew that."

Malky nodded. "Thank you… for all you've done." He turned to leave but Elphaba reached out and gently grabbed a hold of his tail. Malky froze and turned to face the green girl again.

"And thank you," she whispered. "For… for just being a companion. A… a friend."

Malky smiled at her. "Hopefully we will meet again. But for now this is goodbye."

"I don't want it to be."

The Cat approached Elphaba and nuzzled his face against hers. "Don't worry," he said. "I'll be around."

Then he was gone and Elphaba was left alone with only her mind for company. She could not stand the memories and thoughts that raged within her so she quickly stood up. She grabbed her dress and hastily threw it on. She left the safety shadows of the trees – forgetting the knife on the ground – and tried her best to calm her racing heart. She wrapped her arms around her shivering body and made a conscious effort to take deep, calming breaths.

Elphaba found the man she was looking for in the main courtyard of the University. She grabbed his wrist and literally dragged him from the group of friends he had been with. She ignored the looks of the students and tried to push away the bubble of fear that grew within her at the fact that Avaric was making no attempt to resist her.

When they reached the relative privacy of a small pathway formed between the library and one of the larger buildings of classes Elphaba threw Avaric against the wall. She stood before him, panting like some deranged animal, but made no movement nor spoke a single word.

"If you're looking for sex I regret to remind you that you are no longer capable of such a thing."

She slapped him. His head snapped to the side and one of her nails had caught the side of his cheek – drawing a thin red line of blood across his otherwise perfect complexion. "I'm not a whore!" she spat out. "And I'm not your little slut!"

Avaric smiled as he brought his hand up to wipe away the small droplets of blood that ran down his face. "The scars I cut into your body would beg to tell a different story."

"I leave to see the Wizard tomorrow!" Elphaba was frantic now as she tried to convince herself that she was not what Avaric had labelled her as. "The Wizard would have no need to meet a whore! He would not have requested my presence if he thought I was of such low moral fibers!"

"Unless he simply wants to screw you."

The anger and conviction seemed to drain from Elphaba at Avaric's words. Such a thought had crossed her mind before but she had desperately pushed it away as nothing more than a foolish fear. But to hear it from someone else – even if that person was Avaric – planted the seeds of doubt in her mind again. Her breath was suddenly caught in her throat and the strength she had had moments ago fled her as the fear of being called to the Wizard as nothing more than a play-thing made her panic.

Avaric pressed his advantage. He grabbed Elphaba's arm and swung her around so that their positions were reversed and she was the one with her back now pressed against the building. He grabbed the bottom of her dress and pulled it up – bunching it against her waist. He slipped his hand into her undergarments and, before Elphaba had even begun to register what had happened, managed to force his forefinger into the small hole that still remained there. The intrusion tore Elphaba's body and broke through one of the stitches.

Elphaba cried out in pain and tried to wriggle free but Avaric had his full body weight against her. She managed to get both her hands on Avaric's shoulders and shoved him off of her. But as he stumbled backwards his finger hooked inside of her and tore another stitch; pulling at skin and causing the green girl to whimper.

Avaric regained his balance and straightened up to lay amused eyes on Elphaba's shaking form. He brought his finger up to his nose and smelled the blood that stained his skin. He smiled at her.

"A few more of those and I might be able to open you up enough," he said; the meaning behind his words all to clear to Elphaba.

"I am not your slut!" Elphaba shrieked. "I am not a whore! I am not some sex toy for you to torment and play with!"

Avaric was on her in a moment. His lips pushed against hers but Elphaba would not allow herself to let such a thing occur. She bit him, hard, and he pulled away from her. His lower lip bled from where her teeth had pierced his flesh. He stared at her, a fury in his eyes that scared her. He was not used to resistance, he was not used to not getting his way, and he was angry.

He had the sudden desire to take her body for his own pleasure right then and there. He did not care that she was sewn shut – he would rip right into if he had too – but he resisted the urge. He would have to wait for a better opportunity if he wished to take her without the other students seeing the force he would have to use.

She slapped him, again, and Avaric knew when he was pushing his luck. He fled her presence then – not willing to risk the assault of her uncontrolled magick being sent in his direction.

She watched him go. She reached out a hand to steady her shaking body with the strong presence of the building near her. Her body ached from what Avaric had done to her and she sunk to her knees. She had meant to close the book on this chapter in her life but all she had done was open up a horrible sequel to it all.

She felt the blood slowly dripping from her body. It pooled on the ground around her and she could feel it on her thighs and legs. She tasted the bile in her mouth and had to swallow it back. If she had taken the care to eat that day she would have vomited but she had not so she was able to hold back the bile on pure will power alone.

Her vision blurred and swam as the tears collected in her eyes. She blinked frantically as she tried to will them away. Her head throbbed with the effort. She tried to stand but her legs were trembling far too much to support her body weight. She cursed her own pathetic self as her weak body forced her back on to her knees on the blood stained cobblestone. Time dragged out. Second by second. Minute by minute. Elphaba counted it as it passed her by.

Forty-two minutes and twenty-seven seconds. It took forty-two minutes and twenty-seven seconds for Fiyero and Glinda to find her. When they saw the blood that surrounded her they feared the worse but the green girl was quick to clear the air.

"He didn't rape me," she whispered, her voice echoing off the brick walls that closed them in. "He just… tore it a little."

No more words were spoken for Elphaba could not find the strength to speak. Fiyero and Glinda tried to help her stand but even with their support Elphaba's leg shook far too much and her body ached at a level far too unbearable – she simply could not walk. So Fiyero blinked away his own blurred vision from the mild concussion he still suffered with and scooped the green girl up in his arms.

Twelve minutes and fifty-four seconds. Elphaba counted the twelve minutes and fifty-four seconds it took for Fiyero to carry her to the shared dorm room. When they got there he carefully laid her in the bathing tub and a knowing expression was shared between Fiyero and Glinda. The Vinkus prince quietly left to fetch a nurse and the blonde grabbed a cloth and Elphaba's bottle of cleansing oils.

Elphaba stared at the ceiling, green hands balled into fists at her side, as Glinda cleaned the blood that stained her thighs and legs as gently as she could. She counted seven minutes and thirty-five seconds. It took seven minutes and thirty-five seconds for Glinda to clean her.

Elphaba counted the next thirty-four minutes and eighteen seconds that passed by in complete silence until the nurse came. Elphaba was carried to her bed by Fiyero's strong arms and the nurse carefully examined her. It was determined that, for the area to heal as well as it could, it would have to be restitched.

The green girl shoved her fist into her mouth and bit down hard to try and stifle her screams. The two stitches took, she counted, thirty-nine seconds to put in place. A towel was placed underneath her as she still bled from the initial tearing that Avaric had done to her body.

The nurse left and the three friends found themselves alone, surrounded by a tension filled silence, and with no idea what to say.

Elphaba counted the three hours, nine minutes, and twenty-seven seconds that passed the three friends by. It was at the moment that it became three hours, nine minutes, and twenty-eight seconds that Elphaba finally broke the silence. "No matter what I do or say, no matter how strong I try to be, he always manages to break me," she whispered as she kept her eyes trained on the ceiling.

Glinda, who was sitting on the edge of Elphaba's bed, took a green hand in her own and squeezed it. She said nothing though; knowing that any words she said would seem trite and mocking against the pain her friend was feeling.

"You were right," Elphaba continued. "I shouldn't have gone to him. What was I thinking? I don't have the strength to fight against him. He controls me. He owns me."

"No he doesn't," Glinda replied quietly.

"All I am, all the strength I've prided myself on, flees me when he is near. When did I allow that to happen?"

"He raped you Elphie, of course there will be some sort of fear left over from that."

"I fear that it will always be there."

"Maybe it will."

"So I am condemned to a life of being his whore?"

"No."

"Yet when he is around I can do nothing to stop him. I want to, with all that is within me, to stop him…" Her voice trailed off and Elphaba was forced to close her eyes to hold back her tears. "But… but I just can't," she choked out. "He holds too much power over me."

"He doesn't hold any power over you," Glinda whispered. "Your fear is what chokes you. Your fear is what controls you."

"He created that fear in me."

"That he might have. But the fear is _in_ you. And one day you'll be able to cast it away because _you_ control it… not Avaric."

Elphaba sighed. "You make it sound so simple."

"It is."

"Yet I cannot do it."

"Sometimes the simplest things in theory are the hardest to do in reality."

Elphaba nodded at Glinda's words and then fell silent. Their conversation – she had counted – had last two minutes and forty-three seconds. Now she waited as the silence stretched on and night time approached.

Elphaba Thropp counted the one hour, thirty-seven minutes, and eight seconds it took her to fall into a restless sleep.


	145. To The Emerald City

_**Author's Note: **Sorry for the delay in updating but it was Christmas and then I got sick and then_…_ like_…_ yah_…_ that's all. Two more chapters after this one._

--

_Elphaba Thropp counted the one hour, thirty-seven minutes, and eight seconds it took her to fall into a restless sleep._

--

**Chapter One Hundred Forty-Five: To The Emerald City**

Six minutes and twelve seconds. It took six minutes and twelve seconds for Elphaba to dress herself and comb her hair. Glinda sat on her bed, already ready, watching Elphaba's stiff movements with concern.

"Are you sure you're going to be able to do this?" Glinda asked quietly.

"We're going to the Emerald City!" Elphaba spat out. "I refuse to allow Avaric to have that much control over my life!"

"You can hardly walk."

"I'll manage!"

"At the risk of hurting yourself?"

"Yes!"

Glinda sighed. "This isn't a good idea. You're not in the right frame of mind to see the Wizard."

Elphaba finally turned to face the blonde. "I've missed far too many chances with the Wizard! I refuse to let this one slip me by because of that asshole Avaric! I'm going and you can come or you can stay. The choice is yours!"

"Of course I'm coming with you."

"Then shut-up and makes sure you've packed all you need!"

Glinda frowned at Elphaba's frantic tone of voice. "Are you okay?" she asked.

The green girl turned around and began to check her suitcase. "I'm fine," she eventually muttered.

"No you're not."

"Just drop it!"

"Elphie…"

Elphaba faced Glinda again. "Don't _Elphie _me!" she shrieked. "And stop caring so damn much! Just let me be!"

Glinda stood up and made her way towards Elphaba. The green girl turned back around to face her suitcase so Glinda stood beside her and grabbed a green hand in her own. "You don't have to pretend to be strong," the blonde whispered. "I know you're hurting. You don't have to hide it from me."

Elphaba pulled her hand from Glinda's grasp and wrapped her arms around herself as she walked to the other side of the dorm room and stood by the dresser – her back facing her roommate. When she spoke her words were a mere whisper, barely audible; "I cannot shake the feeling of him. I cannot get his touch out of my mind. His hands on my body. His lips on mine. It just… it makes me shiver."

"I know it's hard."

"You don't know anything about it!" Elphaba whirled around, anger flashing in her eyes, to face the blonde. "You have never been raped! You have never sunk so low as to use your body to pay for the vices you feel you cannot live without! You don't know what it's like to have you back pressed against the dirty street as some strange man you do not know finds his pleasure with your body! You don't know what it's like to _allow_ such a demeaning, disgusting act to occur! You know _nothing_!"

"I've never experienced it but when I look at you, and I mean really look at you, I can see the pain that swirls within you. And the desperation of trying to hide it. I know it hurts by just looking at you. Can you not understand that? I can see your pain. And I just want to help you. If you would just let me…"

"No!"

"But why?"

"I'm not worth it!" With those words Elphaba clamped her mouth shut and said no more on the subject. She made her way back to her suitcase and slammed it shut with far more force than necessary. "Let's go," she snapped out, "before we miss our train."

"Elphie… I'm worried about you."

"Don't be!"

"But –"

"Shut-up!"

Glinda fell silent, afraid of Elphaba's fury, and the green girl let out a sigh of relief. The conversation had lasted five minutes and forty-two seconds – Elphaba had made sure to count – and the silence that followed last two minutes and seven seconds.

They left to meet Madame Morrible at the carriage station. They walked in silence – for twenty-three minutes and four seconds – until they arrived. When they got there Morrible took Elphaba by the hand and led her away from Glinda to speak to the green girl alone for a moment.

"A nurse came to me late yesterday and said that your stitches had been torn. Would you care to elaborate on how that happened?"

"If you had been a better Headmistress then it would not have happened at all!" Elphaba turned on her heal and returned to Glinda with no more words said. Morrible stood still in shock for a few moments before frowning in concern; Elphaba's bitter attitude needed to be changed before she saw the Wizard.

Before Morrible could approach the green girl again Nessa made her sudden presence known with a simple, "Elphaba."

Elphaba turned to face the sound of her name and kneeled down beside her sister's chair. Nessa had her head turned slightly, almost as if she didn't quite want to see her sister, and twisted her hands together in nervousness. Boq was pushing her chair for her and he too seemed to be uncomfortable with being in Elphaba's presence.

"I'm so proud of you," Nessa began. She seemed to be honestly genuine in what she was saying. "I know father will be too. We're all proud, aren't we?"

"Will you be alright without me?" Elphaba asked as she knew, deep down, that this could possibly be the last time she saw her sister for a very long time.

"She'll be fine," Glinda cut in. "Boq will keep her company, right Boq?"

The Munchkin nodded stiffly. "Good luck Elphaba," he said quietly. "I hope you find what you need with the Wizard."

Elphaba stood up slowly. "Is something bothering you Boq?" she asked.

The Munchkin shook his head. "No," he muttered before turning and fleeing.

"Don't fret over him," Nessa said as she took a hold of Elphaba's hand and finally looked at her sister. "His just… confused."

"Nessa," Glinda gently interrupted. "Maybe he just… isn't the right one for you."

Nessa shook her head. "No, he's the one. It's me that's not right." She paused and let go of her sister's hand. "Don't worry about me Elphaba, I'll be fine." She turned and began to wheel herself away. "Safe journey!" she called over her shoulder.

"Nessa wait!"

"Let her go." Glinda grabbed a hold of Elphaba's arm before the green girl could go after Nessa. "She'll have to manage without you."

"But Glinda –"

"Elphaba!"

The green girl turned at the sound of the new person to see her off. "Fiyero?" she questioned. "Shouldn't you be resting?"

"And miss you're departure? I think not." He smiled at her as he took her hand. "Are you sure you're up to this?" he asked in a mere whisper.

Elphaba averted her eyes to the ground and pulled her hand free of Fiyero's hold. "I'll be fine," she replied in an equally as quiet voice.

He embraced her then. Elphaba stiffened at the close human contact but did not pull away. "When I don't come back make sure to take care of Glinda, okay?" she whispered into his ear.

"But Elph–"

The green girl pulled away from Fiyero's embrace and turned her attention back to Glinda. "Let's go," she said, "before I lose my courage and back out of this."

Glinda smiled. "To the Emerald City then?"

Elphaba returned her blonde friend's smile. "Yes, to the Emerald City."

"Good luck," Fiyero said, "with everything."

Elphaba placed a hand on Fiyero's shoulder and leaned over slightly. "I'll miss you." She placed a light kiss on his cheek before releasing her hold on him and taking Glinda's hand in her own. "And thank you for all you've done." She smiled at him before turning her gaze to Glinda.

The blonde let out a small laugh. "I'll see you soon!" she called to Fiyero with a cheerful wave.

The two friends boarded the train – making sure to not take the same compartment that Morrible sat in – and waved goodbye to Fiyero through the window.

Elphaba counted the two hours, twenty-three minutes, and four seconds it took for the train to reach the Emerald City.


	146. At The Emerald City

_Elphaba counted the two hours, twenty-three minutes, and four seconds it took for the train to reach the Emerald City._

--

**Chapter One Hundred Forty-Six: At The Emerald City**

They stumbled into their hotel room, exhausted but hyper, at ten to two in the morning. They had arrived in the Emerald City at just passed noon and Madame Morrible had allowed them to explore the city on their own – as long as they were ready by nine in the morning the next day to go to their meeting with the Wizard.

They had spent thirteen hours and forty-six minutes in the Emerald City. Elphaba had, for the first time in her life, found herself somewhere where her green skin did not garner her as much attention as it usually did. She had been ecstatic.

For thirteen hours and forty-six minutes Elphaba Thropp was able to forget her troubles. She had managed to push her horrible memories into some far corner of her mind by occupying her thoughts constantly. She made sure to always be doing something and if she did find herself idle, for whatever reason, she simply counted the time that passed her by to keep her mind distracted.

As long as she was distracted she could manage to force herself to not remember. It drained her, mentally, to put so much effort into blocking out her painful memories but she refused to let her past bring her down. Not now. Not here. Not with her meeting with the Wizard at stake.

Glinda giggled as she collapsed on to her bed; letting her shoes fall off her feet and on to the floor. "Wizardmania was amazing!" she squealed.

Elphaba sat herself down on her own bed and grinned. "The whole day was amazing," she whispered. "This city is spectacular!"

The blonde looked at Elphaba and though her green friend was smiling Glinda could see the pain that lingered in those brown eyes. Her own smile faltered for a moment as she realized that Elphaba was not having as much fun as she portrayed herself to be having.

"You're not happy, are you?" Glinda asked.

Elphaba dropped her gaze to the floor. "I had a fun a day," she said.

"But you're not happy."

"Glinda… please… for this one day just let me pretend that I'm someone else… that I'm not Elphaba Thropp."

"But you are."

"But I wish I wasn't!"

Glinda fell silent at Elphaba's outburst. She stood up and made her way to Elphaba's bed where she sat down beside her despairing friend. A pale hand grasped a green one in support and the two friends sat together in comforting silence.

"I'm not happy," Elphaba eventually whispered. "But I did find some joy in today."

"That's a start."

"And hopefully the Wizard will help to make it even better."

Glinda looked at Elphaba in surprise. "Yes," she replied. "Hopefully he will."

Elphaba nodded and fell completely silent. She watched her blonde friend as Glinda quietly made herself ready for bed. It took seventeen minutes and three seconds for Glinda to clean herself and get changed. It took Elphaba herself only two minutes and thirty-eight seconds to ready herself for bed.

Elphaba made sure to count.

Glinda fell asleep in nine minutes and twelve seconds. Elphaba, herself, took far longer – three hours, fifty-eight minutes, and forty seconds – to fall asleep.

She could not help but count.


	147. After The Wizard

_She could not help but count._

--

**Chapter One Hundred Forty-Seven: After The Wizard**

"Why can't you stop flying off the handle?"

Elphaba ignored Glinda as she tried to find something to prop against the door; to shield them from the guards following.

"I hope you're happy how you've hurt your cause forever!" Glinda screamed.

Elphaba whirled around to face the blonde. "I hope you're happy how you'd grovel in submission!"

"I hope you think you're clever!"

"I hope you enjoy feeding your own ambition!"

"Don't you see this is what I have always talked about!" Glinda tried to get closer to Elphaba but the green girl stepped backwards, keeping her distance. "You don't even pay attention to what you do! You just do it!"

"He is trying to use me!" Elphaba turned around, hugged her arms close to herself. "I cannot let that happen."

"He wants to help you! He wants you to work with him!"

"He wants me to help him control the Animals!" Elphaba turned back around to face Glinda again. "He wants to use me to hurt others!"

"Just talk to him! Apologize! Say you're sorry!"

"What good would that do?"

"Maybe you can help him some other way." Glinda's voice was desperate. "Some way that won't involve hurting the Animals."

Elphaba shook her head as she spotted a broom and grabbed it. "He's a tyrant Glinda, can you not see that?" she said as she brushed past the blonde and shoved the broom under the handle of the door to keep it shut.

"He's the Wizard!"

"And he's not so wonderful! He's not what we wanted! He's not what we believed!"

"Don't go!"

Elphaba froze in her attempt to lock the door with the broom and raised her eyeline to look at Glinda. "Pardon?"

"Don't go," Glinda repeated, her voice pleading. "Please…"

Elphaba's stone face seemed to melt as grief tore through her. She grabbed a hold of Glinda's hand and squeezed it gently. "I… I thought you wanted me to leave Shiz. I thought you said it would be better for me."

Glinda shook her head, blonde curls bouncing about her face. "You should," she whispered, dropping her gaze to the floor. "But… but I don't want to lose you."

A bang on the door and angry shouting interrupted the two women and Elphaba froze. "They've found us," she whispered.

"Of course they did!" Glinda's voice rose in panic as she braved a glance at the door. "What's you're brilliant plan now? How are we going to get out of this!"

Elphaba let go of Glinda's hand and looked at the Grimmerie she still held. An idea, shaky and unformed and altogether nearly impossible, formed in her mind. She dropped to her knees, flipping the book opened to the page she needed and started reading. The words tumbled out of her mouth; fluid, soft, and almost song-like. It still shocked her how easily she could read the spells.

"What are you doing!" Glinda screamed over Elphaba's chanting and the guards banging on the door. "Why are you reading that? That's that hideous levitation spell that started this all! Stop it!"

Elphaba ignored the blonde and continued reading. She could feel the energy building inside her. She could feel the magick; the power.

"Stop!"

The utter panic in Glinda's voice shocked Elphaba and caused her to falter over her words and finally fall silent.

"Well? Now what?" Glinda whispered in the odd silence of the room. Even the guards had seemed to stop their noise. "Nothing's happening. Maybe you aren't as powerful as you thought you were!"

Elphaba stood up, her movements jerky and sudden, as she shoved the book into her bag. She felt weak and cold and the effort of the spell had seemed to drain her. "It… it didn't –"

Glinda squealed; interrupting Elphaba's words and causing the green girl to whirl around. Elphaba laid eyes on the broom that, mere moments before, had been propped against the door.

It now floated before her.

Elphaba grabbed the broom. "Quick!" she blurted out. "Get on!" She turned hopeful, expecting, eyes on Glinda.

The blonde's eyes widened in shock as she instinctively stepped backwards.

"Come on!" Elphaba's voice began to lose its enthusiasm as she started to realize that Glinda would not follow her. "Together… together we can do anything…"

Glinda opened her mouth to speak but she found that she had no voice. Her mouth closed. Opened. Closed. Opened once more before closing with no words spoken.

Elphaba's face fell. The broom clattered against the floor. "You… you won't come."

"Elphie…"

"You can't live without guarantees." Elphaba's voice was quiet, weak. "You don't want to watch me die."

"I… I can't Elphie." Glinda had tears in her eyes but she tried to hold them back. She didn't want to make Elphaba cry. "Please… try to understand."

The door burst opened. Guards filled the room. Elphaba grabbed the fallen broom and with one last pleading, desperate look towards Glinda disappeared in to the shadows of the attic. The guards grabbed Glinda and the blonde struggled with all her might but she could not free herself. Then suddenly the guards were gone and green lips were by her ear.

"Goodbye," Elphaba whispered as she used her magick and her new found confidence to cast the Wizard's guards to the ground.

"I… I hope you're happy," Glinda choked out around the lump in her throat.

"You too," Elphaba replied as she mounted her broom. She turned to face the guards. "She had nothing to do with this!" the green girl screamed. "It was me and only me! Let her be!"

The room seemed to darken even further in Elphaba's anger and repressed despair. She moved to kick off the ground but whispered words cut through the air and froze her movements.

"This time…" Glinda whispered. "This time _you're_ doing the right thing."

The guards were on their feet again. Elphaba and Glinda had run out of time and the green girl knew that this was her last chance. She kicked off the ground and the broom took her through the air. In one fleeting moment she was gone – escaping through an opened window near the top of the attic tower. Glinda stared after empty air as the tears she had desperately held back began to pour down her face. She collapsed to her knees; burying her head in her hands. Shoulders shook. Whimpers escaped her mouth. Tears trailed salty paths down her pale face and on to her hands.

A hand was on her shoulder, squeezing it gently.

"She's gone," Glinda choked out.

"I know," Morrible replied as she squeezed Glinda's shoulder even tighter.

"Why?"

"This was her choice Glinda, not yours."

"She's _not_ wicked." Glinda looked up and laid a piercing gaze on the Headmistress. "Why did you label her as so!"

"Politics Miss Glinda… something you cannot hope to understand for many years to come yet."

"I… I shouldn't miss her this much," Glinda whispered as she shakingly stood up.

"She was your friend and you're feeling betrayed. This is normal."

Glinda twisted out of Morrible's grasp. "Shut-up!" she screamed before turning on her heals and fleeing the attic.

She ran; heeled shoes echoeing against stone floors. She ran until she found her way outside. The Emerald City was dark but not silent as it should be. The townspeople were in an uproar over the announcement of the Wicked Witch and the sounds of shouting people around her deafened Glinda. The blonde ducked in to an alleyway and tried to escape her own emotions by running. She ran until her legs gave away and she crashed to the cobblestone street. She got up again and ran. She didn't care that she was crying. She didn't care that she had lost her shoes along the way. She didn't care that she had no idea where she was or where she was going.

All she knew was that she had to run.

Eventually Glinda found herself sprawled on her back. She laid on soft grass in some strange part of the Emerald City. She figured she was in some sort of park situated out-of-the-way of the main section of the City. It was quiet. She could only faintly hear the uproar of people from where she had once been.

She cried; the tears now silent as they poured down her face. She couldn't believe that Elphaba was gone. She couldn't believe that the green girl she had hated so bitterly when she had first met her now brought her so much grief and pain.

"You killed my child," Glinda muttered to herself, knowing that Elphaba could not hear her. "I should hate you but I… I can't."

The wind tousled Glinda's hair, made the blonde shiver. She wrapped her arms around her chest just like Elphaba had been so often seen doing. She rolled on to her side and curled in on herself. "Why did you have to leave?" Glinda whispered. "Why did you go when we haven't yet fixed our relationship? Now… now I don't know if I should hate you or love you. If I should be greatful for your leaving or miss you terribly."

The blonde shut her eys and was completely oblivious to the fact that just a few feet away from her stood a silent figure. The figure was completely still, a hand resting against a tree trunk. Shoulders were slumped forward in despair and eyes hooded in guilt. The moon broke through the clouds to shine upon the lone figure standing watch over the distraught Glinda. The pale light cast an eerie glow on the figure and made her green skin obvious for all the world to see.

Elphaba Thropp stared at the unmoving blonde laying on the grassy ground. She had to struggle against all that was inside of her to keep herself from running to Glinda's side and comforting her friend.

If Glinda would only open her eyes she would see Elphaba standing near, illuminated by the moonlight. But the blonde did not open her eyes for far too long and Elphaba began to fear that Glinda was ill. Tentativiley, taking as much care as she could, Elphaba made her way to the blonde's side. She kneeled down and simply looked at Glinda as closely as she could. She saw that Glinda's chest moved up and down in the slow, rhythmic movement of breathing.

Elphaba had the nearly uncontrollably urge to grab a hold of Glinda and shake her awake. She desperately wanted to say she was sorry, to beg for forgiveness.

There was so much that Elphaba wanted to say that she could not. There was so much that Elphaba had wanted to do but she had run out of time.

It was too late. Too late for saying sorry. Too late for forgiveness. Too late for making it better. Too late to save their friendship.

Elphaba ran. She had to. She ran as fast as she could and when she could run no farther she mounted her broom and flew. She flew higher and higher until the world below her all but disappeared. The wind whipped her hair about her and stung her face.

She landed in some dark alleyway on the far outskirts of the city – crashing to the ground as she had not yet mastered such an action with the broom. She layed on the ground where she fell, unmoving and barely breathing. Her body hurt. Her vision blurred. Her hearing dulled.

Her heart ached.

She was afraid. Terrified of having to face the world alone. She had always been alone but now that she had tasted friendship she doubted her ability to be on her own again.

She forced herself to stand, grabbing a hold of her enchanted broom. The piece of old wood and worn straw was the only thing she had anymore and she would not dare to let it out of her sight. She stumbled, cutting a ragged path through the shadows.

"You couldn't live a life with no guarantees," Elphaba murmured, tears now coursing down her face and burning her so painfully that she felt like she needed to rip her skin right off. "You couldn't come with me. You couldn't watch me fail."

Elphaba tripped over a rock, fell to the ground. "You couldn't watch me die," she whispered, clumping dirt in her green hands. "I… I just came to say goodbye."

The wind whistled around Elphaba; seemed to sing to her a haunting tune. "Goodbye… goodbye…good… good… good…" Elphaba's voice faltered and sobs choked her words from her. She wiped at her tears with the back of a dirty sleeve but it did little to help alleviate the salty liquid or the pain they caused her.

She could still hear the uproar of the citizens. Their cries were faint now for they were so far away but their anger carried through the air. Elphaba winced at their acid tones and realized that she was now doomed to a life of being hunted for no real reason. A part of her wished she could be like Glinda. A part of her wished she didn't care so much. A part of her wished she could just abandon her convictions and desire to help the Animals to save herself instead.

But she couldn't.

She knew she had condemned herself to being nothing more than a fugitive. She knew she would never be able to live without the fear of being watching. She knew she would never be able to see Glinda and Fiyero again – or her father, or Nessa, or any of the others she cared for. She knew she would now always be hated by the society she had strived so hard to be accepted in to.

She knew that now, with the Wizard's words, her name had been ripped from her. She was no longer Elphaba, the Thropp Third Descending – she was, instead, the Wicked Witch of the West.

**_The End_**


	148. Epilogue

_**Author's Note: **Really, is anyone surprised by this? Did you really thing I WASN'T going to write an epilogue? Seriously, this is ME and this is the story _"_Loathing_"_ that we are talking about. Of course there would be an epilogue! But I'm not just here to laugh at the fact that even though this story is officially over I'm still adding to it __–__ I'm also here to tell you all that the sequel is up now. It's called _"_Breathe_"_ and hopefully you all like it as much as you seemed to have liked this story. So head on over to my account page and read the sequel! _

--

_She was no longer Elphaba, the Thropp Third Descending – she was, instead, the Wicked Witch of the West._

--

**Epilogue:**

Glinda was startled awake by a loud crash near her head. She jerked up, clutching the sheets around her body for warmth, and stared at the person in her dorm room in terror.

The shadow of a person whirled around to face the blonde and Glinda's eyes opened in shock, surprise, and complete joy. "Elphie!" she screeched and she was standing in a moment.

Elphaba held up her hands to keep Glinda away from her and backed away slightly. She had knocked Glinda's vanity chair over – which is what had jerked the blonde awake – and know she had to be careful not to step on it. "Glinda, please… no one can know I'm here," she whispered. "Go back to bed… you never saw me."

"Elphie…" Glinda looked hurt. "Why are you being so cold?"

"I came to pick up a few things… I was just leaving… I knocked the chair over… I'm sorry for waking you. Please… go back to bed," Elphaba stammered; she was afraid of being discovered.

"Elphie… what are you doing? Where do you plan on going? How are you going to survive!" Glinda's words got louder and frantic the more she spoke as the fear for her friend's life began to overwhelm her. "You're just a child still! How are you going to live when everyone wants you dead!"

Elphaba grabbed Glinda in a tight embrace. She ran her hand through limp blonde curls in comfort and whispered reassuring words into Glinda's ear. "Don't worry about me," Elphaba said. "I'll find a way, I always do."

"But you're hurting and I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what you'll do!" Glinda was crying now. "And the Wizard… he wants me to help him… to be a public figure with him but I… I don't know. You're so determined that he is… is bad and I… I'm afraid that if I work with him that somehow I'll help him to hurt you and I… I don't want that!"

Elphaba pulled away from Glinda but kept her hands on the blonde's shoulders. She smiled at her friend. "Work with him," she said. "Work with him and maybe you'll be able to change things from within."

"But…"

"Don't concern yourself with me." Elphaba reached into the bag over her shoulder and pulled out a folded up letter – she slid it into Glinda's pale hand. "I couldn't… I was afraid of… I… there's too much that I cannot say so I… wrote you a letter. I hope you find some sort of comfort in it." She turned to leave then but Glinda grabbed her wrist.

"Don't go!"

Elphaba closed her eyes and pulled her hand from Glinda's grasp. "Please Glinda… don't do this."

"But Elphie!"

"No one can know I was here. No one! Not even Fiyero!"

"You're asking too much of me!"

Elphaba whirled around to face her friend; her eyes pleading. "Please… if anything were to happen to you because of me I… I wouldn't be able to live with myself."

"What could happen?"

"I'm a fugitive Glinda! Don't you understand that? They'll kill you if they think you're helping me!"

"I don't care!"

"Well I do!" Elphaba turned around and made her way to the opened window. She climbed out of it and stood on the edge as she mounted her broom.

"Elphie!" By the time Glinda ran to the window her green friend was already gone. The blonde stared at the window, watching the fleck of black in the sky, and cried. She held the letter tightly in her hand and had to wait a few minutes before she could compose herself enough to read it. She sat down on the edge of Elphaba's old bed and unfolded the letter. She easily recognized her friend's loopy script but it was far messier than usual – as if it had been written in haste.

_Dear Glinda,_

_I realize now that asking you to come with me was a foolish and hurtful act. I hold nothing against you for choosing another path and I hope that one day we can meet again. I regret leaving you without a true goodbye and I hope that one day you can forgive me for the hurt I've caused. Please understand that I could not stand by idle as this injustice by the Wizard goes unchallenged – I have stood by idly my whole life, throughout all that has happened to me, and I no longer can. I don't mean to belittle you – I understand why you could not come with me. It hurt when you rejected my offer but I understand why, which is all I need._

_I want you to know that I could not have survived Shiz without you by my side. You were there throughout it all – the rape, the abortion, the beatings, the memories, the hurt, the suicide, and the good times. We had our disagreements, our fights, but we pulled through it all to stick together. I want to thank you. No… I need to thank you. So – thank you for all that you have done for me._

_You helped me become stronger, braver, and to stand up for myself. You taught me that not everything that goes wrong is my fault. You showed me that I'm worth something. A fact that, before Shiz, had not even crossed my mind. You made me into a person. You gave me a soul. You made me someone. If you had not been there, holding my hand, I would not have had the strength to defy the Wizard. You gave me strength in a way that I have never had before. And you showed me love – something I had never truly experience and dearly needed. Our friendship was not perfect, we had our rough patches, but I will forever cherish you and what you taught me. Without you I would never have learnt to accept my emotions. You taught me that feelings are not a horrible thing and can even be an enriching part of life._

_In a way, writing a letter was probably the better way for me to say goodbye. I can tell you much more in writing then I could have ever said in words – something which I know I must work on. So I leave you now with my thanks for all you have done for me and I ask for your forgiveness for leaving. Be strong Glinda – I see greatness in you future. You will become something, something more than myself. I can see it now. Don't give up hope and forever stay true to yourself. Never let anyone else tell you what to do – you're smarter than that, smarter than what you give yourself credit for. I believe in your strength and your soul. Make a name for yourself… I know you can._

_We part in sadness and tears now but don't hold on to the pain for too long. Remember the good times we have had together and perhaps we shall be lucky enough in fate to cross paths again. Goodbye Glinda. Goodbye and good luck._

_Love forever,_

_Elphaba Thropp_

Glinda neatly folded the letter back up, wiping away the tears that stained her face, before unfolding the letter again. She held it in her hands and let her eyes roam over the words written by her friend over and over again. She was glad she had it – it was a tangible object that she could hold and read and remember her friend with. It gave her some measure of comfort while still striking such sadness in her soul that she felt like she was dying.

As Glinda continued to reread the letter over and over again Fiyero of the Vinkus was walking, lost in his own thoughts, through the school grounds. He didn't know where he was going nor did he particularly care. He let his feet take him where they wished as he simply thought. The cold was barely registered by his mind as night fell – blanketing the world in almost total darkness. He was still shocked over Elphaba's decision; he couldn't believe that she was gone, he couldn't believe that she had actually left.

Suddenly something caught his eyes; a shadow of a form on the ground. He froze, not wishing to disturb whomever was near. In a moment he realized where he was – by the apple tree in the cafeteria's garden. At the graves of Elphaba's children.

Elphaba.

Fiyero's eyes widened in shock as he recognized whom it was who was kneeling beneath the apple tree. "Elphaba?" he questioned, his voice a mere whisper.

The shadowed form jerked up into a standing position, grabbing the object beside her, and swiftly turned around to face the intruder. Her features softened as she realized who had spoken to her. "Yes Fiyero," she replied. "It is I."

"You shouldn't be here." He walked over to her as she turned back around to face the apple tree.

"I know." Her voice was quiet, choked – a sign of her tears. "But I… I couldn't go with… without saying… goodbye."

Fiyero wrapped an arm around Elphaba's shaking shoulders and pulled her close. "I'm coming with you."

Elphaba dropped what she was holding – her broom – and pulled away from Fiyero in a quick, jerking movement. She whirled around to face him. "You… you can't!" Her voice was both quiet and loud at the same time. "It… it's too dangerous!

"It will be harder for the Wizard if I stand with you. Two people together can do more than just one. One person can be labeled Wicked and pushed aside. Two people are harder to ignore."

"I can't… can't let you come with… with me!" I wouldn't be… be able to live with my… myself if some… something happened to… to you!"

Fiyero crossed the few feet between himself and Elphaba and took the green girl in his arms; embracing her tightly. "I love you," he whispered.

Elphaba shuddered in Fiyero's hold and clutched on to the thin fabric of his shirt. She was desperately trying not to cry. "You… you can't," she muttered.

"Can't love you or can't come with you?"

"Both."

"I don't love Glinda anymore. I did, at one point, but I've lost that now."

"It… it's too late." Elphaba's voice was muffled by Fiyero's chest.

"Do you not love me anymore?"

Elphaba shook her head slightly. "I… do but… but I need you to… to protect Glinda now."

"What do you mean?"

"I… don't really know." She leaned in to Fiyero's warm body. "I just… have a… a feeling. She'll need… someone to protect her… and I won't be able to. Please… just trust me… Glinda will need you more… more than I."

"I don't agree with you."

"It doesn't matter, you _must_ stay with Glinda! I'm not just… just being selfless." Elphaba pulled away from Fiyero's grasp and their eyes met. "Keep her… keep her safe. Shield her from… from the Wizard. I will sleep better knowing that… that you're beside her… holding her hand."

Fiyero nodded. "Very well," he said. "But know this… my heart lies with you now and when the time comes we _will_ be together. I promise this to you."

"I fear that that time… will never come." Elphaba turned her head away, her eyes landing on the sight of her broom upon the ground.

"Then I shall wait forever if that is what fate will bring us."

Elphaba shook her head slowly, sadly. "I… I don't get you," she whispered. "You… loved Glinda all… all this time and now… suddenly you… you love me? It doesn't make sense."

"I've loved you for a long time." Fiyero placed his hand on a green cheek and turned Elphaba's face to meet his – forcing her to look at him. "I didn't act because I feared hurting you. I feared pushing you too hard, too fast. And… and I feared I would be the cause of… of ruining your friendship with Glinda."

Elphaba laughed – a short, choked laugh – and turned around to face the apple tree again. "You very nearly did. But then… that could have just been… just been my foolish ways."

Fiyero wrapped his arms around Elphaba's waist and pulled her close so her back met his chest. "The Wizard labeled you as a Wicked Witch," he whispered directly into her ear. "But that doesn't mean it's true."

Elphaba smiled as she closed her eyes and leaned her head back to rest in the crook between Fiyero's shoulder and neck. The movement knocked her hat – her Witch's hat – off and it tumbled to the ground below. "I don't mind being a Wicked Witch," she muttered. "I'll just rewrite the meaning of such a title. Soon the Wizard will regret ever signalling me out as anything… Wicked or not."

Fiyero buried his head in Elphaba's hair. It smelled of poppies. "I'm afraid of watching you leave without us." His voice was muffled by the green girl's hair. "I'm afraid of you being alone."

"You're afraid I'll… I'll hurt myself." Her voice was quiet, a mere whisper, as she lost herself in the warmth and comfort of Fiyero's touch.

"Yes."

They lowered themselves to the ground, lying back to chest. Fiyero undid Elphaba's dress and it fell from her shoulders. She rolled on to her back. He straddled her. "I can't promise you I won't," she murmured.

"I know." He pulled her dress lower, revealing a green stomach. "It will probably get worse, won't it?" His hands caressed her stomach, feeling the scars that were there.

"I'll try to be careful." She grabbed his hands and pulled them to her face, removing them from her stomach. She didn't like others touching her scars.

"Promise?" He slipped his hands out of hers and undid her bra, pulling it off.

"Promise." She moaned, his hands caressing her body – exploring her. For the first time in her life what was about to occur felt almost right.

_Almost_.

She jerked in sudden panic. Her body stiffened and Fiyero froze in his movements. "Elphaba?" he asked, his voice quiet and worried.

She opened her eyes – she couldn't remember when she had closed them – and was met with the sight of a concerned Fiyero straddling her. She took a few deep, shuddering breaths and gently grabbed Fiyero's hands in her own. She pushed them away from her while making sure to keep her eyes locked with the prince's.

Her prince.

She smiled; a small, sad smile. "I love you," she whispered. "But please… try to understand… I can't… the… the circumcision… it just –"

"It's okay," Fiyero interrupt her; he nodded his complete understanding as he silently cursed himself for forgetting of Elphaba's situation. He leaned down and gently kissed pale green lips before rolling off of her.

They laid together in silence. Their shoulders touching as their backs rested on the ground. The sky was oddly clear for the raining season and they watched the stars for nearly an hour. Eventually Fiyero felt Elphaba get up. He closed his eyes and just listened to her as she rustled around in the near darkness to get dressed.

"I'm sorry," she whispered – her quite voice cutting through the silence.

Fiyero rolled over and opened his eyes. "Don't be," he said as he watched her shadowed form pulling her dress on. "Your skin looks beautiful in the moonlight," he whispered.

Elphaba straightened her dress and did up the clasps at her back. She turned around, walked over to Fiyero, and kneeled down beside him. "I came here to say… to say good… goodbye to my children." Her voice was choked with barely contained sobs. "And here I go… toying with your heart and trying to live a life I'm no longer meant for. I… I'm sorry Fiyero. Please don't take this as… as rejection."

Fiyero tapped the ground in front of him and Elphaba laid down again. Her back rested against his chest and he draped an arm around her waist. "I do no such thing," he whispered. "I moved too fast and I forgot for a moment. I told you I was afraid of doing such a thing."

Elphaba laughed softly. "You didn't move too fast Fiyero. I just… heal too slowly. Sometimes not at all."

He took a green hand in his own and squeezed it. "It's okay, you're doing the best with what you have."

"A mutilated body?" Elphaba chuckled sadly, cruelly. "There's hardly much you can do with such a thing."

Fiyero sighed. "Elphaba… please… don't turn this into a self-hatred rant. You don't need that, not right now."

Elphaba rolled over so that she now faced Fiyero. She opened her eyes and they smiled at each other. Sad, grief-filled smiles as they realized that this was finally goodbye.

"Next time," she whispered even though she knew that there would never be a next time. "I promise." Their lips met and lingered there for a few moments before Elphaba pulled away. "I have to go," she whispered, regret tingeing ever word she spoke.

"I know," Fiyero reached up and wiped away the tears that were burning Elphaba's skin. A green hand came up and swallowed Fiyero's pale one. She slowly stood up, keeping a firm grasp on the prince's hand until she no longer could. It slipped from her hold and fell to the ground with a soft thud.

Fiyero watched as she grabbed her fallen hat, putting it on, and picked up her broom. She mounted the enchanted wood and turned around to look at Fiyero one last time. "Goodbye," she whispered.

She kicked off the ground and Fiyero watched in awe as she flew off in to the night sky. The pale moonlight framed her shadowed form and she looked every part the Witch as possible. And in the darkness of night she did indeed look as if she deserved the title of the Wicked Witch.

He smiled in both sadness and a strange sense of pride. "Goodbye," he whispered to the silent air. "Goodbye Elphaba."


End file.
